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Parents and Guardians Forum>"Daycare Lady" Wasn't Home When I Picked My Baby Up
Unregistered 01:04 PM 11-09-2011
Hello... I'm not a registered user here but I do have a problem and was hoping someone can give me some insight into my situation.

I picked my one year old baby girl up from daycare today and my "daycare lady" wasn't home. Her husband was there with the children, and said that "she's out running errands, instead of me all the time. Let her get out of the house." ??? !!! I was not under the impression that he took care of the children too. I'm not comfortable with this. I'm sure my face looked crazy but it took a minute for it all to sink in. When I got in the door to my house I just started bawling because I have a history that makes it extra-uncomfortable for me. And I'm a single mom who is in school full time and I'm far away from home, in a new place, doing all I can to do the best I can for my daughter. I'm not accusing him of anything but I am saying that it goes against my plans as a parent, to have her left in the care of a man whom I barely know, alone. I know sometimes he is there while her PRIMARY DAYCARE PROVIDER is there, but never alone. I'm not happy about this at all and I'm not sure the best way to handle it without sounding like I'm calling him a pedophile.

I just don't want any man changing her diaper. I don't want something like this to happen without my knowledge. I don't want to NOT have a choice. I felt violated.

I feel like I should call her tonight, not talk about it tomorrow when I drop my baby off. Anyone have any comments? I would really appreciate it.

Jen
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daycare 01:11 PM 11-09-2011
first off take a depth breath and calm down...

YOu do have every right to be upset. The DCP should have told you that:

1. she would be leaving the DC site
2. She would be using her husband as her backup care should she need to leave.

One thing you have to get out of your head is that Male providers are bad. This is not just a man, this is a father. I do understand you don't know him, but this does not mean he is not able to care for children because of his gender.

I would wait to calm down for a bit. Give yourself some blow off time. I would call her when I am not so upset and explain to her your concerns.

Just so you know, I use my husband as my back up, but the parents know this from dayone. I also have to leave the house sometimes to run errands, go to the doctors, go to the bank, or just get out because I have been behind 4 walls for almost 60 hours a week. I do go only for a short period of time, maybe 30 minutes and I do it during nap time.

I think your provider needs to be clear about who your child will be left with and make sure they have all of the same requirements as she does. First aid, CPR and so on.
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wdmmom 01:16 PM 11-09-2011
Originally Posted by daycare:
first off take a depth breath and calm down...

YOu do have every right to be upset. The DCP should have told you that:

1. she would be leaving the DC site
2. She would be using her husband as her backup care should she need to leave.

One thing you have to get out of your head is that Male providers are bad. This is not just a man, this is a father. I do understand you don't know him, but this does not mean he is not able to care for children because of his gender.

I would wait to calm down for a bit. Give yourself some blow off time. I would call her when I am not so upset and explain to her your concerns.

Just so you know, I use my husband as my back up, but the parents know this from dayone. I also have to leave the house sometimes to run errands, go to the doctors, go to the bank, or just get out because I have been behind 4 walls for almost 60 hours a week. I do go only for a short period of time, maybe 30 minutes and I do it during nap time.

I think your provider needs to be clear about who your child will be left with and make sure they have all of the same requirements as she does. First aid, CPR and so on.
Very good advise!

Express your concerns to your provider and ask to be made aware ahead of time if she isn't going to be available so you can make alternate plans for your daughter.

If she can't accommodate your request, maybe she isn't the appropriate provider for your family.
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Blackcat31 01:19 PM 11-09-2011
If you have any issues at all about the care of your child, then I definitley recommend that you contact your provider and discuss this with her immediately. Many providers use a back up or substitute provider for times they need to leave the child care and although I am not going to get into whether a man is an appropriate substitute or not because my feelings on this subject have no relavance to how you are feeling.

If you were not told the husband was going to fill in now and then, I would address this with your provider. If it was written in your policy handbook and you signed it, then it was well within her rights to leave him there alone.

Ultimatley, you may just have to find different care for your daughter unless your provider is willing to work this out with you. My advice is to not come off as attacking her for her decision, since she obviously felt the children were in good hands, but to address YOUR personal concerns with her and let her know you are uncomfortable with men in general.... making note that it has nothing to do with her husband.

