OK, so we live a very normal, "straight" life. No criminal records for us AT ALL. My husband was away on business and I got a call from him from JAIL this morning. So, first of all he flew out yesterday and called me when he landed and he was arrested about an hour after I spoke to him. He said he wasn't drunk, but apparently he had an open container in his car (I've never seen him with an open container in his car ever and he wouldn't talk about it on the jail phone since it was recorded). He had a very important meeting to go to today at work. He is an executive at his company, so I called up his assistant and told her what was going on so she could let his boss know after trying to call his boss.

He said that he actually thinks they will drop all of the charges and said that the officer was acting "unreasonably" but they held him for 24 hours for misorderly conduct. I'm not sure if they got him on a DUI, but I am thinking so. He did mention he had a couple drinks on the plane.

I'm freaking out about a lot of things right now. Do you guys think this will affect my license? I feel like my great life that I thought I knew just got turned upside down.

I'm a regular member, but I logged out for privacy.

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I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Especially because you don't have all the details and just have to wait and worry. I hope it all turns out for the best.

I don't know if it would impact your license. I would imagine that it's a nonviolent offense and a misdemeanor. Those are not typically very serious offenses. Maybe the charges will even get dropped.

Thinking of you!!!

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I would check with your state. I don't think a DUI would affect your license, but it's different in each state.
So sorry this happened. I'm not going to say anything specific, but it can happen to the best of us!

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I don't think it would drastically affect your lisence. Here in NY they would just stipulate that he would not be allowed to transport the children anywhere and possibly not be left alone depending on how severe the situation was.

Good luck

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Praying for you and your husband.

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Not sure about your state, but in Utah, they are only bothered if the "crime" would be detrimental to the health and safety of the children in care.

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In Ca it would be an exemption on your license, so if someone called licensing to get info on your history it would show someone in the house has an exemption which could be anything from a minor crime, DUI, etc. If he has to be fingerprinted for you to have a daycare (like in CA) than it is something you should ask licensing about. I know a DCP who's husband got a DUI but she still operated her business and then after they divorced she got a DWI and another exemption I believe. She was still licensed last I checked but I could be wrong. She had to go through a process of providing 3 letters of recommendation or character statements to keep her license.

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Oh man! So sorry you are going through this. Try not to worry too much...this too shall pass. I would seriously doubt this would affect your license. Of course it varies from state to state, but I am pretty sure most problems that arise have to do with felonies and violent crimes. Hang in there.

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Don't believe it will be a problem with your license. For his job, it may be another matter. Hopefully he will get a good DUI lawyer if they proceed with the charges.

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Thank you everyone for your support. I still haven't heard anything else. He is still locked up. It was so hard to get through my day with the kids. He is my best friend and is always the one that I talk to when there is a problem and now he is the problem and I can't talk to him because he is in the slammer. Is he in an orange jump suit with plastic shoes? I don't know. Is he eating a bologna sandwhich? I doubt it. He is so picky about his food. Man, he must be really hungry and scared about his job and banging his head against those bars. Hopefully he hasn't had any issues from the other inmates.

I decided I'm not to lecture him. The punishment that he receives from this will be bad enough. I'm really hoping his job will be ok. It is a VERY large company, he is very high up and he works so hard. He has never called into work sick his entire life.

I am so anxious to hear from him. I know him well enough to know he found the best lawyer he could.

I feel like this day is the longest day of my life!

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Same In Indiana.

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I'm sure it must be difficult to put on a smile and go about your day as if nothing is wrong. You are a trooper!
A bit of advice. ....I would call the facility that DH is in to see what is going on. It seems like a very long time to be held for a dui. He may need more assistance from you but is ashamed and not want to involve you any more. Best of luck. He is lucky to have such a caring wife behind him.

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Any updates?

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I agree. Maybe it depends on the state but here you are not held overnight for a DUI. Your given an appearance ticket unless there was more going on at the time of arrest that he's ashamed to tell you or scared to let you down?

