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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Trying To Have Child Call Her Mom
mountainside13 07:20 AM 11-25-2014
I will try to keep this short. Daycare Mom and dad got divorced 2.5 years ago. The dad remarried in October 2014. Dcb (4.5) had a bit of a hard time adjusting once they announced their engagement (1 month engagement), then moving to being here for 1 day a week and at home with her the rest. Fast forward to now, the step mom dropped off and he said bye ***. She corrected him and said no I'm your mommy. He started to cry and said he missed his mommy, the step mom then said of you mean *** (moms name). He said yes ***. Well you will see her later. Now say bye mommy. Is it just me or is that just wrong on so many levels?! I'm not a stepmom and I don't have personal experience with this. I just don't get trying to force a kid to call his stepmother mom/mommy and trying to to get him to call his real/bio mom by her first name.

I am in no way saying that step parents aren't important or anything of the sorts!
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Heidi 07:41 AM 11-25-2014
Does dad drop off or pick up? I would ask him what his thoughts are. Something like "hey, dad, dcb was really upset this morning, and I'm wondering how you guys are handling this situation...."

I had a child in my care with 2 moms. One was "mom", the other "madre'" or something that followed her heritage. I might offer that as a compromise to calling step mom "mom" or by her first name.
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CraftyMom 07:43 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by mountainside13:
I will try to keep this short. Daycare Mom and dad got divorced 2.5 years ago. The dad remarried in October 2014. Dcb (4.5) had a bit of a hard time adjusting once they announced their engagement (1 month engagement), then moving to being here for 1 day a week and at home with her the rest. Fast forward to now, the step mom dropped off and he said bye ***. She corrected him and said no I'm your mommy. He started to cry and said he missed his mommy, the step mom then said of you mean *** (moms name). He said yes ***. Well you will see her later. Now say bye mommy. Is it just me or is that just wrong on so many levels?! I'm not a stepmom and I don't have personal experience with this. I just don't get trying to force a kid to call his stepmother mom/mommy and trying to to get him to call his real/bio mom by her first name.

I am in no way saying that step parents aren't important or anything of the sorts!
That's weird. She's overstepping IMO. Does dcb live there full time? I can see if he had no mom (if she had passed away or wasn't in the picture) But he HAS a mom.

Does he live with the step mom and rarely sees his real mom? Does she know about this? CLearly dcb isn't comfortable with it. Maybe if he WANTED to call her mom, but it doesn't sound that way
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Cradle2crayons 07:50 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by mountainside13:
I will try to keep this short. Daycare Mom and dad got divorced 2.5 years ago. The dad remarried in October 2014. Dcb (4.5) had a bit of a hard time adjusting once they announced their engagement (1 month engagement), then moving to being here for 1 day a week and at home with her the rest. Fast forward to now, the step mom dropped off and he said bye ***. She corrected him and said no I'm your mommy. He started to cry and said he missed his mommy, the step mom then said of you mean *** (moms name). He said yes ***. Well you will see her later. Now say bye mommy. Is it just me or is that just wrong on so many levels?! I'm not a stepmom and I don't have personal experience with this. I just don't get trying to force a kid to call his stepmother mom/mommy and trying to to get him to call his real/bio mom by her first name.

I am in no way saying that step parents aren't important or anything of the sorts!
I would be calling dad ASAP and discussing this. I would have probably said something to step mom also.
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mountainside13 07:59 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by Heidi:
Does dad drop off or pick up? I would ask him what his thoughts are. Something like "hey, dad, dcb was really upset this morning, and I'm wondering how you guys are handling this situation...."

I had a child in my care with 2 moms. One was "mom", the other "madre'" or something that followed her heritage. I might offer that as a compromise to calling step mom "mom" or by her first name.
I haven't talked to dad about it. He usually picks up.

Originally Posted by CraftyMom:
That's weird. She's overstepping IMO. Does dcb live there full time? I can see if he had no mom (if she had passed away or wasn't in the picture) But he HAS a mom.

