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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Battle Of Wills
ihop 12:02 PM 02-21-2014
Ill give a little background first. Dcg, almost 3, been with me four months. She rules the roost at home. She thinks the world revolves around her and everyone treats her that way. We have worked very hard to get her used to group care and thing were getting better. She is a no napper usually which just makes it worse and is disruptive. Parents just found out they are expecting. She doesn't know yet. The last couple weeks she has started to challenge every rule we have. She tells me she doesn't have to, cant, or just cries for mommy and daddy.
We have a rule that everyone needs to wear socks, especially her since she is always touching her feet and putting her hands in her mouth. Also the babies both like to try to eat socks.
The last couple of days she keeps taking her socks off. I ask her to find them and put them back on. Total meltdown ensues. I remove her from the group, bring the socks to her and ask her to calm down and put them back on. She just sits there, arms crossed, glaring at me. Sometimes screaming.Yesterday it took over a half hour to get her to put them on.
We went about our day and ignored her and finally she put them on and joined in.
Today the same thing. Except an hour later and she was still sitting there glaring with her socks at her side. Finally I had to let her up to have lunch but told her after nap she would be back in the spot until she put them on.
Am I handling this right? She is 100% challenging me and I don't intend to let her win. Its starting to wear on me.
We have a rule that everyone needs to wear socks, especially her since she is always touching her feet and putting her hands in her mouth. Also the babies both like to try to eat socks.
The last couple of days she keeps taking her socks off. I ask her to find them and put them back on. Total meltdown ensues. I remove her from the group, bring the socks to her and ask her to calm down and put them back on. She just sits there, arms crossed, glaring at me. Sometimes screaming.Yesterday it took over a half hour to get her to put them on.
We went about our day and ignored her and finally she put them on and joined in.
Today the same thing. Except an hour later and she was still sitting there glaring with her socks at her side. Finally I had to let her up to have lunch but told her after nap she would be back in the spot until she put them on.
Am I handling this right? She is 100% challenging me and I don't intend to let her win. Its starting to wear on me.
Msdunny 12:17 PM 02-21-2014
I think you are right on the money with how you are handling this. I might even go so far as to spontaneously come up with a really fun activity (that you have, of course, planned ahead of time just for this occasion!) that she is going to have to miss while she is sitting and stewing. Maybe something that the kids don't get to do often, like play-doh or a really fun craft activity.
Good luck, and stick to your guns! If you are like me, you are probably realizing you can be just as stubborn as a child, if the need arises! There are times when it is ok to give in but in cases of open defiance I always out-wait the child, if possible.
Good luck, and stick to your guns! If you are like me, you are probably realizing you can be just as stubborn as a child, if the need arises! There are times when it is ok to give in but in cases of open defiance I always out-wait the child, if possible.
ihop 12:24 PM 02-21-2014
Originally Posted by Msdunny:
I think you are right on the money with how you are handling this. I might even go so far as to spontaneously come up with a really fun activity (that you have, of course, planned ahead of time just for this occasion!) that she is going to have to miss while she is sitting and stewing. Maybe something that the kids don't get to do often, like play-doh or a really fun craft activity.
Good luck, and stick to your guns! If you are like me, you are probably realizing you can be just as stubborn as a child, if the need arises! There are times when it is ok to give in but in cases of open defiance I always out-wait the child, if possible.
oh yeah I was defiantly planning on breaking out the shaving cream 45 minutes before lunch I think you are right on the money with how you are handling this. I might even go so far as to spontaneously come up with a really fun activity (that you have, of course, planned ahead of time just for this occasion!) that she is going to have to miss while she is sitting and stewing. Maybe something that the kids don't get to do often, like play-doh or a really fun craft activity.
Good luck, and stick to your guns! If you are like me, you are probably realizing you can be just as stubborn as a child, if the need arises! There are times when it is ok to give in but in cases of open defiance I always out-wait the child, if possible.
