Default Style Register
Daycare.com Forum
Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>How Attached Do You Become?
AuntTami 04:05 PM 10-17-2014
How attached do you become to your daycare kids? Are they just fun little kids, or do you think of them as your own flesh and blood? Or somewhere in the middle? I'm just kind of wondering where everyone stands on the emotions involving their dck's and how much they "love" them...

For instance, my full time DCB is the sweetest, cutest little boy and I love having him here. I told his mother yesterday that he's "like my nephew"... But I have a couple part timers that I have fun with while they're here, and they're super cute, but they're not "family" in the way my FT DCB is... Does that make any sense? I *guess* it would make him like a "favorite" (even though I DONT have a favorite!) I'm just wondering how far you extend your love? Do you cross into that "feeling like family" area or do you strictly keep it at "she's a really cute and fun kid and I enjoy having her around" level?
Reply
Josiegirl 04:11 PM 10-17-2014
After being burned a couple(hundred) times I try to keep my emotions at bay.
I had a dcb from 4 months till 3 1/2, lost him and his baby brother to a nanny. I cried buckets over that one and actually made myself sick. Another dcf asked if I'd care for their dcg for 9 days when they were gone. I said sure. OMG when they came home it was like turning over my own child. Then a year later when I took a few weeks off for maternity leave, dcm told me they were staying with the new dcprovider. I was heartbroken.
So yeh, I feel sad when they leave, some more than others. I have lots of fun with them while they're here and I care about them, but not like my own. Besides, always in the back of my mind now, I'm thinking a dcf can change plans at the drop of a hat.
Reply
Butter Biskets 04:13 PM 10-17-2014
I have one that I love, but not in the it's my child, real love, kind of way. She is my favorite and I would even take her after hours if I was available. There is just something about that girl if you know what I mean. The others, meh, I like them and all, but I can't say that I am attached to them or anything. I wouldn't take them after hours unless I really needed the money. That being said, I don't think that I would cry if my favorite (but I don't have favorites, lol) ever left. As bad as it sounds, the kids are my job and there will be others. This one is just special.
Reply
KidGrind 05:27 PM 10-17-2014
I get attached.

I get my career is to provide a safe and nurturing place for the kids. I know the parents as soon as they get a better deal or more convenient situation they will bounce. I get it.

Yet, most of the little ones that cross my doorway wiggle their way into my heart. There has been one or two that I’ve been like, “Buh Bye!” The rest I will ugly cry when I know they are moving on. There are two that I can actually type I love them as if they’re my own. I know they are not mine. And I know I am paid to provide care. Yet, if I won Lotto tomorrow. I’d keep them part-time for free.
Reply
BumbleBee 05:56 PM 10-17-2014
Let me preface this by saying that all of the children I provide care for are well cared for while they are in my home.

As far as attachment goes, the completely honest answer is, it depends on my relationship with the child's parents.

If the parents and I have a great business relationship then I tend to be more attached to their child(ren).

If the parents and I do not have a great business relationship I am not as attached to their child(ren).

Every once and awhile I have a child who I form an attachment with even though the parents and I do not have a great business relationship. Those situations are tough for me.
Reply
TickleMonster 07:49 PM 10-17-2014
I love my little ones but I do not get attached and think of them as my own anymore. I have in the past. I had 3 little boys (all brothers) that I just adored and one little girl who I loved so much that I would have cared for 24/7 if mom would have let me. After both families left, even though both were on great terms, I bawled my eyes out and felt depressed for weeks. It was over a year before I could look at their pics without crying. So no, I refuse to get that attached anymore.
Reply
kitykids3 07:58 AM 10-18-2014
I do get attached. Not as much as I used to, when my first family left i was heartbroken, and have been times since then. I do get very attached to the children and love them, but not the parents. The hardest part of this job is caring for a child for years and them leaving. But the benefits far outweigh that.
Reply
midaycare 08:28 AM 10-18-2014
I get attached. I will admit I get attached to some more than others, but I do care for all of them. I have a preference for dcb's over dcg's, but all of the kids here are really cool
Reply
Sunchimes 12:03 PM 10-18-2014
My first dc child was here from the time she was 6 months old until she left for school last month, at 4 years old. For most of the first couple of years, she was the only child, sometimes one of 2. She was ours. I took that child into my heart. I hated the idea of sending her to school. I even offered to change my program to a pre-k program. Mom wisely decided that she had me wrapped around her little finger and the child needed to learn about other adults. It was a good choice, I see that now. It hasn't been too hard so far, because I still have her little brother and see her twice a day. But, he leaves for school in January, and I won't be seeing her anymore. It's breaking my heart.

