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  #1  
Old 02-01-2011, 06:03 AM
bunches
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Default How Much Comfort Does A Newbie Toddler Need

My son is 17 months old, he started going to a daycare facility 2 weeks ago. He had always been home with the granparents. It was very stressful for him being in a daycare. I can see him in a video from work and I see that the teacher does not hold him at all. On the third day I called and explained that being new in the environment, he needs a little bit of comfort and understanding. That day, he was held a lot because I complained. But after that day, teacher was back to her old ways - paying no attention to my son who kept following him begging for attention.

Is it too much to ask to give him some embrace now and then since he needs to feel safe in this new environment? What breaks my heart is when I see the teacher cuddling another child (who happens to be his favorite) while my son is watching wondering when his turn will be - which never came. After cuddling the other boy, the teacher ignores my child. It broke my heart when I saw my child carrying a book running after the teacher because he wants to be read a book - the teacher ignoring him.

I do not want to complain again since that will just make the teacher resentful. I am tempted to just look for another daycare. Is this wise considering it will be another adjustment for my son? But then again, he will be in the company of a teacher who does not care about him for a long time.
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by bunches View Post
My son is 17 months old, he started going to a daycare facility 2 weeks ago. He had always been home with the granparents. It was very stressful for him being in a daycare. I can see him in a video from work and I see that the teacher does not hold him at all. On the third day I called and explained that being new in the environment, he needs a little bit of comfort and understanding. That day, he was held a lot because I complained. But after that day, teacher was back to her old ways - paying no attention to my son who kept following him begging for attention.

Is it too much to ask to give him some embrace now and then since he needs to feel safe in this new environment? What breaks my heart is when I see the teacher cuddling another child (who happens to be his favorite) while my son is watching wondering when his turn will be - which never came. After cuddling the other boy, the teacher ignores my child. It broke my heart when I saw my child carrying a book running after the teacher because he wants to be read a book - the teacher ignoring him.

I do not want to complain again since that will just make the teacher resentful. I am tempted to just look for another daycare. Is this wise considering it will be another adjustment for my son? But then again, he will be in the company of a teacher who does not care about him for a long time.
Your little guy needs to be held and loved while at DC. Can I ask...is he in a large DC or a home daycare? And as far as your child being held...ALL children should be held and loved. I only have 3 children at the moment and ALL my children takes turns being held and loved, sometimes I have all 3 of them on me
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  #3  
Old 02-01-2011, 08:31 AM
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He's in a corporate daycare center although his class is small - there are 5 of them. I notice that after nap time, the original teacher leaves and a substitute or volunteer takes over. To be honest, I look forward to the substitute who I observe pays him more attention.
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:37 AM
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I am sorry to hear that. He needs love and attention and also needs to be encouraged to go play.

It seems that the daycare provider is not wanting to feed into his crying, as she's hoping that he'll just give up and go play. But, I would not feel comfortable leaving my own child at a place like that. He needs to be able to trust his caregivers and needs reassurance that it will be ok, that his needs will be met and that mom is coming back.

I would request a meeting between the director, teacher and yourself. If after that meeting things don't permanently change, I would consider going somewhere else.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:09 AM
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Awww I'm sorry, I have 4 dck's (in my home daycare) and I have NO problem spreading my attention and love, geesh , I can't believe the teacher is aware she is on camera and still continues her un-loving behavior.
I think your right about complaining too much however you have valid complaint.... but center's may no be as receptive , idk....
when you find the right place and caregiver you'll know and your baby will be happy and peaceful.
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:05 PM
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It does sound to me as though you ought to start looking for a new center, while also exploring avenues such as a pp suggested--getting a conference between you, the director, and the teacher.
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Old 02-01-2011, 01:52 PM
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totally unacceptable. I would be absolutely livid if I were you! All kids need love, attention, snuggles....if your little guy needs to be held then the provider should hold him. Period. Now, if after your son has been held, loved on, read to, and given a good amount of one on one time, should he still be following the provider around to get ALL of their undivided attention, that would be a different story.
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:13 PM
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I work in a center and we have 20 kids in our preschool class. Me and another teacher. When kids start they do need extra attention we know this and we have NEVER not cuddled a newbie. We do this all the time. Eventually after a week or 2 they just go run and play.

