Dealing With One Parent But Not The Other?

[Puddleduck]

Hello all! Hope you're having a great weekend.
I've had a situation seriously escalate recently and I'd really like your suggestions on how to deal with it. DCM and DCB are AMAZING. She follows policies and works with me on issues. DCB is just one of the sweetest little dudes ever and I don't want to lose him.
But I don't want to do business with the DCD. He and DCM divorced recently and he is acting out and becoming threatening. He does drop off about once a month and always stays way too long which causes the dcb to be in tears for the rest of the day so I've had to ask him to do drop off as quickly as possible. He refuses and will storm out swearing and slamming doors. This is not acceptable behaviour and I've now asked that he not do drop off because of it.
When he was told that I don't want him doing drop offs he flipped out and came over to "talk" to me. His ex called and warned me that he was on the way and that he was furious so we locked our doors and refused him entry. He has a wicked temper and I had other kids here at the time (not his son though)- I didn't want to risk them seeing or hearing anything. He spent 5 minutes trying to get in and then left. We called the police to clarify my rights and his rights so a paper trail has started.
Now he's sending me threatening texts saying that he's going to get the law on his side and forcibly remove the child from my care.
The parents do not have a custody arrangement at this time. Care arrangement has always been with the mother- she came to the interview, agreed to the policies, pays me, etc. He did not.
Is there any way that I can term him but not them?

File a restraining order against him ASAP!!!! If he violates it, the cops can come & arrest him for violation of the order.

[sleepinghart]

Originally Posted by Puddleduck

Hello all! Hope you're having a great weekend.
I've had a situation seriously escalate recently and I'd really like your suggestions on how to deal with it. DCM and DCB are AMAZING. She follows policies and works with me on issues. DCB is just one of the sweetest little dudes ever and I don't want to lose him.
But I don't want to do business with the DCD. He and DCM divorced recently and he is acting out and becoming threatening. He does drop off about once a month and always stays way too long which causes the dcb to be in tears for the rest of the day so I've had to ask him to do drop off as quickly as possible. He refuses and will storm out swearing and slamming doors. This is not acceptable behaviour and I've now asked that he not do drop off because of it.
When he was told that I don't want him doing drop offs he flipped out and came over to "talk" to me. His ex called and warned me that he was on the way and that he was furious so we locked our doors and refused him entry. He has a wicked temper and I had other kids here at the time (not his son though)- I didn't want to risk them seeing or hearing anything. He spent 5 minutes trying to get in and then left. We called the police to clarify my rights and his rights so a paper trail has started.
Now he's sending me threatening texts saying that he's going to get the law on his side and forcibly remove the child from my care.
The parents do not have a custody arrangement at this time. Care arrangement has always been with the mother- she came to the interview, agreed to the policies, pays me, etc. He did not.
Is there any way that I can term him but not them?

~Yes, you can most certainly term him and not them. Although, you may end up losing the dcb anyway depending on how he & Mom handle it. Even if they had court orders, that has nothing to do with you ...You don't want someone in your home/place of business, that is your prerogative, as well as your right.

~Bottom line, make it clear to Mom & Dad that he is no longer allowed on your property- He is dangerous and you have many children in your care to think of. If he continues to come on your property, then I'd talk to the police/file a restraining order about what your next steps should be. Bottom line also, this is Mom & Dad's problem & issue to deal with ...Not yours. He is no longer allowed on your property and they can deal with that however they wish, but they must deal with it ...This is not on you to figure out. ~...I wish you the best!!

If these parents are divorced but have no legal custody/visitation papers yet, than he has 100% legal authority to fetch his child from daycare as his the mother does. I don't know if you can legally ban him from picking the child up. He is the parent and has legal custody. You could be charged with kidnapping if you refuse to allow him to pick up his child. This situation is a mess. I think you will need legal help to deal with this situation such as a restraining order like others mentioned.

I'm sorry you are going through this but remember, this is their life and their problem, not yours. If you have to terminate to keep your family safe, don't feel badly about it.

[Puddleduck]

I needed to make my mind up today about how to handle the situation and I decided to terminate care. I'm going to leave the spot open for a little while and the mother is going to start working on a custody arrangement. Once that part is done we can hopefully work out a way for me to provide care again without having to worry about the father. Thank you for your input everyone! It is appreciated.

