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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Advice: Not Paying Mortgage
laceylmm 10:48 AM 03-10-2014
So I just checked the mail and we owe $1900 on our mortgage. Our payment is $650 a month. We have a 60 day past due amount...so are under foreclosure review. Husband hasn't been paying it...obviously. Or when he does he only puts like $200-300 on it. Or tells me ya I paid on it, but is careful to never say he paid it all. When I get upset over the mortgage he tells me to put money on it if I don't like how he is doing it. He brings home 900-1200 every two weeks. He pays cell phone, cable and mortgage. I pay food, internet, water, electric, house phone, plus majority of extras for the kids.
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LadyPearl 10:55 AM 03-10-2014
I assume you must have separate checking accounts???

You could at least see what is being paid if there was a joint acct. Or what if he transferred money to you each week/month and you pay all the bills?
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laceylmm 10:57 AM 03-10-2014
Yup. Last time we had a joint savings account (years ago) he took all my money and bought new tires.
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butterfly 10:58 AM 03-10-2014
Yikes!

Best thing my husband and I ever did was go through Fiancial Peace University. We learned to work together on our finances - and everything else for that matter...
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Heidi 10:58 AM 03-10-2014
Wow!

I'm so sorry!

I think you need to arrange for someone to take care of your kids for a couple hours tonight, take your dh somewhere private, and confront him. Then, you need to say something like "how are WE going to fix this?"

It's time to open the books. You need to have all paychecks direct deposited to your joint account, and sit down TOGETHER and pay the bills each month. Call your bank, and make an appointment, for opening a new account, setting up a payment plan, and direct deposit (the mortgage loan officer will help you with this). I wouldn't throw DH under the bus, though. I'd go with there was a miscommunication between you two, and you'd like to fix this. So, you would like to work together with the bank to catch up the mortgage. Believe me, they DON'T want your house back, and they will normally work with you.

So..begs the question, where IS the money going? I'm sure you're wondering that yourself.
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laceylmm 11:02 AM 03-10-2014
Protein supplements, shoes, eating out while he is at work??? He occasionally does give me $200 for electric because all I pay is stretched kind of thin. But he should still have plenty of money to pay what he needs to pay.
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melilley 11:05 AM 03-10-2014
Originally Posted by Heidi:
Wow!

I'm so sorry!

I think you need to arrange for someone to take care of your kids for a couple hours tonight, take your dh somewhere private, and confront him. Then, you need to say something like "how are WE going to fix this?"

It's time to open the books. You need to have all paychecks direct deposited to your joint account, and sit down TOGETHER and pay the bills each month. Call your bank, and make an appointment, for opening a new account, setting up a payment plan, and direct deposit (the mortgage loan officer will help you with this). I wouldn't throw DH under the bus, though. I'd go with there was a miscommunication between you two, and you'd like to fix this. So, you would like to work together with the bank to catch up the mortgage. Believe me, they DON'T want your house back, and they will normally work with you.

So..begs the question, where IS the money going? I'm sure you're wondering that yourself.
There is usually an auto pay option. This is what we do and then if we want to pay extra, we just go to the bank.
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melilley 11:07 AM 03-10-2014
Oh, wow. So sorry this is happening!

I would make sure the mortgage payment is set up to automatically come out of the account..I bet he would make sure the money is in there then!
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llpa 11:10 AM 03-10-2014
Awww that stinks. I am sorry you are going through this! I also think the two of you need to have a sit down & he needs to commit to the mortgage being a priority. My hubby and I both traveled for work and had separate checking accts and each of us paid certain bills just like you both do. Even now we do this and it works, but only if each knows the importance of not misleading the other partner. Heidi is right... The bank would rather see you work it out. Good luck with this and
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Margarete 11:11 AM 03-10-2014
Originally Posted by laceylmm:
He pays cell phone, cable and mortgage. I pay food, internet, water, electric, house phone, plus majority of extras for the kids.
Of those bills mortgage should be the top priority. While you are looking over finances I would also compare what renting costs would be (I'm assuming higher then 650 a month) in addition to what having a non-stable housing arrangement if this continues would do to your ability to get income from doing family child care.
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KidGrind 11:56 AM 03-10-2014
I am praying and rooting for you that things turn around for the better.
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Sugar Magnolia 12:03 PM 03-10-2014
Ask your mortgage company about HARP, we refinanced to a lower rate and saved a bundle. Even if you are "under water" you can qualify. I think you have to be current on you're payments though, so maybe get caught up, then apply?

