For the past 2 weeks, we have been having issues with a 4yr old African-American DCB using the "N" word. He will call his friends this as a term of endearment (common in the AA community). This is all day every day and he knows how to use it and several curse words in the proper context. He knows exactly what he's saying and what it means. We have had talk after talk with DCPS and they always respond with, We don't talk like that at home" or "I don't know where he learned that from". Well, i know exactly where he learned it from. The music that they blast in parking lot twice a day, the overheard phone conversations in the parking lot where every third word was a curse word or the "N" word, and the fact that DCB told me that he went to the movies to see Jamie Foxx (Django Unchained). My Director flat out told them that if this continues, they will have to find other care for DCB. We don't want any of the other children picking up that nasty habit.

Well guess what happened this morning? Another DCP came in mad as h*** telling my Director that her son (who is white) said that all of his school friends were his "N". She questioned him about where he learned that word and he told her that Billy calls everybody that because it means friend.

The parents were immediately called and told to come pick him up and find other care for him because he is not allowed back. They rant and rave about us being racist (I'm black by the way) and we kicked him out because they are black and they are calling DSS to report us and they're going to sue us for discrimination.

Of all the things I've dealt with over the past 17 yrs in childcare, this is an absolute first for me. What shocks me the most is that they didn't think anything was wrong with his potty mouth.

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Uhhhhhhh, not ok! I can't believe the parents had the nerve to say they don't know where he gets it from.....especially when other parents or staff had heard them talk like that! I know that like you said in the AA community the term is used amongst each other, but it's not accepted everywhere in every situation. And I can't believe that they let him watch that movie at 4 years old! I was going to say that some people (parents) grow up in an environment where people talk like that so it may be normal for them, but if they deny that they talk like that then they know what they are doing especially around a four year old who will repeat everything. Let them call licensing! Have the parents come and put their child in the classroom with licensing standing there and see what happens...lol Some people!

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I do not have any advice on this, but my son who is also AA went through a phase like that in the 6th grade. He was saying the N word with an A at the end. Him and two other AA were calling each other that.

All 3 of them got sent to the principals office and parents called. Turns out that I was the only one upset by it. The other two families found it to be ok. My son got in a lot of trouble with me. I made him do a history report on where the word derived from. He never said it again.

This kid is 4, I am sure no doubt that he hears parents, siblings, cousins, neighbors and family friends say it.

I honestly don't understand why they think it's ok, but I don't understand a lot of things.....

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I love that you made him write a report on the word! Good parent! I'm white and that word bothers me!

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I guess I'm confused but we really don't alot of AA where I live but I thought it was politically incorrect to use that word? I thought it was considered deragatory and not correct? Is anyone able to explain this part to me?

Now, if its ok to use within their culture can we really tell them not to say it. Since he is so little and here's his parents call all their friends this, all he is doing is calling his friends that. How do you really tell a child what they are doing is wrong if he is growing up in a culture/home where it is apropriate?

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well I think that is the issue. he is a child and he does not understand that it's not ok to say that when he goes to school. Maybe mom and dad say its ok, but kids dont understand the when and where. Just like my son with the word fart. he can say it at home only, but he can't say it anywhere else. BUT he's 5 so he knows this

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I agree with previous post in a way but what would happen if when this AA family is dropping off in the am and here comes little white boy and says "hey my n"??? I know that the AA parent, that by the way taught that to his child is going to go directly to the office to say there is a racist family in the center because little white child is calling his son a "n". So yes it is wrong for the family to use this word in front of the child and it should be addressed, because if not it could have resulted in a very serious situation between DC families.

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It's only derogative if a non AA says it according to one of my families.

BTDT - I had a family where the grandparents on both sides were famous musicians, parents both grew up in the ghetto. The 2 1/2 yr had a mouth you wouldn't believe. "I gonna kick yo N'a a$$." I lost touch with the family years ago, but really wonder what the kids are like now.

