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  #1  
Old 05-25-2013, 11:20 AM
CONCERNED MOM
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Default Disciplining Children Violently

Hi all,
I wanted to get some opinions on a situation.

First, I am a very laid-back parent. I believe in spanking for big offenses but picking battles for small things. I usually do not make a huge deal about things.

My kids have been going to a daycare provider the last 2 years, part-time (just after school a couple days per week).
They have never really liked her, but I picked her BECAUSE she rules with a somewhat strong hand and know that this is what my kids need.
The first year has been great, no complaints. This year, things seem to have changed.

The provider's husband sometimes works at home. He seems like he's been a little uppity lately or on edge. I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but I have seen him snap at his child in front of mine and even at his wife. He's not quiet about it either, anyone in that house could hear.

I had them come to my house one day to help me with something, and my daughter was singing. She is who she is. It didn't bug me too much but the father yelled at her to stop. I just kind of looked at him and my dd left the room upset. Mind you, this was in MY house.

I got the impression maybe we should not have this person help us after all because he overreacted to us not being experienced in the project we were asking for as well as he seemed unconfident HE could even handle it, so I cancelled my request.

Over the weeks SINCE I have cancelled my request, I notice him getting more verbally abusive toward his wife and daughter. And I have noticed the provider getting more upset about little things. My dd forgets things sometimes, and happened to forget her eyewear the other day. The dcp flipped out about it and punished her. My dd is just 6 yo. I feel bad because hey, that's a tiny little thing. My dd can function W/O the glasses. Is it advised she do? NO but forgetting happens. We do try to remind her, but sometimes, she still forgets.

So my dd was placed away from the other kids and had to be in time out all day. (A little extreme for this offense, IMO)

Additionally, my kids told me that the husband freaked out and picked up and threw, hard, his son against the wall to the point the child was hurt pretty bad, which I could see when I went to get my kids, something was off.

My kids are now freaked out. As many spankings and crazy they have witnessed, they said they 've never seen anyone do what he did. They told me his eyes were angry and he just flipped!

My kids are requesting we find another daycare.

Is it my business how they discipline their kids since they did it in FRONT of my children or is that separate? WWYD? Take them out and find new care?

Any help is greatly appreciated! Thanks!
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  #2  
Old 05-25-2013, 11:38 AM
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Seems pretty obvious to me. Even if he is not laying a hand on your kids they should not be exposed to that. They are telling you that they do not feel safe based on what they see and hear. Even without them being physically harmed, the punishments and anger they are exposed to are excessive. Pull'em.
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Old 05-25-2013, 12:30 PM
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I would remove your children immediately, call licensing to report what you are seeing if this place is licensed (because the husband is apparentally around the daycare kids a lot) and then call CPS. report what you have seen and let them decide what to do next.
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Old 05-25-2013, 01:53 PM
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Just want to say how sorry I am that you family is going thru this and that I completely agree with the other posters... My children would not be returning and I would commend them on sharing with you a dangerous situation!
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Old 05-25-2013, 02:09 PM
CONCERNED MOM
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Thank you. My husband thought I was overreacting by removing them and reporting saying it wasn't my business since they weren't bothering OUR kids, but I say that is NOT ok for my kids to see that either. I have seen some dcp's hit their kids bottoms, and that never bothered me. I'm all for disciplining your kids as needed no matter who's around, but this was NOT discipline. When I report, you think they'll interview my kids or shall I just say my kids saw this happen and they would rather NOT interview (they are still friends with DCP's kids and I don't want retaliation)

I have arranged for some interviews to find other care and luckily, we dno't need any care the next 2 weeks anyway.
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Old 05-25-2013, 03:29 PM
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You are definitely doing the right thing by removing your children immediately and contacting licensing. Your children will probably be interviewed as well as other children in their care. Please report this, it does sound very serious.
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Old 05-25-2013, 03:56 PM
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throwing a child against a wall is child abuse and will get worse. YES you needed to report it. More people need to get involved when they see and hear things to save the children Thank you for reporting it

Putting a child in time out for an entire day is abuse and also needs to be reported.