In all honesty, she will probably not take it well...but then again, who knows.

You cannot predict how others will react so unless this is something you two already discussed, you may need to take the time to sit down and let her know how you feel but also be prepared to find new care.

Good luck. Be honest and open and let the cards fall as they may. You have a right to your opinions just as she does.
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sharlan 01:39 PM 11-09-2011
I agree with the others. Take a deep breath and calm down before you talk to your provider.

My husband has always been my back-up, my daughters, too. I've always let the parents know up front. My husband likes to to the drop off and pick up at the schools. He'll also stay with the kids so that I can run a quick errand.

CALMLY talk to your provider and let her know that you are uncomfortable with a man being alone with your daughter. If there is no way for her to accomodate that request, then you need to find another provider.

I understand where you are coming from. I requested one of my daugters' provider to never let my daughters be alone with her dh. I didn't tell her why, just said I was uncomfortable with him watching them.

I understand the provider's viewpoint also. Sometimes we just need to get out of the house and away from the kids for a few minutes for our own sanity.
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mismatchedsocks 02:19 PM 11-09-2011
Who is listed as a back up provider or sub? When you interviewed or went over paperwork did she say anything about his helping out?

My boyfriend is my assistant and is left here alone with the kids, changes their diapers, etc. BUT i am up front with this. One interview of all of them have said they dont want their daughter changed by him, and I decided right there that they were not a right fit for the daycare. Even when they called back to ask if their daughter can start.

So I would call later to discuss with the provider. Ask her who her back up is? how long she has been leaving the kids alone with him? and if its written in handbook? If not might have to give notice and place elsewhere, as I cant see her changing her ways for one family. KWIM?
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Unregistered 03:43 PM 11-09-2011
Thank you all for your responses!

I am much calmer now than I was at first; I am glad I didn't try to call her earlier. It was so upsetting because, in fact, I was not ever told that her husband was a back-up care provider. I'm trying to find my paperwork now to see if I overlooked anything, but I don't ever remember that being a possibility.

I'm in therapy and hopefully I can learn to trust and accept that not every man in this world is out to hurt people. But I also know that uncles, pastors, and others DO hurt kids... I know it from my own experiences and those experiences of some of my friends. I have a friend who had her beautiful daughter molested repeatedly in her own grandparents home while being babysat, and my friend thought she was safe- the safEST- there. The only option at this point in my life is to not leave my daughter alone with any men. I feel sort of dumb saying that to this woman but it IS how I feel. It's the only way I know how to protect her at this point.

If I can avoid finding a new daycare, I would like that. I mean, certainly it's not good for my daughter to be switching places when she is comfortable and happy. Yet I don't know quite what to do. I don't want to make this guy feel like I think he's a pervert- should I talk to him as well? I'm debating whether to call tonight or talk to her in person in the morning. I think the worst part of it all is that I expected her to be there with my baby the whole time, and when I arrived and she was nowhere to be found, it caught me off guard. Add to that that her husband was there by himself and I just felt like... ... like I didn't have a choice.
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familyschoolcare 03:46 PM 11-09-2011
Dear Op

You need to ask your self which part bothers you the most the fact that it was a man or the fact that you barely know him?

If it was that he is a man then a fmaily day care may not be the best fit for you, unless it is one that is run by a sigle woman. Afterall who in thier right mind woud pay for a back up person when hubby can do it. Espicialy if Hubby has to be fingerprinted anyway.

If it is that you barely know him then talk to the day care lady and arrange to get to know him better. Sounds like you daughter knows him as you said he is sometimes at the house while the daycare lady is present. Which makes sense because it is his house.
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sharlan 03:48 PM 11-09-2011
Mothers, sisters, aunts, etc abuse and assault children. It's not just men.

If you calmly explain to your provider where you are coming from, she will probably be willing to work with you.
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daycare 03:57 PM 11-09-2011
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Thank you all for your responses!

