Not My Problem …. (Long Sorry)

[familyschoolcare]

So a few weeks ago I signed DCB(4yo) he currently comes Monday, Tuesday and Friday after school only. Dad signed him up. At the first interview Dad informed me that he is no longer with Mom and that is why he only needs care on Mon. Tue. and every other Friday. I let Dad know this in not a problem. At this time I let dad know that I do not have an every other week rate and he would need to pay for 3 days both weeks. After explaining that you pay to hold your child spot and not for the hours of care he understood.

At the second interview when I am collecting all the paper work ect.. Dad ask me if it would be OK if Mom calls me and/or stops by for an interview. Again I tell Dad this is not a problem. At this time he tells me that Mom might want to bring the child here on her days as well because, of issues with current (for mom, past for dad) provider. At this time he asked if mom did decide to bring the child on her days would that lower my rate since ½ of 5 days is less than the price of 5 days. I agreed that if mom did then they could split the cost 50/50 on two separate contracts, because dad indicated that he would want separate contracts. (FYI—if this comes up again I am going to add a %10 handling fee, other wise one paying contract) Then he goes on to say that he does not want mom picking up on his day or even calling to check on the child. At that time I inform Dad that since I am aware of the fact that ***** ***** is the mom (dad put her name under mother on the emergency contact form) that with out a court order saying that she can not see the child on certain days that I can not legally prevent her from picking up the child, because, she has rights as a parent. Dad indicates that he understands and tells me that in August they are going back to court and that he will get me a copy of the court papers at that time. I told dad that is fine in the mean time I can not infringe on her parental rights.

So them mom calls and set up an interview with me, it goes well and she indicates that she would like to send child here on her days as well. I let her know that her ½ of 5 after school days would be $50 she tell me she can not afford that. Then ask how much it would be if the child came on her Fridays. I let her know that 1, usually I do not have a 1 day a week rate, and the 2) usually I do not do every other week fee. However since the child is already here and Dad is paying for his days I could do it for $20 every week regardless to wither or not it was your week you would pay. After explaining that 1) this is not something that I would normally agree to and 2) that cash payment are always welcome because then nobody has to worry about a bounced check. (During the whole conversation about my rates mom kept saying I will always pay you in cash.) Mom signs the child up for her Fridays saying that she can not afford the pother two days. (Seriously, how much is the other lady charging you for two days after school).

Then when mom comes back for her second interview and I am collecting all the paper work she asked what would be a good time for her to call and check on her child when he is here. I gave her a time line of our day and indicated that perhaps just before snack at 3:15 would work. That was three weeks ago.

So today when I pick the child up form school they are having a family picnic/BBQ because it is the last day of the summer program (then the school year beguines on the 22nd) So mom is there (which ids fine I knew she would be, plus I did not have to feed him lunch) so mom said she talked to dad and she was going to start calling to talk to and check on the child at 3:15 everyday that he is at my house. I said oh you wanted to talk to the child not just me to see how his day is going. I told mom that I would have to think about this because to me that would send mixed signals to the child as he is 4 he would on a subconscious level think that you the mom do not trust me to keep him safe. Mom indicated that she did not think that this would be the case and that the phone calls to him when he is at his aunts house are very short(oh so now I know why the other 2 days of day care are so cheap, and possibly why dad had a problem with the previous provider). I told her I would give it some more thought (because I am not going to be pushed into a deciding something in a school parking lot) into the matter and get back to her. Mom say please do because you know I do not get to see my child much (FYI she has the child 50% of the time). I wanted to tell her that is not my problem, what I said was yes I will think about it and get back to you.

So am I over reacting? … I do not think this is normal for mom to call and talk to the child in the middle of everyday. I really do think that this would interfere with the child bonding with me and could cause the child to behave differently. I mean if the mom wants to spend more time with her son then pick him up earlier I do not know what her work schedule is but she has been to my house on two different Thursday after 8:00 (Thursday are her day) with her boyfriend to drop money/papers with out the child. The mom has the same amount of time with the child as dad what she chooses to do with the time is her problem not mine.

[sharlan]

Why can't she call the child after the father picks him up? Why does she need to call on her days, she'll see him in a few hours?

[mom2many]

Originally Posted by sharlan

Why can't she call the child after the father picks him up? Why does she need to call on her days, she'll see him in a few hours?

