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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>????I Need Opinions on 4th Round of Toilet Training
Blackcat31 06:52 AM 10-20-2010

Okay, so I have a dcb who is 3 yrs old. (He turned 3 in July) I'll call him Alex. Alex has been coming to DC since birth, as well as his older brother who is now SA and no longer needs care) Alex comes to DC everyday from 8:00 A.M. to 5:30 P.M.
Shortly after Alex turned 2, I started toilet training. He was clearly ready and I had another dcb the same age who was also training. Everything went great and within 2 weeks Alex was in underwear and was accident free. About 2 months later Alex got sick with bad flu/cold. (Oct.) He got diarhea etc. Alex was out of care for almost 10 days before he returned. During his time home, he reverted to wearing pull-ups/diapers. When he returned to care, we started all over again and it took me until almost January to get him back in underwear again. Then in February, mom went away for 12 days and Alex went and stayed with Grandma. Well G-ma said it was too much work to stay on top of toileting habits(????) and Alex returned from G-ma's in diapers!!! We tried again and once again made it to underwear sucessfully. Each time it took a little longer and Alex's attitude was a little bit more uncooperative. Then in May, mom graduated from college and had the summer off while she job searched. Alex still came 2 days a week so he could stay in the loop and not lose his space. Needless to say during the summer, mom got super lazy and Alex is now once again wearing diapers/pull-ups and he has started hauling around his pacifier!!!!! (Which mom had said he ditched back when he was turning 2!!) Now mom is working full time and Alex comes everyday, all day and mom says to me the other morning, "When do you want to start getting Alex back into underwear?" Well, I don't! But I also do NOT want to change a 3 1/2 yr olds diaper either! I am half tempted to tell mom she needs to take a week off and do it herself! I found out the last time I trained Alex, that mom was putting diapers/pull-ups on Alex as soon as he got home because she runs around alot and doesn't like having to make time to let Alex use the bathroom. My thoughts on this are I already did the job, not once but 3 x's now and I don't really want to do it again. Alex's attitude and willingness to comply gets worse every time and he no longer cares(rewarded or not!)
So basically I'm wondering what you all would do in this situation. I already have in my contract that if your child is not potty trained at least 50% by age 3 the rate is higher. Mom could care less. She is on state assistance and the amount left over that the state doesn't pay, she pays without blinking an eye so that does not defer her. I am so angry that I did all the work (3X) and mom doesn't help out or even support my efforts!! So I pretty much feel as though it is no longer my responsibility.
What should I say to mom? Is it still my responsibility? Should I tell her to do it and I'll "support" her this go round? Should I just grit my teeth and do it for the 4th time? Arrrgg!!
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marniewon 07:09 AM 10-20-2010
Wow, what lazy adults this child has in his life!!! As much of a pain it is to change diapers on a kid that age, at this point, personally, I would tell mom to do it!! Charge her the higher rate until he is completely trained. Tell mom, I "trained" him 3x's and he was doing great - now it's your turn. Seriously, I really doubt mom is going to do anything with him if she knows you'll do it for her! Be blunt and tell it like it is. That's what I'd do anyway!
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MyAngels 07:11 AM 10-20-2010
My word, what a mess - I'm always amazed at what some parents will put their children through for their own convenience. I think I would make time to sit down with this mother and tell her exactly what you've said here. Because of the lack of support at home you are unwilling to take the initiative and train this child again only to have your hard work undone in a matter of a few days at home, but that you will do your best to support their efforts while he is at daycare. Good luck, I have a feeling you're going to need it .
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ddnanny13 07:35 AM 10-20-2010
I think I would tell mom it is her responsibility as well. As bad as it sounds, take the extra cash while you can get it and let her be the parent for once. If in several months there is still no change then maybe revisit the issue.
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BentleysBands 07:38 AM 10-20-2010
this is the story of my life with parents and potty training....i change my policy many moons ago to : i do NOT potty train children, i will ONLY assist in what a parent has started!

too many times WE dcp's do too much and parents actually expect it i think

i believe potty training is a PARENTS job NOT ours! onec i see a chid showing signs i mention to the parent and get the feel from them.

