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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>DH Does Not Respect Daycare
DaisyMamma 10:46 AM 10-24-2012
He doesn't get it. This is my workspace. He is home one day a week and gets home from work 1 hour before I close the other days.
He comes in and opens baby gates and doesn't close them. Leaves doors open that per licensing need to closed. Talks loud on the phone during nap, goes in/out during nap that causes 4 dogs to bark. Leaves outside gate unlocked! Will decide to make a stew, a 1 hr process, at 11:30 in our tiny kitchen!
It's really getting to me. I tell him over and over and over, each and every time, sometimes nicely other times not - especially if I just told him 10 minutes prior. He does it again the next day, the next hour, etc... Sigh I'm pulling my hair out! I hate Wednesday!
Anyone have this problem?
What to do?!
Reply
rhymia1 11:07 AM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by DaisyMamma:
He doesn't get it. This is my workspace. He is home one day a week and gets home from work 1 hour before I close the other days.
He comes in and opens baby gates and doesn't close them. Leaves doors open that per licensing need to closed. Talks loud on the phone during nap, goes in/out during nap that causes 4 dogs to bark. Leaves outside gate unlocked! Will decide to make a stew, a 1 hr process, at 11:30 in our tiny kitchen!
It's really getting to me. I tell him over and over and over, each and every time, sometimes nicely other times not - especially if I just told him 10 minutes prior. He does it again the next day, the next hour, etc... Sigh I'm pulling my hair out! I hate Wednesday!
Anyone have this problem?
What to do?!
Not that bad! My DH does get annoyed with the clutter and din of the dc, but he is a teacher so he "gets" it (even if he doesn't always love it )
One thing that I do remind my husband of is all the benefits of my job - I make much more than if I worked outside the home, we don't have to pay for after/no school care for our own kids, the tax breaks that we would not get if I worked outside the home, etc. etc.
That said, this is his home to and as annoying as he can be underfoot I also have to have some understanding.
Reply
EchoMom 11:26 AM 10-24-2012
Yes, I totally understand, although my dh isn't quite as bad as what you're saying. My DH comes home and doesn't take our DS right away. I say, "Pick your son up from daycare!" and he says, "But he's having fun" and I say, he's been with his friends and these toys in this playroom for the last 8 hours, take him to do something else with you that you can do one on one that I can't do with six! Plus, I need a break and just like any other parent, if he gets home from work at 4:30, he should pick his kid up from daycare, even if daycare is his own house!

Also, my DH wants to talk about his day and I am in work mode, he thinks I'm so rude, but it's just because I'm in the zone and monitoring monitoring, getting ready. He comes home at 4:30 and that's the final hour when everyone needs a final change, clothes, noses wiped, last snack, outside time, get bags and crafts to go home ready, await parents. I can't visit with him and he still doesnt' get that.

Also, it's just a quirk of mine, but I really don't like a man "hanging around" even if the kids love him, even if the parents know him, even if it's his own house I just don't like the parents to think that my DH is hanging with their kids. Just an odd paranoia of mine, I wouldn't like it so I assume they wouldn't either.

And he wants to watch TV and I say I don't want parents to think the TV was on all day and he can't watch anything to mature for their eyes to see.

Yeah, they just... don't... get it!
Reply
Nickel 11:31 AM 10-24-2012
My dh isn't as bad but he doesn't get it either... He doesn't understand why I can't clean the house spotless and take care of 4 kids all day. he doesn't get why i get angry when a parent doesn't follow my policies. He doesn't get that I actually have an income. He thinks I should be able to run errands and cook dinner and take the kids to activities and do homework and clean and pay bills and .....

He also doensn't understand why I am rushing around in the morning trying to get things done. he thinks I have all day to do things while he has to "go to work" and I do nothing

Ok, I'm getting myself fired up. But yes, I do get it and I don't understand why my dh doesn't. My husband is getting marginally better but I bring up things like, THE STATE REQUIRES ME TO... I could get in trouble if we dont...

As for the baby gates, I find if it inconveiniences my husband he is more likely to do it. So I would ask him a million times to come back and close it. And use your OMG HURRY voice!!! DH please come back and close the gate dcb is eating your "favorite object* DH can you come grab this for me.

You could always put him to work on Wednesdays maybe he will find something else to do and stay out of your way
Reply
sharlan 11:35 AM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by DaisyMamma:
He doesn't get it. This is my workspace. He is home one day a week and gets home from work 1 hour before I close the other days.
He comes in and opens baby gates and doesn't close them. Leaves doors open that per licensing need to closed. Talks loud on the phone during nap, goes in/out during nap that causes 4 dogs to bark. Leaves outside gate unlocked! Will decide to make a stew, a 1 hr process, at 11:30 in our tiny kitchen!
It's really getting to me. I tell him over and over and over, each and every time, sometimes nicely other times not - especially if I just told him 10 minutes prior. He does it again the next day, the next hour, etc... Sigh I'm pulling my hair out! I hate Wednesday!
Anyone have this problem?
What to do?!
I'm sorry but your dh is showing a total lack of respect for your daycare. I understand that it's an imposition, but that is YOUR source of income and place of business. He needs to understand and respect that. Is is possible to go out to dinner and have a one to one conversation about this? Also explain to him that if licensing comes in and sees the open gates, etc, the fines could be pretty hefty.
Reply
Sugar Magnolia 11:47 AM 10-24-2012
No advice, just sympathy....(((hugs))).
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DaisyMamma 11:49 AM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by rhymia1:
That said, this is his home to and as annoying as he can be underfoot I also have to have some understanding.
This is true, but during the hours of xx:xx and xx:xx it is a business and gates cannot be left open, etc.

Originally Posted by Nickel:
My dh isn't as bad but he doesn't get it either... He doesn't understand why I can't clean the house spotless and take care of 4 kids all day. he doesn't get why i get angry when a parent doesn't follow my policies. He doesn't get that I actually have an income. He thinks I should be able to run errands and cook dinner and take the kids to activities and do homework and clean and pay bills and .....

He also doensn't understand why I am rushing around in the morning trying to get things done. he thinks I have all day to do things while he has to "go to work" and I do nothing
OYE. I understand completely. dh will say "why did you...., you were here ALL day." (yea, I was sitting on the couch eating bon bons and watching soaps, you caught me
You could always put him to work on Wednesdays maybe he will find something else to do and stay out of your way
Great plan!
Originally Posted by sharlan:
I'm sorry but your dh is showing a total lack of respect for your daycare. I understand that it's an imposition, but that is YOUR source of income and place of business. He needs to understand and respect that. Is is possible to go out to dinner and have a one to one conversation about this? Also explain to him that if licensing comes in and sees the open gates, etc, the fines could be pretty hefty.
Don't be sorry, that's exactly my complaint. We have at least two serious discussions about it. I think I will try again now that I'm making a lot more $$
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Willow 11:59 AM 10-24-2012
My husband left the door to our giant shed/garage open once (which is not at all far from my swing set and and daycare play area of the yard). It's full of tools, the tractor, atvs, fertilizers, gasoline and oil etc......all things licensing would have a bird about if they ever caught them near the kids.


I made comment about how he must have some burning desire to support our family all on his own because licensing sure as (poop) would shut me down if they came upon the sight.





Notice I said he left the shed door open *once*..........


Inside the house I typically have the opposite problem. He thinks small children are made of glass and becomes concerned that my three year olds are in boosters instead of high chairs. Nearly has a coronary when the babies learn how to roll over, then another when they learn how to crawl, then another when they learn how to walk - anticipating that means they're obviously doomed to move themselves into a the path of an oncoming bus or airplane in our very living room or something. I'm pretty sure he'd prefer they all came wrapped in bubble wrap daily
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dave4him 12:21 PM 10-24-2012
Perhaps i should remain quiet and nod nervously.
I totally get it though, it can feel like all you do is clean and work a full time job at part time pay with no appreciation from anyone. goes with the job... seems like the DK's eat all the food, make all the mess, and dont bring in enough income to justify any of it..... hang in there we are a support group for the crazy daycare providers
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clep 12:44 PM 10-24-2012
I used to have this same exact issue with my husband. It took me some time to figure out that it wasn't my day home he didn't have respect for....it was me, what I did, what I thought, felt and needed.