Does he live with the step mom and rarely sees his real mom? Does she know about this? CLearly dcb isn't comfortable with it. Maybe if he WANTED to call her mom, but it doesn't sound that way
He lives with bio dad and mom equally. Lately he's been with dad a little more because his mom is working 2 jobs and Recently graduated college. I am a little biase because I adore his mom! Dcb really likes her but doesn't want to call her mom. one of his friends here said that's not your mom. He said I know but o have to call her mom. So my guess if he really doesn't want too. I think she is way overstepping. I don't know why this is making me so upset. I've gotten too attached to this family, I know that!
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mountainside13 08:00 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by Cradle2crayons:
I would be calling dad ASAP and discussing this. I would have probably said something to step mom also.
Is it really my place to be telling them what they can it can't do? Yea it makes him uncomfortable but is that enough to step in?
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Cradle2crayons 08:05 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by mountainside13:
Is it really my place to be telling them what they can it can't do? Yea it makes him uncomfortable but is that enough to step in?
It's not about telling them what to do. They are welcome to exhibit that behavior in their own home. But not in mine. She is setting him up to have a crappy day by doing that. Not to mention making drop off difficult, and upsetting him for no reason. That's where I would have the issue. It's emotional abuse and wouldn't be happening at my house.
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mountainside13 08:07 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by Cradle2crayons:
It's not about telling them what to do. They are welcome to exhibit that behavior in their own home. But not in mine. She is setting him up to have a crappy day by doing that. Not to mention making drop off difficult, and upsetting him for no reason. That's where I would have the issue. It's emotional abuse and wouldn't be happening at my house.
Ok! The way you put it makes sense! I didn't see that from my perspective.
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daycare 08:16 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by Cradle2crayons:
It's not about telling them what to do. They are welcome to exhibit that behavior in their own home. But not in mine. She is setting him up to have a crappy day by doing that. Not to mention making drop off difficult, and upsetting him for no reason. That's where I would have the issue. It's emotional abuse and wouldn't be happening at my house.
This is how I see it too. I personally don't think that I would get involved with what DCM is saying to the child, as that is none of my business, I would be more inclined to discuss the fact that she is upsetting the child at drop off and setting the kid off to have bad start to his day. I tell parents to say good-bye outside and to make sure that their child is completely ready to go, which includes emotionally.
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nannyde 08:35 AM 11-25-2014
Stay out of it.
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KidGrind 08:36 AM 11-25-2014
I would just email all 3 parties involved.

Hello Parents,

I’ve thought long and hard on this; I will not be silent concerning Johnny’s emotional health. The incident that happen during drop off is unsettling to me. Johnny seemed stressed and upset when Jane (stepmom) forced him to refer her as mommy. He cried, “I miss my mommy.” Jane’s reply was, “Who are you talking about Susie (bio-mom)? You’ll see her soon.”

I have no issue with Johnny calling both women mommy or by the first names. What all of you have decided as a family is 100% your business. However, my business is children and part of that is their emotional health. I do not wish my business or home used in family matters of that nature in the future. Johnny is an awesome kid and his friends are saddened to seem him so upset.

Thank you for your consideration,

Provider
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craftymissbeth 08:56 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Stay out of it.


The only thing I would mention is making sure drop-offs are as smooth as possible.
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daycarediva 09:18 AM 11-25-2014
I would stay out of it, but I would have said something in that moment. No different than her getting him upset/crying for any other reason at drop off.

I would have taken dcb by the hand and said to step mom "You're upsetting dcb." then to dcb "Dcb, please say goodbye to STEPMOM'S FIRST NAME, so we can start our day."

I really, really disagree with step-mom on this. How confusing for a small child in an already stressful situation.
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mountainside13 09:20 AM 11-25-2014
I have decided to talk to dad at drop off. All I'm going to say is the drop off needs to be quick and smooth.
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daycare 09:27 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I would stay out of it, but I would have said something in that moment. No different than her getting him upset/crying for any other reason at drop off.

I would have taken dcb by the hand and said to step mom "You're upsetting dcb." then to dcb "Dcb, please say goodbye to STEPMOM'S FIRST NAME, so we can start our day."

I really, really disagree with step-mom on this. How confusing for a small child in an already stressful situation.
basically this is what I was saying and agree 100%

We want each child to be setup for success and when they are dropped off an an emotional state, it is not helping them to achieve this goal.
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melilley 10:54 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I would stay out of it, but I would have said something in that moment. No different than her getting him upset/crying for any other reason at drop off.