You were smart to remove your children.
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Old 05-25-2013, 06:25 PM
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REMOVE YOUR CHILDREN IMMEDIATELY! Do not take them back.

Yesterday her threw his child, tomorrow it could be your child. Get them out of there.

Call CPS. This family needs intervention right now.

IMHO, you are not overreacting. This is a bad situation that needs intervention.

Your child should not be punished/disciplined for what did not happen at the provider's house. She overstepped her boundaries with that. Your child forgetting her glasses is between you and her, not the provider.
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Old 05-25-2013, 11:54 PM
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Default You aren't overreacting

These are red flags. Red flags have a purpose. It's to cause you enough discomfort to make a choice.

This man is dangerous, and his temper is a ticking time bomb. Nothing super dangerous has happened (yet) although he's lucky I'm not the mother of the child thrown against the wall....I'd castrate someone in their sleep for less.

Get your kids out of there. NOW.
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Old 05-26-2013, 05:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sharlan View Post
REMOVE YOUR CHILDREN IMMEDIATELY! Do not take them back.

Yesterday her threw his child, tomorrow it could be your child. Get them out of there.

Call CPS. This family needs intervention right now.

IMHO, you are not overreacting. This is a bad situation that needs intervention.

Your child should not be punished/disciplined for what did not happen at the provider's house. She overstepped her boundaries with that. Your child forgetting her glasses is between you and her, not the provider.
What she said ^ - it's perfect the way it is - no additions.
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Old 05-26-2013, 05:24 AM
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I would also say that you should remove the children as soon as possible because any such behavior with teh kids and its family is unacceptable. Don't take any more chance, just remove the kids.
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  #12  
Old 05-26-2013, 08:08 AM
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I showed my dh this thread and explained that I asked because I really just wanted to solidify my decision was right.

I found someone I think will be perfect! We're going to do a couple of interviews to make sure we are all comfortable in the next week since I got the time off, but so far I like her best out of the other 2 I interviewed yesterday. The ONLY problem is that she does not live in my kids' school district, but that's OK we can figure all that out later. For now, I'm needing summer care and she is looking forward to older kids.

As far as the report, I was given a case # and was told I can follow-up but that I would not get very much information so I won't know what really happens.

I really hope that things work out in favor of those kids.
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Old 05-26-2013, 08:27 AM
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While I feel terrible for the family, right now, it's your responsibility to get your kids out of that situation. There's probably a lot more going on that what your children already told you.

I'm glad you made the decision to move your kids immediately. If they have anything left there, just leave it, do not go back after it.
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Old 05-26-2013, 08:51 AM
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I forgot, I did pay her for the next 2 weeks. The kids didn't leave anything there, but she was paid on Thursday, before the incident happened Friday. Since I have taken this week off due to this, I don't have to worry about this week, but next week I do have to pay the new provider. If you were in my position, would you just let her keep the money to be done w/ her family?
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Old 05-26-2013, 01:33 PM
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I wouldn't even be asking this question. Someone who hits children need not be caring for them. This kind of behavior is unacceptable. Your children should not be hit at daycare, NOR should they be witnessing the provider or her husband hit any other kids, even if they ARE the parents.

Run away from there!
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Old 05-26-2013, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CONCERNED MOM View Post
I forgot, I did pay her for the next 2 weeks. The kids didn't leave anything there, but she was paid on Thursday, before the incident happened Friday. Since I have taken this week off due to this, I don't have to worry about this week, but next week I do have to pay the new provider. If you were in my position, would you just let her keep the money to be done w/ her family?
Do you have a notice clause in your contract with her? You have the right to remove your children but you might still owe her money.
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Old 05-26-2013, 06:08 PM
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Personally, I'd let her just keep the money if you can afford it. Be done with this provider.
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Old 05-29-2013, 10:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
Do you have a notice clause in your contract with her? You have the right to remove your children but you might still owe her money.
I dont think a clause would make a difference with abuse going on, its not a safe environment.....

However considering you already paid her, I dont think you will get it back, just walk away, and take the loss, even though it sucks, and you should get your money back.
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Old 05-29-2013, 01:40 PM
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You did the right thing!

