I have a dck I've had for ages. Was part time but now full time. I was excited to get the kid full time for a bit as I'm hoping to get the kid TO FINALLY EAT!!

Two years I've had the kid x 3 days a week = just startchy snacks. Been here daily for a while and still the same.

Dck is 3.5yrs old and is here 53 hrs a week. During those hours I've tried every food possible. Seriously. French fries and strawberries. That's about it. Cookies, cupcakes, chips, sugar suga sugar and the kid gobbles it down. It absolutely amazes me.

Then this happened. Conversation at lunch today:

Dck: "this the milk at my mommys house?"
Me: yup, do you drink milk at home?
Dck:at night before bed

So I ask (because I have a HUGE hunch as to why the kid won't eat for me):do you use a cup before bed?

Dck: (laughs) nooooo silly, a bottle!

I knew it! I'm pretty sure mom feeds dck too. I witnessed it at a get together. Dck would lean over to lick the food and mom would come over to spoon feed the kid.

I've had this dck 2.5yrs. In these 2.5yrs I'm blown away by other parenting styles.

This parent insists kid is potty trained, sends in underpants and after a week of accidents finally informs me the kid has been a bit off. I'm confused though. Some days hed go just fine but now that the kid is full time I never ever see the kid use the bathroom. Kid will accident once and a tiny bit. Either the kid is dehydrated from not getting a bottle here (drank 1/4 cup of liquid for me all day) or is holding it in. 10.5hrs is a looooong time to hold it in.

Parent cries at drop off they they want to be home with kid yet took days off to re-group from stress and still kept kid here 10.5hrs every day all week.

Kid is first dropped off and last to be picked up EVERY DAY.

Dck let's the truth come out about diapers and bottles at home and mommy feeds me.

Parent never says anything, I'm not one to pry into parenting yet the kid is with me so much now I'm really worried about the kids health while here. I've voiced many concerns yet no "oh well we do kinda bottle feed the kid to make sure the kid is getting stuff". No "the doctor said ______, let's work on this".

Some things I think are developmental. Like gagging and cringing on watermelon or fries that aren't McDonald's. (we had McDonald's for a treat the other week. Gobbled down fries. Today with baked fries? I got a question if these were from McDonald's and then dck took a bite and gagged). Many other food/oral issues.

Today I'm gonna speak up about the fluid intake though. Not the bottle remark, I'll leave that out. I'm More so really concerned with the fluids and food intake.

Dck does not look malnourished but we all know that just because they don't look the part doesn't mean there isn't an issue. I feel, that if this was my kid, I'd either be at the doctors or STOP LYING TO MY PROVIDER ABOUT WHAT REALLY IS GOING ON so we can all figure this out.

Ive become very bothered by this. Either way.

Reply

Wow that is a psychiatrist appt waiting to happen. Why do parents do this to children? Do they really need him that dependant on them? Hopefully now that this dck is with you more, he will have a better influence. I have a dcb that is almost 4 and he gags and nearly pukes on the table other than his select 3 foods that he eats. Drives me nuts! But, when he does it at home the parents give in and give him his fave cereal so it works for him. Told him yesterday that that might work at home, but it's NOT working here and that he WILL eat what everyone else is.

Reply

I doubt the child is going to get dehydrated in the time he is at care, unless he NEVER drinks, even at home. That doesn't sound like it's a problem. If you are THAT worried about it, give him a bottle.

IMHO, it is really none of your business how the parents feed him at home. If they want to give him a bottle and hand feed him until he is a teenager, it is none of your business. It could be a cultural thing....I know many families who spoon feed their children until they are 4-5 years old, and it is strictly cultural.

I don't think the parents are lying to you, unless they straight out said they never give him a bottle, they don't spoon feed him and he is dry in undies all day every day, they aren't lying to you. They might be withholding all the facts, however, as they know people tend to judge parents who care for their kids in this manner

Reply

I disagree with this. I think it is the caregivers business what goes on at home as it affects the child's behavior while at day home. It very well may be a cultural thing, and that is fine. The family and child may be better off then finding care that matches their parenting style better so the child isn't in two completely different environments.

Withholding the facts makes things difficult for child and provider. That is called lying by omission. I would not tolerate that.

I have an admission record that asks all of these types of questions about the child's usual routine so I usually know those things before hand.

Reply

I agree with this 100% In CA you deal with a lot of different culture and walks of life. I myself have a VERY mixed family and can contest to what Crystal is saying first hand.

I have a kid that is almmost 3 and still on a bottle an binky. I refuse to give a child this age either. Do the DCP do it at home...YUP. DO I care, well I used to, but not anymore. No matter what I say to them it will be in one ear and out the other.

I do what works for me here and they do at home the same. They don't tell me how to do my job and I don't tell them how to do theirs. Have I advised them not to, well of course. But like I said in one ear and out the other.

I did tell the DCP that they are not helping the child to be successful in my program, but obviously, they don't care, they want to do what works for them.