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EntropyControlSpecialist 12:53 PM 03-10-2014
I was just there about a year ago and was really, really shocked.

Can you have him transfer $x.xx into your account each month so that you can ensure that the mortgage is being paid? Perhaps he transfers enough for you to pay all bills.

If you need someone to talk to please feel free to message me.
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Rainbow 07:47 PM 03-10-2014
Wow! I don't understand how someone could think it is ok to only pay, at most, half of their mortgage?! Paying the cable bill isn't going to do him any good if he doesn't have a house to watch it in.
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DaycareMomma 07:18 AM 03-11-2014
I second the Financial Peace University! We are going through it right now and it is AMAZING! Definitely check out daveramsey.com and look around. Search google about his methods. He is awesome and his system is really working for us.

But I'd also be having a BIG talk with my husband too. That is not ok on so many levels.

Good luck and lots of hugs!
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Sereetta 09:26 AM 03-11-2014
Wow... If your name is on the property you should reach out to the bank. Also cut expenses such as cable and other luxuries until things are taken care of. If you have access to his account set up an automatic bill pay and discuss the extra things he is paying out of pocket. I write our bills on chart paper and post it somewhere in the house that my hubby can't escape to show him the bills aren't going to hide from. Also make sure he doesn't have a gambling problem, my father lost tons of money due to his gambling and forced him to come to grips when he almost lost his house. I pray everything works out for you.. Remember try not to be confrontational with your husband (although considering the circumstances its really hard) I bet he already feels like a major failure your word could literally calm this storm.
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coolconfidentme 09:49 AM 03-11-2014
Remember..., he's a grown @$$ man. He paid his cell phone bill on time cause he knew they would shut him off if he didn't. He showed you who he is..., it's time to believe him. I'm sorry that sounds blunt, but what he did was very blunt. Hugs to you!!!
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Meeko 11:20 AM 03-11-2014
I must admit, I am old fashioned and I simply cannot fathom not knowing about the finances that concern MY home.

I went down the marriage isle as "Me" and came back up it as one half of "We". For the past 33 years every. single. thing. is about US...not me or him. I wouldn't have married him if I had not intended to share every aspect of my life with him.

Money is one of the biggest causes of contention in marriage and so couples MUST be on the same page.

My husband was in the military and so sometimes was gone for months at a time on assignments. He did have a checking account to use while he was gone, but I transferred into it as he needed, so we both knew EXACTLY where the money was. When we talked on the phone, we would make sure we discussed it. Nowadays, online banking makes that a simple task. Either party can log in.

If he is not good with money...and some people just aren't......you need to take over. Another poster mentioned him just transferring money to your account and you take care of paying the bills. Figure out what's due and make sure the FIRST thing he does when he gets his paycheck is transfer his part. Even better...make it an automatic transfer.

I honestly think you should have one account, at least until you get on track, but if you feel you must be separate, at least make sure that the right hand knows what the left is doing.

Do whatever it takes to get caught up on your mortgage. Cut off the cable etc and do without for a while. Nobody needs cable. You DO need a roof over your head.

Good luck and be tough!
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laceylmm 12:50 PM 03-11-2014
I knew it was behind but I always get some song and dance that he paid it or paid on it. He got his taxes back and didn't use anyone that money to catch it up. I feel defeated even attempting to talk about it because he obviously sees nothing wrong with doing things the way he is doing them. In his opinion if I don't like when it's paid then I can pay it myself. I've told him over and over again that our mortgage is the one thing that sould never be paid late. He claims it's behind because of the $700 he put on our van in July...which breaks down to being my fault somehow.
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NoMoreJuice! 01:21 PM 03-11-2014
Marriage counseling. Today.

