Another Missing Backbone Story... So Mad At Myself :(

[SunshineMama]

I am so mad at myself!

This morning, mom and dad dropped dcb off at 7am in his pajamas. They said that they got in from the airport last night at 1:30am and that dcb was tired. Then they said they fed him a bottle already this morning, so I should "be warned" that there was a dirty bottle in his bag today. (I keep his bottles here).

My mind was thinking, "Tell them to change their own child into clothes for the day. Tell them you are not their housekeeper and do not wash his bottles that THEY fed him. Say SOMETHING...ANYTHING!!!" But I just took him, smiled, and told them to have a nice day. I am so mad at myself! I am a people pleaser and avoid face to face confrontation like the plague. This is all my fault. I brought this upon myself. But I just can't make myself say anything. I honestly don't know why I let people do this to me- maybe it has to do with something from my childhood- who knows. I dont know how to mentally get over disappointing them- even though I know I am being walked all over.

These people are the type to take advantage if you let them. They always bring him when he has colds, and when I mentioned one time that he was sick they said, "Oh, we are pretty much used to him being sick all of the time. We just expect it now."

Some of you have tremendous backbones. Have you always had them?

For those of you like me, did you ever develop a backbone? How did you do it?

[wdmmom]

Don't wash the bottle and send dcb home just the way he came...in his pajamas. Theyll get the hint.

[WImom]

Originally Posted by wdmmom

Don't wash the bottle and send dcb home just the way he came...in his pajamas. Theyll get the hint.

That's what I'd do too.

[SunshineMama]

Already changed him and washed it earlier today.... maybe I should change him back into the PJ's before they get here??:

[DaycareMom]

This happened to me recently ... DCM brought almost 3 yo in her pajamas and said, "She didn't feel like getting dressed, so here are her clothes"

I never dressed her, I kept her in her pjs all day and when DCM came I said, "She didn't feel like getting dressed here either"

DCM was not happy since she was going out for dinner with her family and bringing DCG ... She has not brought her in pjs since!

Def do not wash the bottle, and keep him in pjs. He would probably prefer that anyway!

[DaycareMom]

Originally Posted by SunshineMama

Already changed him and washed it earlier today.... maybe I should change him back into the PJ's before they get here??:

You Should!

[CheekyChick]

You did EXACTLY what I would do. Putting out that extra bit of effort isn't a sign of weakness - it's a sign of GOOD BUSINESS. Plus, how much effort does it take to wash a bottle and change an outfit? A little bit of kindness goes a long way.

[Ariana]

If it's easier why not 'confront' them through e-mail or telephone to start? Tell them that you don't have time to change him or wash the bottle and that you'd appreciate it if next time they didn't bring him that way. Be very firm in the e-mail and no wishy washy words like "maybe" or "if you don't mind" etc.

The first time you stand up for yourself is always the hardest, It never really gets easier, you just get used to it! I hate confrontation but I guess I hate disrespect more!!

[Soupyszoo]

Originally Posted by wdmmom

Don't wash the bottle and send dcb home just the way he came...in his pajamas. Theyll get the hint.

Yep this is what I would do too!

[Sunshine44]

In all honesty, I wouldn't have said anything or even cared. They had a long night, did not get home until late and the had to be up early. I'd cut them some slack this time. If it happens again with different circumstances, then speak up.

[JenNJ]

They didn't ask you to do these things, did they? If not, maybe they don't expect them to be done. I wouldn't be washing dishes from home. I have enough dishes to do, thank you. The PJs wouldn't bother me. And since he is so tired, I would allow him to stay in them for the day. But here my dc kids come in PJs anytime it is rainy or too cold to go outside. If we are stuck inside, we might as well be snuggly!

My biggest issue with the above scenario would be an unrested, cranky child. That tells me he is not ready to fully participate in the day. Which is grounds for exclusion. So as long as he was happy and could keep up with the group it would be ok, but if he was falling asleep during craft time and being a big, whiny mess, I would call mom and dad for a pick up.

[daycare]

how long have you been in the daycare biz??

[countrymom]

considering the circumstances, I wouldn't have said anything. But I had a dad who would bring his 3 yr old everyday in his jammies, and would want me to dress him. He would sometimes change his pull up but not his clothes. Well I had enough of this and started sending him home in his jammies, it took about 2 weeks but they got the hint. If you can change his pull up then why can't you change his clothes????

[MrsB]

Im so sorry you are having a hard time finding your backbone!

This might be against the majority... I dont really mind mine coming in their pjs. But I can certainly see why a provider would. I have little ones that show up super early 545am and go back to sleep so the pjs are fine with me. I do have a time limit on it though. 8am is breakfast time so if they arrive after 8am they need to be fed and dressed and ready for the day. If they came in their pjs after 8am they would remain in their pjs.

