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Old 08-21-2013, 10:07 AM
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Default Feel Like Such A Bad Guy...

This is concerning my own DD. She's 2.5 and while its a difficult age for all kids it seems to be even tougher with her. She's VERY stubborn, extremely intelligent, outgoing, temperamental, and has no self control.. at all. I know a lot of it is normal but I am having a tough time dealing with the person it is turning me into. I feel like the bad guy ALL the time. I can't tell if she's testing the limits to test them or because she just can't help it. I don't know. A lot of this is going to be a vent so I'm sorry in advance if it is all over the place.

Lately with her its listening. She does not listen at all. Not at all. If she is doing something, I want her to be able to get the experience. There are a lot of things she likes to 'help' with and I encourage her to take responsibility; Feed the fish, feed the dog, 'help' with dishes or mopping after I'm done. If I put her on the counter to feed the fish she feeds them which is great but before I even put her up there I remind her that she is up there to feed the fish, if she starts messing with things on the counter I will take her down. She feeds the fish and then wants to 'watch' them eat. Then proceeds to reach for other things and when I remind her of the rule she tells me she's watching them. Well of course she keeps messing with things and I have to take her down and she freaks out.

This is all typical. I understand that. But its with EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING she does she is eventually removed from because she pushes the limits so far. Half way through the day I'm on the brink of losing it. I try to encourage her when she's doing things the right way, or being a good friend but its like she, idk. Can't help it.

Just at lunch she goes up and squishes someones face into a fishy face. I tell her to be gentle and ask A**** if she wants that to happen. A*** was on with it in this situation. Right after that she starts "pretending to do" her hair. but just grabs it in bunches and pulls it to the top of her head. A*** did NOT like this and I stood up and asked DD to stop, had A*** use her words and tell dd that it hurt and she didn't like it and dd yelled at me and said she was PRETENDING!! Well I told her that even if she was pretending she was hurting A*** and that was not ok. Of course she flips out.

Again, normal things. But as the day goes on and the behaviors go on and on and on I get more and more frustrated. Just before nap we were all getting ready to read a story in the book nook and she wouldn't make room for one of the little ones; I told her this is where he lays down for nap and she needed to scootch over and when I went to warm up the bottles I could here her yelling at him to fall asleep and was like psychically trying to close his eyes. I marched right over and snatched her up, told her that was unacceptable behavior and she is to never touch him like that. But I got loud.

That's my problem. I get loud now. I don't like yelling at her. But she doesn't listen. You can tell her over and over not to do something and it happens any way and I have to raise my voice with her. EVERYTHING is an issue with her. EVERYTHING. I'm at a loss. I know a lot of it is the age mixed with her personality, but how do I deal with it for myself? I don't want to yell at her. I need to find other ways to deal with it. I just feel like a horrible mom lately. I try so hard to involve her in things and give her opportunities to demonstrate good behavior and every time it ends badly. I just don't know what to do any more.
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Old 08-21-2013, 10:25 AM
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I believe you answered your problem..., "she pushes the limits." I'm not trying to be mean here, but EVERYTHING is an issue with her because you seem to allow her to make it an issue. Stop letting her make the rules.

Fish = It's a privilege. Take the privileged away from her.

Squishes someones face with toy = I never ask a child. I tell them the consistences of their action & do it. Not a lot of talking.

Touches a child at nap time = Remove her from the room & tell her she doesn't get to sleep with the other until her behavior improves. Not a lot of talking either. I make my troublemakers take a nap in the hallway away from other. They do NOT like it.

idk..., it works for me, but I work on zero tolerance when a child knows better. She seems to know right from wrong & is pushing your buttons it appears.
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Old 08-21-2013, 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by coolconfidentme View Post
I believe you answered your problem..., "she pushes the limits." I'm not trying to be mean here, but EVERYTHING is an issue with her because you seem to allow her to make it an issue. Stop letting her make the rules.

Fish = It's a privilege. Take the privileged away from her.

Squishes someones face with toy = I never ask a child. I tell them the consistences of their action & do it. Not a lot of talking.

