So anyway

I have recently taken on a part time job @ the college, just to make ends meet for us as daycare income isn't cutting it. Hubby is CPR /First Aid Trained, Background Checked, and Drug Screened - he is really amazing with the kids, so he has agreed to take over the 2 days I work @ the college.

DKM contacts me today, she got a new job and wants to use my services again so I tell her no problem, DH will be here he can handle the DKG. SHe says "Does he watch kids without you often"? I said sometimes, and then explained all the background check stuff etc...... She asked me to call in my female assistant (whom I have to pay!) and I agreed to do so, in order to not lose the client. But what would you do?

Has anyone ever dealt with this type of thing?

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Yep, and I don't allow parents to dictate how I run my daycare. You may be getting her business but you are paying the lady you are calling in so is what your making really worth allowing a parent to run your business??

For me, if they wouldn't accept my husband watching their kid (if that's okay with licensing etc) then they aren't a good fit for my daycare.

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Basically what she's saying is she doesn't trust your husband. That would never fly here.

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I wouldn't take her or hire an assistant because I'd feel uncomfortable with the implication.

I have never dealt with it personally but my husband is my legal sub. I rarely use him except when I have a doctor's appointment but I have a form that says if I have to be away does the parent give their permission for him to watch them OR do they wish to find alternate care arrangements for that day. Over the years, I've only had 2 or 3 that said they would find other care on those days. Sometimes they change their mind though.

Laurel

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Yeah it does weird me out a little bit. DCM Insists it isn't "personal" and that the child's dad (of course they are divorced) was sexually and physically abusive to her when she was a baby, so she is more comfortable with only females watching her. So I get it, but no it isn't worth the money I have to pay my assistant to come over. I am doing it for today because mom had no other care arranged-but it won't last I don't think, as my husband is perfectly capable. State approves of him, and he is my legal substitute as well.

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Well then I get it but still.... Maybe if you really want to keep her you could pass the cost of the assistant on to her (probably unaffordable for her so she might change her mind) or she could hire the assistant to come to her house.

Laurel

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My SO is full time & we only had one parent say something. I explained his licensing requirements to her & added, "If you do not want a positive male role model in your child life, you are free to find care elsewhere. I would completely understand." She stayed & now loves the fact he is here for her son.

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My husband is also my assistant/sub. My contract states that if I provide a legal sub for any day that I am absent, and the parent chooses not to take advantage, then they must pay for that day either way. I have had a parent tell me they were not comfortable with my husband watching their daughter, and I simply told them to find alternative care.

I do get where she is coming from with the abuse etc, but as PP mentioned, having a positive male role model in that child's life will definitely be a positive experience.

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Everyone loves my husband and they know he is my emergency backup and they're ok with that... but I'm not sure how some of my families would react if he was to be alone with the kids a whole day....some people just assume women know how to handle kids more than men, perhaps due to their own experience with their husband

you have to evaluate your situation and make the decision to either pay your female assistant or possibly lose the child

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While I support males in the early childhood field 100%, there will always be those who simply aren't comfortable with males being the one in charge, changing diapers and doing what any provider does....

I can't speak for them, but I do know we've had this discussion on the board before and I am surprised at the number of members of this forum who stated they would NEVER leave their own child with a male caregiver.

I understand the stereotypes but in my opinion, they are just that ~ stereotypes.

OP~ I would let this mom know that you will not be making these types of changes and/or accommodations for her in the future and if she does not trust your DH, she will need to find alternate care arrangements.

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After the stated concern I would be uncomfortable leaving my husband alone with her child!! Feel like its just setting him up for possible life changing implications!

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My DH is my backup, emergency sub and I always let any potential family know that during interview. There is no way I would take on a family that was uncomfortable with my husband watching their child. I would let the family know you can't call in your assistant to basically provide one on on care to their child (I know she would be helping in other areas as well, but if she is not needed the sole purpose of having her there would be for that 1 child) unless they would like to cover the salary of your assistant for the times you don't need her but they want her there. Maybe that will make them see that him caring for her wouldn't be such a bad idea. If not, I would most likely term. No way I am paying an assistant to be there when not needed just to appease 1 family.

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Nope not even one time would I hire an assistant if I had someone to do it ( dh) she would need to pay the normal cost of the day PLUS the assistants wage including the employer taxes. or not come.

But I would not trust she would not make a claim now if my dh was ever in the room. too much of a risk.

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Agree exactly with this! I feel for the mom and child going through the abuse, but there is NO WAY I would ever allow that near my husband.

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I would escort any person who told me they didn't trust my husband to the door and would have to try very hard not to shove them as they left.

If they called...they would be told never to come back.