That said, I saw the mess my heart was getting into a long time ago, and I vowed not to make them my own anymore. I love my daycare kids like grandkids, I can't help it. But they aren't part of my heart now. I love them, will always love them, but I'm able to let them go when it's time. Luckily, I've never parted on bad terms with a parent, so I can still see them around town, on FB, and we all hug and enjoy the visit. It was a hard lesson that little girl taught me, but a valuable one. Love them, don't adopt them.

Now though, I have a new baby. A teensie micro-preemie that mom has declared "our baby". I can already feel my heart slipping into that same place. Hubby has already fallen into the trap and I find myself telling him to put her down, it's ok if she cries for a few minutes. If he had his way, she would never be in a swing or crib. I'm afraid that I may have to do this job until this child goes to high school, because he isn't going to let her go. I'm not sure I can let her go either. But you know what? I don't think I could like myself much if I didn't love my kids.

Midaycare, I'm just the opposite. I much prefer girls over boys. I would like to be a girls only dc, but since I do special needs, that isn't going to happen. Something like 90% of the ECI kids are boys. It was just a miracle that I got this new little girl.
Reply
EntropyControlSpecialist 12:10 PM 10-18-2014
Originally Posted by Trummynme:
Let me preface this by saying that all of the children I provide care for are well cared for while they are in my home.

As far as attachment goes, the completely honest answer is, it depends on my relationship with the child's parents.

If the parents and I have a great business relationship then I tend to be more attached to their child(ren).

If the parents and I do not have a great business relationship I am not as attached to their child(ren).

Every once and awhile I have a child who I form an attachment with even though the parents and I do not have a great business relationship. Those situations are tough for me.
I am the same. Although, I do not love any. I like them. Care for them. Don't love them.
Reply
daycarediva 12:10 PM 10-18-2014
Originally Posted by KidGrind:
I get attached.

I get my career is to provide a safe and nurturing place for the kids. I know the parents as soon as they get a better deal or more convenient situation they will bounce. I get it.