Maybe this teacher has hit burn out.
As a parent I would think a home daycare would be best for this age of a child. JMHO
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  #9  
Old 02-02-2011, 06:59 AM
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Thanks so much for all your responses. It helps just to know other parents can sympathize. I was at first thinking that it's a daycare approach, like 'weaning' them from being held. But now I am convinced he does need to be cuddled. I will start the process of looking for a new facility. Now I have better idea on what to look for. Thanks again.
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  #10  
Old 02-02-2011, 11:55 AM
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are you watching an entire video or basing this on what you see during the moments when you check in? if someone were to look in on me every so often (even every half hour) there's not a good chance that i could be found holding or hugging my own children at the exact same moment they happened to be looking - that doesn't mean i don't hug/hold them. same goes for daycare kids.

you might see your son chasing the provider with a book and the provider is "ignoring him" because maybe he's already read that book 5,000 times that day. if a provider stopped to read a book or color a picture of play dolls every time that every child asked there would be a lot of starving kids living in a pig pen with some nasty diaper rash.

this is why cameras can be as much of a curse as a blessing.
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  #11  
Old 02-02-2011, 12:18 PM
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I am lucky to be in a kind of job where I am in front of the computer the whole day so I have a small portion of my screen with the video up. Because I had my concerns, I allocated a week where I strictly watched them non-stop.

Do you think that if the book was read 5,000 times that I have not seen even once? Also keep in mind this child has only been in a daycare for 2 weeks (never before in his life).

Being caring and affectionate is instinct - either you have it or you don't. Those who have that instinct are the kind who agrees that toddlers need attention and hugs. Those who do not have it are the ones who need to get defensive when they get caught ignoring a child. Lucky is the parent who finds a facility that hires the right people.

And this is why I only consider facilities that have cameras - to catch the defensive kind.
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  #12  
Old 02-02-2011, 12:56 PM
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I am lucky to be in a kind of job where I am in front of the computer the whole day so I have a small portion of my screen with the video up. Because I had my concerns, I allocated a week where I strictly watched them non-stop.

Do you think that if the book was read 5,000 times that I have not seen even once? Also keep in mind this child has only been in a daycare for 2 weeks (never before in his life).

Being caring and affectionate is instinct - either you have it or you don't. Those who have that instinct are the kind who agrees that toddlers need attention and hugs. Those who do not have it are the ones who need to get defensive when they get caught ignoring a child. Lucky is the parent who finds a facility that hires the right people.

And this is why I only consider facilities that have cameras - to catch the defensive kind.
i asked "are you watching an entire video or basing this on what you see during the moments you check in?"

i would assume it would be checking in or possibly video since if you could watch LIVE (not video) there would probably be no need for daycare - which is why i asked the question.

no provider on the planet is going to give a child the love/affection/attention their own parent or grandparent can/will. after a kid can walk they don't need to be held that often - but sitting with them while they fall asleep, patting their back, rubbing their head, and even talking to them is still showing affection. you gave an example of a child being held and then your child didn't get "a turn" afterward and another example of not having a book read. it doesn't sound like neglect if that's all that was witnessed after watching for a week non-stop.
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Old 02-02-2011, 02:01 PM
bunches
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Being in front of the computer allowed me to watch the whole video, the whole day, for days. Unfortunately my child does need a daycare and I will do everything in my power to find one who agrees with me on the level of affection that a toddler needs.

I firmly believe that the right kind of caregivers are the ones who do not need to argue with on how many times my child needs to be held. I don't have to say once a day, twice a day. It will be their instinct to hold my child when it's needed because they want to. I also believe that not all caregivers who think they have the skill and the emotional intelligence to be one actually does. A lot of caregivers do not need to be there.
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Old 02-02-2011, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by bunches View Post
Being in front of the computer allowed me to watch the whole video, the whole day, for days. Unfortunately my child does need a daycare and I will do everything in my power to find one who agrees with me on the level of affection that a toddler needs.

I firmly believe that the right kind of caregivers are the ones who do not need to argue with on how many times my child needs to be held. I don't have to say once a day, twice a day. It will be their instinct to hold my child when it's needed because they want to. I also believe that not all caregivers who think they have the skill and the emotional intelligence to be one actually does. A lot of caregivers do not need to be there.
i can agree with that, but the "right kind of caregivers" are hard to find in daycare centers. one reason being the turnover is HIGH and FAST and you have no say in who gets hired or fired. secondly, they have the ability to keep the maximum amount of children and pay the minimum amount to the caregivers whose only qualifications consist of a pulse and an 18th birthday - not an instinct to hold toddlers.

more individualized care can be found in family daycare or even moreso with a nanny, but it's hard to find a daycare home who is willing to be under surveillance so there's no way to count how many times a child is held. nannies typically don't mind, but of course they get paid 4-5 times as much.

keep us posted - i'd be interested to know if you're able to find a childcare center whose toddler teacher holds every child, never ignores them, and has a camera.
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Old 02-02-2011, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by bunches View Post
Being in front of the computer allowed me to watch the whole video, the whole day, for days. Unfortunately my child does need a daycare and I will do everything in my power to find one who agrees with me on the level of affection that a toddler needs.

