UGH.... Need advice!!

[BBDC1]

Hi everyone...
It's been a while since I have visited/posted. I have been busy with new kiddos.. It seems like there aren't enough hours in the day....

So - I have a dcb that comes every day.. He just turned 2. Sometimes mom drops off, sometimes the older brother. Lately (within the last month or so...) dcb arrives and he's dirty and is in the SAME clothes he wore the day before. Most of the time he's in his PAJAMAS... Fleece pajamas...and it's been like 75 - 80 degrees here... (and humid).
His diaper has not been changed for what seems a long time. I mean, I can tell - It's OVERFLOWING and the diaper has "fuzz" -- you know it's been on a long time. I immediately take him to get a clean diaper on and wipe him up best I can. (I feel sorry he's not getting the appropriate care at home...) I SHOULDN'T have to do this every morning..
Today, he comes in the jammies he wore all day yesterday - We went outside yesterday and they got hot/dirty from sliding down the slide (it goes super fast) and they end up landing on their behinds .. Well, he went down so many times (on this tummy too) that his WHITE jammies are brown/black ... So I imagine he slept in dirty jammies and wearing them (still) today..

I just cannot fathom WHY a parent would do this?? I mean, I get it.. You have several children to take care of a full time job, etc. I have a child of my own whom I make sure is clean, bathed, etc on a daily basis.

I feel that if I keep "cleaning him" and "Caring for him" over and above what my daycare duties are... Nothing will change.

Should I say something to the mom?? I have hinted before - I just don't think she gets it. I don't want to hurt her feelings but she really needs to take MORE responsibility in taking care of him BEFORE bringing him to daycare. (He's with me from 7am - 530PM on a daily basis...) How should I word it..? UGH... So frustrated.... Sorry so long... Any advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you!

[Cat Herder]

Personally, I would bathe him, wash his clothes and hold a conference with DCM to deal with the issue. Hurting her feelings would not be my concern. I am a mandated reporter and child advocate, first.

I'd find out if the issue was financial. If so I'd offer concrete resources. If situational I'd give her local support options like a family shelter, utility assistance program or a home visitor program. I would then explain my expectations of her to resolve the issue.

If our health and safety plan was not followed after our conference, I would report for suspicion of neglect. My goal would be getting the resources to the child. With or without DCM's help.

[Ac114]

I wouldn’t care about hurting feelings in this situation. You may be his only voice. Ask her what’s up. He may not be getting fed for all we know. Tell her that he needs clean and appropriate clothing before being dropped off. And check his diaper when he gets dropped off and if it’s from the night before, make her change it before she leaves.

We all lead busy lives but your children are your most prized possession and it’s your responsibility to care for them. It’s really not that hard to change his clothes, that’s just laziness.

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by Ac114

I wouldn’t care about hurting feelings in this situation. You may be his only voice. Ask her what’s up. He may not be getting fed for all we know. Tell her that he needs clean and appropriate clothing before being dropped off. And check his diaper when he gets dropped off and if it’s from the night before, make her change it before she leaves.

We all lead busy lives but your children are your most prized possession and it’s your responsibility to care for them. It’s really not that hard to change his clothes, that’s just laziness.

I agree with this!

If you keep doing what you are doing, you are enabling mom and she won't ever step up. Why would she?

I would absolutely say something to her. Especially about the clean diaper. Baby needs his diaper changed before drop off. If necessary, check baby immediately upon arrival (without accepting him into care physically) and have a diaper ready...hand it to mom (or brother...I assume he is older) and say "He needs a fresh diaper before he can be signed into care." then walk away.... Don't say it in a condescending or annoyed tone but try the "maybe she doesn't know better approach" instead.

I've found that with learned helplessness, many people are down right comfortable NOT taking the initiative to know anything, that way they are excused from having that responsibility.

I'd do the same with clean clothing. Tell DCM he will need to have clean clothes (clean PJ's whatever) upon drop off.

Ask for several spare outfits to be brought from home. Upon arrival if he is in dirty clothes, hand who ever drops him off the clean ones and say "He needs clean clothes before he can be signed into care, Thank you!" Walk away....