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You're not held here, either, UNLESS you have no one to pick you up. I'm guessing that when out of town on business, he had no one willing to take responsibility for him. Here, you can't leave in a cab, or walk out, you have to have a sober adult pick you up.

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I was thinking of the same thing, just didn't want to say it. It more than likely has to be for something else or maybe it's not his first one?

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I don't think it is right for any of us to speculate as to what happened. I only gave advice bc he really may need some help right now and OP may not realize it. It is her business to question, not ours. Hope I didn't come off as judgmental. I only wanted to help.

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(unregistered quote) "..but they held him for 24 hours for misorderly conduct"(end quote)


~This is probably why he is being held longer...the disorderly conduct charge I'm thinking.

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Bothing will happen..I was charged in 2008 for a DUI and a rollover and I killed a tree. Since it was my first offense I paid the fine, did the class, lost my Drivers license for 30 days and got the charged expunged..I'm in Pennsylvania

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Just make sure he pays the fine and talk to a lawyer

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First off - deep breath! You can't change what is done so try and be calm.

I don't think it will affect your license. YOU didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he won't be able to drive with kids or be a sub caregiver but I am sure that is all.

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I actually knew of someone who was a licensed provider with the same issue. They just had to guarantee that the husband would never transport children.
Hopefully that is the only way it will affect your license. Sorry that this happened to you and your family....

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I'm thinking the dui would be only if he took a breathalyzer and didn't pass. The open container itself should just be a fine, and the disorderly conduct is a separate deal as he prolly didn't feel it was necessary to actually be arrested and the cop felt he was being difficult. I also highly doubt your license is in any danger.

I also wouldn't worry about the circumstances behind the open container until you talk to him again. I don't do this either, but .. well.. there was one time. I lived 5 miles up a long curvy back road with no traffic. I had a rotten day at work, so I grabbed a 12 pack, got in my truck and drove home.. opening 1 before I got there. 2 curves from my house a front right tire blew out, spinning me into a ditch. I put it in 4wd, dumped the clutch and drove the 100 yards or so home. Now if a cop had been around.. well.. I would have been screwed as upon impact with the ditch, my mostly full beer sprayed the entire inside of my truck and myself, so even though I really wasn't drunk I would have had a hard time explaining it.

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I know also in NY anyways, you don't actually have to be driving to get a dwi or dui. If your simply sitting in your car with the keys in sight you can be arrested. Happened to me as well one time I was going to my car to get a pack of cigarettes, beer in hand, and the cop in the parking lot was insistent that I had intended to drive and was going to take me in.

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Happened an old co-workers son. He was drinking at his apt. and decided to sit in his truck to smoke and got arrested because he was sitting in the truck and had been drinking-from what he said anyways.

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Happened to my dad. He was sitting in the car. Keys in his pocket. He was actually just sleeping it off BEFORE he was going anywhere (don't ask...my dad is a different kind of fella...live kinda like a nomad since retiring) and a police officer noticed him and then ticketed him for DWI.

He was parked in the parking lot of a strip mall (the restaurant where he was drinking was part of the strip mall).

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Yeah an open container is only a ticket, it's the same type of moving violation as a speeding ticket. And even if no one could come get him, there's always bail bondsmen who can get you out ASAP. Like within hours. Disorderly conduct I don't know though... Maybe if they got him for assaulting a police officer or resisting arrest? But even disorderly conduct isn't something they hold you for days on.

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Well, it seems that we have a bigger issue on our hands. He lied about the DUI and the open container. He was arrested for answering an ad for a prostitute. It was a police sting. Yup. My husband was trying to pick up a prostitute. I am besides myself. I feel numb, in a fog, like I will soon wake up from this nightmare. I actually called the jail myself to find out what the actual charge was for. When he got out and called me, I pressured him to tell me what really happened and he told me. He said he did it before about a year ago as well. I couldn't even ask him anymore questions. Do I have more questions? Yes. Do I want the answers? I have no idea. What do I do? Besides being tested, obviously. He was crying and said this is so humiliating and he will never ever do it again, ever and he will do anything and that it isnt me, its him and now all of the sudden he tells me he was molested when he was a kid and in that moment. I didn't care what happened to him when he was a kid. It wasn't a good enough excuse for me. He is always so sentimental with me and so sensitive and this is not something I expected from him AT ALL. We have a very good life and are intimate very regularly, probably more so than the majority of married spouses. I know for sure this does not have to do with me. I don't mean that to sound caulky, but I am a really good wife. I am younger than him, I take care of myself, I'm attractive, I am very kind and caring, I did not deserve this.

