I just started a new child and feel I am cursed. I typically have 5 in care and whenever I agree to take a 6th child I get a anxiety ridden worrier. Kid has been in care 7 days today. Will not eat, cries everytime we get to the table, "I'm not hungry." "I dont like this stuff." "I feel sick." "I'm not supposed to drink milk." etc. Today she almost puked at the table. Something I have delt with before in these types of kids. I am very paitent but I am wondering if its easier to just get tough and say. "Two bites." and end the discussion. Every other child tries 2 bites and NOBODY COMPLAINS but now they are starting to do what she does. I am struggling with being gentle, overly paitent and getting her comfortable and then teaching her the rules or just getting right to business and showing her the ropes.

Additionally, this child is obsessed with what is happening next. Are we going to take a nap today? "I don't like naps. I have nightmares." "Im not tired." Etc. "When is my mom coming? When is my off day?" "where are you going?" etc. She doesn't want to wash hands after going to the bathroom, doesn't want to line up with the other kids, doesn't want to clean up, doesn't wait to go outside.

I understand she is getting into the routine of the day but I don't want her to develop bad habits either thinking she doesn't have to follow the rules the other kids do.

The rest of my group is very strong personalities so this one is having trouble during play time too. If the other kids don't do exactly what she wants, how she wants (except that she won't actually use her words and tell them anything) she will just cry or pout on the couch.

Does anyone else think its just a matter of lottery that after 5 kids I am always going to get a nervous nelly or does anyone have any ideas on what to do?

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Get her right into the routine. It almost sounds like she is looking for things to fight you on, testing the limits and finding that you are putting up with stuff. Don't change the rules for her. It doesn't sound like anything you are expecting is unreasonable. Also don't forget to pay a lot of attention to the kids that ARE behaving so they are all learning that bad behavior gets nothing.

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what she said

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I just started a new child and feel I am cursed. I typically have 5 in care and whenever I agree to take a 6th child I get a anxiety ridden worrier. Kid has been in care 7 days today.

Be careful to not confuse anxiety with control.


Will not eat,
Cool. One less to have at the table. Just have her go play during meals

cries everytime we get to the table,
Have her go play while you are eating.

"I'm not hungry."
Cool. Go play toys

"I dont like this stuff."
excellent. Go play toys

"I feel sick."
You need to go lie down and have a nap.

"I'm not supposed to drink milk."
no milk just water

Today she almost puked at the table.
go lie down and have a nap

Something I have delt with before in these types of kids. I am very paitent but I am wondering if its easier to just get tough and say. "Two bites." and end the discussion. Every other child tries 2 bites and NOBODY COMPLAINS but now they are starting to do what she does.

She sees your kindness as weakness. Start being firm and focus on what YOU want her to do. For me.. that is GO PLAY TOYS.

I am struggling with being gentle, overly paitent and getting her comfortable and then teaching her the rules or just getting right to business and showing her the ropes.

Seven days is enough for her to get that you are the boss of her. She needs to get to playin.

Additionally, this child is obsessed with what is happening next.

If she names it she claims it. NO discussions about anything but what she is to do RIGHT NOW... which is.... dah dah dah dah... GO PLAY TOYS

Are we going to take a nap today?
go play toys

"I don't like naps.
go play toys

I have nightmares."
sweet... now go play toys

"Im not tired." Etc.
excellent. lie down and be not tired.

"When is my mom coming?
go play toys

When is my off day?"
go play toys

"where are you going?" etc.
go play toys

She doesn't want to wash hands after going to the bathroom,
wash your hands right now

doesn't want to line up with the other kids,
get in line right now

doesn't want to clean up,
you get to clean the whole room by yourself if you don't do your share.

doesn't wait to go outside.
take a blanket and have her lie down outside.

I understand she is getting into the routine of the day but I don't want her to develop bad habits either thinking she doesn't have to follow the rules the other kids do.
She thinks she doesn't have to follow the rules and you are going to ENGAGE her while she doesn't.


