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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Need Help Giving a Parent 2 Weeks Notice for Aggressive Child
cnjmom 09:59 AM 10-01-2010
I have a 17 month old that I need to terminate and am not sure what the process is.
He hits, bites, slaps and grabs. He does this to me, the other kids, objects and even himself. He is not walking or talking yet, and does not respond to any kind of verbal command, so I have to physically remove him from situations all day.
I am a stay at home Mom that just watches a few kiddos so it's pretty informal here. I think a letter would come off wierd.
I have told the Mom about the behavior problems several times in the last few weeks. Her only answer is that she doesn't see anything like that at home.
Besides the agression, he isn't retaining anything, so he isn't remembering or learning from past mistakes. (i.e don't turn your lunch plate upside down) So I am dealing with the same problems everyday.
She is aware of the situation here but doesn't seem to want to come up with any ideas to help me. She tells me in so many words, that it is my problem and I need to fix it.
She is very defensive and argumentitive.
What is the best way to handle letting the child go??
QualiTcare 10:17 AM 10-01-2010
she thinks it's your problem and you need to fix it?

tell her she needs to find someone else to watch her kid and when she says she doesn't have anyone - tell her that's her problem and she'll have to fix it!

seriously....i know what you mean about a letter coming off weird in a small, informal setting. you're really going to have to just get the courage to come out and tell her. if she is defensive and argumentative, my guess is that she won't bring him back after you give her a 2 week notice. OR she will bring him back if she has nowhere else to take him, but she'll be rude to you, and you may not get the money you are owed.
SilverSabre25 10:30 AM 10-01-2010
17 months and not walking or talking...I'm guessing there's something more going on. Especially because you mention that he doesn't respond to verbal commands--that says to me that his receptive language is delayed, as well as his expressive language and his gross motor abilities. 17 months is a little young to "retain" anything, especially if his language skills are delayed, which it sounds like they might be.

The aggression is likely related to whatever issue is going on that's delaying the language skills and the gross motor skills. Has the mom ever expressed any concern over his delays? If not, rather than terming him...I'd honestly tell her that you're concerned about his milestones and think that perhaps a call to your state's Early Intervention program is in order. You could even get a "Milestone Checklist" or something and take inventory of where his skills are right now, and get the information for you state's version of Early Intervention. Stress that it never hurts to have an evaluation to find out what they think--and if there is something wrong, then intervention sooner rather than later is the way to go.
cnjmom 10:39 AM 10-01-2010
I definitely agree that there are some major developmental delays. The Mom actually had a Dr. appt. scheduled because he isn't walking yet, but he apparently took a few steps at home, and she thinks he'll progress quickly now, so she cancelled it. I get the impression she may be in denial a bit.
cnjmom 11:00 AM 10-01-2010
Anyone else have a formal verbal way to let the Mom know?
tymaboy 12:55 PM 10-01-2010
The best way to do it is be honest & open. Point out that its what best for the other children in your care.

Even if your informal I would still make sure to have a policy & a contract. It makes times like this easier (along with other situations) In the past I have always talked to the parent & given them a form at the end of our agreement (whether it has been my choose or theirs) That way I have a paper trail & there is no questions about it later down the road. Plus I have heard of parents giving notice then changing their mind right before their end date arrives & the provider had already filled the spot. Then the parent gets mad cuz they did not put it writing so they think it should not have counted. This way when it is on paper there is no going back.
grandmom 01:07 PM 10-01-2010
When you tell her, you might let her know it breaks your heart to do this, but for the safety of the other children you don't have a choice. Also that you don't have the training (assuming this might be the case) to provide the care he needs. Then wish her well.

Of course she doesn't see these behaviors at home. Home is not daycare. With other children sharing his mom's attention.
MarinaVanessa 01:23 PM 10-01-2010
I would say something like....

