Child Says "You Hurt Me"

One of my little boys who is 2 1/2 will say "you hurt me" if I have to physically move him to time out or something he doesn't want to do. For example he threw a toy (nearly missing another child) which is a big no no in our day care. I reminded him of the rule and told him to take a time out. He told me "NO!" and ran away. I went and grabbed his arm and walked him back to the time out spot. Literally...we walked together. No pulling or dragging...nothing like that. As he sits down he says "you hurt my arm". To avoid argument...there is NO WAY he was hurt. He only does this when he gets in trouble, and it's becoming more and more frequent. My concern is that he will go home and say he was hurt at day care when that is absolutely not the case. He's a very bright little boy. I think he may get out of stuff at home by saying this...I'm not sure. But I'm tossing the idea around about talking to mom. Would you?

[nannyde]

I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.

It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.

Originally Posted by nannyde

I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.

It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.

Wow...very good!!! This is exactly what needs to happen!! Ha-ha!!! Love it!!! Thank you, thank you!! Guess what we will be saying a lot tomorrow!

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Wow...very good!!! This is exactly what needs to happen!! Ha-ha!!! Love it!!! Thank you, thank you!! Guess what we will be saying a lot tomorrow!

It'll work. He knows it stops adults in their tracks and he gets loads of interaction when he says it. GAME ON. I'll see your "you hurt me" and raise you a "MIND ME"

[MissAnn]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

One of my little boys who is 2 1/2 will say "you hurt me" if I have to physically move him to time out or something he doesn't want to do. For example he threw a toy (nearly missing another child) which is a big no no in our day care. I reminded him of the rule and told him to take a time out. He told me "NO!" and ran away. I went and grabbed his arm and walked him back to the time out spot. Literally...we walked together. No pulling or dragging...nothing like that. As he sits down he says "you hurt my arm". To avoid argument...there is NO WAY he was hurt. He only does this when he gets in trouble, and it's becoming more and more frequent. My concern is that he will go home and say he was hurt at day care when that is absolutely not the case. He's a very bright little boy. I think he may get out of stuff at home by saying this...I'm not sure. But I'm tossing the idea around about talking to mom. Would you?

I had a kid that after holding his arms gently while giving him a lecture....he would keep looking at his arms as if I hurt him. Freaked me out!

[lovemykidstoo]

I have the same thing with the one child that drives me nuts and will be done Sept 1. He is a monster and I have to take him by the hand or arm ALOT! He ALWAYS grabs his arm and gets this look on his face like I beat him and says, you hurt my arm. I just firmly say, NO, I did not hurt you, now sit in time out! That usually ends the conversation. I always wonder if he says that to his parents because he is very smart and a master manipulator. If they ever bring it up, I will gladly discuss it with them, but it hasn't yet and he's been doing it a long time.

Nannyde, would this method work for the phrase "you're not my friend anymore" as well? That phrase is driving me nuts, and it really hurts the targets' feelings. Luckily it's just one DCG that uses it frequently, although the others have picked it up too.

[JenNJ]

I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.

He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.

I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?

[SilverSabre25]

Originally Posted by nannyde

I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.

It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.

That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.

OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.

Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."

[Cradle2crayons]

Originally Posted by JenNJ

I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.

He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.

I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?

Totally agree.

I would never tell a group of children to do a thing like that. That would set the whole dynamic up for trouble.

That would teach the other kids its okay to make fun and "bully" another kid.

That would teach the offending child that its okay to be made fun of, shamed, and bullied and it would all be okay end by the adult who is supposed to be NOT enforcing shaming and bullying.

Wowee would certainly not be a good thing .

[SilverSabre25]

Originally Posted by JenNJ

I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.

He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.

I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?

This too! Well said, Jen

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Originally Posted by SilverSabre25

That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.

OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.

Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."

This is exactly what I would do and have done in the past with one child. It stopped quickly.

[Sugar Magnolia]

Originally Posted by nannyde

I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.

It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.

Horrible idea! OP, please DON'T do this.

This makes zero sense to me. It shaming. And why on earth would you encourage "you hurt me" as a phrase you want said frequently by ALL the kids? Encouraging name calling? No. Not cool. And I'm pretty shocked to read this.

OP, I would talk to mom and assure her he is handled gently, and only says this when he is being corrected or redirected?

Can you imagine if he went home and says "the teacher and all the other kids.call me "you hurt me." ???

[Heidi]

Originally Posted by JenNJ

I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.

He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.

I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?

Thank you...

Nan's idea, while funny, is unlikely to produce anything but more trouble. Sorry, Nan...so often I agree with you.

[Play Care]

Originally Posted by SilverSabre25

OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.

Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."

This is exactly as I have handled this in the past, though if the child is old enough (4 1/2 +) I might also give a TO for the lying on top of the TO already earned. We don't do a lot of TO's here, but making up that they are hurt to get others in trouble is a big deal and would warrant some pretty steep consequences.

[MizzCheryl]

Originally Posted by SilverSabre25

That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.

OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.

Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."

NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.

Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.

[Heidi]

Originally Posted by MizzCheryl

NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.

Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.

Wait! She isn't saying "you are a liar" she is saying "you are telling a lie". Not a word I usually throw around (it's one of those words I find harsh and avoid, but it's not wrong). I would say "fib" or "boy, you are really using your imagination on that". But, that's me and my aversion's of the word's problem.

I get what Nan was trying to say, and I know she's used a similar technique when kids say swear words (I've have learned that some things come across differently in writing). I think the part where the other kids chime in is across the line, though.

[SilverSabre25]

Originally Posted by MizzCheryl

NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.

Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.

You think your way, I'll think mine, thank you. Yes I do think that name calling and calling him "youhurtme" is mocking. And egging on the other kids to call him that too is encouraging bullying. Sorry, not something I encourage here. And you don't call a three year old derogatory names.

I'm not saying stand there and argue with a 3 year old. Arguing with three year olds is about as useful as teaching a cat to cook dinner. I don't know where you got that idea, but you're reading something into my advice that I didn't put there.

[makap]

Originally Posted by JenNJ

I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.

He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.

I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?