I firmly believe that the right kind of caregivers are the ones who do not need to argue with on how many times my child needs to be held. I don't have to say once a day, twice a day. It will be their instinct to hold my child when it's needed because they want to. I also believe that not all caregivers who think they have the skill and the emotional intelligence to be one actually does. A lot of caregivers do not need to be there.
I love me some "my child" posts. It's so Mama Bear. Dig it

I think it was you who said "And this is why I only consider facilities that have cameras - to catch the defensive kind."

I couldn't agree with you more. Yay for cameras in day care centers.

It's music to my ears. Now you just have video. Wait till you get the audio too. That will REALLY tell you what is going on. Soon enough that technology will be cheap enough for every Center to have it for the parents viewing.

You can't teach "emotional inteligence" and they can't fire for it either. Time to move on to another camera'd facility, get Grandma back to care for him, or get them to switch his room. I would reccomend you not allowing it to go on on day two, three, four, and five as you did this time. This is the kind of thing you pull the kid for IMMEDIATELY after one day.
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Old 02-02-2011, 04:54 PM
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i can agree with that, but the "right kind of caregivers" are hard to find in daycare centers. one reason being the turnover is HIGH and FAST and you have no say in who gets hired or fired. secondly, they have the ability to keep the maximum amount of children and pay the minimum amount to the caregivers whose only qualifications consist of a pulse and an 18th birthday - not an instinct to hold toddlers.

more individualized care can be found in family daycare or even moreso with a nanny, but it's hard to find a daycare home who is willing to be under surveillance so there's no way to count how many times a child is held. nannies typically don't mind, but of course they get paid 4-5 times as much.

keep us posted - i'd be interested to know if you're able to find a childcare center whose toddler teacher holds every child, never ignores them, and has a camera.
If you are a childcare provider, you should change your job - do it quickly too. Your comments show agression and stress - not joy - when you speak about childcare.

Last edited by Michael; 02-02-2011 at 06:10 PM.
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Old 02-02-2011, 05:28 PM
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If you are a childcare provider, you should change your job - do it quickly too. Your comments show agression and stress - not joy - when you speak about childcare.
Yeah Qual

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Old 02-02-2011, 06:21 PM
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Yeah Qual



i actually can agree except i'd add the word "centers" to the end. not that i know anything about centers...
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Old 02-10-2011, 07:25 AM
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Hi there,

A couple of things to begin . . . I am the Mom of two boys 4 and 2. My mother has been a childcare provider for 23 years. She was actually a CPA (accountant) with a Masters degree in economics and dropped a very well paying profession to open a home based day care 18 years ago (when I was off to University, followed by my brother and sister) . She is truly one of those people that LOVE children.She has expanded her day care and has acquired staff over the years. I can truly say that anyone that goes to my mother's day care is very fortunate. So my point . . . .

My first child went to my Mom from 6 months to 20 months of age. He was very happy there and a perfect fit for day care in general. My second child did not fare as well. After, a month or so with my Mom (he was 6 months old) I decided to stay home and did so for 12 months. When I decided to return back to work last Jan we tried my Mom's again, thinking that now our son was older, had been there many, many times with myself and loved her daycare . . . but still day care was not for him. We decided to to get a Nanny and now he is happy as can be. It all came down to this - Some children (and PARENTS) are just not day care material, as they need one on one attention and my second child truly fit this bill. Even with his grandmother and brother there, he did not do well. A day care provider (3 or more) is limited as far as personal attention/holding goes whether we like this or not. Additionally, whether we like to admit this or not, it is human nature to have preferences and WE ALL HAVE THEM. Has the other boy been there longer? Is he family, extra cute or a friend's child? I know this is not fair and may be hard to hear but is very true. Think about yourself. This is one of the reasons that many parents will not have a provider that cares for her own children at the same time. No matter what or despite being the most loving type of provider her children will receive more attention and be treated favorably. Any parent who denies this is lying. Also, you can not force a provider to "love" your child. This bond develops over time (if you are lucky) and telling a provider to hold your child more will just make her resentful of this demand and your child will feel it! Children know and feel what is natural and what is not.

I think parents today are not well informed about what daycare versus Nanny/Babysitting is. They are not one in the same! Day cares will foster growth, social skills and independence. They are responsible for keeping your child safe, fed, changed, and engaged. If the parent is looking for love, comfort, personal attention, cuddling etc. they need to be at home or to hire a Nanny (or at least an at home day care with few children) Even the most loving/caring genuine providers will tell you the same thing. Parents have expectations of day cares that simply can not met due to the number of children cared for as a whole/keeping schedules. Perhaps your child (and yourself) would be a lot happier in a one on one situation . . . I know we were.

