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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>The Village is Lost to Todays Parents?
Cat Herder 02:32 PM 05-10-2017
I have been reading a lot about this topic lately and I wanted to open this up for opinions (hopefully opposite of mine to learn something new. ). Is the Village lost? Are we simply a changing culture? Is it for the best or worse? Did the Village even exist for us to begin with? Did we adapt to self care because it was already gone? Are readily available public resources replacing the Village with no strings attached?

"It may take a village to raise a child but no one cares about the village once the child is born, as the world around ceases to exist."

"Our ancestors have been addicted to honor, craved virtue and wealth, been hooked on conquest, and on God. But ours is the first civilization to find its deep fulfillment in our descendants."

"Successive governments have forced parents to become entrepreneurs on behalf of their individual children, we haven't got time to change the world because we are too busy making sure the kids are OK. So we absolutely rely on this idea that they must fulfil us, which is rather insulting to the child-free."

"Somewhere in the midst of this we must see how the links between the generations are unraveling. Some of these links felt more like chains and, as women became more independent, they broke. But many are weakened by the need for two wages to bring up a family and the idealization of individual self-contained nuclear families."

"History suggests the young must shoulder the burden of the old, but they already do, taking on debts for the basics in a situation not of their making. Has it really come to this stark choice? We care for our elders or for our children?"
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Mom2Two 02:57 PM 05-10-2017
Is this all from the same author/article?

I read the newspaper and a lot of op eds, but I hadn't heard this pov before.

Idk...I guess I try to filter out a lot of changing values and hubbub and try to focus on what I feel is right, and what I feel God would want from me, and I try to teach our children the same.
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Cat Herder 04:01 PM 05-10-2017
Several authors, several points and one over-all concept to get the conversation rolling.
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Unregistered 05:45 PM 05-10-2017
Growing up as a child of the 70's we knew our neighbors, knew all their last names at least, we knew they would report any misdeeds we did to our parents, but we had a mutual respect. Nowadays I have no idea the names of any of my neighbors, I wave to the neighbor across the street when we are both getting the mail at the same time but I have lived here 9 years and I have no idea what his name is. I guess part of it is mistrust of anyone. Part of it is I mind my business and you mind yours mentality of the neighborhood. The only families we know nearby are kids my child goes to school with, other than that everyone keeps to themselves. I live in a wealthy neighborhood but you rarely see anyone outdoors. People are go from the house right into the car in the garage and drive away without having to acknowledge any neighbors, ect..
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kendallina 07:06 PM 05-10-2017
In college (about 17 years ago) I rented a room from an older woman. There was a Chinese girl who rented the other bedroom from woman. I was friendly with her, but for the most part, we led completely separate lives. Until she asked me to let her practice driving with my car. My new (to me) car! Later she asked to use my computer to write a paper (desktop, in my bedroom). My initial reaction to these requests was to blame her and think, why can't she go to the computer lab...doesn't she have a friend with a car..etc etc

This all happened at the same time I was studying in my psych/soc classes about how our society valued individualism and many other societies still valued collectivism (putting group or others needs before your own).

Understanding intellectually that she came from a very different culture where these kind of requests were common and knowing that she would have done the same for me helped me to accept what she asked of me.

Growing up my mom was single, I was a latchkey kid, I figured it out. No one helped me with college applications or financial aid, I figured it out. I could make any life choices I wanted. I was proud of everything that I did (still am), but I always did realize the difficulty that it was to have to do it all myself.

As an adult with two children, there have been many times where I've had to ask for help. We don't live near family (true for so many), but we live in a small community and we know so many people. We've also helped so many friends, watched dogs while friends were on vacation, picked up their kids from school, made meals, etc. I know all my neighbors. My daughter does. She walks the neighborhood. She knows which neighbors she would go to first if there was a problem. I am so grateful for the community that I live in because it could be so so different since we don't have any family here. But, yes, in all, we live in an individualistic society and time. There is good and bad to it. I think I went on a bit of a tangent....would love to hear others thoughts.