Now poopy diapers at drop off I dont do. If a parent drops off with a poopy diaper, I say you know where the supplies are or here I'll get you a diaper and wipes. I have never had a parent tell me they were in a hurry or no. On occasion I have had a poopy diaper "slip" through at drop off. 5-10 minutes after they arrive, I realize why mom/dad slipped out so fast at drop off! So as soon as the opportunity presents itself, I return the favor. You know the one where they poop 5 minutes before mom/dad arrive. I say, "yeah I saw her in the corner hiding a couple minutes ago. I was waiting to make sure she was done. I thought it might make you chuckle I could return the favor from a month ago, when you dropped her off with presents for me." They usually laugh too.

[SunshineMama]

He actually was in good spirits, surprisingly, but I have been letting him sleep whenever he wants today. He took a 3 hour nap this morning and has been down for 2 hours this afternoon and hasn't gotten up yet. I'm not going to wake him up- poor little peanut is exhausted!

I keep his bottles during the week I wash them daily. I don't mind washing them. I guess think the part that I mind was that she brought a dirty bottle with her for me to wash. They live less than 2 miles away from my house so it's not like he had to have a bottle on his way over here. Im pretty sure they gave it to him at their house- they should at least rinse it off. Or if she would have said, "I'm soooo sorry, I know you need the extra bottles, I gave him one and I am just so exhausted, do you mind...."

I think I am a bit agitated because I feel a bit disrespected, more than anything. Do I really mind washing the bottle and changing him? No. I really do love this child (why do the best children have the most difficult parents lol). But at least ask me nicely, and apologize, so I know that it is not your intention to continue this behavior in the future. I get the feeling that these parents think that they are my boss or something, and that they are better than me. That may be just my interpretation, but I feel that they look down on me for being "just a babysitter," which I am not. Like when I try to talk to them about our day, I feel like they completely ignore me and just run out the door (better than lingering I suppose).

Anyway, DH just accepted a new job! Woo hoo!! It's not enough to completely close my doors quite yet, but it's enough to cut back so I can have a little more freedom. I'm going to have to start making a list of where to make my cuts...

[SunshineMama]

Originally Posted by MrsB

So as soon as the opportunity presents itself, I return the favor. You know the one where they poop 5 minutes before mom/dad arrive. I say, "yeah I saw her in the corner hiding a couple minutes ago. I was waiting to make sure she was done. I thought it might make you chuckle I could return the favor from a month ago, when you dropped her off with presents for me." They usually laugh too.

[Blackcat31]

Sounds to me like this is an odd situation. OP~ you said, they just got back from the airport late last night so I am assuming they don't always bring dcb in PJ's and with a dirty bottle?

If they are normally good parents (whether they would take advantage or not if you let them aside) then I wouldn't make a big dealout of todays situation. However if they are always bringing him in PJ's and such then I would simply speak up and say something to them.

I have no problem telling my parents when I am unhappy or wanting to discuss something with them but I do understand that it isn't that easy for everyone so like Ariana said, try the e-mail or text route to break the ice and get the conversation started.

If this is a regular occurence with them, you need to just NOT accept child in the door in the morning. When mom comes in with tired, sick or undressed child, you say "Mom you know I require kids to be dressed, fed and ready for the day. I am sorry but he will not be allowed to stay until those requirements are met." then you just smile and do nothing.

Don't try to fill the silence or address the blank look she gives. Just say nothing. Walk away if necessary but do NOT just smile and take the child in because that is sending her mixed messages....."I want you to do certain things but I am not going to do anything about it" know what I mean?

Having a backbone seems tough but really it isn't. Stop and ask yourself, why is it you are not speaking up? What are you afraid or not afraid of? Why is the person you are speaking to make you feel as though you shouldn't be able to say something? What is the worst thing that could happen?

When you actually put it all into perspective you see that we are the ones who are allowing these parents to take advatage.

I guess I have never ever viewed my job or role as the one without the power. That is how I have a backbone. I realized from the get go that it is ME who actually has the power.

[SunshineMama]

Originally Posted by daycare

how long have you been in the daycare biz??

Less than a year.... can you tell

[SunshineMama]

Originally Posted by Blackcat31

If this is a regular occurence with them, you need to just NOT accept child in the door in the morning. When mom comes in with tired, sick or undressed child, you say "Mom you know I require kids to be dressed, fed and ready for the day. I am sorry but he will not be allowed to stay until those requirements are met." then you just smile and do nothing.