About the money, if anything in the contract says you'd be entitled to a refund I'd write a letter asking for one, but if not just let it go. It stinks, but probably isn't worth the hassle.
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:06 AM
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Where we live, if a parent has a reasonable suspicion that their kids are not safe in the care they picked, contractual obligations to pay are null and void. It has to be able to be proven, which can be very sticky in a lot of cases.

However, I do feel that if she tried to fight me on it, I could easily have the 10 & 8 yo speak up (even the youngers could) to the judge and describe exactly what they saw and it would be an easy case.

That being said, I just let her keep the payment. I feel that asking for it back would be nothing but drama especially since I suspect she should be or has gotten a visit from the state. The case # I was given to punch into automated system simply says that the case is still open and being investigated, so I have no way of knowing whether or not anything will be done but what I DO know is that she'd KNOW it was me who reported because that day, she ONLY had our kids and one other dck (who is an infant). So, to keep my sanity and the peace, I just let it go.
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:14 AM
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That was probably a very wise decision.
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:17 AM
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I think by letting her keep the payment it gives more credit to the investigation. Sometimes parents place false complaints in order to avoid paying the final two weeks.

I agree you were not obligated to pay it under the cicumstances. I'm happy to hear you pulled your children quickly and reported it. I hope their family gets the help they need.
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Old 06-16-2013, 01:45 PM
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Sounds like the dad seriously needs some anger management classes.

I hope your new daycare works out much better! As far as the money, I would just let it go and not contact them again(considering you've already given your notice).
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Old 06-18-2013, 11:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CONCERNED MOM View Post
Where we live, if a parent has a reasonable suspicion that their kids are not safe in the care they picked, contractual obligations to pay are null and void. It has to be able to be proven, which can be very sticky in a lot of cases.

However, I do feel that if she tried to fight me on it, I could easily have the 10 & 8 yo speak up (even the youngers could) to the judge and describe exactly what they saw and it would be an easy case.

That being said, I just let her keep the payment. I feel that asking for it back would be nothing but drama especially since I suspect she should be or has gotten a visit from the state. The case # I was given to punch into automated system simply says that the case is still open and being investigated, so I have no way of knowing whether or not anything will be done but what I DO know is that she'd KNOW it was me who reported because that day, she ONLY had our kids and one other dck (who is an infant). So, to keep my sanity and the peace, I just let it go.
Do you think childrn would speak up against those fierce monsters who they fear so much? They are beaten up and they see violence each and everyday- I don't think they would have the courage to speak against them. If they had the courage then they would have informed their parents about it and they would have removed them from this daycare.
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Old 06-18-2013, 02:08 PM
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So my kids go to a smaller daycare now and so far like her a lot. The lady is a single older grandmother and keeps only her grandchildren, one other baby and now my kids.

Only my oldest says sometimes it's "boring" but she's always bored if she's not doing just what she wants.

So far, they've already went to the zoo, they went to a couple of stores, library, water park, regular park and are enjoying their summer.

There is NO yelling and screaming, my daughter said that it's kind of quiet and peaceful, except when baby cries. She is able to read a book without feeling like at any moment she'll be interrupted. My other kids feel she is much nicer.

The ONLY problem is that she's only summer care. I have yet to secure my school care at this time but we have a few weeks still.

I do not know what is going on with the investigation. I call the hotline and put in the # and it still says "PENDING" so I am hoping something is really being looked at.



As far as the last post, kimmills, I'm not sure I understand. My children ARE the daycare children. They WILL and did speak up and that is how I was alerted to what was going on and found other care. I don't think DCP's kids would talk, but they wouldn't need to. I'm actually quite sure that my kids will be interviewed fairly soon, since it is protocol here that all child care children in care at the time of complaint are to be interviewed. As to when, I don't know. The case is still 'pending'
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Old 07-28-2013, 09:10 PM
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Are there any updates on this? I hope it worked out well!!
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  #27  
Old 08-01-2013, 10:00 AM
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My oldest child was interviewed. It was pretty quick. She told the truth and IDK what's happened with the situation since. We have not heard any updates and I saw mom at a church event dropping off both the boy that the dad threw and their other child last month. Not sure what is going to happen, if anything.
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