Yes, we are a society that
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Annalee 07:37 PM 05-10-2017
Let me just say first that these are just my opinions. My brothers and I were having a similar discussion prevously. My brother brought up this quote "America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." - Abraham Lincoln Then he tied it in with the destruction of the home which began with many movements down through time (not going to debate those) Home as many of us knew it is a forgotten lifestyle. Things that SHOULD be instinctive are NOT. With the destruction of the HOME, families suffer! Not that ALL homes are bad today but too many homes have NO stability, responsibility, tolerance, selflessness, sacrifice, etc. It is all about ME and what I want at any given time. How can a family grow with that mentality! Parents make a choice if they want to parent, children make their own decisions from birth, even before they can talk. Too many today feel like life should stop for them. Many can't adapt to change or don't want to adapt so they find an escape. Simple things like "love for our neighbor" would SOLVE this entire issue. We don't need therapists, psychologists, psychiatrist to teach how to LOVE someone. We don't need medicine to control our emotions. I tell my husband all the time "there is no medicine for meanness, get it together" Again, just my opinons!

I am from a very close immediate and extended family from a small community. I live now within a mile of where I grew up. We have had our share of heartaches but have been blessed with many good times as well. No matter what our differences are, and there are differences, when the going gets tough we BOND. We may talk about each other but we don't like it when someone from the outside talks about one of our own
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Josiegirl 02:47 AM 05-11-2017
Even when I was growing up, it didn't feel like a sense of community or maybe I just didn't see it, wasn't taught it. We knew our neighbor's names but little else. I'm an introvert so that may be why I see a different side; I've always kept to myself anyways. My sister, 9 yrs. older, is closer to her neighborhood than I am to mine.
But I think the idea of 'village' is disappearing quickly due to so many reasons. Families spread apart, move away. People have a bigger sense of entitlement and less respect for each other. Electronic media has displaced real life focus. It takes more energy and time to become involved and help others when families have very little of either to begin with.
With that said, I have found people throughout childcare services and trainings who spread themselves so thin by helping providers and families....I don't know how they do it.
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daycarediva 04:16 AM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by Annalee:
Let me just say first that these are just my opinions. My brothers and I were having a similar discussion prevously. My brother brought up this quote "America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." - Abraham Lincoln Then he tied it in with the destruction of the home which began with many movements down through time (not going to debate those) Home as many of us knew it is a forgotten lifestyle. Things that SHOULD be instinctive are NOT. With the destruction of the HOME, families suffer! Not that ALL homes are bad today but too many homes have NO stability, responsibility, tolerance, selflessness, sacrifice, etc. It is all about ME and what I want at any given time. How can a family grow with that mentality! Parents make a choice if they want to parent, children make their own decisions from birth, even before they can talk. Too many today feel like life should stop for them. Many can't adapt to change or don't want to adapt so they find an escape. Simple things like "love for our neighbor" would SOLVE this entire issue. We don't need therapists, psychologists, psychiatrist to teach how to LOVE someone. We don't need medicine to control our emotions. I tell my husband all the time "there is no medicine for meanness, get it together" Again, just my opinons!

I am from a very close immediate and extended family from a small community. I live now within a mile of where I grew up. We have had our share of heartaches but have been blessed with many good times as well. No matter what our differences are, and there are differences, when the going gets tough we BOND. We may talk about each other but we don't like it when someone from the outside talks about one of our own
ITA with this, home lives are a thing of the past. Divorce rates have skyrocketed, children in childcare open to close, being raised by strangers (sorry ladies), family dinners, being close to extended family.

When I was growing up, we roamed the neighborhood, as a gang of kids, someones mother would feed us, or shoo us to someone elses house because she fed us yesterday. Moms would leave a tray of cookies and lemonade on the porch, and one mom even had this crazy loud dinner bell to call us all in at the end of the day. Our curfew was the streetlight. ASIDE from that, parents had home cooked family meals. No cell phones or TV's on, and real conversation. The kids were respectful, and knew their place in the home.

I recently read an article that made a great point, less on the village topic, but more on the family topic.


