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Old 02-11-2014, 08:22 AM
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Default OT-Am I Wrong?

So my 4 yo dd spends the night at my mom's house once every couple of months. They are very close and love these visits. Well, we planned on her going tonight. Unfortunately, my dd was over-excited last night and was wired when we put her to bed at 8:30 pm. Over the next two hours, we kept having to tell her to go back to bed because she kept getting up. I went to bed at 10:30 pm and checked on our daughters on the way. My younger dd was asleep in her room and my older dd was laying quietly in bed. I figured...ok, she is on her way to dozing off finally. My dh was still awake doing work so I felt ok going to sleep.

Well, I get woken up at 1:00 am by my dh scolding my dd and her crying. Apparently, the entire time I was asleep, she got up repeatedly and snuck around. At some point, she purposely woke up my other daughter and got her involved in the getting up and sneaking around. I get up because I want to know what's happening. I find out that they got into the pantry and climbed up and got into the chocolate stash that was for Valentine's day. My younger dd got it all over her hands and managed to spread it all over her room (the dresser, her bed, the bedding, etc.). I had to clean for 30 minutes, calm my angry dh, and scold my daughters . So finally, she went to sleep around 1:45 am or so.

Well, I told her that she was not to go to grandma's house today. It is somewhat of a reward to her since she likes it so much, so I didn't want her to feel like she could misbehave so badly and still get to go to grandma's. My dh was absolutely adament that she does not go. Plus, she only had 6 hours of sleep. Well, she has been begging me all morning and my mom is giving me a guilt trip. Am I wrong for saying no?
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Old 02-11-2014, 08:28 AM
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So my 4 yo dd spends the night at my mom's house once every couple of months. They are very close and love these visits. Well, we planned on her going tonight. Unfortunately, my dd was over-excited last night and was wired when we put her to bed at 8:30 pm. Over the next two hours, we kept having to tell her to go back to bed because she kept getting up. I went to bed at 10:30 pm and checked on our daughters on the way. My younger dd was asleep in her room and my older dd was laying quietly in bed. I figured...ok, she is on her way to dozing off finally. My dh was still awake doing work so I felt ok going to sleep.

Well, I get woken up at 1:00 am by my dh scolding my dd and her crying. Apparently, the entire time I was asleep, she got up repeatedly and snuck around. At some point, she purposely woke up my other daughter and got her involved in the getting up and sneaking around. I get up because I want to know what's happening. I find out that they got into the pantry and climbed up and got into the chocolate stash that was for Valentine's day. My younger dd got it all over her hands and managed to spread it all over her room (the dresser, her bed, the bedding, etc.). I had to clean for 30 minutes, calm my angry dh, and scold my daughters . So finally, she went to sleep around 1:45 am or so.

Well, I told her that she was not to go to grandma's house today. It is somewhat of a reward to her since she likes it so much, so I didn't want her to feel like she could misbehave so badly and still get to go to grandma's. My dh was absolutely adament that she does not go. Plus, she only had 6 hours of sleep. Well, she has been begging me all morning and my mom is giving me a guilt trip. Am I wrong for saying no?
Personally, I think it is a wonderful choices/consequences action. I am a big accountability/responsibility person and feel that is lacking in society today with adults and children. Just my opinion, but you have my admiration.
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Old 02-11-2014, 08:32 AM
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Why can't grandma come and visit? I would've also made dd help clean up her mess...that must have been so frustrating!

Really, it's up to you and dh how to parent. Your mom does not have a say in it. Once you choose a consequence, it's important to stick to it. It doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable if that is the reason why she was acting up to begin with...maybe removing the source of the drama will help her learn a lesson for next time she has a scheduled trip to grandma's.

I remember when I was 4 years old and I hid from my mom in a clothing store. I remember my mom frantically looking for me and how I thought it was SO funny that mommy got upset....until she found me (after calling the police) and simply took me straight home (no yelling, spanking, etc...just silence all the way home) and told me I would not be going shopping with her for a month. She was serious. Even though she had to wait for my dad to come home and watch me whenever she needed to go shopping, she refused to take me and would even take my brother instead. I never ever forgot that lesson and so never did it again. Lesson learned from my mom sticking to her chosen consequence for me.
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Old 02-11-2014, 08:33 AM
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Personally, I think it is a wonderful choices/consequences action. I am a big accountability/responsibility person and feel that is lacking in society today with adults and children. Just my opinion, but you have my admiration.
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Old 02-11-2014, 08:59 AM
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I think you did the right thing and I would tell grandma that you would appreciate support or silence...her choice.
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Old 02-11-2014, 09:12 AM
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Spud you did the right thing.

