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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>OT- My Sister Is Embarrassing Me
daycare 03:13 PM 11-25-2013
My sister and I both live in the USA, but in different states. We do not really get along very well and I am sure after reading this post you will see why.

My sister decided to come down for TG for the first time ever because a few months back I brought my parents over from our home country.

She decided that since she was in CA from OR that she would travel to SO Ca to take her child on a few adventures.

My sister is a VERY frugal person, in fact, I paid for the gas to come here because originally she told me she could not afford to come to see my parents. Then all of a sudden she can afford Disneyland, Universal and etc, plus the drive the rest of the way down there. So this made me angry.

I used to live in Newport Beach Ca before moving up State a few years back. I have many friends from my home country that moved there as well and she also knows them.

My sister has not talked to or seen my friends from my home country in probably over 20+ years. Well being her frugal self, she contacted several of my friends on FB and ASKED if she and her son could spend the night at their house while she is down there. As well as asking if any of them could get her discount tickets to Disneyland or other places.

My friends text me telling me about it and they are mad. Not mad at me, but talking badly about my sister. I am angry she would do this.

As of right now, she has no where to stay the night and no money for a hotel. she is 43 years old and does this stuff all the time. Normally, I have to end up bailing her out, but in the last 4 years I have not, so we never talk anymore. Now she is asking me to put a room on my credit card for them to have a place to stay tonight.

What would you do or say. I am so angry with her that I don't even want to open my door up when she returns in a few days to join us for TG...
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Cradle2crayons 03:50 PM 11-25-2013
Originally Posted by daycare:
My sister and I both live in the USA, but in different states. We do not really get along very well and I am sure after reading this post you will see why.

My sister decided to come down for TG for the first time ever because a few months back I brought my parents over from our home country.

She decided that since she was in CA from OR that she would travel to SO Ca to take her child on a few adventures.

My sister is a VERY frugal person, in fact, I paid for the gas to come here because originally she told me she could not afford to come to see my parents. Then all of a sudden she can afford Disneyland, Universal and etc, plus the drive the rest of the way down there. So this made me angry.

I used to live in Newport Beach Ca before moving up State a few years back. I have many friends from my home country that moved there as well and she also knows them.

My sister has not talked to or seen my friends from my home country in probably over 20+ years. Well being her frugal self, she contacted several of my friends on FB and ASKED if she and her son could spend the night at their house while she is down there. As well as asking if any of them could get her discount tickets to Disneyland or other places.

My friends text me telling me about it and they are mad. Not mad at me, but talking badly about my sister. I am angry she would do this.

As of right now, she has no where to stay the night and no money for a hotel. she is 43 years old and does this stuff all the time. Normally, I have to end up bailing her out, but in the last 4 years I have not, so we never talk anymore. Now she is asking me to put a room on my credit card for them to have a place to stay tonight.

What would you do or say. I am so angry with her that I don't even want to open my door up when she returns in a few days to join us for TG...
I would simply tell her "I'm sorry, I don't have the extra money right now. That's why I try to plan ahead. I wish I could help though. See you on Thursday!" Click.
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Heidi 03:54 PM 11-25-2013
I'd get her a room at the most horrible (yet safe) place I could find.


Why can't she just drive back home to your house? Did she go to Disney yet? Does she have gas money to get home, or how was that supposed to happen? I would tell her "no, sorry, but you know you're welcome to crash here for the next couple days".
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JoseyJo 04:07 PM 11-25-2013
Originally Posted by Cradle2crayons:
I would simply tell her "I'm sorry, I don't have the extra money right now. That's why I try to plan ahead. I wish I could help though. See you on Thursday!" Click.
Yep! Some people will NEVER own their own problems if they can find someone to bail them out. Don't bail her out.
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Unregistered 04:17 PM 11-25-2013
Originally Posted by daycare:
My sister and I both live in the USA, but in different states. We do not really get along very well and I am sure after reading this post you will see why.

My sister decided to come down for TG for the first time ever because a few months back I brought my parents over from our home country.

She decided that since she was in CA from OR that she would travel to SO Ca to take her child on a few adventures.

My sister is a VERY frugal person, in fact, I paid for the gas to come here because originally she told me she could not afford to come to see my parents. Then all of a sudden she can afford Disneyland, Universal and etc, plus the drive the rest of the way down there. So this made me angry.

I used to live in Newport Beach Ca before moving up State a few years back. I have many friends from my home country that moved there as well and she also knows them.