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In the AA culture, with some families, it is considered appropriate for them to use it in a 'friendly' context. However, I don't think that many people consider it okay for a white person to use it no matter what the context.

Think about some of the other words that families say in their home and even allow their child to say, but that are not really considered appropriate at school or in public. For example, damn or stupid or retarded. Yes, in some families these words are considered appropriate, but in the larger culture of preschool, it's not allowed. If a child cannot distinguish where it's okay to say these things and where it is not and parents are not being helpful in making him stop these words, then that child care is not a place for him. I would have done the same thing.

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I'm still confused-.

The original pp said he uses it as a term of enderment (doesn't that mean love/kindess), knows what it means and uses it correctly. This is where I"m confused-how can he be doing the above and be doing it wrongly.

I guess I'm really confused on knowing what it means and using it correctly if in his culture it is a term of enderment. In our eyes its wrong but in his culture its excepted. I guess I would think they would think it is wrong also if they were offended by it but obvioulsy they don't.

Am I really out in left field or does anyone understand what I'm trying to say but can't get it typed out correctly.

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OK, so how do you tell a child that what his culture teaches him is wrong to do? This is something he is going to see on a daily basis and until he has the maturity to know that it is wrong, it won't make sense to him. It still might not because it is in his culture.

Also, for the words you used as an example-those aren't words certain cultures use that I know of.

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trust me when I tell you I can completely relate with what you are saying. I asked my son why they felt it was ok for their own race to call each other this and it be ok, but not other races. He said it was the same thing as a gay guy being allowed to call their gay friends that word, but when others say it, its obviously being used in a hurtful way??

Trust me when I tell you that I too don't get it...

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I totally agree. It's hard for him to understand the when and where because mom/dad talk like this all the time and everywhere they go. As far as them taking him to see Django, I didn't believe it at first until he described the final scenes including the actual lines.

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When I said term of endearment, I meant that he used the word like you would say "That's my friend/brother/homie/buddy etc.".

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I dont know waht that is? a movie? a bad one I am assuming...

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I understand he is to little to understand but his parents are not, they should be educated and if it has to be by the DC director then it has to be that way then. They don't understand that by talking like this in front of his child a big mess can be created, what if another AA family that does not use this word heard the white boy saying that to their child? Like I said, messy situations can be avoided and this is one of those situations where it can.

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It's a Quentin Tarentino film so it's ultra violent, full of adult language. Jamie Foxx plays a freed slave turned bounty hunter trying to rescue his wife who was sold to another owner.

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I don't want to imagine the fall out from that situation. In my state, it would probably make the news and the parents run out of the center. This is why I stress to parents to be mindful of what you say around children.

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The issue of it being ok for AA's to say it and no one else is in and of itself racist. It's a massive and quite disgusting double standard.

Amongst a handful of my foster families the mentality of "we earned the right to use that word now but no one else should" blew my mind. My favorite was, if an AA family beat a child within an inch of their life it was automatically assumed there was a cultural misunderstanding as far as acceptable discipline practices go and they were afforded many MANY more chances to reunify than the Caucasian family who did the same thing and simply "should have known better."

BULL.

What drives me nuts is crap like that is the opposite of progress as far as racial equality goes. Same goes for junk double standard positions like racial profiling is wrong, but affirmative action isn't.


Anything that is ok for one group but isn't for another, or is deemed appropriate for one group while coming at the expense of another is the very definition of discrimination.



OP - I'm glad they're gone. If they see nothing wrong with their child hearing, seeing or learning garbage like that guaranteed things would have just continued to go downhill for the child and the rest of the group would have suffered for it. Let them whine to the county, it's obvious they're the ones in the wrong here and that should come through plain as day. I am glad you had good sense not to let is just slide.

