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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>My DH Can't Keep Daycare & Personal Separate
MarinaVanessa 11:02 AM 11-15-2017
Okay you guys, this is going to be a long ride.

A little over a year ago I broke the no family/friends/neighbors as clients rule. Before you all get Judgy McJuggerson on me (which I'm sure I deserve but don't want to hear right now ) let me explain that I crossed my T's and dotted my I's before enrolling them and it's my DH who I'm having a hard time with.

My DH's best friend and his wife (let's call them BF & BFW) who we are both really close to, have a son (now 2) and they didn't want to take him to a stranger. BF's mom does daycare but she lives 25 minutes away from where they live and I live 2 minutes away from their house. BF's mom also lives in the opposite direction from where they work. So they approached me about taking their LO and I did express my concerns about friends as clients and they agreed to follow all rules/the contract and never asked for a discount or anything like that. Their schedule is 9-5 (BF picks up, BFW gets off at 5pm but has an hour commute). My other daycare kids get picked up by 4:30 so my days would end at 5pm which I did like. So after thinking about it for a few weeks I agreed to watch him.

Fast forward to August. Fall ball starts and DCD is on a league and he asked if it would be alright if I could watch DCB until 6pm on Tuesdays so he could play, his wife would pick up. Not that big a deal, their son is super easy so I agreed. That worked out well for a couple of months. He then asked me if I could also do it SOME Wednesdays because his brother who is on another team needed a backup sub some nights when he didn't have enough players. I reminded him that Wednesdays I take my daughter to Girl Scouts and that I needed his son to be picked up no later than 6pm, they both say it's no problem. It became a problem.

If BFW doesn't wrap up and leave RIGHT at 5pm she doesn't make it here by 6pm. If she stays a little later like let's say 15 minutes then she doesn't get here until 6:15pm. Tues is not a problem for me if she's a bit late but Wed are. I need to leave here right at 6pm to make it to GS at 6:15 when it starts. I was ready to talk to them about it but my DH stepped in and offered them to watch their son if they were late and I'd leave at 6pm no matter what. Since the whole point was that I just didn't want to be the one to be inconvenienced and DH was offering I didn't see it as a big deal. I told DH it was his responsibility now to make sure he didn't make plans on either of those days because that was the agreement HE made with them. DH says fine.

"Every Tuesday and occasionally on Wednesdays" has now turned into every Tues & Wed and somehow it has turned into sometimes Thursdays too. I didn't make that deal with DH's friend, my DH did so I tell DH fine but you take care of it, don't make it my issue. I remind DH that his BFW is expecting baby #2 early January and that baby will be coming here also so when the winter ball season starts he needs to keep in mind that not only will it be their 2 year old but he'll now also have a newborn to watch as well. He had not considered that, he has not talked to his friend about it, not my concern. It's my DH's deal. I WILL NOT be watching either kids on Wednesdays after 6pm.

So last Friday DH husband and I had date night planned and were going to leave as soon as BF gets here. We had dinner and a movie planned. We hardly ever get this opportunity because we have 4 kids and no one wants to watch 4 kids . At 5:15 BF is still not here and I go toI'm about to text him and DH tells me to give him another 5 mins. I do, he still isn't here yet. DH says he'll take care of it. DH texts him, BF responds and then DH tells me that his friend will be here at 6pm and my DH AGREED TO IT . BF gets here at 6:15 . I don't say anything to BF because my DH approved that deal so my issue is with DH. We don't have time to go to dinner at that point and only get to watch the movie. I did ream my DH about ruining our plans for his friend's convenience and expressed my concerns that his buddy never even texted or called to ASK if it was ok in advance because my DH is always agreeing to everything. I am also close to BF (we all know each other from 3rd grade to now) and I'm close to BFW so I feel like now they're becoming too familiar and the boundaries that I had set up are now useless.

Now let's get to yesterday. It's getting close to 5pm and my DH gets a text from BF (not me) asking if DH can drop off his son at his house. Apparently he had out of town friends come into town, went out to happy hour with them and had one too many drinks before getting dropped off at his house. He was in no condition to drive so he asked DH to drop his son off to him. I was SUPER PEEVED.

My DH doesn't understand what the big deal is. I tried to explain to my husband that I want to have clear boundaries and that my DH isn't allowing that. DH of course stuck up for BF and says that his friend was being responsible and instead of driving himself here tipsy and driving his son home like that he instead reached out so his son could have a safe ride home.
I countered that had he actually been responsible he would have never gotten to the point of not being able to drive or pick up his own son when knew he needed to and that now because of all of the favors my husband was allowing BF was at the point where he thinks he can go out during the afternoon, drink, and not have to worry about picking up his son because he knows that someone here will help him.

We were also in the middle of packing for a trip we leave for on Friday evening and cooking dinner so for me to have my husband stop what he was doing to help BF out was inconveniencing me. I did tell my DH that he couldn't take DCB until DH had gotten all of the stuff together that I needed so that I could finish up that part of the packing so DCB didn't get dropped off at home until 6:30pm. And yes, my DH watched DCB AND did his packing during that time.

So now apparently it's ok to pick up until 6pm on Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs and Fri. with no notice

And as a side note:
The last time DH and I had date night planned we invited another couple so we could double date and it was to celebrate something I accomplished so I got to pick the restaurant. We also extended an invitation to the kid-free dinner to BF and BFW.
Wouldn't you know that they not only asked us to make an exception so that they can bring their kid but they also asked to have the restaurant changed because I chose Korean BBQ and they were afraid the open grill was going to be a safety hazard for their son .
I didn't want to change the place and I didn't want to have kids there I made that perfectly clear to my DH and DH still approached me to try to have it all changed. My DH started to give me a hard time about it and I told him if they were going to take their son, or change the restaurant then it wouldn't be a celebration for me so we could take a raincheck for my dinner and could reschedule it for another day, I'd stay home and he could go out and hang out with our friends.
We ended up eating Korean BBQ without BF, BFW or their 2 year old.

If you see me on an episode of snapped it's because I murdered my husband.

And THIS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN is exactly why you should not enroll people you are familiar with. And don't let anyone guilt you or sweet talk you into changing any of your own rules, not even your DH.
Now I have an issue to resolve and don't even know how to approach it! HELP!!
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Cat Herder 11:25 AM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
Now I have an issue to resolve and don't even know how to approach it! HELP!!
BF and BFW are not friends of the marriage. Plain and simple. You don't need friends like that.

