Please Help Before I Lose It

[marcieandpie]

I have only just started my in-home daycare last week, and already feel like I'm failing. Trying to stay positive but finding it difficult. I have a 2 year old, strong-willed and loving daughter, and my first daycare child is a 4 month old breastfed baby who co-sleeps. She will not sleep here. She takes a couple of half-hour naps in the 8 hours she is with me. She gets to the point of exhaustion which makes consoling her impossible, and sometimes cries for well over an hour at a time (except maybe during feedings). I really want this to work as it is my first family, who are just the nicest people, but my poor daughter couldn't even stand to be in the daycare room today and stayed in our bed watching Baby Einstein all day. I really don't like her watching much tv but I couldn't get the baby to stop crying. Oh, the baby will not sleep in a crib, only in a swing very briefly (mom says she sleeps longer in a swing at home) or while being held, which I can't do. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I have to go through another day of this.

I am sorry that you feel frustrated. I am going through a similar situation with a one year old that I have now had for a month.

All I can tell you is to stick it out for a couple more weeks and see if it gets better. The baby may just need time to adjust.

After 2-3 weeks, if you feel you still can't handle the baby, then I would term. Some kids are just not the right fit for us and we have to know when to call it quits.

I know that you do not want to get rid of your first family, but if that's what it takes to make everyone happy then do it. You can always find other kids.

You're not failing. K
I wouldn't be able to do that either.

[Shell]

We're not permitted to use swings in my state, so dcm would be out of luck in that department.

You are going to have to get tough- with dcm and baby

Dcm needs to understand that you cannot possibly mimic what she does at home while caring for others. She either starts napping baby on back in crib or pnp (that is my state's requirements), or it's not going to work.
I will say I have gotten a baby to sleep that way here, while at home they are held the whole time and/or put in swing. It can be done most of the time, just takes a lot of patience!

As far as baby, the baby has to learn self soothing skills, and you are the only one that can do it, if mom isn't. Put baby down for nap, reassure, shush baby and pat back- baby can't think it's time to get up after that short of a time period- it's not healthy- babies need their sleep.

If they aren't willing to help you, and it's too much, then term.

Some days my kids need to watch tv to unwind from the daycare kid- I let them. But, I can understand that's not something you want to deal with regularly.

[LindseyA]

Originally Posted by marcieandpie

I have only just started my in-home daycare last week, and already feel like I'm failing. Trying to stay positive but finding it difficult. I have a 2 year old, strong-willed and loving daughter, and my first daycare child is a 4 month old breastfed baby who co-sleeps. She will not sleep here. She takes a couple of half-hour naps in the 8 hours she is with me. She gets to the point of exhaustion which makes consoling her impossible, and sometimes cries for well over an hour at a time (except maybe during feedings). I really want this to work as it is my first family, who are just the nicest people, but my poor daughter couldn't even stand to be in the daycare room today and stayed in our bed watching Baby Einstein all day. I really don't like her watching much tv but I couldn't get the baby to stop crying. Oh, the baby will not sleep in a crib, only in a swing very briefly (mom says she sleeps longer in a swing at home) or while being held, which I can't do. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I have to go through another day of this.

Hang in there! Eventually you get more families in and then you can be picky and choosy. When I started my daycare 7 years ago, it took a good six months for calls to start rolling in. I live in a rural area so it might be sooner if you're in the city or something. I felt the same in the beginning though because I started with one dck who was not well behaved. My second child that I got 6 months later was an infant. That was really difficult for me as well. I felt like I HAD to take this baby because it was the only call since I opened and we needed the income. But it does get better. Now seven years later I don't watch infants, I have a two week trial period where if the new kid isn't meshing with the group, I can say no to watching them. I have never had that luxury before and it feels good! Of course we all have bad days, and sometimes I get in a funk and I ask myself "why did I start a daycare?!" But again, it DOES get better!

[Heidi]

Originally Posted by Shell

We're not permitted to use swings in my state, so dcm would be out of luck in that department.

You are going to have to get tough- with dcm and baby

Dcm needs to understand that you cannot possibly mimic what she does at home while caring for others. She either starts napping baby on back in crib or pnp (that is my state's requirements), or it's not going to work.
I will say I have gotten a baby to sleep that way here, while at home they are held the whole time and/or put in swing. It can be done most of the time, just takes a lot of patience!

As far as baby, the baby has to learn self soothing skills, and you are the only one that can do it, if mom isn't. Put baby down for nap, reassure, shush baby and pat back- baby can't think it's time to get up after that short of a time period- it's not healthy- babies need their sleep.

