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  #1  
Old 09-28-2012, 08:45 AM
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Default Career Woman Or Mother??? Question

I don't want to spark a big debate, but this thought came up during my dinner last night and I just wanted to see what others thoughts are on this.....

Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children? Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?

Of course, I am talking about married women, where there is a significant other in the picture......

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad? Keeping it simple, I want to use a mother/father question even though some house holds are two moms or two dads.....

Thanks...just wondering what others thoughts are on this...I deal with this daily....
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:03 AM
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For me, personally, I can't do both 100% at the same time.

If I can't give it 100%, I don't commit to it. What would be the point?

First, I worked for 10 years to afford to stay home after having learned the hard way that I can't do both (pull up any SIDS thread here for back story). Then I had my 2nd and 3rd babies.

I opened the daycare for my own income. I have never kept kids my own childrens ages, so no conflicts. The best of both worlds.

I am almost done with the high school years, now, so will be keeping my eye on the job market changes and am updating my training.

In a few more years I will be back in my old positon, easily, having missed nothing.

When I die my children will remember me fondly and my career position will be filled before my seat is cold. It is what it is.
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
For me, personally, I can't do both 100% at the same time.

If I can't give it 100%, I don't commit to it. What would be the point?

First, I worked for 10 years to afford to stay home after having learned the hard way that I can't do both (pull up any SIDS thread here for back story). Then I had my 2nd and 3rd babies.

I opened the daycare for my own income. I have never kept kids my own childrens ages, so no conflicts. The best of both worlds.

I am almost done with the high school years, now, so will be keeping my eye on the job market changes and am updating my training.

In a few more years I will be back in my old positon, easily, having missed nothing.

When I die my children will remember me fondly and my career position will be filled before my seat is cold. It is what it is.
do you think that it makes a difference if you worked out of the home more while they were infant/toddler vs preteen-teenager??
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:12 AM
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Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children?

I think each mother needs to make the changes in her life (including work) to do whatever SHE (and the father) think is important as far as parenting goes. Some parents place the most value on the first 5 years of life, others feel staying home the whole 18 years is important. I think each mother needs to do what she feels is right. I have seen both mothers who value the staying at home time while their kids are babies and others value being available to their children in later years. There is no one right or wrong here.


Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

I don't think a career or children should ever be "sacrificed" for anything. You need to do what is important to you and if family and children are more important and you chose that over working then it isn't a sacrifice, it is a choice. If you feel work is more important that full time parenting, then that is also a choice. It is only viewed as a sacrifice to those who don't value the same things.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?

ALL children are different and have different needs. It isn't fair or unfair to be in child care and primarily raised by someone other than a parent if that isn't what THAT particualr child needs. It also isn't fair for a child to be at home with their parent 100% of the time with no socialization from others if that isn't what that particular child needs. Again, doing what is right and necessary for EACH child is what matters. There is no one size fits all for kids. or parents.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad?

Again, it depends on the child. Some children need their mom more than their dad and vice versa. I don't think it matters the sex of the primary caregiver as long as ALL the child's needs are being met fully and in a quality manner.

That is my 2 cents.
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:16 AM
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do you think that it makes a difference if you worked out of the home more while they were infant/toddler vs preteen-teenager??
Truthfully, I have no idea.

When I say I can't do both. I really can't. The guilt and nightmares of my first child dying in daycare still eat at me. I have not been able to move past it. Maybe I am not really supposed to?

I do know my every waking moment is taken up with projects, meetings, schedules, SAT preps, tutors and being a crying shoulder for adolescent heartbreaks. I can't bake cupcakes and heal the world anymore..

It has gotten sooooo hard. Blackcat can better answer your question.

I will be leaning on her alot in the next couple years as they start to pull away. I know developmentally it is coming and I am trying to prepare myself for it.
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children?

I think each mother needs to make the changes in her life (including work) to do whatever SHE (and the father) think is important as far as parenting goes. Some parents place the most value on the first 5 years of life, others feel staying home the whole 18 years is important. I think each mother needs to do what she feels is right. I have seen both mothers who value the staying at home time while their kids are babies and others value being available to their children in later years. There is no one right or wrong here.


Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

I don't think a career or children should ever be "sacrificed" for anything. You need to do what is important to you and if family and children are more important and you chose that over working then it isn't a sacrifice, it is a choice. If you feel work is more important that full time parenting, then that is also a choice. It is only viewed as a sacrifice to those who don't value the same things.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?

ALL children are different and have different needs. It isn't fair or unfair to be in child care and primarily raised by someone other than a parent if that isn't what THAT particualr child needs. It also isn't fair for a child to be at home with their parent 100% of the time with no socialization from others if that isn't what that particular child needs. Again, doing what is right and necessary for EACH child is what matters. There is no one size fits all for kids. or parents.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad?

Again, it depends on the child. Some children need their mom more than their dad and vice versa. I don't think it matters the sex of the primary caregiver as long as ALL the child's needs are being met fully and in a quality manner.

That is my 2 cents.
thanks BC I love how neutral all of your answers are..

ON that last question....mom vs dad....if you were working 70+ hour weeks and the care that dad was providing was not suitable for how YOU wanted the children raised, do you think that it would be fair to say that you should then make your schedule so that you can be home more and parent the children the way you want them?
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:31 AM
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Truthfully, I have no idea.

