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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>How To Tell A Parent Their Child Is Manipulating Them
SunshineMama 06:16 AM 10-08-2013
3yo DCG had become increasingly manipulative. At drop off, she has been clinging to her mom, which makes mom stay a tad bit longer each time. DCM is very concerned and worried that something is wrong. (She's sick, unhappy, etc). After mom goes, she asks to be held all morning, I tell her to play toys, she sulks, then eventually plays and is okay. I am going to have to address this with mom, bc I see it soon spiraling into full tantrums at drop off. What is the best approach? I need something very light and gentle... The truth is that DCG is being a manipulative brat, but DCM is sure something is wrong.
countrymom 06:33 AM 10-08-2013
I would tell mom straight out and i have. I would let mom know that when she leaves that suzy is fine and goes and plays.
SunshineMama 06:41 AM 10-08-2013
The mom would be so taken aback with that approach, I think. I text her and let her know shes fine, but she's one of those moms who thinks there is always an underlyingissue.
TheGoodLife 06:45 AM 10-08-2013
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
The mom would be so taken aback with that approach, I think. I text her and let her know shes fine, but she's one of those moms who thinks there is always an underlyingissue.
I would try taking picture texts as soon as possible after drop off, to show her that she is ACTUALLY fine The mom would be so taken aback with that approach, I think. I text her and let her know shes fine, but she's one of those moms who thinks there is always an underlyingissue.
A little "Susie is having a great time playing with ..." She can't argue with pictures and may finally believe that she is actually OK. Then if DO continues to be difficult, start a discussion for a plan to help the transition. If it doesn't work and it escalates, you can try the Bye-Bye Outside method. Good luck!
Willow 06:46 AM 10-08-2013
Originally Posted by countrymom:
I would tell mom straight out and i have. I would let mom know that when she leaves that suzy is fine and goes and plays.
I would tell mom straight out and i have. I would let mom know that when she leaves that suzy is fine and goes and plays.
But thats not at all what Suzy is doing though. She's absolutely not fine and she doesn't just go and play.
Op, that she's been uncharacteristically clingly lately doesn't scream manipulation to me. As a mom I'd definitely be worried something was wrong if my child started having trouble at drop offs, was clingy with her provider and had a hard time jumping into normal play throughout the morning too. Wondering if there's more to what brought you to the conclusion that she's being manipulative?
A child struggling with separation isnt necessarily just being a brat. That she sulks even after mom has left would tell me her behavior is definitely not just a show at the door reserved for mom, that there is very likely much more to it.
crazydaycarelady 06:49 AM 10-08-2013
I have had that situation before too. Could you explain to dcm that the longer she stays the worse it gets? I have even said to a parents before "once you leave the show is over" since there is no longer an audience. Also if dcg is still acting up after mom leaves I would have her go to a quiet spot in another room or something similar and tell her she can join the group when she gets herself together, stop crying, etc.
Play Care 07:24 AM 10-08-2013
Originally Posted by Willow:
But thats not at all what Suzy is doing though. She's absolutely not fine and she doesn't just go and play.
Op, that she's been uncharacteristically clingly lately doesn't scream manipulation to me. As a mom I'd definitely be worried something was wrong if my child started having trouble at drop offs, was clingy with her provider and had a hard time jumping into normal play throughout the morning too. Wondering if there's more to what brought you to the conclusion that she's being manipulative?
A child struggling with separation isnt necessarily just being a brat. That she sulks even after mom has left would tell me her behavior is definitely not just a show at the door reserved for mom, that there is very likely much more to it.
But thats not at all what Suzy is doing though. She's absolutely not fine and she doesn't just go and play.
Op, that she's been uncharacteristically clingly lately doesn't scream manipulation to me. As a mom I'd definitely be worried something was wrong if my child started having trouble at drop offs, was clingy with her provider and had a hard time jumping into normal play throughout the morning too. Wondering if there's more to what brought you to the conclusion that she's being manipulative?
A child struggling with separation isnt necessarily just being a brat. That she sulks even after mom has left would tell me her behavior is definitely not just a show at the door reserved for mom, that there is very likely much more to it.
I've had kids crying on rare occasions that they didn't want to come and it was clearly trying to get the parent to stay, keep them home, etc. The reason I knew it was truly "manipulative" was because as soon as the parents left the child was absolutely fine. Literally as soon as the parent was out the door the child stopped crying (and miraculously there weren't even tears to wipe away) and cheerfully asked what was for breakfast. Completely as if a switch has been flipped - and the child was truly fine the rest if the day - not clingy or sulky, etc.
That the OP's child is taking a while to settle may indicate another issue.
SunshineMama 07:32 AM 10-08-2013
Originally Posted by Willow:
But thats not at all what Suzy is doing though. She's absolutely not fine and she doesn't just go and play.