I'd tell them to find other childcare arrangements because the current one is stressing your friendship and marriage. If DH has a problem with you trying to strengthen your marriage maybe he needs to look at what need this BF fills for him. It is really worth his marriage?

By his supporting your decision for them to move on to other care he will be protecting both relationships if they were mutual to begin with. If BF is offended and storms off, he was not really a BF to begin with.
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storybookending 11:26 AM 11-15-2017
I don’t agree that having close friends or family as clients is always a bad thing but it sounds like your situation sure got out of control really fast. I am sorry that this is causing you so much stress. I think it’s time you sit down with your DH and explain to him that this is YOUR business. Not his. His friend or not this is not what you had agreed to when you took on this family. You are going to have to be frank with DH, explain why this is an issue and how you are worried it is cutting into your personal and family time. Then you are going to have to sit down with this family again and go over the contract as they are now to the point where they are taking advantage of you.
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MarinaVanessa 11:33 AM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
BF and BFW are not friends of the marriage. Plain and simple. You don't need friends like that.

I'd tell them to find other childcare arrangements because the current one is stressing your friendship and marriage. If DH has a problem with you trying to strengthen your marriage maybe he needs to look at what need this BF fills for him. It is really worth his marriage?

By his supporting your decision for them to move on to other care he will be protecting both relationships if they were mutual to begin with. If BF is offended and storms off, he was not really a BF to begin with.
I have been friends with DH and BF since 3rd grade, we all grew up together. I know BF well enough to know that if I approach it the problem can be corrected but not when my DH constantly makes his own agreements with BF. So my issue is really with DH.

For example if I tell BF that I can no longer accommodate the 6pm pick up time he'll accept it but then DH might talk to him at the gym or somewhere else and then tell BF not to worry about it and that it's not a problem afterall. My DH is undermining my authority.

I'v been struggling with DH. More so in the past than now but it's still a struggle. I almost walked away from the marriage about 3-4 years ago because I felt like he didn't take me seriously. If something isn't an inconvenience to him or he feels like it isn't an issue then it isn't an issue ... even if it's an issue to me. KWIM
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Snowmom 11:35 AM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
BF and BFW are not friends of the marriage. Plain and simple. You don't need friends like that.

I'd tell them to find other childcare arrangements because the current one is stressing your friendship and marriage. If DH has a problem with you trying to strengthen your marriage maybe he needs to look at what need this BF fills for him. It is really worth his marriage?

By his supporting your decision for them to move on to other care he will be protecting both relationships if they were mutual to begin with. If BF is offended and storms off, he was not really a BF to begin with.
^ Yes!

This is now leeching into your personal life and the lines between business and pleasure are no longer clear and it sounds like they're all good with that.

I'd cut ties with them too to save my husband's life.
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midaycare 11:35 AM 11-15-2017
I would tell the BF you need to go back to 5 p.m. now. Like yesterday. If that doesn't work for BF and BFW, then they need to find alternate care.

DH should be supporting you in this. It may be his BF, but it's stressing YOU out.
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Country Kids 11:42 AM 11-15-2017
Is your DH part of your childcare as an employee? If not, I wouldn't think legally he would be able to watch the child. Also, I would watch having the child there after your business hours, because if anything were to happen it may cause issues for your insurance and business.
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boy_mom 11:55 AM 11-15-2017
I think cutting ties is the best bet! Even if you reinstate the 5pm pick up time, it won't be long before you end back in your current predicament.

I would just be upfront with BF, since you guys are so close. Just explain, you wish it had worked out but between BF asking for special treatment by picking up at 6pm one day a week (which they agreed not to do) and then DH going crazy bending over backwards for them it's just not working out. I would lay the blame at both their (BF and DH) feet for doing the things they agreed not to do in the beginning.

If it were me, I wouldn't even discuss it with DH, this is your business! i would give them a two week notice and let them know that you are back to 5pm pick ups beginning ASAP. If DH has a problem tell him he can nanny for them at their house but you are no longer ok with the situation!
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MarinaVanessa 12:01 PM 11-15-2017
DCB will be getting picked up early today so I will be able to talk to BF today at that time without my DH being here.
I don't see it as it being a problem going back to the 5pm pickup time, BF doesn't think it's an issue because DH tells him it's not an issue. And them being clients was never an issue until DH started butting in. Ugh.

I'm just going to talk to BF alone today and let him know that anything having to do with the care of his son has to go through me, not DH. And I don't want to throw my DH under the bus but I need to tell BF that DH has been undermining me and that unless I say it's ok, it's not.

DH and I have been in counseling for YEARS now and I'm supposed to pick my battles but he's really starting to interfere with the way I run my business. He just doesn't see why I'm "making such a big deal about it".

Originally Posted by storybookending:
I think it’s time you sit down with your DH and explain to him that this is YOUR business. Not his. His friend or not this is not what you had agreed to when you took on this family. You are going to have to be frank with DH, explain why this is an issue and how you are worried it is cutting into your personal and family time. Then you are going to have to sit down with this family again and go over the contract as they are now to the point where they are taking advantage of you.
Yes I have to talk to DH too. This will be the thousandth conversation/argument I will have with him about staying out of the way I run my business, respecting that I have my own thoughts and opinions and to stop dismissing my decisions and feelings. He's the real struggle, everything else is easy. At first he'll dismiss it, then he'll argue it and finally he'll apologize for going against what I say and he'll promise not to do it again. Then in a couple of weeks I'll be having the same conversation with him but about a different topic. I don't know how to explain it so that it actually sticks. I am a half of this marriage and I get a say so too.

Originally Posted by Snowmom:
^ Yes!

This is now leeching into your personal life and the lines between business and pleasure are no longer clear and it sounds like they're all good with that.

I'd cut ties with them too to save my husband's life.
Can someone take advantage of someone if they don't know they are doing it? My DH offers an alternative solution sometimes even after I have already said no or just tells them it's ok when I have told my husband that it isn't.

Originally Posted by midaycare:
I would tell the BF you need to go back to 5 p.m. now. Like yesterday. If that doesn't work for BF and BFW, then they need to find alternate care.

DH should be supporting you in this. It may be his BF, but it's stressing YOU out.
Yep having that talk today with BF.

DH should be supporting me, but he doesn't

I don't mean to sound all woe-is-me. Yesterday was just the final straw. It's one thing to make bad decisions and then have to fix them himself (like find a ride to get his son or *gasp* not drink and be responsible so you can drive to get your kid on time) but another is to have my DH come to the rescue when he knows I'm not ok with it.