"As we have talked about, DCB has been aggresive towards the other kids here and does not behave. Since you have said that you have not seen any behavior like this at home I can only assume that the reason he is behaving like this is because he is not comfortable here and is not adjusting well. I have been working with him everyday that he is here and have not seen any improvement and so I have to let him go. His last day of care will be [date]."

Stay away from "I'm so sorry but ...", "I hate to do this...", I wish I didn't have to do this...".

If they pay weekly at the end of the week ask for payment today no matter what and if you are giving a 2 weeks notice ask for payment in advance or you won't watch the child. I'm assuming you have no contract and if I'm right you don't have to give them notice at all. You could tell her that today will be his last day. I don't know how comfortable you are with that though, since that will leave them in a tight spot.
Live and Learn 01:26 PM 10-01-2010
I completely agree with grand mom.
To use a "love and logic" phrase "so sad,too bad"
So sad that he is behaving this way, too bad cuz now he can't stay with you anymore due safety concerns for the other little ones and yourself. It has been my experience if you don't weed out the hitters and biters they teach the rest of the group to act naughty.
Live and Learn 01:38 PM 10-01-2010
Oops I meant to say ...make sure she is current with fees and has paid for the final two weeks before you provide care.....and before you term. After that just make it clear that you have a no hit policy and that you have tried your best to curb his behavior for some time now and for the safety of your other little ones you can no longer provide care. Don't say you are sorry. His behavior isn't your fault.
cnjmom 03:09 PM 10-01-2010
Okay so I talked to her this afternoon, here is what I said:

I have done everything I feel that I can do. I am going to have to give you my 2 week notice. He isn't repsonding to verbal commands so I have to physically remove him for every situation where he may cause harm to himself or others. I'm not sure what else I can do, but I can't let my own children be uncomfortable in their own home, and I can't send other children home with scratches and bite marks. I'm sorry.

Her response: "We will see you Monday." And then she walked out. Nothing more. Now I am dreading Monday. I would rather have had her yell or defend him or something. I feel like the conversation isn't finished. What do I say Monday when she drops him off??
MyAngels 04:51 PM 10-01-2010
Originally Posted by cnjmom:
What do I say Monday when she drops him off??
If it were me, I would say, "If you find another provider for little Johnny who can take him before the 15th, please feel free to make the change, and I will refund the tuition that you've paid for that time," with a nice, helpful smile, of course.
MommyMuffin 06:52 PM 10-01-2010
Maybe she is used to it (being given 2 week notices for behavior)and knew it was coming and thats why she didnt say anything.
SilverSabre25 07:01 PM 10-01-2010
Good for you! It's sad that she's in denial about the delays, but unfortunately that's the way it goes sometimes. It sounds like you handled it just fine. She may be the type who it takes things awhile to sink in before she gets upset. Good luck though...she might keep herself in denial about this too and just pretend it didn't happen!

(okay, kinda joking...but yet kinda not!)
cnjmom 07:15 PM 10-01-2010
You ladies are really helpful. I really appreciate the input and advice. Thank you.
QualiTcare 09:34 PM 10-02-2010
i'm curious about the payment situation. does she pay you in advance?

if not, i wouldn't expect to get paid for the next week. that could be why she didn't argue - she wants to get in her week or two and not pay for it. even though you know you did the right thing - she'll feel ripped off and she'll do the same to you.
countrymom 11:27 AM 10-04-2010
sounds like you need to be really blunt and just tell her that she needs to find alternate care
missnikki 01:54 PM 10-04-2010
Well, how did it go?
Did she show up?
cnjmom 02:41 PM 10-07-2010
Monday she was over the top friendly. Nicer than she's been the last few months. It caught me off guard. The next day she didn't make eye contact or speak to me and since then, it seems she is pretending I didn't say anything. I know she is looking though, because I have talked to other daycare people. She does pay in advance. She has paid up until the 15th which is the end of my two week notice. Hopefully she finds someone soon, these two weeks seem to be dragging, and the boy is just as bad.
Tags:notice, termination
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