I have a child that will be 3 yrs old in a month and I've been frustrated with his behavior. I believe its attention seeking but lately concerned it maybe more of a social/emotional behavior issue.

The children I care for are ages 2-4 and I have help so we provide a 1:4 ratio.

Examples of his social/emotional actions that cause concern/frustration:
He growls/hisses and chases around other children even when they ask him to stop. I will hear the other children whimper "please stop. I don't like that" and he doesn't stop until I step in.
He's physically bigger than the other children and will walk by and step on another child's hand, shoulder bump another child, use trucks to ram into other children playing with cars/trucks, kick his foot out at a child on the top of a play structure while that child is trying to climb up, lay his body on top of other children, and run across the room just to kick a Lego/Magna-tile/wood block structure another child has built. Amazingly every incident has been minor and the other children have not been injured so his behavior is not what I would consider terminating based on my Gross Misconduct policy.

Consequences: If he misused the toy to throw, kick, or run over another child, then he no longer get to use that toy for the rest of the day and is reminded of the other items/activities he can use. If he physically tries to hurt another child he gets placed in thinking time to "calm his body".

He still only parallel plays with the other children and hasn't crossed over to interactive play so I've been working with him on using his words to get another child's attention instead of hissing/growling at them and helping him join the other children who are playing together.

I find myself frustrated because he continues to push boundaries and I'm not sure if I am just not providing enough positive attention or if this is cause for a more serious behavioral concern.

I've been communicating with parents for 2 months now regarding his behavior and they're preoccupied right now with buying/selling/moving. Acknowledged they haven't given him much attention so they're blaming it on that.

We have a parent/teacher conference next week and I really don't want to have to terminate care.

Help! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Reply

Well since you don't want to term, I would write up a probation notice saying what needs changed and how long you are giving it before you revisit the issue.

The parents making excuses is NOT okay and you need to tell them that. It sounds like they need a reminder that regardless of what else is happening, they are still parents.

You may have to term if this continues, because the safety of the group is in play here. But you can take steps to try to avoid it.

Reply

Hello ,

I know you have mentioned that you have been trying to get him to use his words. My thinking is his lashing out at the other kids is due to the frustration that he does not know how to communicate correctly that he wants to play. I have heard that giving kids that age the words might help, both visually and verbally. This may be something you have already done, but just in case you have not done this, I would give this a try. Maybe create some picture cards for him that have questions like "Can I play with you please?" , and "Would you like to play with me?" The picture cards can also feature sentences like "I want to play with .... (toy name)" , "I am hungry", "I miss mom" , and "I am tired". You can also create picture cards with feelings listed on them, and when his folks leave, you can ask him to pick how he is feeling today. With the other kids in your care, you can teach them how to respond to the card he gives them.

The reason why I titled my post "This is a guess only" is because when I read your post, it sounds like he has autism. I am definitely not a psychologist, just a big sister who has a little sister that has autism. She used to push kids on the playground when she was his age, and now, twenty years later, she is high functioning and doing well . His parents need to get involved though. Look up the number for the early intervention specialist where you live, and urge them to at least have that specialist see him and observe his behavior.

When you have the conference with them next week, give them the information. Explain to them that they need to come up with a plan to help him. Tell them that you are willing to work with them, but explain that you need them to be on board. Explain to them (in words that I think someone else can phrase better )that they need to learn how to balance taking care of their house, and taking care of their son, because right now, their son has been put on the back burner in priorities.

One last thing I should mention. Even if he is not officially diagnosed with autism, I would have them read the book, More than words by Fern Sussman. It has detailed information on the four stages of autism, and the activities that correlate with the stages parents can use to help their kids . It helped my mom and dad when my sister was non verbal.

Sending tons of good luck your way hope next week turns out better for everyone

Reply

Mandy, Thank you for your insight and suggested reading. His verbal skills are actually really good. He doesn't seem to so any empathy when he's hurt any of his friends though. And he only gets upset when he's realized he's lost a toy privilege for the day. I was concerned it could be a behavior issue that would require a specialist but I want to tread very carefully when broaching the subject with his parents.