I would have taken dcb by the hand and said to step mom "You're upsetting dcb." then to dcb "Dcb, please say goodbye to STEPMOM'S FIRST NAME, so we can start our day."

I really, really disagree with step-mom on this. How confusing for a small child in an already stressful situation.


My dh is my dd's step-dad. We have been together since dd was 3, she is now almost 12. I would Never force her to call him dad. We give her a choice and she chooses to call him by his name, but sometimes calls him her step dad or dad (a couple of times for a school project). When/if she chooses to call him dad, it will be on her terms.

I had a step mom who used to make my sister and I call her mom. I hated it, in fact, to this day I can't stand her. My dad passed away so she's not in my life anymore, thank goodness.
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Unregistered 11:02 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by KidGrind:
I would just email all 3 parties involved.

Hello Parents,

I’ve thought long and hard on this; I will not be silent concerning Johnny’s emotional health. The incident that happen during drop off is unsettling to me. Johnny seemed stressed and upset when Jane (stepmom) forced him to refer her as mommy. He cried, “I miss my mommy.” Jane’s reply was, “Who are you talking about Susie (bio-mom)? You’ll see her soon.”

I have no issue with Johnny calling both women mommy or by the first names. What all of you have decided as a family is 100% your business. However, my business is children and part of that is their emotional health. I do not wish my business or home used in family matters of that nature in the future. Johnny is an awesome kid and his friends are saddened to seem him so upset.

Thank you for your consideration,

Provider
I can see staying out of it but NOT when it effects the mental and emotional well being of a child in my care.
This is one of those situation where I think DOES require a provider to be an advocate or voice for the child.

The above conversation/note is spot on!
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Hunni Bee 11:03 AM 11-25-2014
This made me really angry.
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KidGrind 11:15 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by Hunni Bee:
This made me really angry.
Me too.
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midaycare 11:28 AM 11-25-2014
I would stay out of it but that is wrong on so many levels. And I am a stepmom.
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_Dana_ 02:00 PM 11-25-2014
Grrrrrr This makes me very angry as well. My ex used to do something similar with my DS when I got married to my DH. It would invoke a rage that burned deep inside because how it made my DS feel. Like MeLilly, we never forced DS to call him by anything. And always gave him a choice, working to empower him in the situation. These days, DS calls his step-father and bio-father by different names. One is Daddy, and one is Papa. (However, I've when DS is talking to his friends. He refers to his step-dad as his nice dad and his bio-dad as his mean dad b/c he yells at everyone)

Also, it isn't unusual for a child to mix them up as they adjust to the transition.

I probably would've waited to talk to the father in person at pick up to get a feel on his perspective, let him know how it is affecting little Johnny's emotional well-being, and make a suggestion if he is open to it. You letter sounded good tho. I like how you emphasized the Johnny's health, how it affects your business, and the other children.

I hope everyone makes good choices for your DCK's sake. My heart breaks for kids in those situations.
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mountainside13 04:55 PM 11-25-2014
I didn't talk to dad about conversation. Just that he had a hard time at drop off and they need to be brief from now on. It really really bugs me! The whole situation right now.
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TheGoodLife 07:51 PM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by Hunni Bee:
This made me really angry.
Completely! How sad for that poor little boy
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lovemykidstoo 05:33 AM 11-26-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I can see staying out of it but NOT when it effects the mental and emotional well being of a child in my care.
This is one of those situation where I think DOES require a provider to be an advocate or voice for the child.

The above conversation/note is spot on!
YES YES YES!! Someone needs to be this childs voice. Not to exaggerate, but isn't this a form of bullying? Maybe the dad has no clue that she's doing this. I bet mom would not be happy either. At the very least the child is old enough for you to tell him that if it bothers him to talk to his mom about it. I would definately say something though. It would be easy to say to dad, Johnny was upset this morning and this is why. If feel terrible about this little guy. Do you ever see mom? Please reconsider.
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Unregistered 06:15 AM 11-26-2014
Originally Posted by lovemykidstoo:
YES YES YES!! Someone needs to be this childs voice. Not to exaggerate, but isn't this a form of bullying? Maybe the dad has no clue that she's doing this. I bet mom would not be happy either. At the very least the child is old enough for you to tell him that if it bothers him to talk to his mom about it. I would definately say something though. It would be easy to say to dad, Johnny was upset this morning and this is why. If feel terrible about this little guy. Do you ever see mom? Please reconsider.
I agree. Poor kid. As if he doesn't enough to deal with now he has a crazy step mom demanding to take his mothers place. I wonder what other things she expects out of this child. This just may be the tip of the iceberg.... I would contact this child's mother and explain what you saw.
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DaveA 06:31 AM 11-26-2014
I've had to delete and start over a couple of times to avoid coming across angry or harsh. It's not my intention, so if this ends up sounding bad, sorry in advance.