Yet, most of the little ones that cross my doorway wiggle their way into my heart. There has been one or two that I’ve been like, “Buh Bye!” The rest I will ugly cry when I know they are moving on. There are two that I can actually type I love them as if they’re my own. I know they are not mine. And I know I am paid to provide care. Yet, if I won Lotto tomorrow. I’d keep them part-time for free.
Yup. I ugly cry over most of them. Can't help it at all.
Reply
Kelly 04:25 PM 10-18-2014
I am definitely attached to my current dcb. I feel like his grandma--his mom is about the age of my own kids and I'll never have any grandkids. He's the only one I have right now. He started here 2 years ago when he was 7 months. He had been shaken by his dad at 4 months and had some delays, was getting physical therapy, etc. (He is fine now.) I know someday he'll leave and I don't even like to think about it. I worked in a daycare center 30 years ago and still get sad when I think about one of the little girls there that I got attached to. I'm sure it will be the same way with this dcb.
Reply
nannyde 04:51 PM 10-18-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
Yup. I ugly cry over most of them. Can't help it at all.
Ugly cryer here too. When they are going to Kindy I start grieving in February! I can't imagine my life without them.
Reply
Unregistered 05:09 PM 10-18-2014
I really love kids kindergarten age and younger. Love to be around them. Understand them. Speak their language. Have worked with young kids for 30 years....they are my life! That said, I enjoy them, they bring me much happiness, but I do not get deeply, emotionally attached.
Reply
SignMeUp 06:13 PM 10-18-2014
I cry when some of them leave too. But many keep in touch as they grow up
Some are among my friends now. It's funny when they tell other people how we know each other
Reply
Unregistered 07:31 PM 10-18-2014
I used to before I had my own children. I also cringe at how much money I put out of my pocket before my first pregnancy. Now, I just look at it as a business. I do the best I can, but if a parent doesn't see something as necessary I'm not putting money out. For years, I used to buy things from their churches or girl scout type they were involved in. It was never buy a box of cookies (or whatever they happened to be peddling), it was always "If she/he sells ten more boxes of cookies, she/he's reached their goal". What really ANNOYED me was one year I was given a box of candy. The box didn't say any company or group. I was told I could have it or give it to the children. I made sure to ask if it was free. The mother told me it was free. That her school (she was a teacher) let's the teachers keep the extra candy. Ok, whatever. I ended up eating it over the weekend. My husband helped, but it was mostly me. LOL The mom comes back Monday and says I owe her a hundred dollars. I just looked at her dumbfounded and she said "I want my money when I come to pick her up". During nap, I wrote a termination letter. The best was she actually had the father come drop the child off. I refused to answer the door. You can be too kind hearted. The majority will burn you.
Reply
Crazy8 03:42 PM 10-19-2014
I take very good care of the little ones in my care, but I do not get very attached. Partially its just not my personality but its also because I have been doing this long enough (13 yrs) to see many kids come and go and I just don't get very attached to them anymore.
Reply
Blackcat31 03:51 PM 10-19-2014
Originally Posted by Crazy8:
I take very good care of the little ones in my care, but I do not get very attached. Partially its just not my personality but its also because I have been doing this long enough (13 yrs) to see many kids come and go and I just don't get very attached to them anymore.
Same here..

I "love" them while they're here (some more than others) but when they go, they go and it's rarely anymore than an adjustment to the change in group dynamics.

Does that make me cold and uncaring?

I don't think so.

I think it's a combination of a self-protection mechanism and realism.
Reply
Shell 05:37 PM 10-19-2014
I've always been incredibly close to my students and parents while teaching. I love building those relationships, and kind of centered my approach to families the same way at my home. The problem is, your students stay with you for a full year, and then move on- it's a natural and foreseeable conclusion. Not the same with home daycare, and I learned the hard way after losing a family with a dcg that I really loved. As someone on here says, I think it's BC, "parents are going to do what works for them every time". They dropped me the second it was no longer convenient, and it really has affected the way I see families in general. I try not to get attached, and tell myself anyone can leave at anytime- it's business. So, yes, I would say I have a bit of a wall up- like a person dating that was just cheated on in the last relationship But, I sure do take the best care of them imaginable and want the best for their families.
Reply
DaveA 04:05 AM 10-20-2014
Not really. I enjoy having them here and caring for them, but there leaving doesn't bother me.
Reply
LadyK8 04:48 AM 10-20-2014
I get attached depending on the child. I have an infant here who's family is on vacation until the 27th, and have been gone for two weeks.

I have to force myself not to watch videos of her on my phone. lol Had her since she was two months and she's 7 1/2 months now.
Reply
originalkat 05:05 AM 10-20-2014
I think I get somewhat attached, and I do shed tears when some leave for kindy. But really it is just a short adjustment period and I am over it. I still miss some kids' personalities or a certain group dynamic though. It takes me some time to attach to new kids (months).
Reply
taylorw1210 05:09 AM 10-20-2014
I don't get attached. I adore the kids while they are in my care, and I love forming friendships with the families and being a part of their lives while they are here, but I know that it is just for a season and do not allow myself to form an attachment to the kiddos.
Reply
Soccermom 09:51 AM 10-20-2014
I don't get attached although the parents seem to think I do . They will tell their DCK to come give me a big hug at pick up on Friday because I won't see them again until Monday. They are cute and I like hugs but I can survive the weekend without one....I actually do the happy dance every single Friday when the last kid leaves and rush to put the daycare stuff away...most of the time I start to put it away an hour before pick up.

