I know that they're have been threads on here about picky eaters, but I haven't really read anything exactly like what I'm dealing with here. I have twin girls (4 yrs) and they are honestly just ridiculous eaters. I'm honestly wondering if the one girl has a bit of autism, but not really sure. If I'm not serving grilled cheeses, mac and cheese or peanut butter and jelly then she freaks and starts crying and refuses to even take 1 bite. I made last night for dinner a delicious chicken noodle casserole and served it today for lunch. The other kids devoured it. She sat there and cried. Typically what I do is try to get her to try something and if she doesn't like it I give her a jelly sandwich. I took 1 ziti noodle, cut it in 3 pieces and put it on her plate along with a jelly sandwich. She puckered up and cried. When I ask what they have for dinner at home, they eat the 3 things that I listed above or they eat cereal. I've talked to mom and dad about it and they just say that they give them those things and that's it. Quite frankly I am just tired of making special lunch for her if it's just because she's being a stinker. if there is something wrong psychologically then I need to know how to handle that. I don't want to be mean to her, that's why I make her the sandwich. Any advice?

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I wouldn't give her anything other than what you are serving. Does she cry at other times when she doesn't get what she wants? Does she do it at home when they do try to give her something else and they give in and give her jelly sandwich? I've had a few that know at home if they cry/fit at the table, they can get whatever they want. Here, they get what everyone is having. If they start crying, I remind them that we don't cry at the table. Either eat or don't, but crying gets nothing. If they keep it up, plate goes in the kitchen and down they go. A few stubborn ones have gone on for a few weeks, but usually after a week, they at least stop crying-some eat, some don't.

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I don't think that they even try to get her to try new things at home at all anymore. She is just so thin too, which worries me. I don't want to force her to do something though if there is an underlying condition, but really think she's just playing the situation. She really doesn't cry to get what she wants any more than anyone else in other situations.

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So they did give her what they ate at one point and then they got tired of her crying and having a fit for the jelly sandwich and gave in. She knows it worked for them and is hoping it will work on you too. Stick to your guns and serve what everyone else gets. If you think she does have issues, maybe suggest a doctor visit to make sure everything is ok. If dr finds something, then get a statement saying what. If dr finds nothing, she gets what's served-eat or don't.

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I believe they did. its been going on so long its ridiculous. I thought maybe the noodles were a texture thing, but then she does eat mac and cheese, so that kinda throws that right out the window. The other problem is, when she starts doing this routine, then her twin sister starts getting that look on her face like she's going to go along with the crying. I tell her no way, you're not doing it just because she is. Of course at home they both get special meals while mom and dad eat chicken, meat etc, they eat the same 3 things. gr cheese, mac and cheese, cereal etc.

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Honestly, by giving in you are doing this child an injustice as well as being unfair to the other kids.

Serve her what others are eating and if she doesn't eat, she doesn't.

Some kids are thinner than others but that doesn't mean you should serve her jelly sandwiches for every meal and actually that could be doing her more nutritional damage than her eating nothing.

She's eating at home obviously but e only ay she's ever going to be exposed to good healthy food is obviously at your house.

Serve her food, either she eats it or doesn't and don't say a word if she doesn't. When the meal is over, get her down from the table and move on with your day.

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Has anyone ever had this problem where there was an underlying problem though such as autism? She really shows no other signs of it though, so I'm pretty sure it's just a learned behavior. She honestly seems afraid of the food.

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IMHO, You are in the dreaded stress cycle.

A leads to B.

C enforces B.

D. Is what perpetuates A.....

***Try just putting the food in front of her, walk away.... No discussion, no eye contact, no expectations.

If she is hungry she will eat. If not she will eat at snack. If not at snack she will eat at home. Eventually SHE WILL EAT. Rinse and repeat.

Keep in mind you are not responsible for all of her dietary needs... don't feel guilty. You are putting to much pressure on yourself.

If you are truly worried about growth and development then add a couple pedia-sure to her day (have mom supply them ) Also, remember at 3-4yrs her growth is in a slowing state... they often appear to live on air at that age.

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She doesn't have autism. She has a learned behavior problem.

The danger in adults catering is they can actually inspire kids to become anorexic, which is exactly what sounds like whats going on here.


There is almost zero nutritional value in a jelly sandwich, grilled cheese and cheesy noodles. I'd cut those foods out of the equasion entirely, offer what I offer everyone else, and refuse to encourage her or play into her crying another second longer. Put the food down and completely ignore anything that isn't happy healthy table manners and eating habits. No bribes, no begging, no threats. When meal or snack is done simply take whats left and tell her to go play.

I would require parents be 100% on board with that strategy at home as well or I'd term. I'm not in the business of inflicting eating disorders on children.

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I'm sure she is afraid of it. If she is never exposed to it, it would be sort of scary...kwim?