I hope you are not offended by my comments. Having both a day care child and a Nanny child . . . I wanted to share my experience and also convey that if you thought/were told your child in day care will be held a lot, conforted you were misled. Food for thought: the average toddler makes 5 requests per minute. You do the Math.
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Old 02-10-2011, 07:34 AM
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You need a Nanny. What you want from your day care center is not a guarentee but a perk that comes with time. You are telling the provider to hug and hold your child? Your child will feel that it is not genuine. Find a one a one situation. I would only want someone to hug my child if THEY GENUINELY WANTED TO HUG/HOLD him themselves.
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  #21  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
Hi there,

A couple of things to begin . . . I am the Mom of two boys 4 and 2. My mother has been a childcare provider for 23 years. She was actually a CPA (accountant) with a Masters degree in economics and dropped a very well paying profession to open a home based day care 18 years ago (when I was off to University, followed by my brother and sister) . She is truly one of those people that LOVE children.She has expanded her day care and has acquired staff over the years. I can truly say that anyone that goes to my mother's day care is very fortunate. So my point . . . .

My first child went to my Mom from 6 months to 20 months of age. He was very happy there and a perfect fit for day care in general. My second child did not fare as well. After, a month or so with my Mom (he was 6 months old) I decided to stay home and did so for 12 months. When I decided to return back to work last Jan we tried my Mom's again, thinking that now our son was older, had been there many, many times with myself and loved her daycare . . . but still day care was not for him. We decided to to get a Nanny and now he is happy as can be. It all came down to this - Some children (and PARENTS) are just not day care material, as they need one on one attention and my second child truly fit this bill. Even with his grandmother and brother there, he did not do well. A day care provider (3 or more) is limited as far as personal attention/holding goes whether we like this or not. Additionally, whether we like to admit this or not, it is human nature to have preferences and WE ALL HAVE THEM. Has the other boy been there longer? Is he family, extra cute or a friend's child? I know this is not fair and may be hard to hear but is very true. Think about yourself. This is one of the reasons that many parents will not have a provider that cares for her own children at the same time. No matter what or despite being the most loving type of provider her children will receive more attention and be treated favorably. Any parent who denies this is lying. Also, you can not force a provider to "love" your child. This bond develops over time (if you are lucky) and telling a provider to hold your child more will just make her resentful of this demand and your child will feel it! Children know and feel what is natural and what is not.

I think parents today are not well informed about what daycare versus Nanny/Babysitting is. They are not one in the same! Day cares will foster growth, social skills and independence. They are responsible for keeping your child safe, fed, changed, and engaged. If the parent is looking for love, comfort, personal attention, cuddling etc. they need to be at home or to hire a Nanny (or at least an at home day care with few children) Even the most loving/caring genuine providers will tell you the same thing. Parents have expectations of day cares that simply can not met due to the number of children cared for as a whole/keeping schedules. Perhaps your child (and yourself) would be a lot happier in a one on one situation . . . I know we were.

I hope you are not offended by my comments. Having both a day care child and a Nanny child . . . I wanted to share my experience and also convey that if you thought/were told your child in day care will be held a lot, conforted you were misled. Food for thought: the average toddler makes 5 requests per minute. You do the Math.
You rock and I think you would be my favorite parent...
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:56 AM
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I appreciate that "you rock" statement.

I just don't think enough parents are informed.

We choose having a Nanny and paying over 2000.00 per month over FREE CARE because that is what our child needed. Yes, we have to sacrifice but having kids means making sacrifices. The parents who bargain hunt for child care and drive two brand new SUVs, I just don't get.
What is more important?
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:07 AM
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I appreciate that "you rock" statement.

I just don't think enough parents are informed.

We choose having a Nanny and paying over 2000.00 per month over FREE CARE because that is what our child needed. Yes, we have to sacrifice but having kids means making sacrifices. The parents who bargain hunt for child care and drive two brand new SUVs, I just don't get.
What is more important?
You are definately a wise parent! Maybe you should do seminars for educating parents?!? LOL!
Seriously, because I have two of those SUV driving parents in my care right now and I get grief from them every day because their little one hasn't learned to tie his shoes yet and the other parent complains that I am not teaching her child to use the potty yet (kid is 3.5) and she thinks I should have started the process awhile ago...umm, who's kid is it again?!?!

Nice post...well said.
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Old 02-11-2011, 07:05 AM
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I read about self-righteous parents and this thread proves that point. I specially did not expect it from the ones providing childcare services. There is a reason why parents need to put their children to daycare, and every parent decides for themselves how much sacrifice they need to put in.

I appreciate all the well-meaning advice from this thread, I did get a few. But 'sacrifice' being mentioned throws me off.