The rest of my group is very strong personalities so this one is having trouble during play time too. If the other kids don't do exactly what she wants, how she wants (except that she won't actually use her words and tell them anything) she will just cry or pout on the couch.
YOU are an excellent pouter. Stay right there on that couch and get your pout on.


Does anyone else think its just a matter of lottery that after 5 kids I am always going to get a nervous nelly or does anyone have any ideas on what to do

No. You just ran into the one who rules. Take the job from her and she will settle down. She's just flailing around with her behavior. She's a kid. She doesn't know how to handle being the boss so let her take a demotion and be a kid.

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NAN~

I agree with everything you said in the above post but what about the other kids who see this newbie going off to play instead of eating and then they all want to go play too? Do you just let them all choose to skip lunch? I am assuming they will all catch on pretty quick and realize they are missing lunch and not want to go play after a few days of making the "wrong" choice but if that is the way you would go, doesn't that make for an awful lot of upheaval every time a new kid starts?

Also what do you do about the kid who chooses to only eat on days when the food is good (i.e. chicken nugget, pizza, mini corn dogs) but then skips on the days when the grub is not so good?

I know all your kiddos eat and you have a slightly different menu than me as far as the food you offer so I guess I am asking what should I do when the above happens? Wouldn't really seem fair that a kid can pick and choose to eat only when the stuff offered is the fun stuff...kwim?

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I agree with what nanny said in not engaging her. Even if she is eventually obeying, engaging her in discussion and explanation is still giving her some control which is not helping the situation. Keep your answers to her short and sweet.

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There is no way I would tell a child to go play with toys when I'm trying to get them to do something with the group. Everyone else would want to go play to and then the riot would start. What I do is ignore the child-in fact did that today. When she saw she wasn't getting her way she immediately wanted to join the group. She had already missed something we did but we just moved on-don't be a turtle because I won't stop and backtrack for a child. Fine, you don't want to eat but you will sit with the group. You don't want milk thats fine but can't serve you anything else till I have a note from the doctor. You will need to sit right with me and not touch anything till you wash your hands. Don't want to nap, to bad everyone else does. Make it about what the group is wanting to do not her and if she doesn't want to do something have her right by your side the whole time till she gets bored and wants to participate.

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I don't do any kind of kiddy food. I never serve nuggets, pizza, fries etc. so I wouldn't have that here. My bet is that she is eating a fully treat based diet at home... of nuggets, bread, and sweets. For drinks she's most likely having Sunny D kind of kool aid drinks. She's most likely living in snack world with whatever processed foods that are stand ins for regular meals like lunchables and toaster foods.

The behavior she is having with a near perfect stranger adult shows me that she has a bad diet. Instead of being picky she's most likely the one who gets to pick.

The idea is to take the energy out of her revulsion and pickiness. If she wants to show that behavior then she can do it on her own. She won't go play anyway... she will sit at a spot where she can get the best view... with one toy in her hand... and STARE at the whirling serving adult and the kids sitting in wait for their grub.

She needs TIME to watch the crew eat. She needs to see day after day how a group of human babies converge and eat food together. It's our human nature to eat in groups... to share food... to share the fellowship of a good meal. She's a human baby and she WILL get that she is SUPPOSED to go eat with her kind... but

you have to have TIME to reach her in that way. The only way to speed up the process is to take her antisocial selfish behavior OUT of the way so her true little human baby self can come to the surface.

So she sits away for a few weeks and every now and then give her a little wink and a nod and let her know she COULD come and just sit with you if she ever wanted to.

Then get her to just SIT.... close up and personal ... watch...

then offer her a little sompin sompin on a little plate ... with a little cup... or something off of YOUR plate.

When she pulls away then let her back to her viewing spot.

Soon enough she will be back with the crew.