I think I might have gone even further and not only removed her visit to grandma's house but would probably give her an earlier bed time or another form of punishment as well.

No Valentine's candy either.

Parenting is hard. You did the right thing.
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Old 02-11-2014, 09:14 AM
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You’re right in my opinion.
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Old 02-11-2014, 09:19 AM
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I went to a class this weekend where the instructor said children should never be punished, never told "no, don't, can't", children don't misbehave, they make "mistakes", etc.

I disagreed with parts of it.

I totally think you are doing the right thing. Your 4 yo is old enough to know what she did was wrong and she needs to suffer the consequence. I also think that when you tell a child that they are not going to be allowed to do something fun because of their behavior, you have to stand firm to your word.
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Old 02-11-2014, 09:26 AM
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I went to a class this weekend where the instructor said children should never be punished, never told "no, don't, can't", children don't misbehave, they make "mistakes", etc.

I disagreed with parts of it.

I totally think you are doing the right thing. Your 4 yo is old enough to know what she did was wrong and she needs to suffer the consequence. I also think that when you tell a child that they are not going to be allowed to do something fun because of their behavior, you have to stand firm to your word.

I worked at a center that was like this. 24 2yr olds and two teachers. Let me tell you, those kids knew we couldn't do anything about what they did. No telling them no, no consequences...these kids also ruled their homes.
I ended up walking out on the job (i only stayed long enough to close on the house we were buying). WORST. EXPERIENCE. EVER. i was so stressed out and the kids/rooms were out of control.
I believe that children will test boundaries and that they need to have consequences for their actions. Children need to be taught right and wrong. this is whats wrong with children/parents these days.
ok, end rant.
OP, I think you made a great decision. DD needs to know that when she doesn't listen/ behave there will be consequences.
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Old 02-11-2014, 09:38 AM
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OP, of course you were right! If your child is unhappy occasionally, and you feel like a total meanie, then you know you are being a GREAT parent. Grandma knows it, too. Just make plans for another night very soon, and she will be pacified.
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Old 02-11-2014, 09:49 AM
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Red face From a Grammie...

My children used to do this to me. I finally told them to please stop using my time w my grandkids to punish them. They are also punishing me. I think you should do what you feel best, of course. Just giving a diff perspective. My relationship w my grandkids is special. I have given them plenty of talking to's and plenty of time outs. I support my children even when I have to bite my tongue. But not in this way. I don't indulge the grandkids and would expect my grandchild to be respnsible for her actions. And to pay for that perhaps in some other way. But not by using our time together to do it. Hope you are all understanding if my perspective. I have learned a lot from you ladies! I realize I am the dissenting opinion here...yikes! But I had to say it
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Old 02-11-2014, 10:45 AM
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My children used to do this to me. I finally told them to please stop using my time w my grandkids to punish them. They are also punishing me. I think you should do what you feel best, of course. Just giving a diff perspective. My relationship w my grandkids is special. I have given them plenty of talking to's and plenty of time outs. I support my children even when I have to bite my tongue. But not in this way. I don't indulge the grandkids and would expect my grandchild to be respnsible for her actions. And to pay for that perhaps in some other way. But not by using our time together to do it. Hope you are all understanding if my perspective. I have learned a lot from you ladies! I realize I am the dissenting opinion here...yikes! But I had to say it


Exactly what I was thinking, I'm a grandma too.

Laurel
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Old 02-11-2014, 10:50 AM
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Also adding, her mischief had nothing to do with grandma so it does not seem an appropriate consequence.

There most definitely should be a consequence though.

Laurel
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Old 02-11-2014, 10:51 AM
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Exactly what I was thinking, I'm a grandma too.

Laurel
I am not a grandma, but I am an aunt and my neph stays nearly every wknd with us so I always get the end of his punishment if he needs it because my house is his favorite thing to do. I respect his parents for being consistent. As for my own sons, I take the ipads.....they LOVE ipads. Behavior is much better when they can have their ipads.
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Old 02-11-2014, 10:53 AM
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I don't think you were wrong. I used to let my dd get away with everything and now sometimes I pay for it. I now am firm and stick to what the consequences are and it is hard, but if you let them get away with it, they will do it over and over.
My dd loves to go over to my sis's and mom's house. There were a few times when she was supposed to go, but I didn't let her because she was in trouble and it was hard, but hopefully she'll learn.

