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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>DCP Asking Other Parents For Handouts
daycare 11:19 AM 12-23-2014
I have a dcm, (we will call her dcm A) that is has been with me for about 3 years. Has always been a single parent and has never really been well to do. I know she struggles and over the years I have helped her as long as I feel I am not being taken advantage of.

dcm A works at a local popular business. So many of our dcfs see her at work.

This week alone I had one parent come in and had me a bag of clothing, saying this is for so and so, DCM A told me how she is really struggling and needs stuff for her child.

Then another parent came in yesterday asking me how old is DCB, they want to help out because DCM A is struggling.

Today we are having a party and one of my other DCPs walks in with a bag of goodies, food, cookies, etc. Says to me this is from me and dcm A, I know she is struggling, so I told her I would cover her. (everyone was supposed to bring a snack for the party to share with friends)

So it looks like dcm A is playing the victim card and is either telling or asking all of the DCP for help. I am not ok with this at all. I don't feel that it is appropriate and I don't want any more of my DCP to become victim to this. DCM A is very forth coming and has told me many times in the past things I didn't want to know. People at her work always give her money, local churchs give her money and etc.

BTW, DCK is well dressed, well taken care of by father and grandmother. I know for a fact that DCM gets over $900.00 a month in child support, plus help from the g-ma.

Also this morning, we are making presents for the parents and DCB says I need money to get my mom medicine so she will be happy again?????

I need help on how to address this...... I don't know what to do or what to say. Part of me wonders if CPS should get involved after the comment dcb made, but I have been told by DCM-A that she takes happy meds???


HELP WWYD??
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daycarediva 11:28 AM 12-23-2014
I would kindly ask her to not make requests for items from your other clients, and tell her that it has the potential to make them uncomfortable and puts you in a difficult spot. I would give her a list of charities (which it sounds like she already has.)

I'm sorry, but I am VERY sick of the 'I am a single Mom, I am entitled to all the free things! Pity me and give me stuff!"
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melilley 11:33 AM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I would kindly ask her to not make requests for items from your other clients, and tell her that it has the potential to make them uncomfortable and puts you in a difficult spot. I would give her a list of charities (which it sounds like she already has.)

I'm sorry, but I am VERY sick of the 'I am a single Mom, I am entitled to all the free things! Pity me and give me stuff!"

I sometimes wonder where their child support goes. I know it's not supposed to pay for everything, but sometimes it seems like they don't even receive it.
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daycare 11:35 AM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I would kindly ask her to not make requests for items from your other clients, and tell her that it has the potential to make them uncomfortable and puts you in a difficult spot. I would give her a list of charities (which it sounds like she already has.)

I'm sorry, but I am VERY sick of the 'I am a single Mom, I am entitled to all the free things! Pity me and give me stuff!"
I have known her to play this pity card with other charities and other people, but never me or my DCPs....

To me this is just wrong on every level. I did tell her last year when she told a DCD some personal information that she needs to be cautious of what she tells other DCPs because it made the DCD very uncomfortable. The dcd approached me and told me that DCM-A told her all kinds of very personal stuff for absolutely no reason at all.
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lblanke 11:36 AM 12-23-2014
Disclosure...Not a provider, just a mom. But I would try to stay out of it as much as you can. I would let mom know (politely) that she cannot ask for handouts at your home/place of business and let the other parents know that although they are being kind, they will have to find another way to get things to her if they want to be charitable. I would not allow them to drop things off with you or be a go between at all. Let them deal with her directly if that is what they want to do. I would not disclose how much she gets in child support, etc. And, I doubt that the child's saying he wants money for "happy pills" for mom is reportable. (I am in another profession but also a mandated reporter). I took the statement to mean antidepressants and not illegal drugs. Now, if you have reason to suspect that the happy pills are illegal, that would be reportable, I would think. I agree that mom is wrong on every level.
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daycare 11:48 AM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by lblanke:
Disclosure...Not a provider, just a mom. But I would try to stay out of it as much as you can. I would let mom know (politely) that she cannot ask for handouts at your home/place of business and let the other parents know that although they are being kind, they will have to find another way to get things to her if they want to be charitable. I would not allow them to drop things off with you or be a go between at all. Let them deal with her directly if that is what they want to do. I would not disclose how much she gets in child support, etc. And, I doubt that the child's saying he wants money for "happy pills" for mom is reportable. (I am in another profession but also a mandated reporter). I took the statement to mean antidepressants and not illegal drugs. Now, if you have reason to suspect that the happy pills are illegal, that would be reportable, I would think. I agree that mom is wrong on every level.
I do agree with what you are saying, I would never disclose anything about anything personal about anyone in my childcare or anyone that I know period.

I don't know what the pills are that dck is talking about, I don't think that they are illegal, but why does a 5 year old know about this stuff?

I don't want DCM using my business as her place of charity...
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daycare 12:25 PM 12-23-2014
I was also thinking, what does this say about me? Does this show that I don't have good judgement in who I chose to enter my daycare?
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lblanke 12:41 PM 12-23-2014
It does not at all mean anything bad about you. You are not the one who is wrong here. You are probably looking for kids who fit your program, get along with others and are well behaved so you can provide a safe and enjoyable atmosphere for the children you care for. You want parents who pay you on time and follow the rules. There is no way to anticipate every inappropriate thing a parent can do. But, if you do have a handbook, you may want to include no solicitations (including raising money for charity, selling girl scout cookies, school fund raisers, etc. to be conducted on your property/at your daycare) if you don't already have it, and maybe even something on party invitations/gift giving (if not all DCKs invited to birthday party, then no invitations given out in daycare; no gift giving between individual kids/families at daycare unless it is something to be shared by the group or everyone gets the exact same thing, etc. Then, you have a policy to fall back on when you politely decline to be the go between (since we don't allow any gift giving at day care, you will have to make arrangements outside of daycare to give mom your gifts; parents need to follow the same rules we set for the kids to avoid sending mixed messages).
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permanentvacation 12:48 PM 12-23-2014
I am a broke single mother, myself. Anyone who reads most of the threads here knows that about me as I have asked for advice from you guys on my financial issues.