I let him know that the day home was my personal financial security and I was not about to watch that be risked for anyone, especially for someone who had so little regard for me.

I started setting very real boundaries like he was a child. I let him know if he left a gate open or did ANYTHING again that endangered another child or was against licencing, he would have to go somewhere else during day home hours. If he refused to go somewhere else during those hours, he could move out.

I provided him the licencing regulations to read over, since I wasn't about to go over every detail. If he had questions he could ask me.

My day home is awesome now. My hubby even helps out at times and makes our lunch. He is very respectful now.
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DaisyMamma 12:48 PM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by dave4him:
Perhaps i should remain quiet and nod nervously.
I totally get it though, it can feel like all you do is clean and work a full time job at part time pay with no appreciation from anyone. goes with the job... seems like the DK's eat all the food, make all the mess, and dont bring in enough income to justify any of it..... hang in there we are a support group for the crazy daycare providers
It is a whole lot of work, long hours, etc. But the income is incredible at this time. Even making 10k more than dh. All the more reason for him to be better about these things.
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DaisyMamma 12:50 PM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by clep:
I used to have this same exact issue with my husband. It took me some time to figure out that it wasn't my day home he didn't have respect for....it was me, what I did, what I thought, felt and needed.

I let him know that the day home was my personal financial security and I was not about to watch that be risked for anyone, especially for someone who had so little regard for me.

I started setting very real boundaries like he was a child. I let him know if he left a gate open or did ANYTHING again that endangered another child or was against licencing, he would have to go somewhere else during day home hours. If he refused to go somewhere else during those hours, he could move out.

I provided him the licencing regulations to read over, since I wasn't about to go over every detail. If he had questions he could ask me.

My day home is awesome now. My hubby even helps out at times and makes our lunch. He is very respectful now.
I'm going to bring my license regulations to our "dinner chat" and do just this
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Soccermom 01:00 PM 10-24-2012
I could have written your post DaisyMama!
DH does not respect what I do at all. He sees it as babysitting and doesn't realize all the planning that goes into my day and that anything that might set off our routine for the day can end in a disaster!
He won't cut the lawn when I ask him to and will leave it so long, I could lose the DCKS in it! It is embarassing, this is my business. This is my job.
He will leave his work boots in front of the door and then DCPS can't open the door. He will hang his dirty coat and hat from the DCKS Coat hooks. Their names are written on them for crying out loud!!! They get all upset when their hook is taken.
He does not help me cook supper or help me clean the house after Daycare hours. I do this all on my own.
The worst part is he doesn't want me to go to work outside the home because he doesn't want our kids in daycare. I support that and care for children in our home so we can pay the bills at the end of the month.
You would think he would be glad and want to help out.
Also if I set up a block area or play are in our main living space to divide the kids up a little once in awhile, he will come home and say what did you put that there for......**SCREAM!!!!**
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DaisyMamma 01:04 PM 10-24-2012
Thank goodness for our wonderful support group!


I think our job is one of the hardest when many don't even consider it a "job".
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daycare 01:21 PM 10-24-2012
has you DH ever been home for a full day to help you with the DC?? Not see you with the daycare, but help you????
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DaisyMamma 01:26 PM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
has you DH ever been home for a full day to help you with the DC?? Not see you with the daycare, but help you????
ROTFL!
Yea, right! No, but I will certainly bring that option up.
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daycare 01:32 PM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by DaisyMamma:
ROTFL!
Yea, right! No, but I will certainly bring that option up.
well my DH was like yours, maybe worse....that was until one day I was very ill. So I said you have to help me today. He didn't want to at first, but I had a fever of 104.00. (kidney infection, ugh) This was some time ago.

Well by noon, he could not hang and was wishing he would get called into work. by the end of the day, he was crashed out on the sofa and slept like a baby until 7am that next day, while I was up cleaning and setting up for daycare still sick.

After that day, he has a whole new found respect for me and tells me how proud of me he is that I can do this job day in and out. He even helps me out when he is here. He helps wash hands and loves to be the dc cook....that way he can wear the apron that says kiss the cook.......
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Lyss 02:59 PM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by glenechogirl:
Yes, I totally understand, although my dh isn't quite as bad as what you're saying. My DH comes home and doesn't take our DS right away. I say, "Pick your son up from daycare!" and he says, "But he's having fun" and I say, he's been with his friends and these toys in this playroom for the last 8 hours, take him to do something else with you that you can do one on one that I can't do with six! Plus, I need a break and just like any other parent, if he gets home from work at 4:30, he should pick his kid up from daycare, even if daycare is his own house!

Also, my DH wants to talk about his day and I am in work mode, he thinks I'm so rude, but it's just because I'm in the zone and monitoring monitoring, getting ready. He comes home at 4:30 and that's the final hour when everyone needs a final change, clothes, noses wiped, last snack, outside time, get bags and crafts to go home ready, await parents. I can't visit with him and he still doesnt' get that.

Also, it's just a quirk of mine, but I really don't like a man "hanging around" even if the kids love him, even if the parents know him, even if it's his own house I just don't like the parents to think that my DH is hanging with their kids. Just an odd paranoia of mine, I wouldn't like it so I assume they wouldn't either.

And he wants to watch TV and I say I don't want parents to think the TV was on all day and he can't watch anything to mature for their eyes to see.

Yeah, they just... don't... get it!
This could have been my post! I have the same issues! My DH gets home 45mins before my pick up rush begins, I give him time to change out of his uniform and get something to drink or a snack but then if he hasn't "picked up" our DD, I find myself telling him the same thing you do!

I also have a thing about him hanging around (and watching tv) while the daycare kids are getting picked up. I'm not sure why but I just get all anxious like "can't you take DD and go for a bike ride or play in her room?" He works hard all day (which the DCPs know) and he has a great relationship with the parents and kids but I still prefer him to be off somewhere rather than hanging out in sight. I think it's because I feel like the parents assume whatever is going on at pick up is what's been going on all day, even though our day is nothing like pick up time.

Originally Posted by clep:
I started setting very real boundaries like he was a child.
I do this with my DH as well! Occasionally I'll get the "don't treat me like a DCK!" comment but most the time it's the same system!
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lovemykidstoo 03:53 PM 10-24-2012
Okay, I seriously think I win this one hahaha!! My dh has been unemployed since February. He's here with me all day, every day!! I think that I'm seriously going to shoot myself. Between the stress of him not working and having him here everyday it's terrible sometimes. I don't see him all day and then as soon as the kids lay down for nap, he's in the kitchen making lunch and he's not a quiet person. or he's going up and down the stairs right next to where the kids are sleeping. Then of course there is the lawn mower during naptime. My favorite though is when he's been doing things all morning and then I just get the kids down for their nap, make my lunch and sit down to watch one of my shows and he plops in the lazyboy and starts snoring. UGH!!!!!!
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EntropyControlSpecialist 04:21 PM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by glenechogirl:
Yes, I totally understand, although my dh isn't quite as bad as what you're saying. My DH comes home and doesn't take our DS right away. I say, "Pick your son up from daycare!" and he says, "But he's having fun" and I say, he's been with his friends and these toys in this playroom for the last 8 hours, take him to do something else with you that you can do one on one that I can't do with six! Plus, I need a break and just like any other parent, if he gets home from work at 4:30, he should pick his kid up from daycare, even if daycare is his own house!