I am a new parent, my child is new to out-of-home childcare. I don't have all the answers (no one here does) that is why I am looking and experiencing. In the end, I may discover I need a nanny after all.

Having said that, I guess I cannot find comfort from a thread that is dominated by childcare providers. I get more defensive, judgemental responses instead of honest-to-goodness parent-to-parent caring feedback.
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Old 02-11-2011, 07:08 AM
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We do care, we are parents and we are telling you the truth.

Sorry it is not what you want to hear.
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Old 02-11-2011, 07:17 AM
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I also wanted to add that I didn't expect my child to be held ALL THE TIME.

He was never held AT ALL in this daycare and he is NEW to daycare - he's been there for 3 weeks of his life.
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Old 02-11-2011, 07:21 AM
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We do care, we are parents and we are telling you the truth.

Sorry it is not what you want to hear.
You are telling me your opinion, which may not necessarily be the truth for me.
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:06 AM
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Ok guys, I obviously have a different agenda here. I was looking for COMFORT - not answers since I will find that for myself.

Advice is good, but then that puts pressure on you not to cross the line of judgement.

Forget about it, me and my son has moved on, but thanks for the attention.
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  #29  
Old 02-11-2011, 08:37 AM
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My son is 17 months old, he started going to a daycare facility 2 weeks ago. He had always been home with the granparents. It was very stressful for him being in a daycare. I can see him in a video from work and I see that the teacher does not hold him at all. On the third day I called and explained that being new in the environment, he needs a little bit of comfort and understanding. That day, he was held a lot because I complained. But after that day, teacher was back to her old ways - paying no attention to my son who kept following him begging for attention.

Is it too much to ask to give him some embrace now and then since he needs to feel safe in this new environment? What breaks my heart is when I see the teacher cuddling another child (who happens to be his favorite) while my son is watching wondering when his turn will be - which never came. After cuddling the other boy, the teacher ignores my child. It broke my heart when I saw my child carrying a book running after the teacher because he wants to be read a book - the teacher ignoring him.

I do not want to complain again since that will just make the teacher resentful. I am tempted to just look for another daycare. Is this wise considering it will be another adjustment for my son? But then again, he will be in the company of a teacher who does not care about him for a long time.
I do NOT mean any disrespect but if you were looking for comfort and not answers then why didn't you say that? I see two questions in your original post and I think most of the poster's on here have answered those honestly and realistically. If anyone on this forum made you feel like we were being unsupportive I am sure it was not intentional.

YOU asked a question (well, 2 questions) and they were answered by a multitude of posters from all sorts of different environments. I think you got a good amount of differing opinions that should help you in deciding what is best for your child but if you only wanted comfort then by all means you should have said so...we can be a very comforting group.

But we are not mind readers and it is extremely difficult to "guess" what a poster is looking for when all we see are words. Words that have no tone or emotion to them because they are just words. We do not know you, nor do you know any of us so I apologize again if you feel you didnt get what you were looking for. Best of luck to you (and your son) in whatever it is you are looking for.
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:44 AM
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I do NOT mean any disrespect but if you were looking for comfort and not answers then why didn't you say that? I see two questions in your original post and I think most of the poster's on here have answered those honestly and realistically. If anyone on this forum made you feel like we were being unsupportive I am sure it was not intentional.

YOU asked a question (well, 2 questions) and they were answered by a multitude of posters from all sorts of different environments. I think you got a good amount of differing opinions that should help you in deciding what is best for your child but if you only wanted comfort then by all means you should have said so...we can be a very comforting group.

But we are not mind readers and it is extremely difficult to "guess" what a poster is looking for when all we see are words. Words that have no tone or emotion to them because they are just words. We do not know you, nor do you know any of us so I apologize again if you feel you didnt get what you were looking for. Best of luck to you (and your son) in whatever it is you are looking for.
It's interesting you paid attention to my 2 questions - but did it really sink in that my son was NEWBIE to a daycare facility and that I was not looking for constant holding for my son but a few hugs in the beginning to make him feel safe?

Take off your provider hat and read through the thread 'realistically' and tell me that there is no judgment here.

It's true, I did get well-meaning feedback and I don't want to take that away from them. I guess I'm clueless - I should expect that every thread may have this but it is also obvious to me that I am in the wrong community group.
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  #31  
Old 02-11-2011, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by bunches View Post
It's interesting you paid attention to my 2 questions - but did it really sink in that my son was NEWBIE to a daycare facility and that I was not looking for constant holding for my son but a few hugs in the beginning to make him feel safe?

Take off your provider hat and read through the thread 'realistically' and tell me that there is no judgment here.