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Annalee 04:44 AM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
ITA with this, home lives are a thing of the past. Divorce rates have skyrocketed, children in childcare open to close, being raised by strangers (sorry ladies), family dinners, being close to extended family.

When I was growing up, we roamed the neighborhood, as a gang of kids, someones mother would feed us, or shoo us to someone elses house because she fed us yesterday. Moms would leave a tray of cookies and lemonade on the porch, and one mom even had this crazy loud dinner bell to call us all in at the end of the day. Our curfew was the streetlight. ASIDE from that, parents had home cooked family meals. No cell phones or TV's on, and real conversation. The kids were respectful, and knew their place in the home.

I recently read an article that made a great point, less on the village topic, but more on the family topic.

We had one TV with only the basic channels so we all watched the same thing TOGETHER. Parents said what they meant and meant what they said. There were consequences if you didn't follow the rules. EVERYTHING is a "negotiation" today no matter what the age therefore, so everything is right???? Choices/consequences but there are no consequences today....only excuses! "A person can say they didn't get a little red wagon when they was a child, therefore that's why they did what they did"....EXCUSES for EVERYTHING! When is anyone going to be accountable for their own choices? Just my soapbox for the day!
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EntropyControlSpecialist 05:50 AM 05-11-2017
I live in a smaller community that is totally split on wanting a village and being angry that someone is trying to be the village.
We DO know our neighbors (all the way down the street on our side and across the street) and vice versa. We chat over fences. We chat on our community's Facebook page. If someone's children are making unwise choices, we tell them to knock it off and then it usually gets posted to the group without names (identifying info like the age range, gender, shirt color would be posted). Many in our community like that we can be somewhat of a village for each other. It is nice.

I feel like families used to help each other more. I notice a lot of cultural differences in my own family due to being interracial. My husband's side is still extremely helpful and willing to step in as needed for each other. My own side is NOT this way and is very entitled to having everything done their way or the highway. I don't feel like I have a village there nor am I a part of one.
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Cat Herder 06:02 AM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I recently read an article that made a great point, less on the village topic, but more on the family topic.

He makes a good point but it begs the question of WHY the kids launched earlier. Was that actually a good thing or a catalyst for the beginning of the decline.

I remember getting out as soon as I was legally able and planning to never look back. I had no bond with any of my family, as a child I felt only a criticized servant. I remember many of my closest childhood friends feeling the same. Many followed through.

"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

I have to wonder did some parents simply take the "serve your parents" and forget to nurture and educate their children or was this always the way it was?
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Cat Herder 06:06 AM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
I notice a lot of cultural differences in my own family due to being interracial. .
I had not considered that aspect. Thank you!
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Pepperth 06:23 AM 05-11-2017
A lot of times I feel like the village is lost to me. I see it elsewhere in my community, and I'd love to have it surrounding me, but i can't figure out how. My community has had a few tragic events recently that made me realize just how unconnected people feel from each other, even went they seem to have it all together.
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Blackcat31 06:45 AM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
I have been reading a lot about this topic lately and I wanted to open this up for opinions (hopefully opposite of mine to learn something new. ).
No comments from me other than we pretty much take turns living in each other's brain space so no *opposite* opinions from me.

Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I recently read an article that made a great point, less on the village topic, but more on the family topic.

John Rosemond

His Parent Power book was my parenting Bible while raising my kids.


The only real comment that I have about this topic (other than I agree with a lot of what's been said already) is the village no longer assumes the role of support, assistance and education and instead has adopted the role of scape-goat for all.

The shift in "blaming" verses taking taking personal responsibility for life choices is akin to the lead (in water/dishes) and the fall of the Roman Empire.
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mommyneedsadayoff 07:26 AM 05-11-2017
I would say the village is not really absent, but it has taken on a new form. It is digital now. I can literally have a conversation about my child's constipation with a complete stranger on the otherside of the world. While that accessibility can be appealing, i do think it has its significant drawbacks. For one, no matter what the issue, you can find something on the internet to back up your beliefs. Speaking with someone face to face (like your mom, grandma, uncle) is more intimate and it holds you more accountable than the internet does. My grandma is going to tell me stop feeding my kid tons of cheese and crap to help with the constipation. The internet is going to tell me that it is ok to give him mirilax daily versus changing his eating habits. And the internet mommy masses are going to validate it bc that is what they did too. I mean, if LO loves cheese, he should get as much as he wants right?? The thing is, when you asked the question, you left out the cheese part. And the mommy masses conveniently left out their child's nutrition or other contributing factors. There is not enough info to give solid advice, so it becomes cheap, standardized advice. Grandma knows LO amd has a vested interest in his health, unlike everyone online.