Also, my DH wants to talk about his day and I am in work mode, he thinks I'm so rude, but it's just because I'm in the zone and monitoring monitoring, getting ready. He comes home at 4:30 and that's the final hour when everyone needs a final change, clothes, noses wiped, last snack, outside time, get bags and crafts to go home ready, await parents. I can't visit with him and he still doesnt' get that.

Also, it's just a quirk of mine, but I really don't like a man "hanging around" even if the kids love him, even if the parents know him, even if it's his own house I just don't like the parents to think that my DH is hanging with their kids. Just an odd paranoia of mine, I wouldn't like it so I assume they wouldn't either.

And he wants to watch TV and I say I don't want parents to think the TV was on all day and he can't watch anything to mature for their eyes to see.

Yeah, they just... don't... get it!
This makes me laugh because my husband, a large, bald black man, is my assistant. He is around the children the ENTIRE day and is in charge of drop offs in the morning. I have never had an issue with him being here.

I'm sorry that your husband isn't understanding, OP. I can only imagine how terrible that would feel.
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AllDeezBabies 04:32 PM 10-24-2012
I had this issue when I first started and I had to remind him of how much he like the fact that I stayed home with our children and assisted with bills. When my complaining fell on deaf ears I intentionally left open one of my computer windows that had an incomplete application for outside work. I wasn't really applying for work just wanted to give the illusion.

Once he saw that, he had to sit me down to ask if there was an issue because I was applying for a job outside of home. I laid all my issues on the table then. He is much better now.
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mom2many 04:59 PM 10-24-2012
This post made me laugh, because I could relate in many ways! My hubby retired 2 years ago and it took awhile to work out the kinks! He had always been supportive and respectful of my business and usually made himself scarce when he got off work and there were never any real issues.

However...when he retired, I needed to remind him that I had been doing this job by myself for 24 years and was perfectly capable of doing it and did not want or need him to "micromanage" me! (In all fairness, he did have some good ideas and a fresh perspective and we have learned to come together and make a good team!)

It was not an easy transition though...AND he built himself a man cave to go hide out in when he needs some time away from the daycare craziness!
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EchoMom 07:18 PM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by Lyss:
This could have been my post! I have the same issues! My DH gets home 45mins before my pick up rush begins, I give him time to change out of his uniform and get something to drink or a snack but then if he hasn't "picked up" our DD, I find myself telling him the same thing you do!

I also have a thing about him hanging around (and watching tv) while the daycare kids are getting picked up. I'm not sure why but I just get all anxious like "can't you take DD and go for a bike ride or play in her room?" He works hard all day (which the DCPs know) and he has a great relationship with the parents and kids but I still prefer him to be off somewhere rather than hanging out in sight. I think it's because I feel like the parents assume whatever is going on at pick up is what's been going on all day, even though our day is nothing like pick up time.



I do this with my DH as well! Occasionally I'll get the "don't treat me like a DCK!" comment but most the time it's the same system!
Hahaha! You definitely do "get it" sounds like we're very similar!
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brookeroo 08:52 PM 10-24-2012
Originally Posted by Nickel:
My dh isn't as bad but he doesn't get it either... He doesn't understand why I can't clean the house spotless and take care of 4 kids all day. he doesn't get why i get angry when a parent doesn't follow my policies. He doesn't get that I actually have an income. He thinks I should be able to run errands and cook dinner and take the kids to activities and do homework and clean and pay bills and .....

He also doensn't understand why I am rushing around in the morning trying to get things done. he thinks I have all day to do things while he has to "go to work" and I do nothing

Ok, I'm getting myself fired up. But yes, I do get it and I don't understand why my dh doesn't. My husband is getting marginally better but I bring up things like, THE STATE REQUIRES ME TO... I could get in trouble if we dont...

As for the baby gates, I find if it inconveiniences my husband he is more likely to do it. So I would ask him a million times to come back and close it. And use your OMG HURRY voice!!! DH please come back and close the gate dcb is eating your "favorite object* DH can you come grab this for me.

You could always put him to work on Wednesdays maybe he will find something else to do and stay out of your way
When did I fall asleep and start typing??

Good lord. I'm glad I'm not the only one in this land of "Crazy".

My husband is all for me bringing money in but ask for a little respect and that's where it ends. He has begun giving my son baths over the last two years. That's pretty much it though. He doesn't help me a single bit around the house. He says he's responsible for the outside of the house. Great... it snowed 2 times last year and he had to mow all of 3 times due to the drought this summer... just recently had to start doing yard work...

He is the biggest tighta** you ever saw in your life. We still have separate bank accounts after 2 years of marriage and nearly 7 years together. He is a Senior Underwriter for a bank (where we met while I worked).

He pays the mortgage and that actually is about it. I pay all the utilities, groceries and ALL of the kids clothing/needs. If we go out to eat he usually pays about 60% of the time and expects me to pay approximately 40% of the time. I pay my own car insurance/registration/maintenance and also have to take it in myself. I have to reimburse him for my health insurance. He's supposed to split the doctors bills 50/50 with me but I have to nag, nag NAG at him for weeks to write me checks or for anything else and he usually will not pay me back until I owe him for something so that he doesn't have to pay me as much.

I stopped helping him buy gifts for his family's side of gifts because, 1. he won't do the same for me and 2. he always stiffs me paying me back after he tells me that he will. He gets his panties in a bunch because he "has to" have the health insurance come out of his paycheck. Lord knows he rides my rear end the day it comes out of his paycheck to write him the reimbursement!

He does actually get up in the morning and gets my son dressed for preschool which he drives him to. I start my first DCK around 6:45, lay him down on arrival. Get in the shower before my 7:20 kids to show. He won't even answer the phone if one of them calls because "it's not his job" and he has to get ready for his own day. He comes home at least 1 or 2 times a week from work bringing only himself lunch to eat in front of everyone. Complains about how the house is a wreck, or dck "puked" (spit up) on the carpet again. Tells me I should keep him in the superyard with a rubber lined rug under it all day.

I don't actually have issues with the gates with him luckily. He is pretty trained already since we have a 1 year old ourselves.

On two separate occasions I asked him to take something away from a child that they were not supposed to have. One was a container of unused wipes of one of the DCK's which he was trying to open and eat (my former special needs client) and the other was a burp rag while I was feeding a baby with acid reflux and his response was also... "No, that's not my job. I didn't come here to work for you. What would you do if I wasn't here?"

SERIOUSLY... Why DID you COME HOME???

God forbid this same baby spits up on "the carpet we replaced 2 years ago..." because you won't stop nagging at me how we spent $3000 on carpet that "these kids" are destroying but

1. you refuse to take your shoes off at the doors, like the rule I tried to implement because the stairs are starting to show wear and tear already and
2. you can't take 2 seconds to do something nice and supportive for your wife for once in your life like walk 3 extra steps to the burp cloths as you are walking right past them! Same ol, same ol


Chivalry really is dead... It was shot on sight in this house.

JERKFACE!

LOL Sometimes I wonder how I put up with him sometimes but over all we actually do have a decent marriage. SOMEHOW we work.
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dave4him 09:04 PM 10-24-2012
Just got done mopping the floor.... not sure who is winning here
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Nellie 01:11 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by Nickel:
My dh isn't as bad but he doesn't get it either... He doesn't understand why I can't clean the house spotless and take care of 4 kids all day. he doesn't get why i get angry when a parent doesn't follow my policies. He doesn't get that I actually have an income. He thinks I should be able to run errands and cook dinner and take the kids to activities and do homework and clean and pay bills and .....

He also doensn't understand why I am rushing around in the morning trying to get things done. he thinks I have all day to do things while he has to "go to work" and I do nothing

Ok, I'm getting myself fired up. But yes, I do get it and I don't understand why my dh doesn't. My husband is getting marginally better but I bring up things like, THE STATE REQUIRES ME TO... I could get in trouble if we dont...