It's true, I did get well-meaning feedback and I don't want to take that away from them. I guess I'm clueless - I should expect that every thread may have this but it is also obvious to me that I am in the wrong community group.
No, you were not asking for too much by wanting your son to be hugged now and then. Personally, I am a hugger and all my daycare kids get lots of physical affection from me. I also work in family childcare so the kids here (and their families) are like my own and I grow to love them very much.

I have a friend who works in a center and she is not affectionate at all with the kids there. They come and go all the time and newbies are not unusual. It is difficult to form a bonding and long term realtionship when you are working in a center. (IMPO)

It is a big deal for your son because he IS the newbie but to the teacher, she probably has a newbie all the time...kwim? I do think you have a right to ask for your child to receive a hug and some comforting when he is needing it, but like others have said, you just are not going to get that loving attention from a center in my personal opinion.

You also have a right to confront the teacher and have no worries that she is going to treat your child badly or have resentful feelings if you speak up. You have the responsibility to ask and seek the type of care you want for YOUR child. But be warned, you can NOT make a center or a teacher or a daycare or anyone for that matter do what you want if THEY are not on board with it. If they can not provide your son what you are looking for then you do need to find a different type of care or another center.

I feel really bad that the center teacher you are talking about would be that kind of caregiver that she would be resentful to you for speaking up, but just because a person is working in the child care field, it doesn't mean they are cut out for it ...

My advice? DON'T ever give up on seeking the right care for your child. Even if you do find a center, home childcare, nanny or babysitter, don't stop checking that your sons needs are always being met...it will be a long journey that will continue on into his school years as well. Open communication is the key. Find a provider (no matter if it is FCC or center or whatever) that you can talk openly and frankly with and if a problem should ever arise, 99.9% of them are solved because of the type of communication you have with your provider.


P.S. I have my provider hat off and my mom hat on.....I am in the child care business because I have children and one of them required a different type of care than any center or FCC could offer him.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
No, you were not asking for too much by wanting your son to be hugged now and then. Personally, I am a hugger and all my daycare kids get lots of physical affection from me. I also work in family childcare so the kids here (and their families) are like my own and I grow to love them very much.

I have a friend who works in a center and she is not affectionate at all with the kids there. They come and go all the time and newbies are not unusual. It is difficult to form a bonding and long term realtionship when you are working in a center. (IMPO)

It is a big deal for your son because he IS the newbie but to the teacher, she probably has a newbie all the time...kwim? I do think you have a right to ask for your child to receive a hug and some comforting when he is needing it, but like others have said, you just are not going to get that loving attention from a center in my personal opinion.

You also have a right to confront the teacher and have no worries that she is going to treat your child badly or have resentful feelings if you speak up. You have the responsibility to ask and seek the type of care you want for YOUR child. But be warned, you can NOT make a center or a teacher or a daycare or anyone for that matter do what you want if THEY are not on board with it. If they can not provide your son what you are looking for then you do need to find a different type of care or another center.

I feel really bad that the center teacher you are talking about would be that kind of caregiver that she would be resentful to you for speaking up, but just because a person is working in the child care field, it doesn't mean they are cut out for it ...

My advice? DON'T ever give up on seeking the right care for your child. Even if you do find a center, home childcare, nanny or babysitter, don't stop checking that your sons needs are always being met...it will be a long journey that will continue on into his school years as well. Open communication is the key. Find a provider (no matter if it is FCC or center or whatever) that you can talk openly and frankly with and if a problem should ever arise, 99.9% of them are solved because of the type of communication you have with your provider.


P.S. I have my provider hat off and my mom hat on.....I am in the child care business because I have children and one of them required a different type of care than any center or FCC could offer him.
You have you mom hat on and I have my mommie T-shirt on, and from all the hugs I have lots of runny noses wiped on me yesterday and today
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Old 02-11-2011, 10:40 AM
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Hi Bunches,

I genuinely aplogize if I upset you, as that was not really my intention. I was a new parent once and I truly feel for you. I, like you learned as I went and I was only trying to share some of what I have learned. Just to clarify, I do not provide childcare services nor have I ever. Again, I am a Mom of two boys, 4 and 2 and I work full-time. I was sharing my experience with my sons and childcare. Self-righteousness was definitely not what I was aiming for. Maybe, with time you will be able to see this. I know it is impossible to take emotion out of a situation when talking about your own child and our strong first instinct is to be defensive. This is normal and I certainly understand it.