The village used to be more intimate and the idea was shared...lets help each other out and have each other's backs bc it is best for the children. Now, it has become more about what is best for the parents. LO is gonna get all the cheese he can eat bc it makes him happy and that makes mom/dad happy. It doesnt matter if it is no in his best interest, bc it is in their best interest that he not cry and throw a fit or be unhappy in any way. And they believe it bc their internet village confirmed it to be true.
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Annalee 07:32 AM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by mommyneedsadayoff:
I would say the village is not really absent, but it has taken on a new form. It is digital now. I can literally have a conversation about my child's constipation with a complete stranger on the otherside of the world. While that accessibility can be appealing, i do think it has its significant drawbacks. For one, no matter what the issue, you can find something on the internet to back up your beliefs. Speaking with someone face to face (like your mom, grandma, uncle) is more intimate and it holds you more accountable than the internet does. My grandma is going to tell me stop feeding my kid tons of cheese and crap to help with the constipation. The internet is going to tell me that it is ok to give him mirilax daily versus changing his eating habits. And the internet mommy masses are going to validate it bc that is what they did too. I mean, if LO loves cheese, he should get as much as he wants right?? The thing is, when you asked the question, you left out the cheese part. And the mommy masses conveniently left out their child's nutrition or other contributing factors. There is not enough info to give solid advice, so it becomes cheap, standardized advice. Grandma knows LO amd has a vested interest in his health, unlike everyone online.

The village used to be more intimate and the idea was shared...lets help each other out and have each other's backs bc it is best for the children. Now, it has become more about what is best for the parents. LO is gonna get all the cheese he can eat bc it makes him happy and that makes mom/dad happy. It doesnt matter if it is no in his best interest, bc it is in their best interest that he not cry and throw a fit or be unhappy in any way. And they believe it bc their internet village confirmed it to be true.
You make some good points. In the internet village, a person can become a fabricated person and in real life almost forget who they REALLY are. Some parents really feel as if they are "mother of the year". BUT WE KNOW WHO THEY REALLY ARE
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Cat Herder 07:37 AM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
The shift in "blaming" verses taking taking personal responsibility for life choices is akin to the lead (in water/dishes) and the fall of the Roman Empire.
Right? But the paradox is what gets me.

The latchkey, emotionally bankrupt, educationally neglected kids who had no support at home are the very ones being criticized for not having bonded through the generations. For not being willing to take our hard earned success from our nuclear families to give to people who would not give to us who now cower as victims. That makes us entitled.

From my view, It was their entitlement that created us. We succeeded despite them, we did not cower as victims, we did not overspend, we planned for our retirements. More blame shifting.

Sure we dote on our kids, we are filling our own need for connections and trying to secure those connections we craved for the next generation. Like we simply deleted the previous generation as lost to us and started our own village? I love my village. Ironically, it consists of others peoples seniors whom I gladly support and care for. Go figure.

It is crazymaking.
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Cat Herder 09:03 AM 05-11-2017
So, I diverted.

We clearly know why toxic families fail , but what about the healthier ones?

The internet theory is thought provoking, too. Is it a symptom or cause, though?
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Annalee 09:09 AM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
So, I diverted.

We clearly know why toxic families fail , but what about the healthier ones?