I think you did the right thing.

[Pestle]

If somebody tried to get into my house (!) I would be calling 911 every time his car pulled into my driveway after that. Abusive partners are most likely to commit violence in the period after their victims separate from them. Keep this guy the hell away from you. (Can I swear here? I feel like this is a case where swearing is appropriate.)

I grew up with a low-functioning sociopath for a father. He would flip out, scream, threaten, storm out, slam doors, and skulk around where he didn't belong. He told my brother he'd commit suicide if my brother didn't continue seeing him after the divorce. He bought a gun and told my mother he was going to go to a convention and take out as many people as he could before they took him down. Behind the scenes was a horror; the public stuff was enough to tell people to steer clear. As a survivor of this, I'm asking you not to try to make things smooth for this family. Trying to avoid ruffling him was the worst thing my family and neighbors did; it enabled him to continue his behavior. There were only two times in my childhood that somebody made it clear through their actions that he shouldn't behave this way, and those two times had a tremendous impact on me. They affirmed what everyone else was denying: I was right to feel that this was not okay. Without that affirmation, I would have been more confused and unable to sort out the dissonance between what my conscience was telling me and what the people around me were telling me.

If this child and mother do end up having to leave your program because of the father and whatever happens with custody, that's too bad, but it'll be a strong message to the mother and kid that his behavior is unacceptable. That's all you have the power to do right now: Say "You are threatening me and I will not permit that."

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by Pestle

If somebody tried to get into my house (!) I would be calling 911 every time his car pulled into my driveway after that. Abusive partners are most likely to commit violence in the period after their victims separate from them. Keep this guy the hell away from you. (Can I swear here? I feel like this is a case where swearing is appropriate.)

I grew up with a low-functioning sociopath for a father. He would flip out, scream, threaten, storm out, slam doors, and skulk around where he didn't belong. He told my brother he'd commit suicide if my brother didn't continue seeing him after the divorce. He bought a gun and told my mother he was going to go to a convention and take out as many people as he could before they took him down. Behind the scenes was a horror; the public stuff was enough to tell people to steer clear. As a survivor of this, I'm asking you not to try to make things smooth for this family. Trying to avoid ruffling him was the worst thing my family and neighbors did; it enabled him to continue his behavior. There were only two times in my childhood that somebody made it clear through their actions that he shouldn't behave this way, and those two times had a tremendous impact on me. They affirmed what everyone else was denying: I was right to feel that this was not okay. Without that affirmation, I would have been more confused and unable to sort out the dissonance between what my conscience was telling me and what the people around me were telling me.

If this child and mother do end up having to leave your program because of the father and whatever happens with custody, that's too bad, but it'll be a strong message to the mother and kid that his behavior is unacceptable. That's all you have the power to do right now: Say "You are threatening me and I will not permit that."

This is EXCELLENT advice!!


Pestle:

Glad you are a stronger and wiser person now NOT because of what you endured but in spite of it.

Originally Posted by Pestle

(Can I swear here? I feel like this is a case where swearing is appropriate.)

If a word is not allowed, it will appear as *******
.....so you're good.

[Pestle]

Addendum: Apply the same logic you'd apply to a child who acts out. Every time you allow this guy onto your property, he's getting positive reinforcement of his behavior. He bullies and threatens because it's worked for him thus far.

[Pestle]

Originally Posted by Blackcat31

Pestle:

Glad you are a stronger and wiser person now NOT because of what you endured but in spite of it.

Kids are resilient little things, aren't they? I spent my adolescence and early adulthood processing, and now I'm okay. It was a journey from victim, to survivor, to somebody whose life was just different because of where it started. There's been so much time and so many choices and events since then, I no longer even feel like I can tell what parts of me were affected by the early years of abuse.

As care providers, I think one of the most important things we can do is help these little ones build good judgement skills and learn to set appropriate boundaries. Sometimes that means leading by example when we have to keep a parent off our property.

[hwichlaz]

This is going to vary by state...but where I am, I only have to allow parents entry if it's safe. He's not safe. I'd file for an RO.

Also, in my state....him cussing and slamming doors would mean that I had to file a unusual incident report with licensing and notify all parents.

[debbiedoeszip]

I'm also on team restraining order.

