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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Should I Tell My Parents?!
mountainside13 12:15 PM 02-18-2014
My daughter came to me this weekend and told me some disturbing news that an adult at her school was touching her inappropriately. I completely believe her and took her into her therapist and the therapist agrees that something is going on. We are making a report to DHS. The therapist said that I might want to inform my parents because this could get ugly. A Childcare provider/therapists making allegations (true or untrue) about an adult at school can get ugly. The media could get wind of it. Should I inform parents? It is such a sensitive subject and really personal. I can also see what she means by being proactive about it. So heart broken!
We pulled her out of school already and the school has been informed.
We pulled her out of school already and the school has been informed.
daycare 12:24 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by mountainside13:
My daughter came to me this weekend and told me some disturbing news that an adult at her school was touching her inappropriately. I completely believe her and took her into her therapist and the therapist agrees that something is going on. We are making a report to DHS. The therapist said that I might want to inform my parents because this could get ugly. A Childcare provider/therapists making allegations (true or untrue) about an adult at school can get ugly. The media could get wind of it. Should I inform parents? It is such a sensitive subject and really personal. I can also see what she means by being proactive about it. So heart broken!
We pulled her out of school already and the school has been informed.
I am so so sorry to hear about this. Idon't know if I would tell the DCP just yet, it's really not any of their business and it may make your child feel uncomfortable to hear people talking about it in your home. I would not say anything unless asked. Will you have an attorney? You might want to ask them if you should discuss this so openly or not.My daughter came to me this weekend and told me some disturbing news that an adult at her school was touching her inappropriately. I completely believe her and took her into her therapist and the therapist agrees that something is going on. We are making a report to DHS. The therapist said that I might want to inform my parents because this could get ugly. A Childcare provider/therapists making allegations (true or untrue) about an adult at school can get ugly. The media could get wind of it. Should I inform parents? It is such a sensitive subject and really personal. I can also see what she means by being proactive about it. So heart broken!
We pulled her out of school already and the school has been informed.
I understand being proactive, but I think I would not say anything unless asked. We went through something huge with my daughter on the internet last year that could have been very horrible for her to have to deal with. Kids at her school got arrested for what they did to her. I have parents that have kids at her school too, but I did not tell them about it, no one even asked.
It's up to you how you want to handle it but if it were me I would not be open to discuss this with families
melilley 12:34 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by daycare:
I am so so sorry to hear about this. Idon't know if I would tell the DCP just yet, it's really not any of their business and it may make your child feel uncomfortable to hear people talking about it in your home. I would not say anything unless asked. Will you have an attorney? You might want to ask them if you should discuss this so openly or not.
I understand being proactive, but I think I would not say anything unless asked. We went through something huge with my daughter on the internet last year that could have been very horrible for her to have to deal with. Kids at her school got arrested for what they did to her. I have parents that have kids at her school too, but I did not tell them about it, no one even asked.
It's up to you how you want to handle it but if it were me I would not be open to discuss this with families
I am so so sorry to hear about this. Idon't know if I would tell the DCP just yet, it's really not any of their business and it may make your child feel uncomfortable to hear people talking about it in your home. I would not say anything unless asked. Will you have an attorney? You might want to ask them if you should discuss this so openly or not.
I understand being proactive, but I think I would not say anything unless asked. We went through something huge with my daughter on the internet last year that could have been very horrible for her to have to deal with. Kids at her school got arrested for what they did to her. I have parents that have kids at her school too, but I did not tell them about it, no one even asked.
It's up to you how you want to handle it but if it were me I would not be open to discuss this with families
preschoolteacher 12:38 PM 02-18-2014
I wouldn't. It's heart wrenching for your daughter and not something I'd share unless you really need to. I would wait and see. Plus, if she's a minor, her identity should be protected and it would be a very long time before a court case in which you would get in the news. You'll probably have new parents by then.
melilley 12:38 PM 02-18-2014
So sorry your dd and you have to go through this! 
I agree with pp though. I wouldn't tell parents either, especially since right now in the eyes of the law it's alleged and things could turn ugly if the accused person found out you were telling people. When/if it gets to the point of media attention, then maybe then I would mention it to parents.
I really hope that the authorities seriously look into this. I hope you called the police as well as dhs.
I agree with pp though. I wouldn't tell parents either, especially since right now in the eyes of the law it's alleged and things could turn ugly if the accused person found out you were telling people. When/if it gets to the point of media attention, then maybe then I would mention it to parents.