However, I don't go around to co-workers, friends, neighbors, etc. telling my 'Oh poor me story'. I think the ones that do that are looking for attention and 'all they can get out of you'. I know a few people who are and have been struggling for a while and the ones that rant and beg from others are the ones that usually have the most because they 'poor me' them and make everyone feel sorry for them and give things to them.

Does this woman have a habit of telling her 'poor me story' to others? Is this situation new to her? If she is new to being broke, she might simply be frantically trying to get help and advice from anyone and everyone while she wraps her mind around her situation and tries to get a handle on her new situation.

If she has a habit of telling others her 'poor me' story, then I bet she isn't so poor and doesn't really need any hand outs. And probably isn't even trying to take care of herself, just wants to live off of everyone else. This is basically my sister and my niece (from another sister). I've told you about my sister a time or two. Here's my niece's story. My niece lives completely off of the government. She literally moved from the state she had lived in for years to this state after learning from my sister (not her mother) how to go about living completely off of the government! Yep! My sister TAUGHT my niece how to live off the government! All she had to do was move here, be homeless for a year, and make sure to sleep in a homeless shelter every night that recorded that she slept there so she had proof of being homeless! Keep in mind, she had a home of her own in the state she moved from! She purposely left her home, sold all of her stuff, moved to this state, and lived homeless for a year so she could then live off of the government for the rest of her life! Pathetic, isn't it? Anyway... She really is quite capable of working, but chooses to use her 'mental issues of being afraid of being in public' to get awarded money, a free house, everything from the government and doesn't work one second of any day. However, she can walk down the public sidewalks in a shady side of town to go to the public grocery stores, Walmart, the mall, restaurants, wherever she'd enjoy going! She also has gone to Burning Man on vacation and is currently in the state she moved from visiting family and friends. But hmmm... she's afraid of being in public, so she can't work and needs to live off of the government on disability. Yeah! Anyway, she's one of those that go around and tell everyone her 'poor me' story. She gets people to take her son on vacations with their families, gets people to make meals for them and bring them to her, gets people to give her money because she's so upset being in the house all the time, she just needs to get out, so people give her money so she can 'go enjoy herself' or they invite her out with them and pay for everything for her. Yeah, the more they holler 'poor me', typically the less they really need hand outs. At least, that's been my experience.

The ones, like me, that keep our mouth shut about being broke because we are embarrassed, our kids are embarrassed, we feel like complete failures and certainly don't want to scream that from the mountaintops to everyone we know, the ones that keep their mouths shut and quietly cry to themselves at night and are trying to figure things out for and by themselves, they are the ones that need and deserve others helping them. The ones that when asked how things are going, might mention or jokingly say on occasion something like 'yeah, times are hard, but we're making it'. And don't give everyone a 'poor me' speech, those are the ones that are truly scraping by while honestly doing their best to support themselves. The ones that keep their business and problems to themselves are the ones that really need and deserve others' help.

As far as your house being the 'drop off stuff for poor broke single mom'... I would not allow my house to become the donation drop off location. If they are being begged from her at other locations, then they can meet her there to give her the stuff. Or you could tell them what time she usually gets to your house for daycare and tell them they can meet her at her car at that time. I'd say something like you don't want to become the middle man with delivering things to her or something like that. I'm not very nicey-nicey, so I really am not the right person to suggest what to say. I, personally, would be completely blunt and say, "You can't leave stuff at my house for someone else, but she arrives here at 5, so you can meet her at her car then." That's most likely what I would say. If they fuss about wanting to leave stuff here, I'd say something like "If I do this for one parent, I'd have to do it for any other parent who asks me to allow others to drop things off here for them. Could you imagine if I had 2 or 3 parents receiving things at my house from other parents? I wouldn't have the room to store everything and I'd be responsible for it all until they pick it up." If the parents really want to give it to her, they'll wait for her to arrive or come back at her arrival time. Or will meet her wherever they saw her where she begged from them in the first place. Now, in my situation, they park on the street. I don't have a driveway. So, if they give her donations at their cars, while parked on the street, it isn't affecting my household.
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permanentvacation 12:51 PM 12-23-2014
Not wanting to be the drop off location does not make you a bad person. You simply don't want to be responsible for whatever they donate to her, don't want to have to store the items, and, if she says she doesn't want or need specific items that have been dropped off, you don't want to have to try to figure out what to do with whatever she might not want.

If you do this for her, you will have to be the 'delivery girl' for others. You don't want to start allowing that to happen at your home. You are a daycare provider, not a Goodwill store.
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AmyKidsCo 01:31 PM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by permanentvacation:
Not wanting to be the drop off location does not make you a bad person. You simply don't want to be responsible for whatever they donate to her, don't want to have to store the items, and, if she says she doesn't want or need specific items that have been dropped off, you don't want to have to try to figure out what to do with whatever she might not want.

If you do this for her, you will have to be the 'delivery girl' for others. You don't want to start allowing that to happen at your home. You are a daycare provider, not a Goodwill store.
I personally wouldn't get involved with what a parent decides to do on her own time as long as she's not soliciting through you or in your home. If she's asking for handouts it's not on you, it's on her. However, I wouldn't want to be a drop off point either, so I'd tell the parents that they need to make different arrangements.
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daycare 02:06 PM 12-23-2014
I feel like she has exhausted all other avenues since she has burnt out all of the local charities and churches so now she is looking for new prospects to ask for help. I feel like I need for her to know that my business is not a charity and that she is not to continue to proposition other families.

i should let her know that families have approached me and told me that they felt uncomfortable because they are not in a position to help. I told those families that I was very sorry and that they are not obligated to ever have to help her and that I would take care of it.