I was thinking the exact same thing. I don't mind a parent calling once in awhile to talk to their child, but everyday would not be okay.

[mac60]

I simply would not like someone calling everyday at 3:15. Nope. I don't envy you getting caught up in the mess either. Good luck.

[sharlan]

I got caught up in that mess years ago. The mom called everyday at 10. We couldn't leave the house until she called. If I didn't answer by the 3rd ring, she'd hang up and call back, very aggitated that something was wrong. Well, sometimes I'm outside with the kids, sometimes I have to go to the bathroom, sometimes I'm changing a dirty diaper. She lasted 3 weeks before I got rid of her.

[familyschoolcare]

So at pick up I talked to mom, we agreed to try it for a while and see how it goes. She did agree that it would not be every day mostly Mondays or Tuesday when it was not her weekend. Apparently she is still adjusting to the new visitation arrangement and 5 days in a row with out contact with her child is difficult for her. According to mom the dad often will not answer her call and almost never returns her call. They when to court last week and the judge told her that the dad does not have to let her talk to the child on his time.

I made it very clear that if her calling on a consistent or semi-consistent bases causes negative behavior changes in her son then we would have to revisit this idea.

[cheerfuldom]

I think you are walking into a big mess with the whole family but hopefully I am wrong....I wouldn't make any exception for them. No one else gets a call so they shouldn't either.

[mom2many]

Originally Posted by familyschoolcare

So at pick up I talked to mom, we agreed to try it for a while and see how it goes. She did agree that it would not be every day mostly Mondays or Tuesday when it was not her weekend. Apparently she is still adjusting to the new visitation arrangement and 5 days in a row with out contact with her child is difficult for her. According to mom the dad often will not answer her call and almost never returns her call. They when to court last week and the judge told her that the dad does not have to let her talk to the child on his time.

I made it very clear that if her calling on a consistent or semi-consistent bases causes negative behavior changes in her son then we would have to revisit this idea.

I can understand mom having a tough time with these circumstances and you wanting to accommodate her. I probably would have handled it the same way. Sometimes the parent just needs to feel there is that ability to have contact, but never act on it.

I have had several families go through divorce, while in my care and it's a difficult time for everyone. You were smart having this conversation with her to let her know your concerns and expectations regarding this. I am usually willing to bend on some things, but if I see a problem resulting, then I will implement changes.

[MarinaVanessa]

Originally Posted by familyschoolcare

According to mom the dad often will not answer her call and almost never returns her call. They when to court last week and the judge told her that the dad does not have to let her talk to the child on his time.

I forget sometimes that it's differet from state to state. I'm in CA and even though neither my DD's dad or I asked to be able to call her on each other's days the court still adds it in there. I guess because I've always been used to the idea of being able to call her if I want It feels strange that the judge and the dcd have an issue with it.

I still don't see how that is your problem however. Since the judge himself said that dad didn't have to let her talk to DCG on his time does this mean that she can't call you at DC on his days either? You may want to run this through DCD if she's asking to do it to make sure you have his permission first. If that's not what she's asking for and all she wants is to be able to call you on her days well then it really doesn't make a big difference then does it? She's going to see her anyway and like a previous post said she'll be talking to her in a matter of hours anyway.

It's nice that you're willing to work with them about it however I agree with what you originally said about it having a negative impact. What happens if DCG starts to miss DCM and asks to talk to her on days that are not agreed upon?

[CheekyChick]

Out of curiosity, why would you charge the mom for Friday, when the dad has already paid for that day? Not judging - just curious. I actually think the mom should be reimbursing the dad for those two Fridays out of the month.

Secondly, I would 100% support that little boy talking to his mom during the day. Most children get to go home to their mommys and he doesn't. I would set up a quiet little place for him to chat with his mom for a few minutes every day. Your allowing him to talk with his mom will give him the security he needs, especially when his entire world is upset down right now. Good for you.

[CheekyChick]

Originally Posted by cheerfuldom

I think you are walking into a big mess with the whole family but hopefully I am wrong....I wouldn't make any exception for them. No one else gets a call so they shouldn't either.

I'm guessing the other children in her care either go home to both parents or have the freedom to speak with both parents every day.

[familyschoolcare]

Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa

I forget sometimes that it's differet from state to state. I'm in CA and even though neither my DD's dad or I asked to be able to call her on each other's days the court still adds it in there. I guess because I've always been used to the idea of being able to call her if I want It feels strange that the judge and the dcd have an issue with it.