When I say I can't do both. I really can't. The guilt and nightmares of my first child dying in daycare still eat at me. I have not been able to move past it. Maybe I am not really supposed to?

I do know my every waking moment is taken up with projects, meetings, schedules, SAT preps, tutors and being a crying shoulder for adolescent heartbreaks. I can't bake cupcakes and heal the world anymore..

It has gotten sooooo hard. Blackcat can better answer your question.

I will be leaning on her alot in the next couple years as they start to pull away. I know developmentally it is coming and I am trying to prepare myself for it.
ugh you just brought tears to my eyes.......

I also have teenagers and I can relate to so much of your post..... It is hard to let go....as a parent I fear this myself.....don't want to let go to soon and don't want to hold on for too long...

Last night we had some friends over for dinner and I just could not believe the dynamics of their home life.... Mom works 75+hours, dad works 40-50, their kids are in childcare sun up to down. The mom only sees her kids when she drops off at child care and the occasional early night off from the office, which is about once a month. She sat at my kitchen table and threw her hsuband under the bus talking about how horrible of a parent he is and that he does nothing right....BUT the thing that killed me was that these are the kind of people that don't need to work that many hours, but they want to so that they can keep up with the Jones's.... She has to have her jimmy-choo boots and fancy BMW cars and etc.
So many emotions ran through my head. So sad for dad, for the kids and then felt bad that mom never lost her selfish ways as most women do when they become a mother and become selfless.

When they left, I really started to think about this and realized that they were just like every one of my DCF and people that live in my city......

In the end, I think I need to move............lol
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:37 AM
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I don't think there is a right or worng answer. Every family is different. NO I do not believe a mother should have to give up her career if she chooses to have a family

I also believe there are tons of mothers that stay at home that the children would be better off attending a high quality childcare/preschool program.

I think everyone needs to do what is best for their family.
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:47 AM
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thanks BC I love how neutral all of your answers are..

ON that last question....mom vs dad....if you were working 70+ hour weeks and the care that dad was providing was not suitable for how YOU wanted the children raised, do you think that it would be fair to say that you should then make your schedule so that you can be home more and parent the children the way you want them?
No, because parenting is a partnership and I would hope and pray that most couples have discussed the issues and things that parenting a child ensues, BEFORE actually having children.

If that didn't happen before children, then I still think it should be a compromise. What I value as a parent shouldn't over ride what my husband or father of my children values.

If something was going on that I was not happy with at home while I was working, I don't think I would run out and quit my job but what I would do is find a compromise. My way should NOT supercede dad's methods and vice versa.

FWIW~ My answers are not necessarily neutral as I know what I personally value about parenting my children but I would never impose MY personal beliefs or methods onto someone else as the "right" way to parent.

Everyone is different and what one values is not always the same as what others value and I can't say my values are better than anyone else's any more than they can say their parenting styles are better than mine.
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:00 AM
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Give up career? No

But it's also not fair to have a child you have no intention of raising yourself.


By that I mean the parents that work 12 hours a day, by choice, and then have a sitter on the weekends so they can go out and have their own adult/down time. The ones that spend little to no time with their kids and the time that is spent is merely an adult and child hanging out in the same room while the child watches tv.....passive parenting at best.

That is NOT right. And it does tick me off when children are forced to grow up under such circumstances. I don't give a rip if it's what the parent wants, no child wants that for themselves and it's not fair to them.


I literally grew up in daycares myself the first several years of my life and the only thing that made that ok in my mind is because I knew it's what my mom HAD to do as a single parent. It is not what she wanted for me or preferred for us, and that made all the difference in shaping my perspective.

I cannot begin to fathom being a child and feeling like that's the life my mother or father WANTED me to live....or worse (?) merely just didn't care if I did because what they wanted for themselves was more important.



In that case I wonder why people wouldn't just get a dog.
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:02 AM
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I don't know what is right or what is wrong when it comes to women and work because I don't know how much a child is really afffected by all that......BUT IMHO - What is the point of having a child if you are going to drop them off at DC every single day for 10 hours a day and allow someone else to raise them? AND when you do have a day off, you choose to use the time to clean and get your nails done instead of spending quality ime with your child...then in 10 years you wonder why your teenager can't stand to be around you...

Having a child is about teaching them, nurturing them and guiding them...why allow someone else to have that much power over who your precious child will become.

Just my opinion.
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:07 AM
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I agree with BlackCat. It is different for every family. I don't think that mom's always need to stay home; and in this economy sometimes it's absolutely necessary for both parents to be working. As long as they are getting their needs met and love and attention at home; that's all that matters.

I was an only child with a single mom; and a dad that I visited every other weekend. I remember being in daycare, and then before and after school care; from about 6:30 in the morning to 6 at night. That's a long time for a child to be away from their parents in the care of someone else. I resented my mom for it a little bit, but I know now that it was absolutely necessary. She was a single mom, and had to provide for us. I still had all of my needs met, and love and attention when I needed it. I think that I grew up a very well-rounded, strong individual.