(way too much clean up but worth it
Her mouth dropped open and she said but I wannnnnnnaaaaaaaa play.
Then went back to arms crossed.
I just keep repeating to myself.
"this matters" "I. Will. Win"
MarinaVanessa 12:25 PM 02-21-2014
I think you're doing just fine. Just keep at it otherwise she will win.
"I need you to wear socks. You can sit here in the chair or put them back on and play." and then just walk away.
"I need you to wear socks. You can sit here in the chair or put them back on and play." and then just walk away.
Oss_cc 12:46 PM 02-21-2014
Good luck! I think you're doing great. It's tough when home life has zero rules and it's on you as the DCP to give structure and discipline.
ihop 03:43 PM 02-21-2014
I won
blandino 04:00 PM 02-21-2014
My mantra when kids do that is "I WILL win, every time". To me, if they see a weakness, if you were to let her get up without putting the socks on, then she knows she can win and it will increase her bad behavior.
_Dana_ 07:53 AM 02-22-2014
Originally Posted by ihop:
I won
Way to go!!! I won
Leigh 05:59 PM 02-22-2014
I'd put that little girl in tights as soon as she comes in the front door.
EntropyControlSpecialist 12:40 PM 02-23-2014
Originally Posted by Leigh:
I'd put that little girl in tights as soon as she comes in the front door.
LOL I'd put that little girl in tights as soon as she comes in the front door.
Unregistered 09:01 PM 02-23-2014
I fail to understand what you are celebrating . You got your way against a toddler. It really shouldn't be a battle of wills, she is a young child. Maybe you could pay less attention to what she isn't doing and compliment her when she is following rules. Children that age are trying to establish their own identity. Instead of fighting with her, you could try to sympathise. I know many of you are with this poster on this one, but I don`t get this way of thinking.
ihop 08:17 AM 02-24-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I fail to understand what you are celebrating . You got your way against a toddler. It really shouldn't be a battle of wills, she is a young child. Maybe you could pay less attention to what she isn't doing and compliment her when she is following rules. Children that age are trying to establish their own identity. Instead of fighting with her, you could try to sympathise. I know many of you are with this poster on this one, but I don`t get this way of thinking.
IM celebrating teaching her the very important lesson of who is in charge. Teaching her to respect her elders and that rules are made for safety and to be followed. These children get praise and encouragement at every turn but like anyone, they like to test the boundaries. And as the adult, it is my job to help stay within her boundaries.I fail to understand what you are celebrating . You got your way against a toddler. It really shouldn't be a battle of wills, she is a young child. Maybe you could pay less attention to what she isn't doing and compliment her when she is following rules. Children that age are trying to establish their own identity. Instead of fighting with her, you could try to sympathise. I know many of you are with this poster on this one, but I don`t get this way of thinking.
If I only addresses the positive things a child does my day would be crazy. Ignoring sally hitting and stepping on people but praising her for cleaning up. I can only imagine how that would help her establish her identity.
Tdhmom 08:23 AM 02-24-2014
Originally Posted by ihop:
IM celebrating teaching her the very important lesson of who is in charge. Teaching her to respect her elders and that rules are made for safety and to be followed. These children get praise and encouragement at every turn but like anyone, they like to test the boundaries. And as the adult, it is my job to help stay within her boundaries.
If I only addresses the positive things a child does my day would be crazy. Ignoring sally hitting and stepping on people but praising her for cleaning up. I can only imagine how that would help her establish her identity.
IM celebrating teaching her the very important lesson of who is in charge. Teaching her to respect her elders and that rules are made for safety and to be followed. These children get praise and encouragement at every turn but like anyone, they like to test the boundaries. And as the adult, it is my job to help stay within her boundaries.
If I only addresses the positive things a child does my day would be crazy. Ignoring sally hitting and stepping on people but praising her for cleaning up. I can only imagine how that would help her establish her identity.
