Confronting DCM Who Is Also A Friend

[pfund2233]

Okay so I have one DCM who is also my friend. We have been friends for about 3yrs and I have been doing daycare for her for 1yr. Her son is 2yrs old and has just recently had to start coming at 515am. She has been bringing him in his clothing, fine but I'm finding she's not changing his diaper and by the time he wakes at 7 he's soaked... sometimes threw!! I'm wondering why she gets him dressed but doesn't change his diaper... or is she allowing him to sleep in his cloths at night. How do I ask her to change the boy?!

Second issue... she works at our hospital (where I worked until I started daycare). I know alot of peeps there and even have some relatives there. Well last night my sis (who works at the hospital too) was like oh I hear your mad at me. I was like what are you talking about. She say this DCM took it upon her self to tell her I was mad my sis didn't come to a family cookout on Sunday. Thing is I wasn't mad... she was on call for work and couldn't come. This isn't the first time she has tried to "stir the pot" with peeps at my old place of employment.

How do I confront her on these issues without her freaking out?? She's a very needy person and on lots of meds for depression, anxiety and ect. and I really don't need the drama she might cause if she gets upset.

[Cat Herder]

You will need to term the child to salvage the relationship. This will only work if the relationship was real to begin with, though. Try honesty.

Money and friendship don't mix.

IMHO, she sounds more like a frienemy, anyway.

This is now effecting your family relationships and needs to be stopped in its tracks.....

[dEHmom]

sounds like she is trying to find any reason to talk to people.

I would suggest:

a) tell dcm boy must be in a fresh diaper for the day. If he arrives in a wet diaper, she will be expected to change it before entering the house, or will have to go home.

b) do not discuss anything personal with this woman regarding anyone she has contact with outside of your business. don't give her any reason to discuss anything with your previous co workers. That should put a stop to it.

I know people like that. And they will use a mutual acquaintance, or friend, to break the ice. It usually ends up in back stabbing and such.

[nannyde]

She's having the kid sleep in the clothes he will be wearing the next day. You can tell by the wrinkles in the clothes if they have slept in them. You can also tell by the smell of the urine that it's a night diaper.

She's just picking him up out of bed... putting him in the seat... and coming to your house.

She's the 800th million parent to do this. It's very common. She may think you are fooled and may say things like "he just pees a lot when he first gets up" or the most popular one "he must have did that on the way over.. I changed him".

If she insists that the child peed on the way over then I would tell her that I think he has some kind of kidney or bladder infection because of the smell of the urine. If he has urine that smells like that fresh as it comes out in the morning then there is something going on medically.

Just check him EVERY day when he gets to your house in front of her. Right when he walks in the door. Tell her that he can't come in his night diaper. He has to have a fresh diaper every day before coming.

Usually the parent says the words that she is already doing that. If she does that then check him right at drop off. If he is wet... change him right then and save the diaper to show her it is his night diaper.

Once she realizes you are serious she will do it for a week or so. Then one day out of the blue he will wake up soaked. If she gets by with it once the whole cycle will start over again.

Make sure you check him for at least a MONTH before you assume she's has the understanding that she HAS to do it.

Sometimes it's because they don't want to deal with the kid. Sometimes it's because they know you have diapers at your house and they are low or out at home. Part of the learning curve for her is that she HAS to have diapers at her house at all times.

Remember that early arrival parents have the same 24 hours in a day that everybody else has. There obligation to do basic core parenting tasks are the SAME as a kid that arrives at eight. Don't cut any slack because the kid comes early. Their arrival time should never have anything to do with providing a clean diaper for your child.

[laundrymom]

I would just tell her, "hey normally I get all " professional " with a specific form and written warning, but I thought since we were friends I could just talk to you, Joey is soaking through his diaper by about an hour after arrival so can you make sure he gets a fresh dipe either just before you leave the house, or if you want to keep letting him sleep in his clothes from night until you get here then change him before you leave my house that would be great. It keeps my morning running smoothly if I dOnt have to change kids clothes first thing. Plus, talking like this keeps a written warning out of your file.
Then smile.

Then go on to say, also,... I keep my work and personal life separate, I know we are friends so it's hard but my sis called me thinking I was mad at her,... I appreciate you trying to help but next time can we just keep things separate?

Then smile again.

She will know you know her diaper issues, you will give her two acceptable alternatives and you also address the gossip issue.
In the future limit info she has and " weed" her into a client only category. You know you can't trust her so don't give her the chance to screw you.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by laundrymom

or if you want to keep letting him sleep in his clothes from night until you get here then change him before you leave my house that would be great.

She's going to take her up on that.

If she is in the providers house there is a high liklihood that the provider is going to just do it especially if she is running a little late. It's going to cause "point of service" conflict on any day she needs special.

You could also end up with a kid making a lot of noise fighting the parent while they are being changed in your house. Once they get the idea that you want them to be quiet because there is a housefull of sleepers they will most likely start fussing.

At that time in the morning you just want to take the kid and put them back to bed with as little drama as possible. Doing the night diaper change whether it's you or the parent is going to add a layer of something to do at a time when the kid should just be placed in bed and allowed to finish his night sleep.

She's not doing it for a reason. She doesn't want to do it because she doesn't want to do the time to do it or she doesn't want to fight the kid to do it. They are great reasons for why I don't want to do it either.

You just have to tell her that she has to do it at her house every day. She has to understand that it's just a parenting job. Not so fun but as in many parenting things.. it just has to be done.

Just be prepared for her to try to give you words to not do it. That's all I'm sayin

[laundrymom]

I hadn't thought that the child would be going back to sleep. Lol I'm probably the only one who is up by 330-345, ready by 4 and the house is in full swing by about 515. If she lays baby back down then for sure insist on a change prior to car. Oops. Yeah, I'm not normal. Lol

[dEHmom]

$ lightbulb!

on her next bill, tack on a miscellaneous charge. when she asks why, say there's X charge for each morning diaper that has to be changed at drop off.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by laundrymom

I hadn't thought that the child would be going back to sleep. Lol I'm probably the only one who is up by 330-345, ready by 4 and the house is in full swing by about 515. If she lays baby back down then for sure insist on a change prior to car. Oops. Yeah, I'm not normal. Lol

I don't have kids up that early. They go straight back to bed when they come that early.

[laundrymom]

Originally Posted by nannyde

I don't have kids up that early. They go straight back to bed when they come that early.

I've kept the same hours for 23 years. Lol I forget that most don't work early hours. Lol.