I do see the value of having one parent stay at home; which is why I run my daycare now. But I also think my kids would probably be just fine if I had to go out there and work, too. As long as they were getting quality care, and quality time with me when we are together.

There is something wrong with parents who are workaholics, though. It's one thing if working all the time was financially necessary to put food on the table and pay the bills. But, IMO, a parent who works 60+ hours a week just to have enjoy the finer things in life is selfish. Most kids don't care if their parents drive a BMW. I think they'd rather spend more time with their parent!
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:12 AM
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daycare - I'm not sure I could continue to be friends with such a familiy.....or rather they likely wouldn't continue being friends with me after I hit a breaking point and finally told them what I thought about their family "arrangements."


I can hold my tongue on most things that other parents do with their kids that I don't agree with, or even irk me, that though? I think eventually I'd crack under the anger that would bubble up in my heart....and they probably wouldn't be very happy with what I'd have to say about their lifestyle choices coming before their children.



(I could also see myself confronting her about ripping dad apart....I'd probably question how she even knows he's doing such a horrible job seeing as she's obviously never around any of them )
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:41 AM
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It has gotten sooooo hard. Blackcat can better answer your question.

I will be leaning on her alot in the next couple years as they start to pull away. I know developmentally it is coming and I am trying to prepare myself for it.
It doesn't get easier but the denial of it all does

Having your kids grow up and leave the nest is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.....and honestly, I probably haven't really even allowed myself to fully face the fact that is has happened and processed it yet.

I have kind of stiffled how I feel about it because I know in my heart that the feelings I have are based on the selfish need of a mother to always want to keep her children under her wing safe and sound.

I know I gave my children the necessary tools to survive in this big bad world but they are still my children and even if they were in their 50ies, my heart would still ache for them to be little and still under my watchful eye as that is just how I feel.

I am pretty close with both my kids but it is hard to think of them not being home and needing me like they used to. They do still need me and I appreciate that they do, but it is a different kind of need (some better/some not so much) and that is ok too because now is when the "friendship" part comes in and I am actually able to be a "friend before a parent" with my children.

Sorry...Daycare...didn't mean to hi-jack your thread
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:50 AM
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It doesn't get easier but the denial of it all does

Having your kids grow up and leave the nest is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.....and honestly, I probably haven't really even allowed myself to fully face the fact that is has happened and processed it yet.

I have kind of stiffled how I feel about it because I know in my heart that the feelings I have are based on the selfish need of a mother to always want to keep her children under her wing safe and sound.

I know I gave my children the necessary tools to survive in this big bad world but they are still my children and even if they were in their 50ies, my heart would still ache for them to be little and still under my watchful eye as that is just how I feel.

I am pretty close with both my kids but it is hard to think of them not being home and needing me like they used to. They do still need me and I appreciate that they do, but it is a different kind of need (some better/some not so much) and that is ok too because now is when the "friendship" part comes in and I am actually able to be a "friend before a parent" with my children.

Sorry...Daycare...didn't mean to hi-jack your thread
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I loved this.....I will soon be there too and every word you said holds so much truth..

thank you for sharing that...
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:54 AM
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I remember when I worked outside of the home. I worked afternoons from 2-10pm. Dh would work the day shift plus overtime. I would bring my dd to my mothers house so she can eat and take a nap and then I would go to work, dh would pick up and have dinner at my mothers house. The only time I had as a mother was the few hours in the morning, but the morning was so chiaotic trying to catch up on everything. Weekends, forget, I had to work weekends too. I felt that work made me so rushed, everything was a rush, hurry hurry hurry.

so when I had dd #2, I went back to work part time and tried to accomadate my dh's schedual. They wouldn't do it. I quit after going back for 2 weeks.

I'm going to tell you that you can not have the best of both worlds, someone will suffer and its usually the kids.

I found that my kids have benefited from me being home so much its crazy. I just don't understand how people who work outside the house function, oh wait I do, its not pretty.

and my kids are going to remember all the good stuff about me being home and how many warm cookies I make them when they come home from school instead of coming to a empty house. If I would have stayed at work, they would have replaced me the second i retired.

does it make a difference between mom and dad. I think it does. My back up is the sole provider (her ex is a loser) so the kids see all the things that a mom can do, even do the stuff a dad would do.

oh I acually keep up with the jones, the only difference is that all my stuff is second hand lol!
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:58 AM
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daycare - I'm not sure I could continue to be friends with such a familiy.....or rather they likely wouldn't continue being friends with me after I hit a breaking point and finally told them what I thought about their family "arrangements."


I can hold my tongue on most things that other parents do with their kids that I don't agree with, or even irk me, that though? I think eventually I'd crack under the anger that would bubble up in my heart....and they probably wouldn't be very happy with what I'd have to say about their lifestyle choices coming before their children.



(I could also see myself confronting her about ripping dad apart....I'd probably question how she even knows he's doing such a horrible job seeing as she's obviously never around any of them )
Willow.....

Trust me when i tell you that these are not people that I would choose to be friends with, however, this is a very good friend of my husbands. They have been friends for almost 30 years.

I love the man, the wife however, is a typical should I say crazy California label %hore. I really don't care for her much as a mother, but she is a nice person. I just try my hardest to be nice to her out of respect for my husbands best friend. I think I did bite a hole in my cheek last night holding back all of my words at the tip of my tongue.