"You teach people how to treat you".
My DH is allowing BF to do these things and will accommodate him, BF doesn't even know I have an issue with it. He will today.
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MarinaVanessa 12:03 PM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by Country Kids:
Is your DH part of your childcare as an employee? If not, I wouldn't think legally he would be able to watch the child. Also, I would watch having the child there after your business hours, because if anything were to happen it may cause issues for your insurance and business.
He is not but he has been background checked, has all required immunizations, has pediatric and adult CPR/First Aid and has cleared his TB test. He covers for me when I have appointments and legally we are following all of the requirements to use him as a sub.
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midaycare 12:07 PM 11-15-2017
To be honest, I would ditch these friends if they are causing you this much stress. It may not be probable if your DH is super good friends with them, but you guys have to do what is best for you two.

My own DH and I have been through the ringer and the thing I really learned is not to put words in his mouth or thoughts in his head. So be cool as a cucumber when you talk to DH What he is thinking may be totally different than what you think he's thinking, kwim?
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Cat Herder 12:08 PM 11-15-2017
I do understand the state of your marriage is the bigger issue.

I would solve the immediate issue first then decide where you want to go with the marriage. Without the unnecessary stress. A possible divorce with four kids is not something to tiptoe around. It is going to take work and fewer distractions to strengthen it or leave it.
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DaveA 12:09 PM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
I'd tell them to find other childcare arrangements because the current one is stressing your friendship and marriage.
This is it in a nutshell. The boundaries aren't being honored and intentionally or not they're playing you and your DH off each other to get what they want. Time to part ways professionally before it blows your friendships out of the water. And before you end up on "Snapped:
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storybookending 12:31 PM 11-15-2017
Sorry to hear about your struggles with DH. Sounds like a sticky situation overall. Good luck talking to BF at pick up today. I hope it works out for you.
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Mom2Two 12:33 PM 11-15-2017
I got the impression that the problem started with the special late pick up times (any and all). The first half of your thread reads just like a situation with one of my families, and they were total strangers when they started.

But problem #2 is DH acting like it's his call how you run your business. This is your profession--does he want you setting up meetings for him/choose which jobs he takes/volunteering him to work overtime (or whatever he does)? Would he want you to loan his car to your friends without you asking him? What if he did agree for you to loan his car to one of your friends, then it was a lot, then they started scratching it and leaving popcorn on the floor? But that's exactly what is happening to you.

If you change your policies is DH going to freak? Is there a possibility of a third approach, like enforcing a policy of charging $1 for "babysitting" i.e. for having kids for personal time? That way you could enforce it for all your families and not make it look like you're picking on his friends.

Oh, and definitely charge a fee for the designated driver pick up. Does he really want you to turn into the free babysitter for all your friends? Would he like it as much if you sat for one of your friends on a time when he reeeaaaalllly doesn't want kids around at all?
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MarinaVanessa 12:35 PM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by DaveA:
This is it in a nutshell. The boundaries aren't being honored and intentionally or not they're playing you and your DH off each other to get what they want. Time to part ways professionally before it blows your friendships out of the water. And before you end up on "Snapped:
My boundaries aren't being honored by my DH in almost every other aspect though. I can't say I had no fault in all of this either because when my DH told them yes I could have said no but I didn't in an effort to not fight with my DH, which inevitably always happens when I stay firm.

Sometimes I don't even get a chance to say no to them before my DH says yes. I do not like to argue in public or in the presence of other people so if I don't agree with DH in front of others I will stay quiet. I think that's a huge part of my problem.

Later when we are home and alone and I bring it up to my DH it's like it doesn't matter what I think on the subject. I have reached out privately to them and spoke up to them about how I would not be able to accommodate something and my husband will just reach back out to them and say that we got it figured out on our end and that now it's ok. I then stay quiet out of embarrassment.

He has done it when his sister needed someone to watch her kids one weekend. I didn't want to do it. My DH told her that he would do it but then he left and left the kids here without telling me.

Or once when I had a workshop to attend one weekend and DH was going to watch our kids while I attended. That morning he told me he wasn't going to be able to watch them after all because he was going to be out of town all day to pick up some truck part and that I needed to find someone else to watch them. I ended up not being able to go to the workshop.

He has thrown away possessions and paperwork of mine that he thought were unimportant because he wanted to de-clutter the house but will not get rid of his own things.

Not too long ago we made an agreement that he could buy a new TV as long as I could get a new large rug for the living room. He got his TV and then said that the rug wasn't a priority (the money was going to come out of his paycheck because I make enough to cover the daycare expenses, the utilities, my van payment and have just a little left over for gas and extras).

So I think I'm going to talk to BF and get back to regular pickups and if they need a later time no hard feelings if they choose to go elsewhere. I feel like I should at least give it a chance since really they have no real idea that this whole thing has been happening behind the scenes. They can't change something that I haven't told them is an issue. BF wil be here in 30 minutes so I'll know more about how he'll react then.
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MarinaVanessa 12:46 PM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by Mom2Two:
I got the impression that the problem started with the special late pick up times (any and all). The first half of your thread reads just like a situation with one of my families, and they were total strangers when they started.

But problem #2 is DH acting like it's his call how you run your business. This is your profession--does he want you setting up meetings for him/choose which jobs he takes/volunteering him to work overtime (or whatever he does)? Would he want you to loan his car to your friends without you asking him? What if he did agree for you to loan his car to one of your friends, then it was a lot, then they started scratching it and leaving popcorn on the floor? But that's exactly what is happening to you.

If you change your policies is DH going to freak? Is there a possibility of a third approach, like enforcing a policy of charging $1 for "babysitting" i.e. for having kids for personal time? That way you could enforce it for all your families and not make it look like you're picking on his friends.

Oh, and definitely charge a fee for the designated driver pick up. Does he really want you to turn into the free babysitter for all your friends? Would he like it as much if you sat for one of your friends on a time when he reeeaaaalllly doesn't want kids around at all?
Originally I was ok with Tuesdays and Wednesdays and it wasn't a big deal as long as their 2 yo got picked up by 6pm on Wednesdays. When it became a problem it was because BFW sometimes didn't get to leave right at 5pm so I was talking to her about how it wasn't going to work out because I needed to leave at 6pm and it was making my DD late to GS. My husband stepped in and offered to watch him if she was running late. So I had told her I couldn't do Wednesdays and she started to say that it was fine and not a big deal but my DH said not a problem to her. After that it got easy for them to ask for favors because my DH always said yes, which is fine but not when it's an inconvenience to me ... like allowing them to get here late at the expense of our dates when he could easily just have told them no it wasn't possible and they could have picked him up earlier without issue.