The internet theory is thought provoking, too. Is it a symptom or cause, though?
You pose an intriguing question! I don't necessarily have the answer but I do believe if a child grows up in a healthy family, even if they depart for a time-even a long time, they will always know where to come back to. On the other side, I have seen children from unhealthy families take control of their lives and become successful. So I guess it just boils down to the choices/consequences again.?? Some of these kids from unhealthy/healthy families play the blame card, some take charge and set their own path....positively or negatively.
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Ariana 09:58 AM 05-11-2017
I think the issue is in the shame of being vulnerable. We place very little esteem on someone who doesn't have everything together. Myself included. How many times have we judged a mom for doing things our own mothers and mothers before us have done? We have this idea now that motherhood looks like "this" and is completely attainable. I don't let my kids roam because what would everyone think?

I know most of the people on my street who have kids but I took the time or they took the time to talk. You don't just spontaneously get to know your neighbours without effort. Where I grew up I knew a few of my neighbours but there was always the houses where no one spoke to anyone. I get together with some ladies on my street for wine, our kids play together and it takes effort and a willingness to go out of your comfort zone. My first wine get together I didn't know anyone. My parents also live down the street.

Not sure this is adding anything useful! Lol
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Ariana 10:42 AM 05-11-2017
People today are so obsessed with being special and their kids are reflections of that! So many kids spending so much time at the rink or at this or that class instead of spending time playing because they are gonna be the next Gretzky or whoever...
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Annalee 11:05 AM 05-11-2017
I also think TV and social media give a false/unrealistic view of homes. Having a nice home-life takes work. Every day is not perfect but you can't QUIT. This is where I see people not being able to adapt to how life really is and issues persons may face along the way. Homes are not picture perfect for anyone.
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MOM OF 4 LOGGED OUT 11:57 AM 05-11-2017
I think that life is a double-edged sword. These days, there is a very high entitlement attitude. Everything is about serving 'self' rather than serving anyone or anything else. Parents don't want anything to do with their kids, leaving them in daycare all hours of the day and night, working or not. Work , money, status--all these things mean more. And for those who it doesn't mean more to (like the working poor), they HAVE to kill themselves working, just to survive and put food on the table.
The working-poor are not helped. They are often looked down upon, as if their contributions to society are not worthy of one's time. They can't get any help (when needed), and people sort of just turn a blind eye on each other.

The poor and working poor are always struggling to find time to even see their kids, even though they may really want to.

Being 'rich' also is not what it's cracked up to be. Kids are handed everything and in a quest of wanting our kids to have better than what we had growing up, we spoil them without realizing the consequences of our own actions.

I definitely believe that we all tear each other down. PARENTING has become a 'competition' among normal, good and hard-working people.

Working moms vs SAH moms
breastfeeding vs not breastfeeding
vaccines vs no vaccines
hovering parent vs not hovering parent, ETC.

What's sad is that if anyone thinks differently than anyone else in this world, we have to tear them down.

Politics is one of the worst ways we tear into each other. Abe Lincoln was CORRECT in his statement. Most of the statements do ring true, actually.

The internet age is both great and damning. Disconnection from humans to other humans is not a good thing.

We also are quick to diagnose everyone with some form of 'mental illness' because life is hard and because people take things for granted, they are unable to cope with simple setbacks in their lives. Granted, some people DO legitimately have a mental disorder; but most are over-diagnosed.

We need LESS medication, LESS diagnosis, LESS governmental interference with life and MORE accountability for ourselves and MORE willingness of people to help each other.

We all want an idyllic lifestyle- of course. But stepping on each other and tearing each other down, rather than building each other up? This is NOT THE RIGHT WAY.
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mommyneedsadayoff 12:25 PM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
So, I diverted.

We clearly know why toxic families fail , but what about the healthier ones?