I really hope that the authorities seriously look into this. I hope you called the police as well as dhs.
mountainside13 12:39 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by daycare:
I am so so sorry to hear about this. Idon't know if I would tell the DCP just yet, it's really not any of their business and it may make your child feel uncomfortable to hear people talking about it in your home. I would not say anything unless asked. Will you have an attorney? You might want to ask them if you should discuss this so openly or not.
I understand being proactive, but I think I would not say anything unless asked. We went through something huge with my daughter on the internet last year that could have been very horrible for her to have to deal with. Kids at her school got arrested for what they did to her. I have parents that have kids at her school too, but I did not tell them about it, no one even asked.
It's up to you how you want to handle it but if it were me I would not be open to discuss this with families
I honestly have no clue if we will need an attorney! I have never had to do this before so I don't know yet. I keep going back and forth on to say something or not. Thank you for the support! We are feeling pretty alone right now! I am so so sorry to hear about this. Idon't know if I would tell the DCP just yet, it's really not any of their business and it may make your child feel uncomfortable to hear people talking about it in your home. I would not say anything unless asked. Will you have an attorney? You might want to ask them if you should discuss this so openly or not.
I understand being proactive, but I think I would not say anything unless asked. We went through something huge with my daughter on the internet last year that could have been very horrible for her to have to deal with. Kids at her school got arrested for what they did to her. I have parents that have kids at her school too, but I did not tell them about it, no one even asked.
It's up to you how you want to handle it but if it were me I would not be open to discuss this with families
So sorry your daughter went through that!!!!
Michael 12:41 PM 02-18-2014
Sorry for you and your daughter. You may wish to keep it private.
If you wanted to tell your parents you could simply tell them that an issue with your daughter at school occurred and you informed DHS. Its a private matter that may become public and you wanted them to be aware of it in case it does.
I know it will spike their curiosity but tell them that is all you can say on the matter until its resolved. I think they will relate and understand.
If you wanted to tell your parents you could simply tell them that an issue with your daughter at school occurred and you informed DHS. Its a private matter that may become public and you wanted them to be aware of it in case it does.
I know it will spike their curiosity but tell them that is all you can say on the matter until its resolved. I think they will relate and understand.
NeedaVaca 12:41 PM 02-18-2014
You should be reporting this to the police asap
mountainside13 12:43 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by preschoolteacher:
I wouldn't. It's heart wrenching for your daughter and not something I'd share unless you really need to. I would wait and see. Plus, if she's a minor, her identity should be protected and it would be a very long time before a court case in which you would get in the news. You'll probably have new parents by then.
I didn't think about it that way ! Great point!!! A lot of my kids are older so they will go to school fall 2015. I wouldn't. It's heart wrenching for your daughter and not something I'd share unless you really need to. I would wait and see. Plus, if she's a minor, her identity should be protected and it would be a very long time before a court case in which you would get in the news. You'll probably have new parents by then.
Originally Posted by melilley:
So sorry your dd and you have to go through this!
I agree with pp though. I wouldn't tell parents either, especially since right now in the eyes of the law it's alleged and things could turn ugly if the accused person found out you were telling people. When/if it gets to the point of media attention, then maybe then I would mention it to parents.
I really hope that the authorities seriously look into this. I hope you called the police as well as dhs.
Thank you!! We also notified police. I really hope they take it seriously! From the reading I have done and talking to the therapist most cases nothing happens So sorry your dd and you have to go through this!
I agree with pp though. I wouldn't tell parents either, especially since right now in the eyes of the law it's alleged and things could turn ugly if the accused person found out you were telling people. When/if it gets to the point of media attention, then maybe then I would mention it to parents.
I really hope that the authorities seriously look into this. I hope you called the police as well as dhs.
Crazy8 12:47 PM 02-18-2014
no I would not tell DCP's at this time and I would be calling the police immediately. You need more than just a therapist to fight this. I have a friend who went thru something like this and it was much harder to fight than you would expect.
my thoughts are with you and your daughter as you deal with this.
my thoughts are with you and your daughter as you deal with this.
Play Care 01:09 PM 02-18-2014
Rather than tell dcp's I would call your licensor to let them know. I don't even know how much detail you need to give but a general overview (your own child was the victim of a crime at SCHOOL (stress it was at school not the day home) DHS and police are involved, etc.) and it was suggested you give licensing a heads up in case the alleged criminal makes counter allegations.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this!!
