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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Help! Long Post - Sorry!
BlueChairBlessings 11:34 AM 02-01-2017
Hi all! I have never posted, but have been a lurker for several months and this forum has quickly become my go-to, especially as I face some challenges with one family. Your advice has already helped in many cases. This is SO long....Sorry!!!

I started with this family (2 dck - 1 is sa) late Fall & as my first, unfortunately my contract wasn't nearly good enough (much better now!). Looking back, my head was kind of spinning after our first meeting but against my better judgement I took them on.

We've had issues from the beginning with hygiene, not being consistent with pick-up/drop-off, and a host of other things.

Latest is regarding dcg (2)... youngest, only girl, and very babied/spoiled. Nonverbal except for "NO" which I hear all day. Recently, we've begun having some pretty bad temper tantrums and behaviors towards me/other dcks. Hitting, biting, kicking usually begins at drop-off and DCM will not let me step in. I firmly tell dcg "No, we don't ____ here." Then DCM picks her up and baby talks and rocks her for around 5 mins.

I am so frustrated. DCM very difficult to have a conversation with - she just talks over you. I've tried to over over-talk her but she wins 🙂 I've messaged her about issues and she acts like it's all a big shock. Last 2 days we had the drop-off with kicking and hitting mom & it's a tough AM. Does better during day UNTIL her SA brother gets here and then it's 2 more hrs of behavior.

Advice?

Second issue - this same dcg doesn't say words. Lots of sounds but isn't interested in talking at all. Why would she? DCM and brothers talk for her. She obviously still wears diapers & cannot communicate to me when she's wet, etc.

DCM brings in a brand new potty insert today and tells me we need to start using it. That it was dcg's treat this morning & that she initiated potty twice at home last night after 6:30 pick up. Uhhhhh, okay. I was taken aback when she started opening it (and then hitting/kicking began so I got sidetracked). Of course, dcg couldn't tell me she had a dirty diaper and was TOTALLY confused when I tried to put her on it today. She is not ready. A)I need to tell DCM she isn't ready and B)I need to tell her I will provide a insert when she is ready (all my others are younger or already trained).... Right?

Sorry again for length!!!
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sahm1225 11:45 AM 02-01-2017
What is a potty insert? I'm sure others will chimney in with great advice, but my first thought was you to need to implement the bye-bye outside policy where dcm doesn't come in and just waves to her from the door.
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Gemma 11:57 AM 02-01-2017
Sorry no advise from me to help you with such a disrespectful family...get rid of them is all I've got.

I believe many parents choose home daycare, thinking they'll have control over the program, you need to lay some ground rules right from the first interview...you don't need to put up with parents talking over you, or any other form of disrespect

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daycarediva 12:05 PM 02-01-2017
HI! Welcome to the forum!

I will say that it's incredibly hard to set limits with a family AFTER you have allowed so much.

Hand dcm back the potty insert, blame licensing if you can. I would have to sanitize it after each use- not something I am willing to do.

When she talks over you, she's trying to control the situation.

"Dcm, Im concerned that dcg's lack of speech is causing frustration on her part. I am seeing an extreme level of aggression." (dcm talks over you) POINT to dcg hitting. Walk away.

Email her with a new pick up/drop off plan- bye bye outside (Dcm says good bye to kids OUTSIDE, hands them off to you. GREATLY reduces the drama.

I honestly don't see this situation improving. I WILL NOT keep an aggressive child in care unless I can control the situation 100% of the time. Do you have other families enrolled? You're risking losing everyone due to this one family. I would be replacing both.

You could also force them to leave by repeatedly emailing her about the child's day. I would also be pushing for an EI eval. 2yo's should have a minimum of 20 words.
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happymom 12:06 PM 02-01-2017
Start using BlackCat's potty training policy handout.

I am ashamed to say I did the 3 day potty training method when my son was 22 months old and expected him to go to daycare in undies after a 4 day weekend. I had permission from my daycare provider and she was fully on board, but how I WISH she would have put her foot down and said "Nope. your kid needs to show me he's potty trained HERE before I can allow him to go diaper free."

Instead, for months she put up with him having accidents on her floor/rugs before she came to me and said he would have to start coming in pull-ups.