If they aren't willing to help you, and it's too much, then term.

Some days my kids need to watch tv to unwind from the daycare kid- I let them. But, I can understand that's not something you want to deal with regularly.

[Thriftylady]

I would have a heart to heart with mom and let her know you can't allow little one to sleep in swing or anywhere besides your crib or PNP. Let her know that without her help, the baby is suffering. Tell her how you put the baby down for nap and ask her to do the same at least for naps.

[Ariana]

I had to term a child just last week for the same reason. She would not sleeps, was constantly crying and she was 18 months. She had no rules at home so had tantrums when she didn't get her own way....it was a nightmare. It affected me, my own daughter and the little boy I had. I just had to get rid of her. Parents need to understand that you offer GROUP care. You cannot offer co-sleeping or swings to put kids to sleep. If she wanted that kind of care for her she should stay at home with her. You can't have both unless you hire a nanny.

I am a very "granola" parent myself. I breastfed, co-slept, babywore etc (major reason I stayed home) but to not prepare your child for group care is CRUEL. They are quite possibly the cruelest parents I have ever encountered! To see this girl in her state was so hard for me as I am sure it is for you. I had a heart to heart with the parents and we decided mutually to end care. They simply wanted me to cater to their BS! Not going to happen.

[finsup]

The first two weeks of doing this had me pretty much in tears every night. And this is coming from someone who had spent their whole life before kids working in childcare/school settings! Things will get better. Remember its an adjustment for you and the baby and your daughter. Its going to take some time to get everyone used to a new routine you could try talking to mom about how she does things at home too.

[Laura5287]

When I first opened 3 years ago, I took on an eight week old. My own children were 17, 18 and 20. I hadn't taken care of an infant in a very long time. He was my first daycare child and boy was it an adjustment. It was like having my own. He was with me 10 hours a day. We both had adjustments to make and he was a good baby. I was ready to term and even told the mother but I ended up keeping him and everything worked out. I still have him and he is now 3 and everyday is a new day.
Try for another week or two and see how you feel. It may just be getting into that routine as all new "parents" have to.

[scorp122]

i had that kid in Nov., he was almost 3 months, never slept for more than 30 minutes the whole 8 hours he was at my daycare. I would put him in his pnp at nap time and let him cry it out for awhile, eventually he figured it out. His parents said he slept in some kind of rock n swing or something. a couple days after they FINALLY switched him to a crib, he was sleeping through the night and taking a good nap here. He 7 mos now and absolutely awesome! Hang in there if you can, it sucks, but hopefully it will get better.

[marcieandpie]

So we are in week 3, and things just don't seem to be getting better. In fact, I feel that there is now tension between the mom and me because I am trying to be open about baby's lack of adjustment but feel like my every move is getting questioned. Like "how long did you sit with her and rattle this or shake that and hold her pacifier in her mouth" or "how long did she cry before you picked her up?", etc. I spend about 99 percent of my day doing everything mom has suggested to get this baby to sleep and stay asleep. I even put away my swing and let them bring their own, she brought in a baby carrier so I can try wearing baby. My own daughter is literally starved for attention, but it still doesn't seem "good enough". I have no other income so I can't just term and catch grief from my husband. I don't want attachment babes ever ever ever again! I guess I can add an interview question to my short list. Sorry for venting so much, but you know this is kind of a lonely place to be when no one around you understands.

[daycare]

Originally Posted by marcieandpie

So we are in week 3, and things just don't seem to be getting better. In fact, I feel that there is now tension between the mom and me because I am trying to be open about baby's lack of adjustment but feel like my every move is getting questioned. Like "how long did you sit with her and rattle this or shake that and hold her pacifier in her mouth" or "how long did she cry before you picked her up?", etc. I spend about 99 percent of my day doing everything mom has suggested to get this baby to sleep and stay asleep. I even put away my swing and let them bring their own, she brought in a baby carrier so I can try wearing baby. My own daughter is literally starved for attention, but it still doesn't seem "good enough". I have no other income so I can't just term and catch grief from my husband. I don't want attachment babes ever ever ever again! I guess I can add an interview question to my short list. Sorry for venting so much, but you know this is kind of a lonely place to be when no one around you understands.

I know we all do things to please parents when we are new and just starting out, but if you intend for this to work out for the long haul, what you are doing is not possible.

You have to set up your program the way you want to run it and what you will expect from the parents. The parents at the time of interviewing with you will have to decide if they are comfortable with your services and agree to them.

NOt the other way around.