I am so sorry you are dealing with this!!
Starburst 01:10 PM 02-18-2014
Personally, unless in the cases where the DCPs have children in that school and have classes or is in regular contact with that adult (and you suspect their child has been hurt by this person), it's not really their business. Plus, later on this can cause issues if the school or accused can claim that you spread lies (slander) about them.
This is a personal matter between your family and the school, and an especially personal issue for your daughter; I doubt she would want all your daycare parents to know she was touched inappropriately (many children in this situation are embarrassed enough to tell their own parent- it's a miracle she even said anything); telling everyone about her personal business may scar her and make her feel like people are talking about her and the situation behind her back. Not to mention, either way rumors are going to spread but you still have a chance of protecting your daughter's identity if you don't tell the daycare parents (who may tell friends, who tell more friends until the whole town knows). But if you strongly believe your DCPs should know, I would first ask your daughter before telling others about something that personal.
Remember a therapist is NOT a lawyer (they actually shouldn't even be giving you legal advice). As someone who has depression/anxiety issues, I'm actually really surprised a therapist would even suggest this considering how sensitive of a subject this is. I suggest maybe looking into a different therapist/councilor.
This is a personal matter between your family and the school, and an especially personal issue for your daughter; I doubt she would want all your daycare parents to know she was touched inappropriately (many children in this situation are embarrassed enough to tell their own parent- it's a miracle she even said anything); telling everyone about her personal business may scar her and make her feel like people are talking about her and the situation behind her back. Not to mention, either way rumors are going to spread but you still have a chance of protecting your daughter's identity if you don't tell the daycare parents (who may tell friends, who tell more friends until the whole town knows). But if you strongly believe your DCPs should know, I would first ask your daughter before telling others about something that personal.
Remember a therapist is NOT a lawyer (they actually shouldn't even be giving you legal advice). As someone who has depression/anxiety issues, I'm actually really surprised a therapist would even suggest this considering how sensitive of a subject this is. I suggest maybe looking into a different therapist/councilor.
daycare 01:14 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by Starburst:
Personally, unless in the cases where the DCPs have children in that school and have classes or is in regular contact with that adult (and you suspect their child has been hurt by this person), I say it's not really their business.
This is a personal matter between your family and the school, and an especially personal issue for your daughter; I doubt she would want all your daycare parents to know she was touched inappropriately (many children in this situation are embarrassed enough to tell their own parent); doing so may scar her and make her feel like people are talking about it behind her back. Not to mention, either way rumors are going to spread but you still have a chance of protecting your daughter's identity if you don't tell the daycare parents (who may tell friends, who tell more friends). But if you strongly believe your DCPs should know, I would first ask your daughter before telling others about something that personal.
I would not do this.....the school will be be required to announce the matter. At that time they will ask all parents to talk to their children and for those to come forward that need to. I would not try to handle this. take care of your daughter and get her all the help that you can. My daughter has been in counseling for over a year now and I support her in it. I let the school take care of everything else.Personally, unless in the cases where the DCPs have children in that school and have classes or is in regular contact with that adult (and you suspect their child has been hurt by this person), I say it's not really their business.
This is a personal matter between your family and the school, and an especially personal issue for your daughter; I doubt she would want all your daycare parents to know she was touched inappropriately (many children in this situation are embarrassed enough to tell their own parent); doing so may scar her and make her feel like people are talking about it behind her back. Not to mention, either way rumors are going to spread but you still have a chance of protecting your daughter's identity if you don't tell the daycare parents (who may tell friends, who tell more friends). But if you strongly believe your DCPs should know, I would first ask your daughter before telling others about something that personal.
Starburst 01:22 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by Starburst:
Personally, unless in the cases where the DCPs have children in that school and have classes or is in regular contact with that adult (and you suspect their child has been hurt by this person), it's not really their business.
This is a personal matter between your family and the school, and an especially personal issue for your daughter; I doubt she would want all your daycare parents to know she was touched inappropriately (many children in this situation are embarrassed enough to tell their own parent- it's a miracle she even said anything); telling everyone about her personal business may scar her and make her feel like people are talking about her and the situation behind her back. Not to mention, either way rumors are going to spread but you still have a chance of protecting your daughter's identity if you don't tell the daycare parents (who may tell friends, who tell more friends until the whole town knows). But if you strongly believe your DCPs should know, I would first ask your daughter before telling others about something that personal.
Personally, unless in the cases where the DCPs have children in that school and have classes or is in regular contact with that adult (and you suspect their child has been hurt by this person), it's not really their business.