As for the baby gates, I find if it inconveiniences my husband he is more likely to do it. So I would ask him a million times to come back and close it. And use your OMG HURRY voice!!! DH please come back and close the gate dcb is eating your "favorite object* DH can you come grab this for me.
You could always put him to work on Wednesdays maybe he will find something else to do and stay out of your way
My husband seems to think that he isn't resposible for our kids ever......He doesn't know how to look at the computer or watch tv but keep an ear out for the kids. Don't get me wrong that he isn't wonderful with them and doesn't spend time with them, but if he is on the computer he won't hear the front door open and our son walk out or notice that our son is trashing my prep for the next day at the desk(with my husband on the computer sitting next to him). I started not noticing when the boys would open the basement door and getting into some of his hobbies down there. It seemed to make a difference when a kid was in his stuff. Also when I stopped doing EVERYTHING he eventually had to step it up some. Kids walked out the door......I watched from the window(we live out in the woods) till hubby asked where the kids were(pretend like I wasn't paying attention either). Even with some other aspects of our house hold if I don't wash his clothes he will finally do it, or if he starts getting phone calls that the bills haven't been paid-he'll do it(it was an accident and I forgot). If I wait late enough to start cleaning up he'll help(if he wants me in bed at the same time as him). This is kind of passive aggressive, but I got sick of nagging. My husband is off most of Jan, Feb, and sometimes part of March. He works hard 12 to 16 hour days 6 days a week the rest of the year. He seems to think that means he can play in the basement and work on his hobbies and nap all day. I give him about a week or two, then it is living with the devil if he thinks I'm going to take care of OUR kids while he gets to do what he wants and that includes cleaning up too. It gets to be along winter if I'm PISSED everyday.
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EntropyControlSpecialist 05:35 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by brookeroo:
When did I fall asleep and start typing??

Good lord. I'm glad I'm not the only one in this land of "Crazy".

My husband is all for me bringing money in but ask for a little respect and that's where it ends. He has begun giving my son baths over the last two years. That's pretty much it though. He doesn't help me a single bit around the house. He says he's responsible for the outside of the house. Great... it snowed 2 times last year and he had to mow all of 3 times due to the drought this summer... just recently had to start doing yard work...

He is the biggest tighta** you ever saw in your life. We still have separate bank accounts after 2 years of marriage and nearly 7 years together. He is a Senior Underwriter for a bank (where we met while I worked).

He pays the mortgage and that actually is about it. I pay all the utilities, groceries and ALL of the kids clothing/needs. If we go out to eat he usually pays about 60% of the time and expects me to pay approximately 40% of the time. I pay my own car insurance/registration/maintenance and also have to take it in myself. I have to reimburse him for my health insurance. He's supposed to split the doctors bills 50/50 with me but I have to nag, nag NAG at him for weeks to write me checks or for anything else and he usually will not pay me back until I owe him for something so that he doesn't have to pay me as much.

I stopped helping him buy gifts for his family's side of gifts because, 1. he won't do the same for me and 2. he always stiffs me paying me back after he tells me that he will. He gets his panties in a bunch because he "has to" have the health insurance come out of his paycheck. Lord knows he rides my rear end the day it comes out of his paycheck to write him the reimbursement!

He does actually get up in the morning and gets my son dressed for preschool which he drives him to. I start my first DCK around 6:45, lay him down on arrival. Get in the shower before my 7:20 kids to show. He won't even answer the phone if one of them calls because "it's not his job" and he has to get ready for his own day. He comes home at least 1 or 2 times a week from work bringing only himself lunch to eat in front of everyone. Complains about how the house is a wreck, or dck "puked" (spit up) on the carpet again. Tells me I should keep him in the superyard with a rubber lined rug under it all day.

I don't actually have issues with the gates with him luckily. He is pretty trained already since we have a 1 year old ourselves.

On two separate occasions I asked him to take something away from a child that they were not supposed to have. One was a container of unused wipes of one of the DCK's which he was trying to open and eat (my former special needs client) and the other was a burp rag while I was feeding a baby with acid reflux and his response was also... "No, that's not my job. I didn't come here to work for you. What would you do if I wasn't here?"

SERIOUSLY... Why DID you COME HOME???

God forbid this same baby spits up on "the carpet we replaced 2 years ago..." because you won't stop nagging at me how we spent $3000 on carpet that "these kids" are destroying but

1. you refuse to take your shoes off at the doors, like the rule I tried to implement because the stairs are starting to show wear and tear already and
2. you can't take 2 seconds to do something nice and supportive for your wife for once in your life like walk 3 extra steps to the burp cloths as you are walking right past them! Same ol, same ol


Chivalry really is dead... It was shot on sight in this house.

JERKFACE!

LOL Sometimes I wonder how I put up with him sometimes but over all we actually do have a decent marriage. SOMEHOW we work.
Holy cow. Your husband sounds incredibly selfish. God bless you.
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Cat Herder 05:43 AM 10-25-2012
I am going to go out on a limb here and say I don't see the daycare as the issue.

Your DH is showing a lack of respect for YOU.

IMHO, That is probably where these discussions need to start.
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countrymom 05:59 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
I am going to go out on a limb here and say I don't see the daycare as the issue.

Your DH is showing a lack of respect for YOU.

IMHO, That is probably where these discussions need to start.
I have to agree. These things you ladies are talking about has nothing to do with daycare, its the lack of respect your dh is giving you. I've been married a long time (maybe thats why I can see it) and have been doing dc for a while now too and like any job you need to have balance.

Yes, some days I feel like I do it all, till I start to yell and make everyone help me, but I think thats just the way I am, because I expect perfection. My dh is great with the kids because and they all talk to him, but he was the youngest of 4, always had friends over, now we have 4 kids and daycare kids so maybe that makes a difference.

oh, dh also has a house all the way at the back of the property, when he doesn't want to hang around he goes to his "house" (its a large shed, that he is still building on) but he does alot of stuff that I don't have to ask.

really guys, you need to get a balance, this is a job just like any other job. If you worked outside the home would your spouse treat you the same or different.
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canadiancare 06:00 AM 10-25-2012
No my husband is quite good about respect. He is usually gone within about 10 minutes of the first morning drop off and doesn't get home until after I close (I work 06h30-16h30) On the rare days he is home he is working so he just stays up in our room. I do call him to lunch earlier than he would like so that he eats with the kids and then goes back up so it is quiet during naps. (we are on the main floor with napping done on mats in the front room/ playroom.)

My challenge are weeks like this week when my boys are home as it is university reading week. I feel bad because they are musicians who end up being restricted to when they can play/have friends over etc.

I've been at this for 21 years now and I am full until 2015 at which point I am hoping to retire/find a part time outside the home job (maybe even as a daycare supply staff)
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DaisyMamma 06:08 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
I am going to go out on a limb here and say I don't see the daycare as the issue.

Your DH is showing a lack of respect for YOU.

IMHO, That is probably where these discussions need to start.
Thank you for your honesty. I'm going to put some serious thought into this before we have a serious discussion. Because this is NOT working, nor is it fair AT ALL.

Thank you to everyone. I got a few good tips here.

Brookerroo, WOW! Are you for real? I'm so sorry....

Daycare, I think I might have to be "sick" next Wednesday!

Lovemykidstoo, MY GOD PUT THAT MAN TO WORK! LOL
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MyAngels 06:13 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by Willow:
Inside the house I typically have the opposite problem. He thinks small children are made of glass and becomes concerned that my three year olds are in boosters instead of high chairs. Nearly has a coronary when the babies learn how to roll over, then another when they learn how to crawl, then another when they learn how to walk - anticipating that means they're obviously doomed to move themselves into a the path of an oncoming bus or airplane in our very living room or something. I'm pretty sure he'd prefer they all came wrapped in bubble wrap daily


I thought I was the only one who had a DH like this.