one of my current dck's is will be 5 oct.24...he was JUST out of small adult attends in Aug this is my HUGE child. and whats so sad, is he still needs help w/everything in the bathroom!
the parents did not and still does not encourage being self sufficient...another reason why he needs school!
but who am i ? kwim? all i can do is encourage it here and pass along how well he does to the parents...
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MyAngels 08:09 AM 10-20-2010
Originally Posted by BentleysBands:
one of my current dck's is will be 5 oct.24...he was JUST out of small adult attends in Aug
I may have to rethink my "I've never heard of a child going to kindergarten in diapers" reassurance that I give to anxious potty-training parents .
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BentleysBands 08:15 AM 10-20-2010
Originally Posted by MyAngels:
I may have to rethink my "I've never heard of a child going to kindergarten in diapers" reassurance that I give to anxious potty-training parents .
LOL....its funny but not LOL...whats super sad is IMO they have allowed this child to be so big. nothing medical is wrong she says, hes just 'big boned'
yeah, as big as my 10th grader and the small attends were tight then...it was gross lemme tell u...thankfully he never pooped a day in my care and he came to me at 23months...he'd wait LOL
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Unregistered 08:20 AM 10-20-2010
That is SO GROSS. I would NOT accept her child back if he is gonna countine to wear pull ups or diapers I would state that he needs to be in underwear everyday and you WILL take him to the potty but he will not be rewarded as he already KNOWS how to use the bathroom as he did it at the age of 2. I do NOT even watch children who are 3 and NOT potty trained unless due to a special need and you should see how quick parents are to train there child before they turn 3 I do this because a 2 year old CAN use the potty so a 3 year old can MOST diffently use the potty. I also do NOT allow pacis in daycare once a child turns 2. Some parents are so lazy it makes me so mad.
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DCMomOf3 08:31 AM 10-20-2010
I would tell her that you will be happy to continue with bathroom breaks as soon as he starts coming in underwear and has been diaper free at home for at least a week. I would also offer to provide sticker reward charts for use at home (there are a lot of free ones in the internet) if they would like.
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laundryduchess@yahoo.com 08:56 AM 10-20-2010
I would charge the high fee, require pullups, put them over his underwear and when HE tells you take him, if not have him change himself. 4-5 days of 4-5 pairs of wet underwear or poopy even may get mom on the ball. I would tell her that you are taking him whenever he tells you but if she doesnt do it at home too, then there is no reason to do it at your place. You will work WITH her not do it FOR her.
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countrymom 09:37 AM 10-20-2010
I don't know what to tell you, maybe tell the mom that he was potty trained and every time something came up he would show up in pull ups and you are to the point that your finding it useless to keep trying to potty train him when no one want to keep initiating at home. there's a better way to put it but I can't think of it right now.
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kitkat 10:19 AM 10-20-2010
Originally Posted by laundryduchess@yahoo.com:
I would charge the high fee, require pullups, put them over his underwear and when HE tells you take him, if not have him change himself. 4-5 days of 4-5 pairs of wet underwear or poopy even may get mom on the ball. I would tell her that you are taking him whenever he tells you but if she doesnt do it at home too, then there is no reason to do it at your place. You will work WITH her not do it FOR her.
I completely agree! Very well said, laundryduchess!
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Unregistered 11:03 AM 10-20-2010
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
mom says to me the other morning, "When do you want to start getting Alex back into underwear?"
I'd tell her, "It's not a question of when I want to start getting Alex back into underwear. The question is, when do YOU want to get Alex back into underwear." I'd have a sit down chat with her, explaining everything you outlined to us here. I'd let her know how frustrating it is to get a child trained only to have him backslide not because he isn't capable but because they aren't working with him at home. I'd tell her to work on it at home for a week or two and then let you know how it's going. As soon as he seems to be doing okay at home, I'd agree to work on it again at day care.
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Blackcat31 12:36 PM 10-20-2010
Thank you everyone for your posts, it is always nice to see I am not the crazy one and expecting too much or too little from my DC families!!
So, I decided to give mom a letter requesting that she take responsibility for Alexís toilet training. Hereís a copy: Any input before I give it to her? I decided to write it in a letter because then I have documentation and because she is one of those momís who just has one excuse after another. Plus, she always tries to make a joke about anything serious I try to talk to her about.
Mom,
I have had Alex in underwear several times now only to be under minded by outside influences. First his being ill, then grandma and then you, so I have come to a decision regarding the care I provide to Alex. I will give you 30 days to get Alex back in underwear. (This means accident free for at least 90% of the week.) I will support you in any way I am able. However, if I feel the job is becoming more my responsibility than yours, I will no longer be willing to provide services to you. I would like for you to outline your plan for toilet training and keep me informed of all progress on a daily basis. If I hear that Alex is put in a diaper, for any reason, I will terminate our child care agreement immediately. Alex is perfectly capable of using the toilet. It is a disservice to him and his abilities to not allow him to be trained and remained trained at his age. If you feel that you are not able to comply with this request, than please regard this letter as written notice to discontinue our child care service agreement effective November 3, 2010.
As always, if you have any questions and or concerns, please contact me as soon as possible so that we can resolve this matter.