Basically, draw a line and don't accept DCB into care without his basic needs met. Tell mom ahead of time that is the plan. Then enforce it. You can do that with a smile and empathy easily... You can say things like "I know it's crazy hard to be a mom of young kids and work full time but just think of how much easier this will be in a few years when DCB is older" ....that type of thing.

Sometimes just making a connection with the parent through chit chat you can easily get your point across without offending, embarrassing or excusing the unwanted behaviors.

FWIW~ Not meeting babies basic needs IS neglect.
Be a voice for the baby! My thoughts are that teaching mom to be a good mom will benefit the child for life verses just doing it for her and making your life (and hers) easier for a temporary time period.

[amberrose3dg]

Originally Posted by BBDC1

Hi everyone...
It's been a while since I have visited/posted. I have been busy with new kiddos.. It seems like there aren't enough hours in the day....

So - I have a dcb that comes every day.. He just turned 2. Sometimes mom drops off, sometimes the older brother. Lately (within the last month or so...) dcb arrives and he's dirty and is in the SAME clothes he wore the day before. Most of the time he's in his PAJAMAS... Fleece pajamas...and it's been like 75 - 80 degrees here... (and humid).
His diaper has not been changed for what seems a long time. I mean, I can tell - It's OVERFLOWING and the diaper has "fuzz" -- you know it's been on a long time. I immediately take him to get a clean diaper on and wipe him up best I can. (I feel sorry he's not getting the appropriate care at home...) I SHOULDN'T have to do this every morning..
Today, he comes in the jammies he wore all day yesterday - We went outside yesterday and they got hot/dirty from sliding down the slide (it goes super fast) and they end up landing on their behinds .. Well, he went down so many times (on this tummy too) that his WHITE jammies are brown/black ... So I imagine he slept in dirty jammies and wearing them (still) today..

I just cannot fathom WHY a parent would do this?? I mean, I get it.. You have several children to take care of a full time job, etc. I have a child of my own whom I make sure is clean, bathed, etc on a daily basis.

I feel that if I keep "cleaning him" and "Caring for him" over and above what my daycare duties are... Nothing will change.

Should I say something to the mom?? I have hinted before - I just don't think she gets it. I don't want to hurt her feelings but she really needs to take MORE responsibility in taking care of him BEFORE bringing him to daycare. (He's with me from 7am - 530PM on a daily basis...) How should I word it..? UGH... So frustrated.... Sorry so long... Any advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you!

This is extremely heart breaking to me. Are those the hours you are open? 10.5 hours is also a lot of time. My thoughts he prob goes to bed shortly after being picked up and no one is bathing him or changing him. They then get him up when it is time to go to daycare. The same thing over and over again. You need to confront mom and find out what is going on. If after speaking with her it continues, I would file a report with cps. That is neglect. He should be getting baths, clean clothes and diaper changes at home.

[nannyde]

I have a chapter in my book called "Pig Pen ' s Parents". You might want to read it.

The bottom line is she doesn't want to do the work of bathing, changing, and doing the laundry. There isn't a nice way to say it to her. You have to be blunt and tell her he must come every day completely clean, in fresh clothes, and a fresh diaper with hair combed and nails trimmed.

The chapter goes into why parents do this, what words they say when you discuss and enforce, backsliding, and exact phrases you need to use to get full compliance.

I also question why he is in care so long. Look at her work hours and travel time and make sure she isn't padding time.

[amberrose3dg]

Originally Posted by nannyde

I have a chapter in my book called "Pig Pen ' s Parents". You might want to read it.

The bottom line is she doesn't want to do the work of bathing, changing, and doing the laundry. There isn't a nice way to say it to her. You have to be blunt and tell her he must come every day completely clean, in fresh clothes, and a fresh diaper with hair combed and nails trimmed.

The chapter goes into why parents do this, what words they say when you discuss and enforce, backsliding, and exact phrases you need to use to get full compliance.

I also question why he is in care so long. Look at her work hours and travel time and make sure she isn't padding time.

I would also look at her work schedule. She needs 1.25 hours to travel each way? Probably not!