I feel awkward about the whole thing.
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KidGrind 02:18 PM 12-23-2014
I wouldn’t say a thing to her, unless you witnessed it on your property.

If she sees your other clients out in town and they ask how she’s doing? It is their business and choice to help her out. She doesn’t have to mute herself because her kid attends the same childcare.

Now if you were giving a party for all your clients and she started up with a sob story or solicited donations, money, etc. THEN AND ONLY then would I address it with her. I’d pull her to the side and remind her it’s a joyous time.

Also, if you’re unnerved by it, I’d address the parents dropping off stuff with her with the following, “Jane how generous of you. I think it’s awesome you’re helping Mindy out. In the future, I’ll need you the exchange to be between the two of you.”

You’ll take yourself out of the equation.
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permanentvacation 02:20 PM 12-23-2014
You know, you could always terminate her. She is being disrespectful to your business and bothering your other clients. If she keeps it up, you might lose some of your other clients.

I would tell her directly that although you feel bad for her situation, she can not continue to solicit your daycare parents as some have reported to you that they are uncomfortable with it.

If she continues to solicit your parents, terminate her.

This is, of course, if she is soliciting them on your property or just off your property as parents are arriving at daycare. If she is soliciting them elsewhere, there's nothing you can do about it other than refuse to be a drop off location or be involved in any way.
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daycare 02:28 PM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by permanentvacation:
You know, you could always terminate her. She is being disrespectful to your business and bothering your other clients. If she keeps it up, you might lose some of your other clients.

I would tell her directly that although you feel bad for her situation, she can not continue to solicit your daycare parents as some have reported to you that they are uncomfortable with it.

If she continues to solicit your parents, terminate her.

This is, of course, if she is soliciting them on your property or just off your property as parents are arriving at daycare. If she is soliciting them elsewhere, there's nothing you can do about it other than refuse to be a drop off location or be involved in any way.
I didnt ask where it is happening. This is also not the first issue that dcm has created that got other parents riled up.
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daycare 02:38 PM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by KidGrind:
I wouldn’t say a thing to her, unless you witnessed it on your property.

If she sees your other clients out in town and they ask how she’s doing? It is their business and choice to help her out. She doesn’t have to mute herself because her kid attends the same childcare.

Now if you were giving a party for all your clients and she started up with a sob story or solicited donations, money, etc. THEN AND ONLY then would I address it with her. I’d pull her to the side and remind her it’s a joyous time.

Also, if you’re unnerved by it, I’d address the parents dropping off stuff with her with the following, “Jane how generous of you. I think it’s awesome you’re helping Mindy out. In the future, I’ll need you the exchange to be between the two of you.”

You’ll take yourself out of the equation.
I completely see what you are saying, but have to disagree as other parents have come to me and are bothered by it. They should not be put in this situation by another DCP.

If it was not brought to my attention then I would not have to be involved, but it was, so unfortunately to keep the peace, I have to be the one to tell her no more...

anyone else agree with me or am I not seeing something here?
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daycare 03:09 PM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by permanentvacation:
I am a broke single mother, myself. Anyone who reads most of the threads here knows that about me as I have asked for advice from you guys on my financial issues.

However, I don't go around to co-workers, friends, neighbors, etc. telling my 'Oh poor me story'. I think the ones that do that are looking for attention and 'all they can get out of you'. I know a few people who are and have been struggling for a while and the ones that rant and beg from others are the ones that usually have the most because they 'poor me' them and make everyone feel sorry for them and give things to them.

Does this woman have a habit of telling her 'poor me story' to others? Is this situation new to her? If she is new to being broke, she might simply be frantically trying to get help and advice from anyone and everyone while she wraps her mind around her situation and tries to get a handle on her new situation.

If she has a habit of telling others her 'poor me' story, then I bet she isn't so poor and doesn't really need any hand outs. And probably isn't even trying to take care of herself, just wants to live off of everyone else. This is basically my sister and my niece (from another sister). I've told you about my sister a time or two. Here's my niece's story. My niece lives completely off of the government. She literally moved from the state she had lived in for years to this state after learning from my sister (not her mother) how to go about living completely off of the government! Yep! My sister TAUGHT my niece how to live off the government! All she had to do was move here, be homeless for a year, and make sure to sleep in a homeless shelter every night that recorded that she slept there so she had proof of being homeless! Keep in mind, she had a home of her own in the state she moved from! She purposely left her home, sold all of her stuff, moved to this state, and lived homeless for a year so she could then live off of the government for the rest of her life! Pathetic, isn't it? Anyway... She really is quite capable of working, but chooses to use her 'mental issues of being afraid of being in public' to get awarded money, a free house, everything from the government and doesn't work one second of any day. However, she can walk down the public sidewalks in a shady side of town to go to the public grocery stores, Walmart, the mall, restaurants, wherever she'd enjoy going! She also has gone to Burning Man on vacation and is currently in the state she moved from visiting family and friends. But hmmm... she's afraid of being in public, so she can't work and needs to live off of the government on disability. Yeah! Anyway, she's one of those that go around and tell everyone her 'poor me' story. She gets people to take her son on vacations with their families, gets people to make meals for them and bring them to her, gets people to give her money because she's so upset being in the house all the time, she just needs to get out, so people give her money so she can 'go enjoy herself' or they invite her out with them and pay for everything for her. Yeah, the more they holler 'poor me', typically the less they really need hand outs. At least, that's been my experience.