A policy like this would have saved all three of us a lot of grief!!! I will definitely do things differently with my youngest. It sounds like she has some negative attributes and differences in parenting style that you are not wanting to deal with, it might be best to do as others have suggested and replace -- but if you choose to keep working on this, do not continue to let her walk on you. (easier said than done, I know.)
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Unregistered 12:12 PM 02-01-2017
If it was me - I would tell Mom you will accept the child at the door and she isn't to come in. Drop off needs to be done quickly. You can then work on the behavior without Mom present. Hand her back the potty and say - once consistent progress is made at home, I will gladly follow through here. We aren't at that point yet and I have my own supplies.
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Ariana 12:16 PM 02-01-2017
The best way to communicate with this type of person is email. List all of the things you want to say and reiterate policies and what you are and are not willing to do. Ask her if she read it and then ask her to address any issues in an email. Tell her you don't have time to talk or that you don't like talking in front of kids (that is my go to).

I get suoer flustered when people are being rude to me because of the nature of this business I need to remain professional and not be rude back so email works best for me. It might be hard to enforce rules all of a sudden but just tell her that either she starts to adhere to the rules or she will be termed. I let lateness go on too long with a parent recently and had to email her and let her know that I let it go at first because I knew she was getting used to a new routine, now that DCG has been with me for X number of weeks policies will be strictky enforced from here on out.
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happymom 12:30 PM 02-01-2017
Gosh I've been reading this forum for about a year and a half now...

I am still in complete shock about how some parents treat you guys.
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BlueChairBlessings 11:10 PM 02-01-2017
Thank you so much for your advice! I sent DCM a text this afternoon (she wasn't picking dck up today)saying I was emailing her something tonight to review (outside exchange policy). She text back asking if all was okay and it took me a while to reply "Just a few concerns I'm hopeful we can resolve." She immediately called me and I explained no on the potty seat - she took that okay. Acted like she was so surprised about dcg behavior - we'll see how she responds to email.
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Josiegirl 03:29 AM 02-02-2017
Hopefully now that you've caught her attention, she will work with you. To be honest, 2 yos do these things sometimes. The kicking, hitting, etc. It's irritating but it happens. However you'll have to work on her behavior without dcm there to soothe the sorrows. Lol I have 2 2 yos at the moment and dcm coddles them, just gives them a look when they do something they shouldn't. They've become quite aggressive lately and love the attention it's bringing them. Keep your consequences consistent and work on the speech part of it because that's a valuable tool for a 2 yo. Suggest to dcm she help dd work on speech too. Maybe print out something that's appropriate as far as speech development for a 2 yo. and give it to her.
Is this the only girl in the family? If so, and being 'the baby'.....well 'nuf said.
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BlueChairBlessings 09:10 AM 02-02-2017
Oh, I absolutely agree that some of the challenging behavior is just part of the age. My own boys certainly went through it! I think the difference in parenting style is key here - I never played the babying game with them when they pulled that. I'm pretty firm on expectations of behavior for my own kids and kids we're around (dcks, family, etc). Yes, the language skills are definitely bring worked on here!
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Pestle 08:45 PM 02-02-2017
Do you think the delayed communication is a big factor in the aggressive behavior?

Can you recognize in advance what things set her off, and get ahead of them by voicing her feelings ("You want the ball. Jimmy has the ball. That makes you sad") and teaching her the accompanying baby signs?

Would you consider telling DCM that drop-off must be at the door from now on, with no lingering, because DCG is inappropriately attention-seeking when mom comes in?
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BlueChairBlessings 09:53 AM 02-05-2017
Well, DCM wasn't happy about outside exchange but we did it one day and it made a WORLD of difference that day. Of course, that's all irrelevant now because DCM just emailed me notice to quit. She was mad because I told her she couldnt use her childcare assistance to drop child off early so she could take other to the dr. That whopping $3/hr fee was gonna break her. Seriously, these families....
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Ariana 04:12 PM 02-05-2017
Originally Posted by BlueChairBlessings:
Well, DCM wasn't happy about outside exchange but we did it one day and it made a WORLD of difference that day. Of course, that's all irrelevant now because DCM just emailed me notice to quit. She was mad because I told her she couldnt use her childcare assistance to drop child off early so she could take other to the dr. That whopping $3/hr fee was gonna break her. Seriously, these families....
OMG Seriously?? people HATE paying for childcare or anything to do with their children I swear!

I wanted a mom to take her kid to see a speech pathologist and she refused based on $$. In the past 6 months she bought a brand new SUV (replaced their brand new car) and is now selling their home to upgrade to something bigger! for as long as I live I will never figure it out!
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Tags:hygiene, potty training policy, speech pathologist, speech therapist
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