I can't even believe that I don't feel the instant need to divorce him. Am I crazy? I don't know what to think. I had my on call employee come over today and told her that I wasn't feeling well so I could have her watch the kids and I can relax in my room for a while. I just couldn't feel happy and cheerful for the kids today. I have nobody to talk to in my real life. I don't feel like I can tell anyone.

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I am so sorry. If you do not feel the immediate need to divorce him...DON'T! If he wants to fight for your marriage, make him prove it. How? Give you ALL his passwords to all emails and devices. Put a filter on your computer to track websites he visits. When he is out of town...call him...random...and he needs to happily accept that. Marriage is worth fighting for when both are fighting for it.

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I honestly was going to guess that the minute you said he didn't want to discuss it and didn't go into more detail.So sorry,you should probably go get yourself tested for a disease. I guarantee this was not a once or twice kind of deal.My thoughts-disgusting! Move on! I believe in saving marriages but I would be too humiliated to continue and you are right-it has nothing to do with you personally.Even if you were fat and didn't take care of yourself and only had sex once a month.That is not an excuse to pick up a prostitute!

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Oh Hun, I am so sorry.

I wish I knew the right words but I think in this situation you need to do what YOU need to do.

No one can really tell you what that is.

Talking helps. Vent away if you need too...although many of us don't always see eye to eye on this board, I do know one thing and that is that we are all very nurturing and understanding as well as supportive.

If there is anything you need, please feel free to PM me anytime. I don't have all the answers but I am a great listener and can definitely offer you a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.

Hang in there.....

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Oh my gosh I'm sooooo sorry! :-( I had a feeling something bigger was going on as none of those things really added up. I don't think you're crazy for not wanting to divorce him (yet anyway...) but I would definitely look into counseling for him or you both. And also, many MANY people were molested and while it's horribly sad, it doesn't give him the right to hurt you or your family.
And to your original question... This may effect your licensure.

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I'm so sorry this has happened to you!

I know this is an online forum and nobody really knows each other personally, but seriously, get out whatever you need to get out! If you don't, it will just build up and built up and eat at you. This would be a hard thing to talk to family or friends about, but if you can find just one person to talk to, it could help, and if not, there's us!

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Thank you. I just had a thought of putting together a "Post Nuptual (sp?) agreement. Something about having to take a lie detector test every 6 months and if he fails in regards to infedelity at all then he owes me x amount of money. I already have all of his passwords, but I'm sure I don't have all of his email accounts. Thats the problem. I don't want to monitor all of that and be paranoid. Maybe if I just say, hey- you are going to be taking a polygraph every 6 months, you fail, you are gone and so is your money! I go from hearing a song and crying to being mad to writing up legal documents.

Apparently my life isn't a jouney, just a roller coaster!

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Oh man, I am so sorry this is happening. Im sure your life feels like its been turned upside down in an instant. I will be praying for peace and resolution for you and your family.

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I am definately going to get tested, and my thoughts exactly, totally disgusting! I know its probably a lot more than once or twice too. I don't know if I will continue in the marriage or not. Shoot, I don't even know if I want to talk to him in the next couple of hours. I'm living minute to minute, breath to breath. I have always told him that I would leave him if he ever cheated, but it's so much more complicated than that! Errr!!!

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Thank you so much! It's true, we do all butt heads from time to time, but in the end we are all nurturing. Right now this is the only place I really feel comfortable venting because I know you guys are all moms and most are or have been married and you all can understand how isolating and lonely this business can be.