Like others have said, I could see and understand that if this family was working this hard just to keep a roof over their head and food on the table, then I would get it...But to see that SHE is doing it out of the mere selfishness that she thinks they need to have every bell, whistle and then some makes me want to PUKE................

What's even more sad, is that majorty of my DCK are exactly in the same situation. Just this morning during circle time when we were doing the calendar I told the kids tomorrow is saturday and you will be home with mommy and daddy. A kid asked do we come back on sunday and so I pointed to all of the days of the week and clearly spelled out to them that 5 days a week they are with me and 2 days a week with mommy and daddy.... Two of the kids said wow miss N. 5 is more than 2 and so we come here more than home.......UGH MY heart sank.... Of course I don't think they know what that really means.....BUT in the end, if these parents did not work 5 days a week, I would not have a job, so it does go both ways
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:01 AM
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I remember when I worked outside of the home. I worked afternoons from 2-10pm. Dh would work the day shift plus overtime. I would bring my dd to my mothers house so she can eat and take a nap and then I would go to work, dh would pick up and have dinner at my mothers house. The only time I had as a mother was the few hours in the morning, but the morning was so chiaotic trying to catch up on everything. Weekends, forget, I had to work weekends too. I felt that work made me so rushed, everything was a rush, hurry hurry hurry.

so when I had dd #2, I went back to work part time and tried to accomadate my dh's schedual. They wouldn't do it. I quit after going back for 2 weeks.

I'm going to tell you that you can not have the best of both worlds, someone will suffer and its usually the kids.

I found that my kids have benefited from me being home so much its crazy. I just don't understand how people who work outside the house function, oh wait I do, its not pretty.

and my kids are going to remember all the good stuff about me being home and how many warm cookies I make them when they come home from school instead of coming to a empty house. If I would have stayed at work, they would have replaced me the second i retired.

does it make a difference between mom and dad. I think it does. My back up is the sole provider (her ex is a loser) so the kids see all the things that a mom can do, even do the stuff a dad would do.

oh I acually keep up with the jones, the only difference is that all my stuff is second hand lol!
love your thoughts....... and I keep up with the jone's too....through ross clothing, good will and garage sales.... But my kids always have me and I know that no label or material thing would make them happier than that...............
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:26 AM
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Give up career? No

But it's also not fair to have a child you have no intention of raising yourself.


By that I mean the parents that work 12 hours a day, by choice, and then have a sitter on the weekends so they can go out and have their own adult/down time. The ones that spend little to no time with their kids and the time that is spent is merely an adult and child hanging out in the same room while the child watches tv.....passive parenting at best.

That is NOT right. And it does tick me off when children are forced to grow up under such circumstances. I don't give a rip if it's what the parent wants, no child wants that for themselves and it's not fair to them.


I literally grew up in daycares myself the first several years of my life and the only thing that made that ok in my mind is because I knew it's what my mom HAD to do as a single parent. It is not what she wanted for me or preferred for us, and that made all the difference in shaping my perspective.

I cannot begin to fathom being a child and feeling like that's the life my mother or father WANTED me to live....or worse (?) merely just didn't care if I did because what they wanted for themselves was more important.



In that case I wonder why people wouldn't just get a dog.
I hear you, but I think it is a parents choice. It is not my choice, but I have some good parents that are active and might not fit into the "mold" you are speaking of. They live differently. They provide for their kids what they think is best. They want College for the kids so they work hard, they play hard too, they are balancing life for what works best for them and the family and what they want. They love their children and they have a family dog too.<----just saying not trying to have this come across as sarcastic, as it reads. will write out more later if I get a chance, break is over for me
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:29 AM
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I haven't read a thing! This is definetly a naptime read and promise I will. Looks very, very interesting-
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:48 AM
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Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children? Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

No. In this country it's "every man/woman for themselves" and women who don't work for money often end up eating cat food when they are elderly. Unfortunately, raising your children is not viewed as worthwhile because it's not a paid profession - we worship at the alter of the almighty dollar. There isn't much sympathy for elderly women living in poverty Women with "flex" schedules are often overlooked for promotions and raises.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?
Who said life was fair? Poor women have to work for survival and their kids are in day care/with relatives all day long. The care most career women secure for their children is usually top notch care.

Of course, I am talking about married women, where there is a significant other in the picture......
What if the father dies, or more statistically likely, leaves her?It's very hard to jump back into the workforce. And many people are so underinsured that it's ridiculous. And even if they have some life insurance, they would still need health insurance. Part of having children is being able to provide basics, and while this woman seems to be dripping in unnecessary labels, if something were to happen to her husband, she would still be able provide for her kids.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad? Keeping it simple, I want to use a mother/father question even though some house holds are two moms or two dads..... I don't think it matters.

Truthfully your friend's wife sounds like a shrew, but not because she works so much. Just because she's a shrew Honestly, I chose to work at home so I can be with my children. But my priorities are not everyone else's. Thank goodness or I wouldn't have a job
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:06 PM
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Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children? Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

No. In this country it's "every man/woman for themselves" and women who don't work for money often end up eating cat food when they are elderly. Unfortunately, raising your children is not viewed as worthwhile because it's not a paid profession - we worship at the alter of the almighty dollar. There isn't much sympathy for elderly women living in poverty Women with "flex" schedules are often overlooked for promotions and raises.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?
Who said life was fair? Poor women have to work for survival and their kids are in day care/with relatives all day long. The care most career women secure for their children is usually top notch care.