My oldest is my stepson. It amazed me when we got married (he was 8) how many people (from family to coworkers) interjected themselves into how we should handle situations like that one. If she wants to be called Mom & DCD agrees, that's their decision. I understand wanting to make transitions easier but that one is between DCD, stepmom, and son.I would say stay WAY out of it. If you put yourself in the middle of it, don't be surprised if you're told to butt out.

Good Luck
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craftymissbeth 06:43 AM 11-26-2014
Originally Posted by DaveArmour:
I've had to delete and start over a couple of times to avoid coming across angry or harsh. It's not my intention, so if this ends up sounding bad, sorry in advance.

My oldest is my stepson. It amazed me when we got married (he was 8) how many people (from family to coworkers) interjected themselves into how we should handle situations like that one. If she wants to be called Mom & DCD agrees, that's their decision. I understand wanting to make transitions easier but that one is between DCD, stepmom, and son.I would say stay WAY out of it. If you put yourself in the middle of it, don't be surprised if you're told to butt out.

Good Luck

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lovemykidstoo 06:48 AM 11-26-2014
Originally Posted by DaveArmour:
I've had to delete and start over a couple of times to avoid coming across angry or harsh. It's not my intention, so if this ends up sounding bad, sorry in advance.

My oldest is my stepson. It amazed me when we got married (he was 8) how many people (from family to coworkers) interjected themselves into how we should handle situations like that one. If she wants to be called Mom & DCD agrees, that's their decision. I understand wanting to make transitions easier but that one is between DCD, stepmom, and son.I would say stay WAY out of it. If you put yourself in the middle of it, don't be surprised if you're told to butt out.

Good Luck
I totally respect your experience and your opinion. I wonder if DCD is aware and if he is, wonder if he realizes how it upsets his son.
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Heidi 07:36 AM 11-26-2014
Originally Posted by lovemykidstoo:
I totally respect your experience and your opinion. I wonder if DCD is aware and if he is, wonder if he realizes how it upsets his son.
Yes...

I was not suggesting OP run the show, or tell the family what to do. My suggestion is she ASK dad, then give a suggestion if he seemed open to it. He can take it or leave it, and OP will feel like she did her part to look out for this child.
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safechner 07:57 AM 11-26-2014
Originally Posted by DaveArmour:
I've had to delete and start over a couple of times to avoid coming across angry or harsh. It's not my intention, so if this ends up sounding bad, sorry in advance.

My oldest is my stepson. It amazed me when we got married (he was 8) how many people (from family to coworkers) interjected themselves into how we should handle situations like that one. If she wants to be called Mom & DCD agrees, that's their decision. I understand wanting to make transitions easier but that one is between DCD, stepmom, and son.I would say stay WAY out of it. If you put yourself in the middle of it, don't be surprised if you're told to butt out.

Good Luck
I wouldn't want anyone forced my kids to call mom or dad if something happened between me and my husband. I would never allow the woman who wants to be called mom to my kids. She would have to stay out of my kids' life, no matter what she thinks or my husband thinks. That is just me. Let's hope it will never happen between me and my husband. lol I do have a step dad but I called him "dad" on my own decision. To be honestly, I am not too crazy about my step dad. I am glad I am staying away from my parents (780 miles away). I dont get in touch with them very much, anyways. :-)
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Thriftylady 08:32 AM 11-26-2014
That would have made me angry, but of course there isn't much we can do. When DH and I got married, DS was 8 and DD was 2. We let them call him whatever they wanted that was 14 years and their adoption by DH ago lol. DS still calls hubby by his first name, and DD calls him dad now but she used to call her bio dad "dad" and hubby "daddy George". I really wish step parents would let the kids come around in their good time.
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