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  #1  
Old 02-03-2017, 10:08 AM
happymom happymom is offline
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Default A Bad Influence, My Kid's "Girlfriend"

I've posted about this issue before but can't find the post. My son turns five next month. He's in the pre-k room of a center (100 kids).

A few months ago, him and another four (now five) year old became boyfriend/girlfriend. Everyone thought it was adorable at first. After a few weeks some of the teachers from other rooms in the center started telling me about how when my son isn't there -- his "girlfriend" is super flirty with another boy but when they are together. This seemed so silly to me, like they were trying to turn this into an adult relationship with four-year-olds. I honestly do not expect preschoolers to have much of an understanding of how relationships work, but these two seemed to have it figured out more than most.

The problem: She has become extremely possessive of him, not letting him play with other kids, telling him to sit on his lap (which is not allowed), they are separated numerous times daily. They have also been bullying other children together. His teacher believes that this girl is a bad influence on him, but what concerns me more is that several other staff members from the center have seen that there's a big problem and expressed concern to me.

According to some of the staff, both her and her school aged brother are very disrespectful and have come to the daycare with some very (for lack of better word) adult behaviors. They definitely lack discipline. Another staff member told me yesterday that once when my son and this girl needed to be separated, the girl got so mad about it and punched their teacher in the stomach.

I have attempted to address these issues with him:
1) It's not OK for this girl to tell him who he can and can not play with.
2) It's not OK for her to tell him what to do (his response: but I like it and I love her)
3) It is never okay for him to sit on her lap. No more touching.
4) He can sit next to her once per day, but he needs to tell me what other friends he sits next to the rest of the day

From our conversations I have learned that my son thinks if he doesn't play with this girl, no one will play with him. In his mind, she is his only friend. It never was like this before, he is a nice boy and has always easily been able to make friends --- but NOW he will tell me what's wrong with every other kid: "M can't be my friend, she always colors on the furniture" "A can't be my friend, he is so mean and he poops his pants" "J can't be my friend, he is naughty"

I don't want to tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but the possessiveness has seemed to trickle through the daycare. Teachers are constantly reminding the kids that they are to be friends with everyone and all their friends are their best friends.

Sorry, this is so long. I'm secretly hoping that this family gets termed. I am very thankful that they will be going to different elementary schools in the fall. I am very open minded to all advice. Thanks!
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  #2  
Old 02-03-2017, 10:32 AM
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Cat Herder Cat Herder is offline
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IMHO, your son is actually pretty lucky. Most boys don't learn this life lesson about "some" girls until much older. Some after their 4th or 5th divorce...

I know it is stressful, but such a blessing if used to teach him about healthy relationships. My S#2 had to learn it at 13, ouch... now that girl.... He has spidey senses, now. Fingers crossed it sticks.

Best frienemies. It happens with all types of kid friendships, not just boy/girl.
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Old 02-03-2017, 10:33 AM
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Silly Songs Silly Songs is online now
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My biggest concern is the staff telling you all the personal issues about the girl. That is unprofessional and if they are saying it about one you can bet they say it about most ! I would honestly remove him at this point. Yes, this is a part of childhood, learning about boundaries and making multiple friends. Your son may very soon get upset about the situation and tell her to bug off ! However, for the staff to say she is s "bad influence" is not their job. Some children mesh well, some children don't. Your son needs to stand up for himself. That comes with lots of practice and role playing.
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Old 02-03-2017, 10:46 AM
happymom happymom is offline
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I agree that I have been giving more information than I should have been. One of the staff members is also my baby sitter on occasion, so I've asked her to let me know what she sees once I was alerted that there is a problem.

Some of the things I have seen first hand and gathered for myself. Before this got out of hand, we went to her birthday party and I saw a lot of these behaviors from her brother and I learned a thing or two about her parents.
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Old 02-03-2017, 11:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silly Songs View Post
My biggest concern is the staff telling you all the personal issues about the girl. That is unprofessional and if they are saying it about one you can bet they say it about most ! I would honestly remove him at this point. Yes, this is a part of childhood, learning about boundaries and making multiple friends. Your son may very soon get upset about the situation and tell her to bug off ! However, for the staff to say she is s "bad influence" is not their job. Some children mesh well, some children don't. Your son needs to stand up for himself. That comes with lots of practice and role playing.
It's a good lesson to learn, especially before he goes to K and you have zero say in what goes on in the classroom.

I would talk up the other children. Wow, J had the coolest shirt on today. Does he like superman? Superman is my favorite. I wonder if you could ask J to play superman with you today!?

YOU talk to all the children. HEY SAM! Nice haircut! Good morning Steve, how are you Buddy? Hey Julia! Hi Kate! Cute dress!

See if you can get your son to notice other kids to play with, in a positive way.

When he talks about this girl "Hmm, I would not like to be talked to like that." "I would not like it if I couldn't play with my other friends."

Good luck!
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Old 02-03-2017, 11:28 AM
happymom happymom is offline
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Originally Posted by daycarediva View Post
It's a good lesson to learn, especially before he goes to K and you have zero say in what goes on in the classroom.

I would talk up the other children. Wow, J had the coolest shirt on today. Does he like superman? Superman is my favorite. I wonder if you could ask J to play superman with you today!?

YOU talk to all the children. HEY SAM! Nice haircut! Good morning Steve, how are you Buddy? Hey Julia! Hi Kate! Cute dress!

See if you can get your son to notice other kids to play with, in a positive way.

When he talks about this girl "Hmm, I would not like to be talked to like that." "I would not like it if I couldn't play with my other friends."

Good luck!
Great tips! Thank you!
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Old 02-03-2017, 11:39 AM
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laundrymom laundrymom is offline
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You guys are so nice and understanding.
I'm mean.
"Jake, no girlfriends until I say you are old enough. And no one can tell you who to play with. If they try tell them to leave you alone. Understand?"
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Old 02-03-2017, 12:14 PM
happymom happymom is offline
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Originally Posted by laundrymom View Post
You guys are so nice and understanding.
I'm mean.
"Jake, no girlfriends until I say you are old enough. And no one can tell you who to play with. If they try tell them to leave you alone. Understand?"
Right? I don't want to tell him who he should or shouldn't play with, but lord, this has gotten out of hand.
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Old 02-03-2017, 12:43 PM
happymom happymom is offline
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Also I feel like I will be a horrible mom when my kids turn teenagers. I am so fearful of this.
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Old 02-03-2017, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by happymom View Post
Also I feel like I will be a horrible mom when my kids turn teenagers. I am so fearful of this.
Don't worry. We all are. Just ask them.

We have to let them fall just enough times that they learn how high they can climb safely >cheesy relevant metaphor <.

* The key seems to be in waiting to be asked for help or advice before pushing in. Took me longer than I care to admit to learn that.

I went in guns blazing (no not really) when they were little, to fill some emotional need in myself, but it slowed some development for them that should not have been slowed. It caused repeats in small but significant social issues that I would have preferred they avoid. All "hindsight is 20/20" advice, here.
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  #11  
Old 02-03-2017, 01:22 PM
happymom happymom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
Don't worry. We all are. Just ask them.
hahaha!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
* The key seems to be in waiting to be asked for help or advice before pushing in.
Thank you. I really honestly want to not get too involved but it's so hard seeing him pulled around like a baby doll. They actually constantly play "house" where he is the baby and he sits in a crib (they made out of the lid to some box or something).
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