This is not a financial issue, it is a partnership issue. He's simply not being a good partner, and you do need professional help getting your marriage back on track. I can't stress the importance of today enough...it sounds like resentment could already be setting in on both sides.

Good luck, we are all on your team here.
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laceylmm 01:40 PM 03-11-2014
Oh and not surprisingly the cable was shut off today because he doesn't pay that on time either.
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laceylmm 02:03 PM 03-11-2014
I told him the cable needs to stay off until the mortgage is fixed. He responded 'how much you got on the mortgage by the way?'
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laceylmm 02:07 PM 03-11-2014
I just paid $130 to sign our two oldest up for baseball. And an extra $74 in tickets for my daughters play until everyone that's coming can pay me back. I don't have extra to fix his mistakes.
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Hunni Bee 05:23 PM 03-11-2014
This is exactly why I left.

Almost the same thing. He was supposed to pay the rent, I paid everything else. He began giving me only portions of the rent, and a smaller portion every month. In February it got down to two thirds. I gave it back to him and told him I couldn't pay the rest and everything else.

Long story short, we got evicted, I found my own apartment and he lives in his mothers house as she recently died. We share custody of our daughter.

I hate that he had to be alone through his mom's death, but I couldn't live that anymore.

I definitely sympathize with you
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biglou 05:11 AM 03-12-2014
Very strange. First bill paid in my home is mtg and second is food. All other bills rank lower. How about switching roles. You pay the mtg. He pays the other bills. Clearly your income goes away if you are foreclosed on, so you have a strong interest in having a place to live and work in! Good luck with this.
Big lou
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Cradle2crayons 05:26 AM 03-12-2014
I agree with a pp. this isn't just a financial issue. This is a marriage issue. Big. Time.

Counseling ASAP. And I think I read you said "HE got HIS income tax back"

I'm sorry to be blunt, but there is no HIS and HERS in a marriage.

And then priorities... Mortgage has to come FIRST.

It's time for a serious sit down.
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melilley 05:39 AM 03-12-2014
Originally Posted by Meeko:
I must admit, I am old fashioned and I simply cannot fathom not knowing about the finances that concern MY home.

I went down the marriage isle as "Me" and came back up it as one half of "We". For the past 33 years every. single. thing. is about US...not me or him. I wouldn't have married him if I had not intended to share every aspect of my life with him.

Money is one of the biggest causes of contention in marriage and so couples MUST be on the same page.

My husband was in the military and so sometimes was gone for months at a time on assignments. He did have a checking account to use while he was gone, but I transferred into it as he needed, so we both knew EXACTLY where the money was. When we talked on the phone, we would make sure we discussed it. Nowadays, online banking makes that a simple task. Either party can log in.

If he is not good with money...and some people just aren't......you need to take over. Another poster mentioned him just transferring money to your account and you take care of paying the bills. Figure out what's due and make sure the FIRST thing he does when he gets his paycheck is transfer his part. Even better...make it an automatic transfer.

I honestly think you should have one account, at least until you get on track, but if you feel you must be separate, at least make sure that the right hand knows what the left is doing.

Do whatever it takes to get caught up on your mortgage. Cut off the cable etc and do without for a while. Nobody needs cable. You DO need a roof over your head.

Good luck and be tough!
especially the bolded part. My dh and I have NEVER argued over money, ever! Of course we argue about other things, but never money. My dh handles all of our finances, but I still know our financial situation.

Also, you're right, there are so many extras that you can cut out to save money. I never had cable growing up. My mom made a great living, but didn't see the need for it and I never had it until I grew up and moved out of the house! Junk food is another big spender imo...I'm bad in that dept...lol
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jenn 05:53 AM 03-12-2014
I'm so sorry, and I don't have any great advice.