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I would have told the other little boy that "Billy" is using the wrong word and that that word is a word meant to put people down- If you look it up in the dictionary it means "an uneducated or ignorant person" as well as a racial slur. I listened to rap music (Dr.Dre, 50 Cent, D12) when I grew up (still do occationally) which always said that word but I was also about 10 when I started really listening to music and I never used that word, because I was old/mature enough to understand that it is not a good word to say no matter what color you are; but especually if you are white. I had white and hispanic friends and my brother (also white) who would say that word and I would tell them "I don't like that word- Don't use it when you are around me". My boyfriend also says it sometiems because he grew up in Stockton and heard it alot but I told him he needs to stop saying that word and he doesn't say it as much (at least not around me).

Some parents I think just do not value how smart their younger children really are and how easily they pick up on things- even on the radio. My cousin onetime was driving with me and her nephew in the car and she was listening to a song by Katie Perry called "I wanna see your Peacock" and her nephew was only 2 at the time and theres a part when they only chant the last part of "Peacock" and he started singing that part and once she heard him say that she changed songs Immediately.

At one daycare I used to work at a little boy and his family were going to Disneyland that weekend and he was in the TV room with the other older kids (5+) because it was still nap time and about 10 minutes before his dad came in he was telling another kid about a joke he heard on TV the night before and dropped the F-Bomb. Another little boy ran and told the teachers and he started crying because he didn't want to get in trouble. The teahers knew he was sorry and weren't even going to mention it to his dad or the DCP because they knew he was really scared and wouldn't do it again (he is normally a really sweet and kind kid) but then when the DCP and his dad showed up he started crying hystarically and saying sorry alot- I think he was more afraid that the provider wouldn't want him there anymore than getting in trouble with his parents. The provider just told him not to use that word anymore and gave him a hug.

I also don't like the J word, because I heard it alot growing up and its a hispanic version of the N word- Its another word they call Latino people working in fields. Thats why I don't really like that "I got the moves like Jagger" song- though I am aware it is a reference to Mick Jagger.

Too bad even though we are mandated reporters who must report parents if we suspect abuse or neglect; we can't report parents for ignorants and spreading hateful words/beliefs to young children. If the parents really want to listen to that kinda music they shouldn't listen to it when their kids are around or at the very least get a clean version of the song without any badwords. I also wouldn't accept stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, or any other putdown words and tell children that people only use those words when they aren't creative (or smart) enough to find better words.

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How about we lose the African American term and we just all be Americans that don't use that word?

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Huh I don't understand how this relates to the post at all?

I do agree with what you are saying about all being equal American but that's is not what this is about.

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They are saying that they believe the focus is too much on the race of the individuals using this word and not the fact that they are just people ("Americans") who happen to be saying a word that degrates a certain race, that they happen to be. I think they were basically saying that it's a form of labling, seperating, or targeting a specific group and making them seem different from another group because that word shouldn't be okay for anyone to say.

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I am not sure here which is more culturally insensitive - allowing the use of the word, or NOT allowing a child use a term that is accepted in his culture!!!This is certainly a can of worms lol

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What culture? Are you saying America does not have a culture or that there are those that will not accept that culture? This is confusing to me. There shouldn't be an alternate culture or alternate America. When you write; "NOT allowing a child use a term that is accepted in his culture", it serves both those who are racists and those that see themselves as different. It keeps us divided.

I'm sure the KKK is perfectly fine with a "culture" that separates itself from America, even though that culture has just as much right to call themselves Americans. When will African Americans just call themselves American? Aren't we ALL from other countries?

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See this is what I have been thinking about and trying to write in previous posts. You worded it right on!

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" He will call his friends this as a term of endearment (common in the AA community). "

Get for real this term is not ok in the Black commmunity. Only in the ghetto community. Not having your facts straight can be offensive. It's the rappers giving a whole community of people a bad name. That word is not ok, and the majority of black people do not use it. Don't try to speak for others and that it is a disgusting double standard. This is a word used by racists and ignorant wanna be and actual gang bangers. Issue at hand how to get the chid to stop. Leave your innacurate, offensive opinions to yourself.