The ones, like me, that keep our mouth shut about being broke because we are embarrassed, our kids are embarrassed, we feel like complete failures and certainly don't want to scream that from the mountaintops to everyone we know, the ones that keep their mouths shut and quietly cry to themselves at night and are trying to figure things out for and by themselves, they are the ones that need and deserve others helping them. The ones that when asked how things are going, might mention or jokingly say on occasion something like 'yeah, times are hard, but we're making it'. And don't give everyone a 'poor me' speech, those are the ones that are truly scraping by while honestly doing their best to support themselves. The ones that keep their business and problems to themselves are the ones that really need and deserve others' help.

As far as your house being the 'drop off stuff for poor broke single mom'... I would not allow my house to become the donation drop off location. If they are being begged from her at other locations, then they can meet her there to give her the stuff. Or you could tell them what time she usually gets to your house for daycare and tell them they can meet her at her car at that time. I'd say something like you don't want to become the middle man with delivering things to her or something like that. I'm not very nicey-nicey, so I really am not the right person to suggest what to say. I, personally, would be completely blunt and say, "You can't leave stuff at my house for someone else, but she arrives here at 5, so you can meet her at her car then." That's most likely what I would say. If they fuss about wanting to leave stuff here, I'd say something like "If I do this for one parent, I'd have to do it for any other parent who asks me to allow others to drop things off here for them. Could you imagine if I had 2 or 3 parents receiving things at my house from other parents? I wouldn't have the room to store everything and I'd be responsible for it all until they pick it up." If the parents really want to give it to her, they'll wait for her to arrive or come back at her arrival time. Or will meet her wherever they saw her where she begged from them in the first place. Now, in my situation, they park on the street. I don't have a driveway. So, if they give her donations at their cars, while parked on the street, it isn't affecting my household.
thanks for writing all of this and you are soooooo right about those that really need help don't say anything. I was a single mom of two kids for some time and I NEVER in a million years could imagine doing what this DCM is doing. It was my choice for my life and it was my problem, not anyone else. I struggled bad. But I worked my tail off and did everything that was legal to keep a roof over our head, clothes on their back and food on the table. I can't stand those people that cry poor me I am a single mom, well guess what you should have thought about the possibilities before you decided to make that child.

To this day I have my own personal account set up "just in case fund". What if my husband leaves, gets hurt, or worst possible, dies. I always have to look out for me and my kids.

I guess I just don't really get how people could do this. To me it is an embarrassment.

BUT don't get me wrong, I like DCM she is a nice person, I just don't get why she is doing this all the time.
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Crazy8 03:15 PM 12-23-2014
if she is talking to them outside of your house - like at her job, etc. I really don't think you should say anything to her. It is up to the parents to tell her "oh sorry to hear that" and leave it at that. If they are bringing stuff to you to give her that is their choice. I would just tell them that you can not be the drop off point, that maybe they will want to bring it to her place of business.

If they are uncomfortable with it then they need to nip the conversation when it starts and they need to not give her stuff. Whether or not they are all clients of yours really doesn't matter if she is doing this outside of the daycare.

Now if she is standing outside your home waiting for them and asking them then you need to step in and tell her no more.
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daycare 03:20 PM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by Crazy8:
if she is talking to them outside of your house - like at her job, etc. I really don't think you should say anything to her. It is up to the parents to tell her "oh sorry to hear that" and leave it at that. If they are bringing stuff to you to give her that is their choice. I would just tell them that you can not be the drop off point, that maybe they will want to bring it to her place of business.

If they are uncomfortable with it then they need to nip the conversation when it starts and they need to not give her stuff. Whether or not they are all clients of yours really doesn't matter if she is doing this outside of the daycare.

Now if she is standing outside your home waiting for them and asking them then you need to step in and tell her no more.
Ok I see your point. I guess if she is doing it at her work, then really there is nothing that I can do about it. I am assuming that is where she is doing it, as everyone has delayed drop offs so that everyone is not dropping off at the same time. so my dcps hardly ever see each other.
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Laurel 04:49 PM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by Crazy8:
if she is talking to them outside of your house - like at her job, etc. I really don't think you should say anything to her. It is up to the parents to tell her "oh sorry to hear that" and leave it at that. If they are bringing stuff to you to give her that is their choice. I would just tell them that you can not be the drop off point, that maybe they will want to bring it to her place of business.

If they are uncomfortable with it then they need to nip the conversation when it starts and they need to not give her stuff. Whether or not they are all clients of yours really doesn't matter if she is doing this outside of the daycare.

Now if she is standing outside your home waiting for them and asking them then you need to step in and tell her no more.


The parents can speak for themselves if it makes them uncomfortable. But, like you say, I wouldn't want to be in the middle of it.

Laurel
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KidGrind 05:16 PM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by daycare:
I completely see what you are saying, but have to disagree as other parents have come to me and are bothered by it. They should not be put in this situation by another DCP.

If it was not brought to my attention then I would not have to be involved, but it was, so unfortunately to keep the peace, I have to be the one to tell her no more...

anyone else agree with me or am I not seeing something here?
I am alright with anyone disagreeing with me. You asked for opinions, I shared mine.

Your parents are all adults. They should nip her cry me a river stories in the bud when she addresses them. Again if it’s not happening at your home/business, it is not your problem. It’s unfortunate your clients are involving you.
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daycare 05:33 PM 12-23-2014
Originally Posted by KidGrind:
I am alright with anyone disagreeing with me. You asked for opinions, I shared mine.

Your parents are all adults. They should nip her cry me a river stories in the bud when she addresses them. Again if it’s not happening at your home/business, it is not your problem. It’s unfortunate your clients are involving you.
lmao ok I am flipping back to say that I have to agree with you that if it is not happening at my house, which I am not sure at this point if it is or not then it's none of my business. I will just tell them that I can't be involved and leave it at that.
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TaylorTots 07:09 AM 12-26-2014
Originally Posted by melilley:

I sometimes wonder where their child support goes. I know it's not supposed to pay for everything, but sometimes it seems like they don't even receive it.
I know of multiple single moms that don't get their child support and dad can provide her proof he pays it.

