sahm2three 10:30 AM 07-07-2010
Ok, the child I have been having all the issues with has been terrible this week. I know I should just terminate him, but I feel like that is just what everyone does with him!! So I am trying so hard to make things work. Here is the thing, more issues today, so I decided I was going to start making things a little more formal. I wrote a discipline sheet and dated it, made a copy for myself and for mom. I know dc mom is having a LOT of personal issues, so I text a mutual friend and ask if today is going ok for dc mom (they go to school together). No, NOT a good day AT all. Ok, well, things aren't great here either!!! So do I just hold off a day or two or just give her the sheet? I don't want to add more stress to her situation, but something has to be done NOW with her son! This is why daycares after time get treated more like a business than that of a place where children come to be loved when their parents have to work. UGH!!!!
JenNJ 10:39 AM 07-07-2010
I would give it to her today, but be sensitive to her "bad day." Maybe set up a time where you 2 can sit down and come up with a plan to work together on these behaviors so that there is consistency between home and daycare.
originalkat 10:43 AM 07-07-2010
Originally Posted by JenNJ:
I would give it to her today, but be sensitive to her "bad day." Maybe set up a time where you 2 can sit down and come up with a plan to work together on these behaviors so that there is consistency between home and daycare.
---I agree---
Janet 10:54 AM 07-07-2010
I'd give her the documentation, but just do it with as much empathy as you can muster. I also do the "compliment sandwich" and that can really act as a nice buffer. Just be genuine in the compliment if you choose to use the "compliment sandwich" and be as specific as you can. This lets her know that you are paying attention to all of the stuff that the child is up to not just the negative.
I was the mom of a child who was CONSTANTLY getting negative reports. There was a period of time, roughly 6 months, where Olivia had at least 3 time-outs documented on her daily reports every day! One day I stopped counting once I got to time out #17! I realize that my child was a turd, and believe me, she had major consequences at home, but dang! It was rough hearing about all of the negative stuff, and never getting any positive comments! She had one daycare teacher who truly disliked her and she didn't go out of her way to hide it!
The point of my story is that as a parent who is having a crappy day, hearing more negative stuff just makes the situation so much worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that Olivia's teachers told me about her behavior, but it would have been nice to have even just one positive comment. It would have taken the edge off!
I agree with everyone else! Just give it to her with as much empathy as you've got to offer.
sahm2three 12:16 PM 07-07-2010
Originally Posted by Janet:
I'd give her the documentation, but just do it with as much empathy as you can muster. I also do the "compliment sandwich" and that can really act as a nice buffer. Just be genuine in the compliment if you choose to use the "compliment sandwich" and be as specific as you can. This lets her know that you are paying attention to all of the stuff that the child is up to not just the negative.
I was the mom of a child who was CONSTANTLY getting negative reports. There was a period of time, roughly 6 months, where Olivia had at least 3 time-outs documented on her daily reports every day! One day I stopped counting once I got to time out #17! I realize that my child was a turd, and believe me, she had major consequences at home, but dang! It was rough hearing about all of the negative stuff, and never getting any positive comments! She had one daycare teacher who truly disliked her and she didn't go out of her way to hide it!
The point of my story is that as a parent who is having a crappy day, hearing more negative stuff just makes the situation so much worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that Olivia's teachers told me about her behavior, but it would have been nice to have even just one positive comment. It would have taken the edge off!
I am also the parent of a child who had lots of negative comments from a teacher. It is hard to hear. But the difference between my situation (my son was just busy, had a hard time controling his hands and talked a lot, wasn't naughty at all) and this boy is that my son didn't hurt anyone. This boy is hurting people on a daily basis, breaking toys, talking back, and just being disrespectful. I try to remember to give him a clean slate every day, and we start each day on a positive note, but the bad behavior starts almost immediately! I do think he is sweet but I do think he needs help with his issues. I don't think he can completely control it, because after he calms down he knows and can tell me what he did wrong. I am just trying to find a good balance between not keeping mom in the loop and telling her how rotten my days are. It is just really rough here, and some of the other kids are starting to mimmick his bad behavior. Ugh....I am just really really needing it to be Friday!!!
Janet 12:25 PM 07-07-2010
it sucks when the other kids start to mimic the behavior that you are trying to stop.
My kid totally deserved her timeouts, she was a little ****! It was just hard to deal with the constant negativity. Your dcb can be sweet, right?
That's huge! That is something that can take the edge off and it can help the parents be receptive and to work with you. I wish you the best of luck!
AmandasFCC 01:47 PM 07-07-2010
Originally Posted by sahm2three:
I am also the parent of a child who had lots of negative comments from a teacher. It is hard to hear. But the difference between my situation (my son was just busy, had a hard time controling his hands and talked a lot, wasn't naughty at all) and this boy is that my son didn't hurt anyone. This boy is hurting people on a daily basis, breaking toys, talking back, and just being disrespectful. I try to remember to give him a clean slate every day, and we start each day on a positive note, but the bad behavior starts almost immediately! I do think he is sweet but I do think he needs help with his issues. I don't think he can completely control it, because after he calms down he knows and can tell me what he did wrong. I am just trying to find a good balance between not keeping mom in the loop and telling her how rotten my days are. It is just really rough here, and some of the other kids are starting to mimmick his bad behavior. Ugh....I am just really really needing it to be Friday!!!