As for grandma, she can take her another day. She shouldn't be making you feel guilty. My mom does this to me too and will actually make up excuses as to why my dd did whatever it was that she did, but I've learned to say that I'm the parents and what I say goes.
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:04 AM
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My mom would totally understand if I kept my son home for misbehaving because he knew he was going to grandma's house...and she lives another state away so that would be an extra special treat taken away.

That being said, I wouldn't deny her the option of coming here to visit my son and there's no reason why she can't...in fact it's easier for her to visit than for me to visit...

So again OP has to do what's best for her situation and we don't have all the details and we don't know her family personally. Even if we did, it is still her decision. It's hard enough being a parent without your own family questioning everything you do...I have dh's family still antagonizing me for doing or not doing certain things with my son and it doesn't help me become a better parent...it just stresses me out and ruins the relationship with his family.
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:05 AM
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I am not a grandma, but I am an aunt and my neph stays nearly every wknd with us so I always get the end of his punishment if he needs it because my house is his favorite thing to do. I respect his parents for being consistent. As for my own sons, I take the ipads.....they LOVE ipads. Behavior is much better when they can have their ipads.
I vote for the ipads or something similar. Not fair to have grandma be a 'consequence' when they were no way involved in the situation.

Laurel
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:07 AM
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Spud you did the right thing.

I think I might have gone even further and not only removed her visit to grandma's house but would probably give her an earlier bed time or another form of punishment as well.

No Valentine's candy either.

Parenting is hard. You did the right thing.
ITA!

Also, if you say yes now, you are just giving in and she will try it again next time. Your word is your word.

I REALLY have learned to think a LONG time about the consequence to something and NOT do it instantly or out of anger.

My Mom takes my youngest two once a week for the evening or for the night. They LOVE IT, and look forward to it all week but the behavior when they come home..... We actually had a MEETING with my parents and my kids to say if it continues to be an issue, they can't come. The kids made up rules for Nonna's house, and they come home better behaved.
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:08 AM
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I vote for the ipads or something similar. Not fair to have grandma be a 'consequence' when they were no way involved in the situation.

Laurel
Maybe....but each child is different and I think the best punishment is taking away what they like most...otherwise it is NOT punishment. My brother and his wife are VERY consistent and I admire that. Sure, it hurts me, but since I have kids of my own, I totally understand how difficult it is to parent. I wish there was a book that we could use....
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:09 AM
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I vote for the ipads or something similar. Not fair to have grandma be a 'consequence' when they were no way involved in the situation.

Laurel
I see it as a consequence for mom and dad too...I would totally love some alone time with dh and so taking away a trip to grandma's would also punish us...just my perspective. Again, I don't assume to know her situation but I just feel the need to throw my ideas out there...
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:11 AM
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I see it as a consequence for mom and dad too...I would totally love some alone time with dh and so taking away a trip to grandma's would also punish us...just my perspective. Again, I don't assume to know her situation but I just feel the need to throw my ideas out there...
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:12 AM
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My mom would totally understand if I kept my son home for misbehaving because he knew he was going to grandma's house...and she lives another state away so that would be an extra special treat taken away.

That being said, I wouldn't deny her the option of coming here to visit my son and there's no reason why she can't...in fact it's easier for her to visit than for me to visit...

So again OP has to do what's best for her situation and we don't have all the details and we don't know her family personally. Even if we did, it is still her decision. It's hard enough being a parent without your own family questioning everything you do...I have dh's family still antagonizing me for doing or not doing certain things with my son and it doesn't help me become a better parent...it just stresses me out and ruins the relationship with his family.
Well if my children did it with my grandchildren, I'd let it slide once or twice. After that, I'd say something but in a nice way.

Usually when my grandchildren come I have something definitely planned. With my granddaughter I had canvases and paint as she likes art and we were planning a 'painting day'. I would feel cheated if something she did the night before prevented her from doing that. It isn't like I can see them as often now that they are in school and have their own lives.

Just something to think about.

Not to mention the numerous times I take them 'on the spur of the moment' so mom can have some time for herself. It is a two way street.

You can bet I'd also talk to her about her bad night and back up the consequences her parents decided on. I just don't think that consequence should involve ME.

Laurel
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:19 AM
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Maybe....but each child is different and I think the best punishment is taking away what they like most...otherwise it is NOT punishment. My brother and his wife are VERY consistent and I admire that. Sure, it hurts me, but since I have kids of my own, I totally understand how difficult it is to parent. I wish there was a book that we could use....
I'm sure there is more than one thing they like. If the child in question would have done the same thing when grandma was out of town for the week on vacation surely there would have been another alternative for a consequence. I doubt mom would have said "Well when grandma gets back next week, you're not going to her house for doing this."