Start with a little and add onto it over a period of a few weeks. Eventually she will want to BE with the kids and then DO what they do but it's going to take TIME because you are deconstructing her unstable mindset.

If the other kids try to copy tell them NO. Tell them they are to do as they always do. They need to get used to her unstable mindset too. Best they have to do that from afar in the begining.

By the time she DOES join them she will be more stable and be more entrenched into the group in the OTHER ways of being with a group of kids. She can't "get" the "eat together" until she gets the "play together". Once the play together gets worked out she will want to join them in meals too.

It's about the GROUP meal not HER meal. It's been that way since the begining of time and she's flesh and bone human just like the rest of it. If you do it right and give it time she will see that and want that.

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Did you see this part?

Today she almost puked at the table.

That is a HUMUNGEOUS red flag that this is a very unbalanced kid. This has to be handled right.

It's not fair to the other kids to be up close and personal with her when she's this unsteady. It needs to be done gradually.

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And OP

Ask the Mom to make a list of her favorite foods. She'll tell you she is picky. Tell her "oh I heard about that".

Ask her to tell you what little Missy's favorite meat and vegetables are. Don't discuss fruit, grains, or milk products. JUST meat and vegetables.

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It wasn't just about her eating it is about her whole day. I don't believe in analysing or babying a child. You either mesh with the group or your going to be very lonely just sitting there because the other kids aren't going to pay you a second glance if you don't want to be part of the group.

Also I don't have time to do all the stuff you talk about nan because I'm a one person show and have a group of children to look after not just one because I don't have a helper to rely on through the day.

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She doesn't want to be a part of the group. That's the sum total of her behavior.

She wants the provider to do HER every day all day.

She has to want to join the group and it's going to take time.

The method I use doesn't take extra work. It's not hard and it doesn't require two people.

Also... I don't have a helper by accident. I choose to operate that way. It's not something special that has been gifted upon me. It's a BIG business expense.

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Back to the original post. I would just continue to run your childcare as you always have. If this one isn't going to work for you time to term. You are in control of your day and business not her, not us. We can all make suggestions on what we would do but in the end you need to do what is best for you and your children that you watch. This child almost sounds like she is a princess at home-did she come from another childcare?

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I'm sorry but I have to totally diagree with nanny. Letting a child go and choose whether or not she wants to eat is letting her have control of what goes on in a house. I don't care if a child doesn't want to eat but they will get to sit at the table with the rest of the kids. I too cannot watch children eating and a child playing by themselves in another room. And if I allowed that behaviour of every time a child doesn't want to eat my whole crew would be playing instead of eating.
as for the puking, she's probaby not use to eating real food, acually no one has told her that she has to eat so this is something new.
I also find it very unprofessional that all you do is tell the kids "go play toys" I'm sorry but as a parent and a provider I find this practise intolerable towards children. Do you ever talk to them. This child is new, this is a new place, new people, new set of rules. She is exhibiting anxiety by talking like this, she needs reassurance not be told to go and play with toys.

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Yes! I didn't see this earlier when I posted

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Another one I totally agree with!

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Nope

It's mean to a kid to make them sit at a table around food that makes them want to puke. It's mean to the other kids to have a protesting kid at the table. They deserve to have the fellowship of a healthy group meal without another kid coming in and distracting them away from each other and the meal they are eating together.

Meal time is SACRED in my house. It's a time for everyone to come together at the same time and eat nourishing food. It's a time to talk and laugh. It's a time to fill that hungry little body.

It's not a time to watch someone wretch and be upset. She shouldn't be at the table if it sickens her. The goal is to GET her to the table over time but only when she does it willingly and without revulsion.

I don't have kids who would rather play than eat. All of my kids want their food. By the time we eat meals they are very HUNGRY. They have been eating these meals their whole life and they WANT it and NEED it. As it should be.