Don't get me wrong, the care and happiness of these kids is a huge priority for me but let's face it, they aren't mine. They already have a family who loves them and I am just here to keep them safe and happy so their parents can do their jobs and so I can feed my own kids at the end of the week.

I do however like some more than others....mostly the quiet ones who smile a lot
Reply
deliberateliterate 10:05 AM 10-20-2014
Originally Posted by DaveArmour:
Not really. I enjoy having them here and caring for them, but there leaving doesn't bother me.
Ditto this. Sometimes it makes me feel a little heartless, but I'm never super sad to see anyone go.
Reply
Annalee 10:31 AM 10-20-2014
Originally Posted by deliberateliterate:
Ditto this. Sometimes it makes me feel a little heartless, but I'm never super sad to see anyone go.
I don't think you are heartless, just a realist! There are times I allow myself to become too close to parents and/or children...but, in the end, we have a business! To clients we are a business, but to children we can be much more than that and if we allow ourselves to get too close, then we get hurt..( and I have done that many times)....as we grow, we learn how to combat the hurt with a move forward attitude.
Reply
melilley 10:54 AM 10-20-2014
I get attached to some and others I don't, it just depends on the child. Like Trummy said, they are all well taken care of no matter how I feel.

I have one little girl right now who I love and would take her anytime! I have one dcb who if he's not here, I don't bat an eye. I've only had 2 dck's leave here so far and for one I almost cried.
Reply
renodeb 09:19 AM 10-21-2014
Good thread,
I love very whole heartedly. Most of the kids I have had through here I have been very attached to. There has only been a few kids that I just didnt feel that warmth from. Don't get me wrong, each child is loved and cared for but I have had very strong bonds to. I try never to show favoritism. I think its human nature to get somewhat attached. I think it's hard not to. I dont understand the stance on getting burned. I think it depends on the conditions under which they left. Each of us have a different approach to dc and thats what makes this site so good.
Deb
Reply
KiddieCahoots 01:41 PM 10-21-2014
I do love them and get attached, but not like my own.
And yes, some I love more than others.

Quick story.....One morning at drop off a favorite dcm tells me about the night before at home during bed time. She tells me that dcb 3yrs was crying to her and asking for his mommy. She said what's the matter I'm right here, and he responds, no my other mommy , (of course he was being told he couldn't do something by real mommy ..) but ever since then, I've thought about how they look at us, and cannot help but get attached.
Reply
Mike 02:44 PM 10-22-2014
I haven't started daycare yet. Not sure if I will be, but from past experiences with other babysitting I've done, and Sunday School bus children, I do know how it will be if I go into the business.

Well behaved or brats, I love children, and any child that is in my life regularly becomes a special part of my life. I love them as if they were my own, but also accept the fact that they are not. When it's time for them to leave, it's a sad goodbye, but I move on. I still see some of the children from my past, some of whom have children of their own now, but there are a few dozen children I haven't seen in years but will never forget.
Reply
Controlled Chaos 03:46 PM 10-22-2014
I let one little girl in my heart too deeply once and my heart still aches when I think if her (terrible family situation, I called cps several times). I have learned healthy detachment, I care for them very much but I no longer worry about the choices their parents are making, I don't have angst over their milestones or lack there of. I look at them more with an academic approach now. I sleep better at night and focus better on my children during off hours.
Reply
Controlled Chaos 03:53 PM 10-22-2014
I let one little girl in my heart too deeply once and my heart still aches when I think if her (terrible family situation, I called cps several times). I have learned healthy detachment, I care for them very much but I no longer worry about the choices their parents are making, I don't have angst over their milestones or lack there of. I look at them more with an academic approach now. I sleep better at night and focus better on my children during off hours.
Reply
AuntTami 07:46 PM 10-22-2014
Thanks for your responses everyone! It's great to know that I'm not alone in my feelings for this DCB! I don't think of him as "my child" since I don't HAVE any children, but I do love him as if he was my NEPHEW, since I have plenty of those! I'm already dreading the day he goes to kindy, and he's only 15 mos! I feel like me NOT having any children is probably part of the problem and part of why I love him so much already. We spend 10 hours a day together. I put him to bed at night, so I feel like I'm "parenting" him since I don't have my own to parent, and believe me when I tell you, I have baby fever BAD! We can't financially afford to have a child right now, so we've put that off for a while, but I have that NEED to love and nurture someone, and my dogs just aren't doing it for me. Is that inappropriate?