I'm going to be very unpopular.
I dealt with one similar to this, although his aggression was more directed at trying to hurt things: ripping books apart, punching and kicking walls until his hands and feet hurt, banging his head, ripping apart the sleeping cots .... and then general defiance. He was a NIGHTMARE. And I had the same feelings as you: I didn't want to terminate because that's what everyone else had done with him.
.... I held onto this kid until one day I found I couldn't even look at his face. I wanted NOTHING to do with this child - A CHILD - because his behaviour was so atrocious that I was so angry I couldn't look past it anymore.
Don't let yourself get to that point. If the behaviour is THAT bad, then something needs to be done. If you can't handle it, you don't have to. In my case, my immediate termination (which came after several warnings and NO improvements whatsoever) finally gave Mom the push she needed to seek help for her son. I don't know where he's at now, but I sure hope he's getting better ...
missnikki 03:31 PM 07-09-2010
That is one of the worst situations to have as a provider- the kid who needs more than we can provide. It's a slippery slope, I mean, do you terminate for your own sanity, or do you suck it up as the adult?
I ask myself the following:
1) Is it changing the temperature of the program regularly? (Does it affect everyone for most or all of the day?)
2) Do other parents notice, report it, or express concerns about their child being in the situation?
3) Have I stayed positive and consistent, or outwardly frustrated?
4) Is there parental support? (In this case, it sounds like you can't even GO there with that mom- that is not helpful to anyone and she needs to know, no matter what.)
5) Do I have a support system to help me through it? Maybe a margarita or a backrub and a person to vent to...
Sometimes you just have to cut bait and run. After all, most businesses "reserve the the right to refuse service to anyone".
professionalmom 06:54 PM 07-09-2010
Originally Posted by AmandasFCC:
I'm going to be very unpopular.
I dealt with one similar to this, although his aggression was more directed at trying to hurt things: ripping books apart, punching and kicking walls until his hands and feet hurt, banging his head, ripping apart the sleeping cots .... and then general defiance. He was a NIGHTMARE. And I had the same feelings as you: I didn't want to terminate because that's what everyone else had done with him.
.... I held onto this kid until one day I found I couldn't even look at his face. I wanted NOTHING to do with this child - A CHILD - because his behaviour was so atrocious that I was so angry I couldn't look past it anymore.
Don't let yourself get to that point. If the behaviour is THAT bad, then something needs to be done. If you can't handle it, you don't have to. In my case, my immediate termination (which came after several warnings and NO improvements whatsoever) finally gave Mom the push she needed to seek help for her son. I don't know where he's at now, but I sure hope he's getting better ...
I hear you on this. I had a child that was exactly like this and I didn't want to "pass the buck" because it seemed like everyone else had done it. Even the mom sent him to his dad to live. That's how I got him. I worked with him daily, then the dad would undo every bit of progress we had made. Then one day, my DD was sitting in the playroom, away from everyone, chewing on a toy (she was 10 mths and teething), minding her own business. I saw him run across the room and hit my baby on the head with a solid wood block! That was it for me. She still had a little bit of a soft spot and if he had hit her just right, the damage could have been unimaginable. The dad picked him up immediately and I terminated with them.
Unregistered 03:48 PM 07-11-2010
Originally Posted by missnikki:
That is one of the worst situations to have as a provider- the kid who needs more than we can provide. It's a slippery slope, I mean, do you terminate for your own sanity, or do you suck it up as the adult?
I ask myself the following:
1) Is it changing the temperature of the program regularly? (Does it affect everyone for most or all of the day?)
2) Do other parents notice, report it, or express concerns about their child being in the situation?
3) Have I stayed positive and consistent, or outwardly frustrated?
4) Is there parental support? (In this case, it sounds like you can't even GO there with that mom- that is not helpful to anyone and she needs to know, no matter what.)
5) Do I have a support system to help me through it? Maybe a margarita or a backrub and a person to vent to...
Sometimes you just have to cut bait and run. After all, most businesses "reserve the the right to refuse service to anyone".
We dealt with a child who was very aggressive. We loved him and his mom. Such a sweet little boy, when he was in the right moment. BUT, most of the time he seemed to walk round looking for the next child to hit. If he had a toy in his hand, "all the better to hit you with"... We should have terminated the first time he hit a child over the head (with a rock, on purpose, and with no provocation), but we wanted to make it work so bad. But we had to stay on top of him the entire day. I mean as in one person would practically have to shadow him and not pay any attention to the other kids, and we still couldn't prevent him from hurting the other children. Just something as simple as walking past another child and he'd reach out his hand and give a whack before we could prevent it. He was fast and sneaky.
And his fits when he didn't get his way wore us out too much and day to day we'd go through the day, even from the time we woke up, just plain worn out. We finally had to terminate (but we trudged through it for probably 4 months at least). The people that were supposed to take him after us had him one day...ONE DAY and immediatly told the mom they couldn't watch him either. I just hope he's getting lots of love and help where he is now...wherever he is, since I would imagine no one else will take him until the mom gets him some help. Poor little guy. I honestly think if the mom would just take him to be tested to see if anything is wrong with him he could make some real progress. But without help, it only gets worse. At least it did here.
Good luck!