I am much calmer now than I was at first; I am glad I didn't try to call her earlier. It was so upsetting because, in fact, I was not ever told that her husband was a back-up care provider. I'm trying to find my paperwork now to see if I overlooked anything, but I don't ever remember that being a possibility.

I'm in therapy and hopefully I can learn to trust and accept that not every man in this world is out to hurt people. But I also know that uncles, pastors, and others DO hurt kids... I know it from my own experiences and those experiences of some of my friends. I have a friend who had her beautiful daughter molested repeatedly in her own grandparents home while being babysat, and my friend thought she was safe- the safEST- there. The only option at this point in my life is to not leave my daughter alone with any men. I feel sort of dumb saying that to this woman but it IS how I feel. It's the only way I know how to protect her at this point.

If I can avoid finding a new daycare, I would like that. I mean, certainly it's not good for my daughter to be switching places when she is comfortable and happy. Yet I don't know quite what to do. I don't want to make this guy feel like I think he's a pervert- should I talk to him as well? I'm debating whether to call tonight or talk to her in person in the morning. I think the worst part of it all is that I expected her to be there with my baby the whole time, and when I arrived and she was nowhere to be found, it caught me off guard. Add to that that her husband was there by himself and I just felt like... ... like I didn't have a choice.
I can relate to you on soooo many levels...

A few things...One kudos to you for getting help. You will need someone to help you through your issues and fear with men.

BUT, you will eventually need to learn that you cannot hold every other man in this world accountable for what one man did to you. I know it's not easy, but you are closing so many doors in your life of good people and opportunities when you do this.

Not only that, you are teaching your daughter to also fear. I know you are not doing it intentionally, but when you do she will too.

I hope that you and your family childcare provider are able to work things out. Maybe you can get to know this man if he is willing....

Hugs to you... Like I said, I know what you are going through and It has been a very long road for me...... BUT you can do it...stay strong and stay positive....
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Sugar Magnolia 05:12 PM 11-09-2011
I agree with everyone that you definitely should have been notified in advance. I'm so sorry you were surprised with that. I feel for you. I run a child care center with my husband. He is a wonderful, kind, patient man who loves children. Of course, all my families met him during their tour/interview and it is crystal clear he is a lead teacher. Yes, he does not change little girls diapers unless its necessary. And I don't change the boys. Works out fine. And parents know this. Please don't ever assume that a man involved in child care has nothing but the best of intentions. We have several single moms, and those that have little boys absolutely CHERISH the fact their sons have positive male role models in their lives. Those with girls feel the same. I would be heartbroken if I thought any parent had anything less than 100% confidence and trust in my husband. But again, they all meet him during their interviews, so full disclosure is important. I hope you give this man a chance, get to know him better and have an open and honest discussion with both him and her. For what its worth, I think if your provider is licensed, he probably had a background check conducted on him by your state anyways. Peace to you, OP.
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nannyde 05:47 PM 11-09-2011
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Hello... I'm not a registered user here but I do have a problem and was hoping someone can give me some insight into my situation.

I picked my one year old baby girl up from daycare today and my "daycare lady" wasn't home. Her husband was there with the children, and said that "she's out running errands, instead of me all the time. Let her get out of the house." ??? !!! I was not under the impression that he took care of the children too. I'm not comfortable with this. I'm sure my face looked crazy but it took a minute for it all to sink in. When I got in the door to my house I just started bawling because I have a history that makes it extra-uncomfortable for me. And I'm a single mom who is in school full time and I'm far away from home, in a new place, doing all I can to do the best I can for my daughter. I'm not accusing him of anything but I am saying that it goes against my plans as a parent, to have her left in the care of a man whom I barely know, alone. I know sometimes he is there while her PRIMARY DAYCARE PROVIDER is there, but never alone. I'm not happy about this at all and I'm not sure the best way to handle it without sounding like I'm calling him a pedophile.

I just don't want any man changing her diaper. I don't want something like this to happen without my knowledge. I don't want to NOT have a choice. I felt violated.

I feel like I should call her tonight, not talk about it tomorrow when I drop my baby off. Anyone have any comments? I would really appreciate it.

Jen
I would be livid if I were you.