Originally Posted by SilverSabre25

That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.

OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.

Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."

Both of these are excellent!! I myself would not use the word lie as I don't like it, I would maybe say "that is a tall tale" or something like that, but otherwise, I think both of these answers are great!

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Heidi

Wait! She isn't saying "you are a liar" she is saying "you are telling a lie". Not a word I usually throw around (it's one of those words I find harsh and avoid, but it's not wrong). I would say "fib" or "boy, you are really using your imagination on that". But, that's me and my aversion's of the word's problem.

I get what Nan was trying to say, and I know she's used a similar technique when kids say swear words (I've have learned that some things come across differently in writing). I think the part where the other kids chime in is across the line, though.

It's a dilution method where you take the phrase and give it s nonsensical meaning.. then shorten down even further

I would call him "you hut me" then "u hermie" then hermie. He would be called Hermie till he went to kindy here. :-)

I've done this technique a ton of times and it works great. I'm in charge of nicknames in my little world and I'm brilliant at it.

I wouldn't spend a second correcting him when he accuses. Kids do what works and those are some pretty powerful words. I would release the power from those words and then... once cured... I would model hurt to him. I would not ever try to tell him to not say it. He's been to that rodeo and he loves loves loves the adult reaction. He would be thrown off kilter Iif we used the power for silly instead of the power he has gotten of getting the adult to DO him.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by makap

Both of these are excellent!! I myself would not use the word lie as I don't like it, I would maybe say "that is a tall tale" or something like that, but otherwise, I think both of these answers are great!

The kid will definitely like that but I don't think it will stop him from saying it the next time he's physically being taken to another place.

He will like it though. He's saying those words because he can command an adult to take their hands off him AND he gets the bonus of some one to one each time. You could be talking about dental surgery afterwards and it will go into his brain the same. He gets the adult got. That's what he's after.

It changes the matrix of the situation from his consequence for disobeying to an adult being put in the hot seat and then intense one to one. It is brilliant BUT he didn't invent it. Many lil creeps before him have tried the projection deflection. He's just been successful enough to try it on someone other than family.

[SilverSabre25]

No. That tactic seems entirely, incredibly disrespectful. i could never do that, not in a million years. Doesn't matter how well it works. It crosses a line.

Just...no.

[JoseyJo]

Originally Posted by nannyde

I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.

It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.

Thank you so much Nanny De!

I have a little one who just turned 3 yo. Every time he gets redirected or has to do anything he doesn't want he starts crying "mommy, mommy" and does a little fit for about 30 sec to a minute, then does whatever I want. - It happens at least 20 times every day! Today when he started it I said "mommy, mommy, mommy" (not in a teasing way or anything, just saying the word) and he looked at me like I was crazy, then just did what I asked! Every time he started it up again I started saying or singing the word. He only tired it a handful of times, then he just started doing what I wanted happily without having to do the cry/mommy thing first.


_ Edit_ I just read through the comments after nanny de's original one (I read that this morning and just posted my response w/o reading the comments after.)

I didn't take what she said as teasing, mocking, making fun of, or anything like that! I took it as "taking the power out of the word"- as in he is getting a lot of inappropriate attention for saying "you hurt me" (or "mommy, mommy" in my case) when the TRUTH is that no one hurt him, and mine doesn't want his mommy at all! They both just want out of what they don't want to do and for whatever reason that specific phrase has worked to get them out of trouble and into a discussion. Just like all the parents we talk about on these threads who will say anything they need to so you will not term them, but then go right back to the bad behaviors- kids find out what "words" work for what they want and use them.

I am not sure of the exact way that Nanny De does it since I am reading it instead of hearing it- but what I did was say in a silly/ sing song voice the word after he started using it and guided him to do what I wanted him to do. It worked great- he didn't seem embarrassed, mad, sad, or anything- it really just set him back on the tracks from his mommy, mommy dis-railing and he went about doing what he was supposed to w/o having to throw the fit first. The other kids didn't even seem to notice me doing it, didn't question me about it, stop what they were doing, or really pay any attention at all. I sing silly things all the time

[Sugar Magnolia]

Originally Posted by nannyde

It's a dilution method where you take the phrase and give it s nonsensical meaning.. then shorten down even further

I would call him "you hut me" then "u hermie" then hermie. He would be called Hermie till he went to kindy here. :-)

I've done this technique a ton of times and it works great. I'm in charge of nicknames in my little world and I'm brilliant at it.

I wouldn't spend a second correcting him when he accuses. Kids do what works and those are some pretty powerful words. I would release the power from those words and then... once cured... I would model hurt to him. I would not ever try to tell him to not say it. He's been to that rodeo and he loves loves loves the adult reaction. He would be thrown off kilter Iif we used the power for silly instead of the power he has gotten of getting the adult to DO him.

Still going to strongly disagree. As a parent, I would really go majorly ballistic if someone gave my.child.any "nickname" that evolved from the phrase "you hurt me". I don't think it's "silly", I think it's belittling.. I just can't understand why you would encourage name calling. Children should be addressed by their name. Or sweetie, or honey.
So by this reasoning, if you had a child who keeps saying "I don't like you" and you want to stop that behavior, do you call the child "I don't like you" as a nickname? Then "don't like". Then "don't". Then you have a child going to kindergarten with the nickname "don't" because he had an issue saying "I don't like you" two years ago. Baffling.

[Heidi]

Originally Posted by nannyde

The kid will definitely like that but I don't think it will stop him from saying it the next time he's physically being taken to another place.

He will like it though. He's saying those words because he can command an adult to take their hands off him AND he gets the bonus of some one to one each time. You could be talking about dental surgery afterwards and it will go into his brain the same. He gets the adult got. That's what he's after.

It changes the matrix of the situation from his consequence for disobeying to an adult being put in the hot seat and then intense one to one. It is brilliant BUT he didn't invent it. Many lil creeps before him have tried the projection deflection. He's just been successful enough to try it on someone other than family.

Nan-

I have to tell you that I sometimes didn't get what you were saying until someone directed me to a couple of your Youtube videos. That put things into a different perspective for me, because "in person" you come off much sweeter than how your posts could be read. You have a very sunny, friendly way of saying things, but in writing, that can easily be missed.