Also, I was not speaking of you when I mentioned sacrifice and SUVs etc. At that point, I was responding to another comment. I do not know your situation and therefore cannot comment on what you do and don't sacrifice. Parents choose different things for different reasons and I completely respect this - IF THEIR CHILD IS THE PRIORITY. I will be the first one to admit, I have a problem with certain types of parents: ie. They bring their full-time day care children to day care when they have a day/week off so they can run errands, get stuff done, decompress, go shopping, clean or (my favorite) reconnect with a spouse, or bargain hunt for childcare while continuing to spend on material goods or feed their kids hot dogs and peanut butter and jelly everyday. Boy, was I surprised the first time (in my play group) I saw a toddler that looked at strawberries like they were a foreign object and had the Mom say, that they had not "introduced" their child to fruit or veggies yet. (Before somebody attacks me, no the child did not have allergies etc).

I hope my post educated a few people and that is it. Reality is reality and we are only human. There is a reason one-on-one care costs a great deal and day care is less expensive. Unfortunately, most don't think specifics when we are pregnant since we do not know just how much we do not know. I have seen so many parents get upset at their provider because the child is crying and they let them cry it out. Why are they surprised at this if they have been parenting this child and they see this provider has other kids. How would they be able to do it? The day cares HAVE to do this (if the cry is not related to hunger, diaper, something serious of course.) They have to get these children used to not being held because they can not hold all of them (ask of a mother of multiples what she does). I would also like to share this:

Infants in Daycare
Consider the amount of physical care and attention a baby needs--say 20 minutes for feeding every three hours or so, and 10 minutes for diapering every two hours or so, and time for the care giver to wash her hands thoroughly and sanitize the area after changing each baby. In an eight-and-a-half-hour day, then, a care giver working under the typical four-to-one ratio will have 16 diapers to change and 12 feedings to give. Four diaper changings and three feedings apiece is not an inordinate amount of care over a long day from the babies' point of view.

But think about the care giver's day: Four hours to feed the babies (4 babies X 3 feedings X 20 minutes), two hours and 40 minutes to change them (4 babies X 4 changes X 10 minutes). If you allow an extra two and a half minutes at each changing to put them down, clean up the area, and thoroughly wash your hands, you can get by with 40 minutes for sanitizing (4 babies X 4 changes X 2 1/2 minutes). (And if you think about thoroughly washing your hands 16 times a day, you may begin to understand why epidemics of diarrhea and related diseases regularly sweep through infant-care centers.)

That makes seven hours and 20 minutes of the day spent just on physical care (4 hours feeding + 2 hours 40 minutes changing + 40 minutes sanitizing)--if you're lucky and the infants stay conveniently on schedule. Obviously, such a schedule is not realistic. In group infant care based on even this four-to-one ratio, babies will not be changed every two hours and they will probably not be held while they're fed.

Toddlers in Daycare:

While older preschoolers in day care require somewhat less maintenance, they also get crowded into larger groups—typically from eight to 15 youngsters per adult. The average toddler makes 20-35 overtures an hour to his primary caretaker, according to studies. A day care worker responsible for 10 toddlers would thus be faced with an overture* every 15 seconds. Obviously most will be ignored or bluntly cut off. The assistance, praise, rule-teaching, discipline, and reinforcement that one- to three-years-olds need will often be unavailable.

There are numerous studies indicating all sorts of things about children that are in day care and they are not made up (pros and cons). There is a reason why some day cares simply will not take a baby before 6 months. Did it even enter my mind before having a child that he would not be hugged and kissed enough in daycare. No, not really. All I saw, was my gorgeous baby and he was the center of my universe. How could he not be someone else's, right? Now I know things like: Attachment parenting is not really a good choice if your child will be in day care (LOL) and my provider has seen tons of babies and mine is one of many. Now I know, she may not like his name, his smell, his habits, his hair color or he may remind her of another child that presented her problems in the past. Yes, providers are ideally not supposed to show preference and (some) may indeed do their best, but human nature makes this hard. Luckily, we have the choice of finding a new situation where we will get what we are looking for.


So I think I have said enough I hope you and your son are in a new situation where you are (both) getting your needs met and he is very happy toddler
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Old 02-11-2011, 12:12 PM
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Well said "unregistered user!" That was the point I was trying to make. We are human and most of us are also mothers too so...


You obviously have some valuable insight and advice to offer...can I suggest that you join the forum and become a member?
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Old 02-11-2011, 12:23 PM
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Well said "unregistered user!" That was the point I was trying to make. We are human and most of us are also mothers too so...


You obviously have some valuable insight and advice to offer...can I suggest that you join the forum and become a member?
I was going to suggest the same Blackcat. I would love you to be a formal member of the forum. You have some great insights and perspective.
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Old 02-11-2011, 02:24 PM
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I have a 17m dcb in my care and I have to say, I think that age is the hardest. He is always following me around and wants to be held all the time. I play with him, carry him and love him. But I do not do this the whole day because I have others that need my attention.