I would be telling the dcp this..

I have tried to do all I can to help ease the transition to new care, however, you have to remember that this is group care and that I must be able to meet the needs of all the children in care at the same time.

I do feel that after going above and beyond my normal array of services that I can provide, I am not able to meet your child's needs.

I would let them go.... I can tell you that unless you can afford to neglect your own child, which we both know the answer to that and agree not to talk on another child, you will not be able to continue on like this.

I know Nannyde has some great advice on enrolling infants in many of her articles.

[LysesKids]

Originally Posted by marcieandpie

So we are in week 3, and things just don't seem to be getting better. In fact, I feel that there is now tension between the mom and me because I am trying to be open about baby's lack of adjustment but feel like my every move is getting questioned. Like "how long did you sit with her and rattle this or shake that and hold her pacifier in her mouth" or "how long did she cry before you picked her up?", etc. I spend about 99 percent of my day doing everything mom has suggested to get this baby to sleep and stay asleep. I even put away my swing and let them bring their own, she brought in a baby carrier so I can try wearing baby. My own daughter is literally starved for attention, but it still doesn't seem "good enough". I have no other income so I can't just term and catch grief from my husband. I don't want attachment babes ever ever ever again! I guess I can add an interview question to my short list. Sorry for venting so much, but you know this is kind of a lonely place to be when no one around you understands.

This mom might need a personal Nanny instead of a childcare home. Your sanity & your daughter are priceless. I do babies only & even I have cut 2 or 3 loose over the last 15 years because they aren't a good fit; the money cannot replace your daughters happiness.

Why would you catch grief from Hubby? Does he want to end up with a burned out wife? In order to get a better client, you might have to say "see ya" to the one you have. BTW, I do not offer one on one care - somedays I have 4 and all are under 12 months; they learn to deal with waiting & they all sleep fine because I refuse to get attached at the hip.

Could you interview for a new child before terminating this one?
Once the new one is enrolled and you have a start date, then terminate this one.

[Meeko]

Your posts show that the parent is in charge. She is telling YOU how you need to sleep the baby, hold the baby, soothe the baby.

It's a mistake almost all of us make when starting up. We are eager to please...often at the cost of our sanity. Been there. Done that.

Take a big breath and OWN your program.

YOU tell mom how it's got to be and not the other way around. She has to understand she has enrolled her baby in a group daycare. She does not get one-on-one for her child. She does not get to tell you how your day will run. She is not your employer.

You will be much happier if you take charge and either demand some changes, or term and chalk it up to a learning experience.

But don't feel bad. You are going above and beyond in caring for this baby.

[Gemma]

Originally Posted by Meeko

Your posts show that the parent is in charge. She is telling YOU how you need to sleep the baby, hold the baby, soothe the baby.

It's a mistake almost all of us make when starting up. We are eager to please...often at the cost of our sanity. Been there. Done that.

Take a big breath and OWN your program.

YOU tell mom how it's got to be and not the other way around. She has to understand she has enrolled her baby in a group daycare. She does not get one-on-one for her child. She does not get to tell you how your day will run. She is not your employer.

You will be much happier if you take charge and either demand some changes, or term and chalk it up to a learning experience.

But don't feel bad. You are going above and beyond in caring for this baby.

My thoughts exactly!

[hope]

I would approach dcm by letting her know that you have tried everything....her way. Now you know what works for her at home but if she continues to do it that way than the baby will not be happy when in daycare. So you would like her to do x,y and z. Whatever that may be. I would suggest telling her that she needs to work on putting the baby to sleep in her crib and she needs to work on not carrying the baby all the time.
No swings, no activity centers or seats. Just some good old fashioned floor time. The baby will learn if both you and dcm establish the same rules for baby.

[Thriftylady]

I did childcare before and was just like you, I did whatever the parents asked. I am starting up again now and I am a little older and wiser, I still struggle because I want to make my parent and kiddos happy. I would never do all that you are doing. Just can't do that in group care. I would start interviewing and as soon as I had a replacement I would term. I am reading nannydes book. I have already learned a ton and I am not finished yet. Her way of dealing with parents is much better than my whimpy ways lol.

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by Meeko

Your posts show that the parent is in charge. She is telling YOU how you need to sleep the baby, hold the baby, soothe the baby.

It's a mistake almost all of us make when starting up. We are eager to please...often at the cost of our sanity. Been there. Done that.

Take a big breath and OWN your program.

YOU tell mom how it's got to be and not the other way around. She has to understand she has enrolled her baby in a group daycare. She does not get one-on-one for her child. She does not get to tell you how your day will run. She is not your employer.