The state told her she was getting "too much assistance" and was not eligible for child support. The child support is collected by the state to pay back some of her welfare assistance.

This is in Iowa, not sure if its similar elsewhere.
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permanentvacation 07:51 AM 12-26-2014
I also know a lot of single mothers who don't receive the child support they are supposed to get. But they still don't harass their friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. with their 'poor me' speeches and don't beg for handouts from them. They just quietly do the best they can.
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Unregistered 12:36 PM 12-26-2014
Keep in mind many single mothers are single mothers by choice. Many choose to have children without a husband ON PURPOSE. Much of the welfare recipients in my area do JUST THAT!

They can have baby after baby, collect cs and welfare or sometimes, they'll go through lengths to have a child with NO baby dad on the birth certificate, so that they cannot be required to go after child support FIRST and welfare as a secondary. 1/2 of the clients I have have boyfriends that actually live with them, and care for them; meanwhile they're going to multiple charities, asking for toys (and getting them from MORE THAN ONE), food, gas, utilities, car repairs, food stamps, everything else they can get their hands on, and many of them who qualify for subsidy don't even work. (I always wonder what they're supposed to be doing, but hey, when I took subsidy, I never asked. I figure that's between them and the state)

It's nauseating, to say the least. I do not feel bad for most of the single moms I have ever dealt with. Unless your spouse beat you up, or your s/o died or you had an unexpected divorce, you are single because you made certain choices in your life that led you on that path. It does not mean your life is so much harder than anyone else's, and the woe is me is really getting old.

I know a married couple that BOTH work, do not qualify for any assistance not even disability! They struggle dearly because the military dad works part time after injury from a deployment from years ago. Mom works FT at a bank. They truly struggle even though they are all together (them, 3 kids) and do not ask for ANYTHING. They, I feel for. Just because they are married does not make their lives any easier than any single-with kids person's life.

Single parenting may be tough, but it certainly isn't the only hardship out there, and I think many people forget that.
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permanentvacation 01:42 PM 12-26-2014
I am a single mother because my ex was abusive. After years of it, I finally told him that I'd rather live in a cardboard box then take the abuse any longer and for him to either be nice or get out. He got out. I'm getting close to needing a cardboard box! lol!

I also know of people who pop one baby out after another just to live off of the government. Then stay home watching cable tv and eating all day long. You know they are healthy enough to go out to work, but find a way to get around having to work too. I can't get over people like that! My sister, her daughter, and my niece from my other sister all just sit around the house all day long living off of our taxes. My sister and my niece from my other sister both have food stamps, free health insurance, free cell phones, cash from the government, my niece gets free door to door vehicle service, and they both have a free HOUSE to live in even!!! They have a house, gas and electric, food, cable, internet, a house phone, and a cell phone and no one in their households work! Both of their households completely live off of our taxes! Oh, and they each have a dog! Yep! My taxes are not only providing for the people's survival, but also for them to enjoy having a pet and pay for the pet's food, water, toys, leash, collar, and vet bills! Wow! Just WOW!

I don't know how they live with themselves. If I were them, I would not have any self-respect or dignity. My conscience would keep me up all night long. I just can't fathom literally not trying to do anything at all to support myself. My mother has probably been rolling over in her grave about my sister living like she does.

It absolutely disgusts me that my own family members choose to be so unbelievably lazy and live completely off of other people! I stopped talking to my sister a while ago and I only talk to my niece on a very slim occasion when she calls me.

I don't mind people getting occasional help if they are working, but still not able to quite make ends meet. But for people to go year after year completely living their entire lives off of the government when they are perfectly capable of getting a job but chose not to just infuriates me!
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permanentvacation 01:56 PM 12-26-2014
Oh, and lets not forget that my taxes buys their kids and grand kids MANY MANY toys every Christmas! Here my kids sit with me buying them ONE stupid little thing each. I got my older daughter a plant for Christmas! A PLANT! That's it. I got my 16 year old one little $8.00 trinket of a mother elephant and her baby. I got my older daughter's boyfriend a mug with his favorite football team on it, and I got my younger daughter's boyfriend a t-shirt. That's all I got for anyone...

A plant
An elephant trinket
A mug
and
A t-shirt

That's all I could afford!

However, each year my sister can afford (from our taxes) to buy a boat load of toys for her 5 or 7 or however many grand kids she raises. My niece can afford to buy expensive technology toys for her son. And this year my niece was able to afford to take her family to Florida for Christmas to visit family! No one in their house works, but I work every week day, typically 11 hours per day and sometimes on the weekends. And I can barely afford the minimum to live. And all I can afford is 4 stupid cheap Christmas presents!

Something's wrong with that!
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Unregistered 07:07 AM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I would kindly ask her to not make requests for items from your other clients, and tell her that it has the potential to make them uncomfortable and puts you in a difficult spot. I would give her a list of charities (which it sounds like she already has.)

I'm sorry, but I am VERY sick of the 'I am a single Mom, I am entitled to all the free things! Pity me and give me stuff!"
I so agree! And the excuses and sob stories also. No pride, I'm entitled attitude. It's easy people, don't breed them if you can't feed them!
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craftymissbeth 08:28 AM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I so agree! And the excuses and sob stories also. No pride, I'm entitled attitude. It's easy people, don't breed them if you can't feed them!
While I agree that single mothers aren't entitled to anything more than any other parent, the bolded is really ignorant, IMO. I know I certainly never dreamt I'd be a single parent when I "bred" and had my child 8 years ago. Since I currently receive food assistance from the state should I be ashamed that I need help feeding my child?! Should he suffer because I couldn't keep my freaking marriage together and now I'm so broke that I had to turn to the state for help?!