I would NEVER leave my daycare kids with someone the parents didn't know. I wouldn't leave my kids to run errands.

VERY irresponsible and not cool.

Whenever I HAVE to go to a medical appointment that can't be done on the weekends I set up TWO people to be here. One is my staff assistant and then another APPROVED experienced adult. I only leave during nap and I'm gone for as few minutes as possible. I go years in between having to leave my kids.

Makes me wonder how often this has happened.
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Blackcat31 07:20 PM 11-09-2011
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Thank you all for your responses!

I am much calmer now than I was at first; I am glad I didn't try to call her earlier. It was so upsetting because, in fact, I was not ever told that her husband was a back-up care provider. I'm trying to find my paperwork now to see if I overlooked anything, but I don't ever remember that being a possibility.

I'm in therapy and hopefully I can learn to trust and accept that not every man in this world is out to hurt people. But I also know that uncles, pastors, and others DO hurt kids... I know it from my own experiences and those experiences of some of my friends. I have a friend who had her beautiful daughter molested repeatedly in her own grandparents home while being babysat, and my friend thought she was safe- the safEST- there. The only option at this point in my life is to not leave my daughter alone with any men. I feel sort of dumb saying that to this woman but it IS how I feel. It's the only way I know how to protect her at this point.

If I can avoid finding a new daycare, I would like that. I mean, certainly it's not good for my daughter to be switching places when she is comfortable and happy. Yet I don't know quite what to do. I don't want to make this guy feel like I think he's a pervert- should I talk to him as well? I'm debating whether to call tonight or talk to her in person in the morning. I think the worst part of it all is that I expected her to be there with my baby the whole time, and when I arrived and she was nowhere to be found, it caught me off guard. Add to that that her husband was there by himself and I just felt like... ... like I didn't have a choice.
If I were your provider, I would want you to tell me what you just said. Tell me how you feel and why. Explain that this is an issue you are taking steps to work through and want to do your best to do right by your daughter.

Build a relationship with your provider by simply being honest. Most providers are mothers too and fully understand our innate need to protect our children...whether it is a real threat or simply a perceived one.

I would appreciate the honesty as a provider and would also more than likey understand and be more willing to work with you.
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Cat Herder 04:43 AM 11-10-2011
I feel OP should have been notified at drop-off that the provider was leaving the property for a short time that day.

OP should have been aware whom her provider was using as back-up before enrolling.

It should have NEVER come as a surprise.

Male or Female, makes no difference to me.
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countrymom 06:18 AM 11-10-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I would be livid if I were you.

I would NEVER leave my daycare kids with someone the parents didn't know. I wouldn't leave my kids to run errands.

VERY irresponsible and not cool.

Whenever I HAVE to go to a medical appointment that can't be done on the weekends I set up TWO people to be here. One is my staff assistant and then another APPROVED experienced adult. I only leave during nap and I'm gone for as few minutes as possible. I go years in between having to leave my kids.

Makes me wonder how often this has happened.

I agree. I would be livid. I don't understand why she needed to leave the house doesn't she get out when daycare is done. Now if it was a drs' appointment and she told you, that would be different, but what was so important that she had to leave.
There are times that I have to leave 15 mins before the last daycare kid leaves and either my odd is home or dh, all the parents know this, they know my dh and my odd (who watches some of the kids on weekends) but I usually know in advance, so some parents come early, but others are fine with it. But when dh is here, so are my other 4 kids so he's never alone.
I totally understand that a man was left alone with the kids, my mind starts racing, I think its just a natural reaction.
So all i can say, is ask her about it
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greenhouse 06:50 AM 11-10-2011
Originally Posted by countrymom:
I agree. I would be livid. I don't understand why she needed to leave the house doesn't she get out when daycare is done. Now if it was a drs' appointment and she told you, that would be different, but what was so important that she had to leave.
There are times that I have to leave 15 mins before the last daycare kid leaves and either my odd is home or dh, all the parents know this, they know my dh and my odd (who watches some of the kids on weekends) but I usually know in advance, so some parents come early, but others are fine with it. But when dh is here, so are my other 4 kids so he's never alone.
I totally understand that a man was left alone with the kids, my mind starts racing, I think its just a natural reaction.
So all i can say, is ask her about it
I agree. Major trust broken. Who knows what else she's untruthful about. Find a new provider IMHO. My DH is amazing and I know he's not a child molester, but I still make a promise to parents to never leave him alone with DCK's becuase that is what I would expect for my own child if in a home day care.
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cheerfuldom 07:11 AM 11-10-2011
I have left my daycare kids with my husband but each time it was during nap time or for a very short period at the end of the day. Less than a half dozen times total and each time I called each parent to make sure they were okay with this BEFORE I left (these were emergencies or if I had an appt at the end of the day and a parent was running late for pickup). I always plan things so my DH does not have to change diapers, clothing or do anything other than supervision and I tell the parents that too.
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Meeko 08:07 AM 11-10-2011
Originally Posted by daycare:
I can relate to you on soooo many levels...