My DH doesn't see an issue with any of this.
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Mom2Two 12:52 PM 11-15-2017
If the following are too personal, just say so, but what you write has me wondering...

Do you feel like DH values your relationship? Does it bother him how much you are hurting?

Is this stuff clear to him? Is it clear to your counselor?

When you have counseling, what does DH list as his "gripes" or whatever?

Has your counselor ever mentioned personality disorders?
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MarinaVanessa 01:40 PM 11-15-2017
***UPDATE***
BF came to pick up his son. I started off by just telling him that the pick ups after 5pm weren't working out for me and that when we came back from vacation we'd go back to the regular time. He said no problem, he'd find someone to pick him up at 5pm on any days they couldn't and said "I'll let you guys know who" which led into how I wanted him and his wife to speak directly with me and not my DH when it came to anything that included me, I said it was important. He agreed.

He asked if everything was ok and what was going on and I just decided to go ahead and share with him about the conflict and tension that going through DH was causing. He did apologize and said he'd go straight to me. I told him that if my DH discusses something with him that includes me in it that he should confirm it with me to make sure it's ok. I did explain that on several occasions DH would change an arrangement that I wasn't okay with.

I ended up going into a little bit of details with him and I brought up the Korean date night and Friday's date night and he shocked me. Turns out BF had turned down the invite to the Korean place because they didn't have a babysitter and my DH pretty much insisted that they could come and that their son wouldn't be an issue but they still couldn't go because they were afraid their son might get burned on the grill so my DH offered to change the place. I will confirm this to make sure of course, it won't be hard since it was over text. I'm going to take a peek when my DH gets home.

As far as last Friday BF says he asked if it was ok to be late and DH said it wasn't a problem. So now I'm thinking that DH was quick to say that he'd take care it because he had already talked to BF and agreed to the later time. I didn't know what to say at that point and just felt really dumb. BF just said he'd make sure to go through me from now on and that he never meant to cause any problems.

I didn't really know what else to say at that point and bf left. I guess I still really don't.
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MarinaVanessa 01:51 PM 11-15-2017
Mom2Two you ask some really difficult questions.

Do you feel like DH values your relationship?
He says he does, I'm not really sure.

Does it bother him how much you are hurting?
He says he's sorry for hurting my feelings and that he doesn't really mean to. But he still does.
I guess that doesn't really answer the question but I'm not really sure.

Is this stuff clear to him? Is it clear to your counselor?
The biggest topic we talk about with our counselor is how he doesn't consider my needs/wants/desires and will just disregard how I feel. He knows specifically what bothers me (like making decisions without me if they include me) but he still does it anyway.

When you have counseling, what does DH list as his "gripes" or whatever?
His main gripe has more to do with the state of the house and the clutter/mess. I do daycare and we have 4 kids from 12 to 1 year, he wants the house spotless even during daycare. That's his biggest complaint.

When we started counseling he lead with "My wife has issues. We're here to fix them". This was after I had made the decision to just walk away because I had wanted marriage counseling and he wouldn't agree to it because "It was stupid and a waste of time". He only agreed to go after I told him I was done.

Has your counselor ever mentioned personality disorders?
No, he hasn't
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storybookending 01:52 PM 11-15-2017
Sounds like your issue here is with your DH. Feeling the need to snoop through his texts is not good. I’d confront him, whether in therapy or outside of therapy. It’s sounds like there is mistrust all around and it doesn’t sound like he values you and/or your business at all. I’d be seriously reevaluating my relationship with him if I was in your shoes. Hard to hear but I’m sure you’ve thought about it as well. 4 years in therapy is a long time to not resolve these issues. Relationships are a two way street and if you feel like you need to close your mouth and stand back to your issues and continue to do so he’ll never change.
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MarinaVanessa 02:09 PM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by storybookending:
Sounds like your issue here is with your DH. Feeling the need to snoop through his texts is not good. I’d confront him, whether in therapy or outside of therapy. It’s sounds like there is mistrust all around and it doesn’t sound like he values you and/or your business at all. I’d be seriously reevaluating my relationship with him if I was in your shoes. Hard to hear but I’m sure you’ve thought about it as well. 4 years in therapy is a long time to not resolve these issues. Relationships are a two way street and if you feel like you need to close your mouth and stand back to your issues and continue to do so he’ll never change.
I know it's not good, I never have thought about it until now. I just want the truth and I'm afraid now that he'll just lie or won't let me see his texts if he has already lied about it. I didn't think to ask BF to show me. I kinda didn't even really know what to do. Now I'm kind of just feeling deflated. And we have a 1 week trip to Mexico coming up on Friday.
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midaycare 02:10 PM 11-15-2017
I can tell you that DH and I were at a similar or even worse point around this time last year. I nearly left him this past March. Yet here I am, and we are stronger than we've ever been. I don't want to give false hope, but I do want to give some hope.
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MarinaVanessa 02:31 PM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by midaycare:
I can tell you that DH and I were at a similar or even worse point around this time last year. I nearly left him this past March. Yet here I am, and we are stronger than we've ever been. I don't want to give false hope, but I do want to give some hope.
Thanks so much. I really needed it right now.
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storybookending 02:41 PM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
I know it's not good, I never have thought about it until now. I just want the truth and I'm afraid now that he'll just lie or won't let me see his texts if he has already lied about it. I didn't think to ask BF to show me. I kinda didn't even really know what to do. Now I'm kind of just feeling deflated. And we have a 1 week trip to Mexico coming up on Friday.
I think it’s good you didn’t ask BF to see the texts, no need to bring him into the middle of it.


Hopefully your trip helps you recharge your marriage!
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Pestle 02:45 PM 11-15-2017
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
If something isn't an inconvenience to him or he feels like it isn't an issue then it isn't an issue ... even if it's an issue to me. KWIM
"You left the car door open when you got home tonight."
"It's not a problem."

"You said you were going to the grocery store up the road but you went across town to a gaming store, and we were at home hungry and waiting for you to come home with our supper, and I finally fed our child something out of a can and put her to bed."
"It's not a problem."

No-o-o-o-o; I have NO IDEA what you mean.
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Mom2Two 03:56 PM 11-15-2017
We've been through super-hard stuff too. 3.5 years ago I thought we might break up. Most marriages that deal with the type of stuff we've dealt with do break up. It has been really hard work, and DH had to make some hard choices. And I had to stand up to it. Things are way better for us now. I've made some changes too, but mainly it has been difficult changes in DH. Personality disorders abound in DH's family and it has been hard to deal with.