Get off your high freaking horse. It's a difficult concept to grasp, apparently, but every last one of us is on the edge of losing everything... we just don't realize it until it happens.
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daycare 08:46 AM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by craftymissbeth:
While I agree that single mothers aren't entitled to anything more than any other parent, the bolded is really ignorant, IMO. I know I certainly never dreamt I'd be a single parent when I "bred" and had my child 8 years ago. Since I currently receive food assistance from the state should I be ashamed that I need help feeding my child?! Should he suffer because I couldn't keep my freaking marriage together and now I'm so broke that I had to turn to the state for help?!

Get off your high freaking horse. It's a difficult concept to grasp, apparently, but every last one of us is on the edge of losing everything... we just don't realize it until it happens.
that was a really bold ignorant statement to make...

life happens..........
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Unregistered 09:01 AM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by craftymissbeth:
While I agree that single mothers aren't entitled to anything more than any other parent, the bolded is really ignorant, IMO. I know I certainly never dreamt I'd be a single parent when I "bred" and had my child 8 years ago. Since I currently receive food assistance from the state should I be ashamed that I need help feeding my child?! Should he suffer because I couldn't keep my freaking marriage together and now I'm so broke that I had to turn to the state for help?!

Get off your high freaking horse. It's a difficult concept to grasp, apparently, but every last one of us is on the edge of losing everything... we just don't realize it until it happens.
Since my tax dollars are raising YOUR child, I will say anything I like. If you don't like it, TOUGH!
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Blackcat31 09:06 AM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Since my tax dollars are raising YOUR child, I will say anything I like. If you don't like it, TOUGH!
Your tax dollars are not a license to be rude.

No one plans to be in need at times.

I surely hope you are never in need as we reap what we sow and if you are choosing to be so cold and callous to those you "think" aren't worth being respectful to, I can only imagine what you'll get in return.

I don't appreciate the fact that you feel you have a right to come to this forum and insult one of it's contributing members and if you can't be respectful or at the very least, civil then you are free to leave.

If you don't like my response to you....

TOUGH!!
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Leigh 09:23 AM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Your tax dollars are not a license to be rude.

No one plans to be in need at times.

I surely hope you are never in need as we reap what we sow and if you are choosing to be so cold and callous to those you "think" aren't worth being respectful to, I can only imagine what you'll get in return.

I don't appreciate the fact that you feel you have a right to come to this forum and insult one of it's contributing members and if you can't be respectful or at the very least, respectful then you are free to leave.

If you don't like my response to you....

TOUGH!!
I agree that there are some who take advantage of the system, but MOST people who use assistance have paid plenty into the same system themselves, making them entitled to use it. Thank God that our country has this safety net for families! No one is getting rich on assistance. It NEVER is enough. It takes a lot for a person to admit that they need some help and go through the humiliating process of applying for assistance. I will GLADLY pay taxes into a system that doesn't make people suffer and go cold and hungry when they hit hard times. I pray that I never need it myself, but I feel safer knowing that it is there. Only the ignorant (and the perpetually angry) think that using assistance is the easy way-it's not. I'd much rather that my taxes go to helping people than for the utterly wasteful things that the majority of those taxes go to.
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Laurel 09:54 AM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by permanentvacation:
Oh, and lets not forget that my taxes buys their kids and grand kids MANY MANY toys every Christmas! Here my kids sit with me buying them ONE stupid little thing each. I got my older daughter a plant for Christmas! A PLANT! That's it. I got my 16 year old one little $8.00 trinket of a mother elephant and her baby. I got my older daughter's boyfriend a mug with his favorite football team on it, and I got my younger daughter's boyfriend a t-shirt. That's all I got for anyone...

A plant
An elephant trinket
A mug
and
A t-shirt

That's all I could afford!

However, each year my sister can afford (from our taxes) to buy a boat load of toys for her 5 or 7 or however many grand kids she raises. My niece can afford to buy expensive technology toys for her son. And this year my niece was able to afford to take her family to Florida for Christmas to visit family! No one in their house works, but I work every week day, typically 11 hours per day and sometimes on the weekends. And I can barely afford the minimum to live. And all I can afford is 4 stupid cheap Christmas presents!

Something's wrong with that!
Why don't you report your relatives if they are cheating the system? Just curious really.

I really have no idea about their situation but once you mentioned, I think, that your sister has two children that have drug problems and is also raising a few grandchildren because their parents have drug issues. My son has had drug abuse problems for years and I can't even wrap my mind around having two children so afflicted. It is such chaos and heartbreak. Times 2 might just break me. Then if I'd have had to raise the grandchildren as well? Wow, it is hard for my mind to even go there.

She may very well be cheating the system and, if so, you should report her. I just can't help but feel for her at least a little though. I can't even imagine what she must have to live through everyday. Can she work if she has grandchildren at home or are they all school aged?

Laurel
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Laurel 09:57 AM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by Leigh:


I agree that there are some who take advantage of the system, but MOST people who use assistance have paid plenty into the same system themselves, making them entitled to use it. Thank God that our country has this safety net for families! No one is getting rich on assistance. It NEVER is enough. It takes a lot for a person to admit that they need some help and go through the humiliating process of applying for assistance. I will GLADLY pay taxes into a system that doesn't make people suffer and go cold and hungry when they hit hard times. I pray that I never need it myself, but I feel safer knowing that it is there. Only the ignorant (and the perpetually angry) think that using assistance is the easy way-it's not. I'd much rather that my taxes go to helping people than for the utterly wasteful things that the majority of those taxes go to.
Amen sister!!!

I agree.

Laurel
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permanentvacation 10:19 AM 12-29-2014
Guest,

Okay, you need to go. You should take a break from this forum. No one needs you coming on here and attacking them with your hateful comments here.