I am not saying scary as in Halloween scary...but the unknown for anyone can be a bit uncomfortable.

I would make what you make. Ask her if she would like to eat today and if she says no. Leave her be.

Don't allow her to play or read...have her go straight to nap/rest time. NOT as a punishment but as the next activity after eating. She chose to skip lunch so she moves on to the next activity.

Plus if you allow her to do something else, others will follow.

I would even offer to allow her to simply sit at the table and NOT have to try/taste anything you serve.

Depends on whether she is crying because she is anxious about having to try something new or if she is crying just because she hates meal time.

If she is afraid you are going to pressure her to try something, let her know she doesn't have to and that she is free to simply sit while the others eat.

I would praise the heck the out of all the others for eating.

NO way would I ever make her an alternative meal. Like C2C said, you are doing her a great injustice if you continue to change the world around her....when clearly she needs to adapt to the world.

Meal time here is NO fuss.. If they are verbal and don't want to eat, say so.

If they aren't verbal, I have them sit.
They either eat or they don't.

When lunch time is over, everyone gets down from the table and moves on to the next activity...which is rest time here.

There really isn't much else you can do. If she has no documented reason for not wanting to eat...then you owe it to her to treat her like anyone else.

People will NOT change their behavior until it becomes a problem for them and right now you are the only one worried about this issue. kwim?

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I wouldn't give her anything the other kids are not getting. At my house you eat what's there or go hungry. I have a picky eater too that basically eats the same things you listed. I make sure we have one of those once a week but most of the time she will eat her fruit and bread (if we have it) and that's it.

She doesn't complain anymore (did when she first started) because she knows she isn't going to get her way.

I always say "If you don't like it don't eat it"

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Okay, so seems pretty clear that everyone feels the same. So starting next week, she gets what everyone else does. Drives me nuts though that she wouldn't eat the noodle casserole today since her main fear seems to be the noodles and it's the same damned noodles she eats perfectly fine with mac and cheese. Going to go for it next Tuesday when she comes back.

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. If shes hungry enough, she will figure out your not gona cave and eat whats given to her. By giving into her fit, she is learning she can get away with it as well as the other kids are seeing this also and might try it next time they don't get their way.

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Good luck!!

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I love this. YOu are exactly right. This has been a problem for over a year. Time to give her some tough love and just give her what the others are eating and let her sit and cry if she wants. Just wish the parents would do the same. I know that they won't. We've talked about it before. They just roll their eyes and say that she will only eat 3 or 4 things.

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I agree, I wouldn't cater to her --- HOWEVER! If you are still worried, or she doesn't seem to be budging, you could just serve one of the things she eats as the lunch for a meal or two a week, that way you know she will have eaten lunch a few times...
I also agree that there could sometimes be another circumstance at play, but I don't think that sounds like the case - if it were something like autism or a sensory processing disorder, you would see it in many other areas of her life, not just lunch time.
I'd tell everyone the new rules when she comes back : every one has the same lunch. No crying at lunch. If you don't like what we are having, you don't have to eat it, but no one gets anything other than what I've served. If you are choosing not to eat, you still need to sit with us at the table, and we will all get up when lunch time is over.
(for me it's too hard to let kids go to rest time before everyone else bc they screw around )
Good luck!

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Yea I think if she had autism I would be seeing other signs and I'm not. As Dr. Phil would say, why does she do it? Because she can! LOL!

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All great advice thanks

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Yes I think I will explain before the meal even hits the table. She's over 4 now and completely understands. I think by letting her go off to bed though is another "fun" thing for her though. SHe would probably like that. I think that she will need to stay at the table, crying or not. I'll have to look at a magazine or something though to take my mind off the crying. UGH

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me me me, I have her triplet. Look thru my threads about eat nothing girl and I totally understand where you are coming from. Its a learned behavior from home. And there is nothing you can do unless the parents try to fix it at home too.

so I make food for everyone, dcg now sits at the table and can watch the other children eat. Its gotten to the point where the other kids will put food infront of her so she will eat, but she refuses. Its sad that 3 yr olds see how awful not eating is.

also I don't cater to her. But I also don't give her treats either on the plate. Like the other day as a desert everyone got yogurt, but she ate nothing so she didn't get dessert. I find that this is what she will do, hold out till dessert time. Nope, I stopped playing games.

don't worry the crying will stop, once they realize you aren't paying attention.

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I should also say that if one of the kids asks what we're having for lunch and I tell them something she doesn't like, she starts crying just on the mere mention of it.

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This is an extremely typical response out of a child whose meals have become fraught with anxiety over them having too much control.

Teach her new, that food and meals don't have to be scary because you could care less.

I'd either ignore the crying or ask her to simply step into the other room until she's done and calmed back down.