The first big battle was confronting that there was even a real problem. I really had to have my ducks in a row. Sometimes the pridefulness is extremely strong, sometimes too strong.
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hwichlaz 04:14 PM 11-15-2017
I don't have any advice...but I read what you're going through and wanted to sit and have a cry with you. I've been there. Fought through it, failed....and now I'm a much happier single mother.

I just want to offer a hug.
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Josiegirl 02:19 AM 11-16-2017
MV, just hugs to offer you. You're in a tough place. After 4 yrs. of counseling, maybe it's time to find someone else? Change is so awfully difficult and it doesn't sound like there has been a lot of change. Unless he's co-partner with you in your dc, I think I'd tell him that in no way does he get to make decisions like that, no matter what. And for him to agree to taking care of children(current and past circumstances) then to leave you high and dry with them....well I know I'd be really angry.
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Jamie 03:12 AM 11-16-2017
What the f***ing f***??? What is wrong with your DH???
I see no respect for you anywhere in your posts, and that is NOT OKAY.
You need to sit down with him and lay down the law. Be firm. This is NOT a marriage thing, and it is NOT a friendship thing; this is a BUSINESS thing. YOUR business.
I'm sorry It's causing you all this stress, but really, you need to take this business seriously. I would NOT alloe anyone to watch my DCKs in my home except for myself - and certainly not while I wasn't there!
All personal stress aside - what happens to your business if DCK is hurt at YOUR home while DH watches him??

On a personal level, there is so much wrong with your DH's attitude that I won't even begin to get into...
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Cat Herder 05:16 AM 11-16-2017
Originally Posted by Josiegirl:
maybe it's time to find someone else?
Please don't even think about this for a couple years. Pretty please.

If the marriage can't be saved, take some time and work on the parts of you that tolerated being treated this way for so long. It will serve you so much better.
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Ladybugs 06:14 AM 11-16-2017
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
Please don't even think about this for a couple years. Pretty please.

If the marriage can't be saved, take some time and work on the parts of you that tolerated being treated this way for so long. It will serve you so much better.
I think she might have been referring to a new counselor, not a new man.
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Blackcat31 06:15 AM 11-16-2017
I only have two questions....

Do you like, genuinely like (not love) your DH as a person?

Can you imagine your life without him?
(not your kids or your family...but you/your)
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Ladybugs 06:17 AM 11-16-2017
MV,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My dh and I were separated about a year and a half ago and I was positive we were heading for divorce. With a ton of honest, open, tough communication and counseling, we were able to put the pieces back together and we are much stronger now. I’d advise you to really stand up for yourself and be clear and firm in what you need.

I know that your dh is largely to blame here BUT I do think that BF is also taking advantage of you by even asking.

Good luck and lots of hugs.
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Cat Herder 06:45 AM 11-16-2017
Originally Posted by Ladybugs:
I think she might have been referring to a new counselor, not a new man.
Ah, now I see it. Thanks for the clue.
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midaycare 06:47 AM 11-16-2017
Originally Posted by Ladybugs:
I think she might have been referring to a new counselor, not a new man.
And I agree. Are you Christian? We had much better luck going through a church than going through our many expensive counselors. All the therapists always sided with me and basically made DH feel terrible. And he isn't/wasn't a terrible person. One therapist even blatantly flirted with me!

We went through a church with biblical based counseling, and we learned alot more. One of the most important things is that we can never really go back. So don't live in the past. If you do, you will never get out of the rut. We don't talk about the past anymore. We just build on each day, and eventually after a few months of good days, we had enough good days that we felt comfortable again. Now we are really great friends.
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Ariana 10:11 AM 11-16-2017
I have not read everyones replies just yours MV but I think the problem is you are not taking yourself seriously enough. Why did you agree with DH to begin with? You knew it was a bad idea but you didn’t want to see uptight or something right? That is my guess. You need to respect yourself and your boundaries and do not leg anyone, even your DH, bully you out of them. They are clearly there for a reason.

I know you think this problem is with DH but I see this as something you can control if you simply stand firm the first time. My DH is no different from yours. Very easygoing, nothing bothers him etc. I am more uptight and a stickler for rules. Thats just me and I have firm boundaries. I am not perfect and my DH has definitely said “yes” against my better judgment but it has always been because I felt I was being too rigid. Now I see it differently. I just have a different tolerance for annoyances and a different temperment.
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Country Kids 10:17 AM 11-16-2017
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
Mom2Two you ask some really difficult questions.

Do you feel like DH values your relationship?
He says he does, I'm not really sure.

Does it bother him how much you are hurting?
He says he's sorry for hurting my feelings and that he doesn't really mean to. But he still does.
I guess that doesn't really answer the question but I'm not really sure.


Is this stuff clear to him? Is it clear to your counselor?
The biggest topic we talk about with our counselor is how he doesn't consider my needs/wants/desires and will just disregard how I feel. He knows specifically what bothers me (like making decisions without me if they include me) but he still does it anyway.

When you have counseling, what does DH list as his "gripes" or whatever?
His main gripe has more to do with the state of the house and the clutter/mess. I do daycare and we have 4 kids from 12 to 1 year, he wants the house spotless even during daycare. That's his biggest complaint.

When we started counseling he lead with "My wife has issues. We're here to fix them". This was after I had made the decision to just walk away because I had wanted marriage counseling and he wouldn't agree to it because "It was stupid and a waste of time". He only agreed to go after I told him I was done.

Has your counselor ever mentioned personality disorders?
No, he hasn't
The part about the house being clean-I have heard that so much from couples that the wife does daycare. The husband just wants a nice clean house and quiet when they come home from work. One of my friends when they divorced, the husband put that down that the house was a mess because of the childcare.

Also, four years is a long, long time to be going to marriage counseling and nothing being resolved. Honestly, most couples I know that go to counseling, it seems to make matters works or they see there is no solving the situation and end up divorcing.

I hope you can find a solution to the problems soon. I know you went through some pretty tough situations a couple years ago and I'm wondering if maybe doing another career would work better?