A few things...One kudos to you for getting help. You will need someone to help you through your issues and fear with men.

BUT, you will eventually need to learn that you cannot hold every other man in this world accountable for what one man did to you. I know it's not easy, but you are closing so many doors in your life of good people and opportunities when you do this.

Not only that, you are teaching your daughter to also fear. I know you are not doing it intentionally, but when you do she will too.

I hope that you and your family childcare provider are able to work things out. Maybe you can get to know this man if he is willing....

Hugs to you... Like I said, I know what you are going through and It has been a very long road for me...... BUT you can do it...stay strong and stay positive....
I agree with this so much. You went through a terrible thing and your trust in men is not good. That is completely understandable. But for the sake of your daughter, please try your very best to show her that not all men are monsters. If not, she will grow up suspicious and scared. This opens her up to never having a healthy relationship with a man and thus robbing her of the opportunity of a happy marriage.

She probably feels relaxed and happy to be around your provider's husband as he lives in the home and she no doubt sees him a lot and interacts with him regularly (had you thought about that?) I am sure you do not want to frighten her or have her feel that she should be scared of him now. Before long she will be in school and dealing with male teachers and other men.

Being around men is inevitable. Whether or not your daughter deals with that in a healthy fashion is going to depend a lot on how she sees you act.
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youretooloud 10:00 AM 11-10-2011
Originally Posted by daycare:
BUT, you will eventually need to learn that you cannot hold every other man in this world accountable for what one man did to you. I know it's not easy, but you are closing so many doors in your life of good people and opportunities when you do this.

Not only that, you are teaching your daughter to also fear. I know you are not doing it intentionally, but when you do she will too.

.
I agree with this. In a way, you are overreacting for the wrong reasons.

HOWEVER.... My parents KNOW my husband, and I would NEVER leave them alone with him. If I had some sort of emergency, I would call all the parents first, and ASK them. I have two parents who only want me watching their kids, so I just simply wouldn't leave them ever.

I also don't trust my husband to watch them properly. He's a wonderful husband, but I can almost promise that he'd go out to the garage or the backyard and never think there was anything wrong with that.

I will not even be leaving him alone with our grandkids if we ever have them.

You should absolutely speak to her about this. But, please don't approach it with the "I think men should never be alone with my daughter" because that is highly offensive, and unfair. Just play the "I don't want my baby to be with anybody but you" card.

Hopefully Dad could tell by the look on your face that this was not OK. It would not be OK with me either.

BTW, I have no problem leaving the kids with my daughter, but never with my husband.....or my own mom. (she's a ditz) I know who I can trust, and who I can't.
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Country Kids 10:16 AM 11-10-2011
Also, please know that if you only want the provider watching your child you may need to find other care. She may have appt. and such where she needs someone or her husband to watch the child. Believe me, being in your home 50+ hours a week sometimes get to a person and they will need a break during the day.
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daycare 10:22 AM 11-10-2011
Originally Posted by youretooloud:
I agree with this. In a way, you are overreacting for the wrong reasons.

HOWEVER.... My parents KNOW my husband, and I would NEVER leave them alone with him. If I had some sort of emergency, I would call all the parents first, and ASK them. I have two parents who only want me watching their kids, so I just simply wouldn't leave them ever.

