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knoxmomof2 01:46 PM 07-10-2017
Hi all ☺️ So, I searched through the posts for subpoena topics and read the advice. I'm possibly in a "pre-subpoena" place right now...and I don't even keep the child any more! DCM and DCD were my first clients with DCB 4 years ago. Since then, they've split, both have remarried and both have their new sons in my care.

DCD is being deployed and wants their 50/50 custody for the 5 year old to continue while he's gone. DCM feels that she should have all but EOW with DCB (this is all from DCD). DCD asked me today (while picking up the younger DCB) if I would testify. I told him that all I had to say was that both parents were good parents, I really had nothing to add. I also pointed out that a subpoena would cost me money AND cause me to miss a day of work (including caring for his other son). He knew what I would say and hoped that it would help his case that DCB needed both sides in his life or something. He said he's not sure if DCM intends to include me or not. It sounds like he doesn't intend to pursue it since we've talked.

My question : would you address it preemptively with DCM in order to try to head off a subpoena or wait and see what happens? If I addressed it, I would certainly make it clear that if I were to be subpoenaed, SOMEONE would need to pay me lost wages.

DCM leaves me out of things, DCD likes to share. I am honest with him each time that I don't want to be in the middle and he drops it.

Thank you in advance for your help!
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Leigh 02:06 PM 07-10-2017
Originally Posted by knoxmomof2:
Hi all ☺️ So, I searched through the posts for subpoena topics and read the advice. I'm possibly in a "pre-subpoena" place right now...and I don't even keep the child any more! DCM and DCD were my first clients with DCB 4 years ago. Since then, they've split, both have remarried and both have their new sons in my care.

DCD is being deployed and wants their 50/50 custody for the 5 year old to continue while he's gone. DCM feels that she should have all but EOW with DCB (this is all from DCD). DCD asked me today (while picking up the younger DCB) if I would testify. I told him that all I had to say was that both parents were good parents, I really had nothing to add. I also pointed out that a subpoena would cost me money AND cause me to miss a day of work (including caring for his other son). He knew what I would say and hoped that it would help his case that DCB needed both sides in his life or something. He said he's not sure if DCM intends to include me or not. It sounds like he doesn't intend to pursue it since we've talked.

My question : would you address it preemptively with DCM in order to try to head off a subpoena or wait and see what happens? If I addressed it, I would certainly make it clear that if I were to be subpoenaed, SOMEONE would need to pay me lost wages.

DCM leaves me out of things, DCD likes to share. I am honest with him each time that I don't want to be in the middle and he drops it.

Thank you in advance for your help!
I would NOT address this with DCM. DCD will likely see this as a breach of assumed confidentiality and a betrayal. I would just tell DCD that if he issues a subpoena, that you will expect him to pay for your lost wages, and that you don't feel that you can help his case at all.
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Blackcat31 02:14 PM 07-10-2017
Originally Posted by Leigh:
I would NOT address this with DCM. DCD will likely see this as a breach of assumed confidentiality and a betrayal. I would just tell DCD that if he issues a subpoena, that you will expect him to pay for your lost wages, and that you don't feel that you can help his case at all.
ALL of which would not necessarily help dad anyways because if you DID go to court, you could potentially say that you asked DCD to not involve you and that you had nothing relevant to add but because DD subpoenaed you anyways, that is a perfect example of not being able to put other's needs ahead of his.
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hwichlaz 08:17 AM 07-11-2017
I'm kind of stuck on continuing 50/50 while deployed. If he's not there to take custody....how's he taking custody?
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Leigh 09:10 AM 07-11-2017
Originally Posted by hwichlaz:
I'm kind of stuck on continuing 50/50 while deployed. If he's not there to take custody....how's he taking custody?
I thought about this, as well, but I am assuming that DCD has a wife who WANTS DCB to be part of their family and that DCD recognizes the importance of the sibling bond. I totally understand where BOTH parents are coming from-I'd want my child with me as much as possible, but I feel that DCD wanting his child to be a part of his family, whether he is present or not, is a good thing.
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284878 12:46 PM 07-11-2017
Originally Posted by hwichlaz:
I'm kind of stuck on continuing 50/50 while deployed. If he's not there to take custody....how's he taking custody?
I was thinking grandparents rights, when a parent is not available for visits, grandparents can get court order visits or custody instead.
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hwichlaz 03:49 PM 07-11-2017
Originally Posted by Leigh:
I thought about this, as well, but I am assuming that DCD has a wife who WANTS DCB to be part of their family and that DCD recognizes the importance of the sibling bond. I totally understand where BOTH parents are coming from-I'd want my child with me as much as possible, but I feel that DCD wanting his child to be a part of his family, whether he is present or not, is a good thing.
yeah, but it's better for the child to be with mom than step mom.....weekend visits would keep him connected to siblings. I don't know. It seems like he's fighting for custody for step mom to have while he's away....which here, just wouldn't fly. bio parents get right of first refusal if they request it...even for so called babysitting.
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hwichlaz 03:51 PM 07-11-2017
Originally Posted by 284878:
I was thinking grandparents rights, when a parent is not available for visits, grandparents can get court order visits or custody instead.
Maybe, but that's not quite how grand parent's right's work either. A parent has to be unfit...fit parents get to decide if grandparents are involved or not.
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284878 05:16 AM 07-12-2017
Originally Posted by hwichlaz:
Maybe, but that's not quite how grand parent's right's work either. A parent has to be unfit...fit parents get to decide if grandparents are involved or not.