Reply

ThriftyLady, I agree. If his behavior doesn't improve I will have to term. I just really feel like its my part to help him develop better social skills. If he doesn't learn in my environment with low ratios, then I'm afraid it will get harder if I term and his parents have to place him in a large daycare/preschool. So torn here...

Reply

Janet Lansbury's blog on RIE practices could be very helpful here. For me, I would say "I will not allow you to hurt other children" and physically stop him from doing so- before hand as best you can. I would make him choose a new place to play when he has bothered another child's play in one area. At his age, I wouldn't take that area/toy away for the day. I would set expectations ahead of time in every place he goes (ex: "I see you are coming to the cars, the cars are going to be kept on the rug. Make sure to keep the cars on the rug.")
Is he possibly testing you? Have you been inconsistent in setting boundries? Even if you haven't been inconsistent, he could be continuing to test simply because that is his developmental stage. Maybe his parents are inconsistent. Maybe he really needs secure consistency. Maybe if you write yourself a very detailed specific plan so you always remember and do the same responses every time, that could help. For ex: 1. set expectation for each area when he gets there. 2. when one infraction happens, tell him he will have to choose another area to play if he does that again. 3. second infraction, I will tell him he has to choose a new place to play and give him options ("johnathan, you threw a car again, I will not allow you to hurt others, you will now have to leave this area, you can choose the coloring station or the sand... choose one" (wait for him to choose) if no movement, I will say, "you can move your self away, or i can help you... i will carry you now..." carry a few steps away). 4. allow back within a few minutes to try again- the whole point is perhaps to keep testing you until its definite what you will do, so let him test until he gets it. If the chance is gone for the day, that test is kinda gone too- though certainly, he will come up with more testing ideas!
good luck!

Reply

I had this child enrolled for 3 days earlier this year. Obviously, not the same child but the behaviors are eerily similar. I'm not sure what was going on but it was not typical behavior. I gently suggested that he was not ready and had them term themselves because I didn't want to risk my other families leaving.

I hope you can figure it out, but it seems like you're going to need to involve your local early childhood intervention program in this.

Reply

Hi,
I would say what concerns me the most is the lack of interactive play, and no empathy. I would see if his parents are willing to have him evaluated. I noticed you are located in CA(I am too) we have so many amazing services available if the child has been tested. They will even send a behavior therapist for up to 30 hours a week, she/he will work with the child 1:1, and help him integrate himself into the group dynamic. I have worked with 3/4 separate therapist over the years, it has been a wonderful exp every time. I am not sure how long you have been a dcp, or working with children but if your gut is telling you that this isn't normal behavior I would def approach the parent, and ask for help.

Reply

It really is normal, at under 3 years, to have parallel play and little empathy. But, there is no harm in getting an evaluation if the parents want to. It is up to them.

http://www.pbs.org/parents/childdeve...nalgrowth.html

Reply

I agree with the probation letter and getting him assessed by a developmental pediatrician for any delays or neurological issues as part of that probation.

This is NOT normal behavior. We had a child like this in the center where I used to work and he was extremely violent. Would simply walk across the room and slam somebody with a book. The thing is, that kid was 5 and was around 80 pounds. He had already been kicked out of 3 daycare's at that point and we also had to term him. I am not sure why the parents were not getting him help or if they were trying or what as he wasn't in my group and I wasn't dealing directly with the parents. The child you have is only 3 so to me this is a dire situation that needs to be addressed IMMEDIATELY. Once a child like this reaches older and older ages and gets bigger and bigger this will no longer be something that other kids can tolerate, or should tolerate. There is something going on here. The earlier you can get this addressed the better the outcome for this child.

Reply

The main issue here is deliberately hurting other children and walking away. That behavior is not normal.