I still don't see how that is your problem however. Since the judge himself said that dad didn't have to let her talk to DCG on his time does this mean that she can't call you at DC on his days either? You may want to run this through DCD if she's asking to do it to make sure you have his permission first. If that's not what she's asking for and all she wants is to be able to call you on her days well then it really doesn't make a big difference then does it? She's going to see her anyway and like a previous post said she'll be talking to her in a matter of hours anyway.

It's nice that you're willing to work with them about it however I agree with what you originally said about it having a negative impact. What happens if DCG starts to miss DCM and asks to talk to her on days that are not agreed upon?

Mom did tell me that she talked to dad and he was ok with the her calling me if I was ok with it. I was already going to check with dad on Monday his day. When I first agreed to let her call I did not know what the judge said, Mom shared that after.

[familyschoolcare]

Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa

I forget sometimes that it's differet from state to state. I'm in CA and even though neither my DD's dad or I asked to be able to call her on each other's days the court still adds it in there. I guess because I've always been used to the idea of being able to call her if I want It feels strange that the judge and the dcd have an issue with it.

I am in CA as also and my ex tried to put in the court order that he would be able to call every Wednesday at 7:00 pm and I protested. When the judge asked why I had a problem with my children talking to their father I said I do not have a problem with the children talking to him. The problem is that I do not want to schedule my life around a phone call, I have never refused to let the children talk to him. The judge spoke with my ex and confirmed that I have never refused to let him talk to the children and the whole thing was dropped.

In regards to my day care boy I am not sure how much of what mom or dad say the judge says to believe I have not seen any court paper. I do not think either one of them is telling me the whole story.

[wdmmom]

3:15pm is our wake up time from nap. Then we roll right into snack, bathroom breaks, and try to get outside for a half hour before departures.

I'd tell her that you thought about it and considered it and came up with this:

1.) No other child gets calls so you have to do what's fair.

2.) You can not rearrange your day based on a phone call.

3.) You own and operate a daycare. She can call you with once per week and at a certain time to discuss her son's attendance, day, etc.

I don't like dealing with custody agreements. I work for 1 parent. If they have half custody, I don't do a week on/a week off. I deal solely with one parent only. If she can't agree to your rules, maybe she needs to find another provider for the time she has him.

[Cat Herder]

My two cents....

I can not allow adults to make their personal problems mine.

I never would have agreed to two seperate contracts OR working for both parents as seperate entities..BTDT This is one family. The one parent with physical custody is the one I make the contract with. ONE responsible party.

I don't provide telephone access to daycare kids (other than the rare occasion, DCP's B-Day, naptime nightmare, etc.). I cannot afford to make the kitchen a "child-safe environment" according to State standards. My home phone is in my kitchen, my cell phone is off limits.

It would be a hardship to have to supervise one child with my home phone, in my kitchen, while caring for 5 other children. I could not allow that kind of daily disruption to our routine.

If she wants to talk to her child everyday then she needs to come get him, call him at home or get him his own cell phone (that she is financially responsible for breakage/misuse on) that he can take to the quiet reading area within our "Child-safe" playroom. That I could easily accommodate.

[Country Kids]

What do you do with parents though that have joint custody? I know several families like that so wouldn't they both have to have a contract with the child care?

[Cat Herder]

Originally Posted by Country Kids

What do you do with parents though that have joint custody? I know several families like that so wouldn't they both have to have a contract with the child care?

Even my married parents have to choose which adult signs the contract with me.

No different than my power or cable company...

Sadly about one in four of my contracted families end up divorced within the first 3 years of having their child.

[mismatchedsocks]

I wish you luck in this situation. I sign one contract for each child. The contract is written for the child. I would like to thank you for all you are doing for this family. I am doing this because I am sure they do not realize what you are going through for their child.

My two cents are that an every day phone call would not work for me. I understand this poor little guy is going through the seperation too but I think it should be up to the parents to work this out and for the best interest of the child, he should be able to talk to mom with dad, unless its in court order. You should not be the referree. What if the mom bad mouths the dad and upsets the child, or what if dad wants you to moniter the call and let him know what was said?

I would say she can email or text you quickly to see how he is, or if there is a problem, but save the phone call for a nap time or something with just you. Good luck!