My sister has not talked to or seen my friends from my home country in probably over 20+ years. Well being her frugal self, she contacted several of my friends on FB and ASKED if she and her son could spend the night at their house while she is down there. As well as asking if any of them could get her discount tickets to Disneyland or other places.

My friends text me telling me about it and they are mad. Not mad at me, but talking badly about my sister. I am angry she would do this.

As of right now, she has no where to stay the night and no money for a hotel. she is 43 years old and does this stuff all the time. Normally, I have to end up bailing her out, but in the last 4 years I have not, so we never talk anymore. Now she is asking me to put a room on my credit card for them to have a place to stay tonight.

What would you do or say. I am so angry with her that I don't even want to open my door up when she returns in a few days to join us for TG...
She hasn't talked to you in 4 years because you stopped bailing her out. She is ONLY talking to you in hopes of getting something out of you.


SAY NO. NO NO NO NO. lol
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daycare 04:23 PM 11-25-2013
Originally Posted by Heidi:
I'd get her a room at the most horrible (yet safe) place I could find.


Why can't she just drive back home to your house? Did she go to Disney yet? Does she have gas money to get home, or how was that supposed to happen? I would tell her "no, sorry, but you know you're welcome to crash here for the next couple days".
They are at Disney right now.......she said that she knows she could not make the drive back tonight. It's about an 8 hour drive from there.

I am more angry about her asking my friends than anything.........
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Heidi 04:26 PM 11-25-2013
Originally Posted by daycare:
They are at Disney right now.......she said that she knows she could not make the drive back tonight. It's about an 8 hour drive from there.

I am more angry about her asking my friends than anything.........
She's using you again. Don't let her. If she needs to take a nap in her car in the parking lot and then drive back, so be it.

you are NOT responsible for her poor choices. It's harsh, but it's the truth.

Seriously, if you totally cave, then find a Motel 6 on the way..they are bare bones, man. Not even and alarm clock. But I say, don't cave! It's what...4:30 there now? In the afternoon? Tell her to stop being a baby and drive.
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daycare 04:33 PM 11-25-2013
Originally Posted by Heidi:
She's using you again. Don't let her. If she needs to take a nap in her car in the parking lot and then drive back, so be it.

you are NOT responsible for her poor choices. It's harsh, but it's the truth.

Seriously, if you totally cave, then find a Motel 6 on the way..they are bare bones, man. Not even and alarm clock. But I say, don't cave! It's what...4:30 there now? In the afternoon? Tell her to stop being a baby and drive.
OK so back bone in full affect...

I text her and said NO, I don't have any money to give you, I can't help you. I know she won't dare ask my parents, but seeing that they are state side and have american currency, I would not be surprised if she asks..

I so bad want to say something to her about asking my friends for handouts, but also don't want to start an argument
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Heidi 04:41 PM 11-25-2013
Originally Posted by daycare:
OK so back bone in full affect...

I text her and said NO, I don't have any money to give you, I can't help you. I know she won't dare ask my parents, but seeing that they are state side and have american currency, I would not be surprised if she asks..

I so bad want to say something to her about asking my friends for handouts, but also don't want to start an argument
yeah, you aren't responsible for your friends either. They said no (good for them). That's the end. They are not going to hold her bad behavior against you. Just let it go.

If she brings it up, I'd tell her straight up "well, sis, I think you have a lot of nerve asking people you haven't seen in years for a place to stay. But, I don't want to discuss it any more, quite frankly. It's between you and them".

Every time she tries to put HER behavior on YOU. Stop her dead in her tracks. "You make your choices, I make mine, sis. You have every right to do that, but you have to live with the consequences, not me". You could even preface that with "you know I love you sis...but...." to soften it, if you're feeling it, that is.
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sharlan 05:09 PM 11-25-2013
"Sorry Sis, but you know dh isn't working right now. I don't have any spare cash, YOYO (your on your own)."
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Sugar Magnolia 03:16 AM 11-26-2013
$$$ for Disney........no $$$ for hotel. Does. Not. Compute.

daycare
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littlemissmuffet 05:45 AM 11-26-2013
My sister's a mooch too, I can relate.

She never has money for the necessities, but always has money for the frivolous. She's ALWAYS asking someone for a handout... i.e. a couple of months ago my husband inherited some money from his dad passing away. The second (literally) my sister found out she asked me if she could "borrow" $200. When I asked for what she said "I don't know."
I have never and will NEVER give her any money because I know that she doesn't ever pay anyone back... and also because I know she does have money, she just doesn't budget it and prioritize it responsibly. Not my problem.