The internet theory is thought provoking, too. Is it a symptom or cause, though?
I used to think that the internet/social media perpetuated the disconnect, but there was still at least a bit of connection to work with. Now, I think it is the cause. I didn't get a cellphone till I was 19 and social media really didn't even begin to exist till I was in my 20s. The parents and children I deal with now have been surrounded by it their ENTIRE lives. The foundation never got built, so the disconnect now leads to the entire family falling apart. And when those families need help, support, inspiration, they turn to the internet to find what they are looking for, versus turning to their friends family and being held accountable for their own part in their family's demise. Instant validation! No matter what the behavior, you can find someone online who says it is a-okay!
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Blackcat31 02:32 PM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by mommyneedsadayoff:
I used to think that the internet/social media perpetuated the disconnect, but there was still at least a bit of connection to work with. Now, I think it is the cause. I didn't get a cellphone till I was 19 and social media really didn't even begin to exist till I was in my 20s. The parents and children I deal with now have been surrounded by it their ENTIRE lives. The foundation never got built, so the disconnect now leads to the entire family falling apart. And when those families need help, support, inspiration, they turn to the internet to find what they are looking for, versus turning to their friends family and being held accountable for their own part in their family's demise. Instant validation! No matter what the behavior, you can find someone online who says it is a-okay!
That word ^^^ makes me stop and ponder.

Maybe as a society, as a parent, as an individual and as a human we need to ask (ourselves) why?

This is something I personally can not comprehend.
I have never been of the mindset that anyone else has the power or the right to judge me/my decisions.

Even as young as my preschool years I have vivid memories of not wanting, needing or being personally fulfilled by someone else's judgement, thoughts or opinions. Even in those years where outside influences shape and mold our wants, needs and desires...

What makes someone NEED approval or acceptance...

Brings us back to the age old question: Is it nature or nurture? Or a combination of both. One more than the other for some.

If we could figure out what it is that drives a person to act according to acceptance or ostracism within their personal and societal communities, then maybe needing, striving for or wanting that validation (in order to feel good) would be different or non-existent.



I wonder
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mommyneedsadayoff 03:00 PM 05-11-2017
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
That word ^^^ makes me stop and ponder.

Maybe as a society, as a parent, as an individual and as a human we need to ask (ourselves) why?

This is something I personally can not comprehend.
I have never been of the mindset that anyone else has the power or the right to judge me/my decisions.

Even as young as my preschool years I have vivid memories of not wanting, needing or being personally fulfilled by someone else's judgement, thoughts or opinions. Even in those years where outside influences shape and mold our wants, needs and desires...

What makes someone NEED approval or acceptance...

Brings us back to the age old question: Is it nature or nurture? Or a combination of both. One more than the other for some.

If we could figure out what it is that drives a person to act according to acceptance or ostracism within their personal and societal communities, then maybe needing, striving for or wanting that validation (in order to feel good) would be different or non-existent.



I wonder
I wonder if it is not the cat chasing its tail. Do they look to their family/friends first, don't get the info they were hoping for, and then the internet validates their beliefs? Or do they go the internet first, validate beliefs, and expect their friends/family to agree?

I think the lack of support and security makes people very stringent in their beliefs. Beliefs they have researched and read about all over the internet! If you offer contradicting advice, they take it as a PERSONAL assault on them. It is not, but they have just been validated by the internet that their way is the BEST way, so there is no room for argument. Even offering another opinion is considered offensive.

FTR, this is the ONLY site I go to where I feel advice is heeded. It is used as supportive knowledge, not an attack on your way of doing things. It is an asset to me and many others because our ego gets put to the wayside. No one here is going to validate bad behavior of the the wrong response when handling childcare situations. They are going to call you out on it and hold you accountable. It is one of the ONLY forums who does not sugar coat it so the info goes down easy. And that is awesome in my book. I have been called out. I am a better person/provider because of it.
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kidcrazednluvingit 10:48 AM 05-12-2017
This is such an interesting thread....

My husband and I talk about this a lot. We are so mystified by how everyone our age does life and why we feel like we are we the only ones who aren't interested in today's standards?...
We love our family time, we crave it, protect it, and spending time at home with our kids is what fills our buckets. We have had 3 over nights alone since our oldest was born 7 years ago. We are very close with my family and see them often. We unfortunately don't have that option on hubby's side.

Folks look at us like we have two heads when we tell them
A) we don't do any social media (just think it's fake and would rather spend my time making real human connection than looking at posed images of people.)
B) we don't drink or use substances ( hubby is 8 years sober- many friends and peers don't support his sobriety as they use drugs and alchohol and think he never had a problem)
C) we WANT to be home at night if possible
(Our peers seem to go out as much as possible)
D) we would rather live a simple life so I can be home more than have more materials and be busier. We don't want our kids in all sorts of activities, one per season is our rule.