You said "I also find it very unprofessional that all you do is tell the kids "go play toys""

Hmmmm well I say many things to children during the day and "go play toys" is one of them. Isn't it a sad day when someone would think that it was unprofessional for a child care worker to tell a kid to go play toys? Kids are SUPPOSED TO PLAY. How lucky these kids are that they live in a country where they are allowed the freedom to just be little kids and GO PLAY. I think there are a lot of kids living on this planet who would love to be able to just GO PLAY TOYS but instead they have to fear whether or not they will have food in their bowl today, safety from the adults around them, clean water, a roof over their head, an adult around who CAN watch them and keep them safe and fed.

There are millions of orphans in this world who have had their whole lives devestaed by diseases such as AIDS and wars that have desemated their entire families. How lucky is it that this kid gets to GO PLAY TOYS. Telling them to go play toys is a GIFT.

I'm sorry but as a parent and a provider I find this practise intolerable towards children

It's what I want THIS type of child to do. I want her to go play toys. Go play toys means: Go entertain yourself. Go find YOUR happiness. Go be with your new friends. Go enjoy this awesome toy collection you are so blessed to have access to. Go interact with your own age and your own kind... you will learn from THEM. THEY are the ones who will teach you how to be a stable functioning group member. THEY are your mentors. THEY are your equals. They are the ones who can show you how to behave in a group because they have been raised by me and each other. THEY (as a group) are more important to you than I will ever be.

You said Do you ever talk to them.
I talk to them so much that most of them have my voice. They have my inflections... my midwestern "accent"... my non verbal and facial expressions. A couple of them are "mini me's" down to exact body movements. One of my dcd's just told me yesterday his two year old was like having a mini "Nan" at home. We have tape of her when she was just starting talking where you could have sworn she was me cloned

This child is new, this is a new place, new people, new set of rules. She is exhibiting anxiety by talking like this, she needs reassurance not be told to go and play with toys

Nope. I don't believe this is anxiety but rather control. She may be anxious because she doesn't have control but control is the root of the behaviors she is exhibiting.

What she needs is SIMPLE straight forward directions of what she is expected to do RIGHT NOW. Go play toys is perfect for this child. It leaves little room for discussion. It tells her in clear terms what she is to do. It's KIND to her to give her SIMPLE. It's kind to give her something we KNOW she can do. It's kind to entrench her into the other children because they are awesome and she can be awesome with them.

When you spend too much time answering her "terms of engagement" ("Im not tired." "When is my mom coming? When is my off day?" "where are you going?") you are petting an unstable mindset. Responding to these are ESCALATING her and keeping her fixed in you doint HER. She's been there SEVEN days and she seems to be fairly intelligent. She's been there long enough to GET what the environment has to offer and she is saying NO to that and "do ME" to the provider.

If you deconstruct each of her phrases and her behavior towards the kids and the environment she is making it about HER. It's time to teach her that it ISN'T about her individually... that it's about the GROUP and you in the GROUP. The group is led by me.

Being a good group member and taking excellent leadership is GOOD for a little kid. She needs to get to THAT. Now once you get to THAT ... THEN... you start pulling out her little uniqueness. You start asking her about her puppy at home or her little cousins she plays with on Saturday. You start asking about her trip to WalMart last night and if she saw any new dollies or the big beach ball they have in the big ball bins.

Bring her individual little self forward when she accepts her position in the group so that she can then add her layer onto the group and they will become her too.

This post I wrote a month ago: https://www.daycare.com/forum/showth...ighlight=plate

I don't care if they don't eat. Food issues are big fat loosers. You will never win.

If you have a kid that is refusing everything go back to the basics in meals. Do old school things you would have at grandmas. Do chicken and noodles with mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole and biscuits. Do roast beef, carrots, and potatoes with mushroom gravy. Do ham, sweet potatoes, butter peas and honey rolls. Do spaghetti with garlic bread, fresh salad and some apple crisp for desert.