I'm glad you didn't make your sister's problem yours either!
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countrymom 06:02 AM 11-26-2013
I have a sister like this too. Except she is mooching off of my parents and has for years. As a matter of fact, her 18 yr old dd lives with my parents because "supposedly" when she got married (many years ago) the dd would live with her. Not only did my dad pay for my sisters house and her wedding, but he was raising the grand dd too. Well, the marriage lasted 1 week (I kid you not--she got married because I got married and had a house so she wanted it too) got back together with the father of the dd, but never picked up her dd from my parents house. Now there is another child (a very spoiled 5 yr old) who she dumps at my parents house all the time too.
She expects people to do things for her, she is a lazy hoarding lame excuse for a parent. I have not been to her house (acually no one has and neither have the neighbours) in over 10 yrs because I told her one day that she needs to clean her hoard up.
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itlw8 07:02 AM 11-26-2013
so when she does get back she will have spent the rest of the money you gave her for gas and will need more to get home ??? fun day ahead Thursday. Too bad she did not come to visit with your parents
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JenNJ 07:53 AM 11-26-2013
"Sister, you have abused my generosity in the past and even just this week. I am not responsible for your poor decisions. This is your mess to figure out, not mine. I would appreciate it if you no longer asked me for money."

Do NOT apologize. Do NOT say you "wish you could help." Do NOT offer any advice. Don't mention the friends -- you can't control that. You can only control YOUR actions.
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Michelle 07:57 AM 11-26-2013
When she follows your parents out the door to "spend time with them" $$$$
Then she will have enough to get home.
Where did she spend the night?
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daycare 09:59 AM 11-26-2013
UGH So sure enough, she hit my parents up and not only did they put her at the 4 seasons, they gave her money to that she could buy everyone stuff from disneyland.

They don't know how she is, they have not seen her in YEARS either. But my parents feel that they are making things right and I just kept out of it.

She is supposed to return here tomorrow where I will just leave a happy face, but I wrote her a long letter that I will give to her when she leaves.

My parents will only be here a few more months before they need to return home and I bet you now that she has them hooked they will be her new ATM...

My sister is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, that makes the STUPIDEST decisions....... She has a PHD,but can't balance a checking account....
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MotherNature 10:27 AM 11-26-2013
ugh.. I feel for you. Hope you have a decent Thanksgiving though. Sounds like a really uncomfortable situation. Hopefully your parents will wake up soon & stop enabling her.
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daycare 03:41 PM 11-26-2013
Just to add some heat to the fire......My sister just called me to let me know that she is on her way to my house and that she will be here in time to eat dinner with us...................UGH.


I am treating my parents to mexican food, they have never had it. So my sister just invited herself to go out to eat with us and I know she will not have money to pay for her food. I am really about to blow my lid....

I want to put some tape on my mothers mouth....lol JK I know that she is very excited about going..

Anyone want a sister?????? lol
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TwinKristi 05:37 PM 11-26-2013
You must be close to me! I'm about 8hrs from Disney too! What county are you in?
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Blackcat31 05:52 PM 11-26-2013
((Hugs)). It is hard having a family member like that but you know what? Ask yourself.... If she died tomorrow would you ONLY remember the crappy stuff about her?

Probably not. You'd probably remember only the good memories and not give a second thought to her current bad behaviors.

It's the holidays.... Why not give YOURSELF a gift and forgive and let it go?

IME people who behave like her do so for attention and in a way to make themselves feel better about something they are lacking in their inner selves.

Your sister would probably give anything to have your life.. She might be envious, embarrassed about her own choices, feel left out, alone or anxious.... Who knows but the point is she's your sister. She isn't a daily issue (just periodically) and since it is the holidays (a time for positives) why not just focus on whatever good you can find in this and be happy your entire family is all together, healthy, happy and loved.

Doesn't matter how you got there or who paid for what. In the end all that matters is you are together and you are family.
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daycare 06:03 PM 11-26-2013
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
((Hugs)). It is hard having a family member like that but you know what? Ask yourself.... If she died tomorrow would you ONLY remember the crappy stuff about her?

Probably not. You'd probably remember only the good memories and not give a second thought to her current bad behaviors.

It's the holidays.... Why not give YOURSELF a gift and forgive and let it go?

IME people who behave like her do so for attention and in a way to make themselves feel better about something they are lacking in their inner selves.

Your sister would probably give anything to have your life.. She might be envious, embarrassed about her own choices, feel left out, alone or anxious.... Who knows but the point is she's your sister. She isn't a daily issue (just periodically) and since it is the holidays (a time for positives) why not just focus on whatever good you can find in this and be happy your entire family is all together, healthy, happy and loved.