A few months before we got married, my husband and I bought our house and he moved in. I didn't move in until we were married. From that moment on we joined our checking accounts and shared our bills. My husband and I have always had OUR money, not HIS money, MY money". They are OUR bills and OUR responsibility.
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Memc2001 05:54 AM 03-12-2014
You need some SERIOUS marriage and Dave Ramsey counseling ASAP. This is not the way a marriage works. But the Dave Ramsey isn't going to work until the marriage does.

Food first, mortgage second and everything else after that.

Good luck to you.
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Cat Herder 06:10 AM 03-12-2014
Originally Posted by coolconfidentme:
Remember..., he's a grown @$$ man. He paid his cell phone bill on time cause he knew they would shut him off if he didn't. He showed you who he is..., it's time to believe him. I'm sorry that sounds blunt, but what he did was very blunt. Hugs to you!!!
^^^^ Time to reevaluate what marriage means to you.
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Unregistered 07:16 AM 03-12-2014
I have heard this same old story time and again. Sadly to say sounds like he is already checking out of the marriage and is separating himself from his responsibilities.
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laceylmm 08:18 AM 03-12-2014
Thank you all for the advice. I really don't see him changing. No matter what I say he puts it all on me and says I don't care that much or I'd help him. Gave me a list of all his bills and how he doesn't have enough to pay them...everything he pays is on the verge of getting shut off he obviously isn't paying it. His only response is that if I cared so much I'd fix it.

The only reason I haven't taken over mortgage and given him the rest of the bills is because he would do the exact same thing except then it would be multiple bills tht he would be juggling and paying te bare minimum of. With something always on the verge of getting cut off. I'd gladly cancel the cable (he's the only one that watches as he can't live with ESPN) but cable and cells are in his name. Everything else is in my name.

Not trying to make excuses. He is a very narcissistic person.
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EntropyControlSpecialist 09:46 AM 03-12-2014
Prayer can change his heart.
A church might be able to help you with your mortgage this month. Do bills together...you write a check and so does he to mail out.
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Crazy8 10:43 AM 03-12-2014
Originally Posted by butterfly:
Yikes!

Best thing my husband and I ever did was go through Fiancial Peace University. We learned to work together on our finances - and everything else for that matter...
reading the OP and my first thought was "what would Dave Ramsey say about this". There is so much more to this than just not paying the mortgage, I would seek marriage counseling either together or by yourself. Personally I couldn't stay in a marriage where we didn't work together to pay all of OUR bills - there is no yours/mine in a healthy marriage (imo).
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Karena 12:09 PM 03-12-2014
Originally Posted by Heidi:
Wow!

I'm so sorry!

I think you need to arrange for someone to take care of your kids for a couple hours tonight, take your dh somewhere private, and confront him. Then, you need to say something like "how are WE going to fix this?"

It's time to open the books. You need to have all paychecks direct deposited to your joint account, and sit down TOGETHER and pay the bills each month. Call your bank, and make an appointment, for opening a new account, setting up a payment plan, and direct deposit (the mortgage loan officer will help you with this). I wouldn't throw DH under the bus, though. I'd go with there was a miscommunication between you two, and you'd like to fix this. So, you would like to work together with the bank to catch up the mortgage. Believe me, they DON'T want your house back, and they will normally work with you.

So..begs the question, where IS the money going? I'm sure you're wondering that yourself.
Right on the money Heidi!
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butterfly 12:14 PM 03-12-2014
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
Prayer can change his heart.
A church might be able to help you with your mortgage this month. Do bills together...you write a check and so does he to mail out.

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EntropyControlSpecialist 12:58 PM 03-12-2014
Originally Posted by Crazy8:
reading the OP and my first thought was "what would Dave Ramsey say about this". There is so much more to this than just not paying the mortgage, I would seek marriage counseling either together or by yourself. Personally I couldn't stay in a marriage where we didn't work together to pay all of OUR bills - there is no yours/mine in a healthy marriage (imo).
I am saying this kindly to you, so please don't take it as harsh.