OP I agree with Cat Herder - sounds like it's time for a discussion of the most serious sort.
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Cat Herder 06:14 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by DaisyMamma:
Thank you for your honesty. I'm going to put some serious thought into this before we have a serious discussion. Because this is NOT working, nor is it fair AT ALL.
I understand because I have been there before.

This would have helped me when it was time for "the talk".

I bet you will find it helpful, too. Having a plan is empowering.

http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/dmtalk.html
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canadiancare 06:20 AM 10-25-2012
also it is posts like this that fuel my fear as to what my husband and I will find to do with each other when we are retired.

I feel like my life has revolved around children for so long and he has been out climbing the professional ladder that our interests are really different.

At the end of the day I disinfect, make supper, load the dishwasher and then want to sit and watch crap TV.

He comes home, eats, exercises and then works on email.

I need to find us a common interest or we'll be the 2 old people waiting our lives out.
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Cat Herder 06:51 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by canadiancare:
I need to find us a common interest or we'll be the 2 old people waiting our lives out.
IME, Lingerie and Laughter works quite well.

For Real, though, Taking time out TO BE kids together, instead of just caring for kids together is working very well for me so far.
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clep 07:21 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by canadiancare:
also it is posts like this that fuel my fear as to what my husband and I will find to do with each other when we are retired.

I feel like my life has revolved around children for so long and he has been out climbing the professional ladder that our interests are really different.

At the end of the day I disinfect, make supper, load the dishwasher and then want to sit and watch crap TV.

He comes home, eats, exercises and then works on email.

I need to find us a common interest or we'll be the 2 old people waiting our lives out.
I so identify with you. My husband just changed his shift at work so he could be here helping me more with the day home for now till I close. That has been helpful for me not feeling like all I do is the household tasks as he does most of them now.

I read a book once called "The seven levels of intimacy". It shared why common interests aren't the key to a lasting happy relationship, but a common purpose is. My hubby read it too and it has changed so much for us. Once we had a common purpose things just fell into place.

Now we are onto learning each other's love languages. It never ends.
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Happy Hearts 08:56 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by brookeroo:
When did I fall asleep and start typing??

Good lord. I'm glad I'm not the only one in this land of "Crazy".

My husband is all for me bringing money in but ask for a little respect and that's where it ends. He has begun giving my son baths over the last two years. That's pretty much it though. He doesn't help me a single bit around the house. He says he's responsible for the outside of the house. Great... it snowed 2 times last year and he had to mow all of 3 times due to the drought this summer... just recently had to start doing yard work...

He is the biggest tighta** you ever saw in your life. We still have separate bank accounts after 2 years of marriage and nearly 7 years together. He is a Senior Underwriter for a bank (where we met while I worked).

He pays the mortgage and that actually is about it. I pay all the utilities, groceries and ALL of the kids clothing/needs. If we go out to eat he usually pays about 60% of the time and expects me to pay approximately 40% of the time. I pay my own car insurance/registration/maintenance and also have to take it in myself. I have to reimburse him for my health insurance. He's supposed to split the doctors bills 50/50 with me but I have to nag, nag NAG at him for weeks to write me checks or for anything else and he usually will not pay me back until I owe him for something so that he doesn't have to pay me as much.

I stopped helping him buy gifts for his family's side of gifts because, 1. he won't do the same for me and 2. he always stiffs me paying me back after he tells me that he will. He gets his panties in a bunch because he "has to" have the health insurance come out of his paycheck. Lord knows he rides my rear end the day it comes out of his paycheck to write him the reimbursement!

He does actually get up in the morning and gets my son dressed for preschool which he drives him to. I start my first DCK around 6:45, lay him down on arrival. Get in the shower before my 7:20 kids to show. He won't even answer the phone if one of them calls because "it's not his job" and he has to get ready for his own day. He comes home at least 1 or 2 times a week from work bringing only himself lunch to eat in front of everyone. Complains about how the house is a wreck, or dck "puked" (spit up) on the carpet again. Tells me I should keep him in the superyard with a rubber lined rug under it all day.

I don't actually have issues with the gates with him luckily. He is pretty trained already since we have a 1 year old ourselves.

On two separate occasions I asked him to take something away from a child that they were not supposed to have. One was a container of unused wipes of one of the DCK's which he was trying to open and eat (my former special needs client) and the other was a burp rag while I was feeding a baby with acid reflux and his response was also... "No, that's not my job. I didn't come here to work for you. What would you do if I wasn't here?"

SERIOUSLY... Why DID you COME HOME???

God forbid this same baby spits up on "the carpet we replaced 2 years ago..." because you won't stop nagging at me how we spent $3000 on carpet that "these kids" are destroying but

1. you refuse to take your shoes off at the doors, like the rule I tried to implement because the stairs are starting to show wear and tear already and
2. you can't take 2 seconds to do something nice and supportive for your wife for once in your life like walk 3 extra steps to the burp cloths as you are walking right past them! Same ol, same ol


Chivalry really is dead... It was shot on sight in this house.

JERKFACE!

LOL Sometimes I wonder how I put up with him sometimes but over all we actually do have a decent marriage. SOMEHOW we work.
Terminate?
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Blackcat31 09:05 AM 10-25-2012
I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!
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lil angels 09:14 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!

This is exactly what I was thinking I don't know how some of you put up with some of these men. I couldn't imagine. Good luck to all of you you're in my thoughts.
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countrymom 09:52 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!
travelling circus, thats so funny. Thats what dh is too. He does it with our own kids too, then I'm left to put them to bed, while he falls asleep on the couch lol!
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rhymia1 09:56 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!
I have to agree. My DH might not love the clutter and din, but I don't feel as if he's trying to sabotage me either. Yikes
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MarinaVanessa 10:01 AM 10-25-2012
I used to have this problem at first. For the parts about him making himself something to eat, talking loudly and getting the dogs to bark etc ... well that's all just lack of common courtesy but unfortunately that's not something you'll really be able to change unless he chooses to change it. Maybe you just need to inconvenience him somehow to let him know how it feels. Now I'm not telling you to do this but I can get very creative when it comes to stuff like this.

When my hubs wasn't taking my business seriously and just being plain uncooperative I devised a brilliant plan with his boss's approval and his coworkers on board. On a day that I had no DC kids I went to his work with my DD and lunch in hand and visited him. I gave my DD specific instructions to be loud and abnoxious (he works in an office setting). I ate my lunch on his desk, left my plate and trash on it, "accidentaly" dropped food on the floor/desk/chair and didn't clean up after myself, rummaged through his pocket for his wallet while he tried talking on the phone all while my DD opened every drawer, pulled out files, made paper balls out of memos and punched buttons on his phone key pad while he was on the phone with his boss. He was mortified and we were only there for an hour before he kicked us out. His boss let him in on the secret and his office all had a good laugh about it and he did become more understanding after that. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Of course his boss and co workers are good friends of ours which is why I was able to pull it off but I'm sure you can come up with something.

As far as the other stuff that could potentially be a safety hazard ... well when it comes to my business I'm a protective mother bear. You need to VERY firmly make him understand that if ANYTHING should happen to one of the DC kids because of his negligence you can lose your career, your business and your income. YOU not him. Not to mention that you can both lose your home should you be sued.

For months I have been complaining to my DH that I needed a gate to partition off the kitchen from the rest of the house to keep the kids from going in. He has fought with me tooth and nail about how inconvenient it would be to have a gate installed. Two weeks ago my 1yo DS went into the kitchen while I was cooking and behind me managed to get the dishwasher open and pull out two very large very sharp kitchen knives and tried to poke me with one. Granted it wasn't out of violence but it scared me half to death and I was livid. If that had happened during DC hours and he would have gone after a DC child something extremely terrible could have happened. The dishwasher was locked and still my DS managed to get it opened. My DH came in while I was taking the knives out of DS's hands and I knew immediately that it had finally sunk in. I gave that man the look of death.