I still to this day have an anxiety disorder that largely revolves around how my daycare providers and parents pushed, threatened, shamed and waffled around all things food. I wasnt able to sit down at a restaurant and actually enjoy a meal until I was 27 years old because of the mental damage that perpetual and anxiety producing cycle caused me....mind you it took years of therapy and the h*ll of CBT to get even there in my life and i still struggle sometimes......I know EXACTLY how she feels when she starts crying at the mere mention of a single food item. She needs to be left alone to rewrite her own new relationships with food. The only way to get her relaxed enough to do that is to back off and start making food a complete non-issue.

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I had a dcg that started with me when she was 3 1/2. When I set down her very first meal with us she said, rather dramatically, "I like hot dogs and chicken nuggets and that's all I'll eat...and I don't drink milk." My SA kids still quote it from time to time and she's been gone for 4 years! It obviously left an impression!

She was eating everything we ate by her 2nd week. She quickly realized there were only 2 food options here:

1. Eat it
2. Or don't

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Isn't it funny how many side effects that you can still feel in regards to awful meal time beliefs from childhood?

To this day when we go out to eat, I order the same thing at each place. My DH asked why...and I told him...My parents believed in the clean plate club and the "of you take it; you eat it" line of thinking so I always made sure to order something I liked just in case I didn't like it and HAD to eat it.

Eating out was a special treat that we did on a rare occasion so I most certainly didn't want to waste that "treat" by ordering something I hated and then be forced to eat it.

So I tend to err on the side of caution when dining out because of that.

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I do the exact same thing.....along with steering myself towards bland choices and sauces always on the side "just to be safe."

How awesomely adventerous are we??!



Op - I was insanely skinny as a child but so are my own two kids and they are food black holes. A lot of that can be genetic

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Do you think anything would be different if you had her be a helper in the kitchen. It may be interesting for her to see what goes into making a meal and maybe she will want a sample afterwards.

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all of my weird eating stems from bad childhood experiences.

It would take me hours to tell you the things my parents did if we did not eat our food. Basically, once I moved out of their house, I decided to go off and eat everything and anything I wanted. My favorite thing to eat was bean burritos. Where I grew up you could not get beans, so this was quite a unique taste for me. Well that ended quickly, My kidneys shut down and I was very ill for some time. After getting home from the hospital, I went straight to eating as healthy as I could.

I think others have hit it on the head. I have had kids who sound just like yours. some of them still do it. I have one that is 3.5 that if he sees a food coming to the table that he does not like, it's instant screaming time. I don't let it bother me. I just say, please remove yourself from the table until you are done screaming. You can join us when you are done screaming. When they come back they can chose if they want to eat or not.

It's frustrating, but kids will eat when they are hungry. It's like my friend says, you can lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink....

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I actually have tried that and nope didn't work Thanks for the tip though!

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Interesting thoughts on bad experiences with food from childhood

We were extremely poor. Like imagine poor and then go even farther. Many many times we would have only one meal per day. I still have a horrible habit of ordering way too much food. I eat whatever is there, even until I feel sick just from the bad habit of doing that as a child....eating when you get the chance because you dont know when you will get another chance. I am 31 and just now breaking this habit.

I HATE when my husband and his mother play the "how many bites to I have to eat game" with my kids. There is so much crying and negotiating about it, its ridiculous. I tell my husband to just leave them alone! if they eat it, they eat it. if they don't, they don't. there is no need for crying at the table. i also dont allow the bribing with dessert. The kids do not cry and carry on when i am in charge of meals and they eat everything for me and the drama ramps up 10x with hubby and MIL.

also, my husband never ever was allowed fast food or soda as a child. you already know what happened when he moved out at 17. his eating habits are horrible and we are still working on that!

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That is a perfect example of how the adult's attitude about eating and during meal time affects a child.

Meals and snacks here are simple and laid back. No bribing, no rewards, no fuss. Either eat or don't.

Your other story reminds me of a recent situation with my dad.... he had told me how he wasn't feeling too well and when I asked why, he said he thought he ate too much...I said "how so?" and he tells me that he had taken 2 pork chops out to thaw so he could eat them for dinner. They were nearing expiration and needed to be eaten THAT night.

Two friends called and invited him out so he went. They bought him dinner. When he returned home, he cooked the pork chops and ate them.

I asked him why since he had already eaten with his friends and he said that he just couldn't go to waste so he figured he better eat them.

I told him he could have cooked them and then froze them to use later and he said he didn't really think of that and that since he had a childhood like you said...he psychologically HAD to eat them.

NOT funny but I totally understand what you are saying about old habits and/or childhood experiences.

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We had the clean plate club in our house and it has been hard to leave that beh.ind in adulthood. I hated having to eat all this food just to have some dessert. Especially when I always was given too much. I try not to do that to my kids and also have to remind myself that I don't have to eat everything when we go out to eat as well.