[makap]

Originally Posted by JoseyJo

Thank you so much Nanny De!

I have a little one who just turned 3 yo. Every time he gets redirected or has to do anything he doesn't want he starts crying "mommy, mommy" and does a little fit for about 30 sec to a minute, then does whatever I want. - It happens at least 20 times every day! Today when he started it I said "mommy, mommy, mommy" (not in a teasing way or anything, just saying the word) and he looked at me like I was crazy, then just did what I asked! Every time he started it up again I started saying or singing the word. He only tired it a handful of times, then he just started doing what I wanted happily without having to do the cry/mommy thing first.

Thanks so much!

To be honest, I have used this in the past for example with whining. In a whiny voice back I have said, I can't understand you.....or if a child has done the pretend cry thing with no tears to get their way, I would pretend to cry back and it does work. But to nickname him “you hurt me" and to call him that every day all day long and pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too? That phrase being the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning? I do not agree with this.

I have to say that I love you and almost all of your advice nannyde :-) but this I could not do.

[Sugar Magnolia]

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by SilverSabre25

No. That tactic seems entirely, incredibly disrespectful. i could never do that, not in a million years. Doesn't matter how well it works. It crosses a line.

Just...no.

It works great and zero conflict. I likey :-)

[jenn]

I don't think of that as mocking or bullying, it is just taking the power out of his statement. If the statement he is making does not get a reaction or does not get the reaction he wants, it takes the power out of it and means nothing.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

I nickname the kids and I don't talk much about it to the parents. They have their own nicknames I think. Never asked.

I nickname all the kids. My last batch were Tink, Bam, JButter, MyZay, Dash, One, MStone and Blue Isaac on Wi (Blue for short). It sometimes comes to me quickly and most often it evolves.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

Oh it wouldn't be a secret. I would be saying it in front of them, by email, and text.

If I had a kid claiming I hurt them their parent would know five seconds later by text, skype, email, carrier pidgeon... whatever was the fastest.

[sharlan]

I recently went through something similar with my 3 1/2 yo. She was coming up with all sorts of stories - Daddy choked me at breakfast - Mommy ran over me with her car - I have snakes in my hair - Mommy kicked me in the face - Mommy got mad and punched me - Mommy, Daddy, Grandma pinched me.

I talked to both of the parents about the stories, divorced parents who don't always get along, and how upset I was about them. I wasn't sure she wasn't going home and saying that I was hurting her somehow. Both parents assured me that she hadn't said anything about me hurting her and hadn't heard the stories at home.

I sat down with her a couple of times and told her that it wasn't nice to make up stories about people hurting her. We talked about the difference between real and make believe. We talked about how she needed to tell an adult if she was really hurt, but not to make up stories about being hurt.

Thankfully, it stopped right away.

Personally, I would NEVER encourage one of my kids to tease another one.

[Sugar Magnolia]

Originally Posted by sharlan

I recently went through something similar with my 3 1/2 yo. She was coming up with all sorts of stories - Daddy choked me at breakfast - Mommy ran over me with her car - I have snakes in my hair - Mommy kicked me in the face - Mommy got mad and punched me - Mommy, Daddy, Grandma pinched me.

I talked to both of the parents about the stories, divorced parents who don't always get along, and how upset I was about them. I wasn't sure she wasn't going home and saying that I was hurting her somehow. Both parents assured me that she hadn't said anything about me hurting her and hadn't heard the stories at home.

I sat down with her a couple of times and told her that it wasn't nice to make up stories about people hurting her. We talked about the difference between real and make believe. We talked about how she needed to tell an adult if she was really hurt, but not to make up stories about being hurt.

Thankfully, it stopped right away.

Personally, I would NEVER encourage one of my kids to tease another one.

This! Absolutely agree!
OP, please talk to the parents.

[Brooksie]

Originally Posted by SilverSabre25

That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.

OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.

Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."

Agree with this. DO NOT "beat him to the punch". That is not good advice. At all. Its very disrespectful and is only going to make things worse. Or it stands on the same plane as actually hurting him. It might actually make him stop faster, but its going to have much longer lasting negative affects on him socially and emotionally. Do the right thing. please.

[MissAnn]

We haven't had a "discussion" for awhile! Anyway, I'm not going to pass judgement. Nannyde has a relationship with the kids. I for one am very sarcastic with the kids. It develops over time. Some people are surprised at my sarcasm. It works for us. Nannyde has her ways....and the kids "get her"....I would like to see how this works in one of Nannyde's videos. Written descriptions don't portray the reality as well as a video would.

If you think it's horrible, it won't work for you. Find something that suits your own childcare philosophy.

[MizzCheryl]

I would be careful telling kids they are telling a lie. When they repeat that back to you or their parents it might not sound as nice as you thought it sounded when you said it to them.

I do like having the kids chime in. Kids learn from other kids very fast. Positive peer pressure rocks.

[JoseyJo]

Originally Posted by MizzCheryl

I would be careful telling kids they are telling a lie. When they repeat that back to you or their parents it might not sound as nice as you thought it sounded when you said it to them.

I do like having the kids chime in. Kids learn from other kids very fast. Positive peer pressure rocks.

Agreed!

[SilverSabre25]

Originally Posted by MizzCheryl

I would be careful telling kids they are telling a lie. When they repeat that back to you or their parents it might not sound as nice as you thought it sounded when you said it to them.

I do like having the kids chime in. Kids learn from other kids very fast. Positive peer pressure rocks.

Originally Posted by JoseyJo

Agreed!

Okay then.

Say "not telling the truth" or "not true" or "fib" or "falsehood" or "tall tale" or WHATEVER...it's still accurate (assuming you did not in fact hurt their body)

but for the love of all things shiny, WHY is saying the word "lie" WORSE than encouraging teasing, bullying, mocking, and namecalling?

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

Originally Posted by SilverSabre25

Okay then.