Blackcat31 08:38 AM 02-24-2014
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I fail to understand what you are celebrating . You got your way against a toddler. It really shouldn't be a battle of wills, she is a young child. Maybe you could pay less attention to what she isn't doing and compliment her when she is following rules. Children that age are trying to establish their own identity. Instead of fighting with her, you could try to sympathise. I know many of you are with this poster on this one, but I don`t get this way of thinking.
This line of thinking ^^^ is exactly why there is an issue in the first place. I fail to understand what you are celebrating . You got your way against a toddler. It really shouldn't be a battle of wills, she is a young child. Maybe you could pay less attention to what she isn't doing and compliment her when she is following rules. Children that age are trying to establish their own identity. Instead of fighting with her, you could try to sympathise. I know many of you are with this poster on this one, but I don`t get this way of thinking.
Somewhere along the line, this little gal was taught that she is the one who gets to make the rules.
Someone probably spent an awful lot of time praising her for expected behavior and making such a huge deal out of doing what she is suppose to be doing that she learned that SHE is the one in charge and the one who gets to decide what rules (if any to follow).
When my toddlers don't follow the rules or do something they aren't suppose to do, I certainly don't sympathize with them. Well, I guess I do sympathize with them about having to do something they don't want to do but it doesn't change my expectation that they will ultimately follow the rule and comply.
Establishing your own identity includes learning how to follow rules and comply with what you are suppose to be doing.
Focusing solely on what she IS doing verses the things she isn't doing is akin to burying your head in the sand and deflecting from the hard work of teaching a child.
I agree that we should celebrate the successes but along with that comes the discipline and guidance necessary that creates the framework for future success at following the rules society has.
ihop 09:06 AM 02-24-2014
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
This line of thinking ^^^ is exactly why there is an issue in the first place.
Somewhere along the line, this little gal was taught that she is the one who gets to make the rules.
Someone probably spent an awful lot of time praising her for expected behavior and making such a huge deal out of doing what she is suppose to be doing that she learned that SHE is the one in charge and the one who gets to decide what rules (if any to follow).
When my toddlers don't follow the rules or do something they aren't suppose to do, I certainly don't sympathize with them. Well, I guess I do sympathize with them about having to do something they don't want to do but it doesn't change my expectation that they will ultimately follow the rule and comply.
Establishing your own identity includes learning how to follow rules and comply with what you are suppose to be doing.
Focusing solely on what she IS doing verses the things she isn't doing is akin to burying your head in the sand and deflecting from the hard work of teaching a child.
I agree that we should celebrate the successes but along with that comes the discipline and guidance necessary that creates the framework for future success at following the rules society has.
This line of thinking ^^^ is exactly why there is an issue in the first place.
Somewhere along the line, this little gal was taught that she is the one who gets to make the rules.
Someone probably spent an awful lot of time praising her for expected behavior and making such a huge deal out of doing what she is suppose to be doing that she learned that SHE is the one in charge and the one who gets to decide what rules (if any to follow).
When my toddlers don't follow the rules or do something they aren't suppose to do, I certainly don't sympathize with them. Well, I guess I do sympathize with them about having to do something they don't want to do but it doesn't change my expectation that they will ultimately follow the rule and comply.
Establishing your own identity includes learning how to follow rules and comply with what you are suppose to be doing.
Focusing solely on what she IS doing verses the things she isn't doing is akin to burying your head in the sand and deflecting from the hard work of teaching a child.
I agree that we should celebrate the successes but along with that comes the discipline and guidance necessary that creates the framework for future success at following the rules society has.
Christina72684 09:17 AM 02-24-2014
I was going to post the same type of question just this morning!
