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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Daycare Mom Thinks My Ex Was A Saint
permanentvacation 05:58 AM 05-14-2014
This is very long. A bit of a rant, and would like advise on how to get this mother to stop ranting about her ex to me at pick up every day.

One of my daycare mothers is really upsetting me daily. She happens to know my ex-husband and thinks he is a Saint. Her daughter is dropped off in the mornings by the grandmother with whom I have the typical 'It's a nice day' conversation with. But then the mother picks her daughter up in the evening. She sits down and starts ranting about her abusive ex (the child's father) every day! I just started piling up junk in my chairs just so she can't pop a squat, but that makes my home/daycare look less professional. Even though I filled the chairs up so she can't sit down, she then stands there and rants on. Then she always says, "but I know (my ex's name) would have done anything like that", or "I know (my ex) was a great guy". I feel like yelling at her "No, he was a horrible guy that's why he's my EX!!"

My ex put my (our) children and me through hell constantly! The day after our honeymoon, I asked him how much our gas and electric bill was. He didn't say a word. He got up, put his hand on my chest, pushed me backward, bent me backwards into the kitchen sink and told me It's none of your business and this conversation is over because I said so" When we got ready for bed that night, I told him that even though we are married now, he still has to treat me civilly. He said "No I don't bit_h. We're married now!" Then he would just randomly cuss me out, call me names, shove me around, etc. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me to have an abortion or he'd push me down the stairs to kill our baby. He used to come home from work frustrated by his job and take it out on me by pushing me around, shoving me down, degrading me constantly, calling me names, threatened to kill me on a bi-weekly basis, my younger daughter would try to defend me by the time she was 3 years old and she would run in front of me and yell "Daddy stop, you're scaring me". Then he would look directly at her and threaten to hit her or knock her down too. Of course as soon as I would see my daughter coming into the room, I'd tell her to go somewhere else and let me handle this. Both of my kids and I got to the point that we would get anxiety attacks when it was close to the time of him coming home from work and we would try to make everything 'perfect for daddy' so he wouldn't get mad. Such as clean up the toys, have dinner ready, the kids would go in their room and wouldn't dare to fuss with each other. We would start 'walking on egg shells about an hour before we expected him home until the next day after he left for work again.

Of course, no one knows any of this about him. I HATED going to his job, the marina, because everyone would tell me what a great guy he is and how lucky I am to be married to him. The only response I could come up with was, "yeah, he really knows how to work on boats and he brings home all his money."

Well, my new daycare mom happens to have a boyfriend who has a boat at the marina my ex works at. So my daycare mom knows my ex from there. So she thinks he's some great guy. Every day at pick up time she rants about her abusive ex and then tells me that she knows how great my ex was/is.

I just sit there wanting to explode on her. I feel like those penguins in that movie, "just smile and wave, boys, just smile and wave". But I really can't keep smiling and waving at this lady much more!

My ex helps me by giving me money (above the required child support), helping to get my daughter back and forth to school on days she's late or needs to get picked up from school/sports, helps fix my car, etc. He lives about 5 minutes away, and works in the marina behind the shopping center we go to all the time, and works in the area my daughter's friends live in and hangs out in all the time.

So, I have never told anyone who knows him about him being abusive to my daughters and me. I have tried in a variety of ways to get this daycare mom to stop ranting about her ex to me. I've said things like "I don't want the children to hear this". I've made sure to be busy doing something in the kitchen, just pop my head around the corner and say ' Hi, okay (little girl) mom's here, bye guys, have a good night' and then go back to being busy in the kitchen. But she stands there waiting for me so she can rant to me.

I don't know what to do to get this woman to stop ranting about her ex to me. It gets me highly upset, brings back up all those feelings that I have stopped having (anger, hatred, wanting to bust out crying, being upset that my kids' family life was not what it should have been, upset that my marriage wasn't what it should have been, wanting to just beat the living crap out of my ex.. all those emotions). By her ranting about her ex, she brings back all of those emotions to me every day and I just can't keep going through this.
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NightOwl 06:14 AM 05-14-2014
Two possible senerios for you:

Maybe you could have a heart to heart with her. Make her feel like you are confiding a deep secret (she'll feel special for that) and tell her you were once in a very abusive relationship. Give her some of these details but don't tell her it was your ex. Say it was a previous relationship. And when she tells you about the things her own ex has done, it dredges up some very intense, negative emotions in you and puts a damper on the rest of your day. If you approach it as a "I'm being vulnerable right now in sharing this with you because I know you'll understand" attitude, she'll probably feel special that you shared this with her and honor your wishes. You don't have to tell her anything about your children because that would indicate it was your ex.