Doesn't matter how you got there or who paid for what. In the end all that matters is you are together and you are family.
I hear you and you are very right. I think letting it all out and venting is a good start, which I got to do here. I did write her a letter telling her that I don't feel good about the way that she treats me. It feels horrible to only be contacted when she needs MONEY. A few years ago when I was dealing with a life threatening pregnancy, she was no where around. I called and tried to find her to come see me, but she would not even return my calls.

I am at the point in my life that I realize that we will never get along, never have a positive relationship and if I was truly reacting to the way I really feel, she would not even be coming to my home.

BUT I am doing it for my parents, because it has been 22 years since all of us have been under the same roof.

I won't mutter a word to her about any of this and will ask for the gift of peace in my home over the holiday. When she leaves I will give her the letter.

It won't resolve anything with her, but I will feel better about being able to say what I feel.....

Thanks for the reminder BC
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Blackcat31 06:08 PM 11-26-2013
Originally Posted by daycare:
I hear you and you are very right. I think letting it all out and venting is a good start, which I got to do here. I did write her a letter telling her that I don't feel good about the way that she treats me. It feels horrible to only be contacted when she needs MONEY. A few years ago when I was dealing with a life threatening pregnancy, she was no where around. I called and tried to find her to come see me, but she would not even return my calls.

I am at the point in my life that I realize that we will never get along, never have a positive relationship and if I was truly reacting to the way I really feel, she would not even be coming to my home.

BUT I am doing it for my parents, because it has been 22 years since all of us have been under the same roof.

I won't mutter a word to her about any of this and will ask for the gift of peace in my home over the holiday. When she leaves I will give her the letter.

It won't resolve anything with her, but I will feel better about being able to say what I feel.....

Thanks for the reminder BC
Exactly what I meant.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You cant change how others behave but you can control how their behavior affects you.

~peace. Perfect way to put it.
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daycare 06:17 PM 11-26-2013
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Exactly what I meant.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You cant change how others behave but you can control how their behavior affects you.

~peace. Perfect way to put it.
Or I can drink it all away over a nice tall vodka soda.....lol JK..... I can't drink alcohol when my parents are around.
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DaycareMom 05:58 AM 11-27-2013
I hope everything goes smoothly for you! That is a tough situation to be in.
Keep us updated!
Happy Thanksgiving!
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daycare 07:32 AM 11-27-2013
Originally Posted by DaycareMom:
I hope everything goes smoothly for you! That is a tough situation to be in.
Keep us updated!
Happy Thanksgiving!
715am here and all i can say is that I am very happy that she is only here for one more day.....
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daycare 08:33 AM 11-27-2013
help me find my ability to calm myself.

so last night on the drive back my sis car has issues. The check engine light came on, but makes it to my house.

She comes in tell me my car is not working let me have yours so I can take your daughter to the movies. BTW we still have not gone to dinner yet. I still needed my car to take my parents out to eat.

Um no, I need my car. She ends up taking my sons car and leaves her special needs child with me. I don't really know him, I have not seen him in 4 years.

So I am beyond angry at this point. It all happened so fast, I didn't really even catch what was going on.

They don't return until after midnight.... I worked all day and then was up all night taking care of her son who was scream crying for his mom. Poor guy.

Then this morning she wakes and tells me I need to fix my car, you need to drop me off over here. UM NO, I have to work.

Now she is trying to get me to write checks to her for some stuff I bought from her school fundraiser, her child asked me to buy. I already gave her the checks the other day when she stopped here on her way to Disneyland. I am sooooo angry right now.

is the day over yet??
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Blackcat31 08:42 AM 11-27-2013
Deep breathes N.

She is asking because she thinks it is going to get her what she wants. Just keep saying no.

She is behaving like an overgrown toddler and trying to get her way by using immature tactics and guilt trips.

This is a great time to practice being calm while using your backbone.

In this scenario, you have nothing to lose...no one to term or give their 2 weeks notice so....suck it up Buttercup and start using your inner strength to get you through this....

No is an easy word to use but a hard one to enforce.

Just say it and walk away.

You CAN do this.
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sharlan 08:44 AM 11-27-2013
Go stand in the bathroom and SCREAM, take a deep breath, and stand up straight.

Look Sis in the eyes and say "NO!"
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daycare 01:56 PM 11-27-2013
Thanks guys. I feel better just getting it out.
I went to the bathroom and cried instead.

I just had to get it out before it ate at me.


Now you can see how unspoken I am. I always fear conformation.
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