But, every marriage will not be healthy through the entire duration of it, unfortunately. I wish that weren't true, but it is. I have lived through some really difficult times. Times that made me say I couldn't stay in the marriage. However, I am a Christian and made a covenant. A covenant that cannot be broken, in God's eyes, no matter what I do or what he does. Trying to discover where the money is going will do no good, if I am being completely honest with you. It won't stop his bad spending habits. It won't turn his cold heart away from not helping you/taking care of his family. Only prayer will... www.marriagedivorce.com has more info. about what the Bible says concerning that.

I wish I could even tell the OP that Financial Peace University can completely change a person or make their marriage all better financially but it didn't for mine. We did that prior to many of the catastrophes that happened. I am now in charge of paying bills and the bank account.
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Margarete 02:58 PM 03-12-2014
Originally Posted by laceylmm:
Thank you all for the advice. I really don't see him changing. No matter what I say he puts it all on me and says I don't care that much or I'd help him. Gave me a list of all his bills and how he doesn't have enough to pay them...everything he pays is on the verge of getting shut off he obviously isn't paying it. His only response is that if I cared so much I'd fix it. .....

.
... so you do care, and it doesn't seem like he wants to budget and figure this all out.
Perhaps suggest that his entire income go to you, and then you can allocate money for his needs (and some wants, once you have some more breathing room). If he doesn't want to budget, and talk to you about it, then take over.... Is that what he wants? It may be... I would try to get him to get some input into what his allocation is.
I'm the one who budgets in our house. Everything is combined, but I'm the one who sorts out how our expenses go, figuring out short and long term savings, etc... I update him, and let him know what kind of flexibility we have, and that's how he prefers it. He does have input into priorities, I'm the one who does the number crunching.
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Crazy8 05:22 PM 03-12-2014
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
I am saying this kindly to you, so please don't take it as harsh.

But, every marriage will not be healthy through the entire duration of it, unfortunately. I wish that weren't true, but it is. I have lived through some really difficult times. Times that made me say I couldn't stay in the marriage. However, I am a Christian and made a covenant. A covenant that cannot be broken, in God's eyes, no matter what I do or what he does. Trying to discover where the money is going will do no good, if I am being completely honest with you. It won't stop his bad spending habits. It won't turn his cold heart away from not helping you/taking care of his family. Only prayer will... www.marriagedivorce.com has more info. about what the Bible says concerning that.

I wish I could even tell the OP that Financial Peace University can completely change a person or make their marriage all better financially but it didn't for mine. We did that prior to many of the catastrophes that happened. I am now in charge of paying bills and the bank account.
I am not taking your post as harsh but think you are misreading mine… I never said every marriage is always healthy, in 16 years of marriage I have had ups and downs as well but all I was saying in my post was that living the separate his/mine and one (him in this case) not giving a darn what the other is doing is not going to result in a healthy marriage even once the mortgage is caught up.

I am not very religious and I do not pray, but I have a very healthy, strong, loving marriage. So, on the flip side, you don't need prayer to have that. You need love and respect and it sounds like the OP's marriage is lacking that.
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Margarete 08:07 PM 03-12-2014
Some people are not good, or don't enjoy budgeting, and sorting out finances (or managing the home, doing yard work, home repair or a number of other tasks it takes to make a household run smoothly). It just is what it is. Usually they aren't being irresponsible with it on purpose, or to be hurtful. It sounds as if he is just really bad at it... and it may not be something he wants to work on. when someone feels they are being attacked, getting defensive is a pretty normal reaction.
My suggestion... but I don't know all of the dynamics of your personal relationship.... would be to come at it from a "how can I help, and how can we make this work". If finances isn't something he wants to work on, or work on together, you handling all of the finances seems like it would be the way to go. It may actually be a relief to him... and you can help to save some of the joint income for some of his bigger expenses and wants... including things like car repairs, new tires, maybe a vacation once you are back on track.
Good luck with getting back on track with finances, and each other!
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Unregistered 10:07 AM 03-13-2014
Originally Posted by laceylmm:
Thank you all for the advice. I really don't see him changing. No matter what I say he puts it all on me and says I don't care that much or I'd help him. Gave me a list of all his bills and how he doesn't have enough to pay them...everything he pays is on the verge of getting shut off he obviously isn't paying it. His only response is that if I cared so much I'd fix it.