On the other hand, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't protect that bastard! I'd make sure everyone in town knew what a low life he is. I'm betting he does those extra things like the money and the transportation help, etc, because he's hoping it will keep you quiet. I would be screaming it from a mountaintop!

So there's my two suggestions. Please keep us updated!
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MamaBearCanada 06:32 AM 05-14-2014
Dear DCM

Please refrain from talking about my ex while you are here. I'm sure you understand he's my ex for a reason. (Big smile) Thanks.
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Laurel 09:25 AM 05-14-2014
Originally Posted by MamaBearCanada:
Dear DCM

Please refrain from talking about my ex while you are here. I'm sure you understand he's my ex for a reason. (Big smile) Thanks.


Laurel

P.S. If she keeps on, just keep saying the same thing over and over until she 'gets' it. It is called the 'broken record technique'.
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llpa 09:59 AM 05-14-2014
Originally Posted by MamaBearCanada:
Dear DCM

Please refrain from talking about my ex while you are here. I'm sure you understand he's my ex for a reason. (Big smile) Thanks.
Definitely and like you said should any children be hearing this?
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daycarediva 10:04 AM 05-14-2014
"dcm, I know I have allowed it in the past, but I cannot have you badmouthing (CHILDS FATHER) in front of (CHILD). You can see how that can be very upsetting to a child. Also, there is a reason my ex and I are no longer together, so unless you've been married to him, kindly keep your opinion of him to yourself. Thanks."

Have dcg ready to go, meet Mom at the door, say this and close the door.
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Sugar Magnolia 10:24 AM 05-14-2014
I would just be honest and direct. If it were me, I would probably leave my ex out of the discussion. I would NOT confide in her at all about about what happened to you, it's not her business.
"Hey Sally, after giving this a lot of thought, I would really prefer the topic of your ex not be discussed in my home and in the presence of children . It is my job to provide your child with a loving and stable environment. Negative comments from you about your ex are detrimental to that positive atmosphere. While I do sympathize with you and know it might be helpful to you to vent to someone about him, my home with children in care is not the time or place to discuss your abusive ex. I'm sure you understand."

If she's been told not to slam her ex in your home, the topic if your ex should naturally go away too. Kwim?


Your story is so sad. I'm sorry you had to endure that.
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Laurel 10:35 AM 05-14-2014
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I would just be honest and direct. If it were me, I would probably leave my ex out of the discussion. I would NOT confide in her at all about about what happened to you, it's not her business.
"Hey Sally, after giving this a lot of thought, I would really prefer the topic of your ex not be discussed in my home and in the presence of children . It is my job to provide your child with a loving and stable environment. Negative comments from you about your ex are detrimental to that positive atmosphere. While I do sympathize with you and know it might be helpful to you to vent to someone about him, my home with children in care is not the time or place to discuss your abusive ex. I'm sure you understand."

If she's been told not to slam her ex in your home, the topic if your ex should naturally go away too. Kwim?


Your story is so sad. I'm sorry you had to endure that.

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sharlan 10:44 AM 05-14-2014
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I would just be honest and direct. If it were me, I would probably leave my ex out of the discussion. I would NOT confide in her at all about about what happened to you, it's not her business.
"Hey Sally, after giving this a lot of thought, I would really prefer the topic of your ex not be discussed in my home and in the presence of children . It is my job to provide your child with a loving and stable environment. Negative comments from you about your ex are detrimental to that positive atmosphere. While I do sympathize with you and know it might be helpful to you to vent to someone about him, my home with children in care is not the time or place to discuss your abusive ex. I'm sure you understand."

If she's been told not to slam her ex in your home, the topic if your ex should naturally go away too. Kwim?