This is a personal matter between your family and the school, and an especially personal issue for your daughter; I doubt she would want all your daycare parents to know she was touched inappropriately (many children in this situation are embarrassed enough to tell their own parent- it's a miracle she even said anything); telling everyone about her personal business may scar her and make her feel like people are talking about her and the situation behind her back. Not to mention, either way rumors are going to spread but you still have a chance of protecting your daughter's identity if you don't tell the daycare parents (who may tell friends, who tell more friends until the whole town knows). But if you strongly believe your DCPs should know, I would first ask your daughter before telling others about something that personal.
Originally Posted by daycare:
I would not do this..... the school will be be required to announce the matter. At that time they will ask all parents to talk to their children and for those to come forward that need to. I would not try to handle this. take care of your daughter and get her all the help that you can. My daughter has been in counseling for over a year now and I support her in it. I let the school take care of everything else.
I'm confused... are you disagreeing with me? Because I basically just said what you are saying...?I would not do this..... the school will be be required to announce the matter. At that time they will ask all parents to talk to their children and for those to come forward that need to. I would not try to handle this. take care of your daughter and get her all the help that you can. My daughter has been in counseling for over a year now and I support her in it. I let the school take care of everything else.
daycare 01:30 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by Starburst:
I'm confused... are you disagreeing with me? Because I basically just said what you are saying...?
what I was disagreeing with is even saying anything to the parents that have children in that school. the school will make sure that everyone is kept safe and will remove that person.I'm confused... are you disagreeing with me? Because I basically just said what you are saying...?
Starburst 01:31 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by daycare:
what I was disagreeing with is even saying anything to the parents that have children in that school. the school will make sure that everyone is kept safe and will remove that person.
I just said that it wasn't their business unless the child when to that school, I never said that she should flat out tell them herself or say anything to them.what I was disagreeing with is even saying anything to the parents that have children in that school. the school will make sure that everyone is kept safe and will remove that person.
CraftyMom 01:34 PM 02-18-2014
VERY sensitive subject, as a parent I absolutely would NOT tell my dcp's!
The most important reason is you don't want to lose your daughter's trust!
Also, it's like the telephone game where a comment gets misspoken so many times it's unrecognizable. You don't want this to somehow be misconstrued that things were happening in your daycare.
So sorry to hear you are going through this!
I have been through this with my own child, not at school, and it is a very touchy subject and needs to be handled carefully
The most important reason is you don't want to lose your daughter's trust!
Also, it's like the telephone game where a comment gets misspoken so many times it's unrecognizable. You don't want this to somehow be misconstrued that things were happening in your daycare.
So sorry to hear you are going through this!
I have been through this with my own child, not at school, and it is a very touchy subject and needs to be handled carefully
daycare 01:34 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by Starburst:
I just said that it wasn't their business unless the child when to that school, I never said that she should flat out tell them herself or say anything to them.
Personally, unless in the cases where the DCPs have children in that school and have classes or is in regular contact with that adult (and you suspect their child has been hurt by this person), it's not really their business.I just said that it wasn't their business unless the child when to that school, I never said that she should flat out tell them herself or say anything to them.
I was responding to this....perhaps I misunderstood what you were saying. I was saying that even if they have children in that school or class not to mention it..... Let the school take care of it....
Starburst 01:37 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by daycare:
Personally, unless in the cases where the DCPs have children in that school and have classes or is in regular contact with that adult (and you suspect their child has been hurt by this person), it's not really their business.
I was responding to this....perhaps I misunderstood what you were saying. I was saying that even if they have children in that school or class not to mention it..... Let the school take care of it....
I didn't say 'mention it' either, just that it wasn't their business.Personally, unless in the cases where the DCPs have children in that school and have classes or is in regular contact with that adult (and you suspect their child has been hurt by this person), it's not really their business.
I was responding to this....perhaps I misunderstood what you were saying. I was saying that even if they have children in that school or class not to mention it..... Let the school take care of it....