Source:BLACK

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I have always hated that word, and never thought it was ok for anyone to say it. Everyone around me knows that to be true. I find it offensive that people who are no black can paint a picture of what is ok in my community. Just talk to the parents and try to figure out how to get the little boy to stop.

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So is the op Binkybobo

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This word is NOT common in my community. Does that answer your question. I'm still offended, and no one can tell me not to be. The same black person that thought it was ok to say it offended me.

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I found it difficut to work in ghetto daycares because of the things the children said. It is not a common word of endearment, don't get it twisted it is an ignorant word used by ignorant people who are wannabe thugs.

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Are you suggesting that I shouldn't be offended because OP is black? Oh its ok now..I din't know she was a fellow black lady. I am totally ok with it!

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This made my blood boil more than anything else. I get where the OP is coming from, but I don not agree with some othe generalzations by most posters. There is no point behind you pointing this out. Everyone on her eis an individula person regardless of the color of their skin. n I am surepeope of your race throw you off at times. I am sure that you do not always agree with DCP that are the same race as you.

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It isn't an issue in my daycare but if it was I wouldn't accept the word. Whether used as a form of endearment or not it is a dangerous word that you should feel comfortable banning from your centre.
Tell his parents that because it is a word that can promote hate when used in the wrong context and because the children in your care are not equipped to understand when it is and isn't appropriate you have decided to make it an inappropriate word at all times. They need to be willing to support you on this or find alternate daycare.

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This is exactly how I think it should be handled. I just didn't think everyone needed to go into a spill about how black peope call each other this, and it's ok...blah blah blah..disgusting double standard etc. etc. I just thought we shoud have just stuck to the original issue and tried to solve it.

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Your thinking is far too simplistic.

While yes, we are all Americans, we are ALL further categorized into subtypes of people that can be distinguished from others based on our gender, race and appearance in general, occupation, religious affiliation, country of origin, age, health status etc etc etc (infinity).

I am a young, blond haired, fair skinned, woman with German roots, a mother, a wife, spiritual but not religiously affiliated, horse/country loving, licensed daycare provider.

George is an middle aged, black haired, dark skinned man with Kenyan roots, committed lifetime bachelor, diehard Roman Catholic, theater/city loving, executive CEO.

It is most definitely *not* offensive to point out those differences. It's not doing some sort of disservice to both of our additional claim of being American to identify and celebrate those differences. It doesn't make us any less American to further identify as other things. We are not *just* where we currently living.


The bulk of my college education was studying sociology and psychology. The who, what, where, why and how we identify ourselves and relate to our place in this world. As long as it's not made into an issue of hurting others we can be proud of our differences, they are exactly what makes this world so fascinating. I couldn't fathom a world where everyone was h*ll bent on identifying with everyone else in exactly the same ways and went tip-toeing around our biological differences if fear of offending.

How unbelievably sad and boring life would be.....

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It was solved-they were kicked out of the center.

I was asking questions because of not having really any AA in the area I live in. Also, some of my questions did ask how to handle it since it was said that it is part of their culture.

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I thnk this is the part that bothered me. The fact that you not having many black people in your area being told the opposite of what you already believed which is that it IS politically incorrect.

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I have a very strong stcance on this word. Not using it is a part of who I am. I hope that I am allowed to have an opinion without being accused of playing some card.

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I do have to say that the AA in my community do come from some large areas but come here to attend college (play basketball). I am not around them so I have no idea how they speak to each other or to friends. We have very few older AA more then anything.

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Let me also ponit out that I never thought original OP was racist. I just didn't like some of the wording. Maybe it's just not a common word of endearment in my area. Remind me not move to these areas where it's so common.

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Country Kids - I'm sorry you attempted to learn more about this and are being ripped apart for it. Your lack of direct experience doesn't make your questions any less deserving of any answer.