Hugs

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I am so sorry you are going through this. You do sound like a great wife. Through out all of this please remember that you are. No need to make any decisions now. Take some time to deal with your emotions and grieve. Put yourself and your needs first while dealing with this and things will come together in time.

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I would highly recommend finding someone to talk to, to help you work through this. Your pastor, a counselor, even a walk in counseling clinic. Your first priority is YOU. Take care of yourself. I would require that he goes to counseling for sexual addicts and join a good sa group (much like aa). If you are both really committed to making this work, it can be done, but it won't be easy. He needs to lay all the cards on the table and come totally clean. He has been lying for a long time, so for now, assume that everything he tells you is lie and that there is more that he is not telling you. Be transparent but not stupid. Be wise. There is hope. You can do this. Whatever you decide, it will be okay. Remember, you have done nothing wrong here. This is his problem and he needs help. Peace to you.

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I am sick to my stomach for you... and teary eyed. I was reading the initial post to my hubs, and reading through I finally got to your update... I got very upset and emotional while reading it to my husband.

I told him if something like this happened to us, by the time he got back to town my DD and I would be LONG GONE, and there would be NOTHING left in the house. You ruin my life, I'll take away yours. But that's just me.

I am so so so very sorry you are going through this. Please, talk it out -whether it be here, with a friend or family member. You're going to go through a wide range of emotions and you someone to be there for you.

Lots of love and hugs to you.

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I am so sorry you are going through this! I always used to say if you cheat on me you are out of my life. But when you are put in that situation it's not such an easy decision. I stayed with my husband and our marriage is great now. If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me ! Life feels impossible right now but I promise it will get better!

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I am so so sorry you are going through this. I don't really know what the best words to say are, but I'm glad you have this forum to talk through this. Like PP, I also think finding someone in person to talk to will benefit you.

I know that I'm not a super regular poster, but if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me..

I hope you find some time to clear your head over the next few days. Be kind to yourself.

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So I didn't log in due to privacy, but I know exactly how you feel. My husband got arrested for the same thing last year when I was 9 months pregnant. It wasn't a sting or anything, but he got pulled over immediately after picking up a prosetitue. He never went to jail cause he admitted everything to the cop and was given his court date right then. He didn't tell me about it until after he had gone to court, which was a week after our son was born. It was literally the worst thing I have ever experienced. He had to do a number of things to get the charges dropped since it was his first offense, one of them being a class that cost $1,000, plus lawyer fees. It didn't impact my license and for my state it wasn't a high enough charge to matter. I urge you to take some time before making a decision to get divorced or not. I also had the thought if he cheats I will leave, but once you're in that position with a 1 week old baby the world looks a whole lot different. I was VERY paranoid and untrusting of him for awhile, but it did get better. I believed him when he told me he had never done anything like that before and getting caught scared him ****less so I know he will never do it again. I wish there was a way to share my contact info with you without reveling myself. I too told no one about this and had to deal with it on my own. It was tough, but we are in such a better place now so it was well worth it. BIG hugs mama!

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Maybe if OP is PM someone else on the board, you can message them too and exchange contact information that way.

To OP and anyone else who has had to deal with this big hugs! I'm so sorry, I hope you are are going to be okay. Definitely talk to someone, maybe a counselor, or some of the wonderful people on this board. I can understand not wanting to talk to people you know. I'm very private about things that can negatively affect how people view those close to me. Some of my friends and family members would hold a grudge forever hearing about someone hurting me.
It's not fun to have bad news just before the holidays. Take care of yourself, give yourself time... and find ways to step away from it sometimes too (it's too exhausting and draining to focus on bad all of the time). Even if you don't have anyone close by that you would want to talk to about it... just getting out for a girls night out (and completely stepping away from the issue) would be good to do too.

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I cannot even imagine what I would do........
This might effect your license. How horrible.

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You do what YOU need to do. take some time and wait until your emotionally better. He will have a lot of proving to do in order to earn back your trust.

hang in there!!