Then when meal time comes ask her if she wants some of it. If she says no then say cool fool... can I have your honey biscuits?

Love me some honey biscuits.

Ask her if she wants to eat with you guys or would she rather go play? She's welcome to just sit and visit with everyone or go play. Either way is cool.

Then CELEBRATE your food. Eat with the kids if you can and really ENJOY the meal.

When the other kids want seconds on the mashed potatoes say "oh you don't like Nan's mashed taters... I'm going to eat them all MYSELF.

Let her have the experience of being around people who love each other, love eating together, love laughing together. ....

That's all it takes...

good food
good friends

If she just wants the "desert" then make your desert as healthy as you can and enjoy desert with her.

I wouldn't ask her to try anything. I would just want her as near to me as I could get her. If she's interested and wants a little sompin sompin then let her have a little piece off of your plate. (I know that's against the rules but it's okay.... sometimes it takes Mama love to cure this).

No matter what she does it's okay. She gets to choose. As long as she doesn't misbehave during this meal time play and allows everyone else the celebration then you are all good.

She'll come around.... just give it time.

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"Like!"

Oh, and can I have your recipe for Honey Biscuits?

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http://www.food.com/recipe/churchs-honey-biscuits-98519

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I'm sorry but ARE YOU NUTS?! What I wouldn't give to be a kid and GO PLAY TOYS! Kids today are overstimulated by outside figures (parent's especially) and need to live in a KID'S WORLD...not an adult's world! Daycare is just that...a kid's world! They can play toys and be themselves and have fun! They don't need to worry about going out to eat at McDonalds...they will be fed, they don't have to worry about going shopping, they can pretend (like a child SHOULD do), they don't have to worry about mommy and daddy taking her to the park, we will go outside and play with other kids her age! How great is that?!

My daughter went to Nannyde for 2 years and I worked for her! She's got the best gig in town! Her methods are proven! She's successful and her rules and routine WORK! Effectively!!!

You find it very unprofessional to tell the kids "go play toys"?! Are you kidding me???

I do home daycare and I use this saying probably 20 times a day! It solves all issues upfront.

The kids ask when lunch is??? GO PLAY TOYS. It'll be done when I tell you to pick up toys!

I don't want to eat....Super, you can PLAY TOYS til we are done.

I don't want to play play-doh...aww, that's too bad. You'll be missing out on some fun. You can GO PLAY TOYS since you don't want to do what the group is doing.

I don't want to take a nap....good, than don't sleep but you are still laying down.

Leadership and control are above all else. No way would a little run MY house. You be a kid and do what we all do or you GO PLAY TOYS. Soon she will see what she's missing out on. If not, she doesn't belong in your group.

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If meals are pleasant, kids won't want to leave. Meals are more than just the nutrition, they are a time of conversation and learning good manners. Children who are crying and wanting to puke are not showing good table behavior. They disturb the children who are enjoying their time together. When the crying, puking child realizes she is the one missing out.....she may correct herself and decide to stay at the table....next time.

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I had a child one time that was very stubborn on eating-I mean stubborn. Probably had the child 3 years and maybe only ate lunch a handful of times during the whole time. Wouldn't eat breakfast either, only snacks. What the child would do most of the time would be to stuff the mouth full and cheek it all and have so much in there that they couldn't chew it all up. Now the ironic thing is there was I took care of the sibling also. Child could eat till there was no tomorrow and want more. Both of them didn't like white milk at first (found out only drank chocolate and mom would have it in the car at pick up time) but when the sibling that ate well tasted it, there was no problem getting him to drink it every day.

I do know that these children were served healthy meals every day and I had been to their house on several occassions so I do know what kinds of food they ate. I believe the none eater child was just very stubborn. When I was at their house one time this child wouldn't eat and a relative said I get tired of trying to get this child to eat. Child won't eat anything for anyone. Bingo-made me feel better-thought she just wouldn't eat for me.