Say "not telling the truth" or "not true" or "fib" or "falsehood" or "tall tale" or WHATEVER...it's still accurate (assuming you did not in fact hurt their body)

but for the love of all things shiny, WHY is saying the word "lie" WORSE than encouraging teasing, bullying, mocking, and namecalling?

You say it's mocking. I say it's changing the subject. You are assuming their is some kind of meaness or nastiness. If done with the right tone and consistency during the dilution phase it is completely painless.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by MissAnn

We haven't had a "discussion" for awhile! Anyway, I'm not going to pass judgement. Nannyde has a relationship with the kids. I for one am very sarcastic with the kids. It develops over time. Some people are surprised at my sarcasm. It works for us. Nannyde has her ways....and the kids "get her"....I would like to see how this works in one of Nannyde's videos. Written descriptions don't portray the reality as well as a video would.

If you think it's horrible, it won't work for you. Find something that suits your own childcare philosophy.

Watch the brown disc video. That's the tone.

[JoseyJo]

Originally Posted by SilverSabre25

Okay then.

Say "not telling the truth" or "not true" or "fib" or "falsehood" or "tall tale" or WHATEVER...it's still accurate (assuming you did not in fact hurt their body)

but for the love of all things shiny, WHY is saying the word "lie" WORSE than encouraging teasing, bullying, mocking, and namecalling?

Not saying the word "lie" is a bad word- just that the sentence- "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."- depending on the tone, may sound really bad coming back out of a child's mouth. When I read that sentence I read into it a lot of attitude and a tone of voice I wouldn't want any of my dc parents to hear me using w/ their child. It may be that you don't say it that way at all.

I guess it may really depend on the tone, same as the Nanny De advice. I am not sure about calling the child by the word/phrase you dont like or nicknaming them it. I don't really understand how that would work/help. But I DO I think there is more to it than we are understanding by reading about it.

I would NEVER tease, mock, bully, or name call anyone, let alone a child! And I would never encourage anyone to tease anyone else. I was bullied as a child and will not stand for it!

To me it seems like it would work the same as saying something really silly when a child asks for the 100th time what we are having for lunch. Taking the power out of the question (that is not really a question after you have answered it the first time, it is just an inappropriate attention getter) by making it into something more appropriate.

- On a side note- My "mommy, mommy" little one started it up after nap when he was still tired but needed to head to the bathroom to go potty (we are potty training I started singing the silly mommy mommy song and he stopped the whine/cry and started singing it with me, giggled, and said I was silly Then he went in and went potty and when about his day!

[MizzCheryl]

Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

As a parent I would think, this lady is a genius, wow I am lucky to have her as my childcare provider. Then I would say, "Come on Hermie, lets go home".

[Heidi]

Originally Posted by nannyde

Watch the brown disc video. That's the tone.

Can we have a link...please?

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia

This! Absolutely agree!
OP, please talk to the parents.

Shug there are kids who you can tell to knock it off. That's a good start. But read the op a couple of times. ALL of it. That kid is not one of them. That kid has been told already.

Here's the root behavior: kid as a new one year old starts getting handsy with Mom...slaps her two handed then one handed over time. He bites her shoulder then moves upward over time to her neck then face. He flails and kicks when she has him go down or away. Every time he does that from one to two she says: stop you are hurting mommy. Every time he hears her words to stop he bursts into crying. By 2 and a half he's escalated it to kicking her and pulling on her. She says over and over... stop you're hurting mommy. When he implodes with crying she HUGS HIM... softens her voice and coddles him. Every time he's in trouble for being physical with her the end game is cuddling and apologies from mommy who has just been whacked.

That goes on until HE can talk. When HE can talk he is bigger and stronger. Now he can put force into his refusals. When he gets physical with her or she has to intercede between him and harms way he cries out YOU HURT ME. The bigger the resistance ... the stronger he refuses her intercession the more she ends up hugging him and trying to settle him.

So by the time he's three he associates “you hurt me" with two things... adult affection and the no that got him with adults hands on him to go away or be blindsided by the topic HE wants the tables to turn to... the adult.

When he gets out into public or to any non parental units he gets even more. The reaction other adults give to him is fear. He doesn't understand it but he learns really quickly that whatever he did or doesn't want to do stops dead cold with those three little words. 3 years old with 3 little words can ruin someone's livlihood and even freedom.

By the time he lays that one on a non parent he gets immediately that the reaction is super intense and immediate. He doesn't know why buthe knows... human baby animals smell fear before they can spell fear.

So my response is to throw him completely off balance. Give him FOREIGN response. Give him something he's never seen before... but most of all get him back to the no that brought us all here in the first place.

That's what I'm after. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to counsel him out of it. I don't want in his gig. I don't want any bit of my energy to go to his three words. I get those words to do with as I see fit. I decide their weight. I can't leave them lying around for him to pick back up and hurl them at my freedom... my ability to raise my kid... my nurses license.

Nope... I own them now.

So I choose to turn them into SOMETHING that I can use each and every time he brings them out to play. In fact, I will bring them out to play... and eventually they will become a.part of us... a part of a layered inside joke that we just get. By the time we are done with it it won't look a bit like it did when he brought it into my house. And in the meantime he will learn that the cycle that taught him to get his way and get him loads of lovins and oh hunnies... doesn't work everywhere.It gets him nothing but what he was getting before he said those words. That's the seat I want him to sit in.

[makap]

Originally Posted by nannyde

You say it's mocking. I say it's changing the subject. You are assuming their is some kind of meaness or nastiness. If done with the right tone and consistency during the dilution phase it is completely painless.

Now I get it! Now I agree. Yes! And I too have done it. It is not done to be mean which I could never do to a child, It is a form of redirection!

[makap]

Originally Posted by nannyde

Shug there are kids who you can tell to knock it off. That's a good start. But read the op a couple of times. ALL of it. That kid is not one of them. That kid has been told already.

Here's the root behavior: kid as a new one year old starts getting handsy with Mom...slaps her two handed then one handed over time. He bites her shoulder then moves upward over time to her neck then face. He flails and kicks when she has him go down or away. Every time he does that from one to two she says: stop you are hurting mommy. Every time he hears her words to stop he bursts into crying. By 2 and a half he's escalated it to kicking her and pulling on her. She says over and over... stop you're hurting mommy. When he implodes with crying she HUGS HIM... softens her voice and coddles him. Every time he's in trouble for being physical with her the end game is cuddling and apologies from mommy who has just been whacked.