Somehow you just need to make him understand that leaving a gate open amongst other things can potentially ruin not only your business but your family.
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brookeroo 10:04 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
Holy cow. Your husband sounds incredibly selfish. God bless you.
Yes, but I fully let him know it. He knows he is also. I tell him probably weekly that we are all just living in "his world" and it all revolves around him. He doesn't deny it. I think both of our sense of humors are what gets us through it....although I do have my doubts some days. We are both financially stable. Obviously I struggle a little more. He makes probably 2.5 times what I make if not more. I just wish he was more supportive in so many ways. I honestly don't know how to change it though. He is a great father aside.

He always tells me it will be different eventually but I have to get to a point where we can sell my first home so I wont have that hanging over our heads and I have to get my car and student debt paid off...which really will not be too long from now. I don't really understand what that has to do with him helping out with finances though. I think deep down, he won't admit it, but he saw what happened to his friend and also something happened with a family member of his and he has this irrational fear and inability to trust. I've never given him any reason not to.

This house is in his name. He has financial goals and is extremely conservative about spending for the house or anyone else...
Now himself... that's a different story. He puts into savings every paycheck but also gives himself a splurge budget and doesn't change it based on needs. He goes out to lunch every single day. Won't take one I pack. Won't come home and eat.

We have a nice house now. Bought it almost 3 years ago. We have done A LOT to it. It's been a process but it really needs new windows. They are very drafty. Some of them don't have storm windows or screens at all. One has a screen cut completely out. I just had a good company offer to put in some high quality windows for wholesale and no labor because of our curb appeal if we put a sign in the yard for 90 days. They are only offering this shot for 2 weeks or they will locate another house.

Our entire 2 story house would cost us approx $2000 with this company as opposed to the $5000+ (or $2500 if we do it ourselves) it would cost us without this deal (which we are going to HAVE to do in the near future and he doesn't want to pull the trigger right now because he's too close to hitting his savings goal that he made before he does anything to the house. It literally will cost us more money to do it ourselves than if we have this company do it for us with higher quality windows. That is the way he does everything. He will pay 3 times more later for something he can afford right now. I think it's more about control.

You would choke if I told you what his savings balance goal is... He can definitely afford it. He says that we have other things higher on the priority list which we do. We need our chimney repaired which (I) got estimates on because he asked me to. He blew up at me and said he can't afford it right now. Definitely not true but I can't argue with him because he doesn't show me his savings statements which i can find in his separate unlocked filing cabinet anytime I want. LOL

I told him the other day that he could make 10 billion dollars a year and he would still make me pay half of everything. He just smiled and chuckled...

Honestly, this is the worst part of our marriage. Not that it's not a big deal but like I said, we are both financially stable. I have a really high credit score and a small savings as well as investments. Any time we talk about money it is a thorn. More or less it's really about support. He is supporting 1 person, while I am supporting 3.5, plus a business, and a rental property (which for the most part pays for itself most of the time)... on less than half the income.

I did just have to "borrow" money from him to replace the AC/Furnace & Water Heater in August at the rental property because my tenant gave notice to move in somewhere else with his girlfriend. So I had to give the tenant back his deposit and cover the mortgage with no rent coming in at the same time. My husband told me I have to pay him back in full. Actually made me sign a contract (which also included that I have to be nice to him, clean his bathroom (I don't use the Master because he makes it gross), and cook every night) LOL. He doesn't feel like financial support is his job for some reason....even though we have two kids. I don't know why. He definitely wasn't raised like that.

I could tell him what the court would think about that but I'm not going there because that is a slippery slope to get on. All aside, we are a pretty tight family. And he is an amazing father otherwise.
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EntropyControlSpecialist 10:22 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by brookeroo:
Yes, but I fully let him know it. He knows he is also. I tell him probably weekly that we are all just living in "his world" and it all revolves around him. He doesn't deny it. I think both of our sense of humors are what gets us through it....although I do have my doubts some days. We are both financially stable. Obviously I struggle a little more. He makes probably 2.5 times what I make if not more. I just wish he was more supportive in so many ways. I honestly don't know how to change it though. He is a great father aside.

He always tells me it will be different eventually but I have to get to a point where we can sell my first home so I wont have that hanging over our heads and I have to get my car and student debt paid off...which really will not be too long from now. I don't really understand what that has to do with him helping out with finances though. I think deep down, he won't admit it, but he saw what happened to his friend and also something happened with a family member of his and he has this irrational fear and inability to trust. I've never given him any reason not to.

This house is in his name. He has financial goals and is extremely conservative about spending for the house or anyone else...
Now himself... that's a different story. He gives himself a splurge budget and doesn't change it based on needs. He goes out to lunch every single day. Won't take one I pack. Won't come home and eat.

We have a nice house now. Bought it almost 3 years ago. We have done A LOT to it. It's been a process but it really needs new windows. They are very drafty. Some of them don't have storm windows or screens at all. One has a screen cut completely out. I just had a good company offer to put in some high quality windows for wholesale and no labor because of our curb appeal if we put a sign in the yard for 90 days. They are only offering this shot for 2 weeks or they will locate another house.

Our entire 2 story house would cost us approx $2000 with this company as opposed to the $5000+ (or $2500 if we do it ourselves) it would cost us without this deal (which we are going to HAVE to do in the near future and he doesn't want to pull the trigger right now because he's too close to hitting his savings goal that he made before he does anything to the house. It literally will cost us more money to do it ourselves than if we have this company do it for us with higher quality windows. That is the way he does everything. He will pay 3 times more later for something he can afford right now. I think it's more about control.

You would choke if I told you what his savings balance goal is... He can definitely afford it. He says that we have other things higher on the priority list which we do. We need our chimney repaired which (I) got estimates on because he asked me to. He blew up at me and said he can't afford it right now. Definitely not true but I can't argue with him because he doesn't show me his savings statements which i can find in his separate unlocked filing cabinet anytime I want. LOL

I told him the other day that he could make 10 billion dollars a year and he would still make me pay half of everything. He just smiled and chuckled...

Honestly, this is the worst part of our marriage. Like I said we are both financially stable. I have a really high credit score and a small savings as well as investments. Any time we talk about money it is a thorn. More or less it's really about support. He is supporting 1 person, while I am supporting 3.5, plus a business, and a rental property (which for the most part pays for itself most of the time)... on less than half the income. I did just have to "borrow" money from him to replace the AC/Furnace & water heater in August at the rental because my tenant gave notice to move in somewhere else with his girlfriend so I had to give him back his deposit and cover the mortgage with no rent coming in at the same time. My husband told me I have to pay him back in full. Actually made me sign a contract which also included that I have to be nice to him, clean his bathroom (I don't use the Master because he makes it gross), and cook every night (lol). He doesn't feel like financial support is his job...even though we have two kids. I could tell him what the court would think about that but I'm not going there because that is a slippery slope to get on. All aside, we are a pretty tight family. And he is an amazing father otherwise.
That just made me sad to read, but it DID make me see how strong of a woman you are.
Reply
brookeroo 10:34 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
That just made me sad to read, but it DID make me see how strong of a woman you are.
Thanks
Reply
DaisyMamma 10:37 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
That just made me sad to read, but it DID make me see how strong of a woman you are.

Reply
Nellie 10:41 AM 10-25-2012
[quote=brookeroo;277750]Yes, but I fully let him know it. He knows he is also. I tell him probably weekly that we are all just living in "his world" and it all revolves around him. He doesn't deny it. I think both of our sense of humors are what gets us through it....although I do have my doubts some days. We are both financially stable. Obviously I struggle a little more. He makes probably 2.5 times what I make if not more. I just wish he was more supportive in so many ways. I honestly don't know how to change it though. He is a great father aside.

