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Old 03-09-2011, 03:23 PM
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Default 3.5 Yo DCB With Anger Issues

I have a 3.5 DCB that has been acting out very agressive. When i tell the kids that we are going to clean up or change what we are doing this child will start kicking things, crossing his arms, throwing things, and go off in a rant of some kind. I try to calm him and talk to him asking him whats wrong, are you mad, why are you mad? It's ok to be mad, but its not ok to hit things.

I have tried to hug him while he is mad, I have tried to remove him from the room, I have tried to ignor it...NOTHING I have tried works..

His parents are very sweet mellow people and I know that they are also having a hard time with this at home..

any other ideas?
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Old 03-09-2011, 05:46 PM
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My first thought was this :

Is he an only or very much younger than other kids at home?

By "mellow" (parents) do you mean "sit and watch him misbehave"?

Not trying to be rude or anything, but if he is new to you, this is obviously being allowed at home. It may take you a bit to show him that those actions DO NOT get him any attention at your house, nor does it get him out of cleaning up. If he is not new to your group, I would still work along the lines of "that is not going to get you anywhere". By nature, humans only continue behaviors that have a good "pay off"....meaning, if it works, they keep doing it. I would give it very little reinforcement, positive or negative. Only give it as much attention as is needed to deal with the situation at hand, and then later, when he is not in an angry or defiant mode, try playing a game or finding some other way to model/discuss (at their level) how to be nice and cooperative and why we are that way.
Granted, dck are with us a lot of the day, but what happens and is allowed at home with parents is huge. I would continue to discuss the situation with them. I wouldn't hesitate to suggest to them what you find works for you.
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Old 03-09-2011, 05:51 PM
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Yes he is the youngest with a huge age gap of 11 years. His parents remArried and had this child together much later in their life. The parents are very overwhelmed by it. They have tried the same. He is not new to my DC he's been here for about a year.

I'm interested why you asked about the age gap?? Do you have a suggestion regarding the age difference? I would love to hear about it if so.
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Old 03-09-2011, 06:12 PM
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Yes he is the youngest with a huge age gap of 11 years. His parents remArried and had this child together much later in their life. The parents are very overwhelmed by it. They have tried the same. He is not new to my DC he's been here for about a year.

I'm interested why you asked about the age gap?? Do you have a suggestion regarding the age difference? I would love to hear about it if so.
It was just a hunch Not uncommon behavior for a child/family with that dynamic, although I hate to sound like that. I don't know if the "knowing why" helps your situation, however, bear in mind that, as I said before, this behavior is being reinforced at home, so breaking it at your house is not impossible, just harder. YOU will have to be sure that he does not get a pay off for behaving that way. In his house, he is obviously treated as an only, even thoug he is not, he is still in that position as a child who is so much younger than his older sib. Is this happening all of the sudden or has it always been there to some degree? It's not an uncommon thing for children to try out their defiance wings at this age, but if parents are not putting a nix on it, it will only get stronger. The anger/defiance you are seeing may be a result of their household being run by him, not the parents. As much as parents don't want to believe it, children WANT boundaries and limits. They want to feel safe, led in the right direction, NOT like they have to be in charge. He is taking charge b/c the parents are not. He will continue to feel angry and not know why, but it is most likely b/c his parents refuse to be in charge, and so therefore, he has to be, yet there is no way for him to have the knowledge or tools necessary. That's why he has parents.
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Old 03-09-2011, 06:25 PM
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The parents are very willing to work on it with me and on board with any suggestion I have. I think ignoring it might work.
The mOm did tell me she struggles with getting her older two kids to stop trying to parent the DCB at home. She said they always give him his way even when told not to.
So that could be an issue.
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Old 03-10-2011, 03:34 AM
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The parents are very willing to work on it with me and on board with any suggestion I have. I think ignoring it might work.
The mOm did tell me she struggles with getting her older two kids to stop trying to parent the DCB at home. She said they always give him his way even when told not to.
So that could be an issue.
Good to hear they are willing to work with you. Good luck
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Old 03-10-2011, 05:01 AM
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I've always found that making clean up a game works for the stubborn ones. "let's see if we can get all the toys in the bucket in 10 seconds"

Another way is "if everyone pitches in, we'll have this cleaned up in no time! Everyone pick up 2 toys - count 1, 2 and let's see what's left!"

It sounds like he's having trouble with transitions. Some kids are allowed to finish what they are doing at home before they have to do something. Try giving him a "heads up" that clean up time is in 2 minutes, etc. so he can anticipate a wrap up time.
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Old 03-10-2011, 02:15 PM
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yes I think that it is transitions, I do give warnings. From 5 min down. I try my best to explain everything that we are doing and what we will do next.

ex... lets clean up the floor so we can paint now. it seems that he has these fits of anger any time he has a notion of a doubt.

when something is not going his way... It kind of scares me how mad he gets
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Old 03-11-2011, 10:08 AM
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I have experience with a child that did/does exactly this. This will get better with age and work - I promise. There are a few things you can try. Way structured times for activities seem to help, believe it or not - it gets them used to transitioning. But times of activities are important as well. Behavior charts can work with right type of child. Also, if it persists, the child may need referral to a headstart program. Daycares can refer in my area. Giving them 5-10 minutes notice for clean up is helpful. Also, promises that they can play with that again later during other free play or the next time works well too. This particular child is advanced so he's building detailed lego buildings or something and wants to continue his masterpiece and that is understandable. And I have agree with personality type - certain teachers are goddesses to children while others just can't get through. You may have to discuss a change of venue with the parents - your daily timeline may not be a fit for the child. What always seemed to work best was making transitioning positive by using a clean up song or game and really talking up the next transition into art or lunch time, etc. Hang in there!
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Old 03-11-2011, 10:55 AM
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My middle child is like this -- he has strong emotions and is very strong-willed besides. I've found the only way to deal with it is pull the "I'm in charge here, not you!" card. It's like it's comforting to them and helps them control their emotions when you consistently let them know what's appropriate and what's not. For example, when they start to freak out because everyone needs to start cleaning up, just tell him straight up "Throwing a fit is NOT acceptable. If you don't calm down and start cleaning up the trucks (or whatever), you will sit on the step (or whatever) until you ARE ready to." And make sure you're standing up with your arms crossed and feet wide apart (ie. assume the alpha male stance ).

I've found that teachers, babysitters, Sunday School teachers, etc., have given in to my son when he flips, and it's not helpful AT ALL. It may calm down the situation then and there, but he'll pull it again with that person soon enough.

He'll test you on it again and again, so make sure you're ready for a battle . But when he figures out that you're not afraid to call him on his behaviour, the freak fits will lessen.
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:00 AM
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Bingo. this is exactly what happens and this is what I am going to do. Thanks for replying!

I have a set daily schedule and routine, I have great transiotion songs and games, this child just does not respond....

thanks again
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:01 AM
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opps does not respond and flips out....just like you said
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