This child also threw up after almost every time we had a party. It was almost like the stomach couldn't handle all the party food almost like the child was so hungry and ate to much to carry themself threw mealtime.

This child did sit with us every day though at lunch time because that is what is I expect a any child to do that would be here for childcare.

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Did he eat healthy meals at home? How was his behavior at your house?

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I don't agree with Nan 100% of the time, but I agree with her on this one. It's not worth it to me to argue with a child. It just frustrates both of us and my life is stressful enough. They get one explanation for why I'm asking what I'm asking of them, then that's it. I'm done talking to you. I think I may just try this "go play toys" idea.

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This child ate very healthy meals at home (fruit, veggies, meat, stir-fry, etc.) and I served healthy meals also. The behavior of this child was fine also. Always played with everyone, manners were well, napped every day just didn't like to eat breakfast or lunch. Was a big mystery to me-I always worried about it but then gave up because why stress if this child wanted to be stubborn. Just made them follow our routine and when we were at the table eating so were they (sitting with us).

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I had one like this a while back and I think I should have tried the either eat or go do something else technique. DCk was in care 9 months and still had daily food issues. I prefer to make the kids read a book- out of sight of the others (right around the kitchen wall) so the other kids aren't enticed to go play while they should be eating.

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Nannyde, if I lived in your town, I would be working! I want you to keep my kids!!

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Awww that's really nice.

Thank you

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I have the same kid...instead of being new, she's been here all but about six months of her life and she's four. Controlling, dramatic, won't eat regular food, princess complex.

She used to gag at the table, cry when something was placed on her plate that she didn't like, cry when she couldn't fill up on juice when she didn't eat, demand more of whatever she did like without touching anything else on the plate. She ruined lots of meals.

True she does have a lot of food allergies and texture aversions...but she was never encouraged to eat the things she could eat that were good for her. ALL she eats at home is crap...chx nuggets, pizza, sugar-laden drinks, chips, with an occasional fruit thrown in. She really has grown out of most of her allergies - supposed to be allergic to milk, but eats ice cream and cheese, allergic to nuts but eats Reese's...she's conveniently "allergic" to whatever she doesn't like.

I got really sick of the power struggle at the table. She's not required to eat or even sit at the table, but she cannot talk to us from another room while we're eating or sit at the table and cry, gag, or pout. If she does, she leaves the table and doesn't come back. She gets everything everybody else gets, eats what she wants, and waits until everyone else is mostly finished to dump her plate. No negative comments about the food or she leaves. No juice is served - water or nothin'. She conformed easier than I expected because she hates to be apart from the group.

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YES this.

You did some great work setting boundaries on how she can behave at the table.

NO drama at the table.

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This whole thread interests me. I have one just like this and had one in the past whos issues were never dealt with b/c I never knew how to deal with them. HOW EXACTLY did you go about this last part? What did you tell her? These are the rules at the table and if you can't follow them you will be excused? Do you just keep ignoring the negative comments or do you remove them from the table as soon as they complain? Please share how you get them to the understanding that they need to sit and be there with the other kids but can not complain and cry/fuss/whine etc. I have tried saying different things to my complainer but it seems like she likes the attention, I have tried to ignore but seems like that doesnt work either.

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If you don't behave at my table, you leave or your plate goes into "time out" for a minute or so until you're ready to eat.

With her, when the gagging and the crying and complaining starting, she was excused from the table...no engaging. Her plate was cleared, her hands were cleaned and she was sent on her merry way. No matter how she cried to come back or try again with a new plate, that was it. I told her later that her friends are hungry and want to eat and talk to each other, not watch her nose run and her spit food back onto the plate. I asked her does she like to sit with her friends and she said yes. And I told her just like I'm not going to make her eat food she doesn't like, Im not going to make her friends have their lunch spoiled, so if she's crying and acting up, she can't be at the table with them. She's high-functioning and very social, so this was important to her and she conformed.

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