The only reason I haven't taken over mortgage and given him the rest of the bills is because he would do the exact same thing except then it would be multiple bills tht he would be juggling and paying te bare minimum of. With something always on the verge of getting cut off. I'd gladly cancel the cable (he's the only one that watches as he can't live with ESPN) but cable and cells are in his name. Everything else is in my name.

Not trying to make excuses. He is a very narcissistic person.
I am a member but logged out so I would not feel embarrassed over my situation. I have been married for 20 years. Around 10 years ago, I had reached my boiling point with hubby about money...much like your situation he had poor budgeting skills....I would get calls for bounced checks, etc. Paid over $2000 twice to cover him....After the second time, I sent my kids to my moms and laid down the law.....you reap what you sow.....I told him he could not handle money and if our marriage was going to work all funds would go into our checking account....I fill his vehicle up with gas once a week, give him x amount of cash and buy groceries where he can take his lunch. Oddly, this works. It is like he needed/respected my taking control and helping. Occasionally over the past few years, he will get a little frustrated but I remind him this is the ONLY way it will work. I wished I had done it sooner. There are moments I fee hubby and I are only co-exisiting in the house, but I do take my vows seriously and he is wonderful with everything else, just CANNOT make good/rational decisions about many things especially money. He even will ask now before he buys anything.....I don't like feeling like a mother-hen but we married for better or worse! I am, by far, not perfect so he picks up the pieces where I fail so I owe him the same in return! These are just my thoughts. Good luck to you!
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Michael 09:07 PM 03-13-2014
Pushing the post back up to the top.
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countrymom 06:20 AM 03-14-2014
Originally Posted by butterfly:
Yikes!

Best thing my husband and I ever did was go through Fiancial Peace University. We learned to work together on our finances - and everything else for that matter...
I second this. I love dave ramsey. And I really really recommend his program.
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Annalee 06:23 AM 03-14-2014
Originally Posted by countrymom:
I second this. I love dave ramsey. And I really really recommend his program.
I think Dave Ramsey has some wonderful ideas. BUT my banker told me that Dave Ramsey had filed bankruptcy 3 times....so I guess it is easier to tell someone what to do than it is to actually do it.
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countrymom 06:24 AM 03-14-2014
so you can fix this in several ways.
1. you can take over the finances
2. set up automatic withdrawl out of both accounts
3. go to the bank
4. call the mortgage company and ask what you can do
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countrymom 06:27 AM 03-14-2014
Originally Posted by Annalee:
I think Dave Ramsey has some wonderful ideas. BUT my banker told me that Dave Ramsey had filed bankruptcy 3 times....so I guess it is easier to tell someone what to do than it is to actually do it.
yes he did file bankrupcy 3 times, too bad your banker didn't tell you the whole story. Dave is open about it too. It was when he was younger and went crazy. Its in his book he tells about his story. He got to a low point in his life that he was going to leave his wife so she didn't have to deal with it. And his theory really does work, its common sense stuff that when you read about it, you'll be like, omg why didn't I think of that.
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Unregistered 08:23 PM 03-14-2014
A method that works for some is to have a household or bill account. You each contribute a portion and all bills are paid out of that account. Preferably by automatic payment. If necessary arrange it so there are no debit cards to access it, so he can't spend out of it.

Each payday you make sure the money is there to cover the auto pays.

Sorry you're dealing with this.
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Tags:bankruptcy, divorce, foreclosure, husband - loser, husband issues, marital problems, marriage counseling, money problems
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