Op, that she's been uncharacteristically clingly lately doesn't scream manipulation to me. As a mom I'd definitely be worried something was wrong if my child started having trouble at drop offs, was clingy with her provider and had a hard time jumping into normal play throughout the morning too. Wondering if there's more to what brought you to the conclusion that she's being manipulative?
A child struggling with separation isnt necessarily just being a brat. That she sulks even after mom has left would tell me her behavior is definitely not just a show at the door reserved for mom, that there is very likely much more to it.
She knows what she's doing. She will flat out tell me that she whines to get what she wants because her moms gives it to her. She has tried that whole game with me and stops after realizing it doesn't work. I just took pics of her and sent it to mom so she could see that she's fine. She has wanted to be held all day lately bc her friends have been going to school some of the days she's here and she is so used to being entertained that she demands constant 1:1 attention if there aren't other children to play with her, hence the whining and sulking when I won't hold her all day. The child is 3. At 3 as a DCK, you get unlimited hugs and reassurances, but I'm not going to hold you all day with little babies around who actually need held.But thats not at all what Suzy is doing though. She's absolutely not fine and she doesn't just go and play.
Op, that she's been uncharacteristically clingly lately doesn't scream manipulation to me. As a mom I'd definitely be worried something was wrong if my child started having trouble at drop offs, was clingy with her provider and had a hard time jumping into normal play throughout the morning too. Wondering if there's more to what brought you to the conclusion that she's being manipulative?
A child struggling with separation isnt necessarily just being a brat. That she sulks even after mom has left would tell me her behavior is definitely not just a show at the door reserved for mom, that there is very likely much more to it.
Willow 07:40 AM 10-08-2013
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
She knows what she's doing. She will flat out tell me that she whines to get what she wants because her moms gives it to her. She has tried that whole game with me and stops after realizing it doesn't work. I just took pics of her and sent it to mom so she could see that she's fine. She has wanted to be held all day lately bc her friends have been going to school some of the days she's here and she is so used to being entertained that she demands constant 1:1 attention if there aren't other children to play with her, hence the whining and sulking when I won't hold her all day. The child is 3. At 3 as a DCK, you get unlimited hugs and reassurances, but I'm not going to hold you all day with little babies around who actually need held.
Holy buckets I couldnt disagree with you more. She knows what she's doing. She will flat out tell me that she whines to get what she wants because her moms gives it to her. She has tried that whole game with me and stops after realizing it doesn't work. I just took pics of her and sent it to mom so she could see that she's fine. She has wanted to be held all day lately bc her friends have been going to school some of the days she's here and she is so used to being entertained that she demands constant 1:1 attention if there aren't other children to play with her, hence the whining and sulking when I won't hold her all day. The child is 3. At 3 as a DCK, you get unlimited hugs and reassurances, but I'm not going to hold you all day with little babies around who actually need held.
You nailed the issue, that there was a change in the dynamics of the group. That often causes insecurity. While I agree that she doesn't need to be held all day (and I didn't see anyone else suggest you should?), a little understanding and reassurance can go a long way.
You yourself relayed that she sulks into the morning before the cloud finally clears, to me that in no way indicates that she's manipulating mom because mom is obviously long gone.
But to each their own I suppose......
preschoolteacher 07:56 AM 10-08-2013
I think Mom is looking for a reason to explain her behavior, and you gave us one--she is missing her friends when they are going to school on some of the days she is here. I would tell the mom that!!
I know some kids cry when their parents are dropping off and then are immediately fine. It does not seem like this girl fits that case. She's sulking and moping and is not fine right away. She might need some help learning how to "do daycare" without her friends there every day. At 3 years old, she is not old enough to figure it out without adult guidance and support.
You can come up with a little plan for how you can help the DCG. Could it be that her routine has been thrown off by having the friends there some days, gone on other days? You could talk about who will be there to play each day "It Monday, so Bobby is here... It's Tuesday, so you get to play with Bobby AND Sally..."
You could also come up with an activity that she would look forward to doing on the days when her friends are gone. Something small. It doesn't have to be huge. Maybe get down a special toy or small craft.
I know some kids cry when their parents are dropping off and then are immediately fine. It does not seem like this girl fits that case. She's sulking and moping and is not fine right away. She might need some help learning how to "do daycare" without her friends there every day. At 3 years old, she is not old enough to figure it out without adult guidance and support.
You can come up with a little plan for how you can help the DCG. Could it be that her routine has been thrown off by having the friends there some days, gone on other days? You could talk about who will be there to play each day "It Monday, so Bobby is here... It's Tuesday, so you get to play with Bobby AND Sally..."
You could also come up with an activity that she would look forward to doing on the days when her friends are gone. Something small. It doesn't have to be huge. Maybe get down a special toy or small craft.