Don't try to fill the silence or address the blank look she gives. Just say nothing. Walk away if necessary but do NOT just smile and take the child in because that is sending her mixed messages....."I want you to do certain things but I am not going to do anything about it" know what I mean?

Having a backbone seems tough but really it isn't. Stop and ask yourself, why is it you are not speaking up? What are you afraid or not afraid of? Why is the person you are speaking to make you feel as though you shouldn't be able to say something? What is the worst thing that could happen?

I guess I have never ever viewed my job or role as the one without the power. That is how I have a backbone. I realized from the get go that it is ME who actually has the power.

Thank you! You hit the spot when you said not to try to fill in the silence. I am a silence-filler by habit. I am trying to figure out why I am not speaking up... I suppose I don't want them to think badly of me. For some reason, I am always worried about what other people think. DH is always on me about that. Who knows why- like their thoughts have power or something? I don't know. I DO have the power.... now to just verbalize it.

[daycare]

Originally Posted by SunshineMama

Less than a year.... can you tell

its ok....as I always say to make myself feel better... We learn through our mistakes and the more we make the better we will become at our jobs. As each mistake we make is a lesson that we will learn and grow from.

I look back with no regrets to those that tried and did walk all over me and thank them now for the back bone they gave me.

A back bone is usually something that takes time to develop. So make mistakes and learn from them. One day you will feel so good about yourself for all that you have learned and the mistakes will become distant memories....

[SunshineMama]

Originally Posted by daycare

its ok....as I always say to make myself feel better... We learn through our mistakes and the more we make the better we will become at our jobs. As each mistake we make is a lesson that we will learn and grow from.

I look back with no regrets to those that tried and did walk all over me and thank them now for the back bone they gave me.

A back bone is usually something that takes time to develop. So make mistakes and learn from them. One day you will feel so good about yourself for all that you have learned and the mistakes will become distant memories....

[daycare]

I think that what is so hard about this business is that from what I can tell is sounds like just about all of us are soft heart, people pleasers. We melt at the thought of anything that has to do with children. So it makes it hard to stand up for ourselves with the children in thought.

I also used to worry about what others thought of me too. But I don't have time to convince the world that I am a good loving business woman. So now I show them and as long as I am doing it with pride and self respect, then I really don't care what anyone thinks of me. I am not here to please them, I am here to provide a service and my services are not for everyone....

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by SunshineMama

Thank you! You hit the spot when you said not to try to fill in the silence. I am a silence-filler by habit. I am trying to figure out why I am not speaking up... I suppose I don't want them to think badly of me. For some reason, I am always worried about what other people think. DH is always on me about that. Who knows why- like their thoughts have power or something? I don't know. I DO have the power.... now to just verbalize it.

Learn to enjoy the sweet sound of silence.

You have just pinpointed the root of the problem.....you are silence filler.

Address that issue and the rest will come naturally and easily. It does take practice but try it out with parents during pick up and drop offs when you are all just talking about everyday stuff and simply socializing.

Practice waiting a few extra seconds before responding or answering or even just adding a comment. Just count silently in your head and each time make the silence last a few seconds longer. Pretty soon, you will see that staying silent is easy.

All too often providers get sucked in or end up taking on more work then necessary or going above and beyond because they were quick to fill the awkward silence when mom or dad is venting....kwim?

[Zoe]

I know how you feel. I hated confrontation! Even if it was for something simple to fix, I just couldn't stand up for myself. And when I made myself do it, my hands would be shaking right before and then my voice would shake during, and then I would pretty much be in tears afterward. Despite whether or not the confrontation went well (which it usually did).

I think what gave me my backbone is repeated sticking up for myself. I just kept doing it. Last year I had a very trying dcm and I started hating my job and dreading every drop off and every pick up. I knew that things would have to change, so I just kept bringing up whatever was bugging me. 100% of the time she was perfectly fine with whatever I needed to say! That really helped.

Keep it up and that backbone will happen. I think the dirty bottle thing was a little disrespectful, and if you feel that way too, then just kindly ask the parents "you know I know it was a late night for you, so if you need to feed him before daycare that's totally fine. Just don't put dirty bottles in the diaper bag, cuz I might not be able to get to it right away and it could get gross and smelly." Just be honest!

[Zoe]

Oh. And the silence thing works so well! I just kinda stop and mentally think of how I'm going to say no to a parent, and the silence while I'm thinking is enough for them to back off before I can even say anything! It's so cool!

[bunnyslippers]

I think this is one of those situations when you have to choose your backbone. If this was a family that was typically respectful and nice, I would just change the child and wash the bottle with a big ol' smile. They had a long night, and it is part of being a good provider. On the other hand, if it was a family that continuously pushed the limits, I would be less likely to accomodate the request.