I also don't trust my husband to watch them properly. He's a wonderful husband, but I can almost promise that he'd go out to the garage or the backyard and never think there was anything wrong with that.

I will not even be leaving him alone with our grandkids if we ever have them.

You should absolutely speak to her about this. But, please don't approach it with the "I think men should never be alone with my daughter" because that is highly offensive, and unfair. Just play the "I don't want my baby to be with anybody but you" card.

Hopefully Dad could tell by the look on your face that this was not OK. It would not be OK with me either.

BTW, I have no problem leaving the kids with my daughter, but never with my husband.....or my own mom. (she's a ditz) I know who I can trust, and who I can't.
hopefully this DCP really did trust the kids in her husbands hands. I can see where the OP has every right to flip out over that... Does not show that the DCP is being responsible and seems a little sneaky in a way.


Hopefully it was just an oversight on the DCProviders part, which was a big NO NO...
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renodeb 10:51 AM 11-10-2011
As a dc provider I think its strange to leave the house to do errands, esp if your the primary provider. My husband is my back up but I only use him if have a doctors appt. (in which case I let the parents knoow ahead of time) he is all fingerprinted and stuff (required in my state) and the parents all know him. I try and save errands for evenings or weekends if at all possible. She needs to let her dc parents know ahead of time. I would call her and talk to her about your concerns. Alot of providers do use a sub or asst. Maybe shes not the right person for you? I had a provider friend that left her house all the time and left her mom in charge (who was not printed or anything) b/c she couldnt stand being tied to home. I dont have any real reason to just leave but if I did I would notify my clients before hand. She should of handled that a little better.
Debbie
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daycare 11:18 AM 11-10-2011
Originally Posted by renodeb:
As a dc provider I think its strange to leave the house to do errands, esp if your the primary provider. My husband is my back up but I only use him if have a doctors appt. (in which case I let the parents knoow ahead of time) he is all fingerprinted and stuff (required in my state) and the parents all know him. I try and save errands for evenings or weekends if at all possible. She needs to let her dc parents know ahead of time. I would call her and talk to her about your concerns. Alot of providers do use a sub or asst. Maybe shes not the right person for you? I had a provider friend that left her house all the time and left her mom in charge (who was not printed or anything) b/c she couldnt stand being tied to home. I dont have any real reason to just leave but if I did I would notify my clients before hand. She should of handled that a little better.
Debbie
I was working over 60 hours a week until 7:30 nightly. there are a ton of things that I would to do that I cant when the kids would leave. Bank is closed, post office, doctors, and sometimes I need my sanity. Even if its just a short walk around the block so that I can clear my head or let out stress from a crazy day... I also have 3 kids of my own and my husband works weekends, so I don't get any breaks unless I leave for about 20 min during daycare when my husband is home

I think that this is healthy for me and the kids and I see nothing wrong with it. It's not like I am leaving all day or even for hours...