I do think that your child should have adult interaction, love and attention but also I agree with others that if you are looking for "individual care" then a nanny would be the best.

Nannies are expensive but when looking at centers and home daycare the reality is that we are caring for multiple children and your child isnt the only one...the provider only has 2 hands.

Maybe offer grandma lots of money!!
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:37 PM
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i'm gonna start agreeing with myself as unregistered more often then i won't get in trouble for being mean to new people.

just kidding - i'm totally not unregistered.
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:54 PM
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I was going to suggest the same Blackcat. I would love you to be a formal member of the forum. You have some great insights and perspective.
Thank you to you both.

The irony of all of this is that I did not even go to this site. My sister was over a few days ago with her new 6 week old baby boy. I took a half day and told my sister to come over for lunch. After lunch, I gave her a new Mom gift and surprised her with the news that I was taking her sweet baby boy and my boys to the mall and leaving her to sleep, read or do whatever she would like. I will never forget what it was like being a new exhausted first-time Mom, how a close friend did the same thing for me and how grateful I was at the time. That evening when I sat down on the computer this this site was up, along with the "newbie" question and I started reading. My sister brought me to this site.

"Newbie" struck a chord with me as I remember being that first time parent with a child in day care and instinctively, I responded with my experience. I had no idea it would be taken the way it had. I did not dissagree with the poster at all but rather explained my own experience with my boys and types of childcare, what that experience taught me about child care (day care or other) both positive and not so positive but nonetheless true. I thought I could help explain why her son was not being held. Never did I say he should not be held. I have re-read my response and still do not understand how "I passed judgement", who I passed it on or how I was "self-righteous"?

So here I am still (day 3 or so (LOL)) and I got here accidentally. For some reason, I can't leave! I have put a kink in my routine in order to read more . I wish I knew about this site 4 or so years ago!! I have read some very interesting things, informative things and some unbelievable things, as well. I really admire those of you who have chosen to be childcare providers and will always be a strong advocate for you and support your profession. Your job is so difficult for so many reasons (we could write a book on this i'm sure). I cannot believe some of the posts I have read from parents regarding their "issues" with their day care. Yes, some are absolutely legit and there are daycares/providers out there that should not exist. The threads that go on forever with complaints about some minor item (that is a daycare policy for the good of the WHOLE DAYCARE), or parents that don't think they should pay for holidays, vacations, when they are sick, etc. etc. . . . are so shocking to me!!! Not paying your childcare provider some basic benefits (that these people receive at their job) SHOULD NOT be a debatable topic. Does it make sense for a parent to say a child is the most important thing to them, have sky-high expectations of performance of their provider and then show disrespect to that same person by ignoring policies, arguing over paying this/that, not paying on time (or sometimes at all!!!) or wanting to rally together (for something or other). I want to keep the person that takes care of my child as happy as possible since THEY TAKE CARE OF MY CHILD.

I guess if it is now normal for parents to complain about the things I mentioned above, while leaving their child in the care of the person for 10-11 hours per day, My saying that my children come first, that parenting is my job and sacrifice is a part of parenting just may make me seem "self-righteous" to some.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:04 PM
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One more thing . . . I will remain unregistered and make my exit. Only because I am not really sure I belong here. I am not a provider and am not sure I would fit in well with most of the parents. So far what I have said has not been very well received . . . Thanks,6 I have enjoyed this site.
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Old 02-11-2011, 10:01 PM
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Noooooo!!!! Stay!!!! Really, please...I didn't chime in much...so unlike me, but really you said it all!
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:02 PM
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stay!!

it's true that most members on this site are daycare providers. however, MOST of them are also parents. i was a parent before i was a provider. i'm no longer a provider, but i'm still a parent. i think it's great to have parent's points of view (non daycare providers) to balance things out now and then.

i think i have a "unique" perspective on things (some would say disagreeable - i.e. this thread) because my own children went to daycare so i have that perspective, i worked in daycare centers (including the one my own children attended), i observed dozens of early childhood settings as part of my course requirements for an early childhood degree, AND i operated a home daycare so i definitely have the provider's perspective as well.

i think being a daycare PARENT helped me to be a much better daycare provider and as i mentioned before gave me a unique view on things. i DID "sacrifice" a lot to have my children in daycare - for me it wasn't sacrificing a SUV to have them in a center vs. hiring a nanny, but more like i sacrificed driving a nice car so that i could afford a daycare center while i went to school.

point being- everyone here has a different experience. of course, most members are providers and have a lot in common, but as i said - most of us are also mothers (and fathers - michael) so we have that in common as well. you don't have to agree with everyone in order to "fit in" - TRUST ME on that one - not that i fit in!

Last edited by QualiTcare; 02-11-2011 at 11:06 PM.
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