[DaveA]

You did the right thing. I'd bar him from my house also. Be prepared to lose the family over it regardless. To me it wouldn't be worth the hassle/ risk of dealing with his crap again. Work on finding a replacement enrollment. Yes it puts DCM in a spot, but you have other children and your own family to be concerned with.

[Ariana]

Oh gosh that sounds intense!! Bottom line you need to protect yourself. No family is worth your own safety and stress!

[Puddleduck]

You guys are amazing. Thank you for the words of support! In regards to licensing and laws, I'm in Canada and I'm legally unlicensed so there's no one to report to. The police said I don't have to let him in (if his child is here) as long as I call them to come deal with him.
Even though I've terminated care I'm actually still a bit on edge...We live in a small town (pop. 5000) and I'm so nervous about how he will react the next time we bump into each other. I don't think it's going to be pretty, especially after he finds out DCM is going to a lawyer to work out a custody arrangement. Will see what happens there and if it looks like things will keep escalating I'll fill the spot with another child and be done with it.

[Puddleduck]

The lawyer sent him a letter yesterday setting boundaries at home and with me. He sent me another threatening text last night after receiving it.

[Pestle]

Did you save/screenshot it? Are you going to get with the lawyer about it?

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by Puddleduck

The lawyer sent him a letter yesterday setting boundaries at home and with me. He sent me another threatening text last night after receiving it.

Oh my! Even after being warned?

It appears he is going to focus his anger on you.
That isn't something I'd take lightly either....

Please report it to not only the lawyer but to the police.

I don't care what state/country you live in, sending threatening text messages AFTER being provided boundaries has to have some sort of legal consequence.

I don't know if you can obtain an order for protection or restraining/harassment order in Canada like we can in the U.S. but I am hoping there is some sort of legal avenue available to you.

[JackandJill]

I would definitely let your lawyer know what is happening, save every text and interaction you can with DCD.

I would also file a complaint with the police dept every time he contacts you, and build a harassment case. I would also want to let the police know about his harassment and the fact that you are home alone with daycare kids all day. That way if you need to call them, they know to get there as quickly as possible!

[Pestle]

Originally Posted by JackandJill

I would definitely let your lawyer know what is happening, save every text and interaction you can with DCD.

I would also file a complaint with the police dept every time he contacts you, and build a harassment case. I would also want to let the police know about his harassment and the fact that you are home alone with daycare kids all day. That way if you need to call them, they know to get there as quickly as possible!

I'm luck to have a police officer DCD. But even if I didn't, I'd ask if they could just swing around--I'm sure your city/county officers would be happy to cruise past once or twice a day. Most bullies spend their time picking on little fish and go running when the big fish show up.

[childcaremom]

Originally Posted by Puddleduck

The lawyer sent him a letter yesterday setting boundaries at home and with me. He sent me another threatening text last night after receiving it.

Wow. That's unsettling.

I agree with the others. I would be in touch with your lawyer and the police.

Stay safe.

[Puddleduck]

I've decided to completely walk away from the situation. I had thought if boundaries were clear, if there was a real custody agreement, it would all work out and I could keep on caring for the little dude but I think if that happens, if the DCD thinks I "won" something, things will blow up completely. Even if I get an order of no trespassing he'll always be able to find us on outings or at the park. I'll never truly feel safe. I've sent the mom the names of other care providers in our town and I'm going to start looking to fill the spot. My heart is completely broken about this but I can't live in fear.

[JackandJill]

Originally Posted by Puddleduck

I've decided to completely walk away from the situation. I had thought if boundaries were clear, if there was a real custody agreement, it would all work out and I could keep on caring for the little dude but I think if that happens, if the DCD thinks I "won" something, things will blow up completely. Even if I get an order of no trespassing he'll always be able to find us on outings or at the park. I'll never truly feel safe. I've sent the mom the names of other care providers in our town and I'm going to start looking to fill the spot. My heart is completely broken about this but I can't live in fear.

I think you made the best decision possible!

[Rockgirl]

I also believe you did the right thing, as sad as it must be for you, dcb, and dcm.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

How sad for you and all involved. I hope that dad seeks mental help.

[Meeko]

DCD is obviously a control freak. You not being willing to be controlled pushes his buttons. Better off out of the situation.

[daycarediva]

I would have termed, too. I would be contacting the local police and start the ball rolling on a RO as well.

How SCARY for you, but DCB and DCM.