It's not that I judge people who do life differently, I just have made these adjustments over time as I have realized my desire to savour this short life. I want to relate, love, and share time.

In a society that is so progressive, connected, and developed I would also argue that we are also a "disposable" society and probably the most lonely, addicted, and loveless. I feel we have bought into a lie somewhere, a false representation of what happiness is. What did they do 100 years ago without prozac, care.com, amazon, match, facebook friends and opioids? I would argue more people spent their time staying married, loving their nieghbors, and raised their kids the best they could. That sounds good to me.

On the flip side we are so connected now we get notified whenever a sex offender moves next door and know there are countless more unregistered. We hear on the news about abuse is schools and churchs, and the other parents are so busy... who is the village now?
I want a village, but where do I go to get one?
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Cat Herder 12:01 PM 05-12-2017
Originally Posted by kidcrazednluvingit:
We love our family time, we crave it, protect it, and spending time at home with our kids is what fills our buckets.

I have realized my desire to savour this short life. I want to relate, love, and share time.

we would rather live a simple life so I can be home more than have more materials and be busier.

We hear on the news about abuse is schools and churchs, and the other parents are so busy... who is the village now?
I want a village, but where do I go to get one?
I could have written your post 20 years ago. That was exactly how I felt. We both wanted more time at home with our kids. We hold little value to "stuff". Our currency is time together, not things.

The bold: That is an interesting point. Church used to be where many people found their village. Is church going away taking some of the village? My experience of church was exclusionary so was not something I felt worth giving up family time for.

I found my village in volunteering. It started as perceived educational opportunities for my kids and building business relationships for my daycare but became a vehicle for personal fulfillment for us all, together. My daycare was my way to be home and earn an income.
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mommyneedsadayoff 02:10 PM 05-12-2017
Originally Posted by kidcrazednluvingit:
This is such an interesting thread....

My husband and I talk about this a lot. We are so mystified by how everyone our age does life and why we feel like we are we the only ones who aren't interested in today's standards?...
We love our family time, we crave it, protect it, and spending time at home with our kids is what fills our buckets. We have had 3 over nights alone since our oldest was born 7 years ago. We are very close with my family and see them often. We unfortunately don't have that option on hubby's side.

Folks look at us like we have two heads when we tell them
A) we don't do any social media (just think it's fake and would rather spend my time making real human connection than looking at posed images of people.)
B) we don't drink or use substances ( hubby is 8 years sober- many friends and peers don't support his sobriety as they use drugs and alchohol and think he never had a problem)
C) we WANT to be home at night if possible
(Our peers seem to go out as much as possible)
D) we would rather live a simple life so I can be home more than have more materials and be busier. We don't want our kids in all sorts of activities, one per season is our rule.

It's not that I judge people who do life differently, I just have made these adjustments over time as I have realized my desire to savour this short life. I want to relate, love, and share time.

In a society that is so progressive, connected, and developed I would also argue that we are also a "disposable" society and probably the most lonely, addicted, and loveless. I feel we have bought into a lie somewhere, a false representation of what happiness is. What did they do 100 years ago without prozac, care.com, amazon, match, facebook friends and opioids? I would argue more people spent their time staying married, loving their nieghbors, and raised their kids the best they could. That sounds good to me.

On the flip side we are so connected now we get notified whenever a sex offender moves next door and know there are countless more unregistered. We hear on the news about abuse is schools and churchs, and the other parents are so busy... who is the village now?
I want a village, but where do I go to get one?
This is an excellent post. I agree so much! I bolded the words lonely and addicted. We are more "connected" in a technological way, but it almost feels like we replaced teh village with the internet. And the internet won't come over on friday night for some wine and a venting session. The genuine connection has been replaced with an inauthentic one online.