I agree with Blackcat and Leigh. I have commented about people like my sister and niece who purposely take advantage of the system completely living off the government for years, and not even trying to lift one finger to take care of themselves at all.

When I read your comment, 'If you can't feed them, don't breed them', I gave you the benefit of a doubt and thought you meant for people who already had kids that they couldn't afford to take care of, and purposely kept having more children just to get more assistance from the government. I know people like that and feel that they are living completely wrong. People like that really bother me.

However, after Craftymissbeth explained her situation of having her child while she was able to take care of him then something happened in her life which made her go through tough times and need help, you chastised her. So, now we know that you feel that anyone, no matter what their situation, who is getting help for their family, you have a problem with. Wow! I hope you never lose your job unexpectedly, or your man never starts beating on you or your child, or you or your spouse never have an extreme medical emergency and find yourself in financial difficulties. I'd hate for you to have to lower yourself to needing assistance taking care of your child or yourself.

But, for people like Craftymissbeth and me, who were quite capable of taking care of their children until something drastic happened to flip our worlds upside down and left us struggling and needing help to take care of our kids, we didn't purposely put ourselves in this situation and certainly don't deserve to be attacked by people like you who feel you have the right to criticize us.

I don't know Craftymissbeth's story as to why she fell on hard times. But I've told mine plenty of times. My ex was abusive and after years of me being hit, shoved around, cuss me out, go to strip clubs and then call the stripper after he got home, having him threaten to kill me weekly which made me paranoid to walk away from my drink or have him bring me home something to eat for fear he'd poison it, having my kids watch him do all this to me in front of them, then when my younger daughter was 3 years old, she'd run in front of me to 'protect' me and she'd tell him, 'stop Daddy, you're scaring me.' Just to have him cuss her out and threaten to hit her too. The whole time I'm telling her to just go to her room, 'I'll be okay, I can handle this'.

It took my YEARS of that abuse going on pretty much weekly, sometimes a couple times per week before I got the courage to demand that he either be nice or get out of the house. He got out and our house and for the first time in YEARS, actually safe for us to live in!

From living through his abuse, which I did for so long because I am a Christian woman and was trying to help him through his anger, and staying with him because I really didn't believe in divorce. But, from living through his abuse for so long, I am literally scared to death to let another man into my life, my older daughter has black out spells when she gets too emotionally upset, and my younger daughter has gone through all sorts of anxiety attacks, fear of being alone - I literally used to have to stand outside of the bathroom door when she went to the bathroom or took a shower! We moved from Maryland to Florida for a while just to get away from him and my younger daughter was afraid to ride her bike in the neighborhood for fear he'd show up and go crazy on her. I had to walk with her while she rode her bike! She is 16 now and still has anxiety attacks and is afraid to be in the house by herself after about 10 pm. She has to take sleeping pills just to be able to sleep through the night!

Yeah, I'm broke off my butt without his income. Yep, I need government help to take care of my kids and myself. YES, YOUR TAXES - oh, and by the way, MY TAXES are raising my kids. But, if I hadn't had him leave, my kids and I might have even more emotional/psychological problems than we already have, or one or all of us might be dead by now. So, to save us from the abuse, I did what I had to do and became a single mother. Which actually makes me a GOOD MOTHER even though I am a broke mother who needs help.

So, for you to come on here and get mouthy about someone like me, who is not abusing the system, who had a 'normal life' when they had their child, but then something happened to make them unexpectedly, or out of necessity become a single mother who then needed help to take care of her child makes me livid!

You just need to get off this forum! Good bye, don't let the laptop screen hit your fingers as you close it!
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permanentvacation 10:46 AM 12-29-2014
Laurel,

Yes, she could go to work during the day, all the children are supposed to be in school, but of course, she decided it's best if she home-schooled one of them. But he really could, and, in my opinion, should, be in school. I don't feel that she is truly focused on home-schooling him like she should be. She does teach him some, but not like he should be taught. I home-schooled my kids for a while and my other sister home-schooled her one daughter for a while, so know what she should be doing, and she is falling short. But, here, we can also legally unschool our children, so there's really nothing I can do about reporting her. At the end of the year, she will have to prove to the school board that she has taught him enough of the information that he, at his age and grade level, would be expected to have been taught. If she hasn't, he will have to repeat that grade. If she has, he will be advanced to the next grade.

But really, she should put that child in school with the other grand kids and get off her butt and get a job at least from 10-2 while the kids are in school. But she'd rather live completely off of the government.

As far as her kids being involved in drugs. Her kids are grown adults. They are the parents of the grandchildren that my sister has custody of because they can't take care of them. Her son has been in and out of jail most of his life. He's currently serving a 7 year sentence. Her daughter completed some state program to get her off of drugs, but part of the program is that she is now legally given some kind of major drug as her 'medicine'. So, she's just strung out legally now! She's typically laying on the sofa in the house just high as she can be. But it's all legal - that's her medicine!

The courts know everything she's doing. But I don't think she's supposed to have her daughter living with her according to housing. Her daughter used to have her own apartment through the drug program, but once she got off that, she didn't have money to get her own place, so she lives with her mom.

Her other son does drugs on occasion. And a lot of people know him. So, they know that someone who is known to at least, often enough, gets high, goes to her house to visit. He does not live there, but he helps her out with giving her rides to stores, taking the kids places, etc.

I don't think she's really doing too much illegal. I don't think her daughter is supposed to live there, though. But the thing with her is that she draws so much attention to her house by having 3 of her grown kids with their boyfriend/girlfriends, 2 of them are known by the neighborhood to be involved in drugs, the daughter, legally and the son on occasion. God only knows how many grand kids she's raising, honestly, I lost count! They are all ungodly loud. Plus she has the kids' friends over at times. It's just a boatload of people in and out of the house and a couple of them, others know are on drugs, so people talk about her something awful.