You will be much happier if you take charge and either demand some changes, or term and chalk it up to a learning experience.

But don't feel bad. You are going above and beyond in caring for this baby.

Sounds to me like you are putting MORE time and effort into helping this baby have a good/positive day than the mom is.

NOT seeing how that is your responsibility....

I know you have this child during a majority of their waking hours but it is the parents responsibility to prepare their child to be successful in daycare and this mom has failed to do that and YOU are suffering the fall out.

Stop allowing it.

[mommiebookworm]

Originally Posted by marcieandpie

So we are in week 3, and things just don't seem to be getting better. In fact, I feel that there is now tension between the mom and me because I am trying to be open about baby's lack of adjustment but feel like my every move is getting questioned. Like "how long did you sit with her and rattle this or shake that and hold her pacifier in her mouth" or "how long did she cry before you picked her up?", etc. I spend about 99 percent of my day doing everything mom has suggested to get this baby to sleep and stay asleep. I even put away my swing and let them bring their own, she brought in a baby carrier so I can try wearing baby. My own daughter is literally starved for attention, but it still doesn't seem "good enough". I have no other income so I can't just term and catch grief from my husband. I don't want attachment babes ever ever ever again! I guess I can add an interview question to my short list. Sorry for venting so much, but you know this is kind of a lonely place to be when no one around you understands.

I just read a great article on www.daycare.com/nannyde (the mychild parent). It's very eye opening! It relates exactly to everything you have said.

[KiddieCahoots]

BTDT...
My hindsight advice from an ordeal like this....Have a talk with dcm on what she will need to acomplish at home for dcb's success at daycare. Pretty much what's been pp, stop carrying baby...all the time, stop co-sleeping with baby, stop picking up baby when baby makes the slightest whimper in the crib, but soothing baby to go back to sleep, for baby to learn self soothing. Put mom on a two week trial period. In the meantime, get interviewing for a possible replacement.
If dcm doesn't help on her end, this will not change, and if after two weeks, nothing has changed, even though dcm insists she has been doing everything you have adivsed, then terminate for you and your daughter's well being.
BC gave me advice that I applied to my situation, that may help you.....
Parents may lie, but children's behaviors do not.

[marcieandpie]

Thanks for all of your advice. I had already given her a trial period date, and also decided to have a conversation with the dad at drop off this morning. He says the attachment parenting is more "her thing" and he is on board with the way I do things. Hopefully he can talk some sense into her. I told him that I had been spending way more time than I possibly should trying to keep the baby content and that some major changes would have to take place at home immediately. Believe me...I have been completely open with mom about all of this too, but she just hasn't seemed to budge on her thinking until (hopefully) now. It'll all work out in the end like someone said...either they will change and she will stay, or they won't and she will be replaced! Thanks all!

[Heidi]

Originally Posted by marcieandpie

Thanks for all of your advice. I had already given her a trial period date, and also decided to have a conversation with the dad at drop off this morning. He says the attachment parenting is more "her thing" and he is on board with the way I do things. Hopefully he can talk some sense into her. I told him that I had been spending way more time than I possibly should trying to keep the baby content and that some major changes would have to take place at home immediately. Believe me...I have been completely open with mom about all of this too, but she just hasn't seemed to budge on her thinking until (hopefully) now. It'll all work out in the end like someone said...either they will change and she will stay, or they won't and she will be replaced! Thanks all!

Not going to debate attachment parenting, but note the word "PARENT" in that phrase. If she wants to use those parenting methods, fine, but YOU are not the parent, she is, so maybe she needs to stay home with baby. If that's not feasible, then she needs to get with the program. Baby can't be 100% happy at home and 100% miserable at daycare. That's not even fair to the baby, much less you or the other children.

[daycare]

Originally Posted by Heidi

Not going to debate attachment parenting, but note the word "PARENT" in that phrase. If she wants to use those parenting methods, fine, but YOU are not the parent, she is, so maybe she needs to stay home with baby. If that's not feasible, then she needs to get with the program. Baby can't be 100% happy at home and 100% miserable at daycare. That's not even fair to the baby, much less you or the other children.

Baby can't be 100% happy at home and 100% miserable at daycare. That's not even fair to the baby, much less you or the other children

[cheerfuldom]

I would term.

[elise]

like it is stated allready above, some babys just won't adjust easily, some won't adjust to the situation at all. I understand you don't want to `fail`your first family, but its not about that, its about what is best for the baby.