SilverSabre25 01:45 PM 02-18-2014
mountainside, my heart goes out to your daughter. Kudos to her for telling you! I wish you both all the best 
Michael 01:46 PM 02-18-2014
Of course most of us would keep it private as our family did but the OP said this would most likely go public. I say get ahead of the story and control what you can.
crazydaycarelady 01:51 PM 02-18-2014
I think I would keep it a family affair for now It MAY go public but a child's name would never be released.
daycare 01:56 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by crazydaycarelady:
I think I would keep it a family affair for now It MAY go public but a child's name would never be released.
having a serious issue like this in a small town ( not sure if you live in one or not) the name of the person will eventually get out. With my daughter it did. I don't want to get to detailed about it, but it got really ugly and even though this was over a year ago, we still have not gone to court with it. The DA's office is pressing charges against the boys at her school. One of who happens to be my best friends son. It's been a very tough year.I think I would keep it a family affair for now It MAY go public but a child's name would never be released.
If you really think that you need to be proactive about it with the parents i would just say.
Unfortunately my child was victim to a crime that was committed at her school. I wanted to let everyone know because this may become a public matter. For the privacy of my family and daughter please allow for us to keep this matter private. Thank you for respecting my families wishes.
DCP
mountainside13 01:57 PM 02-18-2014
Thank you all for the great advice!! I have decided to not tell the parents any details. Since we are going to start homeschooling until we can get her open enrolled, I will inform them of that piece but nothing else. Thank you for so much support and advice!
Second Home 02:08 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by Michael:
If you wanted to tell your parents you could simply tell them that an issue with your daughter at school occurred and you informed DHS. Its a private matter that may become public and you wanted them to be aware of it in case it does.
I agree . And I am so sorry this happened .If you wanted to tell your parents you could simply tell them that an issue with your daughter at school occurred and you informed DHS. Its a private matter that may become public and you wanted them to be aware of it in case it does.
Michael 02:21 PM 02-18-2014
Originally Posted by mountainside13:
Thank you all for the great advice!! I have decided to not tell the parents any details. Since we are going to start homeschooling until we can get her open enrolled, I will inform them of that piece but nothing else. Thank you for so much support and advice!
Yes, homeschool!Thank you all for the great advice!! I have decided to not tell the parents any details. Since we are going to start homeschooling until we can get her open enrolled, I will inform them of that piece but nothing else. Thank you for so much support and advice!
Originally Posted by Second Home:
I agree . And I am so sorry this happened .
Thank you, it was not an adult but her young friend. The therapist by law had to notify DHS. Done and over with about 7 years ago.I agree . And I am so sorry this happened .
grandmom 03:44 PM 02-18-2014
I heard this in a class and it makes sense to me:
Every time you tell someone else about your daughter's experience, you make her a victim again. It's not your story to tell.
Think about ALL the people who will react to it. They may avoid you and her. They may ask inappropriate questions to her when you are not around. They may tease her.
Talk to her about how it's important to share with you and the police, and the counselor, but not to tell her friends. These stories are never forgotten.
I'm so sorry you've been dealt this. It is devastating.
Get counseling for you, your husband, and your daughter.
Every time you tell someone else about your daughter's experience, you make her a victim again. It's not your story to tell.
Think about ALL the people who will react to it. They may avoid you and her. They may ask inappropriate questions to her when you are not around. They may tease her.
Talk to her about how it's important to share with you and the police, and the counselor, but not to tell her friends. These stories are never forgotten.
I'm so sorry you've been dealt this. It is devastating.
Get counseling for you, your husband, and your daughter.
jenn 04:26 PM 02-18-2014
I'm so sorry that you and your daughter have had this experience. I agree with most of the others. I would keep it quiet with the DCPs. If the time comes that it becomes public, address it at that time.
I hope you and your daughter love homeschooling!
I don't think you owe them any explanation, but in case you feel like you want to say something, this is an idea. Some parents may notice that your daughter is around during school hours so you could say something like "Due to some issues at school, we are going to be homeschooling our daughter." If they ask what the issues are, you can just say that you prefer to keep that a family matter. This way you have notified them that she will be in the home during daycare hours, you have informed them that you will be homeschooling, and you will be stating that there have been some problems at school. Technically, if the story got out later, you would have informed them that there was an issue, so they would not feel like you had kept it from them.
I hope you and your daughter love homeschooling!
I don't think you owe them any explanation, but in case you feel like you want to say something, this is an idea. Some parents may notice that your daughter is around during school hours so you could say something like "Due to some issues at school, we are going to be homeschooling our daughter." If they ask what the issues are, you can just say that you prefer to keep that a family matter. This way you have notified them that she will be in the home during daycare hours, you have informed them that you will be homeschooling, and you will be stating that there have been some problems at school. Technically, if the story got out later, you would have informed them that there was an issue, so they would not feel like you had kept it from them.