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My heart breaks for you

I have a friend whose husband is a sex addict as they refer to it. They have been married 8 years and have 2 children. She thought everything was perfect and then found out he had been going on websites, outings and making expensive phone calls to sex chats. To be honest, except for this one thing they really are a great couple and happy. Every few months or so he slips up and does it again. They don't talk and she gets very hurt, upset mad etc and they don't talk for a few weeks but then she forgives and they work past it.

Personally, I don't understand it, but it's not my place to understand it either. As a friend it's my place to just listen, support and be there. My first marriage ended due to cheating. I wouldn't tolerate it and I left with my 1 year old son so I would have a harder time understanding. Just remember that and keep in mind that's it's no one's place to judge or tell you what to do. Take advice with a grain of salt and remember it's not your fault.

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I am so sorry this happened! I am not sure what I would do but my first instinct would be to boot him out (of the house) but most definitely out of the bedroom. You need time to think this through. Good luck to you!

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Wow, I cannot imagine this with a newborn. You must have thought you were in the twilight zone. I am so sorry! We talked more last night and I would go from feeling so sad to crazy angry. I hung up on him twice because I felt like he was talking like a politician.
I do think I need to protect myself financially. I told him I definately want a post-nup. We do not have kids together, we both have kids from previous marriages so I want spousal support if things don't work out. He said he will do whatever I want, he was completely on board. He said he would take polygraphs every 6 months, he would go to counseling, he would do whatever it took. I think I also need to demand a nice SLR camera for Christmas as well. And I want it wrapped with real wrapping paper, not in the bag from the store. And I want new flooring for my daycare room.

Truth is, I just wish I had that feeling of security and trust back. That's all I really want. Thank you so much for sharing. It is so nice to know I am not alone. I can't imagine these people in the public eye whose laundry gets aired out for everyone to see. That would be humiliating!

I'm so grateful for my kids today and all of their hugs. If only they knew how much their love was helping me today

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Deat God....please wrap this woman in love. Please surround her with loving people who love and will listen to her. Please send her clarity in decisions she faces. You and only you know all the details and what path is best for her to take. Please be with her husband as well. Please shield them from unwarranted judgement. Please send her peace that paasseth understanding. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.

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Can I ask why his first marriage ended, Did they have similar issues? How willing was he to save that marriage? That could possibly say a lot about how he feels about you since he is so eager to agree.

Do any of the kids know what's going on? How long have you been married now?

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I think a polygraph right away to see if the two times were the only times and to see if he has any other sex stuff like child interest or internet ****, mistress.... might as well start with a clean slate and get it all out. If he refuses you will know the answers.

I've never been married so I can't offer too much but sistah you can call me ANY time. My phone number is 515 619 1564

You can block your number. I don't have to know who you are.

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Your in my prayers! My advice is to just breathe and take one minute at a time. Its a lot to process.

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His first marriage ended after 20 years. She was in a mental institution, she is diagnosed with bipolar and some other things. He did admit to me to cheating on her, but not to prostitution. The story was basically very sad where he stayed to take care of the kids and make sure she was taking her meds. His mother had verified the story, his ex-wife even admitted to me that he only stayed to take care of her and the kids. She did say he had a couple of affairs, but she also said she didn't blame him because she was so crazy (her words, not mine). He financially supports her, she has NEVER been able to work.

I justified him cheating on her before because of the situation. Not something I would normally do, but I felt that I did my homework. None of our kids know what is going on at all. He has his kids this weekend, and I am having him take them on a mini vacation to see his mom. I don't have my kids this weekend and I don't feel like faking it for him.

As some of you suggested, I made plans with a couple of girlfriends this weekend. We are going to one of those wine and art places where you paint a picture while you drink. Don't worry, one of my friends is pregnant, so she will be the DD. Two glasses of wine for me is my limit. Shoot, half a glass and I will feel good. Not trying to drink my pain away, but I need an escape.

It's so hard when he is my very best friend. We make each other laugh like no other. We do everything together. He always provides for us, there has never been a time when he does not answer my calls. Everyone that I have met that he works with or his family always says- oh, he speaks so highly of you, I know he really loves you.