Touches a child at nap time = Remove her from the room & tell her she doesn't get to sleep with the other until her behavior improves. Not a lot of talking either. I make my troublemakers take a nap in the hallway away from other. They do NOT like it.

idk..., it works for me, but I work on zero tolerance when a child knows better. She seems to know right from wrong & is pushing your buttons it appears.
But that's what I mean. That's what I'm doing. But because she does it with everything its so frustrating. I feel like every second of the day is negative. She's always being removed or corrected or having something taken away. I feel like we never get to enjoy the time we have together because she makes an issue of everything.
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Old 08-21-2013, 10:43 AM
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I agree with PP... For a two and a half year old there seems to be a lot of talking. I would set clear and simple boundaries with everything I could. If feeding the fish is an issue then don't do it. Or do it and put her down immediately after. No touching- anyone any time. You will sit here- if she moves she goes to a quite spot while everyone else hears the story.
Keep it simple. I heard once and agree that once you argue with a child they have already won.
Watch super nanny- she does a great stern voice that leaves no question but isn't yelling. If your daughter throws a fit I would tell her: ok your upset but we don't throw fits so you go--- until your done. Children are not allowed to throw fits in my space- ever.
No conversations, no negotiation. She doesn't have room for that in the stage she is in now-
Hang in there it will get better!
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Old 08-21-2013, 10:50 AM
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So I guess you're saying that I have to be the bad guy eh? lol. I know that what I have to do, I just hate feeling like a bad parent because of it. Its so draining.
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Old 08-21-2013, 11:00 AM
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No..., you have to be her parent. There are no bad guys here. If that was the case, she is the bad guy. For every action there is a reaction. If she doesn't want a bad reaction from you then she needs to stop the bad behavior. I keep it simple. No is a complete sentence. Hang in there!!!!!
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Old 08-21-2013, 11:01 AM
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No..., you have to be her parent. There are no bad guys here. If that was the case, she is the bad guy. For every action there is a reaction. If she doesn't want a bad reaction from you then she needs to stop the bad behavior. I keep it simple. No is a complete sentence. Hang in there!!!!!
Thanks
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Old 08-21-2013, 11:04 AM
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Thanks
Hug the good behavior too!!!!
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Old 08-21-2013, 11:08 AM
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Hug the good behavior too!!!!
I always do, there just doesn't seem to be much of it these days
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Old 08-21-2013, 11:09 AM
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I can feel your frustration in your post! BUT I also feel how much you care about your daughter & are working so hard to help her through this stage!

Keep doing what you are doing: minimize circumstances that allow her to act out.

Provide one warning and then consequences.

Keep noticing when she does the right thing.

It may feel like you are being a bad guy but you know when you see kids who are out of control/don't listen/are rude/run the house and the parents do nothing? Well, they are the bad guys! You are a mom who is working hard at raising a courteous, independent daughter....big difference in my book!
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Old 08-21-2013, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Brooksie View Post
So I guess you're saying that I have to be the bad guy eh? lol. I know that what I have to do, I just hate feeling like a bad parent because of it. Its so draining.
It is extremely draining!! If it makes you feel better I think she is advanced and already in the three stage!
Yes you have to be the bad guy- but be the calm, you aren't effecting me kind! . The less reaction from you the less effort from her.
Also try to set up some- no fail- times for just the two of you. Like a playground, a hike, etc... Where there are very little things that could go wrong- that will help still get the fun bonding time in
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Old 08-21-2013, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Leanna View Post
I can feel your frustration in your post! BUT I also feel how much you care about your daughter & are working so hard to help her through this stage!

Keep doing what you are doing: minimize circumstances that allow her to act out.

Provide one warning and then consequences.

Keep noticing when she does the right thing.

It may feel like you are being a bad guy but you know when you see kids who are out of control/don't listen/are rude/run the house and the parents do nothing? Well, they are the bad guys! You are a mom who is working hard at raising a courteous, independent daughter....big difference in my book!
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Old 08-21-2013, 11:13 AM
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This was such a hard age for me with my own kids. It was exhausting and it seemed like it never ended. Unlike the dck's, I had mine 24/7

My oldest is very strong willed and what worked for me was to make the environment as "yes" friendly as possible. Make it so the fish tank isn't in a place where she can get into other things. I moved mine in the dining room, so we would go in together, get the step stool feed the fish watch for a few minutes and then move on to the next thing. It is hard, and it feels like it will never end but it does.
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Old 08-21-2013, 11:20 AM
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I know just how you feel! Kids get comfortable with you, and then they have to push limits to see what is and is not acceptable with you, and they rarely just "take your word for it"! What I would do is a short "time-out", right where she is, for EVERY SINGLE THING she does to break the rules (60-90 seconds). Just long enough for her to refocus. If the time out results in a tantrum, then remove to the usual calm down spot. Do this for 2 weeks.

When I try this technique, it works. It's frustrating for all, but at the end, I am able to warn a child, and go back to using time out as a last resort. I swear, I was shocked when I saw how much calmer and happier a child was after using this technique-I think that knowing the limits really does make a child feel more secure.
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Old 08-21-2013, 02:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coolconfidentme View Post
I believe you answered your problem..., "she pushes the limits." I'm not trying to be mean here, but EVERYTHING is an issue with her because you seem to allow her to make it an issue. Stop letting her make the rules.

Fish = It's a privilege. Take the privileged away from her.

