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Old 02-06-2014, 03:13 PM
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I have a dck who all of a sudden is being very mean to all of the kids. Saying hurtful things, taking toys, just flat out not being nice. He will be 4 in two weeks.

well yesterday afternoon, his friends got sick of him and told him, you are not being nice, so we don't want to play with you. The child came crying to me, NO BODY LIKES ME and NO BODY WILL PLAY WITH ME. I told him, go fix it.


He tried to say sorry, but then 2 min later, he made them all mad again. I let it play itself out and let the kids handle it. I did not allow the other kids to shun him or bully him in anyway, but I let them voice their feelings, which I believe they had every right to do. The dck ended up reading books alone in the reading sofa until he was picked up.

Well mom just sent me an email telling me that I was wrong for the way that I handled it and that I should make the other kids play with him regardless of what he did. They are kids and they need more guidance. She said that I was very unfair and that I allowed the other children to bully him.

I have not responded to her email, because I feel that I handled it just right. Sorry, if you are name calling, pushing, taking toys and just not listening, then no one is going to want to play with you. I feel that natural consequence played out here.

what do you guys think? was I wrong? Should I have forced them to play together even after I tried to fix it all morning?
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:33 PM
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I think you did absolutely great! I have one of those kids in my daycare....unfortunately it's my 4 year old daughter . She likes to say things like "I don't like _____" or "_____ is not my best friend." It's so frustrating because I don't want the daycare kids to feel unwelcome in my home. They are all really great kids (obviously with ups and downs, but generally act way better for me than my own children).

I tell my dd "Well you don't have to be their friend, but you HAVE to treat them with respect. You are not to say mean things to them." I usually send her to her room or to play by herself if she can't be respectful. Sometimes she will say "nobody wants to play with me" or "nobody likes me" and I tell her that it's because she is so mean to them all the time they don't want to spend time with her. I also encourage the other children to speak up and tell her "don't be mean."

It's an ongoing battle. She has never meshed well with my current group and I'm sad to say that she will find her last year home with her mom to be not as pleasant, but it's something I think she will really benefit from (tolerance, how to treat others with respect, etc.).
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:42 PM
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I would be searching for an explanation for the child's behavior. Why is he suddenly acting out like that? He needs some adult guidance in "good friend" behavior, and I think it sounds like he needs some serious positive attention. My guess is something has changed at home, but even if you can't get to the bottom of it, you, as the adult, need to go forward from here. Keep a close eye on him and his intereations. Warn him when his behavior starts to get out of line and remind him, in needed, how it felt when no one wanted to play with him.

"Johnny, come here for a second. I see that you are [blah]. That's the sort of behavior that might make the others not want to play with you. How can you fix it?" or if he's not sure how to fix it, "remember, you need to....."
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:45 PM
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I have done the same thing you did! If a child is being mean, I do not force another child to play with them. Actually, even if they arent being mean I dont force them to play together (just encourage it).
DCB needs to learn that if you are mean, no one will play with you.
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:53 PM
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thanks for the feed back. glad to see that I am not alone here in my actions with this situation.

Today upon arrival I did sit down with the dck and talk with him. I asked him how he felt and if he was ready to play with everyone. He said yes and I asked him what do you think you should say to your friends today? He said he was sorry. I told him that I knew how nice of a boy he was and that his friends really missed the NICE him. It has gone good today so far.

I am not too sure what is going to either. The child is very very smart, he is one of my top readers and I am beginning to wonder if the fact that he knows he is smarter than the other kids is getting to his head and this is why he is being so mean. He does say stuff like, you don't know how to read that book, but I do, I am smarter than you are. When I hear this, I will sometimes jump in and say we are all very smart and when you say things like that, it's hurtful.

I am not too sure what to say to dcm....I may just not respond to her email.....lol
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Old 02-06-2014, 07:43 PM
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I have a children's bill of rights. It's posted in my entry. One of those is the right to choose their own playmates. They also have the right to play alone, and feel and be safe. This child is infringing on their rights and they won't allow it.

If you're mean, you no one wants to play with you. It's a natural consequence. The kids are practicing social skills.

Turn it around on her. Would she want her child being forced to play with someone who is treating them badly? Or would she want her son to learn to stand up for himself and POLITELY decline being treated that way.

The only bullying I see here is this child being mean to everyone, and his mom enabling him by trying to force other children to deal with his behavior rather than fix it.
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Old 02-06-2014, 07:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daycarediva View Post

If you're mean, you no one wants to play with you. It's a natural consequence. The kids are practicing social skills.
.
Absolutely ! My kids are not allowed to say "I don't like you/ you are not my friend", But I 100% encourage them to tell that same person "I don't want to play with you because ______________". Sometimes that can be "Because.... I want to play alone" or "because.... you don't share with me". I mean that exact phrase is something I encourage. It is 100% a natural consequence. I talk to the child about it, and say "your friends don't want to play with you because you won't share. What do you think you can do to fix that ?" And normally, they get it and curb the behavior.

What better way is there for a child to learn ?

Once I had a DCM tear us end to end, because DCG5 thought that we "weren't being nice to her" and if we could go a little easier on her. Well, what DCM didn't ask about was DCG's horrific behavior that summer. When we told her that maybe she could talk to DCG about her behavior, and not breaking so many rules and then she wouldn't be in trouble so much - DCM thought that was cruel and totally unfair. That was their last day in care.
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Old 02-07-2014, 01:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daycare View Post
Well mom just sent me an email telling me that I was wrong for the way that I handled it and that I should make the other kids play with him regardless of what he did. They are kids and they need more guidance. She said that I was very unfair and that I allowed the other children to bully him.
We are not required to provide them friends. Friends are earned.

Thinking an adult has the right to force a child to play with someone is well, disordered thinking.

A child telling another child they don't want to be treated poorly is bullying, now?

Is she trying to accuse you of ganging the kids up against him? What does she feel you would have to gain from that...
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