Will be thinking and keeping you in my prayers.
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Pestle 11:55 AM 11-16-2017
You have a bad counselor and a bad spouse. Get a new counselor or find one to go to solo, so you can sort out your plans and possibilities on the spousal side.
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MarinaVanessa 01:32 PM 11-16-2017
I answered to everyone in blue

Originally Posted by Jamie:
I see no respect for you anywhere in your posts, and that is NOT OKAY.
I know, it sucks. And the worst part is that I believe that he's not intentionally doing it out of malice ... he literally just doesn't see these things as a big deal. He's not a mean man, he definetely has redeeming qualities ... he just feels like he knows best or doesn't consider that I may not be okay with it.

You need to sit down with him and lay down the law. Be firm. This is NOT a marriage thing, and it is NOT a friendship thing; this is a BUSINESS thing. YOUR business.
He doesn't meddle into my business with any of the other clients that I have. Just with BF probably because we're all friends.

I would NOT alloe anyone to watch my DCKs in my home except for myself - and certainly not while I wasn't there!
I understand that this works for you but for me it helps me out so that I can go to appointments and meetings for my daughter (she has therapy for ADHD and anxiety related things) so if I didn't have someone covering for me I would have to close since I have weekly appointments for my daughter, occasional school meetings for her, conferences for my kids, Dr Appointments for myself etc. If I don't have him to cover I'd have to hire someone when I couldn't avoid going or I'd lose my clients (my DH is my oldest DD's step-dad so it has to be that can go to approve changes, medications etc).

All personal stress aside - what happens to your business if DCK is hurt at YOUR home while DH watches him??
The same thing that would happen if someone got hurt in my presence. He's not on my license as an owner because it is my daycare and he is not my business partner (I wouldn't have it any other way) but he has been cleared by licensing to be my sub.
If he were to be negligent and something happened he knows that he'd be paying for everything himself and I won't put a cent of money into it. Same as I have told him that if I were to get a citation for him being careless (leaving toothpaste on the downstairs bathroom counter,
forgetting to close a baby gate etc, he's paying for it not me.
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
Please don't even think about this for a couple years. Pretty please.
I thought she was meaning finding another man too

Originally Posted by Ladybugs:
I think she might have been referring to a new counselor, not a new man.
Thanks for clarifying this.

I like our counselor and he calls DH out on his BS and DH does agree to changes but applying the changes and saying he's going to apply them are two different things.


Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Do you like, genuinely like (not love) your DH as a person?
I do love him, he's not a mean man.
He's just extremely exasperating sometimes.
When he goes around me and what I say instead of negotiating with me it makes me feel like he doesn't care and it's hurtful.


Can you imagine your life without him?
(not your kids or your family...but you/your)
Asnwering this is a bit tricky because I don't want to give anybody the wrong idea but I don't believe that anybody NEEDS another person.
I have on many occasions reminded my DH that I love him but I don't need him. If he and I were to go our separate ways it would be awful but I know that in the end I will be ok and he will be ok and my kids will be ok.
Originally Posted by Ladybugs:
...My dh and I were separated about a year and a half ago and I was positive we were heading for divorce. With a ton of honest, open, tough communication and counseling, we were able to put the pieces back together and we are much stronger now. I’d advise you to really stand up for yourself and be clear and firm in what you need.
Typically I am ... unless I'm in front of people. Called me old fashioned but I don't believe in arguing and airing out our dirty laundry to and in front of other people. No one except us two needs to know about our issues. When we get home and I bring it up I get the brush off. That's my battle. How do you get someone that doesn't understand to "get it" KWIM

I know that your dh is largely to blame here BUT I do think that BF is also taking advantage of you by even asking.
I do agree. And I do feel like he forgot that when it comes to daycare they have forgotten that this is business. Yesterday I did speak to BF and he says he agrees so we will see.

Originally Posted by midaycare:
Are you Christian? We had much better luck going through a church than going through our many expensive counselors. All the therapists always sided with me and basically made DH feel terrible. And he isn't/wasn't a terrible person. One therapist even blatantly flirted with me!
That's terrible!
Although I grew up as Catholic I consider myself Christian but I do not go to church or anything like that. DH is not religious at all. I had a hard time convincing him to go to therapy and he did agreed only after I had told him I was leaving the marriage 4 years ago. Not sure how to go about asking for help from the church if I do not belong to a congregation or how to convince DH to go with me when he's not religious KWIM


One of the most important things is that we can never really go back. So don't live in the past. If you do, you will never get out of the rut.
I do have a hard time in this department.
It's my biggest struggle so I'm sure this adds to my own problems


Originally Posted by Ariana:
Why did you agree with DH to begin with?
I don't agree with him, he just doesn't seem so care if I disagree with him. Here's an example
ME: Can you bring down the luggage bags for our trip? I want to start packing today so I'm not rushed in the last minute?
DH: Good idea
ME: (An hour later) Can you get the bags down for me now please? I want to start putting the clothes in (I've been actively pulling out outfits for myself and the kids for the last hour)
DH: Oh yeah. Ok
ME: (30 mins later) Where are the bags at? I'll just pull them out myself
DH: I'll just get them myself
ME: When? Because I asked you to do it 2 and a half hours ago
DH: What is your problem? It's not even a big deal



You knew it was a bad idea but you didn’t want to see uptight or something right?
Not exactly, I don't like to argue in front of people and when I say no to something and he contradicts me he has no problem arguing in front of people. I'll wait until we're home to talk about it, I address my point and he either disregards what I say or he agrees but then go around me and doesn't whatever I don't want anyway.


I know you think this problem is with DH but I see this as something you can control if you simply stand firm the first time. My DH is no different from yours. Very easygoing, nothing bothers him etc. I am more uptight and a stickler for rules. Thats just me and I have firm boundaries. I am not perfect and my DH has definitely said “yes” against my better judgment but it has always been because I felt I was being too rigid. Now I see it differently. I just have a different tolerance for annoyances and a different temperment.
Originally Posted by Pestle:
You have a bad counselor and a bad spouse. Get a new counselor or find one to go to solo, so you can sort out your plans and possibilities on the spousal side.
I don't know if we have a bad counselor ...
I do know that we make agreemends during our sessions and DH and I sign them and everything and DH finds excuses to not follow the agreements (it was an emergency, he didn't have time, he forgot, he understood the agreement differently) It's exasperating.
I was doing counseling on my own with another therapist for a while and I felt like it was a waste of time. I could make all of the plans that I wanted when it came to me but if my DH see's things differently and doesn't agree with I'm doing on my own then nothing is getting better. I don't need someone to vent to so for me going together and addressing the problem, setting a plan and executing it is what I need. It's the execution part on my DH that I have a hard time with. Then because he's not keeping up with his agreement I feel like I don't have to keep up with mine so I have a part to play too. At home I do get frustrated, argue and shout at him and I shouldn't but I get so exasperated and feel like I need to lose my $h!| before he takes me seriously (and then at that point he does) so I'm just throwing 2yo old tantrums