I know what it feels like to be a parent too. I raised 3 children.

Laurel
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:25 AM
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I see it as a consequence for mom and dad too...I would totally love some alone time with dh and so taking away a trip to grandma's would also punish us...just my perspective. Again, I don't assume to know her situation but I just feel the need to throw my ideas out there...
BUT, we are the parents and our wants should always come behind the betterment of our children. I can understand every point made in these posts, but I guess I am just old-fashioned when it comes to accountability/responsibility. It is so easy today to just do what YOU want to do no matter the consequences. I fear the next generation will possibly be worse....kind of scary to me as a parent..... Whether it be in schools, places of employment, etc., NO ONE is accountable....there is always a REASON I did this or YOU made me do it. Whatever happened to ME being accountable for my OWN actions! Just my thoughts!
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:48 AM
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BUT, we are the parents and our wants should always come behind the betterment of our children. I can understand every point made in these posts, but I guess I am just old-fashioned when it comes to accountability/responsibility. It is so easy today to just do what YOU want to do no matter the consequences. I fear the next generation will possibly be worse....kind of scary to me as a parent..... Whether it be in schools, places of employment, etc., NO ONE is accountable....there is always a REASON I did this or YOU made me do it. Whatever happened to ME being accountable for my OWN actions! Just my thoughts!
That's what I'm saying. Not punishing a child because it "punishes" the parents or extended family only hurts the child in the long run. Short term it is not fun to listen to the crying or missing out on time with each other but long term you'll have a child that has difficulty with facing consequences. I understand that it's not fun for you to have to cancel your plans, Laurel, but I see this as a short term consequence. Plus, I'm sure your child really appreciates the time you spend with your grandchild so she can do her own thing...so I can't see a parent taking that time away from the grandparent unless it is really necessary because it is no fun for anyone. I wonder what kind of grandparent I'll be just because I know it's going to be so hard for me to bite my tongue and let my kids choose their parenting style...I'd be upset too if I missed out on family time because my grandchild did something the night before...but I'm not a grandparent so the best I can do is offer my experience as a daughter and mother. I can understand everyone's point of view...I just felt that we should support OP in her decision as again it is hard parenting especially when the consequences affect the entire family...she sounded to me like she did what she thought was best even though she and her mom are the ones that have to suffer along with her daughter.
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:50 AM
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Wow thanks for all the feedback! I totally respect all views, even those who said I was punishing grandma. That was partially why I felt guilty .... I know my mom looks forward to it almost as much as my dd and I know she had plans. Normally she would come to visit but she usually gets bombarded by the dck's and can hardly get some time with my dd. Plus, the plan was to take my dd with her to work for a 30 minutes or so to "show her off."

On the other hand, I really think it was ultimately the right choice. Everyone was essentially punished. Nobody slept well last night. Being that I'm pregnant and still suffering from morning sickness, the lack of sleep usually causes a whirlwind of bad symptoms the next day (and it has). Add to that dealing with my now over-tired dd who is a complete disaster when she lacks sleep (and she is). I didn't think it was fair to put that mess onto my mom either.

She has been having a bad couple of weeks in general and so our normal consequences have lost their strength because they have been on and off in use lately (it involves taking away her currently favorite toys). She has shown improvement the last few days so I thought a trip to grandmas would be a win win.....she would get rewarded with spoilage and I would get a break for a day and a half .

I know she usually comes home fairly ornery from my mom's so I thought it would be a bad idea to send her when she was already misbehaving (staying up late) and then only to get her back grumpy . That would be unfair to all of us at home and it wouldn't teach her any lessons.

Thanks again! On a good note, my mom wants to take her tomorrow and I have a fairly good feeling my dd will sleep well tonight! She is extremely remorseful. I can tell between the begging, profuse apologies, promises to be good and sleep good repeatedly, and an obvious attempt to curb her tired grumpies.
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:53 AM
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Wow thanks for all the feedback! I totally respect all views, even those who said I was punishing grandma. That was partially why I felt guilty .... I know my mom looks forward to it almost as much as my dd and I know she had plans. Normally she would come to visit but she usually gets bombarded by the dck's and can hardly get some time with my dd. Plus, the plan was to take my dd with her to work for a 30 minutes or so to "show her off."

On the other hand, I really think it was ultimately the right choice. Everyone was essentially punished. Nobody slept well last night. Being that I'm pregnant and still suffering from morning sickness, the lack of sleep usually causes a whirlwind of bad symptoms the next day (and it has). Add to that dealing with my now over-tired dd who is a complete disaster when she lacks sleep (and she is). I didn't think it was fair to put that mess onto my mom either.