Reply

Its been a few weeks since the parent teacher conference and a few more conversations with the parents since. The result, the parents feel like their child's behavior is typical. Their move is complete and they have been giving their child more attention and talking a lot about appropriate behavior and what isn't acceptable.

Today, I had to give a verbal warning to mom because he hurt another child (unprovoked).

I am so torn about this situation because I really am concerned that the behaviors this child is exhibiting isn't typical for a 2/3 year old. I am at a lost on how to help the child.

After my verbal warning today, how much time or how many more incidents until I term?

Reply

I did not chime in last time and I don't like when these threads suggest terming as a solution so quickly but, if the parents are unwilling to truly partner with you what are you to do? Regardless of if the parents feel their child's behavior is typical you don't and you are the one responsible for all of the kids each day. The parents sadly are putting you in a corner leaving you little choice than to tell them he is not ready for your program at this point.

An unregistered user quoted a teacher I studied RIE under and the example she used above would likely work well with any child including this one but would require 98% consistency min., which can be tough with most home-based ratios unless really small (the best I have seen RIE practiced with his developmental level is with a 4:1 ratio). I am not sure how realistic that is in your set up and I am not judging that at all.

Maybe start putting feelers out to replace his spot......?

I feel it is sad when parents won't partner with their provider. Sometimes they seem to forget we are actually on the same team.

Reply

This is one of those times where I feel really bad...for all the OTHER kids in your care.

It makes me sad that months are going by and he's deliberately hurting other children.

Maybe I'm too old fashioned, but I don't think I'd spend months trying to help one child at the expense of all the others. Especially when I was the only one making an effort.

Reply

I agree that I wouldn't allow other children to be endangered by this boy. However, the whole point of RIE was for group care from when Emmi Pickler was working with infants in care. And RIE is for ages 0-2 (infant toddler) and most licensing for infant toddler regulations is at least a 1:4 ratio (my point being you would almost always have at least the 1:4 you mentioned).

I would say RIE principles are absolutely used successfully in any infant toddler care situation regardless of whether parents partner with caregiver or not and whatever your ratio is. It's a philosophy of care that is directly influenced by child development and observing children, following what the children need.

As caregivers WE must be consistent regardless of what parents do. And the children really do adjust their behaviors based on what they learn are OUR expectations because of our consistency and our relationship with the child regardless of what they have with a parent (where they will test and test because they don't have consistency or perhaps don't have respect).

Although RIE was created for infant toddler group care, the principles are actually applicable throughout childhood years and to all people in certain ways. It's about respect and communication really.

All that said, if it's a dangerous situation (kids getting hurt by him), end care. Yes, I believe in following best practices and always will to the best of my ability but that doesn't mean I don't decide when something is a dangerous situation and change it- it actually means the opposite. We make it safe. By teaching the child social expectations, placing a physical barrier (your body stopping him or he is separated by a gate), or we end care.

Reply

I would write up a probationary period notice. Outline violations, if they occur within X time frame, they will need to seek other care.

Reply

I would implement a behavior plan now.

In mine I outline what needs to be corrected in list format, the consequences of those things continuing (1 strike and a 1 day suspension or 3 strikes and a 1 day suspension are ones I have both used - after the suspension it is 1 strike and then a termination of contract occurs), and place the responsibility of instilling proper values and disciplining on the parents because of our limited disciplinary options here. I say we do not wish to terminate the arrangement and look forward to assisting them in raising a happy and well adjusted child. I implement this after having several conversations and things not changing with a child, usually. Unfortunately, it almost always ends in a termination because the parent doesn't take me seriously until they are handed this paper OR strike 1 has occurred.

Reply

Thank you all for you input. It is truly appreciated. If nothing else but just to be heard...

Unregistered Guest, I provide a 1:4 ratio and have implemented RIE principals with no luck. Mom says she has spoken to the child's doctor and has been reassured it is typical behavior for a child of his age and that he sounds like he's just an active child.

If that's the case, then I need more training/education in child development and this child has just outgrown my facility.

Again, thank you for taking the time to respond.

Reply