Your story is so sad. I'm sorry you had to endure that.
I agree with this.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
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EntropyControlSpecialist 11:24 AM 05-14-2014
Originally Posted by MamaBearCanada:
Dear DCM

Please refrain from talking about my ex while you are here. I'm sure you understand he's my ex for a reason. (Big smile) Thanks.
Simple and quick.
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KidGrind 02:54 PM 05-14-2014
My response would be, ďIím glad you think _______ is a great guy. I am sorry you had a bad experience with your ex. Between you and I, I donít like to listen or talk about anyoneís ex including mine. They are exes for reason and talking about them is like beating a dead horse."
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wdmmom 03:14 PM 05-14-2014
I would meet her at the door with her child each day and tell her

"I've gotta run. See you tomorrow."

After a few days of this, maybe she'll stop.

If not, the next time she wants to have a talk with you, I'd tell her,

"Sally, I know you think Tom is fabulous but I'm not in the business of bad mouthing or gossiping. My job is daycare. If you want to talk about your child's enrollment or have concerns, let me know and I'll let you a night I am available to discuss things with you."
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craftymissbeth 03:34 PM 05-14-2014
Originally Posted by wdmmom:
I would meet her at the door with her child each day and tell her

"I've gotta run. See you tomorrow."

After a few days of this, maybe she'll stop.

If not, the next time she wants to have a talk with you, I'd tell her,

"Sally, I know you think Tom is fabulous but I'm not in the business of bad mouthing or gossiping. My job is daycare. If you want to talk about your child's enrollment or have concerns, let me know and I'll let you a night I am available to discuss things with you."
If this dcm feels comfortable plopping herself down and going on and on about a topic OP doesn't want to hear, then there's absolutely no way I'd offer up any of my free time to listen to it.

I'd dcm is so desperate to talk about the issue then I'm sure a counselor would love to sit and listen for 55 minutes
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permanentvacation 11:34 AM 05-15-2014
Thank you all for your advise. The day I posted this, the mother had to pick the child up early and was in a hurry to get somewhere. Then today, the child's sister picked her up. So I haven't been able to tell her not to talk about her ex since I posted this. The next time she does start fussing about him though, I do plan to directly tell her that she can not do so here.
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EntropyControlSpecialist 12:22 PM 05-15-2014
Originally Posted by permanentvacation:
Thank you all for your advise. The day I posted this, the mother had to pick the child up early and was in a hurry to get somewhere. Then today, the child's sister picked her up. So I haven't been able to tell her not to talk about her ex since I posted this. The next time she does start fussing about him though, I do plan to directly tell her that she can not do so here.
Glad you have had a little mental break before you have to spell things out for her.
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2grls4us 01:12 PM 05-15-2014
I guess I was thinking of a different approach altogether. I would probabl suggest she seek some counseling. Sounds like she has some unresolved issues she needs to get passed. But yes you need to also stand up and say I'm sure someone thinks her ex husband is a great guy too. Looks can be deceiving. I had a horrible ex husband too I actually had his next wife calling me for advise on divorcing him and wanting my sympathy. Guess what she didn't get it. But I had a hard time with bringing up things I had forgotten about and moved passed made me physically ill until I asked her to never call me again. Now she wants to be friends on facebook?
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KidGrind 03:26 AM 05-16-2014
Originally Posted by 2grls4us:
I guess I was thinking of a different approach altogether. I would probabl suggest she seek some counseling. Sounds like she has some unresolved issues she needs to get passed. But yes you need to also stand up and say I'm sure someone thinks her ex husband is a great guy too. Looks can be deceiving. I had a horrible ex husband too I actually had his next wife calling me for advise on divorcing him and wanting my sympathy. Guess what she didn't get it. But I had a hard time with bringing up things I had forgotten about and moved passed made me physically ill until I asked her to never call me again. Now she wants to be friends on facebook?

I totally respect your choice and not wanting to deal with being dragged into your exís business. I hope the current wife gets a clue and leaves you alone. Not making an excuse for her but I had an experience years ago. Someone reached out to me because they felt isolated. They knew I would understand because I had dealt with the same individual. I chose to keep it short; confirm I understood their experience; they werenít crazy; it wasnít their fault; wished them the best and explain I had no interest in continuing the conversation because Iíve moved on.
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Tags:husband - loser, lingering parents
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