I once had someone come for interview and when she met my husband and son, she sneered "I have to admit I find it really creepy that men would do daycare".

I told her on the spot to get the **ll out of my house.

Funny thing is, she called a few days later and said she hadn't seen a better daycare and wanted to bring her child to us.

NOPE!

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The abuse part is awful. But the mom had GOT to make an effort to show her child that not ALL men are perverts. If not, she will end up with a completely paranoid child. That child WILL have to deal with male teachers/doctors/police officers etc. Teaching her that all men are to be feared is also a form of abuse in itself.

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That's actually all the more reason for her to give your husband a chance! She needs the assurance that not all men are like that and the sooner the healing starts the better. Otherwise she will think that it's normal for men to treat her like that and will seek relatioships similar to that when she's older. She will eventually need a possitive male influence in her life to break the cycle of abuse.

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My husband and I used to run my day home together. I had one parent let me know that she wasn't comfortable with that. When I asked her why she mentioned that she wasn't okay with a man caring for her daughter as he may touch her inappropriately. I simply told her to get a divorce then and keep her hubby away from all little girls, as by her standard he must be a pedophile by default being a male....while ushering her to the door. We did not have anyone in our day home that would even question such a thing.

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In a completely strange turn of events, the MANAGER - DCM's manager at work happens to be another (private) client of mine, DH and I keep her girls, together like family every week. She raved about DH being so trustworthy, great with kids etc. So DMC Calls me today, profusely apologizing and said she is OK with it- it just caught her off guard........ So DKG is now enrolled full time! win-win

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Earlier in a previous post, you said the DCM said it wasn't personal and that her feelings were based on her child's dad's past experiences. I get that but now suddenly a co-worker says nice things about you and your DH and suddenly it's ok?

I would still be really leary about this situation.

She may be ok with it now but the minute she has an issue, she will probably not be and that is when I would be worried about false accusations.

It just seems rather odd that she felt so strongly in the beginning but now that her manager says nice things, it's all good??

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I agree with this and she may have just changed her mind due to the pressure of not wanting to disagree with her manager, kwim?

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You are braver than I am. I would have told her the spots were full, even if they weren't. She's too much of a liability.

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Crazy thing is, I think she is OK now. BUt regardless, we are on a week trial with her.

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I deal with it all of the time. I had one woman on the phone tell me point blank since I was a guy she was sorry but she wasn't going to even bother meeting me in person. Seriously do not understand what gets into people that they feel they can make judgments without even meeting someone.

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I would not be comfortable leaving my daughter with a man, husband of provider or not. My own husband would not allow we another man to watch our daughters.unless a woman were present. That I add just how we are.

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Do you leave your husband alone with your daughter?

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Of course I leave my husband with my daughters. We are married, I know everything about him. He lives with us, he is their father. I t r just him because I know him and have known him for many years. I trust my daughterswiththeirgrandfathers and other men I know well. I would not leave my child with any provider I didn't get to know well.

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Kindle likes to make up words sometimes.

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If you look at the craziest of the crazy abusers, it's women.

Martha Alice "Mattie" Hageman (Sybil's Mom)
Casey Anthony
Andrea Yates

From the website, Safe Horizon a HIGHER PERCENTAGE of women abuse children than men.

http://www.safehorizon.org/index/wha...facts-304.html
Of the reports, 45.2% of the perpetrators were male and 53.6% were female.

I really don't like stereotypes. My husband, has passed the background & drug check... We are both solid, Church going Christians who live out our Faith in God, and live the Christian life, so if someone doesn't want my husband, fine they can find care elsewhere. What gets me is, being a man is bad. But people don't think twice about leaving their kids with an unknown female.

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I agree

I've rarely left my kids with ANY providers. My son has never been left with ANYONE other than two overnight stays at a very good friend of mines house. I used to nanny her kids a while back and they moved two hours away. She invited both of my kids to spend the night there twice since they moved. She is married now to the most wonderful man ever. He isn't her daughters dad though. I would trust this guy and gal before my own husband lol.

With me, although my children haven't ever stayed with an official male provider, I never made a decision based on sex. Just very few guys do daycare here.

My kids have had male teachers at school though, one in particular was AWESOME.

I'd have to agree there are very few lady providers I'd leave my kids with either. I had a couple of bad experiences when my daughter was very small and that's why our son has never been in anyone's care.

I think it's very unfair to say that sex of the provider should be a deal breaker. I think it should be their program, facility, etc that makes that decision,

But I've found here that there are a lot of providers who wouldn't leave their child with certain stereotypical things like males, people who drink a glass of wine outside of daycare, people who smoke outside of daycare, have piercings, tattoos etc.