He just sent me a text- "Please forgive me. It's all I can say. I'm totally alone without you. I'll do anything."

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Start by telling him you want a lie detector test done immediately. If he is lying now at his most vulnerable time you will know he's in too deap. Full disclosure will most likely come without the lie detector test. I have a feeling this isn't his second time since being with you. I also think he may have way more going on. The odds of full disclosure when first getting popped is really low. Being sorry will be shown with full disclosure.

I think this is way more complicated than hiring a hooker. There is a chance that once he has come to jesus with you completely that you guys can make it work and fulfill his needs. Us humans are complicated and there may be ways to satisfy his interest without law breaking and sneaking around. Maybe he couldn't be honest with you about what he really wants.

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Good for you! I hope you have fun, sounds like you deserve a night with friends and wine!

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I think you are spot on! I'm going to have him get a lie detector soon. I feel like part of me can't handle too much more information at this minute, but I need to make sure I know what I'm in for. I kind of want him to just lay all the cards on the table, have that coming to Jesus moment, and then do a lie detector test every 6 months for like 3 years, and then maybe once a year after that. He said he would do it. I don't at all think it was a 2 time occurance. AT ALL.

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I am so sorry. Thinking about you.

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I really don't mean this offensively but what good is a lie detector going to do? What if he fails but swears he wasn't lying? Then what do you do? I am the kind of person who has to think through a few outcomes before making a choice. It's the anxious person in me. What if you go and find out all sorts of lies? Is that going to help? What if 2 years down the road he fails one but still want to work things out? I guess I just don't see the point of a lie detector and where do you even find those services?? At what expense? I would hope that if he's willing to fess up to this and work this out, he needs to come clean on ANYTHING & EVERYTHING!! Also, a lie detector can have inconclusive results which would leave you back at square one. And if he believes his own lies, he can also pass a test even if he's lying. It's hard to do but hey, he fooled you twice already right? I'm not advocating divorce, but I think counseling and working on building trust would go much further than lie detector tests. Then he can have perhaps 6 months of relapse before you find out in a lie detector test? If you truly don't trust him (which I wouldn't either) than I would make some hard thought decisions. It sounds like you both love each other but perhaps he has a problem he needs help with. Perhaps a sex addiction? **** addiction? I've read recently that with internet **** being so accessible it's making men have this unrealistic idea of what sex is and human contact just isn't enough to get "there" so they have to have these other outlets that perhaps will do what will please him. That's not your fault either! That's his issue to work on. You stated before you're very active and can't see him doing this for lack of action at home but perhaps it's because he can't have some twisted fantasy (maybe during his rough patch in his last marriage he developed a dysfunction after an unhealthy relationship with his ex wife) with you that he can with someone being paid to do what he wants?? (Yuck, sorry that's icky to even type...) I'm simply speculating because he sounds like a good guy otherwise.

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if you email me i can share some info with you.

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The more I read, the more I can guarantee this is just the tip of the iceberg... cheating is one thing, cheating with a hooker is a whole new ballgame. I'm inclined to think there are some more serious sexual issues going on.

Most people who cheat do it with exes, friends, mistresses - someone the cheater gets to know and can emotionally connect with. Many people don't realize that when people cheat it has nothing to do with sex, or the attractiveness of the cheater's partner - it's that the cheater is lacking an emotional connection with their partner and seek it elsewhere.

This obviously isn't the case here - your husband's having sex with hookers. You know of two times for certain, and I promise you - there have been plenty more. The kind of person who would risk your life - both physically and emotionally - just to fulfil some sexual desires isn't the kind of person you want to continue a life with. I assure you.

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Amen.

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Thank you. This is exactly what I need. I just took a screen shot of this so I can refer back to it throughout the day.I love the part about unwarranted judgement. :Hugs:

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I agree. Sex with a prostitute or one night stand results in one outcome - physical gratification. If he had been having sex with a co worker, friend, ex, mistress that results in not only physical but also emotional gratification. And this wasn't a one time I wonder how exciting it would be exploration type thing.

