School-Age Child and My Child

[Riley421]

A bit of background,
I recently took on a school-age child, who recently moved to the neighborhood. This girl happened to get placed in the same class as my daughter-first grade. I am also caring for her eighteen month old brother.

I've been finding it very stressful with the school age girl. Everything is a power struggle. I've gathered she runs the show at home, and is bribed to do pretty much everything.

For the most part, she gets along well with my daughter-as long as my daughter plays the way she wants. Otherwise, she starts nitpicking and looking for reasons to tattle.

Last week, she arrives at my home throwing a full tantrum, not wanting to go to school. Mom tells her to explain why, and she hysterically sobs that my daughter takes away her books, toys etc in class, and she feels "too sad" to go to school. All of this right in front if my daughter. Mom then proceeds to have her repeat it. My daughter looks mortified, I feel mortified. I immediately say, I am sorry you are sad but I'm not sure what goes on at school, however I will be contacting your teacher today and if DD is doing this, it will be handled.

I contact the teacher via email, and she requests a phone meeting with me at lunch. Great, I think, DD is acting up at school.
Well, teacher let's me know that my DD is in no way behaving this way. In fact, quite the opposite. Dcg has zeroed in on my daughter, wanting to be the only one to play with her. When my DD plays with other classmates, dcg lashes out by knocking things off my daughter's desk, trying to rip her art etc. After a particularly bad day, teacher moved dcg's desk on the opposite side of the room from my daughter.

The teacher also said she was calling dcg's parents next to inform them, of the same information.

So yesterday, dcm is upset with me for contacting the school. I told her, I took her daughter's allegations very seriously, and if my daughter was involved in that bullying behaviour, I would step in-but in no way would I punish my child before receiving all the facts. I wasn't calling about her child, I was calling about mine.

I am very sour grapes about this. I feel like dcm handled this situation so poorly, she should have spoken to me directly. Dcg was not made to apologize to my daughter at pickup, yet there was an expectation I make my child do it right in front of dcm. At pick up yesterday, mom holds her so tight, saying she is so sorry she has to go to school...just feeding into the "poor dcg," story.

How would others feel/respond in this situation? I feel I was right contacting the school...but all of dcm's drama makes me second guess it at times!

Thank you.

[Jupadia]

I would be highly tempted to give notice on a least the older girl if not on the family of you could afford to. It's not fair for your own to have to deal with the behaviour of the dcg. I how with them sharing a class it could difficult to do. If dc mom is going to feed into dcg issues I'm not sure what else could be done.

I would advertise to fill their spots.

[rosieteddy]

It is a tough situation.They are neighbors and you will see them regardless.Can you talk to the Mom without the children around?Maybe suggest a coffee out.I would suggest to Mom that she send the daughter to before and afterschool care.That way when the girls see each other it will be "fun"hopefully.I would expect that if there is before and after school the other child will make some friends.Explain to Mom that maybe its a lot to move and go to a new school ect.

[Ac114]

I was stressed reading this. I would term just because I refuse to do business with a parent that obviously knows her daughter is a bully to your child and refuses to do anything about it and coddles her daughter. My child would come first and I would have to show her that her feelings and safety matter more to me than the money that these parents pay.

And I would keep in close communication with the teacher about the bullying and escalate it until it is resolved. I DO NOT TOLERATE BULLIES!

[tlemother]

Give notice, this isn't going to end well either way.

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by tlemother

Give notice, this isn't going to end well either way.

What she said ^^

The situation with the DCG will not be the last of this type of situation. It's only going to get worse.

Cut ties and run now.

[DaveA]

What the others said- cut ties now. I can easily see this ending badly.

Your child should feel safe and secure in her own home. She should be able to go to another area of the home while the child is there and not have to be present during pick up. Is there a grandparent that could pick up after school for a few days until you decide what to do?

[littlefriends]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I would advertise to fill their spots.

This. It’s not going to get any better. I had a school age girl the same age as my daughter and it only lasted one year. Ours were older-4th grade. But it was similar. Dcg was very possessive of my dd and s*^t would hit the fan if my dd wanted to play alone in her room or go off down the street to friends houses to play.

[Cat Herder]

I did not keep children my own kids' age. My previous daycare experience (before my kids were born) taught me it rarely if ever, works out.

[Ariana]

That mom is ridiculous! Your poor DD, and now the mom is trying to bully your DD and you? No no NO!

Is it possible for you to term and replace?

[284878]

Worried for your dd, if dcg is acting this way now, what is going to happen when you term?

I would call the school first and talk to the school more about what is going on. Let the teacher know that you will be terming DCG and you do not see it going well. Make a plan with the teacher to protect your dd, until this all blows over. Keep her up to date and ask her to let you know if anything happens. Consider pulling dd out of class for a few days or terming over a long weekend like Thanksgiving to give DCG a chance to get used to it.

[Riley421]

Thank you for all of the responses.

For the most part, my DD enjoys playing with her. I always offer her the opportunity to play in her room, but she always prefers to be with dck's, which makes for lots of unnecessary drama.

I went against my better judgement taking on a school kid. I've made the decision to term but I need to fill at least one spot (I will probably loose both) first.

In the meantime DH is home most days after-school, and he will be helping me keep DD busy.

[Riley421]

I should also add that I will not be allowing DCG to get away with anything. I realize I've been too soft on her at times because of how demanding she is.

After school for example, she throws her outside clothes on the floor. Even my toddlers know to put stuff in their cubbies/hooks. She never puts anything away. Yesterday, I tell her to put everything away, she just sits on the floor.

I say, when everything is put away you may wash your hands and join us. I have a very open concept home, so I was able to walk away but still watch her. She kept asking me to help her in a baby voice. I went over twice and demonstrated (with my own coat) and did hand over hand with one of her items. I then walked away. She sat out for 45 minutes before finally coming in. The best part, five minutes later it was time to get ready to go home!