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MarinaVanessa 01:59 PM 11-16-2017
I spoke to DH last night and opened with asking him to really think before he responded. I asked him about the date nights, he tried to beat around the bush but did admit that what BF said was true. I told him I talked to BF yesterday and how close I am to ending our daycare arrangement with them because of DH's meddling. I told him that the next time he meddled I'd end their contract for the sake of my sanity. He started to say something but I interrupted and told him it wasn't a negotiation and before he said anything (ok I could have worded this better) to remember that I already had bags packed (our vacation bags) so to really think about what he was about to say. Probably not necessary, ok not necessary at all.
We did talk for a while about how disregarding my decisions and opinions is a total lack of disrespect as his spouse and that it didn't matter whether he meant to do it or not, he does it and that's the point. I told him not to make decisions for me. He didn't get it at first.

I was fixing him his plate while we were talking last night and I asked him what he wanted to drink. He asked for cola, I gave him milk (he is sensitive to milk and hates it). He pointed that out, I said I know but it's good for me so it's good for you too. He just stared at me for a minute and then and I could see that it sunk in and he said he got the point.
Why? Why do I need to make things so simplistic for him to understand? I feel like I have to use examples for him to understand anything.

He did apologize but I hate apologies. I think actions speak louder than words so we will see. Like I don't really believe him. In the back of my head I'm just waiting for the next time something like this happens again and I expect it. Am I being unfair? Or am I justified in being cautious because it's a pattern. It's hard to know when you're on the inside KWIM.
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Mom2Two 02:13 PM 11-16-2017
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
I spoke to DH last night and opened with asking him to really think before he responded. I asked him about the date nights, he tried to beat around the bush but did admit that what BF said was true. I told him I talked to BF yesterday and how close I am to ending our daycare arrangement with them because of DH's meddling. I told him that the next time he meddled I'd end their contract for the sake of my sanity. He started to say something but I interrupted and told him it wasn't a negotiation and before he said anything (ok I could have worded this better) to remember that I already had bags packed (our vacation bags) so to really think about what he was about to say. Probably not necessary, ok not necessary at all.
We did talk for a while about how disregarding my decisions and opinions is a total lack of disrespect as his spouse and that it didn't matter whether he meant to do it or not, he does it and that's the point. I told him not to make decisions for me. He didn't get it at first.

I was fixing him his plate while we were talking last night and I asked him what he wanted to drink. He asked for cola, I gave him milk (he is sensitive to milk and hates it). He pointed that out, I said I know but it's good for me so it's good for you too. He just stared at me for a minute and then and I could see that it sunk in and he said he got the point.
Why? Why do I need to make things so simplistic for him to understand? I feel like I have to use examples for him to understand anything.

He did apologize but I hate apologies. I think actions speak louder than words so we will see. Like I don't really believe him. In the back of my head I'm just waiting for the next time something like this happens again and I expect it. Am I being unfair? Or am I justified in being cautious because it's a pattern. It's hard to know when you're on the inside KWIM.
The milk thing sounds so awesome, especially if you were able to keep your head.

I'm not sure if this will help, but maybe read about passive agressive disorder. A classic sign is agreeing to something but not meaning it. It's a way of avoiding confrontation and it's also very dishonest.

The more that the issues are straight in your own mind and you are able to articulate them and explain them (or demonstrate them in the case of the milk) the more you'll be on solid ground. And you sure need that solid ground to get through this stuff.

It helped DH (i. e. helped me) to show that there was a name for this stuff and where it came from. Men who weren't supported as kids in expressing themselves can easily become passive aggressives.

If your DH constantly agrees to things but doesn't mean it/follow through, then you are not working well as a team, and it's important in marriage to work well as a team. It's a lot of the point of marriage! Keep telling him this stuff. You want to feel treated well. Your feelings matter. Working well with him matters. Being able to trust someone to do what they agree to does matter. When he runs down something you feel is important, you feel run down by him. etc etc Keep telling him this stuff.
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midaycare 02:23 PM 11-16-2017
I've been married for slightly over 11 years. My marraige dissolved almost the first day we married from outside stressors.

I've had 10.5 years of a really, really bad marriage. I've had 6 months of a good one, but even then...we will never be the "perfect" couple. We are just 2 people who are damaged from life, and are trying to do the best we can, together.

There is hope.
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Josiegirl 03:17 PM 11-16-2017
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
Please don't even think about this for a couple years. Pretty please.

If the marriage can't be saved, take some time and work on the parts of you that tolerated being treated this way for so long. It will serve you so much better.
Nononono, find another counselor! Not another husband! I am so very sorry if I didn't make myself clear.
I had a friend that went to counseling for a long long time and nothing ever changed. To me, that meant something just wasn't working between my friend and her counselor, maybe not a connection because I think when counseling is involved, you really need to connect with the person you're telling your whole life story to.
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Ariana 04:33 PM 11-16-2017
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
I spoke to DH last night and opened with asking him to really think before he responded. I asked him about the date nights, he tried to beat around the bush but did admit that what BF said was true. I told him I talked to BF yesterday and how close I am to ending our daycare arrangement with them because of DH's meddling. I told him that the next time he meddled I'd end their contract for the sake of my sanity. He started to say something but I interrupted and told him it wasn't a negotiation and before he said anything (ok I could have worded this better) to remember that I already had bags packed (our vacation bags) so to really think about what he was about to say. Probably not necessary, ok not necessary at all.
We did talk for a while about how disregarding my decisions and opinions is a total lack of disrespect as his spouse and that it didn't matter whether he meant to do it or not, he does it and that's the point. I told him not to make decisions for me. He didn't get it at first.

I was fixing him his plate while we were talking last night and I asked him what he wanted to drink. He asked for cola, I gave him milk (he is sensitive to milk and hates it). He pointed that out, I said I know but it's good for me so it's good for you too. He just stared at me for a minute and then and I could see that it sunk in and he said he got the point.
Why? Why do I need to make things so simplistic for him to understand? I feel like I have to use examples for him to understand anything.