Of course, I am talking about married women, where there is a significant other in the picture......
What if the father dies, or more statistically likely, leaves her?It's very hard to jump back into the workforce. And many people are so underinsured that it's ridiculous. And even if they have some life insurance, they would still need health insurance. Part of having children is being able to provide basics, and while this woman seems to be dripping in unnecessary labels, if something were to happen to her husband, she would still be able provide for her kids.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad? Keeping it simple, I want to use a mother/father question even though some house holds are two moms or two dads..... I don't think it matters.

Truthfully your friend's wife sounds like a shrew, but not because she works so much. Just because she's a shrew Honestly, I chose to work at home so I can be with my children. But my priorities are not everyone else's. Thank goodness or I wouldn't have a job
lol...is a shrew a breed of mouse?? lol

Yes I would have to agree with you if that is what that means....In this situation, it is so very sad that the mother is this way.... Like you said, everyone has different obsticals that they may be faced with like that of a father's death. But to work just so you can have material things and for go any quality time with your children that SUCKS.....BUT I will say, I am not mad at her for not being the person I wish she was....I just don't like her.... hahahahahah
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:31 PM
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lol...is a shrew a breed of mouse?? lol

Yes I would have to agree with you if that is what that means....In this situation, it is so very sad that the mother is this way.... Like you said, everyone has different obsticals that they may be faced with like that of a father's death. But to work just so you can have material things and for go any quality time with your children that SUCKS.....BUT I will say, I am not mad at her for not being the person I wish she was....I just don't like her.... hahahahahah
Ha! No, not a mouse The kind that screeches and screams and is never happy kind of shrew

But I tend not to be friendly with people like that, only because we would really have nothing in common, you know?
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:38 PM
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My DH and I had a similar conversation over the weekend. When we move, I will not be doing daycare anymore as we will be living in a small apartment to start with and frankly I need a break from it for a while or forever. I've been looking at jobs and agonizing over whether or not I was going to be ok with putting DS in daycare. I'm sure he would survive and we would try to make it as part time as possible but the thought makes me sick.

I recently became a Pampered Chef Consultant after talking it over with my cousin who has been doing it for 6 years. She started when her youngest was a baby because it was either sell PC or work and put her son in DC. She loves it and it has made a fabulous income for their now family of 4.

Anyway, DH was telling me that although he supports me selling PC. He doesn't he why I don't want to get a real job outside of the house now. And wouldnt that make me feel better about myself? Having a career like other moms instead of being a SAHM?

This floored me. I told him that my job is being a mom first and foremost. Would people maybe see me differently if I had a successful career? Well, I am sure they would but I want to be seen by my child and future children as a wonderful mother who was always there. I want to raise my kids and not put them in daycare while I work 40 hours or more a week. I want my kids to look back and not remember me working all the time and coming home to an empty house. But always being there when they got off the bus. Not having to wait in the nurses office when they are sick at school for me to beg my boss to let me leave. I want to be able to be right there.

When my husband looks back on his childhood he sees a single mom working 3 jobs to keep a roof over her 3 kids head. That is commendable yes. But he also sees no family meals at the kitchen table, mom was never home, mom never said I love you or gave hugs or kisses. Mom was never there. He says he turned out fine raising himself and being babysat by Sesame Street and video games. But when I look at my husband i see a man who is unaffectionate, cold, hurt, and guarded. When I wrap my arms around him after he is home from work he stiffens up like a board. He can't have relationships with other people because if they are kind to him he wonders what their alterior motives are. He spent the better part of the evening of this conversation in tears asking me why he can't fit in anywhere. Honestly, honey? It's because youre unapproachable.

When I look back on my childhood.. my mom was home when I got home from school (she worked from home as doing accounts recievable for a hospital for a while before coming a total SAHM). She would have us do our homework and be there to help us. Have dinner on the table for a family meal every night. Kiss us, love up on us, make us feel like a million dollars.

Hmm, where was I going with this? Oh yes. So, I don't see a career making or breaking me as a person. If people think I'm lazy because I'm a SAHM come take a walk in my shoes. I can't fathom putting DS into daycare.

Being a mom has always been my dream and that comes first

With that being said, I know that families do need the two incomes. Or like in my DH case single mom needed to work. But I do believe being there is important.

Sorry for the tangent! These thoughts were swimming around in my head after reading this thread and I had to write them down!
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:56 PM
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a little off subject, but not too much...

At a point in my life, I was a single mother working tail end off daily to make ends meet, put food on the table and clothes on my kids. I dropped out of college and did everything that I could. Both of my kids (very very young) grew up in daycare all day. If not at daycare, at a baby sitter house after daycare so I could work my second or sometimes third job.
I felt horrible daily as I loaded up my car to drop them off. Well luckly for me about 3 years of being a single mom I met the most amazing man and I married him. This would be the first time since my kids were ages 4 and 2 that they would get to see what it was like to be a real family with both parents living together. I of course jumped for joy that I was able to only have to work one job BUT how I ended up doing daycare was what I found one day while I was cleaning out a box in my garage...


