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Old 08-27-2011, 12:34 AM
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Miss_Mae Miss_Mae is offline
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Default 16 Month Old Girl That CHOKES, GRABS FACE and YANKS HAIR!!! HELP!!

My best friend of 23 years has a 16 month old daughter and I have a 21 month daughter as well. Every time the two girls get together, my girl ends up getting attacked 3-4 times! My friend's girl will just out of the blue, go up to my girl and choke her and grab her face or yank her hair, hard! She has also pinched my baby's chest and twisted the skin! The behavior is malicious and very aggressive. She never seems to register that what she did was wrong and just walks away when she is disciplined. My friend is a good person so i know her girl isn't mimicking these behaviors at all. Her daughter has a lower lip facial paralysis, which i believe happened at birth. It is very noticeable when she smiles. She constantly sucks on two fingers, is very small in stature for her parents' size and i think is behind in speech. My friend has told me she has only taken her daughter to the doctor ONE time when she was an infant.
I believe there could be some brain damage or mental retardation with her daughter and she is in complete denial. Does anyone out there know anything about my friends' baby's condition and could shed some light on the reasons behind her behavior?? I really think this is beyond "normal" toddler aggression......PLEASE HELP!!!!
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Old 08-28-2011, 02:46 PM
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nannyde nannyde is offline
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This is not normal toddler aggression.

I know it's your friend and you have a vested interest in making this work but it can't. You have to understand that your child can't safely play with this child. It's not about your friendship with her Mom. It's not about what you want to do for socializing with your kid, her, her kid on a play date.

It's about the fact that this little girl can't manage being in the same close space with your child without getting violent. You have to do what is best for HER. She shouldn't be exposed to your child because she can't manage it without aggression. Your meetings are too much for her so you have to stop doing it.

Just have an honest discussion with her Mom and tell her that you and your daughter are upsetting her child to the point where she reacts violently. For her daughters sake it's best to not have play dates where the kids CAN be physically close enough to touch each other. When you guys see each other the kids need to either be buckled in a stroller or buckled in a car seat. If there comes a time when the kids need to get out of being buckled in then you have to end the visit.

This is just part of being a parent. Sometimes you have to set limits that are really uncomfortable and make you define specifically what you can and can't do. Sometimes defining what you can and can't do means that you have to specifically say things about someone or their kid that they will be hurt hearing and won't want to accept or abide by.

I don't know about the kids medical condition but in the end it really doesn't affect this decision. You aren't going to be more willing to allow your kid to be attacked if you know the violent kid has medical or retardation issues. She can be the victim of an attack by a normal kid or a kid who has issues... same difference to her. Being scratched, pinched, punched, feels the same whether the kid who does it is medically okay or not.

If this person is a bff then you have to call on that to get her to hear that you want to SEE them but you can't have your kids having physical access to her kid until she has a LONG period of time when she is violence and aggression free.
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Old 08-28-2011, 06:58 PM
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This isn't normal aggression. I think there's something more with both the parents and the child. It isn't normal for a parent to only bring their infant to the doctor 1 time - there are very regular wellness checkups that all doctors recommend for immunizations and milestone checking. The doctor's would have caught this and would have arranged for further medical testing and treatment for this child - the medical condition with the lower lip paralysis would have required pretty regular check ups so the doctors could try to help this child have as normal a life as possible. Had the parents done this, the child would probably be doing much better. I would definately stop the playdates for now. Your child will ultimately suffer and your child will start thinking this is acceptable behavior and you don't want that. I think ultimately that the bulk of the other child's aggression is coming from the inability to speak but only a doctor and a speech therapist can say for sure.
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aggressive behavior, rage baby, violent behaviour

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