I have a 3.5 year old boy (the rest of my preschoolers are girls) and he is so stubborn. We all take off our shoes here. I don't care if you walked out in the snow and mud, or were carried in, you take off your shoes and put them with your coat in your cubby. He always tries to run around in his boots or light up shoes and thinks it's funny when I tell him to take them off or attempt to walk towards him and he runs away. Sometimes I tell him I'll give him a sticker (we have a chart) if he takes them off, but I don't think that's fair since the other kids are good and take theirs off with no problem.
Not sure how to handle this situation since it's just first thing in the morning and not throughout the day.
I have a 3.5 year old boy (the rest of my preschoolers are girls) and he is so stubborn. We all take off our shoes here. I don't care if you walked out in the snow and mud, or were carried in, you take off your shoes and put them with your coat in your cubby. He always tries to run around in his boots or light up shoes and thinks it's funny when I tell him to take them off or attempt to walk towards him and he runs away. Sometimes I tell him I'll give him a sticker (we have a chart) if he takes them off, but I don't think that's fair since the other kids are good and take theirs off with no problem.
Not sure how to handle this situation since it's just first thing in the morning and not throughout the day.
Solandia 09:39 AM 02-24-2014
I am going to disagree with the majority here. I do not feel it is appropriate to separate and put a child in what is essentially a time out (aka "stay in that spot until you put on your socks!") for an hour+ at a time.
There are other ways to "win" without creating a battle of the wills, because it is silly to do. As an adult, we must think of the end result if "x" doesn't happen. Is the child going to sit in that spot all day? That is not ok in a childcare setting, even in a home setting I would side eye that.
Socks are so not a thing for me, so I would just take the socks away & be done with it. But since you want socks on, then the choice is to to socks on herself, or I do it. The option of sitting in a spot all day staring at the socks, isn't one of the available options. Same with picking up toys. Everyone helps. Occasionally there will be a holdout. I will leave some toys for the holdout to pick up, if he doesn't, then he doesn't get to participate in the next (fun) activity.Or if it was naptinme, it doesn't stop naptime from happening. But to sit & stare at the toys all day isn't the option.
My daycare dad would do the the battle with shoes on at night. Ticked me off. No, dcg doesn't get to sit in my entryway until you force her to put on her shoes herself. The option is either she is a big girl & does it herself, or dad does. Don't make my entryway some battle of the wills, you can do that elsewhere.
ONe of my bio kids (now a wonderful 14yo), was the ultimate in stubborn. I learned how to avoid battle of the wills when she was around 7/8yoyo? After an epic battle of needing to "win" that lasted hours over something dumb that had to be won. It was ridiculous, and honestly, borderline abusive. But it was essentially the same type of scenario in the first post...if you do x, you can get up from that spot. Yeah, I "won", but is was bittersweet and learn a hard lesson in choosing a hill to die on...or not.
There are other ways to "win" without creating a battle of the wills, because it is silly to do. As an adult, we must think of the end result if "x" doesn't happen. Is the child going to sit in that spot all day? That is not ok in a childcare setting, even in a home setting I would side eye that.
Socks are so not a thing for me, so I would just take the socks away & be done with it. But since you want socks on, then the choice is to to socks on herself, or I do it. The option of sitting in a spot all day staring at the socks, isn't one of the available options. Same with picking up toys. Everyone helps. Occasionally there will be a holdout. I will leave some toys for the holdout to pick up, if he doesn't, then he doesn't get to participate in the next (fun) activity.Or if it was naptinme, it doesn't stop naptime from happening. But to sit & stare at the toys all day isn't the option.
My daycare dad would do the the battle with shoes on at night. Ticked me off. No, dcg doesn't get to sit in my entryway until you force her to put on her shoes herself. The option is either she is a big girl & does it herself, or dad does. Don't make my entryway some battle of the wills, you can do that elsewhere.