That goes on until HE can talk. When HE can talk he is bigger and stronger. Now he can put force into his refusals. When he gets physical with her or she has to intercede between him and harms way he cries out YOU HURT ME. The bigger the resistance ... the stronger he refuses her intercession the more she ends up hugging him and trying to settle him.

So by the time he's three he associates “you hurt me" with two things... adult affection and the no that got him with adults hands on him to go away or be blindsided by the topic HE wants the tables to turn to... the adult.

When he gets out into public or to any non parental units he gets even more. The reaction other adults give to him is fear. He doesn't understand it but he learns really quickly that whatever he did or doesn't want to do stops dead cold with those three little words. 3 years old with 3 little words can ruin someone's livlihood and even freedom.

By the time he lays that one on a non parent he gets immediately that the reaction is super intense and immediate. He doesn't know why buthe knows... human baby animals smell fear before they can spell fear.

So my response is to throw him completely off balance. Give him FOREIGN response. Give him something he's never seen before... but most of all get him back to the no that brought us all here in the first place.

That's what I'm after. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to counsel him out of it. I don't want in his gig. I don't want any bit of my energy to go to his three words. I get those words to do with as I see fit. I decide their weight. I can't leave them lying around for him to pick back up and hurl them at my freedom... my ability to raise my kid... my nurses license.

Nope... I own them now.

So I choose to turn them into SOMETHING that I can use each and every time he brings them out to play. In fact, I will bring them out to play... and eventually they will become a.part of us... a part of a layered inside joke that we just get. By the time we are done with it it won't look a bit like it did when he brought it into my house. And in the meantime he will learn that the cycle that taught him to get his way and get him loads of lovins and oh hunnies... doesn't work everywhere.It gets him nothing but what he was getting before he said those words. That's the seat I want him to sit in.

NOW I get it and oh yes!! This!

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Heidi

Can we have a link...please?

I can't link from my phone but search daycare Whisperer brown disk hoax

[makap]

Originally Posted by nannyde

I can't link from my phone but search daycare Whisperer brown disk hoax

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hnfxh2W2G4w

[Heidi]

Originally Posted by nannyde

Watch the brown disc video. That's the tone.

I just watched it and it absolutely supports my earlier post. You come off WAY differently "in person" than in writing.

If you're a NanDe doubter, please watch the video. Then, whenever your face goes upon reading her posts, think about her tone in the video, and it'll connect.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Heidi

I just watched it and it absolutely supports my earlier post. You come off WAY differently "in person" than in writing.

If you're a NanDe doubter, please watch the video. Then, whenever your face goes upon reading her posts, think about her tone in the video, and it'll connect.

I love that video. They had never had girl scout cookies so they didn't know what they were.

Ahhh the moment when ONE realizes he's being punked. :-) Doesn't get any better than that.

Originally Posted by nannyde

I love that video. They had never had girl scout cookies so they didn't know what they were.

Ahhh the moment when ONE realizes he's being punked. :-) Doesn't get any better than that.

Nan , you are simply the best !

[Starburst]

Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is something this childs parents will enjoy?

Well I guess "Hermie" could be short for Herman or a hermit (like a kid that keeps to themselves or is shy). My family always called me a hermit (and "crabby") because I hardly left my room.

I used to give some of the kids at the daycare I worked at nicknames. I called one little girl named Taylor-roo because when I would wake her up from her name she always jumped up into my arms like a little Kangaroo. She lit up every time I would call her that. She once even said her nickname {with no prompting} like Scooby-Doo says his name; it was so cute! Some of the other teachers thought it was cute and called her that too. Another girl was "Bella-Boo", another one Geegers (her name was Giovanna usually went by Gigi). I always called my cousin's son Jaybird (his name is Jaydon), my mom thought it was cute and even calls him that sometimes and he always laughs when her hears it.

I think in most cases a nickname makes them feel special, as long as its done in a loving way. Though I personally wouldn't give them a nickname due to bad behavior, in some ways it can be seen as positive punishment and as a form of shaming, in other ways it can be seen as rewarding them with a new nickname that they may actually like and try to live up to(kids often try to live up to labels adults give them {both good and bad}, as the "troublemaker" in another thread pointed out). I only give kids nicknames when they do something cute/funny/cool or because they are just so awesome .

I get what your saying about if the parents found out about the nickname and how upset they would be but from what I have observed on Nannyde's site it usually seems that 'what happens in daycare, stays in daycare' and that they are taught from the beginning that home and daycare are different and never shall the two meet (especially with the 'buh-bye outside' program) .

[Lefse&Kids]

I have to say, that while the nickname suggestion may work and be funny, I will never do it and I hope OP doesn't either. Here's why...

I have experiences too close to home concerning child abuse and the children not speaking up about it for one reason and another. Just know that it can seriously harm the child by taking the power out the phrase, SERIOUSLY. How about taking the power out the situation instead?

My own son has tried this whole "stop hurting me!" many times, I get down to his level and say "ok, I'm sorry if that hurt. would you like a hug?" (I say it very point blank and open my arms with warm, no so much with "oh poor baby" feeling...and sometimes he'll take the hug, other times he'll say no), THEN I put him in time out with no interaction (other than putting him back in the spot when he gets up). When time out is done, I'll ask if he'd like a hug (again sometimes yes or no).

He serves his time out, his feelings are validated (fake or not), but he doesn't get away with any of it.

Works here with all the kids...

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Lefse&Kids

I have to say, that while the nickname suggestion may work and be funny, I will never do it and I hope OP doesn't either. Here's why...

I have experiences too close to home concerning child abuse and the children not speaking up about it for one reason and another. Just know that it can seriously harm the child by taking the power out the phrase, SERIOUSLY. How about taking the power out the situation instead?