He always tells me it will be different eventually but I have to get to a point where we can sell my first home so I wont have that hanging over our heads and I have to get my car and student debt paid off...which really will not be too long from now. I don't really understand what that has to do with him helping out with finances though. I think deep down, he won't admit it, but he saw what happened to his friend and also something happened with a family member of his and he has this irrational fear and inability to trust. I've never given him any reason not to.

This house is in his name. He has financial goals and is extremely conservative about spending for the house or anyone else...
Now himself... that's a different story. He puts into savings every paycheck but also gives himself a splurge budget and doesn't change it based on needs. He goes out to lunch every single day. Won't take one I pack. Won't come home and eat.

We have a nice house now. Bought it almost 3 years ago. We have done A LOT to it. It's been a process but it really needs new windows. They are very drafty. Some of them don't have storm windows or screens at all. One has a screen cut completely out. I just had a good company offer to put in some high quality windows for wholesale and no labor because of our curb appeal if we put a sign in the yard for 90 days. They are only offering this shot for 2 weeks or they will locate another house.

Our entire 2 story house would cost us approx $2000 with this company as opposed to the $5000+ (or $2500 if we do it ourselves) it would cost us without this deal (which we are going to HAVE to do in the near future and he doesn't want to pull the trigger right now because he's too close to hitting his savings goal that he made before he does anything to the house. It literally will cost us more money to do it ourselves than if we have this company do it for us with higher quality windows. That is the way he does everything. He will pay 3 times more later for something he can afford right now. I think it's more about control.

You would choke if I told you what his savings balance goal is... He can definitely afford it. He says that we have other things higher on the priority list which we do. We need our chimney repaired which (I) got estimates on because he asked me to. He blew up at me and said he can't afford it right now. Definitely not true but I can't argue with him because he doesn't show me his savings statements which i can find in his separate unlocked filing cabinet anytime I want. LOL

I told him the other day that he could make 10 billion dollars a year and he would still make me pay half of everything. He just smiled and chuckled...

Honestly, this is the worst part of our marriage. Not that it's not a big deal but like I said, we are both financially stable. I have a really high credit score and a small savings as well as investments. Any time we talk about money it is a thorn. More or less it's really about support. He is supporting 1 person, while I am supporting 3.5, plus a business, and a rental property (which for the most part pays for itself most of the time)... on less than half the income.

I did just have to "borrow" money from him to replace the AC/Furnace & Water Heater in August at the rental property because my tenant gave notice to move in somewhere else with his girlfriend. So I had to give the tenant back his deposit and cover the mortgage with no rent coming in at the same time. My husband told me I have to pay him back in full. Actually made me sign a contract (which also included that I have to be nice to him, clean his bathroom (I don't use the Master because he makes it gross), and cook every night) LOL. He doesn't feel like financial support is his job for some reason....even though we have two kids. I don't know why. He definitely wasn't raised like that.

I could tell him what the court would think about that but I'm not going there because that is a slippery slope to get on. All aside, we are a pretty tight family. And he is an amazing father otherwise.[/QUO

At first I didn't know if the earnings were equal between you and your husband. If one of you were to leave would you be entitled to the house at all? It differs from state to state, but if he is paying on a house Only in his name and that is the ONLY BILL he pays..........I get very nervous for women that are in financial situations like this. You seem very strong and you are able to take care of yourself, but it scares me. I'd start getting firm about him supporting the kids at least. I don't know if you did daycare when your kids were younger, but did he pay you at least 1/2 of what it would cost them to go to daycare. I guess if this doesn't bother you and other aspects of your marriage are fine, who am I to say anything. I hope I'm not out of line.
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MyAngels 10:44 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by brookeroo:
I think it's more about control.
I believe you've hit the nail on the head with this statement.
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brookeroo 10:58 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by Nellie:
At first I didn't know if the earnings were equal between you and your husband. If one of you were to leave would you be entitled to the house at all? It differs from state to state, but if he is paying on a house Only in his name and that is the ONLY BILL he pays..........I get very nervous for women that are in financial situations like this. You seem very strong and you are able to take care of yourself, but it scares me. I'd start getting firm about him supporting the kids at least. I don't know if you did daycare when your kids were younger, but did he pay you at least 1/2 of what it would cost them to go to daycare. I guess if this doesn't bother you and other aspects of your marriage are fine, who am I to say anything. I hope I'm not out of line.
I definitely get that. I guess I look at it from a couple different perspectives. On one hand... my mother also did this and went through a divorce during that time. I don't know exactly how the court would see it in our case. The only reason ... (well ...excuse I should say) to not have me on the mortgage originally was because of that $8000 tax credit back a couple of years ago. I had already purchased a home through FHA and our realtor said that I couldn't be on it because we would not get the full $8k. And you know how my husband is about money!

When my mom went through her divorce, she said that legally he could not take the house because her business was in it. Now, I might be up a creek because my name is not on the mtg. I think in her case they both were on it.

BUT

I also have my rental property. It's a lot smaller. I'm fairly certain if he were to take control of my place of employment then the court would require him to pay me alimony or something to that effect. It's definitely something to research and think about but overall we are ok. I'm not really a person that gives up easily. It could be worse. We could have nothing in the bank and he spends every last dime we have with nothing to show for it. Right?
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MarinaVanessa 10:58 AM 10-25-2012
When my husband began making comments about how I needed to help with 50% of everything I began to invoice him for 50% of what I charge per week for daycare for our DS. I also told him that since he was off at 4pm and daycare closed at 6pm that he immediately had to come home for work and DS would be HIS responsibility only until 6pm because he was off of work and I was still working ... otherwise I would charge the extra 2 hours of overtime and he would pay half of that as well.

The home we live in now is also his only as he purchased it before he and I dated and one day he had made a comment about how if we were ever to get married he would have me sign a prenup. I didn't disagree as I would never take something that didn't belong to me however when it was time for new windows, a new kitchen and a new bathroom I refused to help him financially with that and even refused to help him plan and design. He was shocked but I simply explained that investing my time and money into something that would never be mine was a bad investment. That point deffinetely made it's mark because it's only logical. When arguing with a man you have to think like that man and my man removes all things emotional from every situation and thinks only on the logical. Once I made my point in this way he then understod that he either needed to think of me as a partner in everything or not expect 50/50 out of me. Then I left the choice to him.

Believe me honey, I know what you are going through. My hubs sounds like he could be cut from the same cloth as your hubs, I however have figured out a way to communicate my needs to him in a way that he understands (it only took me 7 years). We were married in August and "his" home is now "our" home (no prenup) and I did invest financially and timewise to the remodeling ... I still don't however pay for 50% of everything thanks to the fact that I do daycare and watch our son here and this evens out in the end.

So ... if your hubs expects you to pay 50/50 for everything make sure that he includes 50% for the kids that you both have together including childcare costs. Clothing, food, the whole shibang. I only have 1 child with my hubs (and DD from another relationship) you have 3 and another on the way which is great because the math is easier that way. 2 kids for each one. He wants to do 50% ... ok sure, but do 50% in everyway and every sense. Because if not ... I'm sorry honey, you're a wife supporting your kids like a single mom.

PS for the record I know there are great positive points about your hubs just as I have great positive things with mine. I'm just focusing on these couple. Beleive me, there is so much good in my hubs that it outweighs the bad.
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brookeroo 11:08 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by brookeroo:
I definitely get that. I guess I look at it from a couple different perspectives. On one hand... my mother also did this and went through a divorce during that time. I don't know exactly how the court would see it in our case. The only reason ... (well ...excuse I should say) to not have me on the mortgage originally was because of that $8000 tax credit back a couple of years ago. I had already purchased a home through FHA and our realtor said that I couldn't be on it because we would not get the full $8k. And you know how my husband is about money!

When my mom went through her divorce, she said that legally he could not take the house because her business was in it. Now, I might be up a creek because my name is not on the mtg. I think in her case they both were on it.