BUT the DCP in this situation should have been informative of her plans prior to doing them.....
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Unregistered 04:35 PM 11-23-2011
I would flip as well if there was someone else there taking care of my kid. Make sure you follow the advice all the ladies have already given you, no point rehashing it all. Just keep the lines of communication going and express the importance of you as the parent wanting to be informed at all times who will be watching your kid. Male or female if you dont know them its hard to know them.
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Christian Mother 08:05 PM 11-23-2011
DCP should of mentioned to mom at drop of that morning she needed to leave her daughter with her husband while she ran her errands. It is a HUGE no no to just drop your responsibilities and hope the parent will understand. First and foremost...this provider should of ask permission to do what she did. She made the decision for her and I can understand why this parent is upset.
OP - When talking to your provider express how uncomfortable you where with finding your daughter not in her care but her husbands when you pay her to care for her. Let her know that you read through her parent hand book and did not see anything in there referring to her husband as a back up provider. You need to explain to her your history and why this upsets you greatly and how you are trying to work through it but that you need your provider to be on board to and understand that you need her to communicate with you when she needs to leave. You need the option to be able to say No, I am not ok with that arrangement. Understand though that explaining your reservations may not be meet the way you might hope it will. In Home daycares...the husband is not always up to negotiations. Specially if it is written in the contract. Husbands come with the territory. There perminate fixtures so to speak.
When I interview my families...it's with the whole family. It is understood that my husband will be my back up for me in case I am ill or need to leave for an emergency or doctors apt. Those are the only cases. I take my job extremely seriously. No one cares for these kids but me. My parents are made aware in advanced if I am sick and my husband will be caring for them...they have the choice to either not bring the children that day or use my husband. Days I have a doctors apt..I either take the kids with me or my husband will watch them which is planned around nap time. All my parents know and love my husband...they see him ashually play and talk not to mention interact. I think it's important for my parents to see my husband around the kids as it builds trust. Little by little you need to start building your trust for men again. Your daughter needs to also see you win this fight in your life. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have reservations...your a wonderful mother to care for your daughter the way you do and wish only the best for her. There is nothing wrong with feeling scared for her. But make sure you do everything you can to install trust in your self and others. God Bless you and your daughter...please let us know what happens!!
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Meyou 04:50 AM 11-24-2011
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
I have left my daycare kids with my husband but each time it was during nap time or for a very short period at the end of the day. Less than a half dozen times total and each time I called each parent to make sure they were okay with this BEFORE I left (these were emergencies or if I had an appt at the end of the day and a parent was running late for pickup). I always plan things so my DH does not have to change diapers, clothing or do anything other than supervision and I tell the parents that too.
I do the same thing. My parents never mind but I'm sure they would feel differently if I didn't inform them first.

I had two children that had to stay late this week in fact and I had to get my dd at dance. So I made dinner and got the kids at the table eating and then left them with dh. By the time they ate and cleaned up I was back so he really only had to sit with them and make sure they didn't choke.
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dave4him 02:10 PM 11-26-2011
In my case i dont think the parents would care if it were my spouse but its on my contract she is a sub
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momofboys 06:02 PM 11-26-2011
Originally Posted by countrymom:
I agree. I would be livid. I don't understand why she needed to leave the house doesn't she get out when daycare is done. Now if it was a drs' appointment and she told you, that would be different, but what was so important that she had to leave.
There are times that I have to leave 15 mins before the last daycare kid leaves and either my odd is home or dh, all the parents know this, they know my dh and my odd (who watches some of the kids on weekends) but I usually know in advance, so some parents come early, but others are fine with it. But when dh is here, so are my other 4 kids so he's never alone.
I totally understand that a man was left alone with the kids, my mind starts racing, I think its just a natural reaction.
So all i can say, is ask her about it
There are a lot of places that are not open after daycare hours - my dr's office closes at 5:00, our local post office closes at 4:00 pm (small town), my eye dr's office closes at 4:30. When I was doing DC in my home @ 50 hrs a week by myself it is important to get out a little - it would be downright impossible to get a dr's/eye appt without having backup. While I did not have a paid person to help me (only had 2 families in my care at a time & not everyone has enough of a client base to afford to pay a back-up & in those instances my husband was my back-up - of course my parents knew my husband would step in if needed). As someone else said just because some men are abusers doesn't mean everyone is. I hope you have resolved this with your provider. Certainly she should have told you though. I also think it is unrealistic for some of you to expect a provider with no assistant to work 50 + hours a week & do it all themselves. Certainly 1/2 hr 1-2x a week should not be a big deal.
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Unregistered 07:37 AM 11-27-2011
My husband has done back up care for me twice in 7 yrs, both for dr appts recently that could not be avoided. Parents were informed before hand and noone batted an eye as my families have all been here a minimum of 3 yrs with the exception of one who is quite comfortable with our family after 6 mos or so (our daughter babysits for Mom every other Fri) I would NEVER leave him as back up without asking/telling. They had the choice to pick up if they did not like the idea. You should most definately have been informed in my opinion, and I would not leave a back up person just for "errands". All my parents are friendly with my husband too, he is home from work before daycare closes and is usually hanging out with us in daycare or outside when they pick up. They know he is an awesome Dad to 6 and loves kids. I am sorry you were unaware of this before walking in on it and I am so sorry it make you uncomfortable. I hope you spoke with your provider and you feel better about the situation and she is compassionate about it!
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jojosmommy 07:42 PM 12-05-2011
I have it in my contract that my husband is my sub provider (for dr appts or emergencies only) and if my families are not comfortable with that option they need to have their children attend other care the day I have an appt. nobody has ever mentioned it being an issue but I have always notified them a week prior that my hubs would be here watching the children while I was at an appt. I also schedule them (if possible) during nap so the kids dont even know most the time even though they love my husband.