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I never give any kids anything but what I'm serving. They just go home hungry. That's the way I raised my own children and they have an excellent pallet!! Don't do it!!!

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Well day 1 with this new technique I'm going with. Making the same exact thing for all of them. Ignoring the crying, taking the plate when it's time and not saying a word. So, today I make sloppy joes, cooked carrots, chips, grapes and milk. Immediately upon my putting it in front of her she melts into the chair and starts crying. She loves chips and loves grapes, but she refused to eat any of it. As soon as it looked like the majority was done and it was long enough, I asked everyone if they were done and took the plates away. End of story. Every day at lunch we talk about what we had for dinner the night before and when it was her time she said she had lucky charms, her mom and dad had spaghetti and her twin sister said she had a jelly sandwich. They did not eat breakfast either today so they must be starving. UGH! Day 2 is Thursday.

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Keep it up! It WILL work if you give it long enough. Just keep in mind that jelly sandwiches are worse for her than not having anything as they fill up her belly w/o any nutrients. If she has nothing she WILL eventually start to eat at least some good food (and nutrients).

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Don't engage her any more.
We are having beef stroganoff I made extra of last night- I have a 5 yr old that looked at it and said I don't eat that. I said well its on your plate to try but if you don't want to that's fine . You get to decide if your tummy is hungry or not . Remember dcg we don't eat again until afternoon snack. She won't get more applesauce or more milk- but that is the end of the discussion. No battles- she is new so there was more discussion than normal
I agree of you cry and don't choose to stop off to bed!

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I hope it will work eventually I didn't give her jelly sandwich today, her sister had that for dinner last night. I have given her pb & j before if she wouldn't eat, I might have mistyped earlier and said just jelly. Not anymore.

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My grandma always told me I had an extra shelf for dessert when my parents played the dessert game .

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Keep going! It may not work right away, especially since she isn't with you everyday. If she's starving, she'll eat it.

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Update? How was day 2?

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Well, I think that the only difference is that I'm no longer getting upset about it. She's still being stubborn and eats literally nothing. I still give her at least 1 thing that I know she likes along with whatever else we're having that day. A couple of times it's been her things that she likes like chicken nuggets or grilled cheese. Happened to be on the menu that day, didn't make it special for her. She still refuses to try anything new, so if she only eats grapes for lunch, then that is what she does. UGH! By the time I get her turned around, she'll be going to kindergarten next fall.

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Exactly and they sure as heck aren't going to cater to her.

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Exactly. You would think that these parents would want to change that behavior. No, it's easier if she doesn't eat dinner to give her lucky charms instead. No wonder she's so tiny for her age.

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I ask my kids if they eat with their eyes.

Can your eye balls taste food?
Ouch! That would hurt!
Hmmmm... Can your tongue see that food?
How do you know if your tongue will like the food until you let the tongue tastes the food?

Works for my son every time. Not always for my daughter, though many times it does.

Maybe not the approach needed in this little girl's case, but sometimes just getting mine to laugh will encourage them to try something new. And if not, well, at least they laughed.

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Have you tried letting her have a choice as to what even goes on her plate? I have a dcb with HORRIBLE eating habits, snacks all day, only simple carbs/junk. I started allowing them to plate their own food. I hand them a plate, they name what they want and everyone starts out with a small portion size.

I no longer waste food, and I no longer have a battle of wills with a 3.5yo. EVERYTHING is offered, so the food program is happy and there are no tears. Dcb also eats more (maybe the control of it?) seconds are not given unless we try everything offered. So today, my dcb CHOSE to try cauliflower and LIKED cauliflower and then had seconds of strawberries. My dcg (4.5) raised her eyebrows at me and pointed!

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I had a little guy like that and at first it bothered me a lot. He'd just look at stuff, declare he wouldn't like it. I had many conversations about just one bite, give it a try, our bodies run on food as fuel and you want to give it healthy fuel, it all fell on deaf ears. Often I'd ask him what he had for dinner the night before, a corn dog. And if he ate the corn dog he'd get a cookie. Yikes, here was a hyperactive kid living on sugar and processed foods. For him, it was corn dogs, pizza and pb&j. I got to the point I just set the plate down and didn't pay any attention to him. It's not something you can control. He would even refuse mac and cheese. Then one day I noticed all his mac and cheese was gone(well the whole one little spoonful I'd place on his plate). I knew with him it was a game he played, an issue of control.
His mom would even bring in breakfast bars for him to eat at snack. I'd simply put it in his backpack and serve him what everyone else was having.
All kids try to play these games to see what they can get, maybe in different ways. Many kids will eat cereal for supper while parents eat normal food. I don't play into it here at all. They can choose to eat or not eat, I'm not playing restaurant and have told them that many MANY times.
In fact, one of the dcks used to say "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

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