My son had a kindergarten project that he did in class and it was a huge mural that was all about me type thing. He had to draw pictures of himself and his family in labeled boxes............... In the box that said "my family" he drew a picture of himself, his sister and the babysitter.................. For some reason, I had never seen this before that day.............I literally dropped to the floor crying and felt like I was the worst person on earth. I tired not to take it personal, but I did. About 3 months later, I had my own childcare from my home and I spent every waking hour that I possibly could with my kids.

I am still this way today and I do everything that I can to make my little ones (im including my teens too, they are still my little ones) understand that I am always here for them no matter what and am trying my best to do everything I can to really get to know my children.....

ugh anyways not sure where I was going with this, but just wanted to share
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Old 09-28-2012, 01:41 PM
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I believe any mom that works is a career woman. Most woman that work are going to be away from their kids for some time in some fashion.

I'm a career woman and I work inside my home. Yes, my kids see me but not alot. I'm working before they get up and for a couple hours after they get home. I'm very cautious in intertwinging them with my dcks. So alot of times they are in another part of the house until I'm done. Even when I had them with me in the childcare they were still having to be in childcare. It wasn't like they had mom 100% to themselves.

About 2-3 times a month I have meetings in the evenings that take me away from the family and then classes that I take. Then there is tons of cleaning, shopping, errands to run to get ready for the coming week. I probably average 10-15 hours on the weekends with it. So in total I probably work 65-70 hours a week with my career (sometimes more). Yes, my children may be there with me but I'm still doing things with my work-they are just tagging along.

I sometimes think (my kids are older but still at home) that they may actually do somewhat better if I worked outside the home. I know what I want to do but cannot afford to take a huge paycut right now. Anyway, it would be working in the schools so I would still be here for them before/after school and days off. Why do I think they would be better-I wouldn't be working continuasly for my business, for other kids, trying to keep up business so I have kids enrolled. I would be doing things for my family, not the childcare.

I really do love my job and pour 110% of myself into it. That is where the problem lies though. I have never been a great balancer. I either can do my business to the full extent or my family but not both. When I did just preschool and everyone was gone by 12:00 my family thrived and I was able to be a mom! When I do preschool/fulltime childcare that is what I'm almost consumed with and I can't spend the time I need to with my family.

Also, I don't have the perks that moms that work outside the home do-I can't work through lunch and take off early. I can't run do the school on my lunch hour and spend it with my child for his program. I have to bring the entire childcare to my childs classroom for parties/programs because I had no sub. My child just wanted me at the school, not my job.

So, am I wrong for working 65-70 hours? Not sure, but I know my job requires it to keep it going and to keep my name out there. Its not just a 8 or 9 hour day for me. I guess my point is even though I work at home, my kids are here, I still work many, many hours that we would flame a mom for doing if she worked outside the home. So, is it still wrong because I work at home or not?
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Old 09-28-2012, 01:53 PM
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I believe any mom that works is a career woman. Most woman that work are going to be away from their kids for some time in some fashion.

I'm a career woman and I work inside my home. Yes, my kids see me but not alot. I'm working before they get up and for a couple hours after they get home. I'm very cautious in intertwinging them with my dcks. So alot of times they are in another part of the house until I'm done. Even when I had them with me in the childcare they were still having to be in childcare. It wasn't like they had mom 100% to themselves.

About 2-3 times a month I have meetings in the evenings that take me away from the family and then classes that I take. Then there is tons of cleaning, shopping, errands to run to get ready for the coming week. I probably average 10-15 hours on the weekends with it. So in total I probably work 65-70 hours a week with my career (sometimes more). Yes, my children may be there with me but I'm still doing things with my work-they are just tagging along.

I sometimes think (my kids are older but still at home) that they may actually do somewhat better if I worked outside the home. I know what I want to do but cannot afford to take a huge paycut right now. Anyway, it would be working in the schools so I would still be here for them before/after school and days off. Why do I think they would be better-I wouldn't be working continuasly for my business, for other kids, trying to keep up business so I have kids enrolled. I would be doing things for my family, not the childcare.

I really do love my job and pour 110% of myself into it. That is where the problem lies though. I have never been a great balancer. I either can do my business to the full extent or my family but not both. When I did just preschool and everyone was gone by 12:00 my family thrived and I was able to be a mom! When I do preschool/fulltime childcare that is what I'm almost consumed with and I can't spend the time I need to with my family.

Also, I don't have the perks that moms that work outside the home do-I can't work through lunch and take off early. I can't run do the school on my lunch hour and spend it with my child for his program. I have to bring the entire childcare to my childs classroom for parties/programs because I had no sub. My child just wanted me at the school, not my job.

So, am I wrong for working 65-70 hours? Not sure, but I know my job requires it to keep it going and to keep my name out there. Its not just a 8 or 9 hour day for me. I guess my point is even though I work at home, my kids are here, I still work many, many hours that we would flame a mom for doing if she worked outside the home. So, is it still wrong because I work at home or not?
I dont see either being wrong, but like one said it is a choice, as is everything else in life.