I would talk to the provider about it but in a calm manner.
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Unregistered 07:48 PM 01-21-2012
I know this is older, but might be helpful anyway.

I had two backups, one a neighbor (for emergency only) and two my dh.

If I had a TRUE emergency (aka. need 911) I am not going to call the parent and go looking for them to tell them I am leaving the kids with the neighbors. Sorry, but if there is something that is that serious, I am just getting my/my kids'/my husband's behind to the hospital. My neighbor surely can tell the parent what happened. If I can talk and tell the ambulance or write down a #, they might be willing to call for me, but certainly my health or the health of my immediate family will come BEFORE my wanting to make things convenient for the daycare parents. That's just life.

If I have a Pap smear or something, I am not taking your kid with me. Sorry, but that's just not appropriate. This is one of the reasons I put my DH in the contract as a backup provider. He's on the license too, and had to do all the same stuff I did before getting my license so is more than qualified, even if he didn't ever really want to do child care, he is CAPABLE. I told the parents this in the interview and if they didn't like that my husband lived here or would be interacting with the kids, they didn't use me. I understand that there may be legitimate reasons to be nervous about someones husband, but seriously, if you are a married woman, then you have a MALE husband too (presumably). Don't you trust him? If not, why have kids with him? My husband felt pretty discriminated against many times when people would be like "you're married? Will your husband be home when my kids are there?" Um, if my husband's off he's allowed to be home...he lives here!

I'm sorry for sure for anyone who has been molested, but females can do that to boys and even their kids can do those things to other kids. It's just not "as" talked about as men doing it.

I am only saying that to say this: My husband was a great backup for me when I did child care. He didn't do anything to harm those kids. I left them with him only during nap (he's not big on babysitting like I was) and only when absolutely necessary. Parents who didn't agree with that came and got their kids before my appointment at their own expense. I provided a FREE backup for their child but never ever forced a parent to use him.

My husband was great as a backup. He sat with the kids while they slept and played video games. If someone woke up, he acknowledged them and got them back to sleep or read a story to them. If they pooped, he'd (albeit reluctantly) changed them promptly. Once myself and one of my dc parents came home at the same time. She got off early and I got done from my dr visit much earlier than we both expected. We walked in the door and my poor little husband (bless his heart) was talking in baby talk to the 2yo girl I had in care saying

"Now, didn't you know you are supposed to nap and not poop until (me) gets home? That's yucky. Yucky --gag--yucky ---cough--yucky, young lady" and in a high really baby-like voice. She's giggling and me and dc mom were VERY quiet and trying not to laugh. He had NO idea we had even come home. I snuck a peak around the wall and saw him, NO JOKE, with yellow rubber gloves that went to his elbows, his shirt on his nose and him balling up a bunch of wipes trying to get her clean and gagging. It was SO funny! Even though I could change that diaper in 30 seconds without any of that "extra stuff", I could see he was creative and cared very much how this child was cared for. Mom and I busted out laughing and he looked up because we "caught" him in the act of changing a diaper---something he swore he'd never do. So, I say give our husbands a little more credit and trust that sometimes...they really do know what to do. Did he need rubber gloves? No. 30 wipes? No. Was she clean and happy? YES! In the end that's all that matters. It's not gender that makes one a molester. Remember, you can "think" you know someone and be VERY wrong and you might not personally know this man, and he could be an awesome guy. You just don't know anything until something either does or doesn't happen. Is that comforting? Hells no! Is it just simply the way it is? yeah...
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Tags:choosing daycare, husband, interview - questions, notice not, provider - left kids with spouse
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