It's actually quite sad that closed minded people are those who are spending 50 hours a week with kids trying to teach these kids to be open minded non judge mental members of society.

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I realize that woman can also be predators. I said I would not leave my children with anyone I didn't know well. Male or female. Yes, there is a stereotype against men caring for children. I guess as a whole, our society hasn't seen many male care givers, outside of fathers caring for their own children. Only one of my children have had a male teacher in the regular classroom. There just aren't too many men becoming elementary school teacher. That may start to turnaround in the next few generations. It seems we are more comfortable with woman taking on what used to be male dominated careers than we are seeing men take on typical female roles.

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I had similar when I worked as a Paramedic. Now, there are about as many female paramedics as there are males... back then it was a total boys club. And there are still some things, such as firefighting that are kind of a "boys club" but women should be able to do them if they are able... I had lots of patients who didn't want a "woman" paramedic, or female doctor. Now the medical field has made a drastic shift, you see plenty of murses (male nurses) and female doctors. As well as female paramedics & Firefighters.

The field of childcare should be no different, and in fact some places are embracing male caregivers. "Manny" is a new term popping up.

http://www.nannyreviews.com/guy-stuf...for-your-kids/

SOme things Men can do better than woman, that are helpful in childcare:

Lifting heavier children, or even handicapped children. What about kids who have no positive male model influence in their life?

What about "dirty play dates" with the boys? Mud wrestling, fixing cars, etc...

My best ever teacher, was my High School HIstory Teacher, a male. My best college instructor also a male (my math instructor)

In all kinds of fields you see other genders popping up. We now have lots of female cops, construction workers, foremen, welders, likewise we have male cosmetologists, nurses, teachers, and home health aides. We have female plumbers, carpenters, and even painters.........

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Yes, I totally agree with the male role models. Neither of the two families I care for, with a grand total of five children involved, have any male role models at ALL. Except my husband. The sibling set of 3's dad is in jail and the kids are girl age 2, girl age 3, and boy age 6. The other family set is boy age 3 months and girl almost 2. Neither of those have a male role model either.

To be honest, I don't leave my husband alone with the two youngest. Not that he can't care for kids, but the medically fragile child scares him a little with all the tubes and feeding pumps etc. and that's fine it's not an issue.

But when I sign up parents I explain that my husband is my partner, when he's home, which isn't often. If they give off a bad vibe, we talk about it. I've never had it be a deal breaker though.

And yes, my husband takes the bigger ones 3 wheeler riding, and fishing and boy type stuff. Not that I don't. It does give them a positive role model. They see him doing the dishes, helping me, parenting his own kids etc.

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I hope of works out for you-
Once someone shows a tendancy towards paranoid thinking (esp things like abuse!) I am out-

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I would never negotiate my subs with a client.

I homeschool my daughter and I have 3 subs (my mom, my dad, my husband) that help out almost daily. My families are all introduced to them and know that they provide back up care. Sometimes they watch kids while I am gone, sometimes they watch kids while I work in another room with my daughter.

I can understand the concern of having multiple caregivers and having male caregivers, but would never change my business to accommodate someone else's concerns. If they expressed concerned about my male subs, I would feel uncomfortable leaving the child alone with them. I would suggest that they find someplace else to go.

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no way- you just told that mom that whenever she has an issue with you, that you will bend over backwards just for her! I feel you just set yourself up with this client to just run you and your business the way that she wants. Should have told her no, he is my sub and has been through everything he needs to be able to be my sub legally. Then she could have found other care for her child for one day. You made her problems your problems.

Yikes-

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First I don't agree with how OP handled situation.....

but I don't think the mom is saying that all men are perverts, she just doesn't want that for her child. I kind of wonder if OP made it more of a choice and the parent went for it.

Abuse effects everyone differently. Until it happens to you, it is hard to understand the rational of the victims thinking. We can all say could have, should have, would have, this is what I would do. But... unless you have been through that and I believe the healing is different for several reasons, you can't really make a concrete answer to fix. I don't agree with teaching that all men abuse, but again unless you have been abused how you choose to handle life is individual and I don't think a concrete answer for everyone works. Many factors play into how a victim or parent of a victim copes- I also believe the coping cycles through much as a grieving does.

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glad it worked out-

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I know this is unfair to you Dave

but..... reality of it is that abuse is usually by someone known well. You don't know where that potential client was coming from in her walk of life to say that to you-

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Yeah but why bother saying it at all!

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So far everything has been great. She keeps apologizing, and just said she wasn't thinking when she made that demand. I have a long history, and have babysat her child since birth (she is now 2).......... It was out of character for her to be so paranoid............ but again we will see. The week is only begun

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