No, that it is not true, a parent just needs to not be available for visitations. When my sister was widowed, her mil took her to court for grandparents right and was given a visitation schedule for my nephew. A co-worker of mine had an ex that was deployed before he left, he got his parents visitations until he came home. Neither time was a parent ruled unfit.
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Rockgirl 07:18 AM 07-12-2017
Maybe dcd doesn't want anything officially changed through the courts, for fear of it staying that way after he comes home.
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midaycare 07:37 AM 07-12-2017
Originally Posted by Rockgirl:
Maybe dcd doesn't want anything officially changed through the courts, for fear of it staying that way after he comes home.
He probably also doesn't want to start paying child support. That new arrangement would have him paying potentially a lot. Depends on income, but could be $500-$1000 per month.

It is a struggle to change once an order is in place. I'm sure besides money, he doesn't want to come home and be an EOW Dad.
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hwichlaz 08:42 AM 07-12-2017
Originally Posted by 284878:
No, that it is not true, a parent just needs to not be available for visitations. When my sister was widowed, her mil took her to court for grandparents right and was given a visitation schedule for my nephew. A co-worker of mine had an ex that was deployed before he left, he got his parents visitations until he came home. Neither time was a parent ruled unfit.


Gosh, I'm sorry. But the widow situation is not okay. A single widowed parent should be able to move wherever she wants....I think I'd have moved before they had a chance to file. What a way to make her life even harder. So glad I live where I do
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hwichlaz 08:44 AM 07-12-2017
I can think of so many situations, as a mom, where I should have a say over what my kid does and how she's fed, taken care of etc...that grandparents have zero right to interfere with.
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Cat Herder 08:58 AM 07-12-2017
Originally Posted by hwichlaz:
I'm kind of stuck on continuing 50/50 while deployed. If he's not there to take custody....how's he taking custody?
Me, too. If Mom was deployed would Dad be cool with Step-Dad sharing 50/50 with him?
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Cat Herder 09:10 AM 07-12-2017
http://www.uniformlaws.org/ActSummar...sitation%20Act

Of interest. Tough topic. So glad I have never been faced with it.
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Cat Herder 09:22 AM 07-12-2017
Seems like the point is moot and already decided in Tennessee. Dad should not need you to give a statement.

"In Tennessee, can visitation rights be awarded to non-parents?

The State of Tennessee has laws in effect that may enable persons other than the natural parents to be granted visitation rights to the child. If you are in an unconventional situation, you may want to research the law to learn about any applicable scenarios, such as:

1. If a parent with visitation rights becomes deployed or called to duty out of the state, that parent may petition the court to have another family member excise the awarded visitation rights, while the parent is away (TC 36-6-308).

2. Step-parents may be awarded visitation rights with the child if it is in the child's best interests and the step-parent is providing or contributing to the support of the child (TC 36-6-303).

3. A grandparent (or grandparents) may be awarded visitation rights to a child if they meet certain criteria, such as having acted as the child's caregiver, if a parent is deceased, or if the disruption of an established relationship would be detrimental to the child(TC 36-6-306).

Anytime visitation is awarded to a non-parent or guardian, you may account for the time the child spends with the person in the child visitation schedule. "

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284878 10:04 AM 07-12-2017
Originally Posted by hwichlaz:
I can think of so many situations, as a mom, where I should have a say over what my kid does and how she's fed, taken care of etc...that grandparents have zero right to interfere with.
It is not the same as parents rights, she did not have guardianship. It is more like court ordered visits at grandma's house, that's it. My sister could move where ever she wanted too. MIL would have to come to them to see my nephew.
MIL had to follow my sister rules on raising my nephew. MIL was not allowed to cut his hair, she had to take him to my sister's church and so forth or she would lose her visits. The visits are to allow the child to still see and get to know the other part of their family when a parent is unavailable too.
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Tags:childs rights, custody issues, deployment, divorce - life after, military
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