It's one of those times when what goes around comes around...

[daycare]

Originally Posted by bunnyslippers

I think this is one of those situations when you have to choose your backbone. If this was a family that was typically respectful and nice, I would just change the child and wash the bottle with a big ol' smile. They had a long night, and it is part of being a good provider. On the other hand, if it was a family that continuously pushed the limits, I would be less likely to accomodate the request.

It's one of those times when what goes around comes around...

[SunshineMama]

Originally Posted by Blackcat31

Learn to enjoy the sweet sound of silence.

You have just pinpointed the root of the problem.....you are silence filler.

Address that issue and the rest will come naturally and easily. It does take practice but try it out with parents during pick up and drop offs when you are all just talking about everyday stuff and simply socializing.

Practice waiting a few extra seconds before responding or answering or even just adding a comment. Just count silently in your head and each time make the silence last a few seconds longer. Pretty soon, you will see that staying silent is easy.

All too often providers get sucked in or end up taking on more work then necessary or going above and beyond because they were quick to fill the awkward silence when mom or dad is venting....kwim?

Kinda looking forward to the next opportunity to try the silence-thing!

[Lilbutterflie]

Sunshine Mama- I feel the exact same way you do- I do not like confrontation, I have had a hard time finding my backbone, and I am a TOTAL silence filler. Any awkward silence, I find myself saying something stupid.

For instance, today DCB woke up from nap feeling very warm. I thought it might have been due to the warm day and his nap; so I waited 30 min to take his temp. It was 100.4--- time to call mom and send him home for fever for a full 24 hrs or until he is fever free for 24 hrs without fever reducing meds. First thought that comes in my head... "I know DCM will think it's a teething fever since he is getting teeth right now. Will she be mad that I am sending him home anyway? And will she be mad when I remind her to keep him home for 24 hrs?"

Then the other logical side of my brain speaks up and says "Your contract states that even if the child IS teething, they still are excluded from daycare for at least 24 hrs if their fever is over 100.4. The chance that this could be (and probably is) a virus of some kind; and that he could spread it to everyone else here; is too great to make an exception this time just b/c you feel bad for sending him home!" So I called her. Explained he had a temp of 100.4 and she needed to pick him up. She said "I wonder what it could be." I then explained the 24 hr policy as stated in my contract. She was silent. To fill the silence, I said "I'm sorry." And then I apologized AGAIN when she picked him up!! Why do I feel the need to apologize when her son has a fever and I ask that she stay home with him?? Why am I the one that feels bad?? I am kicking myself for saying sorry; there was really no need to apologize. DCM did seem a little upset; but again, it isn't my fault he had a fever.

[SunshineMama]

I do that too- apologize even when no apology is needed.

This forum is helpful to me- I am getting a little better. I did put my foot down last time they tried coming early at 5:45 am... only after they did it for a week straight with no explanation or apology, and it was affecting my morning time directly with my children. I got the courage from this forum to do that.

But I still have a looooooong way to go, obviously, based on my posts

[gbcc]

I have a family like this and they just don't get it at all. I don't speak up but I also don't do what they want. 3 year old dcg comes with hair a mess, and teeth not brushed. Sometimes they even make the 18 year old brother drop her off on his way to high school so they don't need to waste the gas

Mom says, she wouldn't let me brush her hair or teeth today. This started a year ago and my first thought was, she's two, I'm missing the part where she has a say if her teeth and hair are brushed?? I used to brush her hair and make it look nice but that stopped about 6 months ago. So mom will ask me, Has dcg been brushing her teeth at your house. No, you never brought a toothbrush or toothepast. So a couple weeks later she brings a toothbrush. I remind her that my child is older and doesn't use child's toothpaste and I need some. It has been 6 months and mom said the other day. How does dcg do with brushing her teeth So I say I told you months ago I had no toothpaste. Still to this day mom has not brought toothpaste but will tell me at drop off she needs her hair and teeth brushed.

[KEG123]

I wouldn't wash the bottle and I'd keep him in jammies. NOT a big deal, IMO!

[mrsp'slilpeeps]

Originally Posted by CheekyChick

You did EXACTLY what I would do. Putting out that extra bit of effort isn't a sign of weakness - it's a sign of GOOD BUSINESS. Plus, how much effort does it take to wash a bottle and change an outfit? A little bit of kindness goes a long way.

I agree. I have a DCG 3 that comes in jammies too sometimes.
I simply give her the bag of clothes that she came with and she gets dressed all by herself.

Not a big deal to me.

The DCP's love me and think that their kids love me more than them! They are one of my families that has been with me the longest.

I treat my DCK's like my own kids.