Other than that, the family that I deal with is excellent. I don't battle meal times, so I just leave it be. I know that the DCK sucks down a bottle on the car ride home and makes up for all the lack of eating at my house. The parents only feed crap and I refuse to feed crap food, so they also know that little johnny will pig out the second that he gets home.

The only thing you can do it try to talk to them about it and if they refuse to do things your way, then you just have to either term the child or let it go and move on to your way and their way....

Reply

I've been tempted to give into the bottle as it would ensure the kid would get something but then again my brain is like oh come on the dck is 3! Even the 1yr old I have uses a cup. Dck used to come in with a bottle hanging out of the kids mouth in the morning and the kid would let it hang between it's teeth and talk and it would drool out. I'm not one for allowing this behavior kwim?

As far as cultural, pretty sure it's a lazy thing. A "whatever is easier" thing. I get the judgment part. No parent wants to be judged. How about though, after parent talks on food and fluid intake (just learned today the kid has been on iron pills due to low iron and Takes adult vitamins) a parent tells the person who they trust with their kids 50+ hrs a week what they do?

I asked today and told her about the fluids. She mentioned she's had problems with it too so they give the kid lots of juice. Supposed to help with the iron poops she said (he has very hard poop. It takes a lot for the kid have BMs).

I don't do juice here. Now I see why the kid isn't drinking for me.

I always tell them "we are a team". I see these kids every day all day, provide most majors meals and am supposed to take care of them.

When does it become my business? When the kid is anemic? Already is! Would they blame me if the kid ends up in the hospital because the didn't have anything to drink all day (or who knows when)? Would state be like "wow why didn't you mention this?" if it becomes a bigger issue?

Ive never seen them as a liability and I doubt it'll ever be a liability issue. That's not my concern here. I love this kid. I take care of this kid. ALL DANG DAY. The kid naps 4hrs at a time, eats cookies and drinks from a bottle.

I've been certified in child development for a looooooong time. None of my resources mentions things like this should be ok.

If it was cultural, religious, or something they practice every other Tuesday every two months for 6 hrs at a time that's fine. I have paperwork to be filled out for this reason alone and don't give two flying donkeys what they do on their time.

What I'm concerned about is what happens on my time.

Parent isnt willing to offer anything thats fine, I'll get the info from the kid.

Some parents need to be weekend parents and leave the rest up to me. LOL

Reply

i know what you are saying....I have been in your spot and have worried about similar issues that would hold be liable. But in the end, I let everything go and the kid eventually came around and ate. I don't battle the kid about food or liquids and I let them decide when they will or wont eat. If they do great and if they don't oh well, lets move on.

kids will eat and will drink when they need to. Unless the child has health issues or some disorder, the child will eat and drink when they are hunger or thirsty.
Is the child soling diapers? Having bowel movements of any kind? If so then that means they are processing normally.

the only thing that you can do is just give the child food and continue a stress free environment for them to eat in.

Reply

Loving a child in your care doesn't entail participating in practices you believe are detrimental to his mental and physical health or developmental wellbeing.

If I'm not comfortable with something I'm not doing it.

That's not judgment, and we as providers ALL have our limits. Frankly, I'm shocked at some of the "just roll with it and do whatever the parent does" responses here. If a parent allows a sibling set to beat the tar out of each other does that mean a provider should automatically allow that in their home? If the child is sassy at home, should that be allowed? If the parent allows or even encourages the child to say gimmie instead of please, do ya'll just go SURE! Of course that's ok then!


E Daycare - You need to decide for yourself what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. From there you can either confront the parents with your limits and work out a compromise that you can both feel comfortable with or terminate on the grounds that you will not do further harm to this child.


Not drinking anything for 10+ hours is IMO harmful. Not eating anything but junk is IMO harmful. Having himself convinced that his body needs to be repulsed by baked french fries to the point of impulsively gagging but will inhale McDonalds ones - is sick. I would be livid at a parent that created such an effect.

Being a provider to a child that level of full time it's an absolute must that provider and parent be on the same page. I would not continue providing care for a family if our values were that night and day. I can only imagine how confusing that would be to the child caught in the middle, and I certainly wouldn't waive the white flag and give in to doing something that was offensive to my personal ethics.

Reply

I agree with this.



I also think that if you notice something that's off with the child, and find out their cultural behavior is dangerous (example: dehydrating the child) you STILL have an obligation to address that situation. Just because different cultures do different things doesn't mean that it's always safe for the child and that we are absolved of our primary responsibilities as caregiver.

Reply

Sorry, I wanted to make it clear that when I was agreeing with Crystal, I was not saying to give in and give the child a bottle or what the child wants.

YOu have to do what works for you.... I for one would never give a child this age a bottle. BUT I would do everything I could to help this child get fluids. That means if I have to ween them off of it slowly by putting a small amount of juice in their water or something in their milk cup or sippy cup, then so be it. That is what I would do.

But you can't expect for the child to all of a sudden adapt to how you do things at your house. Some kids can go cold turkey and some have to transition with time, help and support from their care giver.