I read an article once about the dangers of being addicted to your phone and social media. When you get a "like" on your FB, it is akin to the high you get when using drugs. We are showing actual addiction to something we carry around in our pocket all the time. They said it was worse than drug/alcohol addiction, because you can't get away from it. It is everywhere and in your face 24/7. The scariest part was how it affects children There are many positives to the advancement of technology, but I don't think we quite realize how detrimental the negatives can be as well.
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Pepperth 02:29 PM 05-12-2017
Originally Posted by mommyneedsadayoff:
This is an excellent post. I agree so much! I bolded the words lonely and addicted. We are more "connected" in a technological way, but it almost feels like we replaced teh village with the internet. And the internet won't come over on friday night for some wine and a venting session. The genuine connection has been replaced with an inauthentic one online.

I read an article once about the dangers of being addicted to your phone and social media. When you get a "like" on your FB, it is akin to the high you get when using drugs. We are showing actual addiction to something we carry around in our pocket all the time. They said it was worse than drug/alcohol addiction, because you can't get away from it. It is everywhere and in your face 24/7. The scariest part was how it affects children There are many positives to the advancement of technology, but I don't think we quite realize how detrimental the negatives can be as well.
I agree 100 percent. I hear a lot of of people my age complain about not really knowing where to find friends once you get past the college age. Ive often thought if everybody who said that became friends and banded together, nobody would be lonely. I, myself get so hooked on my phone it's ridiculous.
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Mom2Two 05:03 PM 05-12-2017
Originally Posted by mommyneedsadayoff:
I would say the village is not really absent, but it has taken on a new form. It is digital now. I can literally have a conversation about my child's constipation with a complete stranger on the otherside of the world. While that accessibility can be appealing, i do think it has its significant drawbacks. For one, no matter what the issue, you can find something on the internet to back up your beliefs. Speaking with someone face to face (like your mom, grandma, uncle) is more intimate and it holds you more accountable than the internet does. My grandma is going to tell me stop feeding my kid tons of cheese and crap to help with the constipation. The internet is going to tell me that it is ok to give him mirilax daily versus changing his eating habits. And the internet mommy masses are going to validate it bc that is what they did too. I mean, if LO loves cheese, he should get as much as he wants right?? The thing is, when you asked the question, you left out the cheese part. And the mommy masses conveniently left out their child's nutrition or other contributing factors. There is not enough info to give solid advice, so it becomes cheap, standardized advice. Grandma knows LO amd has a vested interest in his health, unlike everyone online.

The village used to be more intimate and the idea was shared...lets help each other out and have each other's backs bc it is best for the children. Now, it has become more about what is best for the parents. LO is gonna get all the cheese he can eat bc it makes him happy and that makes mom/dad happy. It doesnt matter if it is no in his best interest, bc it is in their best interest that he not cry and throw a fit or be unhappy in any way. And they believe it bc their internet village confirmed it to be true.
Love this! Reminds me of advice columns where someone presents their problem but a whole lot of details are left out, so they usually get validated.
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CalCare 08:03 PM 05-12-2017
Idk. I have a couple villages! I have a community in my 9 year old's school, I have a community where I recently moved away from (I have one of the old neighbors over for dinner a couple of times a month, they are elderly and like to think of my kids as grandkids), I have a community where I now live (exchanged numbers with one neighbor, am on nextdoor.com connecting everyone in the area, I've met like 8 different neighbors here since 3/5 move in, my kids play with 4 different neighbor family's kids), I have community even in the grocery stores I go to-do we all ylak about how everyone is and kids going to college and preschool etc. I offer and follow through on helping all of them here and there. I am feeding my little son's FCC provider's cat tmrw because they are out of town. Then on Saturday I'm going to a fundraiser for my older son's old preschool. They are another community I am involved with. These are all my villages. We help each other every day. My friend just drive me to and from my oral surgery yesterday! I watched her baby a few days before that. So she could volunteer! It goes on and on. I do think fb connects me more, so does having texting and email - makes communicating plans quick and easy, so does next door.com as well as our school's parent communication thing called parentsquare.
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Tags:community, cultural competency, cultural differences, culture, family drama, pendulum swing, subsidy issues
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