Squishes someones face with toy = I never ask a child. I tell them the consistences of their action & do it. Not a lot of talking.

Touches a child at nap time = Remove her from the room & tell her she doesn't get to sleep with the other until her behavior improves. Not a lot of talking either. I make my troublemakers take a nap in the hallway away from other. They do NOT like it.

idk..., it works for me, but I work on zero tolerance when a child knows better. She seems to know right from wrong & is pushing your buttons it appears.
sounds like you need to have a no tolerance stance with her. She is to young to be let make that many choices. she is pushing your buttons cause you let her. If shes on the counter, she feeds the fish and gets down. End of story. She hurts another child she is in her room alone. sorry to sound harsh but Im a no nonsense mom. My real advice is when she is "disobeys" Id spank her but I know lots of people do not do that. so if not you have to set really clear limits and follow through every single time. She has to know exactly what you are going to do if she disobeys you.
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Old 08-21-2013, 02:41 PM
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So I guess you're saying that I have to be the bad guy eh? lol. I know that what I have to do, I just hate feeling like a bad parent because of it. Its so draining.
You are NOT being the bad parent. The opposite is true you are being a GREAT parent because you want to raise a wonderful child who knows her limits and has a calm spirit.
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Old 08-21-2013, 03:08 PM
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with kids like this it's one and done......

I used to get frustrated with my two year old as well...

#1 rule for all kids WE DONT TOUCH ANYONE.......

I have 5-3yr olds and 4-2yr olds....I used to allow touching, it would always start out innocent and nice and then end up that someone hurt the other. SO now we do not touch each other unless I say it is ok.

We always ASK before we touch anything.

i would also try to be a little more proactive than reactive about stuff...

when she earns feeding the fish by being a good listener she can get up there to feed the fish ONLY and then must get down immediately. Since this is where the issue begins after feeding the fish, I would stop her right there and get her down. Dont give her the chance to touch anything else. You already know that she WILL touch something so cut it off right then and there.

Do the same thing about being proactive about everything................Watch for her cues and cut her off before they happen. I know this sounds crazy, but you can do it. Especially with your own child. I know my sons cues, especially when I know he is about to have a melt down or when I see him getting frustrated. As soon as I see him getting frustrated I will go and just give him a big hug and say......I see that you are getting frustrated and could use a big hug to make you feel better. This has really really helped calm him and get him to take a step back before acting out........

This age is such a cute age, but soooooo difficult as they go through so many different phases and growth...

good luck to you, I promise it gets better....
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Old 08-21-2013, 03:31 PM
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So I guess you're saying that I have to be the bad guy eh? lol. I know that what I have to do, I just hate feeling like a bad parent because of it. Its so draining.
My daughter has severe ADHD and with that comes very bad impulse control issues. She also has sensory processing issues etc.

I learned a long time ago, from her psychologist when she was first diagnosed.

PICK YOUR BATTLES.

That small sentence returned my sanity and brought a lot of peace to my house.

With these kids, fighting every battle makes it much worse.

Wen they told me that sentence I thought they were nuts. But I certainly learned how write they were.
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:15 PM
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My daughter has severe ADHD and with that comes very bad impulse control issues. She also has sensory processing issues etc.

I learned a long time ago, from her psychologist when she was first diagnosed.

PICK YOUR BATTLES.

That small sentence returned my sanity and brought a lot of peace to my house.

With these kids, fighting every battle makes it much worse.

Wen they told me that sentence I thought they were nuts. But I certainly learned how write they were.

Absolutely pick your battles! 95% of it doesn't matter, save it for the 5% that does!
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Old 08-21-2013, 07:19 PM
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Just want to say, I'm watching SuperNanny for the first time. Downloaded the first and second season. If any one is familiar Andrea, from season one episode 1, is a glimps into my future. A lot of the things she implements, I already do. But I'm going to consider the chair and work on my stern yet calm voice. I don't have this problem with my dcks, just fyi. It's just her. I can't see who recommended me watching this show but THANKS. It's terrifying and relieving at the same time.
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Old 08-21-2013, 07:40 PM
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Just want to say, I'm watching SuperNanny for the first time. Downloaded the first and second season. If any one is familiar Andrea, from season one episode 1, is a glimps into my future. A lot of the things she implements, I already do. But I'm going to consider the chair and work on my stern yet calm voice. I don't have this problem with my dcks, just fyi. It's just her. I can't see who recommended me watching this show but THANKS. It's terrifying and relieving at the same time.
Me! .
I am glad! I do love her stern voice!! And I know I am much better and more consistent on many things with my dck than my own!! I think it's that 24hour/7day a week part!
Your doing good!! Hang in there

Last edited by Familycare71; 08-21-2013 at 07:41 PM. Reason: Tried to make more sense
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