In fact, your questions indicate you are incredibly culturally sensitive because you're keeping an open mind despite the initially offensive nature of the word itself.

Kudos to you

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Wait.. I though Country kids and I just ended this on very understanding and good terms. I was never offended by her.

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No, I termed one dcb who was the whitest child I have ever seen for having a potty mouth. I don't discriminate.

^ OP

^ you, and your source was that you are black. *I* was simply pointing out that the OP is also black.

^ I assumed you were referring to the OP as you were quoting her.



I'm white & cuban, and grew up in a predominantly aa community. IN MY EXPERIENCE, that word is quite prevalent.

I'm sure it varies by community.

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I just thought the answer she was giving would lead her to beieve that black people thought this was ann acceptabe word. Don't be so catty.

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Let's end this on a good note. Am I not allowed to say I disagree?

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I do as well. Some of my best friends, and my children's godmother are AA. They don't use the word AT ALL, ever and grew up right where I did.

To clarify, I wasn't trying to offend you in any way, it just seemed that you were against the OP's generalizations and since you said that you were black, I wanted to clarify that op is also black, like I said, I am sure it varies by community. I have been around both types of people. One man i greatly respect, a well educated community leader, an aa man, uses that term as endearment. I also know the mixed race child of a drug addict who will hit anyone that says it.

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absolutely!

To clarify- SOME aa people use this as a term of endearment. SOME aa people find it highly offensive.

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Thanks

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Thank you again!

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Thank you Willow-

Actually growing up I heard people use the word quite often (not from this area). I'm not going to say my parents were racists but the areas they grew up (the south/parts of the East coast) were. It was kinda like this little boy, the culture you grow up in type thing.

I was sent to a private school (no AA there), but I do remember my dad having an AA friend as we went to their house. I watched the Waltons while they visited.

I had a great aunt that still had house helpers but they adored her as she was extremely good to them-extremely.

I lead a totally different life then what I grew up in-totally.

So knowing it was totally offensive for people (this was the 70's) to hear/use and there was such a huge big poiltical/AA push for it not to be used, I'm not understanding why they still use it then. It seems very, very double standard in my mind for us not to use it but ok for them to. I'm thinking in my mind we could have always said it was a cultural thing to do.

Living in the area we live in there are few AA and the ones living here (younger), I wasn't aware that its still a word that was still used.

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I think what's troubling is because in some areas the word is still used regularly, that's driving a resurgence in the amount of people thinking or at least questioning if it's now acceptable.

If AA's are saying it, it's all over the radio, it's all over the television, it's all over our movie screens, then it now must be a socially acceptable term.

Then you get all kinds of people butt hurt when they hear someone use it outside of those medias, or they use it themselves and it offends someone else....it's like, where did that line go of it being completely unacceptable period with no exceptions?


I don't blame anyone for not wondering what the heck happened to that, and where we're supposed to go from here as far as political correctness goes. It's easy to tout that there is one right response, but that doesn't take into account EVERYONE'S feelings on the topic as everyone doesn't obviously agree that it's a word that should or shouldn't be used.

The First Amendment is about as American as Americanism comes, whether we agree with what is freely spoken or not

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Its like saying, My Brothas, my home boys, or homies, kind of thing.

The black community is allowed to talk to each other like this and call each other the N word, but usually the white community is not allowed to talk to them like that and call them the N word. And I say usually because there are alot of white people that are accepted in the black community and are allowed to talk like that.

I dont think its appropriate for anyone to use that word, but to each their own I guess.

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Personally, I have a strong negative reaction to the N word. However, if some families choose to use that word, then I really think that they should teach their children that there is a certain time and place for certain words. If a child said this word in my preschool because it's part of his family culture, then I wouldn't necessarily say to the child that it's absolutely wrong, however, it is a word that can offend some and not a word that we are allowed to use in preschool.

With the words I used as examples I was just saying that some families may find them okay ( I do not), but they are words that I do not allow in my preschool.

That's just how I see it.

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