What I'm trying to say is he needs immediate and long term therapy to sort out what's going on. But if he doesn't admit to having a problem then quite frankly there will be no point... OP, you're right that he needs his come to Jesus moment.

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So he did admit last night that he used hookers when he was married to his ex-wife and when he was single before we started dating. He said that he thought when he met me he was healed and he admitted that he had "issues" and it was a "sickness", he said that he screwed up about a year ago and then felt terrible about it and then he just did it this last time when he was caught. I don't believe it was just the 2 times with me AT ALL. He wasn't very convincing and I think he just didn't want to hurt me any further. He agreed to going to therapy. He said he will go forever if he needs to and he said he would do whatever it takes. He said he had gone to a therapist years ago and the therapist didn't help much at all, from what he said. I think maybe he wasn't as honest as he could be about his issues.

What probably needs to happen is that him and I need to go to a therapist first together so I can state what I know, what I think I know and sort of lay the ground work. Then, let him talk to the therapist privately for a few weeks until the therapist thinks its appropriate for me to come back. I want him to feel comfortable with someone to lay everything out and really put a plan into place. Even if I decide to leave him, I want him to get help. I'm not in a hurry to just divorce him. It may happen, I don't know. I know I'm not going to be having sex with him anytime soon, so nobody worry on that one!

By the way, we have only been married for a year and a half and we dated for about 2 1/2 years prior. We've been together for 4 years this month. I know thats not a lot of time, but we have 5 kids between us, so I don't want to rush into breaking everyones hearts too quickly. My kids LOVE him. They are older (middle and high school ages) and they both would always tell me if he ever did anything weird or inappropriate, just wanting to put that out there because I would be worried about that if I was looking into this from the outside.

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I do not agree with the bold. That is why WOMEN cheat, not men. Men cheat because it's available or for a thrill. Men are not emotional cheaters like women.

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I understand that is your opinion and you do not agree, but the studies show that indeed most men do cheat for emotional and mental stimulation rather than purely for sexual stimulation.

The men who cheat for the thrill are the kind of men that the OP is married to and would cheat with a hooker - because there is no emotional connection. But this is not the norm.

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So very sorry to read this. HUGE hugs coming your way.

Take as much time as you need to get through this...whatever you decide. He will have to wait and accept that EVERYTHING is your decision now. My brother went through something similar when his first wife was unfaithful. Such a roller coaster of feelings. Anger, sadness, despair, questions, self-doubt even.

You can get through this and we are all here for you. Ears to listen and virtual shoulders to cry on. Bless you hun

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Such a heartbreaking situation for all of you. I'm sorry you're going through this and will pray that you find the strength you need to get through it.

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Oh, no, no, no.....

My husband's sister was cheated on by her husband. He met someone and they had a fling. She found out, he fessed up, they cried, they stayed together. A few years later, he got back with the same girl (the beotch came to his work and pretty much seduced him back.) She found out again, he fessed up again, he'd never, ever do it again, he loves her, etc. They cried, they stayed together.

The idiot did it AGAIN a few years later. Same girl. So this time, the couple went to therapy for months. It came out that, while their physical relationship was fine, he did not feel emotionally "completed" by her. He didn't get want he needed out of the relationship. He didn't feel supported nor understood. (He had a crappy childhood, and his dad was a humongous jerk.)

So he cheated for the emotional fulfillment of a woman who would lift him up. I will admit, my husband's sister is demanding and perfectionist, and can be cold-hearted when it comes to giving someone sympathy. So I totally understand it.

Btw, they're still together. It started 13 years ago, and he ended the 3rd go-round with this girl about 2-3 years ago. My sister-in-law hasn't really changed much, and tells me occasionally that she wishes she could get out of the marriage, but she wouldn't make it financially and won't put her 12 & 17 yr old daughters through that.

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So many people are under the false impression that men are not emotionally driven - that all they think about is sex. This just simply isn't true, and this misbelief is creating a society where men aren't being emotionally supported... which can lead to cheating! It's a vicious cycle.