BUT

I also have my rental property. It's a lot smaller. I'm fairly certain if he were to take control of my place of employment then the court would require him to pay me alimony or something to that effect. It's definitely something to research and think about but overall we are ok. I'm not really a person that gives up easily. It could be worse. We could have nothing in the bank and he spends every last dime we have with nothing to show for it. Right?
Honestly, I would have to probably move anyways. I don't know that I could legally make enough money to cover the mortgage payment plus everything else and two kids if I also had to worry about my rental property on top if it. Child support could probably help me make it but it's that old property is the ever wavering variable until it is gone.

He has his moments but I love him. He has a lot of great qualities as well.
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My3cents 11:13 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!
I have the same-

I don't understand why a women would put up with so much disrespect in this day and age from a man? I don't blame the men as much as I blame the women that are putting up with it.

I personally would never be in a marriage that was always one sided.

I understand that everyone does things different but why bother being married if your going to separate everything up like that. What happened to what is his, is mine and what is mine is mine too. For us we both bring our money to the table and we go from there. We go out to eat, we go out to eat with the money we both have earned. When one of us is down, the other picks up the slack, we have each others back. We work better together then apart. I don't tip toe around my hubby and he doesn't around me either. We try to make each other happy with our efforts and dreams.

It saddens me when my girlfriends go through this with husbands. On here or in the virtual world. Not scolding, just sad-
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cheerfuldom 11:24 AM 10-25-2012
interesting thread. I do agree with the general thought that this is about respect, not the details. and I have no magical words of wisdom. my DH was horrendous until I literally made him pack a bag and told him to get out...I couldnt take it anymore. That was two years ago and he has grown up SOOOO much. He needed a reality check and nothing short of that worked. now he has his little issues, so do I, but nothing in comparison to what you all are describing.
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My3cents 11:29 AM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
That just made me sad to read, but it DID make me see how strong of a woman you are.
me too-

but you are even stronger and can tell him hey look this is not working well for me- we are married- things need to change a bit here

you can clean my bathroom if I let you borrow money- Who does that? He doesn't think much of you to treat you that way it seems. It makes me sad. I wouldn't put up with this, but the smart a$$ is me would start attaching fees to everything and anything I did at all in the house- I pushed your kids out, $$$$$$$ I washed your clothing $$$$$$ I made your dinner $$$$$$
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brookeroo 12:00 PM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by My3cents:
you can clean my bathroom if I let you borrow money- Who does that?
He fully does expect to get his money back however parts of that contract were just to poke fun at the situation. Where I said that we both have a sense of humor, that is part of it. He does inject humor which does help us get through a lot of our arguments. He has a way of using that to turn the mood where as I can hold a grudge for pretty much forever. The fact that he does this honestly has helped the marriage survive. I know that he doesn't expect me to fully follow through with each of these things. He knows I will not cook every single night. I also don't think either one of us believes that the contract would hold up in court either!

Like I said somehow we work. It's not very often that I stay mad at him for a long time. He is no Casanova by any means. He doesn't spoil us. He is very self centered in a lot of ways but he has a lot of great qualities too. I knew that when I married him. I signed up for this deal and we just have to learn to work through it.

Too many people give up on marriages. Too many people think divorce is the answer to everything. We could have nothing. He could have a drinking problem. He could be out trying to round up hussies every night but he's home. He's spending some great time with the kids and me as well. He has a good head on his shoulders. We are financially stable. I don't have to worry about anything that I don't think we can work through over time. We don't argue every day or even every week. It's just going to take time and maybe a sledge hammer....

We just have to work through it.
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mrsp'slilpeeps 01:44 PM 10-25-2012
Im sorry and I dont mean any insults to anyone, but If my husband treated me more like a roomate than a wife he would be strung up to the rafters and trying to dig my foot out of his @ss for the next 13 years.

I understand everyone is different, to each their own, I guess.

But he is my husband, bestfriend and partner, NOT my father, or boss.

We have 2 joint accounts, we share everything.

But just the other day he complained about the way I made his lunch. Well after 13 yrs, if you dont like it, make it yourself.

I didnt mind making them before, but dont criticze what I do for you.

He has been making them for a week!

All im saying is that we need to be more respectful of our spouces, and when the respect has left the room maybe they should too.
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Heidi 02:11 PM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
This makes me laugh because my husband, a large, bald black man, is my assistant. He is around the children the ENTIRE day and is in charge of drop offs in the morning. I have never had an issue with him being here.

I'm sorry that your husband isn't understanding, OP. I can only imagine how terrible that would feel.
My husband is a large, almost bald, HAIRY white guy.

The dck's and parents love him....
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MarinaVanessa 02:37 PM 10-25-2012
Originally Posted by mrsp'slilpeeps:
But just the other day he complained about the way I made his lunch. Well after 13 yrs, if you dont like it, make it yourself.

I didnt mind making them before, but dont criticze what I do for you.

He has been making them for a week!
Funny you should say that ... last week my DH complained that dinner "tasted funny". I made dinner as I always do and nothing had changed in the recipe other than he was home later than usual and I had to re-heat dinner so the chicken may have been a little dryer and tougher than when it was fresh (I ate it fresh and it seemed fine to me). Well guess what?!?! If you don't like the way it tastes ... make dinner yourself. Last week he ate spaghetti O's, spaghetti and sandwhiches that he prepared himself while the kids and I ate fabulous home-cooked meals.

I don't mind doing anything for anyone until I'm taken for granted or criticised. f you don;t like the way I do something for you, you can do it yourself . He did sort of apologize in a "Are you still mad at me ... am I still making my own dinner?" sort of way.
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dave4him 02:44 PM 10-25-2012
Its always a good thing to have mutual respect.
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My3cents 11:27 AM 10-26-2012
Originally Posted by brookeroo:
He fully does expect to get his money back however parts of that contract were just to poke fun at the situation. Where I said that we both have a sense of humor, that is part of it. He does inject humor which does help us get through a lot of our arguments. He has a way of using that to turn the mood where as I can hold a grudge for pretty much forever. The fact that he does this honestly has helped the marriage survive. I know that he doesn't expect me to fully follow through with each of these things. He knows I will not cook every single night. I also don't think either one of us believes that the contract would hold up in court either!

Like I said somehow we work. It's not very often that I stay mad at him for a long time. He is no Casanova by any means. He doesn't spoil us. He is very self centered in a lot of ways but he has a lot of great qualities too. I knew that when I married him. I signed up for this deal and we just have to learn to work through it.

Too many people give up on marriages. Too many people think divorce is the answer to everything. We could have nothing. He could have a drinking problem. He could be out trying to round up hussies every night but he's home. He's spending some great time with the kids and me as well. He has a good head on his shoulders. We are financially stable. I don't have to worry about anything that I don't think we can work through over time. We don't argue every day or even every week. It's just going to take time and maybe a sledge hammer....

We just have to work through it.
I didn't see humor when I read this or that it was in "kidding" or fun.

If it works for you, Great! Make sure your happy- little saying I love. If Mom's not happy- no one is going to be happy~

Marriage is give and take. I agree too many people give up. I also agree with too many people stay in a cruddy marriage for the wrong reasons.
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My3cents 11:29 AM 10-26-2012
Originally Posted by mrsp'slilpeeps:
Im sorry and I dont mean any insults to anyone, but If my husband treated me more like a roomate than a wife he would be strung up to the rafters and trying to dig my foot out of his @ss for the next 13 years.

I understand everyone is different, to each their own, I guess.

But he is my husband, bestfriend and partner, NOT my father, or boss.

We have 2 joint accounts, we share everything.

But just the other day he complained about the way I made his lunch. Well after 13 yrs, if you dont like it, make it yourself.

I didnt mind making them before, but dont criticze what I do for you.

He has been making them for a week!

All im saying is that we need to be more respectful of our spouces, and when the respect has left the room maybe they should too.


I agree with you. I wouldn't want that in a marriage either. For some I guess it works. It wouldn't for me.
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