My own son has tried this whole "stop hurting me!" many times, I get down to his level and say "ok, I'm sorry if that hurt. would you like a hug?" (I say it very point blank and open my arms with warm, no so much with "oh poor baby" feeling...and sometimes he'll take the hug, other times he'll say no), THEN I put him in time out with no interaction (other than putting him back in the spot when he gets up). When time out is done, I'll ask if he'd like a hug (again sometimes yes or no).

He serves his time out, his feelings are validated (fake or not), but he doesn't get away with any of it.

Works here with all the kids...

You are apologizing to him for something that didn't happen and then hugging him. THAT'S what gets them to go beyond you and do it to the next adult. If he says to mommy you hurt me he doesn't get fear as a reaction. He gets special lovins. When he does it to ANYBODY that is in a care position he is putting THEM at risk.
To me, the child's growth and development is way way down in the list in these deals. Think about the poor adult who gets this flung her way. Think about the OP and HER children.

Whatever happens after he's hugged really doesn't matter to me. Once he's been acknowledged with an I'm sorry and a hug the damage is done.

[Leanna]

Originally Posted by nannyde

It's a dilution method where you take the phrase and give it s nonsensical meaning.. then shorten down even further

I would call him "you hut me" then "u hermie" then hermie. He would be called Hermie till he went to kindy here. :-)

I've done this technique a ton of times and it works great. I'm in charge of nicknames in my little world and I'm brilliant at it.

I wouldn't spend a second correcting him when he accuses. Kids do what works and those are some pretty powerful words. I would release the power from those words and then... once cured... I would model hurt to him. I would not ever try to tell him to not say it. He's been to that rodeo and he loves loves loves the adult reaction. He would be thrown off kilter Iif we used the power for silly instead of the power he has gotten of getting the adult to DO him.

To the OP, I implore you to please disregard the above advice! This is NOT a "method" or "technique" that is developmentally appropriate or based on any understanding of child development.

There is a difference between methods that are used for guidance and discipline that are based on an understanding of young children and their development and tactics that are used solely for the providers convenience, preference, or as a means for looking out for themselves first.

There are ways to provide appropriate limitations, boundaries, and consequences for behavior and still preserve your own well-being, etc. If you are concerned that the child will make unfair claims about being hurt, for example, you could immediately inform the parent each and every time the child says this, document thoroughly and accurately what happened before, during, and after each of these claims is made, be vigilant about keeping your daily health check up to date, DO teach the child the difference between truth and lies, & conference with the parents. If you are still concerned, you could even go as far as videotaping yourself or inviting your sub to come and observe as a witness.

Many times, doing what is best for the child is not easy. It is time consuming and it can be tempting to do what is easiest for the adult. In no way am I saying you have to sacrifice your own sanity and well-being, I am saying there are ways to take care of both the child and yourself that do not involve engaging in practices that are questionable at best and even potentially harmful.

[Cradle2crayons]

Originally Posted by Leanna

To the OP, I implore you to please disregard the above advice! This is NOT a "method" or "technique" that is developmentally appropriate or based on any understanding of child development.

There is a difference between methods that are used for guidance and discipline that are based on an understanding of young children and their development and tactics that are used solely for the providers convenience, preference, or as a means for looking out for themselves first.

There are ways to provide appropriate limitations, boundaries, and consequences for behavior and still preserve your own well-being, etc. If you are concerned that the child will make unfair claims about being hurt, for example, you could immediately inform the parent each and every time the child says this, document thoroughly and accurately what happened before, during, and after each of these claims is made, be vigilant about keeping your daily health check up to date, DO teach the child the difference between truth and lies, & conference with the parents. If you are still concerned, you could even go as far as videotaping yourself or inviting your sub to come and observe as a witness.

Many times, doing what is best for the child is not easy. It is time consuming and it can be tempting to do what is easiest for the adult. In no way am I saying you have to sacrifice your own sanity and well-being, I am saying there are ways to take care of both the child and yourself that do not involve engaging in practices that are questionable at best and even potentially harmful.

Absolutely agree

[Lefse&Kids]

OP, I do also tell them they are not hurt. Lies are not ignored but addressed at that time... but to take a powerful statement (in my opinion it is powerful) to essentially nothing is not a reliable method to me. I get the idea of the method Nannyde uses, but I still disagree for my reason posted earlier.

Two parents told me last week how well their kids played with others, and told me they think I do a great job helping with their social skills. So it does work HERE. Whether it will work for you or not, I don't know.

Children do what works to get their way and what they want/need. And while children can become natural masters of adult manipulation quickly.....as adults, sometimes its not a game to play.

----------------------------------

"Think about the poor adult who gets this flung her way. Think about the OP and HER children."

I know you disagree Nannyde, I told her what works for our daycare and my opinion the alternate methods suggested. She'll choose what works for her and what is in the best interest of the child(ren) there.

btw, watched the video referenced, so cute

I do actually do a little mocking myself. The kids end up seeing how silly they sound, and sometimes at lunch will beg me to "do me, do me". They all have their signature phrases: "I don't WAAAAAAAANT to" or "I don't like it here". I'll put on a whiny voice like the one that defines them, and use it until they are giggling...they know how silly they sound, and the phrase gets used a LOT less. The kids aren't scarred for life, but they do learn about how they sound when they do it, and they agree that it's not going to get them anything but a laugh.

[skipper]

Have you spoken to the child's parents about this OP? I think that's the very first thing you should do because chances are if he's saying it to you, he's saying the same to them at home when he doesn't get his way.
Next I would say no, I didn't hurt you, . You hurt your friend when you threw the toy, now sit here and cool off.
If he continues to say it I'd simply ignore it and have a chat with the parents at pick up.
He's 2, tomorrow he'll be on to something else.

Originally Posted by Leanna

To the OP, I implore you to please disregard the above advice! This is NOT a "method" or "technique" that is developmentally appropriate or based on any understanding of child development.

There is a difference between methods that are used for guidance and discipline that are based on an understanding of young children and their development and tactics that are used solely for the providers convenience, preference, or as a means for looking out for themselves first.