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I agree with this. I admit that I can be kind of cold and unsupportive towards Dh. If he ever cheated on me, I'm certain it would be for the emotional aspect.

So I need to work harder on that.

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So, here's the latest update. We talked again last night and he has yet (no surprise) admitted to a few more. (duh). He has found a sex addiction treatment center and an individual counselor to go to. He also talked to someone on the phone last night through a hotline. He was pretty much suicidal last night. I basically at one point was like, I'm done, we are getting divorced, blah blah blah. But, at the very least I offered my friendship to him. We are best friends which makes this all that more difficult. He said he really needed a friend and that he would wait forever for me to love him again.

We have a lot planned for this holiday season. I at first thought- lets cancel it all, but now I think we are going to fake our way through it. I need to do it for the kids. I am such a strong person, the last few nights have certainly weakened me, but I woke up this morning with a sense of calmness and peace.

Thank you all for your prayers and your concerns. You all here are the only ones in the world that I have been able to share this with. Your support has been amazing. I am going to see a counselor and also go to a group support for spouses that deal with this. I know that everything that happens in life happens for a reason and maybe one day I will be able to help someone else who has gone through the same thing I have gone through.

Love you guys!

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It does sound like your husband has some sexual addiction problems and is more extreme than what I went through with my husband. Our relationship really fell apart when I was pregnant and it was the worst year for us out of our 8 years together so far. Before I learned about the hooker I had found out about a online relationship he had gotten into with this other girl that had been going on for months. That was 100% for an emotional connection because he was lacking that with me at the time, so men aren't always driven by sex. He was never fourth coming about anything and through my snooping I learned the truth. Only when confronted with the real truth did he finally fess up. Honestly learning these things was very hard, but I would have much preferred to learn everything at once than to have to drawn out over a 2 month or so process. Definitely an extremely stressful time, but being able to see us now and him being a fantastic father has made it worthwhile. If you can stay with your husband and make it work I would encourage you to do so, especially if he's willing to get help, but I can see how it would be much harder for you in your situation than it was for me. If anyone has suggestions on how the OP and I might be able to connect without having to disclose who we are on here please share! Huge hugs to you lady cause the next month is going to be a rough one for you.

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Open a new Hotmail/Gmail/etc email account with no identifying information (daycarelady01 or something) and post it in this thread for the OP to see. She can then create an email account to contact you and then you two can connect privately, but without revealing who you are to eachother.

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Any new updates? Is he home yet? How are things going for you? Your situation has been on my mind. I can't even imagine if I found this out about my husband. It must be a nightmare for you.

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So just to give everyone an update- here's where we are at- he has found a counselor and an outpatient sex addiction rehab type center. It is top rated as is the counselor. I've made no decisions at all. I got an STD test and he did as well and we both came up clean. He has been to the counselor twice now, he goes again on Wednesday. I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Thursday and I'm going to to see his counselor next week with him. Right now, we are not having a sexual relationship. I need him to work through his problems and I need to make sure I have enough information before I make a decision to stay. I'm in no rush. Even though he has done this, he is still my best friend and I'm going to be there for him. He says he will do anything for me and prove his love everyday for the rest of his life, which is great but that's what he said in our wedding vows too!

I will admit I'm taking small doses of Xanax to get me through the anxiety. Very small doses and it is working wonders. The babies have really gotten me through this. I cuddled my 2 year old DCB today during naptime. He asked to cuddle and I needed it. I'm so grateful to have this daycare and have these babies to care for. It puts everything into perspective.

Now for the bad- I've been binge eating like never before. I'm not heavy- I'm a size 8, but in the last week or so, I think I've packed on a few pounds. My pants are really tight and I feel huge. I'm scared to weigh myself! Ugh.....

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If the psychiatrist is help for YOU then that is good. It would be good for you to talk to someone.

With any kind of addiction you must always look at 'actions' and never words. It is always what they 'do' and not what they say. This is very, very important.

I hope the best for you.

Laurel

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