I just think that she needs to tone it down a bit. However, I have told this to a couple of people, not that actual authorities, but people who know how the government works regarding people like my sister. They have all told me that the government would not do anything to or about her.

I don't know, I'm just waiting for housing to kick her out for all the chaos she has going on over there. But people tell me they won't. I certainly don't want her to be kicked out. I just think she's skating on thin ice.
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Laurel 02:11 PM 12-29-2014
Well it is a complicated situation for sure. Thanks, I was just wondering.

Laurel
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permanentvacation 02:35 PM 12-29-2014
Laurel,

You're welcome. Yeah, her household is just a bit too much.
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daycare 02:41 PM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by permanentvacation:
Laurel,

You're welcome. Yeah, her household is just a bit too much.
I see people who take advantage all the time and it just kills me. Just the other day I saw this lady with some very expensive pants and shoes oh and purse. All together about $1500.00 it all looked very very new. But she was paying for with food stamps and arguing about her bill. I know its not fair of me to think that way, for all I know it could have been a gift, but this is where I guess I differ than most people that I would have sold those things on ebay and saved that money for emergency or months I was short on cash instead of keeping it. Also for all Iknow maybe her husband or domestic partner just passed and it was her only way to make things work without selling everything she has.

It just looks bad........ If everyone would truly use it as it was to be used we could really help out those that really needed it by helping them further their education so they could get a better paying job and move on so that they can pay back into it to help the next person in line.

If only we could resolve word peace....................lol
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permanentvacation 03:08 PM 12-29-2014
Yeah, I've sold everything I can. I kind of had to when my ex-husband moved us from a 3 bedroom house to a one bedroom apartment! We didn't have any space for most of our stuff anyway! If we don't use it daily, it has been sold. Well, other than our off season clothes. But I did sell plenty of our clothes and took us down to the clothes that we truly wear. We've been back into a 3 bedroom home for years now, but I still didn't buy a bunch of stuff. We don't even have living room furniture or a real bedroom set.

I try not to get too bothered by people who's story I don't know. Because, like you said, you don't know if the item was a gift, or maybe the only nice thing they own, or if the nice car they are driving that day is a friend's who let them borrow it. But I know a good bit of people's complete stories that are using the mess out of the system and since I know for a fact that they are, I can't stand them.

The one thing that kills me even though I don't know their story is that almost every woman in DSS on welfare is wearing fake nails! They spend their money on a full set of nails and fill-ins weekly! And here I sit trimming my own bangs and putting my hair up in ponytails every day because it's so long it drives me nuts, but I don't have the money to get it cut. And I certainly don't have fake nails!
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daycare 03:29 PM 12-29-2014
Originally Posted by permanentvacation:
Yeah, I've sold everything I can. I kind of had to when my ex-husband moved us from a 3 bedroom house to a one bedroom apartment! We didn't have any space for most of our stuff anyway! If we don't use it daily, it has been sold. Well, other than our off season clothes. But I did sell plenty of our clothes and took us down to the clothes that we truly wear. We've been back into a 3 bedroom home for years now, but I still didn't buy a bunch of stuff. We don't even have living room furniture or a real bedroom set.

I try not to get too bothered by people who's story I don't know. Because, like you said, you don't know if the item was a gift, or maybe the only nice thing they own, or if the nice car they are driving that day is a friend's who let them borrow it. But I know a good bit of people's complete stories that are using the mess out of the system and since I know for a fact that they are, I can't stand them.

The one thing that kills me even though I don't know their story is that almost every woman in DSS on welfare is wearing fake nails! They spend their money on a full set of nails and fill-ins weekly! And here I sit trimming my own bangs and putting my hair up in ponytails every day because it's so long it drives me nuts, but I don't have the money to get it cut. And I certainly don't have fake nails!
fake nails must be a nation wide thing and must be a HUGE ego booster...lol

I had one dcm years ago who was always struggle with paying me. always going to get a pay day loan...but she had the best looking nails I have ever seen...lol

I love to get my nails painted....by my 16 year old daughter who does it for free...lol
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permanentvacation 03:51 PM 12-29-2014
"I love to get my nails painted....by my 16 year old daughter who does it for free...lol"

LOL!!

I think it is universal for them to get their nails done. If you want to see a room full of good looking nails, go to Social Services!
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Unregistered 04:06 PM 12-29-2014
If your hair is really long some places will cut it for free if you donate your hair. It's usually the chain places. Call around and see if any of your local places participate in that program.
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permanentvacation 04:23 PM 12-29-2014
It's not that long. It's just past my shoulders. But I like my hair in an undercut just above my shoulders. It's about 3 inches too long for me. Just enough that it irritates me.
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craftymissbeth 06:02 PM 12-30-2014
Originally Posted by daycare:
that was a really bold ignorant statement to make...

life happens..........
My statement was bold and ignorant?
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craftymissbeth 06:05 PM 12-30-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Since my tax dollars are raising YOUR child, I will say anything I like. If you don't like it, TOUGH!
Oh, dear, sweet, unregistered... your tax dollars are not RAISING my child I'm raising my child with MY tax dollars. The taxes that I have been paying since I started working at 14 years old. And unless you live in Kansas, your tax dollars don't contribute towards any assistance I receive.

Anyway, sorry, everyone for letting this person bother me. Life is pretty crummy at the moment and this person's comment was a nice little kick in the gut for me.
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daycare 06:55 PM 12-30-2014
Originally Posted by craftymissbeth:
My statement was bold and ignorant?
sorry I am confused.... I was not meaning that towards you....I was talking to the unregistered.
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renodeb 04:06 PM 01-01-2015
Truthfully, that would make me really uncomfortable. You need to tell her how uncomfortable that makes you and that this is your work place and to not cross that line.
Debbie
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