She has been having a bad couple of weeks in general and so our normal consequences have lost their strength because they have been on and off in use lately (it involves taking away her currently favorite toys). She has shown improvement the last few days so I thought a trip to grandmas would be a win win.....she would get rewarded with spoilage and I would get a break for a day and a half .

I know she usually comes home fairly ornery from my mom's so I thought it would be a bad idea to send her when she was already misbehaving (staying up late) and then only to get her back grumpy . That would be unfair to all of us at home and it wouldn't teach her any lessons.

Thanks again! On a good note, my mom wants to take her tomorrow and I have a fairly good feeling my dd will sleep well tonight! She is extremely remorseful. I can tell between the begging, profuse apologies, promises to be good and sleep good repeatedly, and an obvious attempt to curb her tired grumpies.
Sounds like you have your hands full! Glad it all is working out.
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:55 AM
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I do think you are right Spud, but I also get Laurels point as well.

Now mom said no to the sleepover, she didn't say no to seeing grandma...
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:56 AM
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Spud you did the right thing.

I think I might have gone even further and not only removed her visit to grandma's house but would probably give her an earlier bed time or another form of punishment as well.

No Valentine's candy either.

Parenting is hard. You did the right thing.
Absolutely would o the same thing (have done exactly that before- my mom tried to change my mind, too ) If all parents would hold kids accountable we'd have a much different society! I know it's hard, but consequences are one of the best lessons we can teach our children.
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:05 PM
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Thanks again! On a good note, my mom wants to take her tomorrow and I have a fairly good feeling my dd will sleep well tonight! She is extremely remorseful. I can tell between the begging, profuse apologies, promises to be good and sleep good repeatedly, and an obvious attempt to curb her tired grumpies.
Nice! I would have grandma take her another night too!

Plus, apologies and promises to behave do nothing for me.

SHOWING me those things though goes a long way to making amends.

Well done Spud!!

Those little tator tots you have will be keeping you on your toes for a few more years I bet!!
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:20 PM
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llpa llpa is offline
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Default Yay!!

Glad all worked out well! Sounds like everyone is getting what they need
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:50 PM
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sharlan sharlan is offline
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I am a grandma and I love my grandma nights.

But, I have to honor the fact that my daughter is the parent and she makes the decisions regarding her children. If the child is misbehaving and the parents feel that the reward of a grandma night is not in the picture, then so be it. We'll have a grandma night on another night.
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by llpa View Post
My children used to do this to me. I finally told them to please stop using my time w my grandkids to punish them. They are also punishing me. I think you should do what you feel best, of course. Just giving a diff perspective. My relationship w my grandkids is special. I have given them plenty of talking to's and plenty of time outs. I support my children even when I have to bite my tongue. But not in this way. I don't indulge the grandkids and would expect my grandchild to be respnsible for her actions. And to pay for that perhaps in some other way. But not by using our time together to do it. Hope you are all understanding if my perspective. I have learned a lot from you ladies! I realize I am the dissenting opinion here...yikes! But I had to say it
I am a grandmother also. Though I disagree with you, it was great to read a different perspective. My granddaughter was so disappointed in not seeing her Great Grandmother she got her behavior together.
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:54 PM
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Annalee Annalee is offline
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Well done Spud!!

Those little tator tots you have will be keeping you on your toes for a few more years I bet!!
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Old 02-11-2014, 05:37 PM
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Laurel Laurel is offline
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Glad all worked out well! Sounds like everyone is getting what they need


Laurel
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Old 02-12-2014, 09:23 AM
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Starburst Starburst is offline
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You shouldn't feel bad, she did something that she wasn't supposed to do and she has to pay the consequences. Going to grandma's house is a privilege. Personally, I think your mom is trying to guilt you because she feels like she is being punished too (especially if she loves having her over), but you have to stand your ground.
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Old 02-12-2014, 12:07 PM
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spud912 spud912 is offline
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Quick update:

My dd was really great yesterday and slept like a champ right when we put her to sleep. My mom picked her up about 2 hours ago and so far has fed her "lunch" (which apparently was ice cream ). I'm happy that she learned her lesson AND didn't get spoiled for acting poorly. Plus, she was well rested this morning and in a great mood! My dh even got a lovely early valentine card from her this morning.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
Those little tator tots you have will be keeping you on your toes for a few more years I bet!!
Yes! Especially her! She has been a LOT of work starting around 8 months old and she has come a LOOOONG way already. I think everyone should have a child like her to humble them .
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