There are ways to provide appropriate limitations, boundaries, and consequences for behavior and still preserve your own well-being, etc. If you are concerned that the child will make unfair claims about being hurt, for example, you could immediately inform the parent each and every time the child says this, document thoroughly and accurately what happened before, during, and after each of these claims is made, be vigilant about keeping your daily health check up to date, DO teach the child the difference between truth and lies, & conference with the parents. If you are still concerned, you could even go as far as videotaping yourself or inviting your sub to come and observe as a witness.

Many times, doing what is best for the child is not easy. It is time consuming and it can be tempting to do what is easiest for the adult. In no way am I saying you have to sacrifice your own sanity and well-being, I am saying there are ways to take care of both the child and yourself that do not involve engaging in practices that are questionable at best and even potentially harmful.

I agree 100%.

OP please do not mock the child, give them some ridiculous nick name, or encourage the other children to do the same.

Speak to his parents. When he says you hurt him, tell him you didn't. If he doesn't want you touching him he will have to a) avoid time out to start with by listening or b) go to time out on his own when he is told to. Claiming you have hurt him should get him another minute or two in time out for trying to manipulate you.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

OP please do not mock the child, give them some ridiculous nick name, or encourage the other children to do the same.

Speak to his parents. When he says you hurt him, tell him you didn't. If he doesn't want you touching him he will have to a) avoid time out to start with by listening or b) go to time out on his own when he is told to. Claiming you have hurt him should get him another minute or two in time out for trying to manipulate you.

If he doesn't want you touching him he can tell his Mom, Dad, Granny, and the child abuse investigators that you hurt him. Just the accusation is enough to start a series of events that will rock your world. Him going to time out will be put along the wayside immediately when those words hit the ears of someone who can start the series of events. It wouldn't matter if he said that when you were moving him from point a to point b or serving him up a second helping of Spaghetti O's. Same consequence.

Originally Posted by nannyde

If he doesn't want you touching him he can tell his Mom, Dad, Granny, and the child abuse investigators that you hurt him. Just the accusation is enough to start a series of events that will rock your world. Him going to time out will be put along the wayside immediately when those words hit the ears of someone who can start the series of events. It wouldn't matter if he said that when you were moving him from point a to point b or serving him up a second helping of Spaghetti O's. Same consequence.

So instead you mock the child, and encourage others to mock him as well. You can call it whatever you want, put whatever spin on it you want. It's mocking, it's bullying and you encourage others to do it, too. That is incredibly unprofessional.

OP, PLEASE speak to the parents about this child's inclination to say you hurt him when he is unhappy with you. He might just do it at home, too.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

So instead you mock the child, and encourage others to mock him as well. You can call it whatever you want, put whatever spin on it you want. It's mocking, it's bullying and you encourage others to do it, too. That is incredibly unprofessional.

OP, PLEASE speak to the parents about this child's inclination to say you hurt him when he is unhappy with you. He might just do it at home, too.

No it's not.

If this would have happened at my house on the day the OP posted this, by now we would all be calling him Herm the Worm or something rhyming like that.

Just because a concept is a different approach from us bowing down to these fragile little creatures with paper thin egos, it doesn't mean it's cruel. IIt's a technique that changes the subject and removes the power of the words. It's simple and there are zero .... none... nada zip... repercussions.

Think outside the box. It's a light hearted teasing which never hurt a kid. In my world we tease each other. We do word plays. We make up our own words and everybody gets nicknamed... usually many over the years.

[daycare]

Originally Posted by nannyde

No it's not.

If this would have happened at my house on the day the OP posted this, by now we would all be calling him Herm the Worm or something rhyming like that.

Just because a concept is a different approach from us bowing down to these fragile little creatures with paper thin egos, it doesn't mean it's cruel. IIt's a technique that changes the subject and removes the power of the words. It's simple and there are zero .... none... nada zip... repercussions.

Think outside the box. It's a light hearted teasing which never hurt a kid. In my world we tease each other. We do word plays. We make up our own words and everybody gets nicknamed... usually many over the years.

my kids love when I give them nicknames.......they know that I love them and I think for them it becomes like a pet name. Just like when you call your loved ones sugar-pie, , munchkin, or whatever you call him or her....

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by daycare

my kids love when I give them nicknames.......they know that I love them and I think for them it becomes like a pet name. Just like when you call your loved ones sugar-pie, , munchkin, or whatever you call him or her....

Cheese Head
Cheese Fry
Critter
Critter Fry
Blue
Blue Isaac
Blue Issac on Wii
Jingle
Jingleheimer
John Jacob
John Jacob Jingle Heimer
Bruddah
JBruddah
JButter
Zay
MyZay
Breen
Ahbahreena
Me
MeMe
MeMeDe
Pebbles
Tink
Bam
Mo
Badelia
Dealz
Chilli
Chilli Bean
Nah
Nah Nah
Nah Nah Nu Nu
Bratahleigh
Spud
Sam Boy
Sam Girl
Moo
MooStone
Coley-oley-ravioli
Boo
BooYuckky

and on and on and on

I'm always perplexed when the parents continue to call them by their given names after I've gifted them with such stellar nicknames.

[daycare]

Hahahah that's a list
I've read your website letter to cheesehead. So heartfelt and just adorable.

[Starburst]

Originally Posted by daycare

my kids love when I give them nicknames.......they know that I love them and I think for them it becomes like a pet name. Just like when you call your loved ones sugar-pie, , munchkin, or whatever you call him or her....

Sometimes I call kids Kinder Liebeschön (German Kinder= Child; Liebeschön= Love/Lovely; roughly means 'Lovey Child') or sometimes Kinder Strudel (roughly translates to "Sweet Child"). I'm not German, but I thought they sound cute and kids think it sounds funny (and your kinda teaching them another language too).

[Familycare71]

Originally Posted by nannyde

Cheese Head
Cheese Fry
Critter
Critter Fry
Blue
Blue Isaac
Blue Issac on Wii
Jingle
Jingleheimer
John Jacob
John Jacob Jingle Heimer
Bruddah
JBruddah
JButter
Zay
MyZay
Breen
Ahbahreena
Me
MeMe
MeMeDe
Pebbles
Tink
Bam
Mo
Badelia
Dealz
Chilli
Chilli Bean
Nah
Nah Nah
Nah Nah Nu Nu
Bratahleigh
Spud
Sam Boy
Sam Girl
Moo
MooStone
Coley-oley-ravioli
Boo
BooYuckky

and on and on and on

I'm always perplexed when the parents continue to call them by their given names after I've gifted them with such stellar nicknames.