YOU and I are very similar in a lot of ways, having our heads 120% in our business. BUT, my teens never come home to an empty house. Yes, I am still working when they get home sometimes, (not always because they come home so late) but I can hear all about their day, they can see their little brother, they can hug me and I can see that they are always ok. I never worry about them coming home to an empty house, haivng to wonder if they are up to mischief.

When I do things for the childcare, I include my kids. We all painted a wall mural together last month and we all had a blast doing it. We shop for sensory bin ideas, even my oldest son. In fact, he made me the fishing line art set up for the preschool room. I try my hardest to work as a team even though it's not always what my children want to do. BUt if you help me, then I help you. I love taking them to their activities when I can, most of the time I can't. But you bet your butt I am at every single thing I can get to.

I do think that it is different in the end for us CK, because even though we are working a ton of hours and can't be at every event like some working outside of the home can. WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are.......and I have to say you sound like an amazing mother who NEEDS to stop beating herself up trying to be superwoman..... All that matters is that you try...............

Awwee I wanna hug you right now......lol
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Old 09-28-2012, 02:21 PM
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Mine do help occasionally but are getting to the point where the noise drives them absolutely crazy. My one child ran home for lunch yesterday and left early because the kids weren't sleeping and just being ridiculously loud. Wouldn't be quiet for anything.

Another child holes themselves up in my room just to get away from it all till they all leave because they just can't handle the crying/whining/loud talking/etc. This child has been like this since they were little though.

My own hubs makes lunch stops as quick as possible because it just riles everyone up. So even though I'm here, my family really has a hard time being here while I'm working. They will actually comment on how quiet it turns when the last child leaves!

Even when everyone is being really good and everything is flowing smoothly, my family still doesn't like to be here. I think childcare is a little to much for them even though I've done it for soooooooooooo looooooooonnnnnnnnggggg.
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Old 09-29-2012, 07:52 PM
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I dont see either being wrong, but like one said it is a choice, as is everything else in life.

YOU and I are very similar in a lot of ways, having our heads 120% in our business. BUT, my teens never come home to an empty house. Yes, I am still working when they get home sometimes, (not always because they come home so late) but I can hear all about their day, they can see their little brother, they can hug me and I can see that they are always ok. I never worry about them coming home to an empty house, haivng to wonder if they are up to mischief.

When I do things for the childcare, I include my kids. We all painted a wall mural together last month and we all had a blast doing it. We shop for sensory bin ideas, even my oldest son. In fact, he made me the fishing line art set up for the preschool room. I try my hardest to work as a team even though it's not always what my children want to do. BUt if you help me, then I help you. I love taking them to their activities when I can, most of the time I can't. But you bet your butt I am at every single thing I can get to.

I do think that it is different in the end for us CK, because even though we are working a ton of hours and can't be at every event like some working outside of the home can. WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are.......and I have to say you sound like an amazing mother who NEEDS to stop beating herself up trying to be superwoman..... All that matters is that you try...............

Awwee I wanna hug you right now......lol

"WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are......."

Sorry, I think this comment is really, really judgmental. I worked outside the home until my oldest was about 5, then started daycare when number two came along. My son went to daycare, not 50 or 60 hours a week or anything, but he did go. The one thing I can tell you this....

I raised my son. It is really offensive when daycare providers suggest that we are raising someone's child...we may partner with parents, just as teachers and coaches do...but to say that you are raising them? That really inflates your role in their lives and diminishes the parent. Not cool.
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Old 09-29-2012, 10:28 PM
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"WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are......."

Sorry, I think this comment is really, really judgmental. I worked outside the home until my oldest was about 5, then started daycare when number two came along. My son went to daycare, not 50 or 60 hours a week or anything, but he did go. The one thing I can tell you this....

I raised my son. It is really offensive when daycare providers suggest that we are raising someone's child...we may partner with parents, just as teachers and coaches do...but to say that you are raising them? That really inflates your role in their lives and diminishes the parent. Not cool.
I was not directing it towards anyone, I was having a conversation with her.....
And I'm basing it off of those mothers who choose to work crazy unnecessary hours because they need prada boots or material things, when they could be spending time with their children but instead have them In child care for 50+ hours a week and then Dont even bother to spend time with them on the weekends.

My response to country was not defining all mothers. Trust me I have some great daycare parents and I have experienced a few that basically told me that they didn't realize having kids was going to be so hard and pretty much asked me to have their kids until right before they went to bed.

Sorry, didn't mean to offend you
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Old 09-29-2012, 10:39 PM
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DCM on Friday says to me at pick up, "Breezy, I don't waaaaaant to take care of him." And then says to dcb "Wouldn't you rather just stay here??" Your child is here 53 hours a week!!!
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Old 09-30-2012, 05:35 AM
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"WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are......."

Sorry, I think this comment is really, really judgmental. I worked outside the home until my oldest was about 5, then started daycare when number two came along. My son went to daycare, not 50 or 60 hours a week or anything, but he did go. The one thing I can tell you this....

I raised my son. It is really offensive when daycare providers suggest that we are raising someone's child...we may partner with parents, just as teachers and coaches do...but to say that you are raising them? That really inflates your role in their lives and diminishes the parent. Not cool.
Just because someone says something, doesn't mean by default that it automatically applies to you.

