Default Style Register
Daycare.com Forum
Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Moral Dilemma
guest 11:25 AM 01-16-2014
I am a member but am logged out. I was told this morning about a situation with one of my daycare parents in their personal life that I totally disagree with. To the point that I don't want to keep the kids anymore. What the mother did is wrong and underhanded and makes me not trust her. On top of that, the situation is going to put me in the middle of a mess and I can't just pretend I agree with her about what she did. The worst part is I've known this family all my life. We are not close friends, at least not on my end because I've never known how to take her. Our families are good friends and I'm worried if I terminate care she's going to drag me through the mud because she has a history of doing that to people that get on her bad side. I also keep her family members children. It wouldn't break the bank if I loose all of them, but I like the family members and kids. And the mothers kids too. Another problem is the grandparents go to my church and they think what the mother did is right. And the grandmother picks up both families kids every week. If that explanation isn't too convoluted to understand, can someone give me some advice? I'm in tears over this mess.
Reply
daycarediva 11:28 AM 01-16-2014
I hate dcps who over share.


Without knowing what she did, it's hard to offer advice on what I would do.

If it's something that horrible, can you flat out lie, say you are reducing numbers, filled her (pt?) space with ft? raise her rates if she is lower? I would NOT flat out say "I am terming you after what you said this morning." but if it was THAT awful, I would try and find and out.
Reply
hope 11:34 AM 01-16-2014
Is it possible to ask dcm if you can be left out of the drama or situation? Explain that you need to keep a business relationship and therfore can not get involved.
If she insists that you become involved or if it is a legal matter I suggest contacting an attorney and ask for assistance. You may be able to Draft up a letter to each daycare family explaining that you would like outside legal matters to not affect your business.
Reply
BrooklynM 11:36 AM 01-16-2014
Yeah it's hard to give advice unless we know what she did. Was it illegal? Abusive?
Reply
Annalee 11:39 AM 01-16-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
I hate dcps who over share.


Me, too. I lost a child once because the mom had dated the husband (dad) of a child I had enrolled in my program....They were in their 30's. I do not like DRAMA and told the lady who chose to leave when I would NOT terminate new mom. Granted, this new mom had a bad rep but ended up being one of my most respectful parents because I took care of the child, she paid and that was the extent of our relationship. This is a business!
Reply
Cat Herder 11:47 AM 01-16-2014
Would terminating care help the kids in any way?

Will keeping the kids put your family in danger?
Reply
providerandmomof4 11:49 AM 01-16-2014
I truthfully have never been in your situation. I can say that I try to keep my dcf on a business level and dont care to know personal info unless it affects dc. Also, if I was totally against something they did personally...to the point where I felt like terming. I couldnt worry about the backla
sh. But I would try to protect myself and be ready for it.
Reply
guest 11:51 AM 01-16-2014
She is divorcing her husband. For the second time. Which doesn't surprise me except she just had another baby with him 10 days ago and kicked him out of the house when they got home from the hospital. And she is getting a restraining order against him where he cant see either of his children, even though he's never done anything to deserve one. She says he yells at her. I've not heard him do it, but I wouldn't blame him. I've heard her screaming at him and talking to him like a dog. When I asked why a restraining order I was told because she doesn't want him around. I'm sure his kids feel differently. I feel bad for him. He has always been good to me and my family, gone out of his way at times to help us out. I hate it for him and his kids. And I can't pretend to be on her side about it. The grandmother is the one that told me this morning because they want me on their side. But she didn't want me to say anything to anyone about it, just support her daughter. I can't. She wanted me to lie to the dad if he called and asked me about the kids when they are here. Until I am told otherwise and given legal paperwork stating differently he is on the list of people authorized to pick them up. Fortunately they are not here right now because of the maternity leave, but if they come back I'm going to have to deal with it. It just breaks my heart that she thinks she can keep him from his kids because she doesn't want him around anymore. He is a good dad.
Reply
Unregistered 11:53 AM 01-16-2014
providerandmomof4 I live in a very small town, I know just about everybody. If I only kept people I didnt know Id be out of work. :-)
Reply
Annalee 11:54 AM 01-16-2014
Originally Posted by guest:
She is divorcing her husband. For the second time. Which doesn't surprise me except she just had another baby with him 10 days ago and kicked him out of the house when they got home from the hospital. And she is getting a restraining order against him where he cant see either of his children, even though he's never done anything to deserve one. She says he yells at her. I've not heard him do it, but I wouldn't blame him. I've heard her screaming at him and talking to him like a dog. When I asked why a restraining order I was told because she doesn't want him around. I'm sure his kids feel differently. I feel bad for him. He has always been good to me and my family, gone out of his way at times to help us out. I hate it for him and his kids. And I can't pretend to be on her side about it. The grandmother is the one that told me this morning because they want me on their side. But she didn't want me to say anything to anyone about it, just support her daughter. I can't. She wanted me to lie to the dad if he called and asked me about the kids when they are here. Until I am told otherwise and given legal paperwork stating differently he is on the list of people authorized to pick them up. Fortunately they are not here right now because of the maternity leave, but if they come back I'm going to have to deal with it. It just breaks my heart that she thinks she can keep him from his kids because she doesn't want him around anymore. He is a good dad.
I think I would just tell them what you said "you cannot do what they ask without legal paperwork" and you are there to take care of the child, not get engrossed in the family problems. They may choose to leave after you say this but that will take the issue away from you. Multiple times I have had one parent tell me not to let the other in to pick up but I tell them I have to have legal paperwork and that usually shuts it up quickly.. Good luck!
Reply
Cat Herder 11:55 AM 01-16-2014
This may be an easy one to fix.