Shhh- don't tell.... But I give nicknames when I don't like their given name!!
And don't forget One!! I love how he lights up when you sing for him!!

[Meeko]

Originally Posted by nannyde

No it's not.

If this would have happened at my house on the day the OP posted this, by now we would all be calling him Herm the Worm or something rhyming like that.

Just because a concept is a different approach from us bowing down to these fragile little creatures with paper thin egos, it doesn't mean it's cruel. IIt's a technique that changes the subject and removes the power of the words. It's simple and there are zero .... none... nada zip... repercussions.

Think outside the box. It's a light hearted teasing which never hurt a kid. In my world we tease each other. We do word plays. We make up our own words and everybody gets nicknamed... usually many over the years.

Amen!

So tired of people acting as if toddlers are made of bone china emotionally. A generation of namby-pamby, self-absorbed kids are on their way to being the adults who will take care of us in our old age. We should be terrified.

I tease my daycare kids too. Always with a smile and a jolly demeaner. Takes the threat that they just tried to make and turns it into nothing.

None are scarred for life. They are healthy little people who for the most part are respectful and well-adjusted. A child does NOT need to be taught that the universe revolves around them. In fact they should be clearly taught that it DOESN'T.

Who is the idiot who one day decided that adults must fawn over a child in order for them to be confident?

And parents and caregivers who apologize to a child for something they didn't even do????? Good grief!!!

I am so appalled by many of the comments posted on this thread. Much of it sounds self-aggrandizing and judgmental, rather than focusing on helping children. I applaud those that pointed out that shaming and bullying is not a positive part of early childhood education. If you have a problem, why not try a bit of research? I happened across this thread when searching for information on hypersensitivity to touch in autistic children (on the spectrum), many of whom are highly functioning, very smart toddlers. My 3 yr old grandson is like this, and at times he says "that hurt me" when he is touched, taken by the arm, when a new piece of clothing is put on him, or a variety of other situations. Sometimes, the amount of (over) stimulus coming in from other sources, such as noise, or emotion triggers this. After encountering this, the next thing I would do after researching the issue is observe and evaluate, speak with your supervisor, and then perhaps talk with the parents, if appropriate. At this age, there surely are many undiagnosed children who are on the spectrum. There are ways to deal with this "touching" problem without shaming. With mine, squatting down on his level and asking him to come often works. But the bottom line is that an over-stimulated, touch-sensitive child will often not be able to comply.

[Former Teacher]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I am so appalled by many of the comments posted on this thread. Much of it sounds self-aggrandizing and judgmental, rather than focusing on helping children. I applaud those that pointed out that shaming and bullying is not a positive part of early childhood education. If you have a problem, why not try a bit of research? I happened across this thread when searching for information on hypersensitivity to touch in autistic children (on the spectrum), many of whom are highly functioning, very smart toddlers. My 3 yr old grandson is like this, and at times he says "that hurt me" when he is touched, taken by the arm, when a new piece of clothing is put on him, or a variety of other situations. Sometimes, the amount of (over) stimulus coming in from other sources, such as noise, or emotion triggers this. After encountering this, the next thing I would do after researching the issue is observe and evaluate, speak with your supervisor, and then perhaps talk with the parents, if appropriate. At this age, there surely are many undiagnosed children who are on the spectrum. There are ways to deal with this "touching" problem without shaming. With mine, squatting down on his level and asking him to come often works. But the bottom line is that an over-stimulated, touch-sensitive child will often not be able to comply.

I agree. Not calling people out because they are highly respected here but when I was reading this thread (from 2013 by the way) my mouth was

But we can't always blame the provider. We have to put some blame on the parents who continue to keep these providers in business.

Originally Posted by nannyde

I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.

It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.

If I were a parent and my child came home and told me you did this, I would be furious! Why do you believe in bullying and then condoning this behavior??????

@nannyde: If I were a parent and my child came home and told me that you mocked them or bullied them and allowed the other children to join in, I would be VERY upset. I DO NOT believe in bullying, mocking, name calling or allowing the others to do the same. Also, if my childcare consultant came in and saw this, they would write us up

[e.j.]

When kids have said something like that to me, I've explained why it's important they don't say it unless it's true. I've also let them know they should always tell their parents if an adult really does hit them. My next step has been to speak with the parent at pick up time, with the child standing right there with us so he/she can hear exactly what is being said. I explain to the parent that I know the child was joking (teasing, trying to get attention...) but that I take false accusations like that very seriously because of the obvious repercussions it could create for me. I spell it out for them. The parents have been great and have been quick to reassure me that they know it's not true. I've had two parents tell me they've also been accused of the same thing. In any event, I think it takes the wind out of the kid's sails to see that I'm not afraid to tell his/her parents about the accusation.

[284878]

I recently had this happen to me. As I was changing dcb he started screaming, "you hurt me" when I lifted his feet to wipe. Then he started kicking me. I ignored him and did not react, keep going until I got him wiped. Then I had to step back from the table to let him calm down.

One of the kids keeps asking me why I was hurting him. My first thought was what if a child went home and told their parent that I was hurting this child?

When I told his parents I got "surprised that it did not happen sooner" and "he does that 90% of the time with us" This is what sealed the deal that I had to terminate him. He only did it one other time during the 2-week notice. But since I still did not react, he stopped after a few "you hurt me"

I choose to just ignore because I don't want to add fuel to the fire by giving the child new phrases that he can use to get a negative reaction from another adult (like "you lie").
Most words are just words until we add emotions to them. When you add emotion (including facial expression), you add power to the word and the child. If you don't add the emotion/reaction then you don't give them the power to the child to just throw around the words to get their way.
Just like when a child uses a swear word, if you react negatively and show that it bothers you, the child will keep doing it. If you don't react and pretend they said "truck" instead, it takes the power away from them.