He did apologize but I hate apologies. I think actions speak louder than words so we will see. Like I don't really believe him. In the back of my head I'm just waiting for the next time something like this happens again and I expect it. Am I being unfair? Or am I justified in being cautious because it's a pattern. It's hard to know when you're on the inside KWIM.
THIS conversation should have happened right off the bat! Next time lead with this conversation and it will nip everything in the bud. You already know what he is going to do so don’t give him any more chances

Nothing about what you are doing is unfair. That kind of questioning is what got you in trouble in the first place. Thinking you are being unfair or too uptight makes you waver on your boundaries. You are the smart one here, trust yourself
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MarinaVanessa 11:24 AM 11-17-2017
Originally Posted by Mom2Two:
I'm not sure if this will help, but maybe read about passive agressive disorder. A classic sign is agreeing to something but not meaning it. It's a way of avoiding confrontation and it's also very dishonest.
And also very demeaning to me.
I will look into the disorder. I do think that I personally behave in a passive or passive aggressive way towards him. I fished out my old Assertiveness Workbook for myself and will be taking it with me on vacation for reading. I need to stand firm but I don't want to be loud or mean about it so I need the review. I just need to stop getting pulled into these things.

Last night I talked with him calmly again about some issues and for now we're at an agreement to just enjoy our vacation.


It helped DH (i. e. helped me) to show that there was a name for this stuff and where it came from. Men who weren't supported as kids in expressing themselves can easily become passive aggressives.
Probable in DH's case. He came from an unstable home, abusive father, a mother who left their abusive dad and left the four of them with the abusive father etc.

If your DH constantly agrees to things but doesn't mean it/follow through, then you are not working well as a team, and it's important in marriage to work well as a team. It's a lot of the point of marriage!
You're preaching to the choir sister

Keep telling him this stuff. You want to feel treated well. Your feelings matter. Working well with him matters. Being able to trust someone to do what they agree to does matter. When he runs down something you feel is important, you feel run down by him. etc etc Keep telling him this stuff.
I have and will continue to. This is a fight I have with him several times a week.
Originally Posted by midaycare:
We are just 2 people who are damaged from life, and are trying to do the best we can, together.

There is hope.
Thank you for this. I'm willing to keep trying but he has to put effort in too so I hope he'll get it together.
Originally Posted by Ariana:
THIS conversation should have happened right off the bat! Next time lead with this conversation and it will nip everything in the bud. You already know what he is going to do so don’t give him any more chances
I have this talk with him on a weekly basis. Not even joking. He says he'll do better but we end up back at square one. We're just stuck.

Nothing about what you are doing is unfair. That kind of questioning is what got you in trouble in the first place. Thinking you are being unfair or too uptight makes you waver on your boundaries. You are the smart one here, trust yourself
Thank you, that's a relief to hear
I can always count on you here to give me different perspectives and ideas. Thanks ladies. Don't worry if you don't hear from me for the next week. I haven't murdered him, I'll just be on vacay.
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midaycare 11:28 AM 11-17-2017
Have fun! I'm jealous!
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Michael 02:40 PM 11-17-2017
I was reading through a lot of the post here. I don't know if its my place to comment but from a guy's point of view I can relate to several issues that your husband is having.

When one party in a relationship is highly organized and responsible, the other party can sometimes take advantage of it. Its not as though they are lazy but the other party is so good at it, that they tend to let the better one "take the job".

Your husband may not understand how much you do for the business and your relationship. I think you would want your husband to have the leadership traits that you possess. That may wear on the respect that you have for him, which is not good for a man's position in a relationship.

I do not think he will change unless he actually believes you will leave him. Sometimes, a guy needs a kick in the teeth to wake him up before its too late.

The other option is to accept who he is. Did he change since your marriage? Sometimes people expect others to change and that's most likely not going to happen unless something major happens that causes them to realize they "must" change.
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Josiegirl 02:24 AM 11-18-2017
Enjoy your vacation!!! Hope it renews your marriage in many ways and brings you both back, able to work on a fresh start!
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Denali 09:37 AM 11-18-2017
Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa:
My boundaries aren't being honored by my DH in almost every other aspect though. I can't say I had no fault in all of this either because when my DH told them yes I could have said no but I didn't in an effort to not fight with my DH, which inevitably always happens when I stay firm.

Sometimes I don't even get a chance to say no to them before my DH says yes. I do not like to argue in public or in the presence of other people so if I don't agree with DH in front of others I will stay quiet. I think that's a huge part of my problem.

Later when we are home and alone and I bring it up to my DH it's like it doesn't matter what I think on the subject. I have reached out privately to them and spoke up to them about how I would not be able to accommodate something and my husband will just reach back out to them and say that we got it figured out on our end and that now it's ok. I then stay quiet out of embarrassment.

He has done it when his sister needed someone to watch her kids one weekend. I didn't want to do it. My DH told her that he would do it but then he left and left the kids here without telling me.

Or once when I had a workshop to attend one weekend and DH was going to watch our kids while I attended. That morning he told me he wasn't going to be able to watch them after all because he was going to be out of town all day to pick up some truck part and that I needed to find someone else to watch them. I ended up not being able to go to the workshop.

He has thrown away possessions and paperwork of mine that he thought were unimportant because he wanted to de-clutter the house but will not get rid of his own things.

Not too long ago we made an agreement that he could buy a new TV as long as I could get a new large rug for the living room. He got his TV and then said that the rug wasn't a priority (the money was going to come out of his paycheck because I make enough to cover the daycare expenses, the utilities, my van payment and have just a little left over for gas and extras).

So I think I'm going to talk to BF and get back to regular pickups and if they need a later time no hard feelings if they choose to go elsewhere. I feel like I should at least give it a chance since really they have no real idea that this whole thing has been happening behind the scenes. They can't change something that I haven't told them is an issue. BF wil be here in 30 minutes so I'll know more about how he'll react then.
Honestly, from someone’s whos been in your shoes, id straight out ask your DH if he feels and believes you are expendable? If he feels you are less then his friends? If he feels that you are so unimportant that he feels he has the right to treat you like you are nothing? Ask him if he even likes spending time with you? Tell him that his actions tell you that he does not love you. Does not care about your feelings and you as his WIFE.

Be blunt. Be cruel. Do not back down. He needs to hear exactly what his actions are doing to the person that he is supposed to spend the rest of his life with. I mean does he even know (or care) that Divorce is in his future if he doesn’t start treating you at least like a person that matters in his life? If he’s not going to treat you like his wife then He needs to at least treat you like the mother of his children and not some nameless red shirt that has no bearing on his life.

This is emotional abuse honey. Gas lighting.

I had to literally tell my DH that if I didn’t see him start treating me better and him change his behavior towards me, I’d be divorcing him by the end of the year.
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