"Sorry DCM, the law says I am to let Dad come and go as he pleases with his own kids. In the future I'd appreciate you keeping your personal life on a need to know basis, though. If it does not relate directly to the needs of the children, I don't need to know. Same goes for Dad... got it???"
Reply
BrooklynM 01:43 PM 01-16-2014
In my opinion it is not your place to judge exactly what is going on. Be aware, yes. There will be her side, his side and then the truth. A judge won't put a restraining order on someone who just yells. It would have to be more than that. There is no reason you have to stay on any side at all. To the grandparents all you have to say is- that is too bad, I hope they will both put the kids first. That's it, it's not your place to say anything else. It was not their place to tell you either. You should even state that you don't take sides!

IF the kids do come back in your care after her maternity leave then let them know you will not discuss any of their personal issues, that your house is a place of peace.

Don't get involved, don't tell anyone about it and see what ends up happening. You never have to be on a side when a divorce happens. I hate it when people take sides unless someone is physically abusive or doing something illegal, there should be no sides, only love and support for the kids. You can be really great for the situation because you seem to like the dad. If they went to a new provider, that new provider may take sides and push the dad out. I think that the kids may really benefit from you as a provider especially if you are letting them know that their mommy and daddy loves them! That's what kids really want!
Reply
craftymissbeth 02:07 PM 01-16-2014
Originally Posted by BrooklynM:
In my opinion it is not your place to judge exactly what is going on. Be aware, yes. There will be her side, his side and then the truth. A judge won't put a restraining order on someone who just yells. It would have to be more than that. There is no reason you have to stay on any side at all. To the grandparents all you have to say is- that is too bad, I hope they will both put the kids first. That's it, it's not your place to say anything else. It was not their place to tell you either. You should even state that you don't take sides!

IF the kids do come back in your care after her maternity leave then let them know you will not discuss any of their personal issues, that your house is a place of peace.

Don't get involved, don't tell anyone about it and see what ends up happening. You never have to be on a side when a divorce happens. I hate it when people take sides unless someone is physically abusive or doing something illegal, there should be no sides, only love and support for the kids. You can be really great for the situation because you seem to like the dad. If they went to a new provider, that new provider may take sides and push the dad out. I think that the kids may really benefit from you as a provider especially if you are letting them know that their mommy and daddy loves them! That's what kids really want!


IMO, this has nothing to do with you other than dcm and the grandparent trying to get you to lie and that's an "easy" fix like the others above have said.
Reply
guest 09:28 AM 01-21-2014
I have decided to do exactly like everyone has suggested. I'm not getting involved in their issues. I feel horrible for the dad because he is a great dad and his kids love him. But nothing I do is going to fix the relationship between the parents so I don't want to know anymore about it. I will tell the mom I need the legal paperwork and what is says is what I will go by. fortunately she and I were not close friends so I am not losing a friend over it. From now on, she's a parent like any one else. I really thought about terming them but the kids are going to be the ones suffering if I do that, and they are going to suffer enough with the parents actions. I think I just needed to talk about it to someone. So thanks for listening.
Reply
KidGrind 09:53 AM 01-21-2014
Originally Posted by guest:
I am a member but am logged out. I was told this morning about a situation with one of my daycare parents in their personal life that I totally disagree with. To the point that I don't want to keep the kids anymore. What the mother did is wrong and underhanded and makes me not trust her. On top of that, the situation is going to put me in the middle of a mess and I can't just pretend I agree with her about what she did. The worst part is I've known this family all my life. We are not close friends, at least not on my end because I've never known how to take her. Our families are good friends and I'm worried if I terminate care she's going to drag me through the mud because she has a history of doing that to people that get on her bad side. I also keep her family members children. It wouldn't break the bank if I loose all of them, but I like the family members and kids. And the mothers kids too. Another problem is the grandparents go to my church and they think what the mother did is right. And the grandmother picks up both families kids every week. If that explanation isn't too convoluted to understand, can someone give me some advice? I'm in tears over this mess.
It is not your business. Your morals don’t have to be the same as the parents you allow as clients. My advice if it’s not related to child abuse or neglect try to remove yourself emotionally from the situation. If it concerns the safety of children then report it.

If you can’t detach from her choices, then terminate and move forward. It is not a right fit is the only reason you need to give.

Good luck!
Reply
Reply Up