Like it or not, in some families, the child IS being raised by the daycare provider, in others they are being raised by a nanny, or their grandparents, or even by their own siblings.

Just because a parents is in the same room as a child every once in awhile doesn't mean by a long shot that any parenting is taking place.

My ex may have my kids every other weekend but that doesn't mean he is doing anything to help raise them. Parents who work literally all day only to put their child right to sleep with no love or affection swapped, then snagging a sitter for them on the weekends to boot are NOT being raised by their "parent."

Raising a child entails selflessness and intent, some "parents" truly have no concept of either when it comes to their offspring in which case the task falls to someone else....hopefully anyway, for the sake of the child. They deserve someone who cares about them enough to give them the time they need to learn the things they need to learn about life, or at the very least someone who will try their darnedest despite having limited resources and time.

Those who refuse to even try are NOT raising their kids.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:43 PM
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Just because someone says something, doesn't mean by default that it automatically applies to you.

Like it or not, in some families, the child IS being raised by the daycare provider, in others they are being raised by a nanny, or their grandparents, or even by their own siblings.

Just because a parents is in the same room as a child every once in awhile doesn't mean by a long shot that any parenting is taking place.

My ex may have my kids every other weekend but that doesn't mean he is doing anything to help raise them. Parents who work literally all day only to put their child right to sleep with no love or affection swapped, then snagging a sitter for them on the weekends to boot are NOT being raised by their "parent."

Raising a child entails selflessness and intent, some "parents" truly have no concept of either when it comes to their offspring in which case the task falls to someone else....hopefully anyway, for the sake of the child. They deserve someone who cares about them enough to give them the time they need to learn the things they need to learn about life, or at the very least someone who will try their darnedest despite having limited resources and time.

Those who refuse to even try are NOT raising their kids.
LOL! Just because someone finds something offensive, does not mean that they believe it applies to them. I am equally offended when people make comments against gays or people of color. I did daycare for ten years, now I work for the school district. I am home when my kids are home; thats what works for us.

Again, I don't believe that daycare providers "raise" other peoples children. They may have crappy parents, and truly nothing makes me sadder, but their parents will be the ones who raise them or fail to do so.

I've also known people who worked their butts off, left kids in daycare much longer than I'd be comfortable with, but they loved their kids and raised them the best that they could at the time; and I was happy to help. Still, I didn't raise their children.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:52 PM
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I was not directing it towards anyone, I was having a conversation with her.....
And I'm basing it off of those mothers who choose to work crazy unnecessary hours because they need prada boots or material things, when they could be spending time with their children but instead have them In child care for 50+ hours a week and then Dont even bother to spend time with them on the weekends.

My response to country was not defining all mothers. Trust me I have some great daycare parents and I have experienced a few that basically told me that they didn't realize having kids was going to be so hard and pretty much asked me to have their kids until right before they went to bed.

Sorry, didn't mean to offend you
*

I know that you didn't direct it towards me. I just think that when we say we are raising someones child, we are really overstating our role. I also think that there is alot we end up knowing about a family (usually a whole lot more than we want to know) but there is often a bunch we don't know. We can feel good about ourselves as Moms for whatever unique quality we bring to parenting...I just don't think we need to go to the, "...well, at least WE don't ________" place. KWIM?
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Old 07-27-2019, 11:34 AM
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Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children?

I think each mother needs to make the changes in her life (including work) to do whatever SHE (and the father) think is important as far as parenting goes. Some parents place the most value on the first 5 years of life, others feel staying home the whole 18 years is important. I think each mother needs to do what she feels is right. I have seen both mothers who value the staying at home time while their kids are babies and others value being available to their children in later years. There is no one right or wrong here.


Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

I don't think a career or children should ever be "sacrificed" for anything. You need to do what is important to you and if family and children are more important and you chose that over working then it isn't a sacrifice, it is a choice. If you feel work is more important that full time parenting, then that is also a choice. It is only viewed as a sacrifice to those who don't value the same things.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?

ALL children are different and have different needs. It isn't fair or unfair to be in child care and primarily raised by someone other than a parent if that isn't what THAT particualr child needs. It also isn't fair for a child to be at home with their parent 100% of the time with no socialization from others if that isn't what that particular child needs. Again, doing what is right and necessary for EACH child is what matters. There is no one size fits all for kids. or parents.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad?

Again, it depends on the child. Some children need their mom more than their dad and vice versa. I don't think it matters the sex of the primary caregiver as long as ALL the child's needs are being met fully and in a quality manner.

That is my 2 cents.
I really appreciate the person who answered these questions especially the one about the primary care giver meeting the needs of the child regardless of what there gender is.

I myself am a mom who settled on an agreement with my child's dad, that he'd be the primary caregiver. We were never married together, and he got married when my child was about three years old. I thought about my child's needs, resources, and the environment that would be right for her. It all just made sense that my child would stay with him and the step mother, especially because he had a huge supportive family for my child (including cousins in her age group and a sibling on the way to play with; I myself had no other children). In despite of the decision being in the best interest of my child, I still received a lot of shaming from a few people who feel that a child should always be with a mom. So I thank you for focusing on the needs of the child rather than the gender of the parent.
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