I had a child that did not like america food and I tried hard to help meet the cultural differences, but I could never cook like mom. I talked to my food program worker and they are the ones that told me to offer him everything and anything I could. I said cookies and they said yes. In the end, they taught me how to get the kid to eat and transition to healthy american food. It took time, encouragement and support. Keep in mind that as soon as this kid went home, the parents gave him their traditional countries food. I could never tell them not to feed their child food from their country because it did not work for him here, or did not work for me.

The child eventually learned to eat what we served here. There's a lot more to this story, because not only was the food an issue, but the child also could not sit to eat or feed himself. The parents chased the child all over the house trying to feed him. They let the child do whatever they wanted when it came to meal time.

I had my hands full and it took a lot of me having to work hard, patience, understanding, and dedication to this child. It took a full 3 months and even after almost a year here, sometimes the child resorts back to not wanting to eat. All it takes from me is a kind reminder and he eats.

The parents were overwhelmed with joy when the grandparents came out for a visit from their home country and their first words to the parents were. Wow it is so nice that DCK can sit down and eat with us, unlike that last time we visited you.

What I am saying is that the parents never did anything to change the way they cared for their child. I knew that since I had him more than they did, that I would be able to get the child to come around and fit into my program. Of course I felt defeated a lot of times, but I did not give up. I am happy that I didn't because I love this little guy to death and this family has been nothing by awesome.

Reply

its not a cultural difference, good then I would confront them. I would ask them "mom, sam told me that he still drinks out of a bottle and wears a diaper is this true" if its true then I would would say "well this explains why he's not wanting to drink anything for me and doesn't want to use the potty, he's being confused" sometimes you have to be blunt especially when you have a child for 11 hours a day, communication is key.

on a side note, omg, I would be so livid that they hid that info from me.

Reply

I think the difference here is that you were well aware of what you were dealing with. It sounds like the OP was told one thing (he's potty trained, etc) when it clearly wasn't true. A friend of mine interviewed a family from India for an infant spot. The mom asked about elimination communication because that's what they do at their house and back in India. Provider calmly explained why this wouldn't work in her house, but was very sensitive to the fact it was a cultural difference. She currently provides care for that child Open communication rather than elimination communication
I also cringe when I hear people say certain things are none of a provider's business as if we have nothing better to do that bitch about families - if what they are doing at home effects dc, then it is my business. A parent telling me the child is potty trained lest they think I'm "judging" them, when the child is clearly not, is going to be terminated. That's just disrespect. I can typically get a child to potty train for me, even if they don't at home, but I need to know the starting point. I will work WITH parents, not FOR them.

Reply

I feel the same as many posters in that; if it affects dc, then it is my business. I have had similar situations. I had one dcg (2yrs) that continuously took her sister's (9mth) bottle and drank it. Every time I put the bottle down! I couldn't figure out why she was doing this when according to dcm she hadn't took a bottle for over a yr. One day grandma dropped off the kids and guess what...dcg was drinking a bottle. As if that wasn't bad enough, she had pepsi in the bottle! I asked dcm about it and told her that this was a problem here, at age two. She advised that she didn't want dcg to have a bottle and would take care of it. A couple of weeks later, I asked her brother (3.5 yrs) if dcg was still drinking a bottle, and he said, "We all can drink bottles at grandma's."
So....what are you going to do. It did cause problems, and make my job hard...I ended up terming the family later, but that's a completely different story.....

Reply

I remember once there was a 3/almost 4 year old who enrolled in my former center. When Mom checked us out she mentioned to me that she hand/spoon feeds him. I didn't say anything other than "oh ok".

Monday lunch time came and sure enough he sat there waiting to be fed. I had several other children to serve as well. I immediately thought to myself I don't have time to feed him.

I am from old school. I just firmly told him that if wanted to eat, great. If he didn't, that's fine too. However I was NOT going to feed him. Sure enough, he picked up his spoon and ate everything and asked for seconds!

Mom came at snack and found the boy sitting there eating. She was stunned. She wanted to know how come he was feeding himself I told her EXACTLY what I told the boy. I also stressed to her that I have many other children to take care of during meals and I do not have time to hand feed her preschooler. I know she didn't like it but oh well.

Sometimes parents just need to let their children grow up

Reply

On a side note..

Have you considered suggesting she see a Child Developmental Dr?

Honestly some children having a strong aversion to certain textures and such may benefit from Occupational Therapy. By age 3 this can be addressed by writing a letter of concern to the school district, who will evaluate the child medically and professionally and provide said therapy through the public school.

These issues can be neurological, or parent induced. It really is up to a Developmental Dr. to determine that and go from there. Either way, no matter who is to blame; the child may need intervention in order to help a situation of malnutrition or dehydration. Even if a child makes up for fluids by bottle after daycare, it can be a potentially dangerous situation.

If this is a continued or elevated concern and DCP are not acknowleging this, a call to the pediatrician or reporting it may be the better option. I would not allow this to get to a point where you could be held liable, or even worse the child ends up in distress.

Please excuse me if I sound like an alarmist, but I'm really sensitive to these types of issues.

Reply