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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>The Self Help Skills Nightmare
daycarediva 08:32 AM 08-25-2016
Dcb-2.5. Dcm is trying to potty train. Dcb does show signs of readiness- wakes up dry, asks to be changed, shows interest in the bathroom. but has ZERO self help skills. He's only been here a few weeks, but he cannot remove slip on shoes (for example). If I do "superfunactivity" and tell dcb "you can come as soon as your shoes are off! He will say "ok" and sit and watch. Verbal direction gets him nowhere and it I hand over hand to show him, he loses his mind, and asks me to "help". I sent mom my potty training letter yesterday.

Today, another dcb, almost 3 comes in- they have been off and yay dcb is doing great on the potty. Here are pull-ups. Dcb has been here for a year. He also has zero self help skills.

Learned helplessness! It's a big trend here that children don't learn these skills! What the heck parents?!
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Controlled Chaos 08:50 AM 08-25-2016
Even some of my favorite dkps are afraid of being seen as "mean" so they won't make their children do tasks they KNOW they can do in front of other adults if there is any resistance from the child.

Nothing more frustrating (for me at least) than a child 2.5 and older who won't/can't take off their shoes. One of my 2.5dcbs has been carrying his shoes outside A LOT lately. He can put them on, he just doesn't. I am happy to help with straps and even getting the heel on a tricky pair, but when they won't even try to get their toes in...ack it just drives me nuts!
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Ariana 10:09 AM 08-25-2016
Its because parents are in a rush all the time and can't sit and wait for their kids to learn this skill. It is so easy to just put the shoes on, zip the coat etc and if you don't have a determined child it makes it even worse because they won't insist on doing it themselves.

My first child was not a very determined kid and I kept doing everything for her, finally at 3 I was like "what the heck am I doing"???? She learned after that. My second child is very determined and she learned everything on her own with very little help from me by the time she was 3!
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daycarediva 11:35 AM 08-25-2016
Both dcb's are treated MUCH younger than they are. In fact, dcm refers to dcb's age in months "He's 31 months!"

It is just becoming a thing with all of my kids, I used to have to help the youngest or on occasion older kids with tricky shoes. I have 18m-5yo's. The 18mo can do more for herself than the 2.5-3.5yo's! And she has a motor delay!

I of course try. Bring shoes out, natural consequences of missing out on fun things. Nothing works. Both kids would just sit and mope or ask for help (although they don't want HELP, they want it done for them)
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EntropyControlSpecialist 11:41 AM 08-25-2016
I pretend like I don't notice that they do everything for their child.

I will say something like, "Here I will help a child ONLY IF they cannot do something themselves. I won't rescue a child from doing something they CAN do themselves but don't want to. That was the best parenting advice I've ever received and it was from a Bible study group! I know you do the same for Johnny and that's SO beneficial for him."

They tend to stop rescuing after that (in front of me).
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Blackcat31 12:23 PM 08-25-2016
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
Both dcb's are treated MUCH younger than they are. In fact, dcm refers to dcb's age in months "He's 31 months!"

It is just becoming a thing with all of my kids, I used to have to help the youngest or on occasion older kids with tricky shoes. I have 18m-5yo's. The 18mo can do more for herself than the 2.5-3.5yo's! And she has a motor delay!

I of course try. Bring shoes out, natural consequences of missing out on fun things. Nothing works. Both kids would just sit and mope or ask for help (although they don't want HELP, they want it done for them)
I do this with EVERYTHING.

If they don't put on their own shoes, walk in on their own, etc...

They aren't "big" kids.

Here "big kids" have LOTS of special privileges.

I know you said it isn't helping or making much of an impact but I've found its about the second week of being denied these privileges that the light bulb suddenly goes off.

I also do alot of superficial and over inflated praising and commenting about what fun things the "big kids" get to do.
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TXhomedaycare 01:13 PM 08-25-2016
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I do this with EVERYTHING.

If they don't put on their own shoes, walk in on their own, etc...

They aren't "big" kids.

Here "big kids" have LOTS of special privileges.

I know you said it isn't helping or making much of an impact but I've found its about the second week of being denied these privileges that the light bulb suddenly goes off.

I also do alot of superficial and over inflated praising and commenting about what fun things the "big kids" get to do.
I have to start doing that more. I do it for some things but not as much as I could. I have 2 new dcg this week and the 4 yo wants me to come and wipe her in the restroom, lay down with her during nap (nope) and play with her while she ignores the other kids. She cannot put her shoes on and does not try and do much herself. I struggle greatly with kids who are 3 and 4 and have no self-help skills. In her defense she always has converse or lace up cloth shoes that are terrible to put on for a young child. I wish parents would stop trying to dress their children cute and send them in clothes and shoes they can try and learn to put on themselves. Once my sons turned 2 they were on their own but they are also very determined and will figure things out with our without me
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Blackcat31 01:34 PM 08-25-2016
Originally Posted by TXhomedaycare:
I have to start doing that more. I do it for some things but not as much as I could. I have 2 new dcg this week and the 4 yo wants me to come and wipe her in the restroom, lay down with her during nap (nope) and play with her while she ignores the other kids. She cannot put her shoes on and does not try and do much herself. I struggle greatly with kids who are 3 and 4 and have no self-help skills. In her defense she always has converse or lace up cloth shoes that are terrible to put on for a young child. I wish parents would stop trying to dress their children cute and send them in clothes and shoes they can try and learn to put on themselves. Once my sons turned 2 they were on their own but they are also very determined and will figure things out with our without me
I just keep reminding myself


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racemom 01:50 PM 08-25-2016
Oh yes, I hear "mommy do it", a lot from one dcg. I just respond mommy isn't here, and I am not doing it for you. It doesn't matter what it is, she doesn't want to do anything for herself, and her statement that mommy do it, tells me mommy does do eveeything!
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Tags:learned helplessness
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