Any suggestions? Too harsh? Too lenient? Not clear enough? Did I leave anything out?
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kidkair 01:07 PM 10-20-2010
I think your letter is very nicely written. I think you're being a little to harsh in saying that you will end care for the kid though. You stated earlier that you charge extra for kids still in diapers at 3yrs so why the rush to terminate? I'd charge her more and ask her to outline her plan as you stated and then follow her plan even it it takes until he is four. I had one kid that I did about the same thing to but thankfully he always knew he was to wear underware here. He was 3 yrs before we even started. Remember that the biggest key in potty training is that the kid has to want it.
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Blackcat31 01:34 PM 10-20-2010
Originally Posted by kidkair:
I think you're being a little to harsh in saying that you will end care for the kid though. You stated earlier that you charge extra for kids still in diapers at 3yrs so why the rush to terminate?
I guess I just felt like it would push her to take me a little more serious since she pays the extra $ now and doesn't even blink an eye. The assistance she is on pays for all but $10 of her child's care for the month and she ends up paying about $5 more per day for her higher rate. I guess I am bothered that the extra charge doesn't bother her! LOL! Money is a big motivating factor for most parents, it works great for late payments or late pick ups so I figured that charging an additional fee would motivate her to parent her child.
Also, Alex IS completely capable of going to the toilet, he is just past wanting to bother anymore. He has been in and out of diapers enough times that I don't think he really cares anymore. He will soil his pants and continue playing like it is no big deal. (It used to bother the heck out of him, which is why he was trained near two in the first place). I honestly believe now this whole mess is caused by lazy parenting and no support at home for his efforts. So changing Alex's behavior is probably the easy part. Getting mom to do what I think is her responsibility is the hard part.
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DCMomOf3 02:18 PM 10-20-2010
Instead of threatening to term, could you say something like: If I don't see enough effort on potty training outside of my care after 30 days I will have to re-evaluate our contract and how you and your needs fit in with the care I am willing to provide.
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Blackcat31 02:42 PM 10-20-2010
Great idea... plus it sounds better than threatening with termination. Thanks!
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Unregistered 06:13 AM 10-21-2010
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Thank you everyone for your posts, it is always nice to see I am not the crazy one and expecting too much or too little from my DC families!!
So, I decided to give mom a letter requesting that she take responsibility for Alexís toilet training. Hereís a copy: Any input before I give it to her? I decided to write it in a letter because then I have documentation and because she is one of those momís who just has one excuse after another. Plus, she always tries to make a joke about anything serious I try to talk to her about.
Mom,
I have had Alex in underwear several times now only to be under minded by outside influences. First his being ill, then grandma and then you, so I have come to a decision regarding the care I provide to Alex. I will give you 30 days to get Alex back in underwear. (This means accident free for at least 90% of the week.) I will support you in any way I am able. However, if I feel the job is becoming more my responsibility than yours, I will no longer be willing to provide services to you. I would like for you to outline your plan for toilet training and keep me informed of all progress on a daily basis. If I hear that Alex is put in a diaper, for any reason, I will terminate our child care agreement immediately. Alex is perfectly capable of using the toilet. It is a disservice to him and his abilities to not allow him to be trained and remained trained at his age. If you feel that you are not able to comply with this request, than please regard this letter as written notice to discontinue our child care service agreement effective November 3, 2010.
As always, if you have any questions and or concerns, please contact me as soon as possible so that we can resolve this matter.

Any suggestions? Too harsh? Too lenient? Not clear enough? Did I leave anything out?
That letter is AWSOME good jor for standing up for you and this little boy
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Former Teacher 04:17 PM 10-21-2010
Originally Posted by MyAngels:
I may have to rethink my "I've never heard of a child going to kindergarten in diapers" reassurance that I give to anxious potty-training parents .
You would be surprised. I once had a 3 year old. Extremely smart. Completely potty trained. Mom got pregnant. Sadly she miscarried. Guess what? Yes, she put him back in DIAPERS. He was 5 years old and still in diapers. He totally regressed. Mom didn't want him in underwear because of the lost baby. She wanted him to be the baby.

Eventually she pulled him out of the center so she can spend more time with him before he went to Kindergarten. I heard that she eventually retrained him however he was very accident prone.

P.S. she went on to have another baby
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