All the children in my care get loved and cared for exactly the same, no one gets special treatment when everyone is here. But, when it's just him and I, yeah he gets spoiled a little bit more.

I'm really struggling with the line between professional and personal with him. His mom is a younger mom(20) and I'm only 27. She is my baby sisters age, and her son is my actual nephews age, so our working relationship has transformed almost into a mutual friendship. We don't hang out outside of daycare or anything, but we text each other throughout the day/week, mostly about how DCB is doing, and we chat for a few minutes at pick up each evening.

I wish I had two more families just like her and her son, because they're absolutely PERFECT! She goes along with anything I need, she never complains, she always pays on time, she picks up on time, she drops off on time, her son is SO well behaved and SO cute. I absolutely do not have one single complaint about this family, expect maybe I wish they had 3 children instead of just 1 so my group would be full LOL He's really forming an attachment to me as well, and that makes it even harder for me to not fall in love with him. His face lights up when he sees me, and he's constantly crawling into my lap to read a book or snuggle with me for a few minutes, and he gives me kisses every night before I put him to bed(mom works second shift)....I know it's going to rip my heart right out of my chest if/when he ever leaves, and that terrifies me.
Reply
Jack Sprat 11:41 AM 10-23-2014
We (my family) are very attached to one little guy in our daycare. He was my first, his parents are amazing and so is he. He is very much like a 4th child for DH and I. I will cry and be a mess when he starts school. I love all the others but, this guy holds a special place for sure.
Reply
Stepping 01:03 PM 10-23-2014
I find I get more attached to the ones I have had since they were babies. I'm fond of them all but there's something about having cared for them and watched them grow that makes them a little more special than the others.

It also helps if I like the parents too
Reply
Mike 08:45 PM 10-23-2014
Originally Posted by AuntTami:
I feel like me NOT having any children is probably part of the problem and part of why I love him so much already.
.....
but I have that NEED to love and nurture someone, and my dogs just aren't doing it for me. Is that inappropriate?
That's my situation too, so I fully understand it. I don't have any children either. I was engaged once and we had plans to have many kids, but during the engagement, she met another guy. Indirectly, I need to love and nurture someone too, but to be more accurate for myself, I need to be needed. I don't think it's inappropriate.

I took my cousin and her 5 kids out this evening so she could do some shopping. We were running a little late and her youngest one, 7, was getting a little grumpy. Between the mother, her 16 year old son, and myself, we spent 15 minutes trying to calm her down. Guess who did it? Me. I figured out the right thing to say to her and she calmed down, then wanted me to hold her. I picked her up and she wrapped her arms around me and laid her head against mine. I kissed her on the cheek and said "grumpy or not, I will always love you". Put her back down a few minutes later and she was fine for the rest of the shopping.

Times like that are the happiest moments of my life.
Reply
Play Care 03:23 AM 10-24-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I really love kids kindergarten age and younger. Love to be around them. Understand them. Speak their language. Have worked with young kids for 30 years....they are my life! That said, I enjoy them, they bring me much happiness, but I do not get deeply, emotionally attached.
Minus the 30 years, THIS.
The other day I tried to think of if I ever had a "favorite" dck. And honestly, I could not think of one child I've had in 10 years that was a "favorite." I like them when they are here, but don't mind when they go. It's a natural process - they come to me and then "graduate" to school.
Several years ago a provider I think very highly of let me know that "the only kids she LOVED are her own" and honestly? That's how I feel as well.
Reply
Tags:attached to children, attachments
Reply Up