ONe of my bio kids (now a wonderful 14yo), was the ultimate in stubborn. I learned how to avoid battle of the wills when she was around 7/8yoyo? After an epic battle of needing to "win" that lasted hours over something dumb that had to be won. It was ridiculous, and honestly, borderline abusive. But it was essentially the same type of scenario in the first post...if you do x, you can get up from that spot. Yeah, I "won", but is was bittersweet and learn a hard lesson in choosing a hill to die on...or not.
ihop 09:54 AM 02-24-2014
I am happy to report that when she began to remove her sock again today, I reminded her that we wear socks at daycare and asked her to put it back on. She did it immediately and then went to play.
daycarediva 10:01 AM 02-24-2014
Originally Posted by Christina72684:
I was going to post the same type of question just this morning!
I have a 3.5 year old boy (the rest of my preschoolers are girls) and he is so stubborn. We all take off our shoes here. I don't care if you walked out in the snow and mud, or were carried in, you take off your shoes and put them with your coat in your cubby. He always tries to run around in his boots or light up shoes and thinks it's funny when I tell him to take them off or attempt to walk towards him and he runs away. Sometimes I tell him I'll give him a sticker (we have a chart) if he takes them off, but I don't think that's fair since the other kids are good and take theirs off with no problem.
Not sure how to handle this situation since it's just first thing in the morning and not throughout the day.
Can you meet him at the door, take his hand and guide him to wear he needs to put his shoes, while telling him "As soon as your shoes are off, you can come play." I would even tell a parent in this instance "We are working on little Joey following the no shoe rule, maybe you can make sure he takes them off when he comes in tomorrow?" I was going to post the same type of question just this morning!
I have a 3.5 year old boy (the rest of my preschoolers are girls) and he is so stubborn. We all take off our shoes here. I don't care if you walked out in the snow and mud, or were carried in, you take off your shoes and put them with your coat in your cubby. He always tries to run around in his boots or light up shoes and thinks it's funny when I tell him to take them off or attempt to walk towards him and he runs away. Sometimes I tell him I'll give him a sticker (we have a chart) if he takes them off, but I don't think that's fair since the other kids are good and take theirs off with no problem.
Not sure how to handle this situation since it's just first thing in the morning and not throughout the day.
I'm not sure what your set up/lay out is, but I would nip that in the bud fast.
Originally Posted by ihop:
I am happy to report that when she began to remove her sock again today, I reminded her that we wear socks at daycare and asked her to put it back on. She did it immediately and then went to play.
I am happy to report that when she began to remove her sock again today, I reminded her that we wear socks at daycare and asked her to put it back on. She did it immediately and then went to play.
ColorfulSunburst 10:15 AM 02-24-2014
Originally Posted by ihop:
I am happy to report that when she began to remove her sock again today, I reminded her that we wear socks at daycare and asked her to put it back on. She did it immediately and then went to play.
good!!!I am happy to report that when she began to remove her sock again today, I reminded her that we wear socks at daycare and asked her to put it back on. She did it immediately and then went to play.
If her parents want to live by her rules it doesn't mean you have to do the same.
Christina72684 10:23 AM 02-24-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
Can you meet him at the door, take his hand and guide him to wear he needs to put his shoes, while telling him "As soon as your shoes are off, you can come play." I would even tell a parent in this instance "We are working on little Joey following the no shoe rule, maybe you can make sure he takes them off when he comes in tomorrow?"
I'm not sure what your set up/lay out is, but I would nip that in the bud fast.
Can you meet him at the door, take his hand and guide him to wear he needs to put his shoes, while telling him "As soon as your shoes are off, you can come play." I would even tell a parent in this instance "We are working on little Joey following the no shoe rule, maybe you can make sure he takes them off when he comes in tomorrow?"
I'm not sure what your set up/lay out is, but I would nip that in the bud fast.
We have an open concept with the cubby area to the right. As soon as Mom or Dad put him down he bolts all around playing with stuff or just running. They tell him to take his shoes off too, but he rarely listens. I tell him he can't play with toys until they come off, but usually he either ignores me or melts down. Not sure why either because once he gets them off he's fine, it's just getting it done.